I'm not really sure what happened... bipolar disorder reared its head
January 5, 2016 2:21 PM Subscribe
I have bipolar disorder and everything fell apart. I made straight Fs in school because I laid in bed for two months. I became more delirious and started hallucinating recently. Love of my life left. What the hell do I do now?
I foolishly thought I was cured and didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university. As a result I laid in bed for most of the semester and didn't go to class. I went home for winter break and resumed laying in bed all day and became delirious and hallucinated. I've been taking lithium without a doctor's supervision and that is why. My boyfriend left me because of my increasingly bizarre behavior that escalated to me showing up at his parents house in the middle of the night. His dad told me to GTFO. That morning I sent him a text saying I'm regretful and disturbed with my behavior and checked myself in. He wished me luck, wanted out of the relationship, and blocked me. I called multiple times with another number before I quit because I realized that was creepy.
I signed a year long lease for an apartment in Berkeley. Housemate went crazy and the place became inhabitable and dangerous. We signed a 30 day notice to evacuate, but management just called me to say that my housemate is still living there and that unless she leaves, I am on the hook for rent. I found another place to live. I can't pay double rent.
My now ex took me in and was my rock all these times. Before we dated I told him about my past and my illness. He told me he was willing to give us a try and to work things out if I become sick. What happened recently shouldn't have been news, yet he left... On one hand nobody really knows what they're signing up for when dating a bipolar person, but I still feel beyond devastated and betrayed.
I'm tired of being sick and ruining my life. I'm taking steps to establish a therapist and psychiatrist in school and to stick to a routine. Exercise, limit alcohol, and absolutely no adderall/ritalin. But right now I'm so fucked with this lease, I'm failing academically, and my heart is torn in two. I can barely get myself to write this.
I want to be healthy again and kick ass in school. When emotions die down, I want to attempt to rekindle with my ex. Believe me when I say that we've never met each other more compatible in our humor, interests, and world views. We were close to perfect, bipolar aside. He's such a compassionate, loving man. He cried when he heard my struggles and fought for our relationship when I wasn't sure. He turned completely cold and distant during this episode.
My question is, I'm so confused as to how to make my goals possible that I need guidance. I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I can't stop crying and I can barely function.
I foolishly thought I was cured and didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university. As a result I laid in bed for most of the semester and didn't go to class. I went home for winter break and resumed laying in bed all day and became delirious and hallucinated. I've been taking lithium without a doctor's supervision and that is why. My boyfriend left me because of my increasingly bizarre behavior that escalated to me showing up at his parents house in the middle of the night. His dad told me to GTFO. That morning I sent him a text saying I'm regretful and disturbed with my behavior and checked myself in. He wished me luck, wanted out of the relationship, and blocked me. I called multiple times with another number before I quit because I realized that was creepy.
I signed a year long lease for an apartment in Berkeley. Housemate went crazy and the place became inhabitable and dangerous. We signed a 30 day notice to evacuate, but management just called me to say that my housemate is still living there and that unless she leaves, I am on the hook for rent. I found another place to live. I can't pay double rent.
My now ex took me in and was my rock all these times. Before we dated I told him about my past and my illness. He told me he was willing to give us a try and to work things out if I become sick. What happened recently shouldn't have been news, yet he left... On one hand nobody really knows what they're signing up for when dating a bipolar person, but I still feel beyond devastated and betrayed.
I'm tired of being sick and ruining my life. I'm taking steps to establish a therapist and psychiatrist in school and to stick to a routine. Exercise, limit alcohol, and absolutely no adderall/ritalin. But right now I'm so fucked with this lease, I'm failing academically, and my heart is torn in two. I can barely get myself to write this.
I want to be healthy again and kick ass in school. When emotions die down, I want to attempt to rekindle with my ex. Believe me when I say that we've never met each other more compatible in our humor, interests, and world views. We were close to perfect, bipolar aside. He's such a compassionate, loving man. He cried when he heard my struggles and fought for our relationship when I wasn't sure. He turned completely cold and distant during this episode.
My question is, I'm so confused as to how to make my goals possible that I need guidance. I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I can't stop crying and I can barely function.
On the lease, take a look at this list of resources from the Berkeley Tenant's Union. One of the resources listed is an advice hotline. I think I'd start by giving that a call. I don't know if there are any good solutions, but it is worth consulting with someone.
Some of your other steps, getting a therapist and psychiatrist, keeping to a routine, exercising, etc. all sound good. It is just going to take time to climb out of this hole.
On the boyfriend, I think you have to let him go, which is horrible and painful. He blocked you, which I take to mean he doesn't want to hear from you, and you need to respect that. Part of getting healthy again is respecting his boundaries, which I think you've been doing since you realized you shouldn't call multiple times.
posted by Area Man at 2:49 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Some of your other steps, getting a therapist and psychiatrist, keeping to a routine, exercising, etc. all sound good. It is just going to take time to climb out of this hole.
On the boyfriend, I think you have to let him go, which is horrible and painful. He blocked you, which I take to mean he doesn't want to hear from you, and you need to respect that. Part of getting healthy again is respecting his boundaries, which I think you've been doing since you realized you shouldn't call multiple times.
posted by Area Man at 2:49 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
This sounds really rough. The most important thing to do is to reestablish aggressive treatment immediately. If that means being hospitalized, then do it. Bipolar requires lifelong management. Mistaking being well-managed for being cured is a common experience, so don't beat yourself up about it. Learn and move forward.
With the help of your medical treatment provider, consult with your school's administration about how to manage the rest of your academics. There may be opportunities to take incompletes and a medical leave of absence. If you can't get helpful responses, find the University Ombudsman and have them help you.
Management of your old place needs to evict your roommate instead of trying to rest this on your shoulders. Your school may have a tenants union for students, or contact the Berkeley Tenant's Union or similar organization to find out your rights and responsibilities.
And, while I know that your relationship with your ex seems most important emotionally, it's not. You're not in any shape to reestablish anything with him. Get yourself better and your school and living situation stabilized. Trying to get back together with him right now will not only possibly derail your health, but it will almost certainly be disastrous as you're not in a space where you can participate in a relationship. And, things have already been quite damaged if he's blocked you. Don't let the end of a romantic relationship, no matter how disappointing, distract you from your #1 priority, which is stabilizing your mental health. Good luck.
posted by quince at 3:02 PM on January 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
With the help of your medical treatment provider, consult with your school's administration about how to manage the rest of your academics. There may be opportunities to take incompletes and a medical leave of absence. If you can't get helpful responses, find the University Ombudsman and have them help you.
Management of your old place needs to evict your roommate instead of trying to rest this on your shoulders. Your school may have a tenants union for students, or contact the Berkeley Tenant's Union or similar organization to find out your rights and responsibilities.
And, while I know that your relationship with your ex seems most important emotionally, it's not. You're not in any shape to reestablish anything with him. Get yourself better and your school and living situation stabilized. Trying to get back together with him right now will not only possibly derail your health, but it will almost certainly be disastrous as you're not in a space where you can participate in a relationship. And, things have already been quite damaged if he's blocked you. Don't let the end of a romantic relationship, no matter how disappointing, distract you from your #1 priority, which is stabilizing your mental health. Good luck.
posted by quince at 3:02 PM on January 5, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Management can't evict her without evicting all of us since we're all on the lease. I will check out Berkeley Tenant's Union.
As for the ex, I'm trying not to let the end of our relationship derail from my recovery. I'm just so hurt that he left when I needed him to be there, but I understand he's not obligated and that he has a right to protect himself. I'm just so terribly sad and fear that i'm undatable because even with the best treatment I could get sick again.
posted by squirtle at 3:09 PM on January 5, 2016
As for the ex, I'm trying not to let the end of our relationship derail from my recovery. I'm just so hurt that he left when I needed him to be there, but I understand he's not obligated and that he has a right to protect himself. I'm just so terribly sad and fear that i'm undatable because even with the best treatment I could get sick again.
posted by squirtle at 3:09 PM on January 5, 2016
You could get sick again .. and you could also find a partner who is a little more prepared to stick around through hard patches and has a better understanding of your situation.
