How do I prepare for an emotional anniversary?
May 11, 2017 5:30 PM Subscribe
Coming up on the 1 year anniversary of a painful event for me. I lost a dear friend, and fell into some really, really shitty mental and physical health issues. I know that day I will be sensitive and prone to hurting/mental distress. What can I do to stay healthy and positive?
If you've read my posts in the past, you probably know that the last year was really shitty for me. I'm doing much better, but I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the event that really...sort of marked my decline for a solid year there and made me profoundly suicidal for several months.
I already plan on taking the day off from work (I freelance, so thats not an issue). I've also contacted several friends to see if we could do phone chats, or silly movie nights that day. After much searching, debating and planning, I am also going to try and adopt a cat around that time. The day after this, I have a meeting scheduled with my therapist.
For all the progress I've made, I kind of have this fear that I'll start sliding back into depression. I still deeply miss this friend and wish we could make amends (though, I have NO intent to contact her, so please don't bring that up). Right now, I'm just trying to move forward and be healthy, and while I'm doing better, I can see that that day might be a bit of a stumbling block.
What are some healthy ways I can take care of myself during this time? Once the day is over, I think I will be fine, but I have this palpable dread that I'll start slipping back into severe depression and mental illness after that. What have you guys done in the past that has helped you?
Also, due to a car accident, I can't really drink and have difficulty reading for extended periods of time. Please do not suggest alcohol or drug use, and know that, while usually I'd try to zone out with a book...that's really only something I can handle for about an hour or two now.
Peace guys! And much love! You guys are so helpful and thoughtful and I'd like to thank you for any advice before hand. :)
If you've read my posts in the past, you probably know that the last year was really shitty for me. I'm doing much better, but I'm coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the event that really...sort of marked my decline for a solid year there and made me profoundly suicidal for several months.
I already plan on taking the day off from work (I freelance, so thats not an issue). I've also contacted several friends to see if we could do phone chats, or silly movie nights that day. After much searching, debating and planning, I am also going to try and adopt a cat around that time. The day after this, I have a meeting scheduled with my therapist.
For all the progress I've made, I kind of have this fear that I'll start sliding back into depression. I still deeply miss this friend and wish we could make amends (though, I have NO intent to contact her, so please don't bring that up). Right now, I'm just trying to move forward and be healthy, and while I'm doing better, I can see that that day might be a bit of a stumbling block.
What are some healthy ways I can take care of myself during this time? Once the day is over, I think I will be fine, but I have this palpable dread that I'll start slipping back into severe depression and mental illness after that. What have you guys done in the past that has helped you?
Also, due to a car accident, I can't really drink and have difficulty reading for extended periods of time. Please do not suggest alcohol or drug use, and know that, while usually I'd try to zone out with a book...that's really only something I can handle for about an hour or two now.
Peace guys! And much love! You guys are so helpful and thoughtful and I'd like to thank you for any advice before hand. :)
An art gallery would be good.
I did that on a traumatic anniversary date. It was a great help.
posted by jgirl at 6:22 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
I did that on a traumatic anniversary date. It was a great help.
posted by jgirl at 6:22 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Let yourself make loose plans: maybe you want to go somewhere for a treat, like outdoors or a museum. Maybe pick a place you would have liked to go with your friend who passed, or with another friend. Get something nice to eat. Indulge a bit, like maybe a sweet or something. If you can make plans with other people, do that - it can be a really helpful distraction.
If you have a hobby you like, take some time to do it.
If you want and things work out this way, spend the day adopting or hanging out with your new kitty. Get them from the shelter, shop, get set up, and focus your day on moving forward and letting a new love into your life. Having a friend along for this could be good too, wrangling a new cat is not always the easiest.
Good luck!
posted by bile and syntax at 6:53 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you have a hobby you like, take some time to do it.
If you want and things work out this way, spend the day adopting or hanging out with your new kitty. Get them from the shelter, shop, get set up, and focus your day on moving forward and letting a new love into your life. Having a friend along for this could be good too, wrangling a new cat is not always the easiest.
Good luck!
posted by bile and syntax at 6:53 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Allow me to be bold: I think you're giving this day the wrong meaning.
There is a huge contradiction at the heart of your question: on the one hand, you are approaching a day that almost represents a return, in time, to the traumatic loss of your friend. You are therefore worried about depression and a slide back in mental health, as if you're going to go back to where it all went wrong; as if time is a circle (it isn't).
AND YET...
You also say that you've made progress, that you're trying to move forward and be healthy. You have clearly developed resilience this year. You have found strength in difficult times, and you have built up the muscles of recovery. This anniversary represents a vital milestone in your RECOVERY, and it is a time not to regress but to CELEBRATE!!!
