Anxious girlfriend bringing me down - can this be stopped or prevented?
November 19, 2015 10:36 PM Subscribe
My girlfriend has anxiety. My last girlfriend did too, as did the one before her and the one before her. What is it about me that's attracting anxious people, and how can I change it? And how can I best handle my girlfriend's anxiety without getting caught up in a caretaker role?
My girlfriend not only has bipolar disorder, but is also anxious. I didn't realize it at first, or maybe I would not have kept seeing her, because I know from past experience that it is not a trait that I desire in a mate. I've had three prior girlfriends who were the same way: anxious, high-strung, hyperbolic, neurotic, and negative. I love my girlfriend for her many stellar qualities: she's super smart, attractive, kind, and really great in bed, and we are compatible on many levels. Unfortunately, the anxiety is really hard for me to deal with. For example, she worries a lot about her family and friends and talks about their awful situations a lot -- she's really empathetic, which I get and appreciate, but also overly involved from my perspective (I guess it just seems like she does a lot of catastrophizing and exaggeratedly, dramatically, lamenting their situations). She also perseverates about our relationship and worries/frets about her job, her roommate, her family, her health, and on and on. It seems like everything really affects her and gets to her in a way that seems really unhealthy.
I'm not an anxious person, never have been. When I am worried about something, I am pretty good at talking myself down off the ledge and just self-soothing in general. No one in my family has an anxiety disorder that I know of. I've had depression in the past, and I've dealt with some substance abuse issues in the past, but these days, I'm in a really good place. I'm happy, positive, and optimistic. I'm easy going and a bit of a hedonist - I am all about avoiding pain and suffering. I've done a lot of work on myself, through cognitive behavior therapy and other techniques, and I have a set of positive coping mechanisms that really work for me (yoga is the best!).
So part of my struggle is that I want my girlfriend to be happy, too. I'm pretty happy, and I want others around me to be happy. Being around negative people really wears me down. I understand that no one can (or necessarily should) be happy all the time, but I'd really rather not spend my time around negativity. The struggle comes because my girlfriend doesn't seem to know how to deal with her fears/worries/anxiety, and so she's miserable a lot. At least, that's my perception. And I don't want her to be miserable, so I do what I can - I am a good listener, I'm supportive, I empathize and hug her and am generally caring toward her. It's something that I believe people should do for each other when they love each other, and she does it for me, too -- but the proportions are off because she's in a negative space so much more often. And meanwhile, she's trying to wean herself OFF of her antianxiety medication.
I totally get that it's not my place to help her with her anxiety - she has a therapist and a psychiatrist and a circle of close, long-term friendships, after all. And it's definitely not my place to manage her medications or whatever. I don't want to be involved in all that, frankly -- in my past relationships, I've ended up in a caretaker role that I didn't want and really don't want to repeat. But what ends up happening is that I hear a lot more about her anxiety than any of her friends or even her therapist, because I spend a whole lot more time with her than anyone else.
So here are the questions: how can I preserve my own happy life while dating an anxious, negative person? Are anxious people always going to be attracted to me because opposites attract? If I do decide to move on, how can I avoid getting involved with yet another anxious person?
My girlfriend not only has bipolar disorder, but is also anxious. I didn't realize it at first, or maybe I would not have kept seeing her, because I know from past experience that it is not a trait that I desire in a mate. I've had three prior girlfriends who were the same way: anxious, high-strung, hyperbolic, neurotic, and negative. I love my girlfriend for her many stellar qualities: she's super smart, attractive, kind, and really great in bed, and we are compatible on many levels. Unfortunately, the anxiety is really hard for me to deal with. For example, she worries a lot about her family and friends and talks about their awful situations a lot -- she's really empathetic, which I get and appreciate, but also overly involved from my perspective (I guess it just seems like she does a lot of catastrophizing and exaggeratedly, dramatically, lamenting their situations). She also perseverates about our relationship and worries/frets about her job, her roommate, her family, her health, and on and on. It seems like everything really affects her and gets to her in a way that seems really unhealthy.
I'm not an anxious person, never have been. When I am worried about something, I am pretty good at talking myself down off the ledge and just self-soothing in general. No one in my family has an anxiety disorder that I know of. I've had depression in the past, and I've dealt with some substance abuse issues in the past, but these days, I'm in a really good place. I'm happy, positive, and optimistic. I'm easy going and a bit of a hedonist - I am all about avoiding pain and suffering. I've done a lot of work on myself, through cognitive behavior therapy and other techniques, and I have a set of positive coping mechanisms that really work for me (yoga is the best!).
So part of my struggle is that I want my girlfriend to be happy, too. I'm pretty happy, and I want others around me to be happy. Being around negative people really wears me down. I understand that no one can (or necessarily should) be happy all the time, but I'd really rather not spend my time around negativity. The struggle comes because my girlfriend doesn't seem to know how to deal with her fears/worries/anxiety, and so she's miserable a lot. At least, that's my perception. And I don't want her to be miserable, so I do what I can - I am a good listener, I'm supportive, I empathize and hug her and am generally caring toward her. It's something that I believe people should do for each other when they love each other, and she does it for me, too -- but the proportions are off because she's in a negative space so much more often. And meanwhile, she's trying to wean herself OFF of her antianxiety medication.
I totally get that it's not my place to help her with her anxiety - she has a therapist and a psychiatrist and a circle of close, long-term friendships, after all. And it's definitely not my place to manage her medications or whatever. I don't want to be involved in all that, frankly -- in my past relationships, I've ended up in a caretaker role that I didn't want and really don't want to repeat. But what ends up happening is that I hear a lot more about her anxiety than any of her friends or even her therapist, because I spend a whole lot more time with her than anyone else.
So here are the questions: how can I preserve my own happy life while dating an anxious, negative person? Are anxious people always going to be attracted to me because opposites attract? If I do decide to move on, how can I avoid getting involved with yet another anxious person?
Wow, from the way your question is worded, it sort of sounds like you've already made up your mind.
Is your girlfriend expecting you to be a caretaker? Or is that a role you're taking on yourself?
As a fellow anxiety sufferer who also has a therapist/psychiatrist/close-knit group of friends, I feel for your girlfriend.
It sounds like you are not a good fit. In her current mental health state she needs more than someone who speaks so negatively about her condition. People with anxiety and bipolar have a medical condition, she can't think her way out of this and needs more positive support than someone who seems to think she should just be able to "deal" with the symptoms of her illness.
