Help a hapless speed dater

March 27, 2017 5:41 AM

I went speed dating for the first time this past Tuesday (3/21). There were 6 women and 5 men. I got the email on Thursday that I matched with one man - the only information the company gave me was his first name and his email, so I sent him an email that afternoon (3/23). I haven't heard anything back. Do I let it go, or do I try to email again?

A bit more details: I'm female, 29 this week, never dated at all (ever. like, not even once. No smooches, no sexytimes. Mostly because it didn't matter much to me, if anyone ever pursued me, they didn't make it clear to me that they were interested, so I wasn't aware, and I never met anyone that I wanted to pursue.) As I'm getting older, I'm suddenly realizing that I don't want to be alone, I want to get married and have kids one day. And the longer it goes without any of these things makes me blowing it up into a MUCH bigger deal than it probably is. And I get very embarrassed about the situation and don't like talking about it.

I've tried online dating a little bit, but honestly the format gives me hella anxiety - I end up ghosting on messaging even if its someone I'm interested in, or just freaking out and deleting my profile. I've pretty much decided that the format just doesn't work for me. Complicating things, I'm not much of a bar person, and many of my hobbies tend to skew to the demographic of women and gay men, so I don't meet too many single straight men.

This is relevant, because I'm totally out of my depth and have no idea how to behave! The guy I met at speed dating was interesting (he was the only one I picked) and he lives in the same town that I work in. We seemed to get a long well, though it's difficult to tell in a six minute meeting. I was pleased (and terrified, of course) when he picked me back. (I do not know how many people he picked and/or matched with from the event.) In case it's relevant, I believe he's 32.

Long story short, I send him an email that I thought was pretty normal, and now....radio silence. I did google him, because his email address includes his last name, and I was curious. So now I'm trying hard not to over think things. I'm not upset, necessarily, more annoyed, and kind of anxious. (I have some anxiety issues, I'm working on them.)

I figured it boils down to :

a) let it go - if he ever emails me, great, if not, get over it
b) reach out again, one more time - maybe wait a full week?
c) try to contact him by alternate means, because maybe it went to his spam? (although he too should have been contacted by the speed dating company and given my contact information, so even if my email went to his spam, he could have reached out to me, as well)
d) other? something that I'm not thinking of?

I'm assuming the answer is A. But just in case it's not, I thought I'd spend my question on it.

(I guess, basically, my concern is this - I did like him, there's not much speed dating in my neck of the woods and the next event for my age range is in mid-may, and I feel like I've wasted many years and want to start this dating thing NOW.)

Please talk some sense in to me so that I don't come off like a crazy person. Thanks, mefites! <3

(throwaway: [e-mail])

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Presumably the company would have provided your match your contact information as well. I think you've done your due diligence in reaching out - at this point, anything more is unnecessary on the premise of "if he's interested, he'll get in touch."
posted by Karaage at 5:55 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

You could send one more email, but then you'd have to leave it. The first one may have missed him just out of busy-ness, but two messages is the limit.

You could try taking a comunity college class. That's been a good way to meet people in my experience-- you're trapped in a location and automatically have something to talk about.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:13 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

You did your part. He'll contact you or he won't. Ball is in his court now. Don't worry about it and don't contact him again. He got two messages - one from the dating site, one from you - he has all he needs to make contact with you if he wants to.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:37 AM on March 27, 2017 [7 favorites]

Yes, the answer is A. One thing about dating is that it's like a funnel -- outside the funnel is all the possible partners in the world, at the top (biggest part) is the people you make connect with as potential dates (through friends, online, speed dating, etc.), then below that are the people you'll have coffee with but not dinner, then below that are the dinner dates, and so on, until at the end you have a partner of your choice. Don't get hung up if this person doesn't respond to you -- keep looking for more people for your funnel!

Also, did you check your spam email box?
posted by OrangeDisk at 6:51 AM on March 27, 2017 [4 favorites]

Onwards and upwards. You did good with reaching out, that takes courage! At this point I would suggest you consider you've done your part, now move on. You did well going to this singles event, but why wait till May for the next speed dating event? There are plenty of options ranging from book groups to classes to meetup.com. Ride your current sense of urgency out, explore the other options available.