Not a single one of us can say what lies ahead for your love-life or anyone else's, for that matter .. but people with bipolar disorder can and do date, have relationships, get married, etc.
posted by bunderful at 4:09 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Not a single one of us can say what lies ahead for your love-life or anyone else's, for that matter .. but people with bipolar disorder can and do date, have relationships, get married, etc.
posted by bunderful at 4:09 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I say this as gently as possible, but you need to let the boyfriend go. Not everyone can handle being in a relationship with someone who has a serious illness. Be glad you found this out about him before you got even more entangled. He has freed you to find someone better.
I speak from personal experience on this---my husband has an ex-wife who did not realize that his illness would be a deal-breaker until after she married him. He had a flare-up about a year in, she reconsidered whether she could be married to someone like that, decided she couldn't and left. Her loss is my gain, and frankly, I'm a much better partner for him than her from what I have heard about things. And his illness does require some management at times, and has presented some challenges, no doubt about that. But it is not a deal-breaker for me and we have a good life.
posted by JoannaC at 4:51 PM on January 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
I speak from personal experience on this---my husband has an ex-wife who did not realize that his illness would be a deal-breaker until after she married him. He had a flare-up about a year in, she reconsidered whether she could be married to someone like that, decided she couldn't and left. Her loss is my gain, and frankly, I'm a much better partner for him than her from what I have heard about things. And his illness does require some management at times, and has presented some challenges, no doubt about that. But it is not a deal-breaker for me and we have a good life.
posted by JoannaC at 4:51 PM on January 5, 2016 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: I talked to rent board and looked at the notice of residents intent to vacate form that I signed. Basically I'm on the hook for rent until management finds new tenants, but my housemate is still there. She promised to leave in a week though and I'm trying to ask her nicely to foot the rent that we owe because she chose to stay past our vacate date. At least this is looking up.
Regarding the ex bf, I know it's easier said than done, but it is so hard to let go. I daydream about how I'm going to reconcile with him after a period of cooling off, when I'm at a better place to be a better partner and person. How we can wake up cuddling each other in the morning and touch bases at night. How we can be have alone time with the comfort of each other's presence in the same room and enjoy shared interests together. How we laugh at 4chan jokes and share memes throughout the day.
I can't believe all this went down the shitter in just 48 hours with me banging on his parents' door, texting him and pleading with him obsessively, to getting blocked after getting committed. I'm still at a loss to how I'm supposed to feel...
posted by squirtle at 5:38 PM on January 5, 2016
Regarding the ex bf, I know it's easier said than done, but it is so hard to let go. I daydream about how I'm going to reconcile with him after a period of cooling off, when I'm at a better place to be a better partner and person. How we can wake up cuddling each other in the morning and touch bases at night. How we can be have alone time with the comfort of each other's presence in the same room and enjoy shared interests together. How we laugh at 4chan jokes and share memes throughout the day.
I can't believe all this went down the shitter in just 48 hours with me banging on his parents' door, texting him and pleading with him obsessively, to getting blocked after getting committed. I'm still at a loss to how I'm supposed to feel...
posted by squirtle at 5:38 PM on January 5, 2016
If you don't have a meds shrink, Google Dr. Donald Stanford. I have different illnesses but he treated someone close to me who also has BD and the meds really helped get her stabilized after years of self-destructive behavior that she couldn't control. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 5:57 PM on January 5, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 5:57 PM on January 5, 2016
Part of being mentally ill means that sometimes you are ill. It sucks, it wrecks parts of your life, people leave you over it, and sometimes you can't stick it all back together the way it used to be (which also sucks). You're allowed to feel awful, you're allowed to feel regret, you're allowed to feel frustrated and helpless and stuck. Despite how awful it feels, you can survive this.
1. Who is your support team? If you have people you can rely on, reach out to them. Doctor, therapist, friend, family; you need someone who can give you a hand up out of this hole.
Yes I know this used to be your ex but he's made it clear he doesn't want to be your support anymore. That sucks. Breakups suck. Breakups when you're sick and could use someone backing you up REALLY suck. Sadly he's not the person you need him to be. You have to let that perfect dream version of him go. Unfortunately you're now dealing with your illness flaring up + losing your romantic relationship so you really need to find someone to lean on who is willing to be there for you. I'm sorry that you're dealing with both these stressful things at once.
2. You say you want guidance to achieve your goals but your goals aren't clear so - figure out your goals. Make a list. Number them according to importance. Break them down into smaller steps until you feel like you can get started. Push yourself to complete the steps that you feel you can reach (even if reaching takes some stretching).
3. You can do this. Really. You haven't screwed your life up beyond repair. It turns out that's very hard to do. Try to see this as your brain telling you "the status quo does not work for me" and figure out what went wrong in the first place (sounds like you might want to set up a treatment team at your university). You might end up making more changes than you anticipated. It will be different but it will be OK. You will be OK.
posted by buteo at 6:48 PM on January 5, 2016
1. Who is your support team? If you have people you can rely on, reach out to them. Doctor, therapist, friend, family; you need someone who can give you a hand up out of this hole.
Yes I know this used to be your ex but he's made it clear he doesn't want to be your support anymore. That sucks. Breakups suck. Breakups when you're sick and could use someone backing you up REALLY suck. Sadly he's not the person you need him to be. You have to let that perfect dream version of him go. Unfortunately you're now dealing with your illness flaring up + losing your romantic relationship so you really need to find someone to lean on who is willing to be there for you. I'm sorry that you're dealing with both these stressful things at once.
2. You say you want guidance to achieve your goals but your goals aren't clear so - figure out your goals. Make a list. Number them according to importance. Break them down into smaller steps until you feel like you can get started. Push yourself to complete the steps that you feel you can reach (even if reaching takes some stretching).
3. You can do this. Really. You haven't screwed your life up beyond repair. It turns out that's very hard to do. Try to see this as your brain telling you "the status quo does not work for me" and figure out what went wrong in the first place (sounds like you might want to set up a treatment team at your university). You might end up making more changes than you anticipated. It will be different but it will be OK. You will be OK.
posted by buteo at 6:48 PM on January 5, 2016
Best answer: Regarding the ex bf, I know it's easier said than done, but it is so hard to let go. I daydream about how I'm going to reconcile with him after a period of cooling off, when I'm at a better place to be a better partner and person. How we can wake up cuddling each other in the morning and touch bases at night. How we can be have alone time with the comfort of each other's presence in the same room and enjoy shared interests together. How we laugh at 4chan jokes and share memes throughout the day.
It's important for you to realise a few things there.
The first is absolutely that this is the not right person for you, and he's done you a favour by shoving off now. I've known a lot of bipolar people over the years, and let me be the first to say that you had an episode, and so what? The episode happened, and now you're looking after yourself and managing it. If anything, your relationship made have amplified it a bit, for he said he would support you, and then when you needed him, he did not support you. It's very painful when someone says they are going to support you, and then do not support you. In time, you'll realise that its better this happened now than later.
The second is that while your brief unwinding may have triggered it, how you feel now is how people feel during breakups. Just because you have a bit of bipolar present doesn't mean that you are excluded from the pain of heartbreak! Heartbreak is heartbreak, and that's what it feels like when a relationship ends suddenly. The cognitive dissonance, the longing, the bargaining. People have been writing poems about this stuff for a thousand years. I think it's very important for you to realise that how you feel, is how people feel during a breakup.
The third is that before you give too much power to the bipolar, it's important to realise that your relationship did not work, and that's okay. You're young and figuring out both who you are, and how relationships work. This is how they work. Sometimes relationships fail and then there's heartache. You don't feel this way because of your mental health alone, you feel this way because breakups fucking suck, really.
