Remembering that I'm grateful and happy

April 11, 2017 9:04 PM

I just started a new job at a great company and moved to a place with more friends, all sorts of good and great things, and I have felt really quite happy and thrilled by how good things are vs. the truly meh/sucky/over-worked-ness/long-commute of before. How do I keep this feeling of gratefulness and happiness alive? I can already feel like the "day to day" is making me adjust to this new normal, and little annoyances are starting to get me down.

Appreciate any and only ideas. I know that at some point my job will feel like a *job* rather than a paid vacation, and that I'll get used to this amount of space in my rental, but I'd like to figure out ways to keep that "yay life is great" feeling alive that I had when I first made these changes. B/c well, it's great, if I can only keep that perspective on things.

So, Metafilter -- how do I keep this feeling of gratefulness and happiness alive? What do you find works for you? Especially if you also want to keep the perspective (maybe?) of the mucky muck of where you been to contrast with the current pleasantness?

posted by ellerhodes to Grab Bag (17 answers total)

Best answer: This process is called hedonic adaptation. One thing that helps counter it is gratitude journaling (see the link for some relevant studies). Another is negative visualization, which is rooted in classical Stoic practice:

[The Stoics] recommended that we spend time imagining that we have lost the things we value—that our wife has left us, our car was stolen, or we lost our job. Doing this, the Stoics thought, will make us value our wife, our car, and our job more than we otherwise would. This technique—let us refer to it as negative visualization—was employed by the Stoics at least as far back as Chrysippus. It is, I think, the single most valuable technique in the Stoics' psychological tool kit.

Seneca describes the negative visualization technique in the consolation he wrote to Marcia, a woman who, three years after the death of her son, was as grief-stricken as on the day she buried him. In this consolation, besides telling Marcia how to overcome her current grief, Seneca offers advice on how she can avoid falling victim to such grief in the future: What she needs to do is anticipate the events that can cause her to grieve. In particular, he says, she should remember that all we have is “on loan” from Fortune, which can reclaim it without our permission—indeed, without even advance notice. Thus, “we should love all our dear ones…, but always with the thought that we have no promise that we may keep them forever—nay, no promise even that we may keep them for long.”

…

To see how imagining the death of a child can make us appreciate her, consider two fathers. The first takes [this] advice to heart and periodically reflects on his child's mortality. The second refuses to entertain such gloomy thoughts. He instead assumes that his child will outlive him and that she will always be around for him to enjoy. The first father will almost certainly be more attentive and loving than the second. When he sees his daughter first thing in the morning, he will be glad that she is still a part of his life, and during the day he will take full advantage of opportunities to interact with her. The second father, in contrast, will be unlikely to experience a rush of delight on encountering his child in the morning. Indeed, he might not even look up from the newspaper to acknowledge her presence in the room.

posted by aw_yiss at 9:25 PM on April 11, 2017 [21 favorites]

I think the key is to be emotionally honest about the irritations, and then learn and release it. One of the traps that caught me in a terrible rumination cycle that ended up in me self-punishing myself for how lucky I was, was that it is FINE to be upset about what is going on in your life, even if it is silly and petty. Say it out loud to yourself even, or to a friend.

It is totally okay, do express, do vent about it. But also do remember to talk actively and be really appreciative for what you do have, maybe even saying three times as many of the positive things around it. But absolutely do not try to push away your irritations.
posted by yueliang at 9:41 PM on April 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

This rainbow book is a cute way to do a gratitude journal to record what you are appreciate now and then be able to look at on it and recall the feelings.
posted by metahawk at 10:58 PM on April 11, 2017

Right around the election I felt the need to remind myself that there are good things happening in my world. I started consciously thinking of three things that I was grateful for at the end of every day. Sometimes they're big, sometimes small. I don't write them down, but it's become a nice end of day tradition and really does help me recognize and appreciate the good things in my life.
posted by bookmammal at 3:55 AM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Being mindful of the positive stuff and not jut the negative stuff. I think our brains tend to worry more about the negative stuff -- which makes sense, given we often need to do something about the negative stuff -- so it often takes some conscious effort to pay attention to the positive stuff. Gratitude is definitely a practice that can help. I did Loving-kindess meditations for a while and found them enormously helpful, and while I want go back and do them more formally, what I do now that I also find helpful is take a few breaths into my heart and imagine it expanding with love and compassion, generally when I either notice a small moment that I want to cherish or when I see someone really struggling (I'm a therapist, so this probably happens more often in my day than in most people's). It helps me stay connected to myself and others in real ways, rather than just get caught up in my inner hamster wheel of anxiety and obligation.
posted by lazuli at 7:07 AM on April 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