If you truly do want to try to make this work rather than looking for validation here that it's ok to break up, here's what's helped me in the past: my partner gently alerting me that I was catastrophizing and needed to take a step back, or steering the conversation / my thoughts to more factual, definable positive things.
posted by raw sugar at 11:10 PM on November 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
Is your girlfriend expecting you to be a caretaker? Or is that a role you're taking on yourself?
As a fellow anxiety sufferer who also has a therapist/psychiatrist/close-knit group of friends, I feel for your girlfriend.
It sounds like you are not a good fit. In her current mental health state she needs more than someone who speaks so negatively about her condition. People with anxiety and bipolar have a medical condition, she can't think her way out of this and needs more positive support than someone who seems to think she should just be able to "deal" with the symptoms of her illness.
If you truly do want to try to make this work rather than looking for validation here that it's ok to break up, here's what's helped me in the past: my partner gently alerting me that I was catastrophizing and needed to take a step back, or steering the conversation / my thoughts to more factual, definable positive things.
posted by raw sugar at 11:10 PM on November 19, 2015 [14 favorites]
Anxious people are probably attracted to your laid back persona. You are probably attracted to them because their anxiety prompts them to take charge, make plans, and react quickly in order relieve their anxiety. Maybe you are attracted to these women because you are too laid back to make your own plans or assert yourself. With this interpretation, laid back reads more like passive.
How to avoid in the future? I'm pretty sure you can detect anxiety in a person way before you make them your girlfriend.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:29 PM on November 19, 2015 [33 favorites]
How to avoid in the future? I'm pretty sure you can detect anxiety in a person way before you make them your girlfriend.
posted by charlielxxv at 11:29 PM on November 19, 2015 [33 favorites]
If you want to stay with your girlfriend, see a therapist yourself. Learn how to communicate, empathize and show support without getting pulled down into the negativity you feel.
posted by HMSSM at 11:48 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by HMSSM at 11:48 PM on November 19, 2015 [3 favorites]
Maybe you are attracted to these women because you are too laid back to make your own plans or assert yourself.
And/or, the qualities you appreciate (being "super smart" especially) are ones that are (in some people) energized by a fundamental anxiety, and hard to disentangle from it. Maybe those qualities, expressed together with a sort of nervous vulnerability, inspire you to feel protective towards these women, and maybe that's mixed in with attraction? (I don't know, just guessing. In reading your question, I was reminded of a friend who was attracted to someone who might be like your gf - used the phrase "beautiful, strange bird".)
If that's anywhere in the right ballpark, I'd say, if someone makes you feel like you want to take care of or protect them, don't date them. Tweaking attraction is hard, though, admittedly. Do you ever find yourself attracted to confident, non-anxious women? Maybe give them more of a shot.
Are anxious people always going to be attracted to me because opposites attract?
Maybe, but like attracts like, too, and I agree with dame that you've got more say in what actually happens than you might think.
(Also… I've been on both sides, and it is stressful to be around someone who's almost constantly expressing negative emotions, and it is a lot of work to exclusively take the role of the supporter or cheerleader, in an unbalanced relationship like that. I think it's fair enough to feel worn out by it.)
I think raw sugar's advice is good, if you decide you do want to stay - it would help you establish boundaries while also helping your partner out. There is still an imbalance there, though, in that you'd be taking responsibility for doing that kind of work. I guess you'd have to be ok with that. I wouldn't consider you a terrible person if it turned out you weren't so ok with it, fwiw.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:52 PM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
And/or, the qualities you appreciate (being "super smart" especially) are ones that are (in some people) energized by a fundamental anxiety, and hard to disentangle from it. Maybe those qualities, expressed together with a sort of nervous vulnerability, inspire you to feel protective towards these women, and maybe that's mixed in with attraction? (I don't know, just guessing. In reading your question, I was reminded of a friend who was attracted to someone who might be like your gf - used the phrase "beautiful, strange bird".)
If that's anywhere in the right ballpark, I'd say, if someone makes you feel like you want to take care of or protect them, don't date them. Tweaking attraction is hard, though, admittedly. Do you ever find yourself attracted to confident, non-anxious women? Maybe give them more of a shot.
Are anxious people always going to be attracted to me because opposites attract?
Maybe, but like attracts like, too, and I agree with dame that you've got more say in what actually happens than you might think.
(Also… I've been on both sides, and it is stressful to be around someone who's almost constantly expressing negative emotions, and it is a lot of work to exclusively take the role of the supporter or cheerleader, in an unbalanced relationship like that. I think it's fair enough to feel worn out by it.)
I think raw sugar's advice is good, if you decide you do want to stay - it would help you establish boundaries while also helping your partner out. There is still an imbalance there, though, in that you'd be taking responsibility for doing that kind of work. I guess you'd have to be ok with that. I wouldn't consider you a terrible person if it turned out you weren't so ok with it, fwiw.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:52 PM on November 19, 2015 [7 favorites]
Respectfully, you need to reframe this if you want to avoid this pattern in the future. You are not an anxious person magnet. You are, for whatever reason, choosing to become involved with people suffering from anxiety. I hate to bang the old askmefi drum, but it's probably something best left to a therapist to help you unravel.
posted by arha at 11:53 PM on November 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by arha at 11:53 PM on November 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
anxious, high-strung, hyperbolic, neurotic, and negative
These are traits that are usually not a secret. If you keep ending up in these relationships, you need to start to recognize your part of this dance. If you are surprised to find out your girlfriend has issues with anxiety, either you haven't been paying attention, you are moving too fast without getting to know her or you are ignoring the obvious. You need to figure out what it is so YOU can be different next time.
I agree that your current relationship is not a good match - she deserves someone who appreciates her the way she is, you deserve a partner that you can be accepting and caring towards. Move on - but maybe consider a little interspection or therapy first.
posted by metahawk at 11:54 PM on November 19, 2015 [17 favorites]
These are traits that are usually not a secret. If you keep ending up in these relationships, you need to start to recognize your part of this dance. If you are surprised to find out your girlfriend has issues with anxiety, either you haven't been paying attention, you are moving too fast without getting to know her or you are ignoring the obvious. You need to figure out what it is so YOU can be different next time.
I agree that your current relationship is not a good match - she deserves someone who appreciates her the way she is, you deserve a partner that you can be accepting and caring towards. Move on - but maybe consider a little interspection or therapy first.
posted by metahawk at 11:54 PM on November 19, 2015 [17 favorites]
You're not attracting them.
You're choosing them.
