I'm down on myself. Please help me be brave.
August 2, 2017 3:27 AM Subscribe
I'm struggling with depression (diagnosed, under treatment). What I need are written reminders to help me resist the lying internal monologue. Maybe you have a favorite passage, essay, or mantra that might help me be braver in shutting this voice down?
I just recently came across "On depression: the lies we tell ourselves" (Medium, Byrne Reese) and was struck--hard--by this, from someone with depression: "You have to keep repeating the obvious very simple truth: your inner voices are fucking liars big time. Every time, you tell them that. And expect that they will up the ante."
I would like to read more examples of people telling those voices to Fuck. Right. Off. Especially when the external circumstances would seem to confirm or support what the voices are saying. In these moments, I don't know how to trust myself, and it would make me braver if I had some go-to battle tactics I could turn to for help.
I just recently came across "On depression: the lies we tell ourselves" (Medium, Byrne Reese) and was struck--hard--by this, from someone with depression: "You have to keep repeating the obvious very simple truth: your inner voices are fucking liars big time. Every time, you tell them that. And expect that they will up the ante."
I would like to read more examples of people telling those voices to Fuck. Right. Off. Especially when the external circumstances would seem to confirm or support what the voices are saying. In these moments, I don't know how to trust myself, and it would make me braver if I had some go-to battle tactics I could turn to for help.
I've been trying to talk back to anxiety a lot lately, and I'm having success with "we don't need to worry about this right now/today" ('cause a lot of my anxiety is spiraling what-if worst-cases that have a tiny chance of happening way down the line).
"The fact that I just had this thought doesn't mean it's true (/will come true)" has also been helpful.
posted by terretu at 4:10 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
"The fact that I just had this thought doesn't mean it's true (/will come true)" has also been helpful.
posted by terretu at 4:10 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
I give you invictus. The man who wrote it was battling serious illness for long periods of his life.
posted by machinecraig at 4:14 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by machinecraig at 4:14 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
The simple phrase "Depression lies" is a useful thing for me to repeat to myself.
I believe it originated with the Bloggess. It's been picked up by Wil Wheaton and others. I have considered getting it tattooed on myself, and I don't feel strongly or permanently enough about anything else to do that.
posted by snowmentality at 4:54 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I believe it originated with the Bloggess. It's been picked up by Wil Wheaton and others. I have considered getting it tattooed on myself, and I don't feel strongly or permanently enough about anything else to do that.
posted by snowmentality at 4:54 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I favour saying "Not today, Satan, not today" in the style of drag queen Bianca Del Rio.
posted by kariebookish at 4:56 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by kariebookish at 4:56 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
I am pretty deep in the pit myself right now, so I don't know how helpful my advice really is. That said...
Every time I try to fight myself I go in circles. If I tell 'the voices' to fuck off 'they' dig in for a battle. Because they are trying to tell me something important. If they say "I'm no good, it's pointless to try, just stay in bed"... that means I'm scared of being hurt out there, I'm afraid to be vulnerable. The voices are trying to protect me. They are on my side. They just don't have all the right information and they lack the big picture.
There is always a goal behind what the voices say. Pay less attention to the content and more at the outcome they're pushing you towards. Being isolated and alone so that you don't get hurt, for example. Not applying to a job to avoid the pain of rejection. The thing is they aren't exactly wrong. It hurts like hell to be rejected. The story they tell is always completely made up... 'you're bad and terrible and have always been this way and always will be" -- that's the lie. But the goal -- "you're vulnerable right now and I don't want to see you hurt because I love you and because I AM you" -- I see it is an act of self-love that's been twisted and run away from itself.
There are CBT techniques for changing your beliefs about yourself. One way is to repeat evidence to yourself. For example, if the voices tell you you'll always fail, think about a time you succeeded and keep repeating that. And get out there and do things, small things at first, to build positive momentum.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:19 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
Every time I try to fight myself I go in circles. If I tell 'the voices' to fuck off 'they' dig in for a battle. Because they are trying to tell me something important. If they say "I'm no good, it's pointless to try, just stay in bed"... that means I'm scared of being hurt out there, I'm afraid to be vulnerable. The voices are trying to protect me. They are on my side. They just don't have all the right information and they lack the big picture.
