How do I stop living with anger about being rejected?
March 15, 2016 3:18 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with the constant pang of rejection? Her image is in my head all day long, every day. It's been almost 2 months since the breakup. The breakup was for the best and I have been keeping myself really busy otherwise, reconnecting with myself. I am not contacting her.
Based on my previous post, you can find out that I was essentially dumped in a relationship that just wasn't meant to work out. With all of the lack of communication from her end, it's a surprise she was the one to initiate the breakup.
But this leaves me with a lot of anger over being rejected by someone. I feel judged.
I am in therapy and we're working through things in regards to my family of origin and it's been going well so far but it'll take more time. I'm just looking for information from others in the meantime.
How can I get over the feeling of being rejected .. I WANT the answer to be .. "Find out that she's living miserably without you and regrets everything she's done to hurt you and you've won the game, congratulations! You can now move on and have relationships with new women!".
I know that's not healthy.
I feel stuck.
Based on my previous post, you can find out that I was essentially dumped in a relationship that just wasn't meant to work out. With all of the lack of communication from her end, it's a surprise she was the one to initiate the breakup.
But this leaves me with a lot of anger over being rejected by someone. I feel judged.
I am in therapy and we're working through things in regards to my family of origin and it's been going well so far but it'll take more time. I'm just looking for information from others in the meantime.
How can I get over the feeling of being rejected .. I WANT the answer to be .. "Find out that she's living miserably without you and regrets everything she's done to hurt you and you've won the game, congratulations! You can now move on and have relationships with new women!".
I know that's not healthy.
I feel stuck.
Use the anger. Use it to cultivate clarity and to decathect from her. If you weren't angry, you might unconsciously seek to overlook the destructive nature of the relationship. Instead, you can use your anger to see precisely why the relationship was wrong for you, gain insight, and move on. If you try to suppress it, you'll give it power over you. Instead, let your emotions be what they are and surf them the way a surfer rides a big wave.
posted by janey47 at 3:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by janey47 at 3:32 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you made a previous post it must have been anon? I am an angry person often but I do not act angrily and I think this is part of the thing. Having anger may be normal but it's a feeling and you can not let it affect the rest of your life and try to minimize its effects. Since I don't know the specifics it seems like this was a bad-fit relationship and she just beat you to ending it? In that case, it's a lot less like getting rejected and a lot more like being affirmed that it wasn't working out. She wasn't the right person for you and now you're not with her. That is how things are supposed to work. I don't know much about you so I can't tell you what works for you but here are a few things that works for me managing anger.
- "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." as a maxim. The anger has no outlet that will help things, it's just non-productive bad feeling. I really don't see it as you being rejected as much as "the thing you both had has ended"
- Maybe seeing anger as a toxic and ultimately non-productive thing that you are dealing with and often a thing that causes a lot of truly terrible behavior in gendered relationships (I do not know your gender) and maybe you can see it in the epidemic of spousal abuse and other bad stuff that you would never want to be a part of. It's disordered thinking that is sending you down these paths, affirmed by people who are not thinking or acting clearly and you need alternatives. Do not act like an entitled bad person, be better than that.
- Maybe there's some ur-rejection that you are processing through and using this break-up as a placeholder? Good question for therapy but a lot of times I look at my relationships with my parents or siblings and see if I am not maybe projecting a bad feeling that for whatever reason I can't work out with them on to this other person who is just ... trying to be themselves.
- Keeping a close hold on the anger is a sort of not-great way of maintaining the relationship except the relationship is 1. in your own mind 2. not containing anything good for you. Let the relationship truly go which means leaving her and her memory alone and finding ways to compartmentalize that feeling, not because it's not okay to feel that way, hey you feel what you feel, but because it doesn't get you anywhere but stuck, for now.
