Grappling with mental illness and self-hatred.
August 19, 2016 1:46 AM Subscribe
Recent bipolar diagnosis and some confusion about what I'm doing and how to manage or even it's at all possible.
Recently diagnosed as bipolar 2, and terrified. I'm scared of losing myself, my brains and my wit and my semi creative impulses. The medication I'm on, lamictal, functions by dampening electrical activity in the brain as well as by decreasing glutamate. Undiagnosed however, I was a mess. Either engaging in high risk activities such as drug use, reckless driving and unprotected sex, or engaging in some serious suicidal ideation. Making incredibly stupid decisions (i.e. see former question where I had the brilliant idea of eloping at 20 with an emotionally abusive alcoholic). I've had one suicide attempt and many episodes of depression, or rather it feels like one slow ride into a place that's growing ever more dim. Yet I remained fairly functioning the past. Not sure if I can call it well. In school I was lucky enough to be one of those sorts who can memorize large amounts of information. That was how I dealt with the anxiety and self-hatred that kept me from going to classes. I remember one instance of me being on oxycodone, realizing I had an exam at 4am, scheduled for 8am, and managing to study the material I needed with little prior knowledge and getting a high grade fairly easily. Somehow I always pulled through. I consistently got A's even with all the shiyat going on inside my brain. I'm terrified this medication will make me slow, I don't want to slow down.
I was abused (I think) as a child. I know I was and yet I do not. My mother would fly into rages and hit me and injure me with anything nearby. Ivte been punched, grabbed, slapped, pinned down, sprayed with bleach and furniture cleaner. I've been called disgusting, wrong, an 'energy vampire,' among a myriad of other things. The worst was being called evil and being told no one else would love me. Also when my mother threatened to kill and her both by pushing us down the stairs. And the time she punched me with her wedding ring in front of my high school. And feeling I didn't have any space to breathe, to be, to be so isolated and entirely alone. Or being forcefully held in her arms as she told me she loved me after these incidents and being made to say it back. Her complete denial of mental illness and her utter lack of acknowledging that what she did was abuse. I believe she knew. She had to know, right? She told me I better not call child protective services at one point. I addressed all of this a year ago and she had the oddest reaction, alternating between apologetic crying and complete denial to anger that I would even bring up such a thing as she was the perfect mother. She told me I was making up things. What if I am? What if it isn't as bad as itm making it out to be. What if this is my way of making others feel so sorry for me that they are guilted into caring for me, the invalid.
Why do I feel so worthless. At the heart of myself I feel truly evil. As though I enjoy illness. Perhaps I want to be depressed to inflict misery upon myself and others. Maybe I'm defective. That there is/was something inside of me to make others hurt me. That I just want to destroy others. At my worst moments I call myself sick and evil. What is there to do. I seriously thought about killing myself because I didn't want to inflict me upon others. I didn't want to cause any more pain or destruction. I'm secretly terrified of what I can do.
Once I back up from that though I see myself as this immensely strong person who managed to graduate, has a safe home and a healthy relationship filled with honesty, trust and boundaries. I have people who care for me. None of it seems very real though. I feel like ive stepped into someone else's life. I feel as though this is a massive charade and at anytime the shoes going to drop and I will be left. So I'm constantly preparing for it. Sometimes I don't know if I can love, if what I feel is love. If I exist truly. I feel hindered by character flaws, procrastination, self-loathing, and fear. I have so much of it.
I worry that I will never be in a good place. That I'm doomed. To grapple with this thing. This thing that I am.
There's so much I would like to do. And so much I'm doing yet I always worry it's too much. I want to move on away from self doubt. I want to be able to trust myself.
I'm not sure if I actually have bipolar. I know something is wrong though. I've tried so many medications as well as a couple bouts of therapy. I just don't think/know if anything can fix this.
On my good days I'm passionate about mental health and decreasing stigma in the community, I volunteer, I read, sometimes write. I draw if I'm feeling up to it. I am unsure if I could ever be well enough to really do these things in full. I have/had vague distant dreams of being a psychiatrist at some point later in my life. I feel like this diagnosis and the medications are dashing that a bit. Like everything I want is getting further away. I'm not sure how to end this.
Recently diagnosed as bipolar 2, and terrified. I'm scared of losing myself, my brains and my wit and my semi creative impulses. The medication I'm on, lamictal, functions by dampening electrical activity in the brain as well as by decreasing glutamate. Undiagnosed however, I was a mess. Either engaging in high risk activities such as drug use, reckless driving and unprotected sex, or engaging in some serious suicidal ideation. Making incredibly stupid decisions (i.e. see former question where I had the brilliant idea of eloping at 20 with an emotionally abusive alcoholic). I've had one suicide attempt and many episodes of depression, or rather it feels like one slow ride into a place that's growing ever more dim. Yet I remained fairly functioning the past. Not sure if I can call it well. In school I was lucky enough to be one of those sorts who can memorize large amounts of information. That was how I dealt with the anxiety and self-hatred that kept me from going to classes. I remember one instance of me being on oxycodone, realizing I had an exam at 4am, scheduled for 8am, and managing to study the material I needed with little prior knowledge and getting a high grade fairly easily. Somehow I always pulled through. I consistently got A's even with all the shiyat going on inside my brain. I'm terrified this medication will make me slow, I don't want to slow down.