There is always a goal behind what the voices say. Pay less attention to the content and more at the outcome they're pushing you towards. Being isolated and alone so that you don't get hurt, for example. Not applying to a job to avoid the pain of rejection. The thing is they aren't exactly wrong. It hurts like hell to be rejected. The story they tell is always completely made up... 'you're bad and terrible and have always been this way and always will be" -- that's the lie. But the goal -- "you're vulnerable right now and I don't want to see you hurt because I love you and because I AM you" -- I see it is an act of self-love that's been twisted and run away from itself.
There are CBT techniques for changing your beliefs about yourself. One way is to repeat evidence to yourself. For example, if the voices tell you you'll always fail, think about a time you succeeded and keep repeating that. And get out there and do things, small things at first, to build positive momentum.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:19 AM on August 2, 2017 [10 favorites]
Not all those who wander are lost.
posted by kimberussell at 6:00 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by kimberussell at 6:00 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
From a really great comment on an Ask not long ago: "Wow, the stories we tell ourselves." I like a quick, gentle reminder that truth can be subjective, especially regarding negative self-talk.
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by helloimjennsco at 6:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
My therapist taught me a visualisation that involves creating a safe and welcoming home for your more frustrating inner voices. You furnish the home with everything your inner weirdos need to feel happy and safe, and when they pop up in your head being unhelpful, you thank them for trying to take care of you, and then send them to their safe place while you get on with your everyday life.
Right now, my inner anxious paranoiac would very much like me to be obsessing over the fine details of various work-related dramas - who knew about x, and when, what decision y was really about, what if person z has been secretly against me all along. Instead, I am getting on with life, and she is doing her obsessive anxious thing in her safe place. I have thanked that particular inner weirdo for her attention to detail, acknowledged that she is doing her very best to keep me safe the only way she knows how, and asked her to please let me handle the situation in a different way. Because she is highly strung and needs something to obsess over, I have set her to work creating a painstakingly elaborate mosaic on the wall of the little hexagonal mountain cottage in my mind. Last week, she was planting hundreds of spring bulbs in straight lines around the cottage's perimeter. Importantly, she gets to be useful just the way she is, and I'm not spending any energy on "fighting" her or telling her all the reasons why she's wrong.
I was initially really reluctant to try out visualisations like this. It felt silly and forced, and I was scared that actively engaging with these inner aspects of myself would lead my therapist to think I was much crazier than I actually am. It helped when clarified that everyone has different aspects of self that arise in different situations - they're just specialised patterns of behaviour and memory networks that develop as a result our experiences. It's not the same as actually hearing voices or having DID. And while the first few times I tried the visualisation, I was pretty much just rolling my eyes and playing along, I've come to find it a surprisingly helpful tool for self care. Somehow, the visual metaphor created by imagining these interactions gives rise to attitudes and feelings that I was never really able to access using logic and words alone.
So, for your situation..many people experience depression as a sort of relentless inner critic. It can be helpful to think about what that critic really wants. It tells you how bad and terrible you are, so that...what? So you'll try to be less terrible? So you won't be so disappointed when you inevitably fail? So you'll work even harder and prove it wrong? To be clear, this kind of inner critic is not the brightest crayon in the box. It's trying to keep you safe and protect you from things that make you feel bad, but it's doing this by...making you feel bad. This isn't helpful. But depending on your history, it may have once been a reasonable response to traumatic experiences. I know that's the case for mine. Whatever your inner critic's reasons, it's usually possible to conceive of an explanation that makes it basically well-meaning if utterly misguided. Then, rather than fighting it (which for me, tends to lead to epic internal arguments where my inner critic just escalates its abuse), you can thank it for looking out for you, and send it off to its safe space to do something it's good at, while you get on with living.
I know, all of this is much, much easier said than done. I'm wishing you strength. There's life on the other side of all of this, I promise.
posted by embrangled at 6:04 AM on August 2, 2017 [51 favorites]
Right now, my inner anxious paranoiac would very much like me to be obsessing over the fine details of various work-related dramas - who knew about x, and when, what decision y was really about, what if person z has been secretly against me all along. Instead, I am getting on with life, and she is doing her obsessive anxious thing in her safe place. I have thanked that particular inner weirdo for her attention to detail, acknowledged that she is doing her very best to keep me safe the only way she knows how, and asked her to please let me handle the situation in a different way. Because she is highly strung and needs something to obsess over, I have set her to work creating a painstakingly elaborate mosaic on the wall of the little hexagonal mountain cottage in my mind. Last week, she was planting hundreds of spring bulbs in straight lines around the cottage's perimeter. Importantly, she gets to be useful just the way she is, and I'm not spending any energy on "fighting" her or telling her all the reasons why she's wrong.