Time heals most non-fatal wounds and this breakup is a wound that needs time to heal. The less you pick the scab and find other things to do with your brain and time, the more the healing can happen.
posted by jessamyn at 3:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [13 favorites]
- "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." as a maxim. The anger has no outlet that will help things, it's just non-productive bad feeling. I really don't see it as you being rejected as much as "the thing you both had has ended"
- Maybe seeing anger as a toxic and ultimately non-productive thing that you are dealing with and often a thing that causes a lot of truly terrible behavior in gendered relationships (I do not know your gender) and maybe you can see it in the epidemic of spousal abuse and other bad stuff that you would never want to be a part of. It's disordered thinking that is sending you down these paths, affirmed by people who are not thinking or acting clearly and you need alternatives. Do not act like an entitled bad person, be better than that.
- Maybe there's some ur-rejection that you are processing through and using this break-up as a placeholder? Good question for therapy but a lot of times I look at my relationships with my parents or siblings and see if I am not maybe projecting a bad feeling that for whatever reason I can't work out with them on to this other person who is just ... trying to be themselves.
- Keeping a close hold on the anger is a sort of not-great way of maintaining the relationship except the relationship is 1. in your own mind 2. not containing anything good for you. Let the relationship truly go which means leaving her and her memory alone and finding ways to compartmentalize that feeling, not because it's not okay to feel that way, hey you feel what you feel, but because it doesn't get you anywhere but stuck, for now.
Time heals most non-fatal wounds and this breakup is a wound that needs time to heal. The less you pick the scab and find other things to do with your brain and time, the more the healing can happen.
posted by jessamyn at 3:35 PM on March 15, 2016 [13 favorites]
Best answer: Spring is a great time for renewal and jump starting your "new" life. You know, the one where you don't carry around all this negativity. Creating a ritual where you let it all go really does help, even if you don't think it will. Here's how I did it, you can change it to meet your own needs.
Pick a day that will be your renewal day. Buy a candle that has a fresh scent, maybe one that has a positive message that fits your situation. Spend the day cleaning your space thoroughly, get rid of clutter and trash. During the course of the day, make a list of all the negative thoughts you have about this breakup, your former partner, and your feelings of rejection. When your space is nice and clean and fresh smelling, take the list and tear them in to strips. Light the candle, read each one out loud, and then burn it. Visualize letting the thought go when you see it go up in smoke. It might feel kind of silly at first, but stick with it.
Then take a long bath or shower, and a nap. When you wake up, commit yourself to keeping the negative thoughts at bay. Every time one enters your mind, just tell yourself "no, I let that go." And search and find a positive thought to keep. It might take a week or so, but eventually you will "reset" your negative thinking.
This worked for me. I am not the kind of person that does this type of thing regularly. I only needed it once, and it worked.
posted by raisingsand at 3:54 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
Pick a day that will be your renewal day. Buy a candle that has a fresh scent, maybe one that has a positive message that fits your situation. Spend the day cleaning your space thoroughly, get rid of clutter and trash. During the course of the day, make a list of all the negative thoughts you have about this breakup, your former partner, and your feelings of rejection. When your space is nice and clean and fresh smelling, take the list and tear them in to strips. Light the candle, read each one out loud, and then burn it. Visualize letting the thought go when you see it go up in smoke. It might feel kind of silly at first, but stick with it.
Then take a long bath or shower, and a nap. When you wake up, commit yourself to keeping the negative thoughts at bay. Every time one enters your mind, just tell yourself "no, I let that go." And search and find a positive thought to keep. It might take a week or so, but eventually you will "reset" your negative thinking.
This worked for me. I am not the kind of person that does this type of thing regularly. I only needed it once, and it worked.
posted by raisingsand at 3:54 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
Best answer: It's your narrative, you're the one deciding that this is how you want to live with it.
Since this isn't working for you, maybe try compassion for her? It isn't really about you - you likely walked into something she had going on in her own head, something that was already in-progress when you got there. She made a miscalculation in taking on a situation with you, she got in over her head, it wasn't a good time/place for her. That sucks for both of you.
Being angry about rejection is...really problematic. It means you're mad she didn't do what you wanted, regardless of what she wanted. And like, it's sad that you are denied the thing you want, but that is still preferable to someone being forced to be in a relationship they don't want to be in.
