i love you, but your happiness is smothering me
July 25, 2015 11:52 PM Subscribe
As someone with a history of transcience and instability, can I be happy in a relationship with someone who's had a very conventional life? A looooong explanation follows.
I've moved around a lot in my twentysomething years of existence. I was born in a developing country and my parents uprooted the family to the US when I was in elementary school. They got divorced when I was twelve, and I moved across the country, away from my new childhood friends. Even at such a young age, I felt distant from the people around me because they had all known each since they were in diapers. Through a scholarship, I had the opportunity to move abroad in my last year of high school so I left and I didn't look back. From 17 to 23, I moved to a new city every two years or so.
At 20, I was engaged, a decision I made partly because I had the deep desire to finally put roots down. For once, I was happy, but the relationship fell apart two years later when I was raped by a classmate and my former partner and I couldn't cope with the way it changed me.
Now I'm living in my latest city and I've been seeing someone for seven months. It's a relationship that's turned fairly serious. My partner (M, 24) is a patient, caring, loving person, but I find his background so alien that I'm struggling to fit in with his life and his social circle. In brief, his life has been the polar opposite of mine in terms of stability. He grew up with his best friends in one city. They all went to university together. Post-uni, they all moved to a different city together. He visits his parents regularly because he enjoys catching up with them. (They only live about 45 minutes away from here.) I don't get along with my parents, and even if I did, they live a 10-hour flight away.
I've struggled to explain to him how I've felt like an outsider my entire life. It's a concept he simply doesn't understand. He has spent his entire life buoyed by a sea of love and support. I've spent most of my life getting by on my own and it hurts to see what my life could have been but wasn't, the love and connection to others I could have experienced but haven't.
Being with his family and his friends is like being subjected to a decades-long inside joke that I will never be a part of. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought it'd get better but it seems it's only gotten worse. I find myself increasingly bored and isolated from them--which isn't to say they're boring; the paradigm of happy childhood -> school -> uni -> job -> mortgage is something that doesn't resonate with me, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong way to live. Of course, I also try to consider the adage, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." I don't know their whole lives. They've had struggles. It's unfair to deny them that, but the thought of spending the rest of my life subjected to their endless stream of nostalgia for shit that happened ten years ago and ten minutes ago terrifies me. The conversations about holidays in Spain, buying first homes, the funny thing that happened at prom, it makes me feel so very trapped.
I love my partner. He's offered to join me when I said I want to move somewhere, anywhere, far away when my master's program ends next year. But he doesn't get what it's like for me to have lost so many people, to have lost the life and person I was before I was raped, and what that's done to my psyche in terms of loneliness. And I don't get his happiness. I don't know if I ever will. He once told me that his years at uni were the best years of his life, and I broke down in tears.
So all this brings me to the questions that need answering, namely: Does this mean we're fundamentally incompatible? Am I wrong for having that small part of me that feels so stuck I want to leave? Can I leave?
(To pre-empt AskMeFi classics, I have a therapist, my own friends and a varied collection of hobbies.)
I've moved around a lot in my twentysomething years of existence. I was born in a developing country and my parents uprooted the family to the US when I was in elementary school. They got divorced when I was twelve, and I moved across the country, away from my new childhood friends. Even at such a young age, I felt distant from the people around me because they had all known each since they were in diapers. Through a scholarship, I had the opportunity to move abroad in my last year of high school so I left and I didn't look back. From 17 to 23, I moved to a new city every two years or so.
At 20, I was engaged, a decision I made partly because I had the deep desire to finally put roots down. For once, I was happy, but the relationship fell apart two years later when I was raped by a classmate and my former partner and I couldn't cope with the way it changed me.
Now I'm living in my latest city and I've been seeing someone for seven months. It's a relationship that's turned fairly serious. My partner (M, 24) is a patient, caring, loving person, but I find his background so alien that I'm struggling to fit in with his life and his social circle. In brief, his life has been the polar opposite of mine in terms of stability. He grew up with his best friends in one city. They all went to university together. Post-uni, they all moved to a different city together. He visits his parents regularly because he enjoys catching up with them. (They only live about 45 minutes away from here.) I don't get along with my parents, and even if I did, they live a 10-hour flight away.
I've struggled to explain to him how I've felt like an outsider my entire life. It's a concept he simply doesn't understand. He has spent his entire life buoyed by a sea of love and support. I've spent most of my life getting by on my own and it hurts to see what my life could have been but wasn't, the love and connection to others I could have experienced but haven't.