I was initially really reluctant to try out visualisations like this. It felt silly and forced, and I was scared that actively engaging with these inner aspects of myself would lead my therapist to think I was much crazier than I actually am. It helped when clarified that everyone has different aspects of self that arise in different situations - they're just specialised patterns of behaviour and memory networks that develop as a result our experiences. It's not the same as actually hearing voices or having DID. And while the first few times I tried the visualisation, I was pretty much just rolling my eyes and playing along, I've come to find it a surprisingly helpful tool for self care. Somehow, the visual metaphor created by imagining these interactions gives rise to attitudes and feelings that I was never really able to access using logic and words alone.
So, for your situation..many people experience depression as a sort of relentless inner critic. It can be helpful to think about what that critic really wants. It tells you how bad and terrible you are, so that...what? So you'll try to be less terrible? So you won't be so disappointed when you inevitably fail? So you'll work even harder and prove it wrong? To be clear, this kind of inner critic is not the brightest crayon in the box. It's trying to keep you safe and protect you from things that make you feel bad, but it's doing this by...making you feel bad. This isn't helpful. But depending on your history, it may have once been a reasonable response to traumatic experiences. I know that's the case for mine. Whatever your inner critic's reasons, it's usually possible to conceive of an explanation that makes it basically well-meaning if utterly misguided. Then, rather than fighting it (which for me, tends to lead to epic internal arguments where my inner critic just escalates its abuse), you can thank it for looking out for you, and send it off to its safe space to do something it's good at, while you get on with living.
I know, all of this is much, much easier said than done. I'm wishing you strength. There's life on the other side of all of this, I promise.
posted by embrangled at 6:04 AM on August 2, 2017 [51 favorites]
Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might. (Ecclesiastes 9:10)
It puts the focus on things you can control; doing *something*, however small; that you are mighty; and that your best is enough.
posted by momus_window at 6:26 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
It puts the focus on things you can control; doing *something*, however small; that you are mighty; and that your best is enough.
posted by momus_window at 6:26 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Single best thing I ever found for watering down that sense of utter hopelessness and pointlessness was spending a couple hours just hanging out in a paddock on a cool but sunny spring day with three or four horses. Not doing anything to them or with them, just hanging out.
No idea what it is about horses, but it's something.
After that day I found it much easier to remind myself that my life had also contained many pleasant things, that its present shitty condition was most likely nowhere near as permanent as it appeared to be, and that a day spent doing nothing but waiting the fucker out really did count as genuine progress toward achieving a worthwhile goal.
posted by flabdablet at 6:28 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
No idea what it is about horses, but it's something.
After that day I found it much easier to remind myself that my life had also contained many pleasant things, that its present shitty condition was most likely nowhere near as permanent as it appeared to be, and that a day spent doing nothing but waiting the fucker out really did count as genuine progress toward achieving a worthwhile goal.
posted by flabdablet at 6:28 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Cliche choice, perhaps, but totally the Litany Against Fear from Dune, which I've been thinking about posting in my home somewhere very visible for similar reasons.
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
(Btw, like most of the Bene Gesserit philosophy in Dune, this is heavily based on a number of well-established real-life mindfulness meditation practices.)
posted by capricorn at 6:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
(Btw, like most of the Bene Gesserit philosophy in Dune, this is heavily based on a number of well-established real-life mindfulness meditation practices.)
posted by capricorn at 6:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
"Everything is terrible but it's going to be okay."
"Not today, I've got legs."
"You were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do."
I've also gotten mileage out of sort of mentally rolling my eyes at my obsessive negative thoughts for their sheer tediousness. Like, "Really, brain? You thought that would get me today? You've been telling me that shit since we were twelve and I haven't quit yet."
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:17 AM on August 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
"Not today, I've got legs."
"You were sick, but now you're well, and there's work to do."
I've also gotten mileage out of sort of mentally rolling my eyes at my obsessive negative thoughts for their sheer tediousness. Like, "Really, brain? You thought that would get me today? You've been telling me that shit since we were twelve and I haven't quit yet."
