How to gracefully not drink when you are in a drinking business culture

June 3, 2017 2:10 PM

I am planning to be teetotal for an extended period, but taking people out for drinks is part of my job. I need help navigating this.

Unfortunately, I work in a company and an industry and a country where drinking is common and an expected part of social and business life. In coming weeks I'll be taking over relationship management with a large customer and a normal part of this would be taking relevant people out for drinks. I need to not only be able to refuse to drink myself but make others comfortable and find other ways to bond. How can I do this (sadly) important part of my job and stay dry?

posted by i_am_joe's_spleen to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Can you stop by early and enlist the aid of the bartender? Then when the clients are there, you order "my usual," and they bring you Coke on the rocks with lime, or whatever.
posted by ottereroticist at 2:26 PM on June 3, 2017 [11 favorites]

See this question from two days ago for some good non-alcoholic drink options.
posted by limeonaire at 2:29 PM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

I knew someone who dealt with this by speaking with the bartender in advance and asking them to make whatever they ordered without alcohol. You need to be able to order in front of the client, even if they suggest you try this great cocktail this place has or are at someplace where you clearly wouldn't have a usual drink.

The person I knew found this worked pretty well until one day something went wrong and they got a regular drink which they inadvertently drank.

It will help if you always seem to have a thing that appears to be a drink. It's easier to make something that will appear to be a mixed drink. As much as possible, you should try to go to places where mixed drinks are the most common drink served -- if everyone else is drinking beer or wine, you don't want to stand out and invite scrutiny by having a mixed drink.

Get to know the bartenders and waitstaff where you usually go, and always tip very, very generously. You are asking them to help you with your job and to keep your secret, this is a big deal but they will be happy to help you if you tip well. You need to tip well enough to be remembered by them, and they will remember what you want. Pay attention to who your servers and bartenders are, you need to know them by name and sight so you will recognize if there is a new employee.
posted by yohko at 2:44 PM on June 3, 2017 [9 favorites]

I can't tell you what to do in your situation, I can only share my experience and hope it's helpful for you. I work in an industry where, on occasion, I have to attend an annual conference where others in my field drink socially at dinners and mixers. I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober for 13 years.

When I go to these conferences, I will socialize for relatively brief periods of time (1-3 hours max) for meals and networking events where folks are having a beer/cocktail or two. I usually have a sparkling water with lemon or lime and chat it up with people. Oddly enough, I have found that the only people that actually pay attention to what I am drinking usually end up having a problem with alcohol themselves. I have never once had anyone ask me why I wasn't drinking something alcoholic. And if anyone ever does, I will tell them either, "I don't drink" or "I take medication and I can't drink with the medication", both of which are true.

Also, I always make sure to have an exit plan, i.e. a way to get away from folks should people start getting too drunk or weird or whatever. I take phone numbers of AA people or other friends with me too, so I can call someone if I think I might make a bad decision and drink. For me, no business relationship is worth drinking. I can't afford to go down the road of alcoholism again.

Your situation may be different. You will have to figure out what your dealbreakers are and how to strategize staying away from them. Hope this helps.
posted by strelitzia at 2:45 PM on June 3, 2017 [27 favorites]

I spent a large part of my uni-life and twenties teetotal (and considering doing so again), and honestly, I never found it to be an issue - I never spoke to the bartender in advance, or ordered a drink which looked like it could conceivably be alcoholic. I didn't shout from the rooftops that I wasn't drinking but I made no attempt to hide it either. If anyone asked me about it, I'd just say "I don't really drink" but it never became a conversation. (However, I am not white, so it's possible that people may have thought I was doing it for religious reasons and decided not to pry.)

Whatever the case, I just never really found it an issue. I'm prepared to bet that you won't either. I don't think you should go into your teetotal period with the fear/feeling that this is going to be a 'thing' that you're going to have to explain/defend. As long as you've got a liquid in your hand, it should be fine.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:54 PM on June 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Just to clarify, the issue is not so much what to sub in for booze, but more how not to appear anti-social and harsh other people's buzz. Sorry not to have made this clearer.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 3:06 PM on June 3, 2017

Well, if you are the person taking the clients out, just say "What are you having? Wine? Brandy?" (or something like that) to your clients when the waiter/waitress/bartender comes around. This establishes you as the host. Then when it's your turn, order your drink. If your clients question your choice, just say you're taking medication and can't mix it with alcohol. Or that you're under doctors orders not to drink for a couple of months. I think that keeps the vibe open for your clients to drink.
posted by gt2 at 3:17 PM on June 3, 2017 [8 favorites]

In my experience, I'm the one paying attention to whether other people are "paying attention" to what's in my hand. It is not actually other people noticing whether I am or am not partaking. It's my over-active, over-complicating brain at odds with a normal after-hours sit-down.

