Niggling hope, post breakup edition. How to squelch it?
September 9, 2015 10:21 AM Subscribe
My long distance boyfriend of 2 years suddenly and coldly broke up with me during my last visit, before I could tell him I wanted to move for him and build a future. We have 4-5 flights for the next three months already booked. I have this niggling, nefarious, wretched shred of hope that he will still get on his flight(s) to come see me. This hope wedges its way into my mind and is destroying me. How do I kill it so it stops stunting my ability to move on?
My long distance boyfriend of 2 years unexpectedly and coldly broke up with me when I visited him last, right after a really awful counseling session with his judgmental therapist and right before we were headed to a weekend getaway. I won't get into details, but it was traumatizing on so many levels. He did not honor me or our relationship, which has been long distance for the past 9 months. He was the love of my life and my best friend -- I was preparing to tell him this weekend that I was willing to move for him and that I was committed to reshaping a happy future with him in the same city. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the weekend because it was a big step for me. It was supposed to be a turning point for us but it ended up being a nonstarter.
I have one question: he has 3-4 flights for the next three months already booked to come see me, and one in two weeks. I have this niggling, nefarious, wretched shred of hope that he will still get on his booked flight(s) to come see me or during any other scheduled visit thereafter. I'm foolishly holding off on RSVPing stag to our friends' weddings because I have this sliver of hope that he will still go with me. I try to remind myself he doesn't want this (or me) anymore, but that hope wedges its way into my brain like a godforsaken splinter. It's a recipe for repeated, self-inflicted heartbreak.
Regardless, I'm motivated to become a stronger, healthier and wiser person and find someone who truly values me without dropping me so easily. Maybe I dodged a bullet and I won't know until later, but it hurts that I feel there's so much unfinished business. I long for him still. This is a huge character-building opportunity for me. I don't want to mess it up. Hope is supposed to be an inspiring, strength-giving thing. Right now, it's my worst enemy. It's pitched a tent in the back of my mind and taunts me every day. Help! How do I squelch it?
My long distance boyfriend of 2 years unexpectedly and coldly broke up with me when I visited him last, right after a really awful counseling session with his judgmental therapist and right before we were headed to a weekend getaway. I won't get into details, but it was traumatizing on so many levels. He did not honor me or our relationship, which has been long distance for the past 9 months. He was the love of my life and my best friend -- I was preparing to tell him this weekend that I was willing to move for him and that I was committed to reshaping a happy future with him in the same city. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the weekend because it was a big step for me. It was supposed to be a turning point for us but it ended up being a nonstarter.
I have one question: he has 3-4 flights for the next three months already booked to come see me, and one in two weeks. I have this niggling, nefarious, wretched shred of hope that he will still get on his booked flight(s) to come see me or during any other scheduled visit thereafter. I'm foolishly holding off on RSVPing stag to our friends' weddings because I have this sliver of hope that he will still go with me. I try to remind myself he doesn't want this (or me) anymore, but that hope wedges its way into my brain like a godforsaken splinter. It's a recipe for repeated, self-inflicted heartbreak.
Regardless, I'm motivated to become a stronger, healthier and wiser person and find someone who truly values me without dropping me so easily. Maybe I dodged a bullet and I won't know until later, but it hurts that I feel there's so much unfinished business. I long for him still. This is a huge character-building opportunity for me. I don't want to mess it up. Hope is supposed to be an inspiring, strength-giving thing. Right now, it's my worst enemy. It's pitched a tent in the back of my mind and taunts me every day. Help! How do I squelch it?
Plan a few activities on those weekends, think of them as an opportunity to learn something new. Maybe browse through the classes at your local community college and see if there's one on painting or pottery or cooking that looks like fun. When I'm struggling with something, time outdoors hits the "reset" button in my brain -- and there's scientific evidence to back this up too.
I absolutely think it's okay to go through a period of grief, too. Don't push it out of your mind entirely. It's fine to grieve for what was, and what might have been. It's necessary for closure. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
posted by Ostara at 10:58 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
I absolutely think it's okay to go through a period of grief, too. Don't push it out of your mind entirely. It's fine to grieve for what was, and what might have been. It's necessary for closure. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
posted by Ostara at 10:58 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Write him telling him what your expectations of the last visit were. Once you know that he knows what he destroyed, you will be able to move on. It's the what ifs that are killing you.
posted by myselfasme at 11:32 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 11:32 AM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I had something kind of similar happen recently, although I had not been with the person as long. A kind of mindfulness of hope really helped me: I didn't want to hope for all the reasons you listed, but I couldn't stop myself. So I stopped trying to fight it. I consciously talked to my own brain instead, and told myself that hoping was a coping mechanism and a way of processing that I knew my brain needed, but that I couldn't devote too much real time and effort to it. I was literally chatting with my neurochemistry internally, saying things like, "Okay, brain, I know you need to hope about this right now, but instead of planning every little detail for our glorious reunion, let's keep hoping that it happens, but go ahead and make arrangements as though it's not going to."