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:17 AM on August 2, 2017 [8 favorites]
When I was recovering from surgery and in a lot of pain, my partner asked me to find a part of my body that didn't hurt and think about that for a while. I settled on one of my fingers, and that was my designated not-in-pain bodypart for the rest of that recovery. We still do a little finger-wiggle at each other sometimes as a low-pressure, nonjudgmental way of saying, "For all the things that suck right now, there is at least one thing that doesn't."
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:21 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:21 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
There was a good comment here a few weeks (months?) ago about self care that said something along the lines of: imagine that the DepressedYou is one of your good friends, would you speak to your friend the way your depression speaks to you?
Example:
Friend -- Wow, I'm having trouble keeping up with household tasks because I've been feeling pretty down lately, I ache everywhere, it's hard to get out of bed sometimes.
DepressionVoice -- Loser! Man/Woman Up! You don't deserve happiness if you can't even do blah blah What kind of waste of space blah blah blah what even is the point GRAAAARRRR
If someone talked to you like that, you'd think they were an asshole and would probably not be friends with them anymore. Would you ever talk to a friend like that? Would you let someone else talk to your friend like that? Even when you think your friends are contributing to their own circumstances, you wouldn't chastise them and tell them they were unworthy of health and happiness.
Remember to be your own friend, remember to show compassion to yourself. Don't be afraid to tell your DepressionVoice that it's being an asshole.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:23 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Example:
Friend -- Wow, I'm having trouble keeping up with household tasks because I've been feeling pretty down lately, I ache everywhere, it's hard to get out of bed sometimes.
DepressionVoice -- Loser! Man/Woman Up! You don't deserve happiness if you can't even do blah blah What kind of waste of space blah blah blah what even is the point GRAAAARRRR
If someone talked to you like that, you'd think they were an asshole and would probably not be friends with them anymore. Would you ever talk to a friend like that? Would you let someone else talk to your friend like that? Even when you think your friends are contributing to their own circumstances, you wouldn't chastise them and tell them they were unworthy of health and happiness.
Remember to be your own friend, remember to show compassion to yourself. Don't be afraid to tell your DepressionVoice that it's being an asshole.
posted by melissasaurus at 7:23 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
My anxiety sometimes gets a foothold. I do something a lot like embrangled where I notice the thought/feeling, accept the thought/feeling, and tell the thought/feeling to take a seat with the other thoughts/feelings particularly the ones which are helping me get things done. I know a lot of people suggest meditation for this type of stuff, I am also one who does. I found that just taking some time off (10-20 minutes, it doesn't have to be a big thing) to just notice that if you don't give in to those feelings and turn it into a THING, you can sometimes, with practice, let them drift away. I also have a mantra which is "What would a friend say?" acknowleding that my anxious brain is not always a friend to me and that it's actually useful, sometimes, to listen to friends.
I am not saying that "Fuck right off" is not a helpful mantra as well, it is, but sometimes you can get down on yourself for even having the feelings, and that can be a spiral so figuring out a way to love yourself, even your somewhat (temporarily) maladapted self was a helpful way for me to manage.
It also helps me to remember the Zen story of two monks and a woman. Negative shit is going to happen in our lives even under the best circumstances. Dwelling on it gives it a fertile place to take root and thrive, moving on frees up your mind to do more stuff which is useful to you. So my short mantra for this is "Put that down" as if I was talking to a pet or a young person.
posted by jessamyn at 7:23 AM on August 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
I am not saying that "Fuck right off" is not a helpful mantra as well, it is, but sometimes you can get down on yourself for even having the feelings, and that can be a spiral so figuring out a way to love yourself, even your somewhat (temporarily) maladapted self was a helpful way for me to manage.
It also helps me to remember the Zen story of two monks and a woman. Negative shit is going to happen in our lives even under the best circumstances. Dwelling on it gives it a fertile place to take root and thrive, moving on frees up your mind to do more stuff which is useful to you. So my short mantra for this is "Put that down" as if I was talking to a pet or a young person.
posted by jessamyn at 7:23 AM on August 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Also: the part of this that starts with "Wishing, in gladness and safety." The whole thing is good, but the very beginning sometimes feeds into negative self-talk for me, and the bit about "Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none, the great or the mighty, medium, short or small" I find especially soothing. The idea that even weak and small (or medium!) beings deserve peace is a nice one when you're depressed and inclined to get self-critically hung up on your own weakness or round your own mediumness down to smallness.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:27 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:27 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
This may take some backstory, but it worked for me (caveat - I have never had depression, but it helped during that first insecure couple months right after college).