Focus on your own head, not someone else's.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:23 AM on November 20, 2015 [72 favorites]
You're choosing them.
Focus on your own head, not someone else's.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:23 AM on November 20, 2015 [72 favorites]
I'm no expert, but it seems that there is a lot written about the attraction between anxious and avoidant personality types. 1, 2, just from a quick search. If this is the case, your repeated selection of anxious partners may be related to this: "Due to their defense mechanism of self-sufficiency, the avoidant likes to feel psychologically stronger than their partner. They can not feel stronger than another avoidant or a secure partner who would not be bothered by their behavior. They can only feel this way with an anxious partner."
Your anxious partners may be attracted to you for what they see as strong tendencies: "Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had."
Perhaps some reading about this and maybe relationship counseling could make this dynamic clearer to both of you if this is part of the problem, and maybe enable you both to work through your own (and shared) issues together.
posted by taz at 1:15 AM on November 20, 2015 [31 favorites]
Your anxious partners may be attracted to you for what they see as strong tendencies: "Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had."
Perhaps some reading about this and maybe relationship counseling could make this dynamic clearer to both of you if this is part of the problem, and maybe enable you both to work through your own (and shared) issues together.
posted by taz at 1:15 AM on November 20, 2015 [31 favorites]
Are you really laid back or is her anxiety bringing out your own anxiety? I'm like you are about needing to be around positive people and vibes, and I have to remove myself from people giving off anxious vibes.
But I'll tell you this---it's because I am an anxious person when surrounded by anxious people. I'm highly sensitive to other folks' emotional energy. I just sop it all up and it weighs on me when it's people just being nervous and cynical out loud.
In the short term, break up with your gf. In the longterm, keep working on your own anxiety and learn how to not tune in and absorb the anxiety, stress and negative energy of the people in your space.
There was an article about this, and I'll MeMail you if I find it.
posted by discopolo at 2:43 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
But I'll tell you this---it's because I am an anxious person when surrounded by anxious people. I'm highly sensitive to other folks' emotional energy. I just sop it all up and it weighs on me when it's people just being nervous and cynical out loud.
In the short term, break up with your gf. In the longterm, keep working on your own anxiety and learn how to not tune in and absorb the anxiety, stress and negative energy of the people in your space.
There was an article about this, and I'll MeMail you if I find it.
posted by discopolo at 2:43 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I suffer from OCD but work very hard to keep a lid on my anxious thought patterns. I focus very hard on maintaining emotional equilibrium. If I am even feeling slightly vulnerable, and I am in the company of a friend who's struggling with their anxiety at that point, it DEFINITELY gets me down and sets off my own OCD and anxiety issues - it is almost like clockwork.
So I feel for you. Without meaning to be insensitive to anyone suffering from depression and anxiety (I AM one), it is incredibly emotionally exhausting to have to be the constant positive cheerleader to someone who is always expressing negative emotions. I know because I have been there.
All I can do in those situations is kindly but firmly remove myself until I'm either feeling stronger, or the situation is less fraught (a group hang-out for example is going to be less fraught than a one on one get together). I know that with a girlfriend it's much more complicated than that because you can't just go off whenever you need the space and you can't always make it into a group situation. I can't tell you what to do, but make sure you put on your own oxygen mask first whatever you decide.
I can't tell you how to avoid ending up dating similar people in future. I do know from my own experience that people who are smart, switched on and caring are often anxious, it's like a side effect of being aware of what's going on around you. But it would be ridiculous to advise you to avoid intelligent, caring women. I think you need to work on your own self-care, look at your behaviour and see whether it is enabling or feeding the anxious behaviour of others, and come up with a game plan of how to take care of yourself when others are getting you down.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:04 AM on November 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
So I feel for you. Without meaning to be insensitive to anyone suffering from depression and anxiety (I AM one), it is incredibly emotionally exhausting to have to be the constant positive cheerleader to someone who is always expressing negative emotions. I know because I have been there.
All I can do in those situations is kindly but firmly remove myself until I'm either feeling stronger, or the situation is less fraught (a group hang-out for example is going to be less fraught than a one on one get together). I know that with a girlfriend it's much more complicated than that because you can't just go off whenever you need the space and you can't always make it into a group situation. I can't tell you what to do, but make sure you put on your own oxygen mask first whatever you decide.
I can't tell you how to avoid ending up dating similar people in future. I do know from my own experience that people who are smart, switched on and caring are often anxious, it's like a side effect of being aware of what's going on around you. But it would be ridiculous to advise you to avoid intelligent, caring women. I think you need to work on your own self-care, look at your behaviour and see whether it is enabling or feeding the anxious behaviour of others, and come up with a game plan of how to take care of yourself when others are getting you down.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:04 AM on November 20, 2015 [8 favorites]
There are some great books out there perfect for these situations.
One is the Co-Dependent No More series by Beattie? The other is Al-Anon literature on how to deal an alcoholic family member. Both are centered on letting go of taking care of others and bringing the focus back to yourself. It'll take you a week to read them both, why not try?
Two: I, too, am interested in why all these women are attracted to you. You are the common denominator. Why are you picking them? Why are they picking you? What are you doing to contribute to their anxiety? Have you asked them if their anxiety got worse when they started dating you? You might be engaging in behavior you're not even aware of. It's something to look into.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:52 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
One is the Co-Dependent No More series by Beattie? The other is Al-Anon literature on how to deal an alcoholic family member. Both are centered on letting go of taking care of others and bringing the focus back to yourself. It'll take you a week to read them both, why not try?
Two: I, too, am interested in why all these women are attracted to you. You are the common denominator. Why are you picking them? Why are they picking you? What are you doing to contribute to their anxiety? Have you asked them if their anxiety got worse when they started dating you? You might be engaging in behavior you're not even aware of. It's something to look into.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:52 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Well... like, anxiety's not particularly rare. It could be that you haven't been disproportionately dating neurotic unicorns, but rather a fairly representative slice of the population.
I have a (totally-not-based-on-evidence, amateur-layperson's) hypothesis that anxiety is more commonly identified in women because women are expected to do emotional labor - I know that's practically a MeFi cliché by now, but I think it's worth thinking about in your case. Your description of her makes her sound mostly like she's just really tuned in to people around her, and for someone like that, it can get really exhausting when things aren't going smoothly in their social circles.
And maybe she processes her concerns by talking about them at length, which is fine; it's also fine for you to not be willing or able to be her sounding board all the time, and she should find a different one. It is fine and sometimes necessary to say "I love you and I care about you, but I can't be your only source of support and I need you to do X, Y, and Z for the health of our relationship."