We all have an emotional home, a place we return to because it is comfortable and familiar even when it hurts us. In the past your emotional home has been depression, which has given you certainty even though it has driven you to the edge of suicide. In your question there is a tension between wanting to move on and the feeling that you need to return to your emotional home where it is painful but safe. This anniversary is a golden opportunity to refuse to return to the depression, and to continue building the beautiful new emotional home that you have already started constructing.
What do I think you should do on the day?
CELEBRATE!!! In a totally unselfconscious, hands-in-the-air-like-you-just-don't-care, f*** the past, f*** the pain sort of way.
Get some songs about forward momentum and play them at top volume. I really love Unique II's 'Break My Stride':
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, oh no, I've got to keep on moving'
...and the Gossip's 'Move in the Right Direction'...
One step closer and feeling fine
Getting better one day at a time
I'm moving forward it's all in my mind
I'm heading talk with a new stay to mine
So I hold back tears
Move in the right direction
Face my fears
Move in the right direction
Dance like nobody is watching and smile for no reason. Think back to all those moments over the last year when you felt your strength returning, and revel in them.
If I were you, and would start a new ritual on the anniversary: CELEBRATION OF PROGRESS TIME!!! Look in the mirror for ten minutes every morning, smile, play those two songs and remind yourself that you were suicidal...
BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP!!!
You were hurt...
BUT YOU KEPT GOING!!!
You lost your health...
BUT YOU FOUGHT TO GET IT BACK!!!
Don't curl into a ball and mourn, you have a whole year of forward momentum to be proud of and to build on.
One more aphorism for you: 'Where attention goes, energy goes'. If you make this day about the past, you will go back there without question. If you make the anniversary about the future, you will keep going forward. Your life will get better and better - I can say this with confidence because your question shows it's already happening.
I don't know why, but I've got a funny feeling that in a year's time you'll look back on this anniversary as a time you took a huge step forward in your recovery by changing your focus. Good luck, I hope at some point in the future you will update us all on your incredible progress!
posted by matthew.alexander at 1:09 AM on May 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
There is a huge contradiction at the heart of your question: on the one hand, you are approaching a day that almost represents a return, in time, to the traumatic loss of your friend. You are therefore worried about depression and a slide back in mental health, as if you're going to go back to where it all went wrong; as if time is a circle (it isn't).
AND YET...
You also say that you've made progress, that you're trying to move forward and be healthy. You have clearly developed resilience this year. You have found strength in difficult times, and you have built up the muscles of recovery. This anniversary represents a vital milestone in your RECOVERY, and it is a time not to regress but to CELEBRATE!!!
We all have an emotional home, a place we return to because it is comfortable and familiar even when it hurts us. In the past your emotional home has been depression, which has given you certainty even though it has driven you to the edge of suicide. In your question there is a tension between wanting to move on and the feeling that you need to return to your emotional home where it is painful but safe. This anniversary is a golden opportunity to refuse to return to the depression, and to continue building the beautiful new emotional home that you have already started constructing.
What do I think you should do on the day?
CELEBRATE!!! In a totally unselfconscious, hands-in-the-air-like-you-just-don't-care, f*** the past, f*** the pain sort of way.
Get some songs about forward momentum and play them at top volume. I really love Unique II's 'Break My Stride':
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, oh no, I've got to keep on moving'
...and the Gossip's 'Move in the Right Direction'...
One step closer and feeling fine
Getting better one day at a time
I'm moving forward it's all in my mind
I'm heading talk with a new stay to mine
So I hold back tears
Move in the right direction
Face my fears
Move in the right direction
Dance like nobody is watching and smile for no reason. Think back to all those moments over the last year when you felt your strength returning, and revel in them.
If I were you, and would start a new ritual on the anniversary: CELEBRATION OF PROGRESS TIME!!! Look in the mirror for ten minutes every morning, smile, play those two songs and remind yourself that you were suicidal...
BUT YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP!!!
You were hurt...
BUT YOU KEPT GOING!!!
You lost your health...
BUT YOU FOUGHT TO GET IT BACK!!!
Don't curl into a ball and mourn, you have a whole year of forward momentum to be proud of and to build on.
One more aphorism for you: 'Where attention goes, energy goes'. If you make this day about the past, you will go back there without question. If you make the anniversary about the future, you will keep going forward. Your life will get better and better - I can say this with confidence because your question shows it's already happening.
I don't know why, but I've got a funny feeling that in a year's time you'll look back on this anniversary as a time you took a huge step forward in your recovery by changing your focus. Good luck, I hope at some point in the future you will update us all on your incredible progress!
posted by matthew.alexander at 1:09 AM on May 12, 2017 [5 favorites]
I am sorry for your loss.
I agree with matthew.alexander above -- celebrate the ongoing impact that your friend has had with you and others. All we leave behind are memories, both good and not-so-good. Embrace that energy and let the pain of letting go and the joy of having shared a life with someone propel you forward. This person made you a better human being! That's wonderful! Good on your friend! Please, pass that energy on, because we all need someone who can do that for us, in all the seemingly insignificant ways.