Being with his family and his friends is like being subjected to a decades-long inside joke that I will never be a part of. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought it'd get better but it seems it's only gotten worse. I find myself increasingly bored and isolated from them--which isn't to say they're boring; the paradigm of happy childhood -> school -> uni -> job -> mortgage is something that doesn't resonate with me, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong way to live. Of course, I also try to consider the adage, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." I don't know their whole lives. They've had struggles. It's unfair to deny them that, but the thought of spending the rest of my life subjected to their endless stream of nostalgia for shit that happened ten years ago and ten minutes ago terrifies me. The conversations about holidays in Spain, buying first homes, the funny thing that happened at prom, it makes me feel so very trapped.
I love my partner. He's offered to join me when I said I want to move somewhere, anywhere, far away when my master's program ends next year. But he doesn't get what it's like for me to have lost so many people, to have lost the life and person I was before I was raped, and what that's done to my psyche in terms of loneliness. And I don't get his happiness. I don't know if I ever will. He once told me that his years at uni were the best years of his life, and I broke down in tears.
So all this brings me to the questions that need answering, namely: Does this mean we're fundamentally incompatible? Am I wrong for having that small part of me that feels so stuck I want to leave? Can I leave?
(To pre-empt AskMeFi classics, I have a therapist, my own friends and a varied collection of hobbies.)
Consider the possibility you might be feeling a need to close the door on the possibility of being loved and accepted by his group of close-knit friends because leaving is what you understand and are more comfortable with.
No, I don't think this makes you fundamentally incompatible. I read you as longing for connection yet not knowing how to seek it out, establish it, and maintain it. Try working on that. I think it might be what you are actually looking for.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 12:07 AM on July 26, 2015 [18 favorites]
No, I don't think this makes you fundamentally incompatible. I read you as longing for connection yet not knowing how to seek it out, establish it, and maintain it. Try working on that. I think it might be what you are actually looking for.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 12:07 AM on July 26, 2015 [18 favorites]
I feel for you. I've been through less than you, I would say, and I still sometimes envy my friends and partner, who seemed to have had it easier in life. But we're only in our twenties. A lot can change, and I like to tell myself that we're better prepared for eventual desaster because we're kind of used to it. If uni was the best time of his life, that means it's over, whereas your best time will come in the future.
I also think it may be good for us to hang out with people who are stabler than we are. My boyfriend balances me out and reassures me when I get anxious or sad, and if I think of possible future children, it's good that one of us has happy childhood memories so he knows how to recreated them. I think - and I've seen that with other couples, too - that while two people with similar traumata can commiserate better, they probably make for rather unstable relationships. But of course I may be wrong here.
Of course you could leave, too, if you wanted to. But I also think, like sevensnowflakes said, that you're maybe scared to accept the happiness he brings you because you're used to losing things. If being with him really hurts too much, or you're sure you really don't love him and it's not anxiety speaking (what does your therapist say about this?), of course you can leave him.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:10 AM on July 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
I also think it may be good for us to hang out with people who are stabler than we are. My boyfriend balances me out and reassures me when I get anxious or sad, and if I think of possible future children, it's good that one of us has happy childhood memories so he knows how to recreated them. I think - and I've seen that with other couples, too - that while two people with similar traumata can commiserate better, they probably make for rather unstable relationships. But of course I may be wrong here.
Of course you could leave, too, if you wanted to. But I also think, like sevensnowflakes said, that you're maybe scared to accept the happiness he brings you because you're used to losing things. If being with him really hurts too much, or you're sure you really don't love him and it's not anxiety speaking (what does your therapist say about this?), of course you can leave him.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 12:10 AM on July 26, 2015 [6 favorites]
I know it's trite, but the saying "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides" resonates with me - as someone who has been through a lot of trauma, it can feel lonely to be around folks who seem happy, even if I love them.
I would be honest with your partner about your fears, but not in a way that lets those fears control you/lead you to self-destructive and self-defeating behavior. However, I would imagine your partner is sensing your contempt for them/their family, and I would want to know why if I were your partner.
The older you get, the easier these feelings become to handle. I'm rooting for you!
posted by superlibby at 12:44 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I would be honest with your partner about your fears, but not in a way that lets those fears control you/lead you to self-destructive and self-defeating behavior. However, I would imagine your partner is sensing your contempt for them/their family, and I would want to know why if I were your partner.
