Being happy in a good fitting job?
October 25, 2017 5:09 PM Subscribe
Bit of a different question, I'm actually happy in my job and that's the problem. I'm not sure how to be happy?
For as long as I can remember, I've always been unhappy in my career, always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve. Well, now I'm in a job for 4 years that has a decent 401K match, decent insurance, decent PTO, good coworkers, a good team lead, decent manager and I'm respected, challenged in my work, and work in a field that I believe in (or at least believe in the end product). However, I said when I started this job that I would give them 5 years before looking and it's now coming up on 5 years. I don't want to look, but I feel the itch of "what's out there" even though I like the comfort of my job. I don't think a change in scenery would do anything, in fact, it sounds dreadful. I also work in a small industry but widespread industry, so there is only so much job hopping I can do before switching cities and I really, really like my city right now.
I already volunteer with a dog rescue with an occasional side of tree planting and am not into kids, so I can up the volunteering but frankly, I like the occasionalness of my volunteering and don't want to commit to X amount of time weekly. I'm also newly married, have a good house, semi-acquaintances, a decent relationship with my family. By all accounts, I should be fucking set for life but it still feels like X is missing and I don't know what X is. I'm not into materialistic crap outside of good beer, good food, a decent truck (for home repairs), and some basic furniture.
My question - how do I become happy with my station in life? I already feel pretty fuckin shitty writing this as Puerto Rico needs help, starving kids needs help, but I'm not smart or rich enough to help the world like that. All I can do is provide a decent life for my wife, myself, our dogs, and the fosters. It just seems futile?
For as long as I can remember, I've always been unhappy in my career, always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve. Well, now I'm in a job for 4 years that has a decent 401K match, decent insurance, decent PTO, good coworkers, a good team lead, decent manager and I'm respected, challenged in my work, and work in a field that I believe in (or at least believe in the end product). However, I said when I started this job that I would give them 5 years before looking and it's now coming up on 5 years. I don't want to look, but I feel the itch of "what's out there" even though I like the comfort of my job. I don't think a change in scenery would do anything, in fact, it sounds dreadful. I also work in a small industry but widespread industry, so there is only so much job hopping I can do before switching cities and I really, really like my city right now.
I already volunteer with a dog rescue with an occasional side of tree planting and am not into kids, so I can up the volunteering but frankly, I like the occasionalness of my volunteering and don't want to commit to X amount of time weekly. I'm also newly married, have a good house, semi-acquaintances, a decent relationship with my family. By all accounts, I should be fucking set for life but it still feels like X is missing and I don't know what X is. I'm not into materialistic crap outside of good beer, good food, a decent truck (for home repairs), and some basic furniture.
My question - how do I become happy with my station in life? I already feel pretty fuckin shitty writing this as Puerto Rico needs help, starving kids needs help, but I'm not smart or rich enough to help the world like that. All I can do is provide a decent life for my wife, myself, our dogs, and the fosters. It just seems futile?
Man, if I had that kind of a job situation, you would not be able to pry me loose of it with a crowbar.
Maybe what you need is a hobby, a project, or a spiritual practice? Maybe take a class or something?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:46 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Maybe what you need is a hobby, a project, or a spiritual practice? Maybe take a class or something?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:46 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Any or all or none of these might be worth considering:
- Does the comfortable job have opportunities for advancement? Have your challenges been rewarded with raises or promotions or perks over time? Can you go to a conference or a workshop for some professional development?
- You mention semi-acquaintances, but what about friends? Is everyone stalling out at "we get along well enough but we don't socialize outside of work/dog rescue"? I know it gets hard at this stage of life because everyone is overcommitted and it's hard to make time even for people you really like. But if there's a hole and you don't know what shape it is, the shape could be "close friends."
- Whether in your personal life, work, or extracurriculars, you might not be doing enough things that gently stretch your comfort zone. When's the last time you went somewhere you'd never gone before, or did something else that made you slightly nervous? That itch to see what else is out there might be telling you about work, or it might just be telling you about stagnation in general. You need SOME sense of risk and reward every once in a while, and I don't mean internet gambling. Think of something you've always wanted to try but felt silly about, even if it's just "learn cribbage" or "see big name guilty-pleasure act perform live, before they die."
(Sidenote: Can I just say I think it's awesome that you volunteer with a dog rescue?)
posted by armeowda at 5:47 PM on October 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
- Does the comfortable job have opportunities for advancement? Have your challenges been rewarded with raises or promotions or perks over time? Can you go to a conference or a workshop for some professional development?
- You mention semi-acquaintances, but what about friends? Is everyone stalling out at "we get along well enough but we don't socialize outside of work/dog rescue"? I know it gets hard at this stage of life because everyone is overcommitted and it's hard to make time even for people you really like. But if there's a hole and you don't know what shape it is, the shape could be "close friends."
- Whether in your personal life, work, or extracurriculars, you might not be doing enough things that gently stretch your comfort zone. When's the last time you went somewhere you'd never gone before, or did something else that made you slightly nervous? That itch to see what else is out there might be telling you about work, or it might just be telling you about stagnation in general. You need SOME sense of risk and reward every once in a while, and I don't mean internet gambling. Think of something you've always wanted to try but felt silly about, even if it's just "learn cribbage" or "see big name guilty-pleasure act perform live, before they die."