For celebration... get out of your own head. Spend some time with others that share the same memories, but have an exit strategy for moments when you need a breather. It's okay to do self-care. Don't let someone else's down feelings seep under your skin. Own your own pain. Don't feel obligated to own someone else's.
How you celebrate / grieve is your business. Don't hurt yourself and don't hurt others -- that's the deal. Beyond that, it's what works for you.
Checking in with a professional for guidance -- excellent strategy.
I'd hold off on adopting a pet at this time, since that can be a stressful area. Sometimes adding a pet to your household has its own anxiety-producing drama. Do your friends have pets that you can "borrow" for a week? No obligations, just good scritches and snuggles. Later, when you've processed your reactions to this time in your life, go for it as a new chapter.
This is a process, not a day. Take it one step at a time, and trust your better instincts. Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 2:15 AM on May 12, 2017
I agree with matthew.alexander above -- celebrate the ongoing impact that your friend has had with you and others. All we leave behind are memories, both good and not-so-good. Embrace that energy and let the pain of letting go and the joy of having shared a life with someone propel you forward. This person made you a better human being! That's wonderful! Good on your friend! Please, pass that energy on, because we all need someone who can do that for us, in all the seemingly insignificant ways.
For celebration... get out of your own head. Spend some time with others that share the same memories, but have an exit strategy for moments when you need a breather. It's okay to do self-care. Don't let someone else's down feelings seep under your skin. Own your own pain. Don't feel obligated to own someone else's.
How you celebrate / grieve is your business. Don't hurt yourself and don't hurt others -- that's the deal. Beyond that, it's what works for you.
Checking in with a professional for guidance -- excellent strategy.
I'd hold off on adopting a pet at this time, since that can be a stressful area. Sometimes adding a pet to your household has its own anxiety-producing drama. Do your friends have pets that you can "borrow" for a week? No obligations, just good scritches and snuggles. Later, when you've processed your reactions to this time in your life, go for it as a new chapter.
This is a process, not a day. Take it one step at a time, and trust your better instincts. Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 2:15 AM on May 12, 2017
I suggest talking to your therapist about your fear that this anniversary may cause you to relapse into depression. Before the anniversary day.
It's true that anniversaries can be powerful. However they don't usually carry all of the impact of the original event. With all the progress you've made I think it's reasonable to expect that you might have a bit of a dip ... but not a free-fall off a cliff. In short, I believe your fears to be unfounded though I can see where they come from.
Your plans to spend time with friends are good. Take care of yourself and get regular sleep, water and exercise. Maybe go and do something new - a paper mache workshop or a snowboarding class. Maybe write a letter to your friend acknowledging what they meant to you and then tearing it up or disposing of it in some ritualistic manner.
Good luck to you.
posted by bunderful at 5:41 AM on May 12, 2017
It's true that anniversaries can be powerful. However they don't usually carry all of the impact of the original event. With all the progress you've made I think it's reasonable to expect that you might have a bit of a dip ... but not a free-fall off a cliff. In short, I believe your fears to be unfounded though I can see where they come from.
Your plans to spend time with friends are good. Take care of yourself and get regular sleep, water and exercise. Maybe go and do something new - a paper mache workshop or a snowboarding class. Maybe write a letter to your friend acknowledging what they meant to you and then tearing it up or disposing of it in some ritualistic manner.
Good luck to you.
posted by bunderful at 5:41 AM on May 12, 2017
So, late January/early February every year has become the time that I mourn several traumatic events that sort of all culminated at the same time. I allow myself to honor the painful things that happened, but I also always do something that is just for me, in terms of "taking it back." I am taking that time back. It is mine. Grief does not get to steal anything else from me. For me, for two years running, this has meant that I take some kind of solo trip.
I think that it's important, for me anyway, to honor the pain and bullshit that I endured. You may feel the same way. But then, after you do that in whatever way you want, feel free to get out there and live life to pieces for that day. Adopt your cat, see a movie, howl at the moon. You're ALIVE, you've survived, and you are more than the things that have happened.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:47 AM on May 12, 2017
I think that it's important, for me anyway, to honor the pain and bullshit that I endured. You may feel the same way. But then, after you do that in whatever way you want, feel free to get out there and live life to pieces for that day. Adopt your cat, see a movie, howl at the moon. You're ALIVE, you've survived, and you are more than the things that have happened.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:47 AM on May 12, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Do you have a friend that would meet you for lunch or tea? In person, rather than phone, could be extra nice right now.
Art can be full of solace for some people. What about treating yourself to a museum visit?
A massage or a nice mani-pedi can be a good way to treat yourself with a little self-care.
posted by brookeb at 6:01 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]