I was abused (I think) as a child. I know I was and yet I do not. My mother would fly into rages and hit me and injure me with anything nearby. Ivte been punched, grabbed, slapped, pinned down, sprayed with bleach and furniture cleaner. I've been called disgusting, wrong, an 'energy vampire,' among a myriad of other things. The worst was being called evil and being told no one else would love me. Also when my mother threatened to kill and her both by pushing us down the stairs. And the time she punched me with her wedding ring in front of my high school. And feeling I didn't have any space to breathe, to be, to be so isolated and entirely alone. Or being forcefully held in her arms as she told me she loved me after these incidents and being made to say it back. Her complete denial of mental illness and her utter lack of acknowledging that what she did was abuse. I believe she knew. She had to know, right? She told me I better not call child protective services at one point. I addressed all of this a year ago and she had the oddest reaction, alternating between apologetic crying and complete denial to anger that I would even bring up such a thing as she was the perfect mother. She told me I was making up things. What if I am? What if it isn't as bad as itm making it out to be. What if this is my way of making others feel so sorry for me that they are guilted into caring for me, the invalid.
Why do I feel so worthless. At the heart of myself I feel truly evil. As though I enjoy illness. Perhaps I want to be depressed to inflict misery upon myself and others. Maybe I'm defective. That there is/was something inside of me to make others hurt me. That I just want to destroy others. At my worst moments I call myself sick and evil. What is there to do. I seriously thought about killing myself because I didn't want to inflict me upon others. I didn't want to cause any more pain or destruction. I'm secretly terrified of what I can do.
Once I back up from that though I see myself as this immensely strong person who managed to graduate, has a safe home and a healthy relationship filled with honesty, trust and boundaries. I have people who care for me. None of it seems very real though. I feel like ive stepped into someone else's life. I feel as though this is a massive charade and at anytime the shoes going to drop and I will be left. So I'm constantly preparing for it. Sometimes I don't know if I can love, if what I feel is love. If I exist truly. I feel hindered by character flaws, procrastination, self-loathing, and fear. I have so much of it.
I worry that I will never be in a good place. That I'm doomed. To grapple with this thing. This thing that I am.
There's so much I would like to do. And so much I'm doing yet I always worry it's too much. I want to move on away from self doubt. I want to be able to trust myself.
I'm not sure if I actually have bipolar. I know something is wrong though. I've tried so many medications as well as a couple bouts of therapy. I just don't think/know if anything can fix this.
On my good days I'm passionate about mental health and decreasing stigma in the community, I volunteer, I read, sometimes write. I draw if I'm feeling up to it. I am unsure if I could ever be well enough to really do these things in full. I have/had vague distant dreams of being a psychiatrist at some point later in my life. I feel like this diagnosis and the medications are dashing that a bit. Like everything I want is getting further away. I'm not sure how to end this.
I really recommend Ellen Forney's book Marbles, a graphic memoir about her bipolar diagnosis and her creative life.
posted by listen, lady at 4:42 AM on August 19, 2016
posted by listen, lady at 4:42 AM on August 19, 2016
You have my heartfelt empathy for your current situation. Notice I said current.
You have an illness. You are doing the right thing by seeking out professional help. And right now that includes medication.
The only thing you've known is a life that doesn't approach normalcy. It was normal for you, but in a harmful sense.
Medication, therapy, and lots of time and patience, will help you get to places in life you could never have dreamed of before. But this is the important point: nothing and no one predicts or controls your future. That is up to you.
Just think what an incredible life you will be able to create for yourself when you are healthy.
Don't assign outcomes. Get well first.
posted by jtexman1 at 5:39 AM on August 19, 2016
You have an illness. You are doing the right thing by seeking out professional help. And right now that includes medication.
The only thing you've known is a life that doesn't approach normalcy. It was normal for you, but in a harmful sense.
Medication, therapy, and lots of time and patience, will help you get to places in life you could never have dreamed of before. But this is the important point: nothing and no one predicts or controls your future. That is up to you.
Just think what an incredible life you will be able to create for yourself when you are healthy.
Don't assign outcomes. Get well first.
posted by jtexman1 at 5:39 AM on August 19, 2016
You know, even if your mother was right and never abused you - and I think she did, at least it sounds like she has mental illness problems - she shouldn't have told you that you made things up.
I am sorry for your childhood. Do you have any chance to work through this with a therapist so that you can feel you actually deserve the love you now have on your life?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:30 AM on August 19, 2016
I am sorry for your childhood. Do you have any chance to work through this with a therapist so that you can feel you actually deserve the love you now have on your life?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 6:30 AM on August 19, 2016
How old are you, my friend?