Definitely decide to celebrate a stopping point for worrying about this thing that is over and unchangeable. Have a ritual, burn a thing, go do something for yourself that gives you a sense of opportunity. Face forward, disrupt these thoughts of how wronged you were with hopes that things go better for her in her future, and focus on making your own future great. That's the only thing you have any control over anyway.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [14 favorites]
Since this isn't working for you, maybe try compassion for her? It isn't really about you - you likely walked into something she had going on in her own head, something that was already in-progress when you got there. She made a miscalculation in taking on a situation with you, she got in over her head, it wasn't a good time/place for her. That sucks for both of you.
Being angry about rejection is...really problematic. It means you're mad she didn't do what you wanted, regardless of what she wanted. And like, it's sad that you are denied the thing you want, but that is still preferable to someone being forced to be in a relationship they don't want to be in.
Definitely decide to celebrate a stopping point for worrying about this thing that is over and unchangeable. Have a ritual, burn a thing, go do something for yourself that gives you a sense of opportunity. Face forward, disrupt these thoughts of how wronged you were with hopes that things go better for her in her future, and focus on making your own future great. That's the only thing you have any control over anyway.
posted by Lyn Never at 4:05 PM on March 15, 2016 [14 favorites]
If I remember correctly, this was your first long-term sexual relationship, and it was with a woman who seemed pretty consistently committed to being pretty casual about it, yes?
I suspect that you're less sad about being "rejected" than you are about the relationship ending. This was a big deal for you, and it is likely to take a good deal longer than 2 months to get over. I would imagine a change of environment would help, so if you're in school this summer should make things look quire different.
But one of the important lessons of moving through grown-up life is that every relationship fails until one doesn't. It's not about you specifically; it's about the fact that that is how all relationships work.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
I suspect that you're less sad about being "rejected" than you are about the relationship ending. This was a big deal for you, and it is likely to take a good deal longer than 2 months to get over. I would imagine a change of environment would help, so if you're in school this summer should make things look quire different.
But one of the important lessons of moving through grown-up life is that every relationship fails until one doesn't. It's not about you specifically; it's about the fact that that is how all relationships work.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:10 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
I WANT the answer to be .. "Find out that she's living miserably without you and regrets everything she's done to hurt you and you've won the game, congratulations! You can now move on and have relationships with new women!".
I think everyone has a moment like that after a hard breakup. The important thing is not to let it rule your life, and there is good advice here for letting it go. But if you must think of it like this, isn't pining over her and not moving on basically letting HER win? Don't let her win. Move on, work on yourself, date other people, and have an awesome time being you.
As they say, living well is the best revenge :)
posted by ananci at 4:12 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
I think everyone has a moment like that after a hard breakup. The important thing is not to let it rule your life, and there is good advice here for letting it go. But if you must think of it like this, isn't pining over her and not moving on basically letting HER win? Don't let her win. Move on, work on yourself, date other people, and have an awesome time being you.
As they say, living well is the best revenge :)
posted by ananci at 4:12 PM on March 15, 2016 [7 favorites]
Best answer: The longer you hold on to this, the more you poison yourself for the right person. Would YOU want to date a resentful, bitter, and spiteful person hellbent on making sure their ex remains miserable because it would help them feel better about having been dumped? No? Then snap out of it. She realized the relationship wasn't right, and she broke things off. She owes you nothing more -- in fact, she gave you a gift: the freedom to seek out someone who wants a committed relationship with you and not something casual.
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:27 PM on March 15, 2016 [15 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 4:27 PM on March 15, 2016 [15 favorites]
everything good in your life from now on will be as a direct result of where you are right now.
posted by Sebmojo at 4:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 4:48 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
You are grieving a loss in your life, even if it was necessary, and generally that requires a process that can feel painful. When we grieve, we often want quick fixes to make it go away. We want to trick the feeling into being something else, we want to self-medicate, we want to harden our feelings and suppress the grief as if it isn't there. It seems, though, that temporary fixes can often suppress things that eventually need to be dealt with. (That isn't to say that we can't do things to make ourselves feel better, or be informed about how to think differently about things, which can sometimes change our feelings; but only that some sad and unfortunate things need to be felt and processed.) There is a book called Ambiguous Grief that was pretty helpful to my wife and I when we went through a significant loss. Ambiguous grief is a type of grief that doesn't have a good point of potential resolution, which can sometimes feel like the case regarding breakups. For these types of things, I've found that talking to people who care deeply about me is always very helpful, especially if that pain strikes something significant about my feelings of self worth. A good therapist can help fill this role.
posted by SpacemanStix at 5:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
posted by SpacemanStix at 5:01 PM on March 15, 2016 [4 favorites]
Think of it as a neurological problem. Your amygdala is getting the signal that this was a very important event and is pouring in the chemicals that root that circuit deep in your attention pathways. In other words, you are obsessing about something because your brain is in a loop about it.
