How to handle speed dating rejection with class?

April 20, 2011 7:43 AM

How do you handle rejection from Speed Dating in a classy manly way? I received a rejection email from a woman and I feel like I should reply...see details below...

I attended a speed dating event last Sunday evening. I got my matches Monday and had about 6 of the girls say yes I had also said yes to. Shot a quick email off to them that evening and spoke with one on the phone last night. (Planning on more tonight) Today I received an email reply from "Allison" who was the one I was actually most interested in.

"Hey - Thanks for messaging me. I just wanted to give a quick message back to let you know that even though we matched, I dont think this is going to work. I have a few other potentials brewing and i dont want to waste anyone's time."

Not sure how, (or if), I should reply to this. Obviously I'm disappointed as I felt she held a lot of promise and it's pretty obvious that even though she said yes she's made me 2cd choice (or worse lol).

What's a good and classy way to reply, and possibly leave it open should some of her first choices turn out to be jerks.

-Pete

posted by PetiePal to society & culture (34 answers total)

Don't reply. At all. Walk away. It sucks, yes, but it's best to say nothing.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:45 AM on April 20, 2011 [7 favorites]

nd possibly leave it open should some of her first choices turn out to be jerks.

Do you -really- want to be second or third or nth choice? Dating isn't about getting scraps. Trust me, in the longrun you'll feel better about yourself.
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:46 AM on April 20, 2011 [5 favorites]

"Thanks for letting me know. Good luck!"
posted by amarynth at 7:47 AM on April 20, 2011 [42 favorites]

She's not interested. Move on.
posted by swngnmonk at 7:47 AM on April 20, 2011

No reason to prolong this interaction any longer than necessary. She's not interested.
posted by amicamentis at 7:47 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think you have to not reply. I went through a few kind responses in my head, but I think they can end up reading sarcastic - "Ok, thanks, good luck!" - unless you go totally overboard, and why even bother for someone you only met once.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:47 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Either don't reply, or write back with a quick "No worries -- thanks for letting me know." I don't think you can leave the door open without coming across as a bit desperate.
posted by cider at 7:48 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Hey, thanks for the heads up. It was a pleasure meeting you. If your circumstances change, feel free to contact me.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:48 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I don't know. If she initially said yes, she may just be feeling overwhelmed with too many potential dates at once. With that in mind, how about:
"Thanks for letting me know. Please feel free to drop a line in the future if the others don't pan out. Good luck!"
posted by Glinn at 7:50 AM on April 20, 2011

@Glinn that was my thinking. There were a LOT of men at this particular event-it was the largest I had ever been to with maybe 20 guys and about 18 girls. I figured if we both DID say yes there was at least some interest so a courteous reply like that couldn't hurt. Not desperate over here barely disappointed etc.
posted by PetiePal at 7:52 AM on April 20, 2011

Agreeing with the "Thanks-good luck!" responses.
posted by greta simone at 7:54 AM on April 20, 2011

You are agreeing with Glinn because s/he is the only person in this thread to tell you what you want to hear. Everyone else is telling you not to reply.

Saying 'drop me a line if it doesn't work out with the others' makes you sound desperate and pathetic. Those are REALLY unattractive features, it won't help you overcome the doubts she has about you. You met her at speed dating, so she already knows you're open to a relationship. Don't beat her over the head with it.

At most, your reply should be something like "thank for letting me know", and that's IT.
posted by Kololo at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I would send her a jpeg of a rose, and say that it was lovely to meet her, and good luck. Then forget about her and go onto the next.

Getting dates is like applying for a job. In the early stages, you can't take it personally.
posted by Danf at 8:02 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think you can wish someone well and say "Thank you for your consideration" without being desperate.

I may be unique in this, but I would be alone than feel as if I were someone's back-burner, runner-up, settle-for, fall-back contingency boyfriend. That frequency comes, in my experience, with someone who will always be looking for the next thing. It's not a healthy place, emotionally. So, don't offer it and don't put yourself there.
posted by adipocere at 8:04 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I would send her a jpeg of a rose

lol wtf?

Anyway, I wouldn't reply. You can send a courteous little "thanks for being up-front" reply if you really feel the need - but I think it's better to get her out of your headspace all together and focus on one of the other women who actually want to date you.
posted by Ted Maul at 8:10 AM on April 20, 2011 [9 favorites]

I agree with the above commenters who say that you should just let it go, at most saying thanks and good luck. I do want to chime in, though, to say I wholeheartedly disagree with Danf's suggestiong of "send her a jpeg of a rose." As a woman, I would find that extremely weird/creepy.
posted by jouir at 8:12 AM on April 20, 2011 [20 favorites]

Oh ye gods do not reply. Many years ago I was turned down in not-entirely-dissimilar circumstances, and I answered the text message with a missive that took three text messages to send. I tried to do what you are thinking of, and I tried to do it in an urbane and literate way, and sometimes even now I wake at night and think of how pathetic it must have seemed and I cringe and hug the duvet closer and pretend it never happened.
posted by StephenF at 8:15 AM on April 20, 2011 [19 favorites]

Lol I would never send a picture of a rose :P

It's not like I don't have other dates set up, and I know my self worth as a man so I'm not really as concerned as people are making it out to be. I'm not going to thank her for her consideration since there really wasn't any lol. If she initially said yes and couldn't follow through it is kinda of a waste of my time. I may just say Thanks for the heads up and good luck, polite but not overbearing.
posted by PetiePal at 8:16 AM on April 20, 2011

Do you -really- want to be second or third or nth choice?