The older you get, the easier these feelings become to handle. I'm rooting for you!
posted by superlibby at 12:44 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
No. I wouldn't say that it makes you fundamentally incompatible, but I think it does mean that if/when your relationship becomes more serious you need to talk about what the differences mean.
As a life-long expat who married a foreign partner who I met in his native country, I wish I had done some of the soul searching you're doing now. You're right to think about these things, and any long term relationship will be stronger for considering them.
Culture will be a lot more relative to you than it will be to him. Just by being with someone from a different culture, your partner will be setting himself apart. Does he really understand that? Will he still understand that in 10 years if you have different ideas about what family means or how children can be raised? How will he feel if his friends or family find you challenging simply because you are foreign? These kinds of issues do not need to be deal-breakers, but they should be discussed.
Good luck to you.
posted by frumiousb at 1:31 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
As a life-long expat who married a foreign partner who I met in his native country, I wish I had done some of the soul searching you're doing now. You're right to think about these things, and any long term relationship will be stronger for considering them.
Culture will be a lot more relative to you than it will be to him. Just by being with someone from a different culture, your partner will be setting himself apart. Does he really understand that? Will he still understand that in 10 years if you have different ideas about what family means or how children can be raised? How will he feel if his friends or family find you challenging simply because you are foreign? These kinds of issues do not need to be deal-breakers, but they should be discussed.
Good luck to you.
posted by frumiousb at 1:31 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
You know, this is a question where either option -- staying together or breaking up -- seems viable and OK. I could see how this is something that eventually you'll feel OK about; after all, seven months is a relatively short time for a relationship. That said, it's also long enough if you are feeling in your heart that it's just not the right match for you. It's OK to end something that looks good on paper but just doesn't feel right in person; for some people, this would be a sign to break up. For others, this would be a sign to stick to it and grow so that comfort can come later. What do you think it is for you?
I have three questions and then an anecdote.
1. Does your partner truly listen and care about your experiences and perspectives. It's one thing for a partner to say, "I am listening and am sympathetic to how you're feeling right now. I don't know what that's like from my own experience but I know it was hard on you and I want to validate that." It's another to say, "Ugh, that's such a downer. Let's never discuss this again."
2. Do you feel you can be yourself about your partner and fully honest about this stuff? Do you feel that he fully loves and accepts you as you are right now?
3. Do you keep mourning the loss of your ex, like comparing this current guy to the old one and feeling like the old one was better (even if you know he really wasn't?) If that's the case, I'd say a break-up is right. You may still value things in past relationships when your current one is a good match; however, you also feel grateful that those relationships ended so you could be with your current partner. (I'm not talking about being grateful for the hardships, no way! I'm talking about making peace with your past -- not necessarily 100% but enough so you can focus on the new one happily.)
Some personal experience: I am someone who has a lot of privilege AND has also overcome hardship; ideally, I've always wanted a partner who "gets" it. People with crappy childhoods can grow up to be amazing people but they can also be crappy people or at least have crappy families that you'd have to put up with. (I'm thinking of one of my exes.) I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend's family and friends are better than this scenario. What I AM saying is that the opposite would likely be equally difficult but in different ways. I'm guessing you want something more in the middle?
Another ex went through a lot of hardship growing up. He grew up to be successful on paper and determined to have a life that looked very mainstream and stereotypically happy like you describe your boyfriend's. I want the happiness in life but I relish feeling and being different in many ways; I was and will always be. Having a partner who wanted to pretend that part of his background wasn't there and who wanted me to join in his performance by sacrificing part of my identity? No way! He was a fine person but this was not the life of acting that I wanted.
My current partner is amazing; sadly, he's had to -- still has to -- overcome a great deal of adversity in his life. His external challenges make me furious but they make him grateful because they've helped make him into the (wonderful) person he is. He strives to feel comfortable with my privilege and not resent me for it (surprisingly this isn't an issue although he'll resent others at times) and I strive to not get too angry or stress too much about the challenges he faces. There have been high points and low points but, two years in, I can tell you that it just works for us! I don't know if you and your partner are a good match where you're still getting-to-know each other and accept and love each other OR if something if off and it's so subtly glaring that nothing can be done to fix it. I do wish you strength and compassion while you figure it out. Whatever happens, I just really want you to be OK; I'm sorry you've been dealt such an unfair hand in life. Changing the past isn't possible; gosh, I wish it were for you! However, you do deserve to feel happier as your life continues. If you're just not happy with your current partner, maybe it's time to move on alone.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:32 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
I have three questions and then an anecdote.
