Friendship breakdowns and fallouts
January 6, 2013 9:22 AM Subscribe
I am upset at a (once) close friend, how do I work out the anger on my own and get past it?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I was very, very close with this person for well over a decade. She called me her best friend. One day, she started blowing me off. After months of this, I asked her if I had done anything wrong. She said that she had been a bad friend, but that she started to feel like she didn't want to be responsible for me, and that she felt pressure from the "best friend" label (which I never instigated as I don't really understand it). Part of the not wanting to be "responsible" for me thing was due to a tendency I have not to want to miss out on things, which I acknowledge, but that worsened a little after my LTR dissolved. Rather than understanding, or at least a conversation that she was getting frustrated, she blew me off without explanation until I approached her.
Anyway, she apologised and left. I always take a bit of time to process things, and the more I processed, the angrier I got. I am upset because after so many years of friendship, she didn't feel I was worth a conversation instead of blowing me off (particularly as she has done this to others. I guess I was more hurt because I thought I was somehow immune to it). I am upset because when I was a bit of work to her she blew me off, I was completely present when her LTR blew up a year earlier (please note, I was not considered "work" to others, and do have wonderfully loyal friends). I am upset because mutual friends will say "yeah, she does do that sometimes" and I feel on the outer (this pertains to the "missing out" feeling which I am working on pretty successfully and is my own problem I know). I am upset because after she apologised she continued to blow me off just as much as ever.
I know her and her past history well enough to know that if called out on it, she will retreat further. So I resolved to wait for her to come around, and understood she was also dealing with some of her own life drama. But now I realise there's no point in waiting, so I stopped. I do not seek her out anymore, and mutual gatherings are generally so well populated our paths don't cross. Things are mostly fine. But I am left with these feelings of anger I don't know what to do with or how to dispel by myself. I don't want to involve others, and I don't think another conversation will help anyone, unless she approaches me this time or something. I want to know how to let go of this, and perhaps understand why I am so particularly upset by it.
Anon due to mutual pals being on mefi.
Um, please don't pile on me.