Fighting the hope was painful and awful and almost disabling in terms of impairing my ability to function in the acute aftermath of a strange and painful breakup. Being with the hope, but not actually buying into it so hard that I expended time or energy or brain space on it by taking action or dreaming elaborate scenarios, was do-able. I felt disappointment repeatedly as more days passed and he didn't contact me, but I didn't feel like an idiot for hoping, because I had let myself hope without hanging my whole being on that hope, and since I used the energy I'd previously spent fighting hope to make plans to do other things with other people that I love, I wasn't left waiting either. It's been a few months now and I still hope, sometimes, but it's easier and easier to let that awful hard clinging desire slip into something more like a gentle miasma of longing and grief. I hope you find the same.
Also, I'm so sorry this person didn't see your worth, but you come off in your question as a very sane, mature, wonderful person, and you seem to be doing a really good job of knowing what you need. Best of luck.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:55 AM on September 9, 2015 [23 favorites]
Fighting the hope was painful and awful and almost disabling in terms of impairing my ability to function in the acute aftermath of a strange and painful breakup. Being with the hope, but not actually buying into it so hard that I expended time or energy or brain space on it by taking action or dreaming elaborate scenarios, was do-able. I felt disappointment repeatedly as more days passed and he didn't contact me, but I didn't feel like an idiot for hoping, because I had let myself hope without hanging my whole being on that hope, and since I used the energy I'd previously spent fighting hope to make plans to do other things with other people that I love, I wasn't left waiting either. It's been a few months now and I still hope, sometimes, but it's easier and easier to let that awful hard clinging desire slip into something more like a gentle miasma of longing and grief. I hope you find the same.
Also, I'm so sorry this person didn't see your worth, but you come off in your question as a very sane, mature, wonderful person, and you seem to be doing a really good job of knowing what you need. Best of luck.
posted by WidgetAlley at 11:55 AM on September 9, 2015 [23 favorites]
He did not honor me or our relationship
So ... you are hoping to get back into that situation?
It's not impossible that he might show up and want to spend some time with you, but if that happened I would not take that as a sign that he suddenly decided to start respecting you. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were no matter what.
So RSVP to that wedding. Make plans for those weekends. When playing out your imaginary scenarios in your head, tell him to jump in a lake.
posted by aubilenon at 12:06 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
So ... you are hoping to get back into that situation?
It's not impossible that he might show up and want to spend some time with you, but if that happened I would not take that as a sign that he suddenly decided to start respecting you. Things aren't going to go back to the way they were no matter what.
So RSVP to that wedding. Make plans for those weekends. When playing out your imaginary scenarios in your head, tell him to jump in a lake.
posted by aubilenon at 12:06 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you should block contact with your boyfriend so even if he does take a flight he won't be able to contact you.
Also, it sounds a little like you're triangulating the therapist in as the villain here. Please keep in mind that even if your boyfriend were to appear in your life again, you'd still have to overcome the issues that led to him deciding to break up with you.
So if he did come back, then what? Is there anything he could say to make you feel better about having the rug yanked out from underneath you like this? For me it would not be possible to trust someone who either closed down emotionally all of a sudden, who couldn't see my worth, or who didn't have the boundaries to keep himself from being swayed by someone else.
So I would think about how if he comes back, he'd probably just put you through this again if you took him back.
posted by alphanerd at 12:07 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Also, it sounds a little like you're triangulating the therapist in as the villain here. Please keep in mind that even if your boyfriend were to appear in your life again, you'd still have to overcome the issues that led to him deciding to break up with you.
So if he did come back, then what? Is there anything he could say to make you feel better about having the rug yanked out from underneath you like this? For me it would not be possible to trust someone who either closed down emotionally all of a sudden, who couldn't see my worth, or who didn't have the boundaries to keep himself from being swayed by someone else.
So I would think about how if he comes back, he'd probably just put you through this again if you took him back.
posted by alphanerd at 12:07 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I had something very similar happen to me (actually... almost exactly the same thing) and something I did for a really long time was fixate on the "he did not honor me or our relationship" part, and it took years for me to realize how unhealthy that was and how little it served me.
I think the instinct comes from our tacit admission that you can't blame someone for falling out of love or for no longer wanting to be in a relationship. I can't make you love me and all that. But you can blame someone for mistreatment, and that loophole lets us get really angry about the breakup in a way that our emotional intelligence doesn't otherwise allow. When you're sad, visualizing yourself as the victim is a delicious compulsion. It feels good to feel bad, in large part because prolonging the emotional experience of the break up prolongs your emotional connection to the relationship and the other person. As long as you are still aggrieved about the way the relationship ended, the story of the relationship has not ended for you.