And, truth be told, if you're "all about avoiding pain and suffering"... maybe you're not worrying enough. Do you tend to see sadness, fear, and worry as pathological emotions, things that need to be fixed or avoided? That won't do you well in long-term relationships, because shit does pop up.
This is not to say you're wrong and she's right, or that she's healthy and you're the one who needs work. It is exhausting to be someone's primary emotional support, and everyone has to take care of themselves. And if she's been taking prescription medications for anxiety, it's a legit issue. But there is a continuum, and maybe it's the case that her anxiety is too severe and needs better management and your tolerance for anxiety is a little too low, and both ends could be brought in towards the middle. Maybe in this relationship they'll never meet, but if not it will still help each of you in future relationships.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:50 AM on November 20, 2015 [27 favorites]
I have a (totally-not-based-on-evidence, amateur-layperson's) hypothesis that anxiety is more commonly identified in women because women are expected to do emotional labor - I know that's practically a MeFi cliché by now, but I think it's worth thinking about in your case. Your description of her makes her sound mostly like she's just really tuned in to people around her, and for someone like that, it can get really exhausting when things aren't going smoothly in their social circles.
And maybe she processes her concerns by talking about them at length, which is fine; it's also fine for you to not be willing or able to be her sounding board all the time, and she should find a different one. It is fine and sometimes necessary to say "I love you and I care about you, but I can't be your only source of support and I need you to do X, Y, and Z for the health of our relationship."
And, truth be told, if you're "all about avoiding pain and suffering"... maybe you're not worrying enough. Do you tend to see sadness, fear, and worry as pathological emotions, things that need to be fixed or avoided? That won't do you well in long-term relationships, because shit does pop up.
This is not to say you're wrong and she's right, or that she's healthy and you're the one who needs work. It is exhausting to be someone's primary emotional support, and everyone has to take care of themselves. And if she's been taking prescription medications for anxiety, it's a legit issue. But there is a continuum, and maybe it's the case that her anxiety is too severe and needs better management and your tolerance for anxiety is a little too low, and both ends could be brought in towards the middle. Maybe in this relationship they'll never meet, but if not it will still help each of you in future relationships.
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:50 AM on November 20, 2015 [27 favorites]
So part of my struggle is that I want my girlfriend to be happy, too... The struggle comes because my girlfriend doesn't seem to know how to deal with her fears/worries/anxiety, and so she's miserable a lot.
You know, she may well identify with her anxiety as part of her personality. Like she thinks that if she isn't unhappy and worrying about all of this stuff that she is "denying reality" or "being a bad friend."
You want her to be a person that she may not necessarily want to be. But it might help for you to say, "it is not normal to be catastrophizing and anxious about situations that have nothing to do with you all the time."
posted by deanc at 7:01 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
You know, she may well identify with her anxiety as part of her personality. Like she thinks that if she isn't unhappy and worrying about all of this stuff that she is "denying reality" or "being a bad friend."
You want her to be a person that she may not necessarily want to be. But it might help for you to say, "it is not normal to be catastrophizing and anxious about situations that have nothing to do with you all the time."
posted by deanc at 7:01 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe, if you show her enough love and support, she’ll relax and stop being so anxious all the time. If you’re there to soothe her when she’s upset, and if you can run interference between her and her problematic family, if you spend enough time telling her how wonderful and beautiful and good in bed she is, things will get better eventually. Surely, if you can show her the beauty in the world and continually remind her how people love and admire her, she’ll be happy, or, at least, happier, right? If she just could see herself as you see her…
I mean, if she developed a more-visible physical illness, you wouldn’t just dump her. If she were in an accident, broke her leg, ended up in a wheelchair, you’d feel bad about leaving her on her own. You wouldn’t stop seeing someone just because she was diagnosed with diabetes, or sciatica, right?
Others have said it’s not your job to fix her. I’m saying it’s not likely that you’ll fix her, and you’ll spend your life feeling frustrated and inadequate. It’s a loser’s game, and you’ll be the one who is continually brought down, even if you succeed in bringing her up. Cut ties now, not 3 years (or 10 or 15 years) from now. Yes, you do have a positive influence on her life, yes, you can make her life better, but you will be ground down in the process.
Not that I’ve been there, or anything.
posted by pupsocket at 7:02 AM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I mean, if she developed a more-visible physical illness, you wouldn’t just dump her. If she were in an accident, broke her leg, ended up in a wheelchair, you’d feel bad about leaving her on her own. You wouldn’t stop seeing someone just because she was diagnosed with diabetes, or sciatica, right?
Others have said it’s not your job to fix her. I’m saying it’s not likely that you’ll fix her, and you’ll spend your life feeling frustrated and inadequate. It’s a loser’s game, and you’ll be the one who is continually brought down, even if you succeed in bringing her up. Cut ties now, not 3 years (or 10 or 15 years) from now. Yes, you do have a positive influence on her life, yes, you can make her life better, but you will be ground down in the process.
Not that I’ve been there, or anything.
posted by pupsocket at 7:02 AM on November 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you don't want to date people with anxiety, that's understandable. But I think it's worth examining your question about whether anxious people are attracted to you because opposites attract. You are minimizing your own agency in two ways - by implying that you went out with these women because they were attracted to you (weren't you also attracted to them?) and by implying that this is all out of your hands and your partners' hands to some extent because hey, opposites attract, right?
Think of women in your life who you would describe as opposite of the traits you assigned to your current and former partners and more like you - positive, not high-strung, not anxious, not neurotic. Do you have any women like that in your life? Are you attracted to women like that? Have you dated any women like that? If not, why? Why are you repeatedly choosing to spend time with people who have attributes that you don't value in people?
I'm not convinced that you want to stay in your current relationship but if you do, I'd focus more on your girlfriend's negativity than her anxiety. I'd also work on coming up with a script for the conversations you have repeatedly. And you can cut her off - it's hard but you can say, "can we talk about something else?" But I'd also urge you to work on compassion for people with anxiety, because compassion is healthy and because you could experience it in the future. You suffered from depression previously. I had depression before I started feeling anxiety. When my husband and I started seeing each other, he was a chill, laid-back guy. Since then, he's gone through periods of anxiety. I would feel hypocritical for writing people off for suffering from a condition for which I was also at risk.
posted by kat518 at 7:21 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Think of women in your life who you would describe as opposite of the traits you assigned to your current and former partners and more like you - positive, not high-strung, not anxious, not neurotic. Do you have any women like that in your life? Are you attracted to women like that? Have you dated any women like that? If not, why? Why are you repeatedly choosing to spend time with people who have attributes that you don't value in people?