(Sidenote: Can I just say I think it's awesome that you volunteer with a dog rescue?)
posted by armeowda at 5:47 PM on October 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Work may be "challenging", but overall you sound bored. This was indeed the place we were in when we had a kid (but not why), no regrets. He's three now and personally it didn't do anything for "the itch". It maybe made it worse.
This feeling to me isn't happy and I think most people who arrive at this point look around and go "now what?". So many of us spend so long scraping by worrying about how we're going to buy groceries we don't consider this place. I think the itch is very healthy. (Insert sophomoric rant about capitalism keeping people just placated and comfortable enough to avoid revolution...)
I know what the itch is for me, but it will undoubtedly be different for you. Have you read Man's Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl) or Flow (Mihaly C.)? They both sort of address this in different ways - talking about happiness and/or meaning, making use of "day" jobs, etc. I suspect for you it's in creating more meaning in your life outside work and finding a new goal to work towards, since you say you've always been striving and suddenly... aren't. Goals and direction are important. Also google "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs".
You say you have semi-acquaintances... do you have friends or are you tied in to a community in any way? That's a big thing with us too, especially since we don't go to church and have moved around a bit.
I'm not smart or rich enough to help the world like that.
Of course you are, though I imagine she is many other things too, that most people are not.
Old mefi favorite: therapy.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:57 PM on October 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
This feeling to me isn't happy and I think most people who arrive at this point look around and go "now what?". So many of us spend so long scraping by worrying about how we're going to buy groceries we don't consider this place. I think the itch is very healthy. (Insert sophomoric rant about capitalism keeping people just placated and comfortable enough to avoid revolution...)
I know what the itch is for me, but it will undoubtedly be different for you. Have you read Man's Search for Meaning (Viktor Frankl) or Flow (Mihaly C.)? They both sort of address this in different ways - talking about happiness and/or meaning, making use of "day" jobs, etc. I suspect for you it's in creating more meaning in your life outside work and finding a new goal to work towards, since you say you've always been striving and suddenly... aren't. Goals and direction are important. Also google "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs".
You say you have semi-acquaintances... do you have friends or are you tied in to a community in any way? That's a big thing with us too, especially since we don't go to church and have moved around a bit.
I'm not smart or rich enough to help the world like that.
Of course you are, though I imagine she is many other things too, that most people are not.
Old mefi favorite: therapy.
posted by jrobin276 at 5:57 PM on October 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
You sound a teensy bit like you have some mild depression. Which, if you just got married, could also be good old Post-Project Depression.
Maybe up your physical activity, even take on a physical goal like Couch to 5K or weightlifting or get your first belt in a martial art?
I think this kind of ennui is normal to come and go with a good, non-dramatic, even-keeled job in a decent workplace. Developing strategies to weather the doldrums but not completely write off your internal feedback channels (a good job can sour slowly so that you wake up one day and realize it truly is awful somehow) is a good plan to have in your pocket.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:09 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Maybe up your physical activity, even take on a physical goal like Couch to 5K or weightlifting or get your first belt in a martial art?
I think this kind of ennui is normal to come and go with a good, non-dramatic, even-keeled job in a decent workplace. Developing strategies to weather the doldrums but not completely write off your internal feedback channels (a good job can sour slowly so that you wake up one day and realize it truly is awful somehow) is a good plan to have in your pocket.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:09 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're out of goals. Maybe you and your wife should set some!
posted by DarlingBri at 6:24 PM on October 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:24 PM on October 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm not happy unless I'm making (physical or electronic) things.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:17 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by quaking fajita at 7:17 PM on October 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Maybe you just like novelty! I’m this way a little bit, and aging seems to be helping. So...that’s depressing, sorry.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:18 PM on October 25, 2017
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:18 PM on October 25, 2017
A good, stable job and a good, stable home life (assuming since you just got married and have a house) are a jumping off point for getting emotionally invested in some kind of passion project. A serious hobby of some kind. Volunteering is a great hobby and is a passion project for some, but if your current volunteering isn’t scratching the itch, I’d continue it but also keep looking. Learning a language? Building things? A work out routine like running, lifting, CrossFit, etc.? Any skills you want to learn and then master? Pour all that energy that used to go into making your job better into making your free time better.
posted by notheotherone at 12:10 AM on October 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by notheotherone at 12:10 AM on October 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Reaching the top of a mountain does indeed mean that it's no longer possible to entertain yourself by climbing it.
Getting down off the mountain and starting over - the Alex Honnold option - is certainly available to you now, but so are many others.
always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve
Now is a good time to start giving serious consideration to what you get from doing that. What kind of improvement interests you? Improvement in reward/effort ratio? Improvement in professional skill? Improvement in working conditions? Improvement in your ability to improve? What are you actually improving for?