1. Does your partner truly listen and care about your experiences and perspectives. It's one thing for a partner to say, "I am listening and am sympathetic to how you're feeling right now. I don't know what that's like from my own experience but I know it was hard on you and I want to validate that." It's another to say, "Ugh, that's such a downer. Let's never discuss this again."
2. Do you feel you can be yourself about your partner and fully honest about this stuff? Do you feel that he fully loves and accepts you as you are right now?
3. Do you keep mourning the loss of your ex, like comparing this current guy to the old one and feeling like the old one was better (even if you know he really wasn't?) If that's the case, I'd say a break-up is right. You may still value things in past relationships when your current one is a good match; however, you also feel grateful that those relationships ended so you could be with your current partner. (I'm not talking about being grateful for the hardships, no way! I'm talking about making peace with your past -- not necessarily 100% but enough so you can focus on the new one happily.)
Some personal experience: I am someone who has a lot of privilege AND has also overcome hardship; ideally, I've always wanted a partner who "gets" it. People with crappy childhoods can grow up to be amazing people but they can also be crappy people or at least have crappy families that you'd have to put up with. (I'm thinking of one of my exes.) I'm not trying to say that your boyfriend's family and friends are better than this scenario. What I AM saying is that the opposite would likely be equally difficult but in different ways. I'm guessing you want something more in the middle?
Another ex went through a lot of hardship growing up. He grew up to be successful on paper and determined to have a life that looked very mainstream and stereotypically happy like you describe your boyfriend's. I want the happiness in life but I relish feeling and being different in many ways; I was and will always be. Having a partner who wanted to pretend that part of his background wasn't there and who wanted me to join in his performance by sacrificing part of my identity? No way! He was a fine person but this was not the life of acting that I wanted.
My current partner is amazing; sadly, he's had to -- still has to -- overcome a great deal of adversity in his life. His external challenges make me furious but they make him grateful because they've helped make him into the (wonderful) person he is. He strives to feel comfortable with my privilege and not resent me for it (surprisingly this isn't an issue although he'll resent others at times) and I strive to not get too angry or stress too much about the challenges he faces. There have been high points and low points but, two years in, I can tell you that it just works for us! I don't know if you and your partner are a good match where you're still getting-to-know each other and accept and love each other OR if something if off and it's so subtly glaring that nothing can be done to fix it. I do wish you strength and compassion while you figure it out. Whatever happens, I just really want you to be OK; I'm sorry you've been dealt such an unfair hand in life. Changing the past isn't possible; gosh, I wish it were for you! However, you do deserve to feel happier as your life continues. If you're just not happy with your current partner, maybe it's time to move on alone.
posted by smorgasbord at 1:32 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
People often seek repetition. Be wary of this. In the past, outside forces separated you from stability and happiness. Don't let inside forces do the same to you - don't become your own jailor - don't let your anxieties trick you into thinking that a relationship with person from a seemingly more stable background is a problem in and of itself.
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:37 AM on July 26, 2015 [32 favorites]
posted by Sticherbeast at 1:37 AM on July 26, 2015 [32 favorites]
Regardless of the difference in hardship in your pasts, your boyfriend's friend group doesn't sound particularly welcoming or fun for you. A sign of adult maturity imho is being able to carry on conversations that are interesting and inclusive of all members of the group. Seems like these people are kind of immature or at least dull, talking about high school inside jokes all the time, that have probably been talked about 100 times already. Of course every friend group has its own storybook so to speak but especially if these people self proclaim to have peaked in university maybe they just aren't doing things to form new memories?
As to the main part of your question though, I think you do deserve to be understood, and like you I'm a bit skeptical that someone who has never experienced being an outsider in any significant way can really get your struggle. Perhaps an extremely empathetic partner could do it. Obviously, it's up to you to determine whether this current relationship is doing it for you or not, and either way is totally understandable.
posted by internet of pillows at 4:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
As to the main part of your question though, I think you do deserve to be understood, and like you I'm a bit skeptical that someone who has never experienced being an outsider in any significant way can really get your struggle. Perhaps an extremely empathetic partner could do it. Obviously, it's up to you to determine whether this current relationship is doing it for you or not, and either way is totally understandable.
posted by internet of pillows at 4:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [10 favorites]
I think there's a big difference between "stability and happiness" and the kind of extreme preschool-to-mortgage uniformity you're describing in your current partner's social group. It's possible to be emotionally stable without having your life run by that kind of extreme social clannishness.