I advise starting a journal where you write down all the successful things that happened in and as a result of your relationship. Use it every time you start running your loop of anger. Counter-act the anger with positivity. It's way better to intentionally write things down (by hand) in a way that externalizes your memories so you can reflect on them as you do it. In the short term and long term, you will diffuse then disarm that kind of anger logic.
posted by diode at 5:04 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
I advise starting a journal where you write down all the successful things that happened in and as a result of your relationship. Use it every time you start running your loop of anger. Counter-act the anger with positivity. It's way better to intentionally write things down (by hand) in a way that externalizes your memories so you can reflect on them as you do it. In the short term and long term, you will diffuse then disarm that kind of anger logic.
posted by diode at 5:04 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Two things I use with anger:
1) Anger is often about unmet expectations, e.g., that she "should have" or "shouldn't have" done something, that she "owed you" something and didn't give it to you. If I can identify what that expectation is, I can often decide that it was pretty ridiculous.
2) Sometimes anger is a cover for hurt. It can help to try to extend compassion or concern for whatever part of myself is hurting. And sometimes anger is a defense against further hurt. Especially with a breakup, it can really help to remind myself that I never have to see that person again and that their ability to hurt me is over.
posted by salvia at 5:40 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
1) Anger is often about unmet expectations, e.g., that she "should have" or "shouldn't have" done something, that she "owed you" something and didn't give it to you. If I can identify what that expectation is, I can often decide that it was pretty ridiculous.
2) Sometimes anger is a cover for hurt. It can help to try to extend compassion or concern for whatever part of myself is hurting. And sometimes anger is a defense against further hurt. Especially with a breakup, it can really help to remind myself that I never have to see that person again and that their ability to hurt me is over.
posted by salvia at 5:40 PM on March 15, 2016 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Your post has three really good insights:
1. It was "a relationship that just wasn't meant to work out." So you knew it would end and it sounds like you were ok with that - as long as you did the ending. So that might have more to do with a loss of control than with rejection.
2. She wasn't a good communicator. So even if she initiated the breakup, she's just bumbling along trying to figure things out as she goes just like you are. If you can see her as the flawed person she is, then her opinion of you holds less weight - and her initiating the breakup will sting less as a result.
3. You're in therapy dealing with family-of-origin crap, so this probably isn't about her anyway. Your anger might be even bigger than you think it is, but it's probably misdirected. It's safer than expressing anger at family though - there's no risk, she's already gone and not that important to you anyway.
Keep doing what you're doing, you'll get there.
posted by headnsouth at 5:41 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
1. It was "a relationship that just wasn't meant to work out." So you knew it would end and it sounds like you were ok with that - as long as you did the ending. So that might have more to do with a loss of control than with rejection.
2. She wasn't a good communicator. So even if she initiated the breakup, she's just bumbling along trying to figure things out as she goes just like you are. If you can see her as the flawed person she is, then her opinion of you holds less weight - and her initiating the breakup will sting less as a result.
3. You're in therapy dealing with family-of-origin crap, so this probably isn't about her anyway. Your anger might be even bigger than you think it is, but it's probably misdirected. It's safer than expressing anger at family though - there's no risk, she's already gone and not that important to you anyway.
Keep doing what you're doing, you'll get there.
posted by headnsouth at 5:41 PM on March 15, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I was an incredibly angry young woman. My therapist used to tell me all the time that if you dig beneath the surface, anger is a cover for hurt.
You need to deal with the deeper hurt. You are staying angry in part as a shield. You are not willing to get with anyone else because you are afraid of being hurt again. Anger prevents you from being hurt by preventing you from getting with someone new.