Not at all trying to suggest that you stop improving as a matter of deliberate policy; in fact you'd have to actively practice deliberate half-assedness in order to achieve that, which would be a clear waste of everybody's time including yours. Just suggesting that although having career goals and working toward them is obviously something you have until recently derived a certain clarity of purpose from, having now achieved those does not mean that in fact you must now give up that clarity: rather, you just need to get clear on what new goals interest you now that you find yourself shivering somewhat in the cool and bracing air of the career uplands.
All I can do is provide a decent life for my wife, myself, our dogs, and the fosters.
That's a whole lot of stuff that many people would think of as well worth doing. But you're by no means obliged to find it satisfactory just because other people do.
*
Take a step back and consider the problem you've posed us here in more general terms. Right now you're facing a severe difficulty - a quite possibly maladaptive itch to dump an otherwise excellent work situation and start over - that you've never had to face before. Put the details of that difficulty aside for a moment and consider it only as a difficulty. What have you done in the past, when faced with difficulty? By your own account, you've
always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve
So you now face this difficulty that's making you unhappy. But if you burn down your excellent job and go do something else, the reaching and striving and improvement will apparently return you to a condition where
For as long as I can remember, I've always been unhappy in my career
So you're boned! Some fucker has stolen your fucking comfort zone! And the worst part about that is
it was you all along
*
It just seems futile?
Well, maybe it is. What's the point of all those people you love having a decent life, after all? Make the bastards struggle for it like you did. That'll learn em. Meanwhile you can wander off and go fishing, or... wait a minute, that's futile as well! WTF!?
Practice makes perfect.
You have been practising being unhappy at work for long enough that you're now really good at it.
If being skilled at unhappiness is now proving unsatisfactory, perhaps it's time for a change. Not so much a career change as a goals change. Maybe it's time to make the specific and genuine skill of putting misery aside the thing you struggle to reach the next level of and improve at.
You know what's really, really hard to do, that people practice for years and still can't do well 100% of the time?
Sitting still.
Just sitting still, with no goal but remaining still and calm while fully aware in the present moment.
It's ridiculously, ludicrously difficult at first. But like any skill, you can get better at it with practise. Sounds to me like now would be a good time for you to start working on that.
posted by flabdablet at 9:36 AM on October 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Getting down off the mountain and starting over - the Alex Honnold option - is certainly available to you now, but so are many others.
always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve
Now is a good time to start giving serious consideration to what you get from doing that. What kind of improvement interests you? Improvement in reward/effort ratio? Improvement in professional skill? Improvement in working conditions? Improvement in your ability to improve? What are you actually improving for?
Not at all trying to suggest that you stop improving as a matter of deliberate policy; in fact you'd have to actively practice deliberate half-assedness in order to achieve that, which would be a clear waste of everybody's time including yours. Just suggesting that although having career goals and working toward them is obviously something you have until recently derived a certain clarity of purpose from, having now achieved those does not mean that in fact you must now give up that clarity: rather, you just need to get clear on what new goals interest you now that you find yourself shivering somewhat in the cool and bracing air of the career uplands.
All I can do is provide a decent life for my wife, myself, our dogs, and the fosters.
That's a whole lot of stuff that many people would think of as well worth doing. But you're by no means obliged to find it satisfactory just because other people do.
Take a step back and consider the problem you've posed us here in more general terms. Right now you're facing a severe difficulty - a quite possibly maladaptive itch to dump an otherwise excellent work situation and start over - that you've never had to face before. Put the details of that difficulty aside for a moment and consider it only as a difficulty. What have you done in the past, when faced with difficulty? By your own account, you've
always tried to reach the next level, always tried to improve
So you now face this difficulty that's making you unhappy. But if you burn down your excellent job and go do something else, the reaching and striving and improvement will apparently return you to a condition where
For as long as I can remember, I've always been unhappy in my career
So you're boned! Some fucker has stolen your fucking comfort zone! And the worst part about that is
*
It just seems futile?
Well, maybe it is. What's the point of all those people you love having a decent life, after all? Make the bastards struggle for it like you did. That'll learn em. Meanwhile you can wander off and go fishing, or... wait a minute, that's futile as well! WTF!?
Practice makes perfect.
You have been practising being unhappy at work for long enough that you're now really good at it.
If being skilled at unhappiness is now proving unsatisfactory, perhaps it's time for a change. Not so much a career change as a goals change. Maybe it's time to make the specific and genuine skill of putting misery aside the thing you struggle to reach the next level of and improve at.
You know what's really, really hard to do, that people practice for years and still can't do well 100% of the time?
Sitting still.
Just sitting still, with no goal but remaining still and calm while fully aware in the present moment.
It's ridiculously, ludicrously difficult at first. But like any skill, you can get better at it with practise. Sounds to me like now would be a good time for you to start working on that.
posted by flabdablet at 9:36 AM on October 26, 2017 [5 favorites]
Also, happiness is not mandatory. Any bastard who tells you it is is trying to sell you something. Even if it is only Gauloises and black coffee or a really useful book on what meditation is for and why doing some is a good idea. Life is random and wild and rich and complicated, and being miserable for some of it is only to be expected and perfectly acceptable.
posted by flabdablet at 9:44 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 9:44 AM on October 26, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by greta simone at 5:23 PM on October 25, 2017 [7 favorites]