So three things there:
1) He said he would be there. You needed him. He wasn't there. For whatever reason. Yes, you had a moment of weakness and did some weird shit. Yes, it takes a partner to understand mental health to make it through some of those moments. But the reality is that he wasn't there when you needed him, because he's not the right person for you. The right person would have been with you, and you'll know you've found the right person when they are with you at a time like this.
2) How you feel is how people feel during breakups. Maybe they're hitting you more intensely than some people at the moment, but they read an awful like how people feel during breakups.
3) You can let him go, and you'll be fine. Go read some of the poetry written during the last thousand years about heartache and maybe you won't feel as alone about it.
I can't believe all this went down the shitter in just 48 hours with me banging on his parents' door, texting him and pleading with him obsessively, to getting blocked after getting committed. I'm still at a loss to how I'm supposed to feel...
This is an important point, and what I think you really need to learn from. I don't think that's the whole story. Here's the story I see:
1. I have bipolar disorder.
2. didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university
3. I signed a year long lease for an apartment
4. I laid in bed for most of the semester and didn't go to class
5. Housemate went crazy and the place became inhabitable and dangerous.
6. We signed a 30 day notice to evacuate
7. My now ex took me in
8. I found another place to live.
9. I went home for winter break and resumed laying in bed all day
10. I made straight Fs in school
11. became delirious and hallucinated
12. I've been taking lithium without a doctor's supervision
13. my increasingly bizarre behavior escalated
14. me showing up at his parents house in the middle of the night.
15. His dad told me to GTFO
16. I sent him a text saying I'm regretful
17. disturbed with my behavior and checked myself in.
18. He wished me luck and blocked me
19. I called multiple times with another number
20. I quit because I realized that was creepy.
The key points that I see are:
1. I have bipolar disorder.
2. didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university
The rest of your story seems to stem from that.
The rotten apartment and roommate issues.
Lack of motivation and poor academic record.
Self-medication.
Bizarre behaviour with boyfriend's parents.
From your comments here:
I foolishly thought I was cured
We were close to perfect, bipolar aside.
I'll guess that you haven't accepted that you have bipolar disorder, and you need to proactively manage your mental health. At first that may seem like a burden, but you'll get used to it and it will become second nature. In order to do that, first you have to accept that it's present. It doesn't at all define who you are, and what you will be able to do with your life, rather its part of who you are, and you must accept that.
For it appears that this incident happened because you did not accept it. You wanted to believe that you were "cured", when I don't know if one can be cured of it. I absolutely know that for many people it can be successfully managed, but I'm not sure about cured.
I'm tired of being sick and ruining my life.
You're not sick and you're not ruining your life. You have a mental health thing that needs to be managed. If you manage it, you will likely be fine. There may be a flare up now and then, but hey, people doing weird shit in this life is not restricted to bipolar people, is it?
In order to get what you want, and live the life you want, you have to accept who you are, completely. And you are someone that needs to manage your mental health, else you run into difficulties. Reverse that, and if you run into difficulties, it's going to likely be because you are not managing your mental health. So manage your mental health, yeah?
I would even go further and say that somehow you equate the boyfriend with being "cured". That When emotions die down, I want to attempt to rekindle with my ex, as if this aberration is solely because of the bipolar. You guys broke up because you're not compatible people. You may want to blame that on your mental health, but the fact remains as mentioned above. Blame it on whatever you want, you're just not compatible people.
You mentioned he was your rock, when in reality your rock needs to be your own management of your mental health. You don't want a caretaker, you want a partner. You will have great conversations with a lot of people in your life – you'll see. It sounds like your priorities at the moment are to get your mental health sorted and get your academic career back on track. Worry about boys later. They're not going anywhere. Focus on getting stable and getting what you want out of life, and then find someone worthy of sharing it with you.
My question is, I'm so confused as to how to make my goals possible that I need guidance.
I'll leave you with this thought. You have all the guidance you need. I would really like you to celebrate the fact that you are getting help. Maybe you waited too long this time, but you're getting it. You did not destroy your life, or your academic career. You hit a speed bump. Quite a sharp speed bump, but a speed bump all the same. You know what you have to do to get healthy, and it is in your control and reach to do so.
Most importantly, you want to do it. You say that several times, that you have placed a high priority on your mental health, and you want to figure this out. And you are doing it, so please love yourself for that one.
You cannot undo the past, and frankly, you're making a big deal out of heartache.
It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not the end of the world.
You may feel embarrassed about the parents, but it's not the end of the world.
You signed a bad lease and that's a pain in the ass, but it's not the end of the world.
You have a bit of an uphill battle to get your grades up, but it's not the end of the world.
Take your time. Get your meds right. Make friends who will be there when you have a wobble. Focus on your grades. Take care of yourself.
If you choose take care of yourself, this will one day be a bygone memory, and you'll probably end up laughing at it all. You've already chosen to do that, so in actually, you don't have to choose to do it now, you simply have to continue the plan that you know you need to make.
If you choose not to take care of yourself, you will probably repeat it until a time when your life choices really stick. Then you'll be really be in the shit with no one to blame but yourself, so please don't go that route.
Sorry if this was a bit long of a read, but I want you to know that this isn't the end of the world. A lot of people go through this stuff, and you will live a great life if you stick to the programme and look after yourself. So take care of yourself, and get back on track. You're not that far off it.
posted by nickrussell at 6:50 PM on January 5, 2016 [23 favorites]
It's important for you to realise a few things there.
The first is absolutely that this is the not right person for you, and he's done you a favour by shoving off now. I've known a lot of bipolar people over the years, and let me be the first to say that you had an episode, and so what? The episode happened, and now you're looking after yourself and managing it. If anything, your relationship made have amplified it a bit, for he said he would support you, and then when you needed him, he did not support you. It's very painful when someone says they are going to support you, and then do not support you. In time, you'll realise that its better this happened now than later.
The second is that while your brief unwinding may have triggered it, how you feel now is how people feel during breakups. Just because you have a bit of bipolar present doesn't mean that you are excluded from the pain of heartbreak! Heartbreak is heartbreak, and that's what it feels like when a relationship ends suddenly. The cognitive dissonance, the longing, the bargaining. People have been writing poems about this stuff for a thousand years. I think it's very important for you to realise that how you feel, is how people feel during a breakup.
The third is that before you give too much power to the bipolar, it's important to realise that your relationship did not work, and that's okay. You're young and figuring out both who you are, and how relationships work. This is how they work. Sometimes relationships fail and then there's heartache. You don't feel this way because of your mental health alone, you feel this way because breakups fucking suck, really.
So three things there:
1) He said he would be there. You needed him. He wasn't there. For whatever reason. Yes, you had a moment of weakness and did some weird shit. Yes, it takes a partner to understand mental health to make it through some of those moments. But the reality is that he wasn't there when you needed him, because he's not the right person for you. The right person would have been with you, and you'll know you've found the right person when they are with you at a time like this.
2) How you feel is how people feel during breakups. Maybe they're hitting you more intensely than some people at the moment, but they read an awful like how people feel during breakups.
3) You can let him go, and you'll be fine. Go read some of the poetry written during the last thousand years about heartache and maybe you won't feel as alone about it.
I can't believe all this went down the shitter in just 48 hours with me banging on his parents' door, texting him and pleading with him obsessively, to getting blocked after getting committed. I'm still at a loss to how I'm supposed to feel...
This is an important point, and what I think you really need to learn from. I don't think that's the whole story. Here's the story I see:
1. I have bipolar disorder.
2. didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university
3. I signed a year long lease for an apartment
4. I laid in bed for most of the semester and didn't go to class
5. Housemate went crazy and the place became inhabitable and dangerous.
6. We signed a 30 day notice to evacuate
7. My now ex took me in
8. I found another place to live.
9. I went home for winter break and resumed laying in bed all day
10. I made straight Fs in school
11. became delirious and hallucinated
12. I've been taking lithium without a doctor's supervision
13. my increasingly bizarre behavior escalated
14. me showing up at his parents house in the middle of the night.
15. His dad told me to GTFO
16. I sent him a text saying I'm regretful
17. disturbed with my behavior and checked myself in.