I was profoundly blown away by the Tank Man at Tianamen Square, who stopped a whole line of advancing tanks by just walking into their path and standing there. If you watch the video, he does eventually wave at them to "get out of here," but mostly he is just standing there and just existing, and even just standing there existing is enough to bring a whole line of tanks to a stop.
What I took from that is that sometimes even if you can't do anything in the face of what's happening, it still can be important to just stand there and be there, and that can be its own power.
I translated that into "Just keep standing in front of the tank," but you can phrase that how you may.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I was profoundly blown away by the Tank Man at Tianamen Square, who stopped a whole line of advancing tanks by just walking into their path and standing there. If you watch the video, he does eventually wave at them to "get out of here," but mostly he is just standing there and just existing, and even just standing there existing is enough to bring a whole line of tanks to a stop.
What I took from that is that sometimes even if you can't do anything in the face of what's happening, it still can be important to just stand there and be there, and that can be its own power.
I translated that into "Just keep standing in front of the tank," but you can phrase that how you may.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:37 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I force myself to remember that one day I'll wake up and not be able to understand why I was so hard on myself and how it was that I couldn't see the (now obvious) good stuff.
(It's gotten easier to make this effective because I've been through the cycle so many times now, and I make a point now when I'm feeling good to notice it and tell myself "see, one day you might wake up and not believe that you can feel this good, so remember that on this date you thought 'I feel truly excellent.'" And then when I'm in a bad stage I just don't let myself believe my feelings too much; if I come to some terrible conclusions in my thinking, I force myself to hold off on them and not accept them as actual truths until I've had a chance to think them through in a non-depressed state. However long that takes.)
I also, when I'm feeling good, try to notice and save up all the things that make me feel good about myself or about the world, so that I can remember more easily when things get bad.
Stephen Fry wrote about this with a comparison to changes in weather. I also really like this cartoon (Cat Rackham) for how it captures the arbitrariness of depression.
When I just can't deal with the negativism and catastrophism, I do my best to distract myself with music, things that historically have made me laugh, movies I know won't ruin my mood, etc. If nothing else I know I've been through this before and can get to the other side, and I'll make the time go by to get there.
posted by trig at 7:56 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
(It's gotten easier to make this effective because I've been through the cycle so many times now, and I make a point now when I'm feeling good to notice it and tell myself "see, one day you might wake up and not believe that you can feel this good, so remember that on this date you thought 'I feel truly excellent.'" And then when I'm in a bad stage I just don't let myself believe my feelings too much; if I come to some terrible conclusions in my thinking, I force myself to hold off on them and not accept them as actual truths until I've had a chance to think them through in a non-depressed state. However long that takes.)
I also, when I'm feeling good, try to notice and save up all the things that make me feel good about myself or about the world, so that I can remember more easily when things get bad.
Stephen Fry wrote about this with a comparison to changes in weather. I also really like this cartoon (Cat Rackham) for how it captures the arbitrariness of depression.
When I just can't deal with the negativism and catastrophism, I do my best to distract myself with music, things that historically have made me laugh, movies I know won't ruin my mood, etc. If nothing else I know I've been through this before and can get to the other side, and I'll make the time go by to get there.
posted by trig at 7:56 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
from a Sharlto Copely interview: "Don't stop when the hell comes"
posted by alchemist at 8:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by alchemist at 8:52 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Will you accept a song? Because this song ("Better Sons and Daughters," Rilo Kiley) really helped me through a bleak depression. It helped to remind myself that there was a proverbial light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, even though I couldn't see it at the time.
