Extroverts, how much time do you spend with other people?

May 30, 2017 7:16 AM

I'm looking for breakdowns of how much time is spent with other people. I'm still new(ish) to my city and making friends. I've made some really good ones, but they tend to be introverts and I just need more time with other people and I'm trying to get an idea of what is "normal."

I had spent several years away living abroad in various contexts with varying amounts of friends and contact with others. Now that I'm stateside and trying to set up a more regular life for myself I'm still having difficulty figuring out how some of the pieces fit together.

In my last two years abroad I was lonely a lot. I was often among others but language barriers and cultural differences meant that I wasn't always getting fulfilling interactions. In coming back to the states one of my refrains has been "I'm tired of being alone. I did that for 4 years and I'm not doing that anymore."

When I returned to the states I moved to a new city where I knew absolutely no one for a job. I've slowly made some friends and a few people awuantainces even moved here, giving me an opportunity to get to know them better. I guest speak at schools for my job so I spend a combination of my time at our very small office and teaching in high schools. Of the other office workers, 3 others have roles that bring them in and out of the office so I can go a few days without seeing them/interacting with them. High school students are great (I love working with them) but not having peers to interact with wears on me. I'm looking at changing jobs, but for various reasons that won't happen for another year or so.

I try to see friends at least weekly and I live with a roommate (with odd hours so sometimes we hang out at home and sometimes not). I've just started volunteering at the Humane Society and joined a book group (though I bring the average age down a decade or two).

I also just got dumped about a week ago. One of the things that came up was that I leaned too heavily on him for social needs (but he's an introvert, so that's hard for me to judge). A benefit of this break up is that my friends (locally and far away) have really stepped up to support me and I've been going out to do more things (where before my default would be to hang out with my boyfriend- especially on weeknights).

I'm trying to gauge what my weeknights in particular "should" look like, or do look like for other extroverts. When I'm alone I'll read, sit by the apartment pool, exercise, take walks, listen to podcast, watch Netflix, cook/bake, or clean and call people on the phone. When I do a hands on activity (like cook or clean) I feel the need to have Netflix or a podcast on so that I don't feel alone. Swimming laps is one of the few times that I'm truly quiet. I'd love to adopt a dog but that's just not feasible right now.

I read this, this and this past question. I think there's a fair amount of truth in the idea that I feel like I've failed if I'm alone. I'm working on that and taking some of the other suggestions to heart. On of my points of pride is that I'm a really good friend to people (and have heard that back from many of my friends.)

If it's important I'm 29, female and live in NC.

posted by raccoon409 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I'm an introvert, single and live alone. I prefer to be out 3-4 nights a week - volunteer meetings, dinner with friends, classes, etc. Sibgle extroverts I know might have lunch with friends and have several nights a week with 1-3 events per night.
posted by bunderful at 7:58 AM on May 30, 2017

I'm a chatty woman who likes to read, so I see myself as kind of on the border between extrovert and introvert. I got married young and wasn't energetic even at that age, so I like going out to dinner with friends (if I have enough money), but I never went out clubbing or even to bars.

I know you are going to get a wide range of answers. My guess about people you are meeting, is that for them a commitment to get together once a week is too much. I have three regular things that I do that are once a month. (One of them is book club.) And some semi-regular things and just calling up friends and getting lunch or going shopping or doing our crafty thing together.

I have a kind, but introverted husband, who is getting better about replying to my bids for conversation, especially if I tap him on the shoulder or kiss the top of his head. But sometimes I don't get as much human interaction as I would like. And the fact that he finds it gratifying to play vidoegames for hours is part of the issue. But he understands my feelings. When I really need attention, sometimes 20 minutes is enough.
posted by puddledork at 8:20 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]

I sort of straddle the boundaries between extrovert and introvert, but I end up being out a minimum of 3 times a week and a minimum of once a weekend. 2 of those weekday-evening outings are an exercise class which doesn't really count as socialising but it is time spent away from home, and the remaining outings are all social engagements. This is less than I would prefer, but with increased demands on my time, this is what I am stuck with and have to make work.