18. He wished me luck and blocked me
19. I called multiple times with another number
20. I quit because I realized that was creepy.
The key points that I see are:
1. I have bipolar disorder.
2. didn't reestablish a treatment team after transferring to a university
The rest of your story seems to stem from that.
The rotten apartment and roommate issues.
Lack of motivation and poor academic record.
Self-medication.
Bizarre behaviour with boyfriend's parents.
From your comments here:
I foolishly thought I was cured
We were close to perfect, bipolar aside.
I'll guess that you haven't accepted that you have bipolar disorder, and you need to proactively manage your mental health. At first that may seem like a burden, but you'll get used to it and it will become second nature. In order to do that, first you have to accept that it's present. It doesn't at all define who you are, and what you will be able to do with your life, rather its part of who you are, and you must accept that.
For it appears that this incident happened because you did not accept it. You wanted to believe that you were "cured", when I don't know if one can be cured of it. I absolutely know that for many people it can be successfully managed, but I'm not sure about cured.
I'm tired of being sick and ruining my life.
You're not sick and you're not ruining your life. You have a mental health thing that needs to be managed. If you manage it, you will likely be fine. There may be a flare up now and then, but hey, people doing weird shit in this life is not restricted to bipolar people, is it?
In order to get what you want, and live the life you want, you have to accept who you are, completely. And you are someone that needs to manage your mental health, else you run into difficulties. Reverse that, and if you run into difficulties, it's going to likely be because you are not managing your mental health. So manage your mental health, yeah?
I would even go further and say that somehow you equate the boyfriend with being "cured". That When emotions die down, I want to attempt to rekindle with my ex, as if this aberration is solely because of the bipolar. You guys broke up because you're not compatible people. You may want to blame that on your mental health, but the fact remains as mentioned above. Blame it on whatever you want, you're just not compatible people.
You mentioned he was your rock, when in reality your rock needs to be your own management of your mental health. You don't want a caretaker, you want a partner. You will have great conversations with a lot of people in your life – you'll see. It sounds like your priorities at the moment are to get your mental health sorted and get your academic career back on track. Worry about boys later. They're not going anywhere. Focus on getting stable and getting what you want out of life, and then find someone worthy of sharing it with you.
My question is, I'm so confused as to how to make my goals possible that I need guidance.
I'll leave you with this thought. You have all the guidance you need. I would really like you to celebrate the fact that you are getting help. Maybe you waited too long this time, but you're getting it. You did not destroy your life, or your academic career. You hit a speed bump. Quite a sharp speed bump, but a speed bump all the same. You know what you have to do to get healthy, and it is in your control and reach to do so.
Most importantly, you want to do it. You say that several times, that you have placed a high priority on your mental health, and you want to figure this out. And you are doing it, so please love yourself for that one.
You cannot undo the past, and frankly, you're making a big deal out of heartache.
It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not the end of the world.
You may feel embarrassed about the parents, but it's not the end of the world.
You signed a bad lease and that's a pain in the ass, but it's not the end of the world.
You have a bit of an uphill battle to get your grades up, but it's not the end of the world.
Take your time. Get your meds right. Make friends who will be there when you have a wobble. Focus on your grades. Take care of yourself.
If you choose take care of yourself, this will one day be a bygone memory, and you'll probably end up laughing at it all. You've already chosen to do that, so in actually, you don't have to choose to do it now, you simply have to continue the plan that you know you need to make.
If you choose not to take care of yourself, you will probably repeat it until a time when your life choices really stick. Then you'll be really be in the shit with no one to blame but yourself, so please don't go that route.
Sorry if this was a bit long of a read, but I want you to know that this isn't the end of the world. A lot of people go through this stuff, and you will live a great life if you stick to the programme and look after yourself. So take care of yourself, and get back on track. You're not that far off it.
posted by nickrussell at 6:50 PM on January 5, 2016 [23 favorites]
Response by poster: I just scheduled a therapy session tomorrow. The bills that I usually slack on is paid on time for once. Today I didn't lie in bed all day. I'm really putting an effort into this.
I get the need for my ex to protect himself as my behavior was totally bizarre and scary. I also don't understand how if you love somebody you wouldn't want to be there for them. He obviously didn't stop loving me within 48 hours, yet he went from supportive to cold and distant. Isn't he heartbroken too by breaking off with someone he loves? Can someone please make this less confusing?
posted by squirtle at 7:35 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
I get the need for my ex to protect himself as my behavior was totally bizarre and scary. I also don't understand how if you love somebody you wouldn't want to be there for them. He obviously didn't stop loving me within 48 hours, yet he went from supportive to cold and distant. Isn't he heartbroken too by breaking off with someone he loves? Can someone please make this less confusing?
posted by squirtle at 7:35 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
> Can someone please make this less confusing?
People overestimate their abilities all the time, around all kinds of things. This includes their ability to cope with the illness of someone they are close to.
People protect themselves the way that seems best in the moment (it may not actually be that, but when it comes to protecting oneself, there's not always a lot of rationality at work). Being frightened and overwhelmed by something unexpected can make people do things they cannot predict they would have done.
People abandon people they love out of fear all the time. This is an unpleasant part of the human condition, and it is not unusual.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm glad you're taking the steps you need to take care of yourself. Please, for now, let one of those steps be "stop replaying stuff between you and your ex." He's focusing on himself right now, and you really need to focus on you.
posted by rtha at 7:50 PM on January 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
People overestimate their abilities all the time, around all kinds of things. This includes their ability to cope with the illness of someone they are close to.
People protect themselves the way that seems best in the moment (it may not actually be that, but when it comes to protecting oneself, there's not always a lot of rationality at work). Being frightened and overwhelmed by something unexpected can make people do things they cannot predict they would have done.
People abandon people they love out of fear all the time. This is an unpleasant part of the human condition, and it is not unusual.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I'm glad you're taking the steps you need to take care of yourself. Please, for now, let one of those steps be "stop replaying stuff between you and your ex." He's focusing on himself right now, and you really need to focus on you.
posted by rtha at 7:50 PM on January 5, 2016 [8 favorites]
I've broken leases before (twice with the same management company) and the best thing you can do, if you're up to it, is hold your own open house, post it on craigslist, and gather potential tenants. Get a stack of rental applications, tell the folks to fill them out and take them to the landlord/management company.
I don't know if this will apply to your situation, but if you can take a bit of control over your housing situation it could relieve some of your worry.
All the best.
posted by bendy at 8:24 PM on January 5, 2016
I don't know if this will apply to your situation, but if you can take a bit of control over your housing situation it could relieve some of your worry.
All the best.
posted by bendy at 8:24 PM on January 5, 2016
Response by poster: Thank you. I will focus on myself and put my obsessive thoughts about rekindling with my ex in the back burner. I think I would have a higher chance coming from a healthy place. I might not even want to reconcile as I get healthier anyway
posted by squirtle at 8:32 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by squirtle at 8:32 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]
Consider this too: even people without bipolar have mental health needs. And I know that sometimes, the person with the illness may forget to see it from the other side. For example, the first time my boss pulled me aside at work and told me that the hospital had called, my husband was there and I needed to go be with him.
That was scary. Deeply scary. And with all due respect to him and what he was going through at that time, because hey, being sick is awful---it was deeply scary for me. Since then, I have come to actually prefer hospital-sick over 'whining at home about how bad he feels' because the hospital has people who can monitor and look after. But the side of his illness that he will never understand is my side. He can never know how it feels to get that phone call. The feelings I had when that happened were real. They were deep and intense and primal because I love him. And some people simply are not equipped to live a life where they are a reality.
The difference, with us compared to his previous partners, was that we had some help from a very good therapist. I was willing to do that because I truly was in love and wanted to make it work. He was willing because he recognized some patterns in his previous relationships that he wanted to change. What the therapist helped us with:
1) Me learning to manage my own anxiety better. This is an ongoing learning process for me because I am a worrier by nature :-) But freaking out doesn't help things, and worrying about dire scenarios that may not even happen is pointless and saps energy.