I'm standing in it now, and I recommend that song.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm standing in it now, and I recommend that song.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
read this book where this teenager saw his depression as a growly, bigass black dog that just happened to follow him around.
thought it was a brilliant analog for seeing depression as something that is there, yes, but that its not *you*.
he had cool ways to get this black dog to chill out too, like making sure it gets "walked" daily (getting out of the house); making sure it gets fed well; remembering to let it nap if its tired, and if you happen across other dog owners maybe you can share tips on dog-care etc. thought he was a pretty cool kid.
stay strong <3
posted by speakeasy at 9:09 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
thought it was a brilliant analog for seeing depression as something that is there, yes, but that its not *you*.
he had cool ways to get this black dog to chill out too, like making sure it gets "walked" daily (getting out of the house); making sure it gets fed well; remembering to let it nap if its tired, and if you happen across other dog owners maybe you can share tips on dog-care etc. thought he was a pretty cool kid.
stay strong <3
posted by speakeasy at 9:09 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
This article talks about a study from 2014 which showed that people who use 2nd or 3rd person in talking to themselves are able to create more distance between their negative self-talk and themselves.
I have found that to be really true for me, and to the extent I'm able to do it, it works even better when I say it out loud. For example, if my internal monologue is saying 'I'm such a procrastinator, why can't I just get this done? What is wrong with me?', I feel like shit. But when I switch that to 'You're such a procrastinator, widdershins', particularly if I say it out loud, then the statement actually ends there. Because somehow I'm able to see it as something I'm doing, not something I'm being, and trying to do differently is a hell of a lot easier than trying to be different. And I can respond to myself with something like 'OK, so let's see if you can do something differently today. Let's tackle the first part and then you can have a break.'
Have you heard the quote 'Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle'? That includes you. Be kind to yourself. Negative self-talk sucks, but with time you can get to the place where you go 'oh, that silly voice again? Pshaw, away with you.'
posted by widdershins at 9:38 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
I have found that to be really true for me, and to the extent I'm able to do it, it works even better when I say it out loud. For example, if my internal monologue is saying 'I'm such a procrastinator, why can't I just get this done? What is wrong with me?', I feel like shit. But when I switch that to 'You're such a procrastinator, widdershins', particularly if I say it out loud, then the statement actually ends there. Because somehow I'm able to see it as something I'm doing, not something I'm being, and trying to do differently is a hell of a lot easier than trying to be different. And I can respond to myself with something like 'OK, so let's see if you can do something differently today. Let's tackle the first part and then you can have a break.'
Have you heard the quote 'Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a battle'? That includes you. Be kind to yourself. Negative self-talk sucks, but with time you can get to the place where you go 'oh, that silly voice again? Pshaw, away with you.'
posted by widdershins at 9:38 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
I try to stay away from absolutes in speaking to myself, especially when depressed. For example:
I'm always such a....
I'll never be a success.
There's no point in trying anymore because every time I do, I screw it up.
Other absolutes include
all, just, only, none, no, not, must
In changing my own language when speaking to myself, correcting it, calling the absolutes to order, the negative thoughts often become something more malleable that I know will wash away when my mood starts to improve.
posted by Crystal Fox at 10:25 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm always such a....
I'll never be a success.
There's no point in trying anymore because every time I do, I screw it up.
Other absolutes include
all, just, only, none, no, not, must
In changing my own language when speaking to myself, correcting it, calling the absolutes to order, the negative thoughts often become something more malleable that I know will wash away when my mood starts to improve.
posted by Crystal Fox at 10:25 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've found that my first-person self talk is much healthier. As always, YMMV.
posted by thelonius at 10:31 AM on August 2, 2017
posted by thelonius at 10:31 AM on August 2, 2017
In same vein as Invictus above, this poem speaks to me everytime when I'm down. Carry on by Robert Service
posted by 7life at 10:54 AM on August 2, 2017
posted by 7life at 10:54 AM on August 2, 2017
Another thing I like to remind myself during extended periods of relentless internal darkness is that life is rich and strange, happiness is not the only acceptable state, and fuck anybody who says it's compulsory.
I may well feel like a human garbage fire right now, but I have no obligation to Get Happy just to please you.
posted by flabdablet at 11:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
I may well feel like a human garbage fire right now, but I have no obligation to Get Happy just to please you.
posted by flabdablet at 11:01 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Don't be afraid to tell your DepressionVoice that it's being an asshole
I take a different approach. I try to see DepressionVoice (or her friend, AnxietyVoice) as a well-meaning but ineffective (or unskillful) friend that used to know what was up, but has since lost-touch. So I don't get "mad" or angry with this side of myself, I try to be compassionate towards it. I don't try to banish it, but sit with it, with understanding.