Why do I feel so worthless
Speaking as someone whose life experience ... isn't dissimilar in some key ways, I end up feeling worthless and evil unless I try to wretch my experience outside the constrains of capitalism.
I am always fighting to get back the stability required to make money. When I'm convulsing on the sofa, one thing that runs through my head is WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO GET TO LIVE YOUR FEELINGS? Like, if I had a job at a shoe store I'd be out on my butt the first time I was unable to make the call in sick.
I was injured on the job and I live off insurance money (for now) and I STILL feel like this. Maybe it's worth looking at the context you are judging yourself in, that's what I'm saying. It might not be inability to work, there may be some other filter installed in you. It's worth digging into.
Also, from the way your mom reacted - she definitely did all the stuff, you're not misremembering.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:42 AM on August 19, 2016
Why do I feel so worthless
Speaking as someone whose life experience ... isn't dissimilar in some key ways, I end up feeling worthless and evil unless I try to wretch my experience outside the constrains of capitalism.
I am always fighting to get back the stability required to make money. When I'm convulsing on the sofa, one thing that runs through my head is WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO GET TO LIVE YOUR FEELINGS? Like, if I had a job at a shoe store I'd be out on my butt the first time I was unable to make the call in sick.
I was injured on the job and I live off insurance money (for now) and I STILL feel like this. Maybe it's worth looking at the context you are judging yourself in, that's what I'm saying. It might not be inability to work, there may be some other filter installed in you. It's worth digging into.
Also, from the way your mom reacted - she definitely did all the stuff, you're not misremembering.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:42 AM on August 19, 2016
I am so sorry that you're feeling this way. I think you need a huge dose of self-compassion -- these exercises have been helpful for me in the past.
posted by heavenknows at 7:54 AM on August 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by heavenknows at 7:54 AM on August 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
One of the things my partner has found most helpful in dealing with his own bipolar diagnosis and symptoms has been making contact with other people who have bipolar as well. If you have any venue for doing that, I really recommend it. Depending where you are, perhaps you have access to a DBSA support group or something else similar? It might be worth checking out. Even if you're not sure about the diagnosis. Chances are there will be some other folks there who are or have been feeling some of the same things you are.
posted by Stacey at 8:00 AM on August 19, 2016
posted by Stacey at 8:00 AM on August 19, 2016
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 eleven years ago, with a few other diagnoses previously stretching back over fifteen years. For the last eleven years I have taken lamictal along with other things. I would like to share my experience.
Everybody is different, but I have had a fantastic experience with lamictal. I attend group sessions and the feedback I hear in groups is that lamictal is less problematic than other drugs in its class. I find that it does not impact my cognition poorly.
My career has been a bit choppy, but overall I have made excellent progress including promotions, lateral career changes, increasing salary, etc. I have made a lot of good contacts in the industry I am in and get referred to jobs. My work requires me to have excellent executive function for planning/communications, and I have to quickly learn some complicated technology. Of those eleven years, I have only had problems with executive function that caused me problems at work one time for a six to nine month period. Your mental life is not over due to the use of psychiatric drugs. Once your symptoms are under control, you can succeed in a complex career.
I can love, I can be loved, I am worthy of love. You are too. I am married with a child and now two dogs. It's hard for me to keep friends, and like you I have issues with my family of origin, but it's possible. I have had thoughts like yours as well that it is impossible to be loved with this illness. I assure you that it is not.
From your description, your symptoms are not under control. You have suicidal ideation, self-loathing, feelings of helplessness/hopelessness, problems with completing tasks. You have questions about your diagnosis and perhaps do not have self-awareness into your symptoms. How are you sleeping or eating? The drugs seem not to be completely working for you. Ask your doctor for more help. For people with bipolar 2 it is unusual to take only one drug. Often you will have a cocktail.
I get that it's frustrating to not have drugs that work. Over the years, I have taken Prozac, Celexa, Imovane, Seroquel, Lamictal, Klonopin, Ativan, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, Dexedrine, Vitamin D3, Deplin, fish oil, and I'm sure others I've forgotten with varying degrees of success for each one and varying side effect profiles. There are still more drugs for me if I run into troubles, there's tons I haven't tried. Nowadays, you can also look into novel treatments such as rTMS and ketamine. It really sucks for it to be such a crapshoot, but keep trying. If you are sick enough (and I think you are), the risk of side effects and failure are worth the potential reward of a full life. It is possible.
You have had a difficult past, and I am sorry for everything that has happened to you. I agree with the suggestion for therapy. I get that it's frustrating not to have therapy that works. There are so many kinds of therapies and therapists, I have done CBT, MBCT, EFT, and friendly chats as modalities. The nice thing about cognitive therapy or mindfulness therapy is that you learn a few skills and it's over. If you practice them, great. Other sorts of therapy can feel like a slog with the wrong therapist. You can either keep trying until you have the right therapist or take a break from it. Either is fine. I have seen five different therapists over the years (this is in addition to the rotating cast of psychiatrists) and been in and out of therapy. Sometimes you're well enough to deal with the stuff that therapy dredges up and to do the assigned homework, and sometimes you're not. That's ok. Therapy is there for you to help you learn the skills you need to manage your social life. Keep trying as you are able. Take vacations from it if you want and then go back. Honestly I have not found a therapist that I liked and that could help me really get things together until this year.