2) Him learning to bring me into the process. We both understand that when he is sick, his needs take precedence. Plans get cancelled. Food, medicine etc. must be fetched. But he had to learn that even in a crisis, it can't be 100% about him. It can be 99% about him---but the 1% that's about me is the part of his brain that says 'I love you. I will be okay' instead of 'I should just leave you now so you won't have to witness my horrible death.' It's the part that says '7/10' instead of '10/10' when I ask him to honestly tell me how bad it is. It's the part of him that overcomes his paranoia about the hospital, and goes when I tell him it's time to stop toughing it out at home.
We have come a long, long way. I used to work for a charity who supported families of very disabled children, and I am telling you straight up---people leave their husbands and wives over these things. They leave their children! They don't do so over a lack of love. They do so over a lack of coping skills. They are not equipped to live a life where this is happening. They simply cannot do it. The monkey is simply not capable of being a puppy dog.
Reframe this in your mind. Make this about him as much as it is about you, and consider that he has done both of you a favour. This is the same as a cat-lover who ends a relationship with a person who is allergic. It is the same as a person who does not want children deciding not to pursue a relationship with someone who does. It is a straight-up comparability issue and nothing more. Now, you are both free to find someone more suitable.
posted by JoannaC at 5:25 AM on January 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
That was scary. Deeply scary. And with all due respect to him and what he was going through at that time, because hey, being sick is awful---it was deeply scary for me. Since then, I have come to actually prefer hospital-sick over 'whining at home about how bad he feels' because the hospital has people who can monitor and look after. But the side of his illness that he will never understand is my side. He can never know how it feels to get that phone call. The feelings I had when that happened were real. They were deep and intense and primal because I love him. And some people simply are not equipped to live a life where they are a reality.
The difference, with us compared to his previous partners, was that we had some help from a very good therapist. I was willing to do that because I truly was in love and wanted to make it work. He was willing because he recognized some patterns in his previous relationships that he wanted to change. What the therapist helped us with:
1) Me learning to manage my own anxiety better. This is an ongoing learning process for me because I am a worrier by nature :-) But freaking out doesn't help things, and worrying about dire scenarios that may not even happen is pointless and saps energy.
2) Him learning to bring me into the process. We both understand that when he is sick, his needs take precedence. Plans get cancelled. Food, medicine etc. must be fetched. But he had to learn that even in a crisis, it can't be 100% about him. It can be 99% about him---but the 1% that's about me is the part of his brain that says 'I love you. I will be okay' instead of 'I should just leave you now so you won't have to witness my horrible death.' It's the part that says '7/10' instead of '10/10' when I ask him to honestly tell me how bad it is. It's the part of him that overcomes his paranoia about the hospital, and goes when I tell him it's time to stop toughing it out at home.
We have come a long, long way. I used to work for a charity who supported families of very disabled children, and I am telling you straight up---people leave their husbands and wives over these things. They leave their children! They don't do so over a lack of love. They do so over a lack of coping skills. They are not equipped to live a life where this is happening. They simply cannot do it. The monkey is simply not capable of being a puppy dog.
Reframe this in your mind. Make this about him as much as it is about you, and consider that he has done both of you a favour. This is the same as a cat-lover who ends a relationship with a person who is allergic. It is the same as a person who does not want children deciding not to pursue a relationship with someone who does. It is a straight-up comparability issue and nothing more. Now, you are both free to find someone more suitable.
posted by JoannaC at 5:25 AM on January 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
He probably is heartbroken too. One of the hardest things in life is realizing that two people can love each other and miss each other and still be better off apart. If he can't handle a partner with bipolar, then you are better off without him, but I expect you and he will both still be sad about it for a while. I'm really sorry.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:42 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:42 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
To the managing the break-up feelings in the midst of all these other challenges, remember also that you're both very young, right? (I'm making that assumption because you've said you've just finished your first term at university, that his father is involved.) At this age, EVERYONE is figuring out relationships--this is where you begin to learn what makes an adult relationship different from an adolescent one. Your ex THOUGHT he could be there for you, but you both learned that that wasn't actually the case. It's easy when things are golden to say that you can do something challenging, but that's why the proof is in the pudding. You've both learned something from this hurtful, unfortunate incident: he's learned what it really means (or rather, doesn't) to stand by someone having an episode, and you've learned that even people with the best of intentions can't always deal.
It really does suck that you had to learn about it this way and my heart goes out to you as breakups suck in the best of cases and you've got all this other stuff to deal with as well. In your shoes, I would do my very best to stop thinking about him at all: every time he came into my mind, I'd have something to say to myself ("I am sad it didn't work out and that we broke up, but I'm going to be okay and come out of this a stronger person") and a couple of short-but-engaging things to do at hand to forcibly stop myself from dwelling on it, like a phone game (Tetris/solitaire/minesweeper/and wow I'm showing my age)--anything not-ex-related and absorbing will work.
I know it's incredibly hard, but you have nothing to gain and a lot to lose from holding on to the hope that you two will get back together. The upshot is that as you make your way out of this difficult time, you will have learned that you can come back from seriously bad times--something some people two or three times your age can't say!
posted by smirkette at 5:46 AM on January 6, 2016
It really does suck that you had to learn about it this way and my heart goes out to you as breakups suck in the best of cases and you've got all this other stuff to deal with as well. In your shoes, I would do my very best to stop thinking about him at all: every time he came into my mind, I'd have something to say to myself ("I am sad it didn't work out and that we broke up, but I'm going to be okay and come out of this a stronger person") and a couple of short-but-engaging things to do at hand to forcibly stop myself from dwelling on it, like a phone game (Tetris/solitaire/minesweeper/and wow I'm showing my age)--anything not-ex-related and absorbing will work.
I know it's incredibly hard, but you have nothing to gain and a lot to lose from holding on to the hope that you two will get back together. The upshot is that as you make your way out of this difficult time, you will have learned that you can come back from seriously bad times--something some people two or three times your age can't say!
posted by smirkette at 5:46 AM on January 6, 2016
I'm sorry you're going through all of this at once. Doesn't it suck the way the universe just seems to pile on when you're already down? But it sounds like you're taking the right steps, which is fantastic. Take care of yourself, get your mental health team in place, and do the self-care you can. It sounds like taking some incompletes might be the way to go at school, but let your mental health team help you work through that decision and that process.
Your ex... well. I'm coming in here as the long-term partner of a person with bipolar disorder in case that's a helpful perspective for you, to say that to whatever extent you can put him aside for now, you should. He's going through whatever he's going through and I guarantee you that doesn't mean not loving you all of a sudden, or not wanting to be there for you. But it may mean that he's just figured out he is not equipped for this. Wanting to be there for you doesn't necessarily mean that he's *able* to be there for you, in the same way that you wanting to be better *today* doesn't mean you can actually make it happen. This is better for you both to find out now than in ten years, but that doesn't make it suck any less.
Some people, in some relationships, can choose to build skills together that help them become better equipped to get through things like this. (Support groups, individual therapy, couples therapy with someone experienced with bipolar, all sorts of stuff.) It is possible. But your ex may not be the person, or may just not currently be in the place, for any of that. Which is fine because it turns out you're not either - you have some groundwork to lay in taking care of yourself, first.
You need to focus on what you can make better - your own life and your own choices. When you are in a better place you can think about what you want your love life to look like, but right now that's down at the bottom of the priority pile.
You're doing great. Keep going.
posted by Stacey at 6:06 AM on January 6, 2016
Your ex... well. I'm coming in here as the long-term partner of a person with bipolar disorder in case that's a helpful perspective for you, to say that to whatever extent you can put him aside for now, you should. He's going through whatever he's going through and I guarantee you that doesn't mean not loving you all of a sudden, or not wanting to be there for you. But it may mean that he's just figured out he is not equipped for this. Wanting to be there for you doesn't necessarily mean that he's *able* to be there for you, in the same way that you wanting to be better *today* doesn't mean you can actually make it happen. This is better for you both to find out now than in ten years, but that doesn't make it suck any less.