So many of our mental scripts are developed as "problem solving" options, and some get really comfortable even though they can be misguided.... so just understand that what DepressionVoice and AnxietyVoice are trying to do is protect you (i.e. "You're miserable? Just go to bed so you don't bother anyone"--it's a solution that doesn't "help" over time).
Recognizing this can help with you being more compassionate towards all the dimensions of yourself. Good luck with your journey. There's great advice above.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:13 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
I take a different approach. I try to see DepressionVoice (or her friend, AnxietyVoice) as a well-meaning but ineffective (or unskillful) friend that used to know what was up, but has since lost-touch. So I don't get "mad" or angry with this side of myself, I try to be compassionate towards it. I don't try to banish it, but sit with it, with understanding.
So many of our mental scripts are developed as "problem solving" options, and some get really comfortable even though they can be misguided.... so just understand that what DepressionVoice and AnxietyVoice are trying to do is protect you (i.e. "You're miserable? Just go to bed so you don't bother anyone"--it's a solution that doesn't "help" over time).
Recognizing this can help with you being more compassionate towards all the dimensions of yourself. Good luck with your journey. There's great advice above.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:13 AM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
My mantra comes from Julian of Norwich “All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.” It has a soothing cadence to me, and repeating it in my head helps drown out the voices of depression and anxiety.
posted by Ruki at 11:51 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 11:51 AM on August 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
It doesn't directly address your immediate needs right now but I humbly submit: Feeding Your Demons by Tsultrim Allione. Read an overview article here.
posted by driedmango at 11:55 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by driedmango at 11:55 AM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
i tell myself, "feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts."
posted by Jesse the K at 3:57 PM on August 2, 2017
posted by Jesse the K at 3:57 PM on August 2, 2017
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…to throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…”
– Aldous Huxley, Island
posted by banterboy at 6:14 PM on August 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
– Aldous Huxley, Island
posted by banterboy at 6:14 PM on August 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
This isn't "fuck off" but I find these helpful:
This too shall pass
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 6:50 PM on August 2, 2017
This too shall pass
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 6:50 PM on August 2, 2017
"As long as you're breathing, there's more right with you than wrong with you" (from Jon Kabat-Zinn, a mindfulness teacher)
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:53 PM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Dressed to Kill at 6:53 PM on August 2, 2017 [4 favorites]
I took an online workshop with Pema CHodron called "The Freedom to Choose Something Different" that was very helpful regarding changing/stopping the inner negative monologue that goes on all day. My public library has several of her books on cd and the one I checked out was also helpful.
Highly recommended.
posted by mulcahy at 8:21 PM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
Highly recommended.
posted by mulcahy at 8:21 PM on August 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
If all of the usual things aren't working, sometimes I can quiet my head by setting an alarm. It's bargaining: ok, I will discuss this for half an hour more. Then I dance. I set two alarms now (on my iPhone) but I started with more. It goes off and the groove is on. Sometimes it works and I can get on with my day. Sometimes not and I repeat the whole thing. Either way I am in charge for a while. And I get to "dance." (I can't dance. If I can move something in time with the music, good enuff.) Small wins matter.
posted by Kalatraz at 2:06 AM on August 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Kalatraz at 2:06 AM on August 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Stumbled across this quote during a bout of particularly nasty shenanigans at work. Attributed to Churchill:
"When you're going through hell, keep going"
Don't know if you're depression is externally aggravated as mine tends to be, but this makes me grit my teeth, face the storm, and get back on my horse.
(Try and picture a scowling bulldog as you say it. Grrr.)
posted by 5imon at 3:41 AM on August 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
"When you're going through hell, keep going"
Don't know if you're depression is externally aggravated as mine tends to be, but this makes me grit my teeth, face the storm, and get back on my horse.
(Try and picture a scowling bulldog as you say it. Grrr.)
posted by 5imon at 3:41 AM on August 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Adding one vote for that Rilo Kiley song, and also "Strong Swimmer" by Shelby Earl. My go-to is the poem "The Journey" by Mary Oliver, and much of her other poetry is a deep comfort to me. I also really love Josh Ritter's songs for a boost.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 8:48 AM on August 3, 2017
posted by fairlynearlyready at 8:48 AM on August 3, 2017
For me anthropomorphication and firmly characterizing my self critical thoughts as an evil entity invading me from outside myself, a little psychic parasite, has worked very well.