You've been around the mental illness merry-go-round long enough to learn that it can't really be fixed, just managed. You have options. In addition to the things above, you have sleep hygiene, exercise, abstention (or curtailing) of alcohol and drugs, and a passable diet on the list of things to do. It feels very constraining and boring to do such things, I feel that way as well. It's manageable.
Life is long and it is worth living. You are worth it. You can be successful with mental illness. I hope you have some social support to help you hang in there and keep trying. The treatments can work. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:02 AM on August 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
Everybody is different, but I have had a fantastic experience with lamictal. I attend group sessions and the feedback I hear in groups is that lamictal is less problematic than other drugs in its class. I find that it does not impact my cognition poorly.
My career has been a bit choppy, but overall I have made excellent progress including promotions, lateral career changes, increasing salary, etc. I have made a lot of good contacts in the industry I am in and get referred to jobs. My work requires me to have excellent executive function for planning/communications, and I have to quickly learn some complicated technology. Of those eleven years, I have only had problems with executive function that caused me problems at work one time for a six to nine month period. Your mental life is not over due to the use of psychiatric drugs. Once your symptoms are under control, you can succeed in a complex career.
I can love, I can be loved, I am worthy of love. You are too. I am married with a child and now two dogs. It's hard for me to keep friends, and like you I have issues with my family of origin, but it's possible. I have had thoughts like yours as well that it is impossible to be loved with this illness. I assure you that it is not.
From your description, your symptoms are not under control. You have suicidal ideation, self-loathing, feelings of helplessness/hopelessness, problems with completing tasks. You have questions about your diagnosis and perhaps do not have self-awareness into your symptoms. How are you sleeping or eating? The drugs seem not to be completely working for you. Ask your doctor for more help. For people with bipolar 2 it is unusual to take only one drug. Often you will have a cocktail.
I get that it's frustrating to not have drugs that work. Over the years, I have taken Prozac, Celexa, Imovane, Seroquel, Lamictal, Klonopin, Ativan, Wellbutrin, Trazodone, Dexedrine, Vitamin D3, Deplin, fish oil, and I'm sure others I've forgotten with varying degrees of success for each one and varying side effect profiles. There are still more drugs for me if I run into troubles, there's tons I haven't tried. Nowadays, you can also look into novel treatments such as rTMS and ketamine. It really sucks for it to be such a crapshoot, but keep trying. If you are sick enough (and I think you are), the risk of side effects and failure are worth the potential reward of a full life. It is possible.
You have had a difficult past, and I am sorry for everything that has happened to you. I agree with the suggestion for therapy. I get that it's frustrating not to have therapy that works. There are so many kinds of therapies and therapists, I have done CBT, MBCT, EFT, and friendly chats as modalities. The nice thing about cognitive therapy or mindfulness therapy is that you learn a few skills and it's over. If you practice them, great. Other sorts of therapy can feel like a slog with the wrong therapist. You can either keep trying until you have the right therapist or take a break from it. Either is fine. I have seen five different therapists over the years (this is in addition to the rotating cast of psychiatrists) and been in and out of therapy. Sometimes you're well enough to deal with the stuff that therapy dredges up and to do the assigned homework, and sometimes you're not. That's ok. Therapy is there for you to help you learn the skills you need to manage your social life. Keep trying as you are able. Take vacations from it if you want and then go back. Honestly I have not found a therapist that I liked and that could help me really get things together until this year.
You've been around the mental illness merry-go-round long enough to learn that it can't really be fixed, just managed. You have options. In addition to the things above, you have sleep hygiene, exercise, abstention (or curtailing) of alcohol and drugs, and a passable diet on the list of things to do. It feels very constraining and boring to do such things, I feel that way as well. It's manageable.
Life is long and it is worth living. You are worth it. You can be successful with mental illness. I hope you have some social support to help you hang in there and keep trying. The treatments can work. Good luck.
posted by crazycanuck at 8:02 AM on August 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
My mother behaved like that as well. All of it. She finally got her own diagnosis after I first cut off communication with her, where my condition was that she get therapy and stay with it. Unfortunately, once I was talking with her again, she had basically used therapy to, well, learn how to abuse even better. "My therapist says you're [xyz]," for instance. When I was diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, her immediate reaction was "ha! I always knew you were schizophrenic! That explains your violent childhood!" Sigh. (I was anything but a violent kid. She, on the other hand...) Anyway, I was living in a different country. I knew her therapist very likely was not diagnosing someone he'd never met. Her fundamental behavior didn't change. Considering how much she bragged about pulling one over on her therapist, I understood why.