Some people, in some relationships, can choose to build skills together that help them become better equipped to get through things like this. (Support groups, individual therapy, couples therapy with someone experienced with bipolar, all sorts of stuff.) It is possible. But your ex may not be the person, or may just not currently be in the place, for any of that. Which is fine because it turns out you're not either - you have some groundwork to lay in taking care of yourself, first.
You need to focus on what you can make better - your own life and your own choices. When you are in a better place you can think about what you want your love life to look like, but right now that's down at the bottom of the priority pile.
You're doing great. Keep going.
posted by Stacey at 6:06 AM on January 6, 2016
I'm so sorry. What a mess all at once. It's hard enough to navigate life without all of this happening.
Try your best to tackle one thing at a time. Follow the advice above in regards to your previous apartment. People can and will help you.
You're already working on getting the help you need medically speaking. That's a big step and it will make everything so much easier.
Your ex is not right for you and you deserve so much more. My ex partners all used my serious mental illness against me. They used it make me feel guilty and made it worse. My current partner has been through a lot with me and he loves me so much. He's an amazing, understanding, kind, patient person. He is exactly what I need. You can have a healthy relationship, even through the tough times.
You can do this!
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:17 AM on January 6, 2016
Try your best to tackle one thing at a time. Follow the advice above in regards to your previous apartment. People can and will help you.
You're already working on getting the help you need medically speaking. That's a big step and it will make everything so much easier.
Your ex is not right for you and you deserve so much more. My ex partners all used my serious mental illness against me. They used it make me feel guilty and made it worse. My current partner has been through a lot with me and he loves me so much. He's an amazing, understanding, kind, patient person. He is exactly what I need. You can have a healthy relationship, even through the tough times.
You can do this!
posted by shesbenevolent at 8:17 AM on January 6, 2016
I also don't understand how if you love somebody you wouldn't want to be there for them. He obviously didn't stop loving me within 48 hours, yet he went from supportive to cold and distant. Isn't he heartbroken too by breaking off with someone he loves? Can someone please make this less confusing?
I don't have help to offer on the bipolar front but I do have wisdom on this one. Because this isn't about bipolar, it's about relationships.
1) It is actually possible to "stop loving" (as in, stop wanting to be with) someone in 48 hours. I'm sorry, but it's true. Hell. I have fallen out of love with someone in the course of a 15 minute conversation. Sometimes an action or a word or a situation is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. It doesn't mean that the person doesn't care at all, or that they never loved you.
2) People go cold and distant at the end of a relationship because that is how they protect themselves from being drawn back into it. It is how they create a boundary between a romantic relationship that is in the past, and the platonic or non-relationship that is in the present. It's usually at least a little bit of a facade, covering either anger or sadness, because....
3) Yeah he probably is heartbroken. Most folks are when they end a relationship, even if they're the dump-er. But it doesn't matter. A thing can be painful and still be the right thing.
4) No, nobody can make this less confusing; breakups are inherently kind of confusing and shitty.
I will also note that your boyfriend is 20 and you are his first relationship. A long term relationship with a person who has an unmanaged mental health crisis is like, Super Advanced Hard Mode and he is on Beginner. He just may not have been at all equipped for this, and honestly at 20 almost nobody would be, although everyone would ideally want to be.
It sucks that you're dealing with a breakup in the midst of other issues, but fundamentally your way forward involves you managing your mental health, finishing school, and getting your legal situation settled. It doesn't involve him anymore. Take care of yourself, and take the good advice of the good Mefites above in managing your mental health. Good luck!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:58 AM on January 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
I don't have help to offer on the bipolar front but I do have wisdom on this one. Because this isn't about bipolar, it's about relationships.
1) It is actually possible to "stop loving" (as in, stop wanting to be with) someone in 48 hours. I'm sorry, but it's true. Hell. I have fallen out of love with someone in the course of a 15 minute conversation. Sometimes an action or a word or a situation is just the straw that breaks the camel's back. It doesn't mean that the person doesn't care at all, or that they never loved you.
2) People go cold and distant at the end of a relationship because that is how they protect themselves from being drawn back into it. It is how they create a boundary between a romantic relationship that is in the past, and the platonic or non-relationship that is in the present. It's usually at least a little bit of a facade, covering either anger or sadness, because....
3) Yeah he probably is heartbroken. Most folks are when they end a relationship, even if they're the dump-er. But it doesn't matter. A thing can be painful and still be the right thing.
4) No, nobody can make this less confusing; breakups are inherently kind of confusing and shitty.
I will also note that your boyfriend is 20 and you are his first relationship. A long term relationship with a person who has an unmanaged mental health crisis is like, Super Advanced Hard Mode and he is on Beginner. He just may not have been at all equipped for this, and honestly at 20 almost nobody would be, although everyone would ideally want to be.
It sucks that you're dealing with a breakup in the midst of other issues, but fundamentally your way forward involves you managing your mental health, finishing school, and getting your legal situation settled. It doesn't involve him anymore. Take care of yourself, and take the good advice of the good Mefites above in managing your mental health. Good luck!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:58 AM on January 6, 2016 [5 favorites]
Step back a bit from the immediacy of all these things. Part of the problem with being in a mental health pit of despair is that it's usually pretty hard to see out of it. The pit you're in tends to feel like the pit you'll be in forever.
Odds are overwhelmingly in your favor, though. You'll do what you need to do. You'll climb out. A year or five or ten from now, you'll look back and see the top of that hole on the path way behind you and remember it for the temporary thing it was.
Right now maybe it's hard to imagine how that could be. Maybe all you can see is the dirt walls around you in this hole. You need to have to have faith that the future is better.
Some people really find goals (finish school, get straight financially, get the boy) useful, but it's OK to shift your timeline, change your goals, or just give up on having goals for a while. You can just focus on making this moment right now as good as possible. You're free to take care of yourself, meditate, go for a long walk on a sunny day, drink some hot cocoa, look at the birds, go camp in the woods, do whatever. However much the world feels like it's pressing in, it's just an illusion.
posted by woof at 9:03 AM on January 6, 2016
Odds are overwhelmingly in your favor, though. You'll do what you need to do. You'll climb out. A year or five or ten from now, you'll look back and see the top of that hole on the path way behind you and remember it for the temporary thing it was.
Right now maybe it's hard to imagine how that could be. Maybe all you can see is the dirt walls around you in this hole. You need to have to have faith that the future is better.
Some people really find goals (finish school, get straight financially, get the boy) useful, but it's OK to shift your timeline, change your goals, or just give up on having goals for a while. You can just focus on making this moment right now as good as possible. You're free to take care of yourself, meditate, go for a long walk on a sunny day, drink some hot cocoa, look at the birds, go camp in the woods, do whatever. However much the world feels like it's pressing in, it's just an illusion.
posted by woof at 9:03 AM on January 6, 2016
Response by poster: I want to thank everybody for their two cents again. I got up this morning and I still feel like I'm in absolute despair, but less so than yesterday. I have a therapy session today. I've done everything I can in regards to housing for now, so today's goal is to deal with academics.
Trust me that I read everybody's comments about my ex and am trying to take them to heart. I'm sorry to keep bringing him up again. Although trying to function and deal with day-to-day tasks is difficult, this is a special kind of hardship. Despair creeps in when I'm alone, like when I try to fall asleep, and I can barely eat or sleep. I took melatonin and blasted Netflix last night just to get a few hours of rest.
It's so easy to say "forget him" and "focus on yourself," I'm trying I really am, but it's so hard when I feel like I'm dying from the weight of this sadness. I'm trying to use will power to stop my mind from obsessing over rekindling our relationship, but that only work sometimes.