Showing up and interacting takes care of me not appearing anti-social. To prevent harshing someone else's buzz, don't discuss Nietzsche. Or maybe do.
posted by ovenmitt at 3:21 PM on June 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

I think you don't appear anti-social or harshing on a buzz by being enthusiastic about what you are drinking. If you can go to the trouble of scoping out bartenders and asking them to secretly sub in non-alcoholic drinks then you can actually go to the trouble of visiting a likely establishment on the off-hours and asking what their best non-alcoholic drinks are. Do they have kombucha on tap? Or interesting drinking vinegars? Sorry, this is a very Portland thing but if there is something interesting that they have that is non-alcoholic, that can be a real treat and something to have enthusiastically, then get that. There's this cola drink that is kind of expensive but I feel like is actually the best version of coke on the planet, it's Fentimans Curiosity Cola. The other day, I ordered it at the bar and told my friends, "This is the world's best coke," and they ordered it as well and we all enjoyed ourselves.

So, I think you (a) order something unique and/or something studied like, "Oh, I always have a seltzer with lime and a dash of bitters" or whatever, (b) be friendly and enthusiastic and don't linger, (c) if anyone asks, just say, "Ohhh, not for me tonight, you go ahead. Hey if you like beer, the local [X] is great...."
posted by amanda at 3:22 PM on June 3, 2017

I have a job with similar demands. It's intensely social and focused around drinking.
I stooped drinking for the month of February and no one really noticed. If you're eating it's harder for it to pass unnoticed but in any bar or club situation it was fine (even with buying rounds).
I just focused on really listening to other people, and actually got a lot out of the process.
Also I sometimes smoked weed later in the evening when drunk people became too annoying for me.
posted by stevedawg at 3:25 PM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

I smile and say "the company is more important than the contents of the glass"
posted by brujita at 4:39 PM on June 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

A lot of this is going to depend on the country and specific drinking culture. I've spent some time traveling for business in Korea, and the culture of drinking is very different. People are pouring rounds of shots from a common bottle, it's not like you each order your own drink and drink it alone. So if you have specific cultural requirements like that, you might have to think about how to deal with those precise environments, and turning down an offered drink is very different than just ordering a non-alcoholic beverages at a bar.

I expect in an environment like that, to avoid alcohol 100%, you would have to tell at least whoever was pouring the drinks - or be that person yourself. It would probably help if you can act a bit embarrassed about the situation, like you really wish you could be drinking with them, but can't for reasons that are beyond your control. And then you would want to make up for it with other displays of sociality and unreserved friendliness.

In such an environment, there would definitely be people who would still mistrust you a bit for getting them drunk without being drunk yourself. That, though, I don't think there's any way to avoid. All you can do is mitigate what you can and then see what happens. Once you build up some cred that should help.
posted by Lady Li at 4:47 PM on June 3, 2017 [9 favorites]

You used to be able to drink but as you've gotten older you get horrible splitting headaches from any kind of alcohol. Yes, even that kind. Happened to your dad/mom/sister/brother too. Must be genetic.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:54 PM on June 3, 2017 [7 favorites]

No, haven't seen a doctor about it. Since it seems to be a family trait and not consuming alcohol is the cure it it's not with the bother.
posted by BoscosMom at 4:57 PM on June 3, 2017

(fwiw, i'd be a little upset if i was alone with you and found out you'd been buying me alcoholic drinks and secretly making your own non-alcoholic. that says to me "i'm trying to take advantage of you," and it would make me mistrust you and possibly worry for my physical safety around you. please be relatively open about whatever you're doing.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:06 PM on June 3, 2017 [25 favorites]

Can you seize the mantle of the designated driver?
posted by SemiSalt at 5:56 PM on June 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Can you find a different activity you can do that will replace going out for drinks? Purposely odd replacement suggestions: Pickleball? Trying out the new city bike share and going for a nice ride around a park? Rock climbing? Fancy coffee shop?
posted by jillithd at 6:18 PM on June 3, 2017

You've gotten some great suggestions for drink alternatives so I'll just say this. Because of your role as the host in these situations, I think the most difficult thing to navigate might be that you're setting the tone -- whether you want to or not -- for what kind of event it is, how much people should feel open to indulging, etc. Would it be possible to see if people prefer red or white wine and then order some wine "for the table"? Or could you just say, I can't drink tonight because of $REASONS but I've got the corporate card and everything is on me! Or if you're familiar with the menu, you might say, I need to start with water, but they have the most incredible spicy margaritas/rare scotch tastings/whatever at this place. Anything that telegraphs you're happy for your companions to drink works, really.

Unfortunately, often, wooing someone for business and drinking are too integrated and you might run the risk of not drinking equalling your guests not drinking which means they feel, subconsciously or not, that it wasn't as much fun/they weren't properly wooed or acknowledged.
posted by kate blank at 7:15 PM on June 3, 2017 [10 favorites]

Try to have a mental list of conversation turners. Order your seltzer with lime or whatever. If questioned I don't drink and be ready to start a new topic. Distraction can be very effective.
posted by theora55 at 9:10 PM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's possible that you could turn this to some sort of competitive advantage. Maybe there are others who are avoiding drinking, and could be customers for your company. If you can identify who they are, you can be the vendor who woos them over some other thing instead of drinks. Box seats for performances or sporting events, skiing, one of those places where you can drive a racecar on a track, helicopter tours, ballooning, snowmobile or ATV guided tours, etc.