You're not misremembering, and I can profoundly relate to your feelings of being an impostor fooling people; "you don't realize just how evil I am!" sort of thing. This was a survival mechanism for your childhood – we have to have caretakers as kids. If a parent is threatening our survival, we do what we need to survive, even if that means cutting off a piece of ourselves. If you connect with metaphors at all, read The Girl With No Hands. She stays true to herself by losing part of herself, in essence. Then she goes through a long period of self-discovery, fraught with dangers, entirely alone... and she makes it.
It very much echoes my own path. I'm on the other side now, a decade of therapy later. It was absolutely, totally, entirely worth it. I've found an acceptance of my childhood (not my parents or their behavior, they were indeed fully aware of what they were doing... an acceptance of my childhood), knowledge of and faith in who I am, and most surprisingly and healing for me, an appreciation of how growing through that "I'm worthless" phase has deeply informed my worldview. It comes with time and life experience, it's not something for which there's a shortcut; just, in adulthood, you discover that it does actually have a strong side to it, when it's been digested properly. And OBVIOUSLY I am not saying that to say the abuse was okay. Because the flip side is also coming to terms with the reality that I never had a happy childhood, I do not know what it means to have a secure parental relationship, and I never will. I'm 40 years old and people still leave me speechless when they phone their parents at work and say, "hey Mom, I really liked that lasagna you baked, can you cook me some more for this weekend?"
It's like, what? You have a mom you can call? She cooks for you? Still? And, you, like, can... just randomly call her? And she doesn't explode at you for being an evil egotistical vampire using her for all she's worth? And she, um, actually, like, agrees... to bake you... lasagna... just because?!?!?! *mindexplodes*
So nthing therapy. Totally, truly, genuinely, go find a therapist you feel safe with (the trust will come in time, don't worry about anxiety, only worry if they deny your experiences; look for a different one in that case). Stick with it. It can be very scary the first year or two. It gets better. It really does.
(On preview: don't feel bad if, for now, self-compassion exercises don't work. They didn't for me. It felt like my mother screaming at me "you're so hopeless you have to read something written by someone who doesn't even know you to make you feel better!!" sigh. It's only been in the past two or three years that I've started to comprehend how they're supposed to work.)
posted by fraula at 8:02 AM on August 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
You're not misremembering, and I can profoundly relate to your feelings of being an impostor fooling people; "you don't realize just how evil I am!" sort of thing. This was a survival mechanism for your childhood – we have to have caretakers as kids. If a parent is threatening our survival, we do what we need to survive, even if that means cutting off a piece of ourselves. If you connect with metaphors at all, read The Girl With No Hands. She stays true to herself by losing part of herself, in essence. Then she goes through a long period of self-discovery, fraught with dangers, entirely alone... and she makes it.
It very much echoes my own path. I'm on the other side now, a decade of therapy later. It was absolutely, totally, entirely worth it. I've found an acceptance of my childhood (not my parents or their behavior, they were indeed fully aware of what they were doing... an acceptance of my childhood), knowledge of and faith in who I am, and most surprisingly and healing for me, an appreciation of how growing through that "I'm worthless" phase has deeply informed my worldview. It comes with time and life experience, it's not something for which there's a shortcut; just, in adulthood, you discover that it does actually have a strong side to it, when it's been digested properly. And OBVIOUSLY I am not saying that to say the abuse was okay. Because the flip side is also coming to terms with the reality that I never had a happy childhood, I do not know what it means to have a secure parental relationship, and I never will. I'm 40 years old and people still leave me speechless when they phone their parents at work and say, "hey Mom, I really liked that lasagna you baked, can you cook me some more for this weekend?"
It's like, what? You have a mom you can call? She cooks for you? Still? And, you, like, can... just randomly call her? And she doesn't explode at you for being an evil egotistical vampire using her for all she's worth? And she, um, actually, like, agrees... to bake you... lasagna... just because?!?!?! *mindexplodes*
So nthing therapy. Totally, truly, genuinely, go find a therapist you feel safe with (the trust will come in time, don't worry about anxiety, only worry if they deny your experiences; look for a different one in that case). Stick with it. It can be very scary the first year or two. It gets better. It really does.
(On preview: don't feel bad if, for now, self-compassion exercises don't work. They didn't for me. It felt like my mother screaming at me "you're so hopeless you have to read something written by someone who doesn't even know you to make you feel better!!" sigh. It's only been in the past two or three years that I've started to comprehend how they're supposed to work.)
posted by fraula at 8:02 AM on August 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
"I was abused (I think) as a child. I know I was and yet I do not. My mother would fly into rages and hit me and injure me with anything nearby. Ivte been punched, grabbed, slapped, pinned down, sprayed with bleach and furniture cleaner. I've been called disgusting, wrong, an 'energy vampire,' among a myriad of other things. The worst was being called evil and being told no one else would love me. Also when my mother threatened to kill and her both by pushing us down the stairs."
Oh my dear, this is so horrible, so painful, and it's so wrong that this happened to you. Do you know the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? Trauma can wreak havoc on the mind, body, reactions, emotions. Please, please, be gentle with yourself.