It sounds like there are two things going on here-- you're processing the grief over the losses and sadness you've suffered in your life, and how different you are in that respect from your partner, AND you find his lifestyle claustrophobic. Part of your alienation is with his white picket fence happy upbringing, but I suspect if his social circle were dysfunctional or full or loss and struggle-- but still made up of the same people he'd known since preschool, and none of them had any bigger ambitions or planned any changes to their life trajectory-- you would probably still be feeling like you were on the outside of ten years of inside jokes.
"The thought of spending the rest of my life subjected to their endless stream of nostalgia for shit that happened ten years ago and ten minutes ago terrifies me. The conversations about holidays in Spain, buying first homes, the funny thing that happened at prom, it makes me feel so very trapped. " Listen to your gut here. You feel trapped. This is not the social life for you. This is not the future you want. You don't want to have peaked in college.
It's okay to say that you're still searching for the life you want to live and that you think these people, who have everything planned out already, who seem happy to live lives that are already written out from beginning to end, are boring. It's okay to feel completely alienated by the fact that your partner doesn't have anything other than an emotionally immature "that's rough, buddy" reaction to your upbringing or your rape or any of the things that you've gone through. You're being urged not to give up on this relationship in a lot of comments in the name of seeking stability and balance, but people who've been through trauma can also come out on the other side and live stable, happy lives. It's not a choice between perpetuating the instability and transience you're talking about OR putting down roots with some 50's sitcom family, running away from your past to end up trapped with Good People who drive you crazy. Grieve your past and look forward to building your own stable future, with roots you can put down that won't make you feel suffocated, misunderstood, or like an outsider. I promise you can do it.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:23 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
It sounds like there are two things going on here-- you're processing the grief over the losses and sadness you've suffered in your life, and how different you are in that respect from your partner, AND you find his lifestyle claustrophobic. Part of your alienation is with his white picket fence happy upbringing, but I suspect if his social circle were dysfunctional or full or loss and struggle-- but still made up of the same people he'd known since preschool, and none of them had any bigger ambitions or planned any changes to their life trajectory-- you would probably still be feeling like you were on the outside of ten years of inside jokes.
"The thought of spending the rest of my life subjected to their endless stream of nostalgia for shit that happened ten years ago and ten minutes ago terrifies me. The conversations about holidays in Spain, buying first homes, the funny thing that happened at prom, it makes me feel so very trapped. " Listen to your gut here. You feel trapped. This is not the social life for you. This is not the future you want. You don't want to have peaked in college.
It's okay to say that you're still searching for the life you want to live and that you think these people, who have everything planned out already, who seem happy to live lives that are already written out from beginning to end, are boring. It's okay to feel completely alienated by the fact that your partner doesn't have anything other than an emotionally immature "that's rough, buddy" reaction to your upbringing or your rape or any of the things that you've gone through. You're being urged not to give up on this relationship in a lot of comments in the name of seeking stability and balance, but people who've been through trauma can also come out on the other side and live stable, happy lives. It's not a choice between perpetuating the instability and transience you're talking about OR putting down roots with some 50's sitcom family, running away from your past to end up trapped with Good People who drive you crazy. Grieve your past and look forward to building your own stable future, with roots you can put down that won't make you feel suffocated, misunderstood, or like an outsider. I promise you can do it.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:23 AM on July 26, 2015 [8 favorites]
I think one of the most important things in a long-term partner relationship is having a shared world-view - shared values and a shared vision for how your future will look (for me, it might actually be *the* most important things). It's entirely possible to love someone and not share that vision of what life is like. I have dear friends and family members who I absolutely love, but if I tried to share their lives on a daily basis I would be miserable.
Now, I don't have any information about your relationship besides this brief description but to me it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend have this shared vision/shared values/shared world-view. For me that would mean I could be friends with this guy, but I would not be able to be his partner. If it's likewise a dealbreaker for you, that's going to be confusing for your guy, because he thinks his way is "normal," and he has society backing him up on that to a degree that you don't. But your normal isn't any less valid than his, and if you guys don't have a shared vision of "normal" then I think that's worrying.