You need to figure out what went wrong and why so that you can feel confident that you can navigate a new relationship. You feel blindsided by this and thus you feel defenseless. Work on gaining insight so you can move forward confidently.
In other words, you fear that if you get with someone new, the same thing will happen and you will not see it coming and have no means to protect yourself. This situation is best remedied by better understanding what went wrong so you can avoid repeating the experience.
posted by Michele in California at 5:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
You need to deal with the deeper hurt. You are staying angry in part as a shield. You are not willing to get with anyone else because you are afraid of being hurt again. Anger prevents you from being hurt by preventing you from getting with someone new.
You need to figure out what went wrong and why so that you can feel confident that you can navigate a new relationship. You feel blindsided by this and thus you feel defenseless. Work on gaining insight so you can move forward confidently.
In other words, you fear that if you get with someone new, the same thing will happen and you will not see it coming and have no means to protect yourself. This situation is best remedied by better understanding what went wrong so you can avoid repeating the experience.
posted by Michele in California at 5:49 PM on March 15, 2016 [12 favorites]
It sounds like you're doing all the "right" things in terms of cutting off contact, going to therapy, and staying busy. Good for you! I think how you're feeling is well in the range of "natural" feelings after a break-up. It's still rather fresh and was a big deal so I'd try to allow yourself to feel that anger. Acting on it would be bad or ruminating would be painful but simply feeling it is OK. You're acknowledging it but you could also consider accepting it as the current status quo. Trying to figure out why and berating yourself for feeling it likely won't be productive; you've got therapy to look deeper but I'd try to give yourself more of a break in your day-to-day.
I've been actively dating people for a decade and a half, and have had many break-ups over the time. Some felt easier than others, and some caused anger and pain that lingered for a few years. Even when I was happy in a later relationship, I still felt some of that anger; it didn't consume me anymore but would strike occasionally. Having a friend tell me I was "allowed" to mourn and be angry, even for much longer than felt natural, was a relief to me; in fact, simply knowing this even helped me start finding peace.
The good news is that, regardless of the sting, I've been able to eventually let go of the anger in every single situation! It was a natural process that happened over time: introspection helped but it wasn't something I could just wish away. Some people seem to have this talent or skill but I don't! Now this doesn't mean I want to become friends with all those exes and sometimes there's a certain schadenfreude that will never go away. But mostly I wish them well, if from a distance. I've been in my current relationship for going on three years and I don't think I'd be angry were to break up anytime soon, not that I'd want to. It's less about apathy but more about healthy balance and finding a healthy partner who brings out the best in me and, hopefully, vice versa. That said, I'm grateful for those past relationships, bad break-ups and once-lingering anger and all, because they've gotten me to the sweet place I am in now (as a human being, not just as a coupled person.) But, yeah, rejection sucks but at least that feeling isn't permanent, and can eventually lead to better stuff!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:24 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
I've been actively dating people for a decade and a half, and have had many break-ups over the time. Some felt easier than others, and some caused anger and pain that lingered for a few years. Even when I was happy in a later relationship, I still felt some of that anger; it didn't consume me anymore but would strike occasionally. Having a friend tell me I was "allowed" to mourn and be angry, even for much longer than felt natural, was a relief to me; in fact, simply knowing this even helped me start finding peace.
The good news is that, regardless of the sting, I've been able to eventually let go of the anger in every single situation! It was a natural process that happened over time: introspection helped but it wasn't something I could just wish away. Some people seem to have this talent or skill but I don't! Now this doesn't mean I want to become friends with all those exes and sometimes there's a certain schadenfreude that will never go away. But mostly I wish them well, if from a distance. I've been in my current relationship for going on three years and I don't think I'd be angry were to break up anytime soon, not that I'd want to. It's less about apathy but more about healthy balance and finding a healthy partner who brings out the best in me and, hopefully, vice versa. That said, I'm grateful for those past relationships, bad break-ups and once-lingering anger and all, because they've gotten me to the sweet place I am in now (as a human being, not just as a coupled person.) But, yeah, rejection sucks but at least that feeling isn't permanent, and can eventually lead to better stuff!
posted by smorgasbord at 6:24 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
Sometimes I remind myself that I want everything to be freely chosen. If someone doesn't want to be with me, then I want them to walk away - however much it hurts me - because I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. And I would rather be alone than with someone who doesn't think I'm kinda awesome.