Some of these are things the tour operators won't let people do if they have been drinking, so they would also be options if you need something that telegraphs "fun" without alcohol.
posted by yohko at 9:46 PM on June 3, 2017

I used to go out to bars and parties with a friend who was a recovering alcoholic. I was the only one in the group who knew that he was a recovering alcoholic and because he was a co-worker, I was always watching very closely when it came time for him to order because I knew if he ever did order a drink it would mean big problems. He never made any big deal out of it whatsoever, he wouldn't say "I don't drink" or try to explain anything - he always just said something casual like "no thanks" if he got offered something, or "just water for me" if someone was taking orders. I work in a profession where folks can get a little rowdy and whatnot when they go out and get macho about drinking and stuff, but I will tell you that as far as I could see, I was really the only one who noticed what this guy was doing. No one else ever seemed to bat an eyelash or ever made a comment. Your mileage may vary but I really think most people don't hassle others about this or even care, and I absolutely agree that people who do ask or give pressure are usually expressing some sort of personal insecurity of their own.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:18 PM on June 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

When i was still djing a lot and didn't want to drink on a night, I just ordered plain club soda. It's a drink you kind of have to sip, so it sort of looks like you're drinking something with booze in it and people don't tend to encourage you to drink something else. Then I'd just order 'another'.
posted by empath at 7:15 AM on June 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

the issue is not so much what to sub in for booze, but more how not to appear anti-social and harsh other people's buzz.

I somewhat understand your anxiety around this issue but to be blunt this is not a problem you should feel compelled to solve. You can only control your comfort level.

How to be graceful? Order your non-alcoholic drink and move on. If someone asks you can say, I'm not drinking today. They probably won't ask the next time.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:05 AM on June 4, 2017

As a socially-anxious introvert who really needs a drink to feel comfortable in a social situation, this is what would make me feel better if I were your client: just order your drink. "Diet Coke, please." No games, excuses, or apologies. If someone questions you, have a short, prepared comment ready ("oh, you know, *hangovers,* amiright?") with a change of topic. Then, and this is key, when you notice glasses getting empty, start offering another round, assuming you're buying. If not, something like "hey Jim, need another beer? Let me find the waiter" or such. Just to acknowledge that it would be perfectly fine to order another drink. Obviously you don't want to come off as pushing booze, or making them feel like they HAVE to order another drink, just that it's okay for them to do so. At that point, I would be totally fine with the situation and not think twice about your lack of alcohol.
posted by storminator7 at 11:45 AM on June 4, 2017

Going against the grain here. I know folks well who don't drink, and it absolutely is an issue socially. It's not like people don't like you per se, but they look at you a little weird if you're not drinking, or want to know why. What I've seen is that you will get questions if people figure it out. Not every time, or even very often, but it happens. It's (fairly) easy for someone to hide for a night, but it's hard to hide if you meet with the same people over and over.

The advice here is good. Seltzer water, non-alcoholic mixed drinks or a half glass of cola on the rocks all look like they could be drinks. My observation of this has been that the key thing is to have a drink on you, and don't actually drink it, because then you don't have to order another one. If you're offered something else, hold up your "drink" and say, "No - I'm good."

This is even more critical in a sales situation. If you're behaving in any way that seems like you're not fitting in, that's bad for sales. I'd probably opt for calling ahead, or excusing yourself when you get there and then grabbing a (non-alcoholic) drink at the bar and saying you're thirsty when you come back, or grabbing the waiter and mentioning it. I'd recommend against outright lying. Avoid, don't lie. If someone asks you, tell the truth.
posted by cnc at 3:10 PM on June 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

Get a club soda and if anyone crabs just say you don't want alcohol because you have a headache.
posted by agregoli at 10:24 AM on June 5, 2017

How total is your teetotal? I'll often order a club soda with bitters when I'm out with people and don't want to drink. I love cocktails, and I love bitters, so I know a few of my favorites by name. I can see this being even a bit impressive in a work function, showing off your knowledge of a specific part of drinking culture (e.g., "do you have Boker's bitters? no? then i'll have a club soda with angostura, over ice with a slice of lemon, please.) But you'll still be getting a negligible amount of alcohol.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:51 AM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

In my experience the only people who ever cared or noticed when I didn't drink were:
1. college friends I used to get blasted with - noticed, but once I just said I wasn't drinking, did not care.

2. new colleagues who wanted to assure me that it was ok if I wanted a drink. I'm shy and look youngish, so some people thought that maybe I was holding back from ordering a drink because I didn't want to be inappropriate, but once I just told them I didn't feel like drinking, everything was fine.

Just order whatever you want to drink and let others do the same. Don't play it up like I'm not drink but omg you guys definitely should here have more have a shot its ok im not judging are you comfortable yet?!? <-- That is a bit creepy
posted by WeekendJen at 11:44 AM on June 5, 2017