It's also possible that he also feels suffocated by his life, so it's worth talking about. Maybe at some level he doesn't really want to hang around with those old friends but he does it because it's what he does. Is there a middle ground where you can both feel happy?
Honestly, though, 7 months in and in your 20s, I think you would have better luck just breaking up and moving on.
posted by mskyle at 5:44 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Now, I don't have any information about your relationship besides this brief description but to me it doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend have this shared vision/shared values/shared world-view. For me that would mean I could be friends with this guy, but I would not be able to be his partner. If it's likewise a dealbreaker for you, that's going to be confusing for your guy, because he thinks his way is "normal," and he has society backing him up on that to a degree that you don't. But your normal isn't any less valid than his, and if you guys don't have a shared vision of "normal" then I think that's worrying.
It's also possible that he also feels suffocated by his life, so it's worth talking about. Maybe at some level he doesn't really want to hang around with those old friends but he does it because it's what he does. Is there a middle ground where you can both feel happy?
Honestly, though, 7 months in and in your 20s, I think you would have better luck just breaking up and moving on.
posted by mskyle at 5:44 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Consider that if you stay, you may build that stability you've never had and can't relate to now. If you leave for the reasons you state, he becomes just another person you have lost because of your background/life experience.
It's okay to live many different kinds of lives in one lifetime. They each make you a richer person for having known the difference between struggle and contentment, hardship and happiness, isolation and connectedness. Maybe this is just your next life. Embrace it.
posted by cecic at 6:25 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's okay to live many different kinds of lives in one lifetime. They each make you a richer person for having known the difference between struggle and contentment, hardship and happiness, isolation and connectedness. Maybe this is just your next life. Embrace it.
posted by cecic at 6:25 AM on July 26, 2015 [2 favorites]
Looking at the timeline, you were raped maybe 1-3 years ago, is that right?
That is nothing even approaching enough time to be "back to normal". It took probably 7-8 years for my rape to be just another part of my history, something I certainly wish hadn't happened but which no longer really affects me. Your feelings of alienation from other people will improve over time.
The other thing is, do you and your boyfriend have other groups of friends aside from this one, or does he just expect you to slot into his pre-existing life? That isn't healthy for any couple. You guys need new couple-friends, he needs to make an effort with your friends. It should not all be one-way.
Hanging out with my husband's school friends is like hanging out with his family - it's nice he has those links, but they aren't MY friends, they're his. We have other joint friends who are just as much mine as his, and if you guys don't have that, maybe that's something to work on.
posted by tinkletown at 7:15 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
That is nothing even approaching enough time to be "back to normal". It took probably 7-8 years for my rape to be just another part of my history, something I certainly wish hadn't happened but which no longer really affects me. Your feelings of alienation from other people will improve over time.
The other thing is, do you and your boyfriend have other groups of friends aside from this one, or does he just expect you to slot into his pre-existing life? That isn't healthy for any couple. You guys need new couple-friends, he needs to make an effort with your friends. It should not all be one-way.
Hanging out with my husband's school friends is like hanging out with his family - it's nice he has those links, but they aren't MY friends, they're his. We have other joint friends who are just as much mine as his, and if you guys don't have that, maybe that's something to work on.
posted by tinkletown at 7:15 AM on July 26, 2015 [7 favorites]
It's hard to have a successful relationship where there isn't a sense of understanding one other, and this is a really bad sign:
> Being with his family and his friends is like being subjected to a decades-long inside joke that I will never be a part of. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought it'd get better but it seems it's only gotten worse. I find myself increasingly bored and isolated from them
If you can't learn to enjoy Boyfriend's family and friends, I don't think this relationship will work in the long run. First, they're an important part of his life. Second, it doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree.
I think it's OK to keep trying. You might have an epiphany if you give it another month or three, and I suspect if you don't, it will be very clear that it's not going to work. However, if you're 11 months in and things haven't gotten better, break up.
posted by mattu at 7:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
> Being with his family and his friends is like being subjected to a decades-long inside joke that I will never be a part of. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought it'd get better but it seems it's only gotten worse. I find myself increasingly bored and isolated from them
If you can't learn to enjoy Boyfriend's family and friends, I don't think this relationship will work in the long run. First, they're an important part of his life. Second, it doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree.
I think it's OK to keep trying. You might have an epiphany if you give it another month or three, and I suspect if you don't, it will be very clear that it's not going to work. However, if you're 11 months in and things haven't gotten better, break up.
posted by mattu at 7:19 AM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've struggled to explain to him how I've felt like an outsider my entire life.