I visualize my negative internal voice as a caricaturized Disney high school "queen of a clique" bully (I imagine her looking like Paris Hilton, tbh). This enables me to laugh off a lot of what she says.
Battle tactics:
Sometimes I might repeat what it says out loud in a particular exaggerated tone of voice to hear the nonsense for what it is, as one would repeat someone's words back at them to mock them.
Sometimes I say (internally, or out loud if the thought is particularly intrusive) "yeah, not interested in listening, bye" or variants thereof. If necessary I then forcibly distract myself by reading something, calling someone, etc.
How I trust myself:
I don't consider my voice to need compassion or to be "heard". It's not like grief or rage or anxiety, things that are trying to be helpful but are out of whack. It lies to me out of cruelty and I don't have patience for it. I don't tolerate it in the same way I don't tolerate bullies.
It's not like being aware of flaws is a bad trait, but the self hating voice isn't constructive self criticism, in the same way writing "this sucks I hate it" isn't constructive criticism of a piece of writing. Constructive criticism is an act of love and no one who loves someone talks to them this way.
That's how I distinguish between the parasite and my actual conscience - If it has useful suggestions to make in a respectful fashion it's worth listening to, but if it's just about being abusive and beating me up it deserves as much consideration as obnoxious internet troll.
I'll even say, to myself, I refuse to listen to this unless you have something useful to contribute. Or "will beating myself up about this accomplish anything? No? Then I'm not going to".
It's always possible to come back and revisit the issue later for self-improvement purposes with a more compassionate inner voice. That's what I remind myself: I have more options for fixing the problem than "beat myself into a pulp", especially because that has literally never worked. If I don't have the energy to come up with them now, because I'm sad or ashamed or whatever, then I can always come back to them later.
posted by Cozybee at 11:16 AM on August 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
I visualize my negative internal voice as a caricaturized Disney high school "queen of a clique" bully (I imagine her looking like Paris Hilton, tbh). This enables me to laugh off a lot of what she says.
Battle tactics:
Sometimes I might repeat what it says out loud in a particular exaggerated tone of voice to hear the nonsense for what it is, as one would repeat someone's words back at them to mock them.
Sometimes I say (internally, or out loud if the thought is particularly intrusive) "yeah, not interested in listening, bye" or variants thereof. If necessary I then forcibly distract myself by reading something, calling someone, etc.
How I trust myself:
I don't consider my voice to need compassion or to be "heard". It's not like grief or rage or anxiety, things that are trying to be helpful but are out of whack. It lies to me out of cruelty and I don't have patience for it. I don't tolerate it in the same way I don't tolerate bullies.
It's not like being aware of flaws is a bad trait, but the self hating voice isn't constructive self criticism, in the same way writing "this sucks I hate it" isn't constructive criticism of a piece of writing. Constructive criticism is an act of love and no one who loves someone talks to them this way.
That's how I distinguish between the parasite and my actual conscience - If it has useful suggestions to make in a respectful fashion it's worth listening to, but if it's just about being abusive and beating me up it deserves as much consideration as obnoxious internet troll.
I'll even say, to myself, I refuse to listen to this unless you have something useful to contribute. Or "will beating myself up about this accomplish anything? No? Then I'm not going to".
It's always possible to come back and revisit the issue later for self-improvement purposes with a more compassionate inner voice. That's what I remind myself: I have more options for fixing the problem than "beat myself into a pulp", especially because that has literally never worked. If I don't have the energy to come up with them now, because I'm sad or ashamed or whatever, then I can always come back to them later.
posted by Cozybee at 11:16 AM on August 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh and a technique I saw elsewhere I haven't tried but could quite likely be effective is imagine the criticism as a Trump tweet and decide on that basis how much you care.
"Anonymous is TERRIBLE at doing the dishes! I do the dishes the best! My hands are dish washing hands! What a stupid lump anonymous is! Sad!"
posted by Cozybee at 11:38 AM on August 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
"Anonymous is TERRIBLE at doing the dishes! I do the dishes the best! My hands are dish washing hands! What a stupid lump anonymous is! Sad!"
posted by Cozybee at 11:38 AM on August 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
"Do today today"
posted by thelonius at 3:37 AM on August 2, 2017 [2 favorites]