I don't know if it helps at all to frame it that way. The end of a first relationship is very difficult for most people. It will take a while, but eventually you'll look back on this with a shrug and perhaps a little fondness for your past self and for her. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 7:28 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't know if it helps at all to frame it that way. The end of a first relationship is very difficult for most people. It will take a while, but eventually you'll look back on this with a shrug and perhaps a little fondness for your past self and for her. Good luck.
posted by bunderful at 7:28 PM on March 15, 2016 [2 favorites]
Join the gym.
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:37 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:37 PM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
This is not the answer you want, but it's the truth: time. Time and distance will ease the feelings of anger, hurt, and rejection, especially as you move onto things and encounter people that make you genuinely happy. There is no quick fix, and, even when you pass through your intense negative feelings about the relationship and towards her, there may be moments when you think, "shit, I wanted to win before her!" That's completely normal, but, if that happens, you should pause and rethink your definition of winning because you really won't know what's going on in her life and how happy (or not) she actually is. Eventually, your focus will shift from her, your relationship, and what it could have been to you, who you are in that moment, and what actually is happening in your life.
You get there by investing in yourself, choosing what is truly best for you, and, perhaps, some "faking it until you make it" strategies. You'll pass through this, but you currently are mourning this relationship and that means making your way through all the stages of grief, which include anger and sadness, before you reach acceptance. Good luck, everything will become worlds better, often when you least expect it, which may sound like another tired cliche, but, more often than not, it's true.
posted by katemcd at 9:03 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
You get there by investing in yourself, choosing what is truly best for you, and, perhaps, some "faking it until you make it" strategies. You'll pass through this, but you currently are mourning this relationship and that means making your way through all the stages of grief, which include anger and sadness, before you reach acceptance. Good luck, everything will become worlds better, often when you least expect it, which may sound like another tired cliche, but, more often than not, it's true.
posted by katemcd at 9:03 PM on March 15, 2016 [3 favorites]
It has ONLY been 2 months! Give yourself 6 to 12. Yes, I know:( it's like having all your limbs broken - whatever you do only time will heal it:(
posted by sill i dill at 1:56 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by sill i dill at 1:56 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Two months really isn't a lot of time after a break up. Just keep living your life and trying new things and meeting new people and stay no contact. And when you notice yourself starting to think about the break up and how awful it made you feel, go do something instead of letting yourself sit and wallow. Call a friend, go see a movie, go for a run. The pain you're in right now will fade over time, but only if you give it a chance to.
posted by colfax at 2:10 AM on March 16, 2016
posted by colfax at 2:10 AM on March 16, 2016
It sounds like you need more time. It also sounds like you're still ruminating on your anger, still bringing up old hurts to chew on them and get angry about them all over again, but you're not gaining new insights when you do this and it just makes you feel angrier and angrier.
As an immediate coping strategy for when the anger is intrusive, you can try thought-stopping (when you catch yourself obsessing over the rejection, tell yourself "no I am not doing this anymore, it gets me nowhere", and then go do something that takes your mind off of it) or thought-substituting (when you catch yourself saying negative things about her, correct yourself and say less negative -> positive things, so when you're getting vengeful try being like "well the relationship wasn't working and that sucks" and slowly move toward saying "I hope her subsequent relationships go better, I hope mine go better"). They sound kind of woo but the key is persistence, the longer you refuse to engage the easier it gets, and eventually your brain will stop dropping you in the rut whenever you have a moment's pause.
When you can think about the breakup without going to vengeful rage land, try to dig deeper. What is it about the rejection that stings so much? Do you feel that you were treated unfairly or that you tried harder than she did or that you two could've fixed it if she'd just given it the chance? Find the real root of your frustration, the unmet need that ticked you off, and let yourself be upset about that. Let yourself be sad, if you can. Grieving can help with diffusing anger.