I don't want to minimize your struggles, but I think this type of narrative you have can make it very difficult for you to actually experience happiness and trust. Could you change that fundamental belief about yourself to something less extreme like, "I've struggled more than some people, but in some ways I have also been blessed. There have been people who have loved me and been kind to me." On the other hand, if you have recently experienced rape maybe it's too soon to try and see the silver lining of life. I've never been n that situation, so I have no idea what it feels like. Maybe you need additional care for being a victim of sexual abuse
Being alone for a long time can make you forget what it is to depend on others and to trust in their open-heartedness. Now you have an opportunity to come in from the cold of aloneness and join a community. Maybe your boyfriend can teach you about what it is to feel safe in the world. If you keep searching for someone that understands your struggles, you may realize that that person is not a happy person who has the resources to care for anyone but themself. Maybe you can teach your boyfriend to understand his privilege and develop empathy for those who have less advantages.
posted by winterportage at 5:01 PM on July 26, 2015
I don't want to minimize your struggles, but I think this type of narrative you have can make it very difficult for you to actually experience happiness and trust. Could you change that fundamental belief about yourself to something less extreme like, "I've struggled more than some people, but in some ways I have also been blessed. There have been people who have loved me and been kind to me." On the other hand, if you have recently experienced rape maybe it's too soon to try and see the silver lining of life. I've never been n that situation, so I have no idea what it feels like. Maybe you need additional care for being a victim of sexual abuse
Being alone for a long time can make you forget what it is to depend on others and to trust in their open-heartedness. Now you have an opportunity to come in from the cold of aloneness and join a community. Maybe your boyfriend can teach you about what it is to feel safe in the world. If you keep searching for someone that understands your struggles, you may realize that that person is not a happy person who has the resources to care for anyone but themself. Maybe you can teach your boyfriend to understand his privilege and develop empathy for those who have less advantages.
posted by winterportage at 5:01 PM on July 26, 2015
I don't have any good advice for you, but I wanted to relate my experience. I once dated a guy who could likely write a very similar question about me. From my perspective, it seemed like he was resentful that my life had been much smoother and easier than his. I understood that his past was full of isolation, struggle, and pain, but I sensed he thought I didn't really "get it." Maybe I did, or didn't, but I certainly didn't know how to honor his traumatic past, or what it had to do with the present, and with our day-to-day life together. He always seemed frustrated with me. We broke up and I think this was the underlying reason.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:27 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 6:27 PM on July 26, 2015 [1 favorite]
Consider the possibility you might be feeling a need to close the door on the possibility of being loved and accepted by his group of close-knit friends because leaving is what you understand and are more comfortable with.
This. I have had a turbulent life and moved around a lot. A difficult, traumatizing past and estrangement and long distance from much of my family. A lot of people I knew died or burnt out or went to jail. My wife's family has been in the same place for 200 years, they all love each other, spend tons of time together and are all generally happy well-adjusted thriving people.
It was very hard at first... I realize looking back a lot of that was my fault. I was being so defensive and prickly all the time that I was making their affection and stability grating. Slowly as I got better, got more used to happiness and togetherness and stability it went from a conflict to an enormous blessing. But it took a lot of work on myself.
One word of warning: my desire to always move, to constantly 'find a better place' nearly ended my relationship. After dragging her around the country it eventually became clear that I was making her miserable, and I was running from something that was going to follow me wherever I went. So I stopped running.
posted by French Fry at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
This. I have had a turbulent life and moved around a lot. A difficult, traumatizing past and estrangement and long distance from much of my family. A lot of people I knew died or burnt out or went to jail. My wife's family has been in the same place for 200 years, they all love each other, spend tons of time together and are all generally happy well-adjusted thriving people.
It was very hard at first... I realize looking back a lot of that was my fault. I was being so defensive and prickly all the time that I was making their affection and stability grating. Slowly as I got better, got more used to happiness and togetherness and stability it went from a conflict to an enormous blessing. But it took a lot of work on myself.
One word of warning: my desire to always move, to constantly 'find a better place' nearly ended my relationship. After dragging her around the country it eventually became clear that I was making her miserable, and I was running from something that was going to follow me wherever I went. So I stopped running.
posted by French Fry at 6:39 AM on July 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by animalrainbow at 12:05 AM on July 26, 2015 [36 favorites]