I'm not convinced that you want to stay in your current relationship but if you do, I'd focus more on your girlfriend's negativity than her anxiety. I'd also work on coming up with a script for the conversations you have repeatedly. And you can cut her off - it's hard but you can say, "can we talk about something else?" But I'd also urge you to work on compassion for people with anxiety, because compassion is healthy and because you could experience it in the future. You suffered from depression previously. I had depression before I started feeling anxiety. When my husband and I started seeing each other, he was a chill, laid-back guy. Since then, he's gone through periods of anxiety. I would feel hypocritical for writing people off for suffering from a condition for which I was also at risk.
posted by kat518 at 7:21 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
"...because I know from past experience that it is not a trait that I desire in a mate"
Seems pretty clear to me. If you are explicitly saying that this trait she has isn't what you want in a mate, why are you dating her? The only things I can think of are you are either trying to fix her (which is probably not going to happen) or you really DO desire it and you just can't admit it to yourself.
Either split from her or accept the fact that you actually do like this kind of thing.
posted by _DB_ at 7:22 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seems pretty clear to me. If you are explicitly saying that this trait she has isn't what you want in a mate, why are you dating her? The only things I can think of are you are either trying to fix her (which is probably not going to happen) or you really DO desire it and you just can't admit it to yourself.
Either split from her or accept the fact that you actually do like this kind of thing.
posted by _DB_ at 7:22 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I had a boyfriend like you and he was such a trial. I love to complain and tend to seek out others who love to complain so that we can all complain together gloriously, usually while doing other fun things like cooking or hiking or drinking or going to the flea market. Your girlfriend probably hasn't figured out, yet, what a downer the relentlessly, proudly positive among us, the happy types that want everybody else to be happy, too, can be, but when she does, she'll find her way to the whiners in her sphere and then will start having the kind of fun she deserves. Nothing is better than a big negativityfest with your dearest negative nelly friends.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:34 AM on November 20, 2015 [19 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:34 AM on November 20, 2015 [19 favorites]
You probably need to take a hard look at whether you're initially attracted to the drama and hot sex and decide to overlook all this stuff you don't like...until the limerance wears off and you realize you've done it again.
If you don't want to do this anymore, you'll have to make and enforce boundaries, and have the strength of character to disengage when you realize someone isn't a personality type you're looking to be with. And reframe your narrative, because this isn't happening to you in a series of unbelievable accidents. Learn to self-monitor and shut yourself down instead of letting adrenaline and hormones call the shots.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:54 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
If you don't want to do this anymore, you'll have to make and enforce boundaries, and have the strength of character to disengage when you realize someone isn't a personality type you're looking to be with. And reframe your narrative, because this isn't happening to you in a series of unbelievable accidents. Learn to self-monitor and shut yourself down instead of letting adrenaline and hormones call the shots.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:54 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
It seems pretty clear that you should break up with your girlfriend, so I'm not going to pile on with that. What I will say is that I'm probably like your girlfriend, and my spouse also has GAD pretty severely. One thing I realized a few months ago was that me talking about $anxietymakingstuff only stressed us both out. I like to talk and process through things. He hates with a passion listening to me ruminate out loud. I hate with a passion when he just tries to FIX whatever thing I am trying to wrap my head around. Since realizing this, I have made a concerted effort to work through things in morning pages/journaling, and leave him out of the loop. If I need real live people to talk through stuff, I talk to my mom or dear friends. I'm kind of sad not to be able to talk things through with him, but both of our mental health has improved immensely since I've cut back.
posted by instamatic at 8:10 AM on November 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by instamatic at 8:10 AM on November 20, 2015 [6 favorites]
Basically "My partner is not the way I'd like them to be, in a big way, that comes up regularly"
The "what do I do?" is a red herring at this point. Move on. Choose partners that are the way you'd like a partner to be. You are the common denominator here.
posted by French Fry at 8:18 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
The "what do I do?" is a red herring at this point. Move on. Choose partners that are the way you'd like a partner to be. You are the common denominator here.
posted by French Fry at 8:18 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm on the anxious side and I have a lovely calm husband and a lovely calm son. I actually believe anxious people can and likely are attracted to calmness. Have you been really clear to her about how demoralizing and depressing you find some of the worry conversations? There's got to be a worksheet for worriers out there somewhere. (Cognitive therapy talks about 'fortune teller error'. I think you can tweak your interaction style with your partner, but it may not bend very far. This sounds like a big incompatibility factor, maybe big enough to break up over.
I think the huge majority of American women are insecure. I'd believe a click bait article that said 87% or maybe even 97%. And most people put on their best face when dating and going on job interviews, but gradually reveal their true selves when they develop of level of trust with their partner. No one is 'normal'. We're all weird on the inside, deep behind our social face.
I encourage you to make a list of what you love about your partner. (You don't have to write it down, and for the love of god, don't put on paper what you don't love.) Most human beings are quite imperfect. In the future you could maybe date older women or women with smaller families? IDK.
posted by puddledork at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think the huge majority of American women are insecure. I'd believe a click bait article that said 87% or maybe even 97%. And most people put on their best face when dating and going on job interviews, but gradually reveal their true selves when they develop of level of trust with their partner. No one is 'normal'. We're all weird on the inside, deep behind our social face.
I encourage you to make a list of what you love about your partner. (You don't have to write it down, and for the love of god, don't put on paper what you don't love.) Most human beings are quite imperfect. In the future you could maybe date older women or women with smaller families? IDK.
posted by puddledork at 8:41 AM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've head at least one experience where I was very focused on someone else's supposed psychological flaws (in comparison to how good I thought I was) and then come to realize how much my discomfort etc. was about me and my psychology. As discopolo asked, "Are you really laid back or is her anxiety bringing out your own?"
A fundamental shift is possible, away from "I'm good and she's bad" to "I have these needs, and it's not her job to meet them; I can find a way to take care of myself." The next time you're feeling critical of her in your head, try tapping into what is going on for you -- what is / was the external situation? were there particular feelings that got triggered?
Another part of that fundamental shift is to insist with yourself on thinking about and treating her with respect. If you don't respect her, don't be with her. If you choose to stay with her, respect her. Respect includes thoughts like "she is who she is, and that's her right to be that way; she doesn't have to change just because something else would be easier for me." That's different than the kind of labeling and possibly (unconscious) blaming that is occurring now. As you better understand what's going on for you, it's totally fair game to explain your feelings and why something she does is hard for you, but it all needs to start from a position of respect.