You mention family of origin work in therapy - what's your link between the two? What does the rejection remind you of? Are you having emotional flashbacks that are making you feel more stuck in your anger? (If the idea of emotional flashbacks does resonate, you might want to pick up Pete Walker's book about CPTSD.)
Note: I am not saying "don't be angry", anger is an entirely valid emotion when something like this happens and judging yourself for being angry isn't the solution either. The key is to reach a point where the anger is temporary and doesn't take control of you, where you can feel things other than anger, and where you can calm yourself down instead of getting stuck in a keyed up ARGHHH state.
Best of luck! I know two months feels like a long time but try to be patient with yourself. It's not just about this one hurt/this one rejection, it's about all the others that came before and get dragged back up, and that will take time to work through.
posted by buteo at 7:13 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
As an immediate coping strategy for when the anger is intrusive, you can try thought-stopping (when you catch yourself obsessing over the rejection, tell yourself "no I am not doing this anymore, it gets me nowhere", and then go do something that takes your mind off of it) or thought-substituting (when you catch yourself saying negative things about her, correct yourself and say less negative -> positive things, so when you're getting vengeful try being like "well the relationship wasn't working and that sucks" and slowly move toward saying "I hope her subsequent relationships go better, I hope mine go better"). They sound kind of woo but the key is persistence, the longer you refuse to engage the easier it gets, and eventually your brain will stop dropping you in the rut whenever you have a moment's pause.
When you can think about the breakup without going to vengeful rage land, try to dig deeper. What is it about the rejection that stings so much? Do you feel that you were treated unfairly or that you tried harder than she did or that you two could've fixed it if she'd just given it the chance? Find the real root of your frustration, the unmet need that ticked you off, and let yourself be upset about that. Let yourself be sad, if you can. Grieving can help with diffusing anger.
You mention family of origin work in therapy - what's your link between the two? What does the rejection remind you of? Are you having emotional flashbacks that are making you feel more stuck in your anger? (If the idea of emotional flashbacks does resonate, you might want to pick up Pete Walker's book about CPTSD.)
Note: I am not saying "don't be angry", anger is an entirely valid emotion when something like this happens and judging yourself for being angry isn't the solution either. The key is to reach a point where the anger is temporary and doesn't take control of you, where you can feel things other than anger, and where you can calm yourself down instead of getting stuck in a keyed up ARGHHH state.
Best of luck! I know two months feels like a long time but try to be patient with yourself. It's not just about this one hurt/this one rejection, it's about all the others that came before and get dragged back up, and that will take time to work through.
posted by buteo at 7:13 AM on March 16, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: How can I get over the feeling of being rejected ..
- Normalize it. Just about everyone experiences rejection. Why shouldn't you? It's part of the normal course of events on the dating scene.
- Accept it. Rejection sucks. It happens, yes -- but it hurts. As others have said, the sting will lessen with time. And your ability to bounce back will add to your resilience and character. Right now you're angry -- that's normal. Can you accept your anger instead of wishing it away?
- You feel judged: I get that. However, you're giving this person too much power. Even if they judge/d you -- so what? Are they the Ruler of the Universe? They're another human just like you, with flaws, weaknesses and strengths -- their opinion of you isn't a referendum on your worth. People are going to judge you. Even people you love. Their judgment isn't going to destroy you. Life goes on.
I say all of this as someone who has experienced rejection, felt judged by ex lovers and crushes -- the feelings you describe are normal, human things. I think what's helped me get over feeling judged or rejected in the past is just.. focusing on my happiness. Doing my own thing. Giving myself time to grieve a heart-break. Finding creative outlets for my feelings. Therapy (years of it -- you can't expect to get over something like this in 2 months) .. Also: Respecting other people's autonomy and right to judge me if they please. Now, if someone judges or rejects me -- it might sting or feel upsetting, but I can live with it, because I invest a lot of time and energy into building up my own self esteem and my self-validation.
Hang in there - be easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:32 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
- Normalize it. Just about everyone experiences rejection. Why shouldn't you? It's part of the normal course of events on the dating scene.