"I worry that I will never be in a good place. That I'm doomed. To grapple with this thing."
You're not doomed. Good therapy will help. Meditation. Try to get into a regular exercise and healthy nutrition cycle. Cultivate close relationships with people or animals. Try to find a therapist who asks not "What's wrong with you?" but "What happened to you?"
posted by enzymatic at 2:19 PM on August 19, 2016
Oh my dear, this is so horrible, so painful, and it's so wrong that this happened to you. Do you know the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk? Trauma can wreak havoc on the mind, body, reactions, emotions. Please, please, be gentle with yourself.
"I worry that I will never be in a good place. That I'm doomed. To grapple with this thing."
You're not doomed. Good therapy will help. Meditation. Try to get into a regular exercise and healthy nutrition cycle. Cultivate close relationships with people or animals. Try to find a therapist who asks not "What's wrong with you?" but "What happened to you?"
posted by enzymatic at 2:19 PM on August 19, 2016
I have two close family members who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder I. While bipolar disorder is a serious mental health condition and something you will have to actively manage for the rest of your life, I have faith that you can find a way to cope and have the life you want to have. It isn't easy, and there will be better times and harder times, but both of my family members have had full lives with deep and meaningful relationships with their partners, jobs they cared about and excelled at, and basically "normal" lives in most ways. The periods before their diagnoses were really, really difficult, with many of the issues you've described, but after finding good medical care and mental health support, they are both health and generally happy (at least as happy as anyone is). I don't want to minimize the difficulties and struggles of finding a medication and lifestyle regimen that works for you, because I know it can take time and trial and error, and that's not a small thing, but I want you to know that there is hope, and this diagnosis doesn't have to be something that stops you from having the life you want.
posted by odayoday at 2:30 PM on August 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by odayoday at 2:30 PM on August 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I couldn't take lamictal -- I'm one of the ppl that *instantly* get hives from it. Too bad for me -- it's a great drug to address mania, it's a great mood stabilizer for a a lot of ppl that I know. The mood stabilizer I am on is a time release formulation of divalproex and it works well. I tried it before it came out in the time release formulation with no luck, but with this extended release I'm in business. I've been on it since autumn 2003.
But a mood stabilizer is just half the equation for most of us with bipolar disorder.** (More accurately known as manic depression; see Jamison, below.) Along with the mood stabilizer -- which any shrink worth his/her salt will get us onto *before* putting any anti-depressants in our mouths, as without a mood stabilizer an anti-d can send us flying right off into manic - along with the mood stabilizer we've generally got to be (get to be, IMO) on an anti-depressant, to stop the suicidal ideation, to brighten our mood, to lift our thought-life. Myself, I am on an extended release formulation of welbutrin (which also did not work for me until the extended release formulation came along) but you've got to find your way, you'll have to find what anti-d words best for you. Wellbutrin (generic is bupropion) is where a lot of ppl start, as it's generally got a small footprint of problems associated with it -- for me, pretty much none, it's all good. I've been on it since about a month after I got settled on the mood stabilizer, late 2003.
**Manic depression is called bipolar nowadays, inaccurately -- it's not like there's just two poles, not just that we're up or down. It's a spectrum disorder, affecting mood, energy, thoughts. Here's Kay Redfield Jamison, who literally co-wrote the text book on manic depression, and has written a number of other books on the topic also:
“The clinical reality of manic-depressive illness is far more lethal and infinitely more complex than the current psychiatric nomenclature, bipolar disorder, would suggest. Cycles of fluctuating moods and energy levels serve as a background to constantly changing thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. The illness encompasses the extremes of human experience. Thinking can range from florid psychosis, or “madness,” to patterns of unusually clear, fast and creative associations, to retardation so profound that no meaningful mental activity can occur. Behavior can be frenzied, expansive, bizarre, and seductive, or it can be seclusive, sluggish, and dangerously suicidal. Moods may swing erratically between euphoria and despair or irritability and desperation. The rapid oscillations and combinations of such extremes result in an intricately textured clinical picture.”
Kay Jamison, Ph.D.
Being on the right anti-depressant is just amazing, in my experience. A friend of mine describes it that instead of dark, scary, heavy music you now have a bright sunshiny soundtrack for your life. I'm not saying my life is all flowers and butterflies and "Oh, Joy of Joys!" or like that, but compared to where I was, it's a really dramatic change.
~~~~~
Aside: Lots of times ppl think "Oh goody, it's *just* BP2, sortof like BP Lite, right?" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. It's deadly as hell. The only differentiation between BP1 and BP2 is that you only get dx'd as BP1 if you've slid over the line and into psychosis. Other than that, we've got the same load that they do. Sorry 'bout that...
