What I’m trying to figure out now is how to trust people again, trust myself again, and find myself/my voice again.
I am 40 years old and for the majority of my life I’ve lived a good life, I’ve been confident in myself and my understanding of the world. I’ve been well respected by myself, my peers, my partners, my friends. I’ve rarely had interpersonal conflicts that were not resolved or have I had any major depression, anxiety, self-esteem problems, or problems building relationships and keeping relationships. Until now, I have loved many people in many ways, and felt very loved and well regarded by many people in many ways. I’ve had a very nice life, and right now I feel like I am fighting so hard to get that back, but I am in need of help learning how to trust again, both other people and myself.
If you read my previous post
, you will see that I had a rather public and sudden falling out with a friend which will not be resolved, nor do I have any understanding of why it occurred. Again, like before, I am not trying to figure out why it occurred, it’s a futile effort. What I’m trying to figure out now is how to trust people again, trust myself again, and find myself/my voice again.
The situation in the previous post hit me like a truck and I didn’t at all see it coming. And now examining myself and my reaction I am realizing that I am having a hard time trusting myself and my own judgment. I find myself thinking, if I could have been so wrong about this person, I could be wrong about many other things. How does one build that, particularly when they’ve never had a hard time building it before? For me it was always a given, I’ve always been a strong willed person who trusted myself and liked myself.
The gossipy aftermath, and other circumstances has left me somewhat isolated. In the previous post, the discussion of feeling stigmatized was brought up. And this is true, I do feel stigmatized and anxiety, and therefore have pulled away from most people. However, I do find myself missing people and missing community, and therefore I hang out with people one-on-one. However, even when I’m one-on-one with people, I hold back so much of my personality because I’m scared and I have a hard time letting people in now. I have always been a silly, fun, smart person, who likes to both work hard and have fun. But when I’m with people, I’m so tight-lipped that I feel like they barely see “me”. How do I let people back in? How do I let me be me again? How do I regain trust in people and myself?
You all were so helpful last time I asked a question, thank you so much in advanced, I really appreciate all of your advice.