Give the signal.

January 29, 2006 8:40 PM

My significant other and myself find ourselves in social situations that we'd rather not be in.

For example, say she wants to leave a friends place earlier then planned or I am uncomfortable, we need to communicate to each other that it is time to leave. Also of those of you that have ways to do this discreetly, do you have multiple methods to communicate urgency? What works best phrases? subtle sign language? I've tried to google this but I the phrases yield nothing useable.

posted by bigmusic to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Can't you find a place to talk quietly? If not, my husband and I catch each other's eye and nod our head towards the door. If it's not okay with the other, they shake their heads. That usually means the other has about 15 minutes before we talk about it somewhere and figure out what to do.
Or you can figure out what your signal will be. But it's more important to communicate so the other doesn't feel pissed. And if you think it may happen that night, go in two separate cars so one can leave and the other can stay. It's about respecting each others needs...both of you give. One stays longer and the other leaves earlier.
posted by aacheson at 8:43 PM on January 29, 2006

We use our eyes. It is very subtle. It has evolved from nearly a decade of being in social situations together.
posted by shoepal at 8:46 PM on January 29, 2006

you could always just tug on your ear, like in garden state.
posted by zorrine at 8:47 PM on January 29, 2006

I second zorrine's suggestion.
posted by danb at 8:54 PM on January 29, 2006

Before this posting, I honestly thought there was some kind of magical "Go-DAR" that all couples get after a few years together. One person gives a subtle nod, a subtle eye bulge, or even a nod.... the other partner can then "veto" the signal like aacheson describes, which only buys a few minutes before another (less subtle) signal.

Barring that, you can also develop a mutually-agreed-upon code word, such as "I absolutely love your plants" or even the good old ear-tug.
posted by crazyray at 9:14 PM on January 29, 2006

I think it helps to quietly check in with each other over the course of the evening, whether you want to go right then or not. If you get in the habit of asking how the other person's doing and what they're up for (whether that's leaving in 15 minutes or signing on for the incipient all-night bar hop), I think you start to develop a better sense of what the answer's going to be--and it keeps you from agreeing to another drink, etc. when your SO is desparate to leave.
posted by occhiblu at 9:23 PM on January 29, 2006

With my wife and I, it's all about making plans and expectations before the event. "How long do you think this will last, how long do you think we're going to stay, what's our 'leaving early' story if we need one, etc."

Combine that with the tugging-of-the-ear thing, and I think you're set.
posted by frogan at 9:25 PM on January 29, 2006

I meant to add: When you get in the habit of checking in regularly, it also makes you less self-conscious (and therefore generally more discreet) about doing it, because it doesn't automatically mean that one of you's dying to leave and hoping the hosts don't notice.
posted by occhiblu at 9:26 PM on January 29, 2006

Condiments!

Out of place metaphors referring to condiments, as in "This car is a bit like cranberry sauce", or "it's a bit peppery".
posted by krisjohn at 9:28 PM on January 29, 2006 [1 favorite]

We use the same method as aacheson... though now I've read this thread, I'm quite tempted to try out this condiment approach. "Love the new place, it's so mayonnaise..."
posted by pompomtom at 9:42 PM on January 29, 2006

You could use your cell phone to text message your partner.
posted by fourstar at 11:25 PM on January 29, 2006

Good luck on this. My wife never gets my "subtle" messages. Or rather, when I try to tap her foot with mine under the table, or squeeze her leg, she loudly says, "Why are you kicking me?" or "What's wrong?"

We definitely need to work out a code.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:28 PM on January 29, 2006

Work out a signal which clearly means "I want to go ASAP" and avoids the "Idon'twanttogoifyouwanttostaybutifyoudon'treallymindeitherwayIprefertogo" conversation.

Usually eye contact works for me, but for movies we've settled on using walking gestures with the fingers (like on the yellow pages).. sometimes done Helen Keller-style into the hand of the other person.
posted by fleacircus at 2:38 AM on January 30, 2006

We always used "I/we have to go feed the cat." We got it from "Sex in the City", a favorite show of my ex-'s.
posted by willmize at 3:45 AM on January 30, 2006

Tugging on your ear is Carol Burnett - she would use it to say hello and to her deceased grandma. Way before Garden State.