Like last night when I realized it wasn't a clean break because when we go back to school from winter break in a week or so, he'll walk into his dorm room to see all our stuff intermingled together. Our life before I went crazy. Maybe he'll realize he lost a companion to keep him warm at night. Maybe I'll never have another episode again, get my shit together, show him how I changed, and we will be "compatible". Then I tell myself this is just some crazy fantasy and that there's always another guy. But then they're not this guy. I quickly dashed away these fantasies in a sad attempt to get in another hour of sleep.
posted by squirtle at 9:37 AM on January 6, 2016
Trust me that I read everybody's comments about my ex and am trying to take them to heart. I'm sorry to keep bringing him up again. Although trying to function and deal with day-to-day tasks is difficult, this is a special kind of hardship. Despair creeps in when I'm alone, like when I try to fall asleep, and I can barely eat or sleep. I took melatonin and blasted Netflix last night just to get a few hours of rest.
It's so easy to say "forget him" and "focus on yourself," I'm trying I really am, but it's so hard when I feel like I'm dying from the weight of this sadness. I'm trying to use will power to stop my mind from obsessing over rekindling our relationship, but that only work sometimes.
Like last night when I realized it wasn't a clean break because when we go back to school from winter break in a week or so, he'll walk into his dorm room to see all our stuff intermingled together. Our life before I went crazy. Maybe he'll realize he lost a companion to keep him warm at night. Maybe I'll never have another episode again, get my shit together, show him how I changed, and we will be "compatible". Then I tell myself this is just some crazy fantasy and that there's always another guy. But then they're not this guy. I quickly dashed away these fantasies in a sad attempt to get in another hour of sleep.
posted by squirtle at 9:37 AM on January 6, 2016
[quote] Maybe I'll never have another episode again, get my shit together, show him how I changed, and we will be "compatible". [/quote]
This is exactly what I tried to convey to you with my example. This way of thinking is totally missing the point. It isn't that you are compatible when you are not having an episode, and not compatible when you are. It is that the mere possibility of it happening again is mentally too much for some people to be able to live with as a reality of life. Whether it actually happens or not is immaterial. Some people simply are not capable of accepting a life like that. You must understand that. It is about HIS mental health too.
posted by JoannaC at 10:15 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
This is exactly what I tried to convey to you with my example. This way of thinking is totally missing the point. It isn't that you are compatible when you are not having an episode, and not compatible when you are. It is that the mere possibility of it happening again is mentally too much for some people to be able to live with as a reality of life. Whether it actually happens or not is immaterial. Some people simply are not capable of accepting a life like that. You must understand that. It is about HIS mental health too.
posted by JoannaC at 10:15 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
As for academics, you are not alone. Many successful university graduates have previously failed a entire semester due to health issues. The key is taking care of your health and getting the support you need, including therapist, physician, psychotherapist, and perhaps other education support if needed.
Have you spoken with your school's Disability Support Services department? Disability Support Services departments generally provide many kinds of help to students with documented disabilities.
The necessary taking care may include taking time off school to stabilize your health.
Your therapist may be able to help you make a plan about whether to take time off school and how to reach out to this department.
posted by PlannedSpontaneity at 10:29 AM on January 6, 2016
Have you spoken with your school's Disability Support Services department? Disability Support Services departments generally provide many kinds of help to students with documented disabilities.
The necessary taking care may include taking time off school to stabilize your health.
Your therapist may be able to help you make a plan about whether to take time off school and how to reach out to this department.
posted by PlannedSpontaneity at 10:29 AM on January 6, 2016
My mom has bipolar disorder and I generally manage her care. As a caregiver I've found the books The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder to be extremely helpful. The survival guide is more of an overview, but Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is written for both the individual with the disorder and (obviously) their loved ones, and it has really specific strategies to help manage the disorder throughout your life. Even though I read it as a caregiver, I think it could be very useful for you, particularly with all you're dealing with right now.
posted by odayoday at 10:43 AM on January 6, 2016
posted by odayoday at 10:43 AM on January 6, 2016
Although trying to function and deal with day-to-day tasks is difficult, this is a special kind of hardship.
Yes, and no. It's special in the sense that it's separate from your other problems, and not special at all in the sense that nearly every other adult human on the planet has experienced it. Often many, many times in a life.
Despair creeps in when I'm alone, like when I try to fall asleep, and I can barely eat or sleep. I took melatonin and blasted Netflix last night just to get a few hours of rest.
Every breakup, man. Every single one! Every one ever that anyone ever had.
that there's always another guy. But then they're not this guy
Every breakup. Every single one. Every one that anyone ever had.
I know they feel extra-intense and unfathomable but the feelings you're having about your breakup are literally textbook breakup feelings. And everyone who feels them feels like no, this is the only time in the history of humanity that anyone has ever felt this way.
This is good news! Because there's also a textbook way in which this ends, which is just one day at a time, feeling lousy a bunch and then feeling lousy a little less, and a little less, and then mostly feeling fine, and then really feeling actually just entirely like yourself, with maybe a little dent somewhere from that time your heart got hurt. You don't even really have to do anything to make this happen: it will happen in the course of you taking care of the things you need to take care of, and just continuing to exist day to day.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:55 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Yes, and no. It's special in the sense that it's separate from your other problems, and not special at all in the sense that nearly every other adult human on the planet has experienced it. Often many, many times in a life.
Despair creeps in when I'm alone, like when I try to fall asleep, and I can barely eat or sleep. I took melatonin and blasted Netflix last night just to get a few hours of rest.
Every breakup, man. Every single one! Every one ever that anyone ever had.
that there's always another guy. But then they're not this guy
Every breakup. Every single one. Every one that anyone ever had.
I know they feel extra-intense and unfathomable but the feelings you're having about your breakup are literally textbook breakup feelings. And everyone who feels them feels like no, this is the only time in the history of humanity that anyone has ever felt this way.
This is good news! Because there's also a textbook way in which this ends, which is just one day at a time, feeling lousy a bunch and then feeling lousy a little less, and a little less, and then mostly feeling fine, and then really feeling actually just entirely like yourself, with maybe a little dent somewhere from that time your heart got hurt. You don't even really have to do anything to make this happen: it will happen in the course of you taking care of the things you need to take care of, and just continuing to exist day to day.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:55 AM on January 6, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You've got so much great advice here, and the only thing I can contribute is to validate what others have said: your feelings about your breakup is exactly how breakups feel. It is exactly how I felt about a year ago. And the thing that helped was reading online about breakups and seeing a million comments from people echoing my feelings. It was my first major heartbreak and I felt like I didn't know how to feel, like I was going to go crazy with obsessive thoughts about my ex.
What you said about worrying about your boyfriend's reaction when he sees your things intermingled in his dorm room is familiar to me. My ex broke up with me and all I could think about was how bad she must feel and how I should comfort her. I sobbed to my friends and my mom on the phone that she told me she was going to drop a hobby because she was too sad and I was sure that meant she was depressed and not thinking clearly and how could I just abandon her while she felt like that?
Well, over a year later, I feel embarrassed and angry at myself that I focused so intensely on her, though I am compassionate towards myself for reacting that way. It was a codependent relationship and I thought the only solution for my pain was to reconcile with her.
Please, take it one day at a time. It's impossible to stop fantasizing that you'll get back together but one day a little part of you will think "but I will be okay if we don't" and then on day there will be a part of you that thinks "maybe it's best if we don't" and I promise you, one day, like me, you'll look back and thank god that you didn't get back together—because it wasn't right. He wasn't right for you.
Read everything you can about other people's breakups. You'll still feel like shit and like you can't even breathe but it will help to know that one day you won't feel that way. If you need something to focus on, I found the iPhone app Unbreak Your Heart's guided meditation to be the only way I could sleep at all. I generally hate guided meditation but I probably listened to it for 100 nights in a row and I have yet to reach the end because it put me to sleep.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 3:53 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
What you said about worrying about your boyfriend's reaction when he sees your things intermingled in his dorm room is familiar to me. My ex broke up with me and all I could think about was how bad she must feel and how I should comfort her. I sobbed to my friends and my mom on the phone that she told me she was going to drop a hobby because she was too sad and I was sure that meant she was depressed and not thinking clearly and how could I just abandon her while she felt like that?