Avoid people who are negative all the time. I find that even listening neutrally to people who do nothing but complain can affect how I view things that made me happy.
posted by winna at 7:16 AM on April 12, 2017

Best answer: I read Lyubomirsky's The How of Happiness for a course, and it had some specific activities for some of the strategies she recommends. It's been a while since I read it, but I think the activities including keeping a journal, writing letters, and making lists.
posted by amarynth at 7:29 AM on April 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

Along these lines, I was advised to read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (a significant work in the realm of cognitive behavior therapy). I never got very far in the book and can't personally vouch for it.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 9:32 AM on April 12, 2017

Best answer: Do you have a picture of yourself at your old job or in your old city? Put it somewhere you can look at it everyday to remind yourself of how far you've come.
posted by ilovewinter at 10:02 AM on April 12, 2017

There are guided meditation apps that can help with this.
posted by marguerite at 10:20 AM on April 12, 2017

Best answer: This is a such a great question; good on you for asking it.

Especially if you also want to keep the perspective (maybe?) of the mucky muck of where you been to contrast with the current pleasantness?

I fully endorse this attitude, personally. Within the last few years, my husband and I moved to a new home from a meh one in a steadily deteriorating neighborhood that had been making us progressively miserable for nine years, and, after years of scraping and layoffs, into kick-ass new jobs where we both feel we're FINALLY making big leaps forward in our careers while earning salaries to match. And we talk ALL THE TIME about how much our new life rocks compared to what we were living before. I mean, we weren't living a bad life before by any means, but our new one is just SUCH a better and happier match for us in every way, I can easily picture us being just as enthusiastic 20 years from now even after we've grown well-accustomed to the same house, same neighborhood, same walks, etc. So the sheen may not wear off as quickly as you anticipate.

I'm not much for written gratitude practice, it feels too forced and too hokey to me even though I fully acknowledge the usefulness of it, but literally single day my husband and I will remark to each other how fantastic our neighbors are, or how beautiful the nearby lake looks, or how nice it is to have friends within walking distance, or (conversely) how the novelty of not having any $#@%&ing TRASH in our yard still hasn't gone away, or how peaceful last night was without the goddamn college kids playing bongos on their front porch at midnight, or how we now have the spare cash to outsource some shitty chores we both hate. Driving past former workplaces always prompts similar reminiscences and sighs of relief at how much nicer things are now. So I guess my suggestion is: is there anyone in your life (partner, good friends, etc.) who can remember your old circumstances and will help you share in and rejoice with you about your new ones? Last weekend we were driving to brunch and everyone and their mom was out doing their spring yard cleanup and first mow of the season (a despised chore we finally outsourced last summer) and we turned to each other and said at the same time, "Haha, remember when that used to be us?"

Congratulations on your new job and abode!
posted by anderjen at 10:51 AM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

A variation on written gratitude practice is a photographic (or simply visual) one. On my way into the day, I seek out three things that directly delight me or serve as cues to delightful elements of my day. If you like taking pictures, do that--you can make a "hey! Good life! Album to refer to when feeling trapped.
posted by Jesse the K at 3:57 PM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

As soon as you wake up, list ten things you are grateful for. During the day, say something really nice to at least two people. Give a dollar or two to someone who needs it. Strike up a conversation with someone you see regularly but don't often talk to (bus driver, someone waiting in line for coffee with you, etc).

If you reinforce your happiness with kindness, your affluence with generosity, and your gratitude with connection, I promise you it will last.
posted by ananci at 6:04 PM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

Remember how excited you were when you first realized your life would soon be better. The times you drove past your new building, the excited plans. Then think, "And now I'm here. I made it!"
posted by serena15221 at 7:44 PM on April 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

I need reminders of such things, too. i use post-it notes all over my walls and monitor. A simple one might read, "Keep the Joy." Mine that I use to remind myself to remember the joy in all things is a poster I made myself, 5' wide and about 2.5' tall that simply says "Ananda," which means "that joy in existence without which the universe will fall apart and collapse." (It resonated with me when I read it as a child.)
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 5:26 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

If you're at all into woo-ish stuff, you might also sign up for Notes from the Universe emails (they're free). I sometimes find them annoying, but most often it's nice to wake up with an inspirational sassy-ish "You are totally living your dream life!" email.
posted by lazuli at 7:24 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks everyone! This is really encouraging. I found Writeaday on the Android play store to use as a little mini gratitude journal to help get this habit going.
posted by ellerhodes at 7:15 PM on April 13, 2017