- Accept it. Rejection sucks. It happens, yes -- but it hurts. As others have said, the sting will lessen with time. And your ability to bounce back will add to your resilience and character. Right now you're angry -- that's normal. Can you accept your anger instead of wishing it away?
- You feel judged: I get that. However, you're giving this person too much power. Even if they judge/d you -- so what? Are they the Ruler of the Universe? They're another human just like you, with flaws, weaknesses and strengths -- their opinion of you isn't a referendum on your worth. People are going to judge you. Even people you love. Their judgment isn't going to destroy you. Life goes on.
I say all of this as someone who has experienced rejection, felt judged by ex lovers and crushes -- the feelings you describe are normal, human things. I think what's helped me get over feeling judged or rejected in the past is just.. focusing on my happiness. Doing my own thing. Giving myself time to grieve a heart-break. Finding creative outlets for my feelings. Therapy (years of it -- you can't expect to get over something like this in 2 months) .. Also: Respecting other people's autonomy and right to judge me if they please. Now, if someone judges or rejects me -- it might sting or feel upsetting, but I can live with it, because I invest a lot of time and energy into building up my own self esteem and my self-validation.
Hang in there - be easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal.
posted by Gray Skies at 8:32 PM on March 16, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I think what I am most bitter and angry about is that I had a good friend that I spent a lot of time with and the ultimate failure for it to develop into an idealistic romantic relationship means that I lost a friend in the process.
The advice is all sound.
posted by pixelsnbits at 1:16 PM on March 18, 2016
The advice is all sound.
posted by pixelsnbits at 1:16 PM on March 18, 2016
Re: your update. I understand.. but, there's another way of framing it: You had a romantic adventure that didn't work out as you hoped, the relationship & friendship ended -- but you still learned a lot, had some good times, grew as a human being, stretched your heart, got hurt but got back up. The friendship you had will always be apart of you - even if you're no longer in touch. It's part of your life story and the story of your heart. The anger and bitterness are normal but give it time and see how/if your feelings change.
posted by Gray Skies at 9:00 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Gray Skies at 9:00 PM on March 18, 2016 [1 favorite]
Food for thought:
Rich flavors, like chocolate and coffee, are bitter until you add a sweetener. Bittersweet experiences are part and parcel of having a rich life.
Try to find a way to sweeten the experience. But don't just let it embitter you. To some degree, that is a choice, especially over time.
posted by Michele in California at 10:56 AM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Rich flavors, like chocolate and coffee, are bitter until you add a sweetener. Bittersweet experiences are part and parcel of having a rich life.
Try to find a way to sweeten the experience. But don't just let it embitter you. To some degree, that is a choice, especially over time.
posted by Michele in California at 10:56 AM on March 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I could have posted this question 3-4 months ago. You can find my general/sadness rage under past questions should you wish to. When it came down to it, it wasn't the right time for us for friendship, love or anything else.
I read something here that said anger is often covering up hurt. I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Nearly 4 months on, there are still times when I feel heart-heaving sorrow. Because I really loved him. I decided to stop trying to analyse the situation it would never change the outcome and wasn't serving me (well okay, sometimes I still analyse it a little bit, but I'm only human). It is only now that I am starting to move into another stage. One that sort of reflects the two posts above by Michele in California & Gray Skies where I think I'll always have an immense amount of love in my heart for this person even though it is very unlikely we will ever be in each others lives again in any real way. The legacy left overall was positive and it matters. I hope you feel better in time.
posted by Ariel432 at 2:07 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
I read something here that said anger is often covering up hurt. I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Nearly 4 months on, there are still times when I feel heart-heaving sorrow. Because I really loved him. I decided to stop trying to analyse the situation it would never change the outcome and wasn't serving me (well okay, sometimes I still analyse it a little bit, but I'm only human). It is only now that I am starting to move into another stage. One that sort of reflects the two posts above by Michele in California & Gray Skies where I think I'll always have an immense amount of love in my heart for this person even though it is very unlikely we will ever be in each others lives again in any real way. The legacy left overall was positive and it matters. I hope you feel better in time.
posted by Ariel432 at 2:07 PM on March 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by erst at 3:28 PM on March 15, 2016 [6 favorites]