Couples counseling can help with this. This process may also lead to you to conclude that the best way to meet your own needs for cheer, etc., will be to break up with her. What's not very healthy is sticking around her but having all these negative thoughts about her.
posted by salvia at 9:16 AM on November 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
A fundamental shift is possible, away from "I'm good and she's bad" to "I have these needs, and it's not her job to meet them; I can find a way to take care of myself." The next time you're feeling critical of her in your head, try tapping into what is going on for you -- what is / was the external situation? were there particular feelings that got triggered?
Another part of that fundamental shift is to insist with yourself on thinking about and treating her with respect. If you don't respect her, don't be with her. If you choose to stay with her, respect her. Respect includes thoughts like "she is who she is, and that's her right to be that way; she doesn't have to change just because something else would be easier for me." That's different than the kind of labeling and possibly (unconscious) blaming that is occurring now. As you better understand what's going on for you, it's totally fair game to explain your feelings and why something she does is hard for you, but it all needs to start from a position of respect.
Couples counseling can help with this. This process may also lead to you to conclude that the best way to meet your own needs for cheer, etc., will be to break up with her. What's not very healthy is sticking around her but having all these negative thoughts about her.
posted by salvia at 9:16 AM on November 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
I guess what I don't understand about this is, if you are as calm as you say you are, why are you so upset by her anxiety? In other words, is it really true that you aren't an anxious person?
I can be a fairly negative and stressed person, and my partner is actually very calm and positive. They do not get overly stressed out by my stress and they are compassionate and understanding of my "negativity". They are emotionally available for me to process things with and they are effective in helping to improve my mood when I'm feeling low. We both take responsibility for our own self-care, but we also feel comfortable leaning on the other when necessary.
I think you should focus on your own therapy and your own self-care, as well as figuring out why you have such a persistent attraction to "anxious" people as well as a strong reaction to your partner's negativity.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:19 AM on November 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
I can be a fairly negative and stressed person, and my partner is actually very calm and positive. They do not get overly stressed out by my stress and they are compassionate and understanding of my "negativity". They are emotionally available for me to process things with and they are effective in helping to improve my mood when I'm feeling low. We both take responsibility for our own self-care, but we also feel comfortable leaning on the other when necessary.
I think you should focus on your own therapy and your own self-care, as well as figuring out why you have such a persistent attraction to "anxious" people as well as a strong reaction to your partner's negativity.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:19 AM on November 20, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't think it's so strange that you would end up unknowingly with anxious people. Anxiety is probably really common and I'm sure lots of people hide it. I do, since for me it's both private and somewhat embarrassing.
To detect anxious women, you could try to bring it up earlier in dating. Like "my office mate was getting so worked up about everything that could go wrong with our new project. I felt bad for him; I'm more laid back." And see how she reacts?
If you do want to make it work with an anxious person, then i think it's a question of boundaries. My wife won't endlessly reassure my anxious thinking because a) that's actually really bad for anxiety and b) it's exhausting. Instead she'll say something like "I'm really tired. Why don't you make yourself a cup of tea?" which puts the responsibility back on me to self - soothe and reminds me that whatever I'm worried about isn't really the problem.
posted by Gravel at 9:19 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
To detect anxious women, you could try to bring it up earlier in dating. Like "my office mate was getting so worked up about everything that could go wrong with our new project. I felt bad for him; I'm more laid back." And see how she reacts?
If you do want to make it work with an anxious person, then i think it's a question of boundaries. My wife won't endlessly reassure my anxious thinking because a) that's actually really bad for anxiety and b) it's exhausting. Instead she'll say something like "I'm really tired. Why don't you make yourself a cup of tea?" which puts the responsibility back on me to self - soothe and reminds me that whatever I'm worried about isn't really the problem.
posted by Gravel at 9:19 AM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Man… I see where others are coming from, about people enjoying complaining and having fun at the same time, and women being more inclined to emotional labour and that being part of a continuum, processing things by talking, etc.
But all that is pretty different from the constant buzzing and ceaseless internal nattering of GAD. (Which I used to have & have been treated for & very, very luckily no longer have.) Could be wrong but it sounds to me like that's the kind of anxiety your gf is dealing with, maybe pretty severely. She's been taking meds for it, she's got a care team, and although you might be biased and seeing negativity where it isn't, I believe you when you say she's mostly miserable, most of the time, and that you're trying and wish that she were happier.
When I was in my early 20s, I had a sweet, kind boyfriend who liked me a lot and did everything possible to reassure me. I worried about my classes, my roommates, what I was going to do with my life, my family, my body.. Nothing he could say or do was enough. One anxious thought might temporarily be replaced by another one. Then another would come by, a new one, the old one back again- it all just went in circles, it never stopped or even rested, it was like being at the mercy of a spinning top inside my head. It's not even like one would die down, it's more like another would just come to the forefront and overshadow it for a bit. Forget sleeping in an easy way. Not to mention feeling bodily tension most of the time, which led to muscle pain and more anxiety about that...
I even wonder if his attempts to reassure me might have reinforced my verbalizing of it (which I think probably augmented my anxiety, vs quieting it down). I ended up breaking up with him for unrelated reasons, but felt pretty bad, later, about how much he had to put up with.
People are saying, "oh everyone gets anxious, most women are anxious" - yeah, people do and most women are to some degree, but occasional anxiety and being a talker are not the same thing as GAD, and it just is hard work to be close to someone with that problem. Because you care about them, and want to help, but you just can't, because it's a job that's never done, the GAD will just manufacture more worry. Until she gets help that sticks. I don't think it's cool that people are shaming you for being burned out by emotional labour - OP is performing tons of it btw.
I mean, there's hope for her. (Like I still worry about particular things, but not in anything like the pathological way it was before (i.e. severely, relentlessly) - it's not overwhelming, and I'm relaxed most of the time. With the GAD, there was no forgetting anything.) But you don't have to wait.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
But all that is pretty different from the constant buzzing and ceaseless internal nattering of GAD. (Which I used to have & have been treated for & very, very luckily no longer have.) Could be wrong but it sounds to me like that's the kind of anxiety your gf is dealing with, maybe pretty severely. She's been taking meds for it, she's got a care team, and although you might be biased and seeing negativity where it isn't, I believe you when you say she's mostly miserable, most of the time, and that you're trying and wish that she were happier.
