Seeking books/articles for interracial couple navigating racist in-laws
January 28, 2018 8:25 PM Subscribe
Asking for a friend. My friend is a woman of color who is married to a white man. Since the beginning of their relationship, her husband's mother (now her mother-in-law) has said racist and mean-spirited things to my friend. My friend just gave birth and the behavior has gotten worse. She's looking for resources to help her and her husband navigate boundaries with the in-laws as they want their child to have some sort of relationship with the grandparents later in life.
Books, articles, videos, etc. would be welcome. The advice from the books/articles could be directed to the couple, just her, just her husband, or her in-laws.
Books, articles, videos, etc. would be welcome. The advice from the books/articles could be directed to the couple, just her, just her husband, or her in-laws.
Seconding So you want to talk about race. The book does an exceptional job of defining and addressing individual issues, then methodically explains why they matter so very much.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:28 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by WaspEnterprises at 10:28 PM on January 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
"to help her and her husband navigate boundaries with the in-laws as they want their child to have some sort of relationship with the grandparents later in life."
Maybe as a first step she should realize that this is a privilege and has to be earned.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 3:26 AM on January 29, 2018 [24 favorites]
Maybe as a first step she should realize that this is a privilege and has to be earned.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 3:26 AM on January 29, 2018 [24 favorites]
Does hubby have any siblings? If so, shock treatment may be useful. You know, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Throwing petty racist jabs at your *grandkid*?!?!?"
posted by notsnot at 5:49 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by notsnot at 5:49 AM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: thirding So You Want to Talk About Race. NPR's Code Switch podcast/section regularly releases articles related to this issue - the most relevant one would likely be How To Talk Race With Your Family: Ask Code Switch. additionally, there are a great many documentaries coming out about the lived experiences of PoC in America - those may be helpful to share in this context
within a social justice organizing context, conversations are much easier to have if you set off with some established ground rules that everyone acknowledges. difficult conversations where you expect trust to be violated are made somewhat better by early agreement to, at the very least, basic etiquette. there's a lot of good stuff at Race Equity Tools about organizing and most of their guides are written with community in mind - that said, their section on Framing and Messaging might be useful in at least figuring out an approach that might be useful for them, particularly SJCT's flashcards, The Art of Framing, and Ten Lessons
that said, her husband better be leading the charge on this. meaning, he should be seeking out local anti-racist trainings that folks are putting on, poring through guides on conversing about race, listening to podcasts left and right, and inhaling articles on this very topic. he can and should be 'practicing' by going to community conversations about race and doing outreach of his own. I suspect he isn't - if he were, then burning the bridge should already be an option on the table especially considering the emotional trauma his partner has had to endure for his sake, not mentioning the trauma his mixed-race children will face when confronted with that kind of irrational hatred. it should never be on PoC to talk about issues of race with white supremacists, no matter how gracious his WoC partner is, not unless it is the only option available on the table
posted by runt at 8:19 AM on January 29, 2018 [13 favorites]
within a social justice organizing context, conversations are much easier to have if you set off with some established ground rules that everyone acknowledges. difficult conversations where you expect trust to be violated are made somewhat better by early agreement to, at the very least, basic etiquette. there's a lot of good stuff at Race Equity Tools about organizing and most of their guides are written with community in mind - that said, their section on Framing and Messaging might be useful in at least figuring out an approach that might be useful for them, particularly SJCT's flashcards, The Art of Framing, and Ten Lessons
that said, her husband better be leading the charge on this. meaning, he should be seeking out local anti-racist trainings that folks are putting on, poring through guides on conversing about race, listening to podcasts left and right, and inhaling articles on this very topic. he can and should be 'practicing' by going to community conversations about race and doing outreach of his own. I suspect he isn't - if he were, then burning the bridge should already be an option on the table especially considering the emotional trauma his partner has had to endure for his sake, not mentioning the trauma his mixed-race children will face when confronted with that kind of irrational hatred. it should never be on PoC to talk about issues of race with white supremacists, no matter how gracious his WoC partner is, not unless it is the only option available on the table
posted by runt at 8:19 AM on January 29, 2018 [13 favorites]
I know askme loves therapy, but quite seriously: therapy. Therapy because it's mostly the husband's job both as the white person and the son of the racists in question to handle this. Therapy because my suggestion is that the problem is not fundamentally changing the in-law's hearts and minds, the problem is really learning how to successfully handle their boundaries as a family unit. They (your friend and husband) should know their own limits and consequences for racist behavior before they try to change the in-laws.
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:29 AM on January 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 8:29 AM on January 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: As a biracial person who presents as black and was raised by the white side of my family I would like to encourage your friend to seriously consider the possibility that it is not in their child's best interest to have a relationship with their racist grandparents.