~~~~~
As far as your parenting -- it happened. I'd bet two hundred dollars; you're not dreaming this up. Your mother is mentally ill. It's not her fault -- it really isn't -- but it goddamn sure isn't your fault, either, and if she's still playing games you're going to have to take steps to protect your precious self so that it doesn't continue, and so that you're not continually questioning it all. It happened. Whether you cut her off completely or just send a letter at holidays or tell her to go fuck herself, that's up to you to decide. But I'd think you'd want some help in making these decisions, some validation of your reality, some support. I am speaking here of course of psychotherapy.
Even just at the start of it -- The Telling Of The Tale -- even just laying it all out in the presence of an understanding and compassionate person, even that is a really helpful thing. It'll allow you to begin to gain a better perspective on the whole thing. You'll have an ally now, someone in your corner. A safe place.
~~~~~
Last. I almost don't even want to write this, but it was my experience (TONS of violence in my family, and mental illness also -- my mother suffered profound depression, my father manic depression, a sister with schizophrenia, plus I've got manic depression, too) it was my experience that I grieved the fact of not having had a happy family. Which of the Russians wrote that happy families are all the same, but unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way -- I can never remember, though I sure remember the quote .?
My family was really, really unhappy, we were poor, it was all a big mess, overlaid with bibles and Jesus. I took all of that on, and only in therapy did I sortof see that *anyone* in that setup would be as screwed as I was. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't a bad person. It's hard for me to articulate, just that it hurt as it unwound. Maybe like you've got to break a bone to re-set it correctly? That sounds extreme but it's sortof accurate. It got worse before it got better.
What made it all the more confusing is that there *was* love there, lots of it, and real deep. But so much of it was conditional, and would absolutely be withdrawn. I sometimes think that while it was deep love it was also a really deep gravity, a field you get sucked into deeply and can't kick free of.
~~~~~
I read a short story once -- Ray Bradbury? -- about a man who traveled back in time, climbed into the window of his bedroom as a kid, and took himself as a kid out of hell and into a happy life. Would that I could do that. I'd buy that kid shoes that didn't hurt his feet. I'd take him to a good dentist. I wouldn't slap him or pull his hair or scream right in his face. I'd tell him that Jesus and bibles are all a bunch of bullshit. I'd take him fishing.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:56 PM on August 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
But a mood stabilizer is just half the equation for most of us with bipolar disorder.** (More accurately known as manic depression; see Jamison, below.) Along with the mood stabilizer -- which any shrink worth his/her salt will get us onto *before* putting any anti-depressants in our mouths, as without a mood stabilizer an anti-d can send us flying right off into manic - along with the mood stabilizer we've generally got to be (get to be, IMO) on an anti-depressant, to stop the suicidal ideation, to brighten our mood, to lift our thought-life. Myself, I am on an extended release formulation of welbutrin (which also did not work for me until the extended release formulation came along) but you've got to find your way, you'll have to find what anti-d words best for you. Wellbutrin (generic is bupropion) is where a lot of ppl start, as it's generally got a small footprint of problems associated with it -- for me, pretty much none, it's all good. I've been on it since about a month after I got settled on the mood stabilizer, late 2003.
**Manic depression is called bipolar nowadays, inaccurately -- it's not like there's just two poles, not just that we're up or down. It's a spectrum disorder, affecting mood, energy, thoughts. Here's Kay Redfield Jamison, who literally co-wrote the text book on manic depression, and has written a number of other books on the topic also:
“The clinical reality of manic-depressive illness is far more lethal and infinitely more complex than the current psychiatric nomenclature, bipolar disorder, would suggest. Cycles of fluctuating moods and energy levels serve as a background to constantly changing thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. The illness encompasses the extremes of human experience. Thinking can range from florid psychosis, or “madness,” to patterns of unusually clear, fast and creative associations, to retardation so profound that no meaningful mental activity can occur. Behavior can be frenzied, expansive, bizarre, and seductive, or it can be seclusive, sluggish, and dangerously suicidal. Moods may swing erratically between euphoria and despair or irritability and desperation. The rapid oscillations and combinations of such extremes result in an intricately textured clinical picture.”
Kay Jamison, Ph.D.
Being on the right anti-depressant is just amazing, in my experience. A friend of mine describes it that instead of dark, scary, heavy music you now have a bright sunshiny soundtrack for your life. I'm not saying my life is all flowers and butterflies and "Oh, Joy of Joys!" or like that, but compared to where I was, it's a really dramatic change.
~~~~~
Aside: Lots of times ppl think "Oh goody, it's *just* BP2, sortof like BP Lite, right?" Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. It's deadly as hell. The only differentiation between BP1 and BP2 is that you only get dx'd as BP1 if you've slid over the line and into psychosis. Other than that, we've got the same load that they do. Sorry 'bout that...
~~~~~
As far as your parenting -- it happened. I'd bet two hundred dollars; you're not dreaming this up. Your mother is mentally ill. It's not her fault -- it really isn't -- but it goddamn sure isn't your fault, either, and if she's still playing games you're going to have to take steps to protect your precious self so that it doesn't continue, and so that you're not continually questioning it all. It happened. Whether you cut her off completely or just send a letter at holidays or tell her to go fuck herself, that's up to you to decide. But I'd think you'd want some help in making these decisions, some validation of your reality, some support. I am speaking here of course of psychotherapy.