When I was in my early 20s, I had a sweet, kind boyfriend who liked me a lot and did everything possible to reassure me. I worried about my classes, my roommates, what I was going to do with my life, my family, my body.. Nothing he could say or do was enough. One anxious thought might temporarily be replaced by another one. Then another would come by, a new one, the old one back again- it all just went in circles, it never stopped or even rested, it was like being at the mercy of a spinning top inside my head. It's not even like one would die down, it's more like another would just come to the forefront and overshadow it for a bit. Forget sleeping in an easy way. Not to mention feeling bodily tension most of the time, which led to muscle pain and more anxiety about that...
I even wonder if his attempts to reassure me might have reinforced my verbalizing of it (which I think probably augmented my anxiety, vs quieting it down). I ended up breaking up with him for unrelated reasons, but felt pretty bad, later, about how much he had to put up with.
People are saying, "oh everyone gets anxious, most women are anxious" - yeah, people do and most women are to some degree, but occasional anxiety and being a talker are not the same thing as GAD, and it just is hard work to be close to someone with that problem. Because you care about them, and want to help, but you just can't, because it's a job that's never done, the GAD will just manufacture more worry. Until she gets help that sticks. I don't think it's cool that people are shaming you for being burned out by emotional labour - OP is performing tons of it btw.
I mean, there's hope for her. (Like I still worry about particular things, but not in anything like the pathological way it was before (i.e. severely, relentlessly) - it's not overwhelming, and I'm relaxed most of the time. With the GAD, there was no forgetting anything.) But you don't have to wait.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:44 AM on November 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
And yet, my GAD was so much worse when I dated men who made me feel essentially defective for my anxiety and "negativity," and got so much better when I changed my life and married someone who understood.
All of which is to say, dating someone you don't respect is toxic & terrible and getting invested in a cultural narrative that pathologizes anxiety so you can justify your lack of respect is crap. I mean, people should date the kind of people they enjoy, but you can be kind about it.
posted by dame at 9:57 AM on November 20, 2015 [14 favorites]
All of which is to say, dating someone you don't respect is toxic & terrible and getting invested in a cultural narrative that pathologizes anxiety so you can justify your lack of respect is crap. I mean, people should date the kind of people they enjoy, but you can be kind about it.
posted by dame at 9:57 AM on November 20, 2015 [14 favorites]
I've been called negative and a pessimist on occasion by a couple of people I was close to - or at least, I THOUGHT I was close to. Turns out, they weren't really paying attention. Because if they had been, they'd have realized that what was really going on was that I'm way too much an optimist - and what they were hearing out loud was me talking myself down to a middle ground - because if I at least make a point of reminding myself, it doesn't hurt quite as much if things don't turn out as well as I'd hoped for.
I too, have anxiety issues - which I'm quite adept at handling on my own these days, thank you very much - but one thing that some guys don't seem to understand is that when I'm talking things out, sure, I'd love second opinions, viewpoints, and advice if they have them - but mostly what I need to do is sort things out, and I can't do that if it's all just swishing around in my head. But sometimes, a guy will get it in his head that if I'm telling him about it, that means I expect him to FIX IT FOR ME... and that is generally 1) the last thing I want, 2) almost certain to piss me off, because 3) chances are, they'll "fix" it in an inappropriate way that tends to make a bigger mess in the long run.
posted by stormyteal at 10:21 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I too, have anxiety issues - which I'm quite adept at handling on my own these days, thank you very much - but one thing that some guys don't seem to understand is that when I'm talking things out, sure, I'd love second opinions, viewpoints, and advice if they have them - but mostly what I need to do is sort things out, and I can't do that if it's all just swishing around in my head. But sometimes, a guy will get it in his head that if I'm telling him about it, that means I expect him to FIX IT FOR ME... and that is generally 1) the last thing I want, 2) almost certain to piss me off, because 3) chances are, they'll "fix" it in an inappropriate way that tends to make a bigger mess in the long run.
posted by stormyteal at 10:21 AM on November 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am a temperamental pessimist. In my life, things are either going wrong, or I am worrying about the consequences of something, or I am haunted by the specter of previous decisions. However, I am very much against dumping that on other people, other than my therapist whom I pay for the privilege of guiding me through my problems and the reason I do so is because I realized how much of a mess I was making of my life. And it drives me nuts when I have to listen to an unedited barrage of repetitive problems from other people that they do nothing to solve or angst about things that happened long ago.
People complain or vent because it fulfills a need they have. They have the same problems over and over again because it is more difficult to solve the problem than to get temporary mental relief by venting about it when the problem comes up again. And part of my reaction is, "well why were you complaining? Shouldn't you be used to the idea that things are always difficult?" [i am getting better about revising this attitude]
What I am trying to say is that even if a person is a pessimist or has a lot to complain about doesn't mean that person is automatically going to dump those issues on everyone else. Your girlfriend is not doing this because she is a pessimist and it will be solved by making her happy or because she has anxiety and it will be solved by treating it. She does it because she needs and outlet for her complaints, and you are that convenient nearby outlet. How you deal with that is up to you.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 1:07 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
People complain or vent because it fulfills a need they have. They have the same problems over and over again because it is more difficult to solve the problem than to get temporary mental relief by venting about it when the problem comes up again. And part of my reaction is, "well why were you complaining? Shouldn't you be used to the idea that things are always difficult?" [i am getting better about revising this attitude]
What I am trying to say is that even if a person is a pessimist or has a lot to complain about doesn't mean that person is automatically going to dump those issues on everyone else. Your girlfriend is not doing this because she is a pessimist and it will be solved by making her happy or because she has anxiety and it will be solved by treating it. She does it because she needs and outlet for her complaints, and you are that convenient nearby outlet. How you deal with that is up to you.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 1:07 PM on November 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
You can try bringing it up with your girlfriend gently, and see if she wants your help to be more aware of her anxious spirals, which will give her an opportunity to put to work those mental exercises her psychiatrist probably gave her if she talked about it with them.
But, if she isn't aware this is a problem, or not prepared to try and mitigate her behavior in a healthy rational adult way, she may develop this into its own anxiety-inducing situation where she can't be herself around you, she starts withholding information from you for fear of your criticism, and it drives a wedge between you and you will eventually break up.