Internalized racism is hard enough to cope with but being subjected to it by your own family is incredibly damaging and painful.
Even if the racist individuals have been coached on how to behave, even if they mean well and think they have had a change of heart (which does not seem to be the case here) those prejudices often slip out even unintentionally. Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on it eventually.
Lots of kids grow up without knowing all of their grandparents. It isn't uncommon and I doubt if it's especially detrimental to them. A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
I'd like to have words with your friends husband about not protecting his wife and child from this kind of attack in the first place, but I don't know the guy.
posted by windykites at 11:57 AM on January 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
Internalized racism is hard enough to cope with but being subjected to it by your own family is incredibly damaging and painful.
Even if the racist individuals have been coached on how to behave, even if they mean well and think they have had a change of heart (which does not seem to be the case here) those prejudices often slip out even unintentionally. Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on it eventually.
Lots of kids grow up without knowing all of their grandparents. It isn't uncommon and I doubt if it's especially detrimental to them. A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
I'd like to have words with your friends husband about not protecting his wife and child from this kind of attack in the first place, but I don't know the guy.
posted by windykites at 11:57 AM on January 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
Jesus, I came in to say what windykites expresses very well above, and I'm also speaking as a biracial person. If the behaviour has not improved after the birth of a baby maybe there'll be less damage all round if they give up on this woman.
A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
I'd like to have words with your friends husband about not protecting his wife and child from this kind of attack in the first place, but I don't know the guy.
Quoted for truth.
posted by glasseyes at 2:24 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
I'd like to have words with your friends husband about not protecting his wife and child from this kind of attack in the first place, but I don't know the guy.
Quoted for truth.
posted by glasseyes at 2:24 PM on January 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
See, I've seen interracial families where there's been this sort of conflict and in every single case after the birth of a child the racist family members pulled their socks up and made an effort to act right. This included actual physical confrontations on behalf of the mixed-race child. The mother-in-law in question here sounds beyond hope. Nobody should inflict that on their developing child, or anyone else they love.
posted by glasseyes at 2:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by glasseyes at 2:29 PM on January 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: If the behavior has gotten worse after the birth of the child, IMO, don't expect it to get better. The book recommendation, "So You Want to Talk about Race" sounds great, however, good luck getting the MIL to read it.
*Many* white privileged North American people who are this racist cannot be trusted to care about the well-being of non-white kids. That's it. I'm saying this as another mixed-race person who is born and raised in Canada, who witnessed much white-on-colored child abuse of her colored siblings, colored cousins, and colored aunts and colored uncles by Anglo-Christian elders. IME mixed-race kids are where North American in-house predators go to feed. Racism exists because it serves a potent purpose for those unwilling to do any inner work whatsoever because they believe their pale complexions get them off the hook from bearing any responsibility for the human condition. If you really want to help your friend, please actively validate her observations about her in-laws -- without whitesplaining anything about it, even if it hurts your ego as you do so.
Repeated again for truth: A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
(It's sad that this kind of question is still obviously about resources for the PoC, and not the white-skinned privileged "man" she's sunk her future into now... She will do all the work of explaining it to his fragile mind for him, and then because she "understands it better", it's going to be her responsibility to fix it all... just watch and see... racism is serving a purpose in this family, and your friend is married to a white man who's chosen "not to see" it until "now"...)
posted by human ecologist at 6:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
*Many* white privileged North American people who are this racist cannot be trusted to care about the well-being of non-white kids. That's it. I'm saying this as another mixed-race person who is born and raised in Canada, who witnessed much white-on-colored child abuse of her colored siblings, colored cousins, and colored aunts and colored uncles by Anglo-Christian elders. IME mixed-race kids are where North American in-house predators go to feed. Racism exists because it serves a potent purpose for those unwilling to do any inner work whatsoever because they believe their pale complexions get them off the hook from bearing any responsibility for the human condition. If you really want to help your friend, please actively validate her observations about her in-laws -- without whitesplaining anything about it, even if it hurts your ego as you do so.
Repeated again for truth: A biracial child needs to be protected from racism as much as possible at home. They will face enough of it everywhere else.
(It's sad that this kind of question is still obviously about resources for the PoC, and not the white-skinned privileged "man" she's sunk her future into now... She will do all the work of explaining it to his fragile mind for him, and then because she "understands it better", it's going to be her responsibility to fix it all... just watch and see... racism is serving a purpose in this family, and your friend is married to a white man who's chosen "not to see" it until "now"...)
posted by human ecologist at 6:44 PM on January 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 10:06 PM on January 28, 2018 [7 favorites]