Unless you married your grade-school girlfriend/boyfriend, you're probably a long way past "second or third" choice by now. If you wait around to be the only person someone has ever wanted, you're going to be waiting a long, long time. It's a pretty silly mindset to put oneself in.

--

I'd respond -- "Thanks for letting me know" type messages are good. My response wouldn't be predicated on keeping lines of communication open, though. Think of it more as a read receipt. Sending rejection emails sucks, and it could have been a seriously stressful thing and she'll probably be relieved to get a "no big deal" email.

The more you say about "if circumstances change" the more desperate you look, and I'm pretty sure she already knows that she has the option to contact you if she changes her mind. But don't count on that. She can already go out with you -- and these other guys -- all at the same time if she wants to, but she doesn't. Chances are that she cast a wide net in selecting her "matches" and ended up with a bit of buyer's remorse.
posted by toomuchpete at 8:17 AM on April 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I think Amarynth and JohnnyGunn have it right. Obviously, you like this girl, but for whatever reason, and it doesn't matter, she's made other priorities. The folks that say "just ignore it"... I understand where you're coming from, and why you would want to say *something*. If you say nothing, you're going to imagine that she thinks you're pouting or whatever about the whole thing.

I think for your own sake, if you want to write back, just keep it to what Johnny said. And yes, keep it friendly and business-like. (Just me, but whoever suggested sending a rose... that sets off the creepy alarms). paraphrase: "Hey, thanks for letting me know. Sorry things didn't work out, but it was lovely to meet you. Best of luck out there."
posted by indiebass at 8:20 AM on April 20, 2011

@Toomuch That was my thinking too...some of these women must have been a bit desperate themselves and checked off a little wide like you said. (In fact one of the women, Brook or something like was just like "put my name down even if we're just friends" and I said no to her even though she was pretty. It was a speed dating event, not a let's make friends event LOL.

Honestly my mentality is "Too bad, (for you lol not me) but not in a cocky arrogant way you know? I think I'm a pretty awesome catch just wanted to be polite.
posted by PetiePal at 8:21 AM on April 20, 2011

On posting (urgh... learn "preview" Indiebass!) toomuchpete has the right idea. If you're sending something, it is just a "read receipt" to let her know you saw her message, and to close the loop on the whole thing.
posted by indiebass at 8:23 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

I like it Indiebass...I may just do that.
posted by PetiePal at 8:23 AM on April 20, 2011

Alright...I settled on

Allison,

Hey, thanks for letting me know. It was lovely to meet you. Best of luck out there.

-Pete

DONE, DONE ON TO THE NEXT ONE. Thanks everyone.
posted by PetiePal at 8:29 AM on April 20, 2011 [13 favorites]

That's perfect. And if she does change her mind later on, she already knows how to contact you. Of course, you'll probably be dating someone wonderful by then!
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:02 AM on April 20, 2011

That response is great if there wasn't the potential that you guys could be awesome together. I am glad I didn't give up on my wife. How long was your speedate? At least say something like:

"Thanks for your note. I don't want to waste anyone else's time either. I can say this, you were the most intriguing person I met that night. All the best"
posted by jasondigitized at 10:51 AM on April 20, 2011 [1 favorite]

Speed date was 7 minutes. Longer than ones I've been on where it's 4. It was a good amount of time and we clicked pretty well, it was a shame she got divebombed by all the other guys apparently.
posted by PetiePal at 11:03 AM on April 20, 2011

I was going to chime in with what most people said. PetiePal, I think your response was perfect and a nice way to close it all up.

I would send her a jpeg of a rose

God I hope that was a joke because that's just creeeeeeeeeeepy or just flat out lame. That's pretty much on par with anonymous banjo. Glad the OP didn't take that one to heart.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:32 PM on April 20, 2011

Even though this is all settled (and to my satisfaction, too), I just need to say, for anyone reading this in the future:

Do not ever send a person a jpeg of a rose.
posted by thebazilist at 2:38 PM on April 20, 2011 [3 favorites]

I've sent notes like the one you received. I think the quick "thanks for letting me know, good luck" is perfect. I personally would be a little turned off by anything suggesting I contact them if things didn't work out with the other dates.

I've also received, weeks or months later, emails from guys asking if my situation has changed or if I felt like getting together. I'm never offended by these emails but also I rarely answer them-mostly just because my life has moved on. I don't hold it against the guy for trying again, and there was one guy that I did get together with, though in the end it didn't work out.
posted by newpotato at 2:50 PM on April 20, 2011

Why would you send a JPG of a rose? Send a PNG of a rose, instead.
posted by speedgraphic at 2:51 PM on April 20, 2011 [4 favorites]

Do not ever send a person a jpeg of a rose.

Even worse than that? An ASCII-art long-stemmed rose. Don't even ask about the one I once got, on Valentine's day to boot.
posted by tangerine at 2:58 PM on April 20, 2011 [2 favorites]

I'm thinking about the person I know most likely to send a jpeg of a rose. He also owns a leather hat and wears waistcoats pretty much every day.

tangerine: was it @}}>---- ?
posted by mippy at 3:04 PM on April 20, 2011

now, as long as she doesn't ever google that note, you're fine. :)
posted by canine epigram at 6:53 PM on April 20, 2011