Well, over a year later, I feel embarrassed and angry at myself that I focused so intensely on her, though I am compassionate towards myself for reacting that way. It was a codependent relationship and I thought the only solution for my pain was to reconcile with her.
Please, take it one day at a time. It's impossible to stop fantasizing that you'll get back together but one day a little part of you will think "but I will be okay if we don't" and then on day there will be a part of you that thinks "maybe it's best if we don't" and I promise you, one day, like me, you'll look back and thank god that you didn't get back together—because it wasn't right. He wasn't right for you.
Read everything you can about other people's breakups. You'll still feel like shit and like you can't even breathe but it will help to know that one day you won't feel that way. If you need something to focus on, I found the iPhone app Unbreak Your Heart's guided meditation to be the only way I could sleep at all. I generally hate guided meditation but I probably listened to it for 100 nights in a row and I have yet to reach the end because it put me to sleep.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 3:53 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
Congratulations on keeping your momentum moving forward. Keep it going – as you can see here, you are not alone in either being "bipolar-enabled" as a friend calls it, or the pain of love lost.
You're not crazy. You have to watch yourself, that's it. The caution is that labelling yourself as "crazy" gives BPD power over you, and giving it that power is interfering / will continue to interfere with you reaching your goals and getting what you want from life. It's easy to call yourself crazy, for it means when things happen that are difficult, you attribute them to something beyond your control – to things being "the way they are."
A lot of the (great advice) that people have posted here is that you can change things. You can change how you feel, how you respond, and ensure that this stops getting in the way of what you want. I'm not going to say much about your breakup, for that's going to take time to pass. What I would like you to take away from this comment is that you are not crazy, and calling yourself crazy is both the easy way out, and the way that may well leave you unsatisfied in the future. You're not crazy. You have something to manage. That's it. Either manage it, or it will manage you.
posted by nickrussell at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2016
Our life before I went crazy. Maybe he'll realize he lost a companion to keep him warm at night. Maybe I'll never have another episode again, get my shit together, show him how I changed, and we will be "compatible". Then I tell myself this is just some crazy fantasyThe last thing I'll say here is please look at the verbiage you use. "...before I went crazy" and "maybe I'll never have another episode," and "...this is just some crazy fantasy".
You're not crazy. You have to watch yourself, that's it. The caution is that labelling yourself as "crazy" gives BPD power over you, and giving it that power is interfering / will continue to interfere with you reaching your goals and getting what you want from life. It's easy to call yourself crazy, for it means when things happen that are difficult, you attribute them to something beyond your control – to things being "the way they are."
A lot of the (great advice) that people have posted here is that you can change things. You can change how you feel, how you respond, and ensure that this stops getting in the way of what you want. I'm not going to say much about your breakup, for that's going to take time to pass. What I would like you to take away from this comment is that you are not crazy, and calling yourself crazy is both the easy way out, and the way that may well leave you unsatisfied in the future. You're not crazy. You have something to manage. That's it. Either manage it, or it will manage you.
posted by nickrussell at 6:41 PM on January 6, 2016
Response by poster: Again, thank you everybody for your thoughtful comments. I read and ruminated on each and every one of them carefully.
The heartbreak has ended. When I spoke to a mutual friend, who also happens to be his roommate, I realized that he has a pattern of shutting down when he gets overwhelmed. We also suspect he has real mild Aspergers (the flat face, inability to read basic body language and emotions without self-help books, not having many friends due to the latter, and an obsession with video games to name a few). This took off the rose tinted glasses and everything you guys said just clicked.
I think I got a handle on everything else. Thanks again!
posted by squirtle at 10:13 PM on January 6, 2016
The heartbreak has ended. When I spoke to a mutual friend, who also happens to be his roommate, I realized that he has a pattern of shutting down when he gets overwhelmed. We also suspect he has real mild Aspergers (the flat face, inability to read basic body language and emotions without self-help books, not having many friends due to the latter, and an obsession with video games to name a few). This took off the rose tinted glasses and everything you guys said just clicked.
I think I got a handle on everything else. Thanks again!
posted by squirtle at 10:13 PM on January 6, 2016
I think in relationships the most to expect is that a person means what they say at the time. At the time, he really meant he loved you and at the time, he really thought he would support you through thick and thin.
But the reality is that no one can be 100% sure of the future of their feelings and mental state. At the time - you really thought you had your bipolar disorder licked, for example. Unconditional 100% guaranteed love and support is something we get from parents, grandparents, and dogs, and even then, only if we're lucky.
He felt a certain thing at the time and he shared it with you. This kind of thing will happen again and again.
It's up to you to look at the statement in the whole context and decide how much stock to put in it, how much to rearrange your life based on it, etc.
That involves judgements about how emotionally aware he is, how stable he is, how he responds to stress and and change and struggle, how steadfast he is in his emotions over time, how cautious he is about distinguishing between things he is feeling in the moment versus things he really feels he is in an emotional and mental state to commit to long term, etc. In other words, I think it involves knowing him really really well, which is kind of the whole point of the pre-lifetime-commitment parts of or a relationship.
The simple fact that he is only 20 mitigates against taking this statement from him too seriously - and the fact that you are a similar age means that it's also to be expected that your judgment about his ability to stand behind a statement like the one he made will be imperfect.
But I don't think there's any magic age or level of maturity or self knowledge that can take the risk out of it. No matter how old you are, it is very tempting to believe the things you are told that you desperately want to believe. And no matter how old you are, I don't think it's possible to 100% predict how you will feel in the future. Both making and accepting a commitment from another person are leaps of faith.
I think that getting into relationships means being willing to have your heart broken, and being willing to break your own heart, and trusting yourself to enjoy yourself along the way to near inevitable sorrow (because even in the best case scenario, one person almost always dies first).
I think you can look back at what he told you and think that it was a very sweet and loving thing to say at the time and that he meant it completely. And that he was mistaken about what he could commit to and that you were mistaken about what he could commit to. And that's OKAY. You are entitled to mess up.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:33 AM on January 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
But the reality is that no one can be 100% sure of the future of their feelings and mental state. At the time - you really thought you had your bipolar disorder licked, for example. Unconditional 100% guaranteed love and support is something we get from parents, grandparents, and dogs, and even then, only if we're lucky.
He felt a certain thing at the time and he shared it with you. This kind of thing will happen again and again.
It's up to you to look at the statement in the whole context and decide how much stock to put in it, how much to rearrange your life based on it, etc.
That involves judgements about how emotionally aware he is, how stable he is, how he responds to stress and and change and struggle, how steadfast he is in his emotions over time, how cautious he is about distinguishing between things he is feeling in the moment versus things he really feels he is in an emotional and mental state to commit to long term, etc. In other words, I think it involves knowing him really really well, which is kind of the whole point of the pre-lifetime-commitment parts of or a relationship.
The simple fact that he is only 20 mitigates against taking this statement from him too seriously - and the fact that you are a similar age means that it's also to be expected that your judgment about his ability to stand behind a statement like the one he made will be imperfect.
But I don't think there's any magic age or level of maturity or self knowledge that can take the risk out of it. No matter how old you are, it is very tempting to believe the things you are told that you desperately want to believe. And no matter how old you are, I don't think it's possible to 100% predict how you will feel in the future. Both making and accepting a commitment from another person are leaps of faith.
I think that getting into relationships means being willing to have your heart broken, and being willing to break your own heart, and trusting yourself to enjoy yourself along the way to near inevitable sorrow (because even in the best case scenario, one person almost always dies first).
I think you can look back at what he told you and think that it was a very sweet and loving thing to say at the time and that he meant it completely. And that he was mistaken about what he could commit to and that you were mistaken about what he could commit to. And that's OKAY. You are entitled to mess up.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:33 AM on January 10, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Is your family supportive? This seems like the sort of thing for which you might take a semester off and stay with your parents while you seek treatment and stabilize.
posted by bunderful at 2:34 PM on January 5, 2016 [1 favorite]