Depends on how nicely and sensitively you can bring this up, and how irrationally anxious she is. And whether you're willing to put the time in and work on this with her, or if you expect it to just magically stop after you mention it.
posted by lizbunny at 2:44 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
But, if she isn't aware this is a problem, or not prepared to try and mitigate her behavior in a healthy rational adult way, she may develop this into its own anxiety-inducing situation where she can't be herself around you, she starts withholding information from you for fear of your criticism, and it drives a wedge between you and you will eventually break up.
Depends on how nicely and sensitively you can bring this up, and how irrationally anxious she is. And whether you're willing to put the time in and work on this with her, or if you expect it to just magically stop after you mention it.
posted by lizbunny at 2:44 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
The spirals could be happening because there is something she's trying to get out the conversation and isn't getting it. Unfortunately we can't guess what it is-- several commenters above have mentioned that maybe you're trying to Fix when she just wants to Vent. But if she were me, she'd be trying to Fix and very annoyed that you were only supportive with the Venting.
Really, the only person who can tell you how to better handle this is her. If you want to stay together, it's worth having a metaconversation sometime about how these conversations go. You're unhappy with their pathway and outcome. Maybe she is too. Ask her what she wants to get out of a conversation about bad things happening to other people she knows. Once you know what she wants, tell her what *you* want out of such a conversation. Make sure to have this metaconversation well separated from any of the conversations themselves.
If what you both want isn't compatible though, either she needs other sources of support, or y'all have to split up. (Likely both.)
posted by nat at 7:29 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Really, the only person who can tell you how to better handle this is her. If you want to stay together, it's worth having a metaconversation sometime about how these conversations go. You're unhappy with their pathway and outcome. Maybe she is too. Ask her what she wants to get out of a conversation about bad things happening to other people she knows. Once you know what she wants, tell her what *you* want out of such a conversation. Make sure to have this metaconversation well separated from any of the conversations themselves.
If what you both want isn't compatible though, either she needs other sources of support, or y'all have to split up. (Likely both.)
posted by nat at 7:29 PM on November 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
I hope you get the chance to read this, even though I'm late to the commenting party. One of my close friends has bipolar disorder, and I've often been frustrated with interactions with her which mirror very closely your frustrations with your girlfriend.
However, I've put a good bit of time into reading about bipolar disorder and it's associated anxiety and our relationship has improved so much, I no longer feel buffeted about on the winds of her mood, and I think she feels much calmer and supported around me too. Over the last decade or more I've sometimes had a sneaking suspicion that she was dramatising situations for attention, which is a corrosive thing to think about a close friend - that's gone now I understand things a bit more.
From my reading, it seems that people with bipolar disorder are enormously sensitive to others emotions and empathetic to situations, which seems to jibe with what you're saying. Nothing you can do about that, as you say you're not her therapist.
However, what you CAN do is listen calmly and accept the emotional truth of what she's saying.
I have been very guilty of saying things like 'oh it's not that bad', 'I'm sure she/you/that situation will be fine, don't worry' and it turns out that dismissing or minimising concerns the person has, is the WORST thing you can do! Which I wish I'd known earlier as really it's my whole modus operand as, I'm fairly calm and not that prone to panic, so will often minimalise stuff while I cope with it.
The other thing that all this reading and thinking has shown me, is that the situation is not 'she is kinda fucked, and I am basically mentally healthy and strong' - which was an unhealthy lurking dynamic in the way I approached things - the situation is more that we are all here to learn about ourselves and others, I have a lot of hidden corners too. There is a way of being compassionate without being full of pity, and frankly it's a relief for me to have found it after all these years. Have learnt a lot about myself.
One last thing, these disorders are all on a spectrum, sometimes it's called borderline personality disorder, sometimes bi-polar, sometimes emotional regulation dysfunction. Not that they are one and the same at all, but there does seem to be an overlap, and some folk get diagnosed with these disorders at different points in their lives. So it can also be useful to read around those disorders (particularly emotional reg) too.
I'm not going to give any specific links, but google is your friend, steer clear of those stupid pop psychology sites. Good luck to you and your erstwhile partner
posted by stevedawg at 2:35 AM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
However, I've put a good bit of time into reading about bipolar disorder and it's associated anxiety and our relationship has improved so much, I no longer feel buffeted about on the winds of her mood, and I think she feels much calmer and supported around me too. Over the last decade or more I've sometimes had a sneaking suspicion that she was dramatising situations for attention, which is a corrosive thing to think about a close friend - that's gone now I understand things a bit more.
From my reading, it seems that people with bipolar disorder are enormously sensitive to others emotions and empathetic to situations, which seems to jibe with what you're saying. Nothing you can do about that, as you say you're not her therapist.
However, what you CAN do is listen calmly and accept the emotional truth of what she's saying.
I have been very guilty of saying things like 'oh it's not that bad', 'I'm sure she/you/that situation will be fine, don't worry' and it turns out that dismissing or minimising concerns the person has, is the WORST thing you can do! Which I wish I'd known earlier as really it's my whole modus operand as, I'm fairly calm and not that prone to panic, so will often minimalise stuff while I cope with it.
The other thing that all this reading and thinking has shown me, is that the situation is not 'she is kinda fucked, and I am basically mentally healthy and strong' - which was an unhealthy lurking dynamic in the way I approached things - the situation is more that we are all here to learn about ourselves and others, I have a lot of hidden corners too. There is a way of being compassionate without being full of pity, and frankly it's a relief for me to have found it after all these years. Have learnt a lot about myself.
One last thing, these disorders are all on a spectrum, sometimes it's called borderline personality disorder, sometimes bi-polar, sometimes emotional regulation dysfunction. Not that they are one and the same at all, but there does seem to be an overlap, and some folk get diagnosed with these disorders at different points in their lives. So it can also be useful to read around those disorders (particularly emotional reg) too.
I'm not going to give any specific links, but google is your friend, steer clear of those stupid pop psychology sites. Good luck to you and your erstwhile partner
posted by stevedawg at 2:35 AM on November 21, 2015 [6 favorites]
I would turn the question around. Instead of asking what is attracting anxious people to you, ask what it is about them that is so damn attractive to you. Maybe you will discover something about yourself. For example, I think often people who are codependent/adult children of alcoholics often feel comfortable in a caretaker role and date people who are also alcoholics/addicts and wind up taking care of them, and resenting them for it. And also conveniently using the addict's problems as an excuse for never dealing with any of their own issues.
posted by SassHat at 2:06 PM on November 24, 2015
posted by SassHat at 2:06 PM on November 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by dame at 11:02 PM on November 19, 2015 [44 favorites]