Couples for years after have used it as a signal. Even Seinfeld have an episode where he and elaine are trying to escape dull people at a party using head pats and such.

I go with the ear tug. Just discuss it if there's any doubt. Or call the other on your cellphones.
posted by filmgeek at 3:52 AM on January 30, 2006

We often use the agreed-upon excuse, usually that one of us has to go into work the following morning, sorry, must get home to bed. If one of us needs to use a signal, either to ask for help getting out of a bad conversation or to leave entirely, our phrase is "I think I'm coming down with a cold." Friends are happy to let you go if they think you're contagious.
posted by junkbox at 5:55 AM on January 30, 2006

My wife and I both carry pagers, so one of us pages the other so we can excuse ourselves to tend to the emergency.
posted by daveleck at 6:42 AM on January 30, 2006

There was a funny episode of Mad About You that dealt with this. They had multiple signals so of course it devloved into each of them frantically making some outrageous gesture.

Personally, my wife and I discuss it beforehand, and select a time. It is rare that we will have reason to go past that time, but if we do, we simply talk about it in private at the party/event.

But I like filmgeek's suggestion.
posted by terrapin at 6:49 AM on January 30, 2006

Years ago I read an article written by a therapist I think, suggesting to use a phrase like "I left the oven on." Though she suggested this as a phrase meaning "I'm really hot for you and would like to go home and straight to bed NOW," it could be used as an excuse to go home. Of course, I think there are better ways - like subtle communications with eyes or whatnot. Or just say something like "I feel pretty tired" (if it's late at night) or just express honestly that you're feeling like going home and being a homebody, or whatever.

Also, maybe you could cultivate more openness with your friends? I don't think I have a single friend who would take offense to me wanting to leave early or anything. We're pretty straightforward with each other ....

My b/f and I never have a problem with this for some reason.. we just sort of look at each other and ask, You ready to go? and it's either "not yet" or "Sure." You're not shackled to the desire to appease your friends.
posted by mojabunni at 7:16 AM on January 30, 2006

"Paramecium."
posted by waldo at 7:18 AM on January 30, 2006

My roommate and I used to blow into our beer bottles. Sounds like a fog horn and is very distinctive, yet not obvious as a "gotta go" signal.

On the other hand, this is probably more appropriate when you're 23.
posted by trixie_bee at 7:38 AM on January 30, 2006

I just go with a quick peck on the cheek and a whisper in the ear. No need for codes. Those who know us well enough to invite us over, know that we are not party animals and likely to leave early.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:46 AM on January 30, 2006

If I can't take KirkJobSluder's route, I will widen my eyes and blink really hard and say something about how my contacts have gone south. Sometimes people will offer you saline but you can claim you are allergic to all saline but your own (not too crazy) or just announce, "Oh, this is a lost cause, I just need to throw these away." Since I don't carry my glasses with me, this allows us to exit gracefully, whether I have sandpaper on my eyeballs for real or not.
posted by Medieval Maven at 10:18 AM on January 30, 2006

I've used the ear pull technique, it works!
posted by tiamat at 2:41 PM on January 30, 2006

Eye contact then the subtle head nod. I'm sure everyone in the room probably sees and recognises it, but it's pretty discrete, doesn't intrude on conversation, and doesn't require any fancy choreography.
posted by The Monkey at 3:43 PM on January 30, 2006

Having an agreed upon strategy is a good idea. I've been learning sign language, and have taught my wife some key signs (plus finger spelling). Subtle signing is something of a challenge if you are in a smallish group, though. You can pick up some simple signs from an ASL dictionary (although you'll probably be using signed English rather than American Sign Language).

As a bonus, you can gossip about people in public places.
posted by i love cheese at 5:02 PM on January 30, 2006

krisjohn, ha! "the handling is a bit...uh...vinegary"
posted by ryanrs at 7:00 PM on January 31, 2006

Hehe. Love the condiments - I've used this before in a situation where a friend and I were leading a group interview, believe it or not. Some of the questions were supposed to be silly, but when "what kind of a pastry would you be?" came up, we knew it was time to bail...
posted by whatzit at 8:45 PM on February 13, 2006