I do have weeks where I go out more than this minimum and while it's always fun to see friends, it does leave me feeling kind of off-kilter if I don't get enough time to unwind in the week and also is bad for my bank balance.
posted by Ziggy500 at 8:26 AM on May 30, 2017

Sounds like I'm pretty similar to puddledork and I agree once a week is probably a lot. I generally see any given friend every two weeks to a month, though I do go out a lot of nights for dinner, drinks, or a walk, either by myself or with my boyfriend, who is not too chatty. I recommend leaving the house even if you don't meet up with anyone, if there are any bars or cafes where you can just hang out with a book. I feel antsy after too much time spent at home/with absolutely no one else around, and happier after getting out of the house even if I'm not directly socializing.
posted by ferret branca at 8:57 AM on May 30, 2017

I'm pretty far toward the extreme end of the extrovert spectrum and when I was single I'd usually enjoy being out 4-5 nights of each week, with varying kinds of "out" - sometimes volunteering, sometimes a board game night, sometimes a more boistrious party. This is a *lot* by any sane measure, and to keep it up I was basically shifting between 2 different social groups plus a couple of formal meetups plus online dating; it was in fact a serious logistical challenge but, like I said, I'm very extroverted and I get my "energy tank refilled," so to speak, by frequent interaction. I've been in a serious relationship for a few years now so I'm only out 2-3 nights a week, sometimes with my SO and sometimes not.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:05 AM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

I consider myself on the extrovert end of the extrovert scale, in my home there is always a radio talking in the background, since I like the sound of people.

I have a job that is fairly interactive, so I can usually float on that for a while, as well as having coffee with my colleagues a couple of times per week. I see my friends every 10-14 days or so, but on a rotating scale, so at least one per week. I also have a lot of organised and semi-organised activities where I meet people throughout the week; choir (music and people), Friday quiz-night (beer, people and nerdery) and hiking group (exercise and people) take at least three nights of my week. So usually I only have one or two nights per week where I have nothing planned, and then I hang out with my online friends.

I have also spent quite a lot of time abroad in a different language and culture, and later moving to a new place where I had no friends, and these things take time (years!), and longer the older you are. Where I usually find my friends are organised activities (for me usually music or sports related), this way you have a common interest with prospective friends, which makes it easier to actually become friends.

That said, I also find it is important to be able to be comfortable alone with yourself. You are not failed, you're just spending time wit the most interesting person you know. I find that I write a *lot* more when I'm not able to socialise as much as I want to, but it has also taught me that if I feel lonely, writing is a way of getting through it, if no one listens to me, I can at least pour out my thoughts on an online blog or similar.

Sometimes I do like ferret branca suggests, take my book to a cafe and hang out, listening to other people. Sometimes that is enough. And occasionally when I'm desperate I use Tinder.
posted by mummimamma at 2:41 PM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don't consider myself an extrovert really, but I spend about 8 hours a week with friends, and 8 hours volunteering. My job is very solitary so I need to push really hard to talk to people.
posted by miyabo at 5:02 PM on May 30, 2017

I only see really good friends one-on-one once a week. With new acquaintances or new friends, that would be way too much. On the other hand, I take music lessons and therefore see the same group of people 2x a week and that's fine because it's a much less intense form of contact: we chit chat before class or in the break, but I don't have to carry a conversation for an entire hour. Do you have time to join an adult education class of some kind?

Also, you might consider rethinking your refrain a bit about being alone, because the reality of being a single adult person is that you are going to be alone sometimes. It might be more helpful to change your self talk to something like: "I would like to make some good friends in my city" or something that is a bit more realistic.
posted by colfax at 4:44 AM on May 31, 2017

Im fairly introverted but I wouldnt mind seeing friends once a week if it didn't demand so much energy. My problem right now is that a couple of my friends want me to do all the work of getting together. Like I always have to drive over to their house, or if we go anywhere, I have to go pick them up and drive us both to wherever we're going, than drop them back off afterward. I usually pick up the tab if we eat out, and I only get to do about 30% of the talking because they always want to talk about whats going on in their life. So its exhausting and expensive to spend time with them, which leads me to cutting WAY back on how often I'm available to get together.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:04 PM on May 31, 2017

Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your responses (though I'd still appreciate more!)

Somehow I had gotten it in my head that people don't really hang out during the work week (I'm not sure how this idea came about to me, though I'm also not in a location where after work happy hours are convient). This has really helped me recalibrate my expectations and push me to do more things during the week (I'm pretty good about weekends).
posted by raccoon409 at 6:50 PM on May 31, 2017