Even just at the start of it -- The Telling Of The Tale -- even just laying it all out in the presence of an understanding and compassionate person, even that is a really helpful thing. It'll allow you to begin to gain a better perspective on the whole thing. You'll have an ally now, someone in your corner. A safe place.
~~~~~
Last. I almost don't even want to write this, but it was my experience (TONS of violence in my family, and mental illness also -- my mother suffered profound depression, my father manic depression, a sister with schizophrenia, plus I've got manic depression, too) it was my experience that I grieved the fact of not having had a happy family. Which of the Russians wrote that happy families are all the same, but unhappy families are all unhappy in their own way -- I can never remember, though I sure remember the quote .?
My family was really, really unhappy, we were poor, it was all a big mess, overlaid with bibles and Jesus. I took all of that on, and only in therapy did I sortof see that *anyone* in that setup would be as screwed as I was. It wasn't my fault. I wasn't a bad person. It's hard for me to articulate, just that it hurt as it unwound. Maybe like you've got to break a bone to re-set it correctly? That sounds extreme but it's sortof accurate. It got worse before it got better.
What made it all the more confusing is that there *was* love there, lots of it, and real deep. But so much of it was conditional, and would absolutely be withdrawn. I sometimes think that while it was deep love it was also a really deep gravity, a field you get sucked into deeply and can't kick free of.
~~~~~
I read a short story once -- Ray Bradbury? -- about a man who traveled back in time, climbed into the window of his bedroom as a kid, and took himself as a kid out of hell and into a happy life. Would that I could do that. I'd buy that kid shoes that didn't hurt his feet. I'd take him to a good dentist. I wouldn't slap him or pull his hair or scream right in his face. I'd tell him that Jesus and bibles are all a bunch of bullshit. I'd take him fishing.
posted by dancestoblue at 5:56 PM on August 19, 2016 [4 favorites]
I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Reaching out for support, like you're doing here, is a huge and important thing to do. I agree with others who have suggested therapy and support groups, as well as self-compassion.
If you think you would benefit from hearing other people's experiences, you may want to check out the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast and web site. (I learned about it recently on AskMe and have been binge-listening ever since.) Warning - it's hosted by a comedian with an irreverent streak, and there is some dark humour and swearing. I find it very real, very compassionate, and very informative.
Many of the people I've heard on that show (including celebrities and other public figures) have experiences and feelings that sound like yours -- the uncertainty about parents & diagnosis, the self-loathing, the feeling of charade, the belief that nothing can help. There are a lot of bits of practical advice from real people who have gotten better.
You can find a number of blog posts and podcast episodes talking about bipolar disorder, but the episodes on other types of mental illness can be helpful too (e.g., borderline, depression, mania).
Things can better. Please keep trying.
posted by Frenchy67 at 10:52 AM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you think you would benefit from hearing other people's experiences, you may want to check out the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast and web site. (I learned about it recently on AskMe and have been binge-listening ever since.) Warning - it's hosted by a comedian with an irreverent streak, and there is some dark humour and swearing. I find it very real, very compassionate, and very informative.
Many of the people I've heard on that show (including celebrities and other public figures) have experiences and feelings that sound like yours -- the uncertainty about parents & diagnosis, the self-loathing, the feeling of charade, the belief that nothing can help. There are a lot of bits of practical advice from real people who have gotten better.
You can find a number of blog posts and podcast episodes talking about bipolar disorder, but the episodes on other types of mental illness can be helpful too (e.g., borderline, depression, mania).
Things can better. Please keep trying.
posted by Frenchy67 at 10:52 AM on August 20, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I get that you don't want to lose yourself or feel numbed or like a lesser version of what makes you "you." I really, really do. But I think if you think about giving yourself the short-term goal of getting (or staying) stable with your medication, you can then make adjustments to your medications with the help of a psychiatrist. How long have you been on lamictal? Once you've been taking the medicine consistently for several months, you might be able to adjust the dosage with the help of your psychiatrist. Be honest with him or her and express your desire to feel like yourself--it may be possible to reduce your medication eventually or find the right combo for you, over time and trial-and-error. Also be open to the possibility that the dosage IS right for you, IF you feel better and don't feel so slowed down. Try to have the goal to feel like yourself, not to reduce medication.
When I went through a really bad depression, I was nervous about taking medicine for many of the same reasons. I thought I would lose myself and didn't want it to change me (even though I was not functional and crying all the time). My sister had good advice for me, that the RIGHT medicine will help you feel more like yourself, not less like yourself.
I would also suggest, if possible, continuing or starting therapy in addition to medication, especially as changes in your medication occur. I think therapy could help you separate what is truly YOU and what was a side effect of being bipolar, and how to maintain the best traits of yourself, but in a healthy and stable way.
posted by shortyJBot at 4:07 AM on August 19, 2016 [1 favorite]