I've been rejected PLENTY of times and it sucks. I don't have any wise words about it getting easier. It is what it is; people have the right to reject you and you have the right, too.
posted by Ziggy500 at 7:16 AM on March 27, 2017

I’d message him again in a couple weeks, solely because there’s nothing to lose. He may have matched with all six women at the event and doesn’t have the headspace to deal with multiple people at once, so he’s chatting with one at a time. I’d give him some time to burn out on them and then remind him of you.

Have you asked your friends to set you up? Or at least made sure that all your friends and acquaintances know you’re looking? If you’ve spent a long time in “permanently single” mode, they might not think of you as a potential match for their awesome roommate…
posted by metasarah at 7:52 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm with everyone here. You maybe could email him once more, but if you do you'd be taking a risk of annoying him, i think.

One thing to keep in mind with dating is to not get too attached to any one person or result early on. With things like speed dating, online dating, and social events, many people are trying to connect woth as many folks as possible and then sort of whittle down. Chances are this fellow is meeting lots of women socially and just doesn't have the time to connect with everyone. I know it's hard, but i suggest you try the same- classes, meet up groups, and yes, online dating. I know that online dating can be awkward and frustrating, but if you are not regularly meeting available single men, it's probably the best way to get connected with a large number of those. After that, its a whittling process which many, including me, find uncomfortable, but if you can just stick with it a little,chances are you will meet some worthwhile people.
posted by bearette at 7:54 AM on March 27, 2017

If you decide to write to him after a week or two, or whatever, here's a handy phrase you can use if you want to just forward your original message:

"I just wanted to bring this to the top of your inbox – I know how busy life can get!"
posted by Dragonness at 8:00 AM on March 27, 2017

(I guess, basically, my concern is this - I did like him, there's not much speed dating in my neck of the woods and the next event for my age range is in mid-may, and I feel like I've wasted many years and want to start this dating thing NOW.)
I think it is completely normal to be feeling something between anxiety and terror when approaching dating for the first time. Gradually that feeling gets less acute - but the trick is to progressively expose yourself to the experience until you become habituated. Many people learn this when their are much younger - but it would be unreasonable of you to expect not to be affected just because you are older. In fact it can go the other way because "never dated anybody" can swell to become an issue in your own head that seems much more serious to you than to anybody else. I'd encourage you to consider talking to a professional about this - both to help tackle your anxiety issues now and to reflect on why dating and relationships have been something you have ignore in the past.

You need to think of ways in which you can widen your field of exposure: 5 guys on a speed dating night every couple of months is really not enough to give you a feeling of making up for lost time. Online dating will give you a much bigger set of possibilities, if you can manage to live with it. Or take some classes, etc as others have suggested - but do so with dating very much in mind as a goal - rather than as an act of wishful thinking. Likewise - actively look around you - the guy at work - the person waiting in line at a store.

Finally - there are skills to dating. I used to like an old BBC show called "Would Like to Meet" which dealt with exactly this issue - for example for Claire here. You probably won't be able to find a panel of reality TV advisors - but it is a time to consider friends who you can confide in and who could advice you.
posted by rongorongo at 8:37 AM on March 27, 2017 [2 favorites]

Email tends to fall through the cracks or be procrastinated indefinitely. No harm in emailing again in a week or so. After that though, move on.
posted by so fucking future at 9:54 AM on March 27, 2017

The answer is A, definitely. There actually IS the potential for harm in waiting a week or two to email him, and that harm is to you. If you're like me, you'll be thinking about it and giving it too much mental energy for that week or two, and then again after you email while you wait for a response. And then if he doesn't respond you'll be annoyed again and wonder why again, and then you'll have been worrying about it for a month. That's no fun. Move on now and pursue some of the great suggestions above. I also suggest exploring your anxiety surrounding online dating/Tinder, as that really is the #1 way people meet these days. Good luck!
posted by CheeseLouise at 12:49 PM on March 27, 2017

I'm in the camp with emailing him ONE more time. But after that, you can't email again...you'll just have to let it go if he doesn't answer. Maybe he matched with more than one person and you weren't the first to contact him...so he went out with the one who was? Maybe he's waiting to see if it will work before he contacts you? Anyway, bottom line, 2 emails. Period.
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 2:24 PM on March 27, 2017