My assertion -- which you might not be ready to hear, but I'm just planting a seed here -- is that you would be equally upset about this break up no matter how it was conducted. It is time for you to mourn a relationship that has ended, not a perceived mistreatment. The former acknowledges what has happened and leaves the door open for you to move on with your life; the latter keeps you in the foyer of the house of the relationship, unable to re-enter, unwilling to leave (and endlessly seeking closure).
posted by telegraph at 12:26 PM on September 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
I think the instinct comes from our tacit admission that you can't blame someone for falling out of love or for no longer wanting to be in a relationship. I can't make you love me and all that. But you can blame someone for mistreatment, and that loophole lets us get really angry about the breakup in a way that our emotional intelligence doesn't otherwise allow. When you're sad, visualizing yourself as the victim is a delicious compulsion. It feels good to feel bad, in large part because prolonging the emotional experience of the break up prolongs your emotional connection to the relationship and the other person. As long as you are still aggrieved about the way the relationship ended, the story of the relationship has not ended for you.
My assertion -- which you might not be ready to hear, but I'm just planting a seed here -- is that you would be equally upset about this break up no matter how it was conducted. It is time for you to mourn a relationship that has ended, not a perceived mistreatment. The former acknowledges what has happened and leaves the door open for you to move on with your life; the latter keeps you in the foyer of the house of the relationship, unable to re-enter, unwilling to leave (and endlessly seeking closure).
posted by telegraph at 12:26 PM on September 9, 2015 [22 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in your shoes once (my ex broke up with me during a visit in the midst of our LDR), and I can safely say that giving a shit afterwards and hoping for things to work out was a huge mistake. We tried to make it work afterwards, but it was just an exercise in futility, and it added enormous amounts of stress and emotional turmoil to both our lives (but mostly mine :/).
It helps me to think of relationship-feelings after a breakup as an addiction, and you're going through withdrawals right now. Recognize that your cravings and feelings of hope are biochemical; you feel them, but these withdrawals will go away over time. Fill your weekends with fun things, like watching movies, hanging out with friends/family, taking short trips to state or national parks, going to the gym. The important thing is to fill your time with meaningful, positive experiences. Because, at the end of the day, if you talk to or do things with your ex, what good will it do if you're pining for him and he doesn't want to get back together? That would just be a profoundly negative experience for you and only serve to bolster your cravings while simultaneously make you feel terrible.
If you know that he didn't honor you or the relationship, trust that gut feeling. That realization will stand solid, while your hope and cravings will eventually fade. Let your heart hurt, and bitch about him when you feel like it, then let the pain go. Trust me, it will get eventually get boring, thinking of about all these scenarios of getting back together or confronting him. I've definitely gotten bored of it -- I have better things to do with my time and energy than waste it on what ifs.
Good luck! Your heart is in the right place, your brain just needs to normalize biochemically :)
posted by extramundane at 12:30 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
It helps me to think of relationship-feelings after a breakup as an addiction, and you're going through withdrawals right now. Recognize that your cravings and feelings of hope are biochemical; you feel them, but these withdrawals will go away over time. Fill your weekends with fun things, like watching movies, hanging out with friends/family, taking short trips to state or national parks, going to the gym. The important thing is to fill your time with meaningful, positive experiences. Because, at the end of the day, if you talk to or do things with your ex, what good will it do if you're pining for him and he doesn't want to get back together? That would just be a profoundly negative experience for you and only serve to bolster your cravings while simultaneously make you feel terrible.
If you know that he didn't honor you or the relationship, trust that gut feeling. That realization will stand solid, while your hope and cravings will eventually fade. Let your heart hurt, and bitch about him when you feel like it, then let the pain go. Trust me, it will get eventually get boring, thinking of about all these scenarios of getting back together or confronting him. I've definitely gotten bored of it -- I have better things to do with my time and energy than waste it on what ifs.
Good luck! Your heart is in the right place, your brain just needs to normalize biochemically :)
posted by extramundane at 12:30 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm in a remarkably similar situation right now. Differences in my case: it didn't happen during an actual visit, there was no coldness or disrespect, and the last exchange left enough ambiguity that some of the hopes and fantasy scenarios don't seem terribly far-fetched. Even so, it's over. I've been reading through the answers to this thread with the hope of finding help for myself, too.
Widget Alley's "Okay, brain, I know you need to hope about this right now, but instead of planning every little detail for our glorious reunion, let's keep hoping that it happens, but go ahead and make arrangements as though it's not going to" is almost word for word what I've been saying to myself over the last few days.
I think it can be especially hard to disengage when the relationship is long-distance. There are a couple of reasons for this. It's almost structurally necessary that long-distance relationships involve a degree of intermittent reinforcement, and that makes them extra tough to extinguish (see extramundane's point above about withdrawal). Also, at least in my case, everything interesting that happened in my life became a sort of narrative gift to be saved up and offered in the next conversation or long email. As a result, I feel as if a thick layer of meaning is gone from everyday life.
On a practical level, I'm arranging other trips to look forward to instead of the planned visits, I'm learning some new skills, and I'm not turning down any invitations whatsoever.
Take care. Drop me a memail if you need a little extra support.
posted by tangerine at 2:05 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Widget Alley's "Okay, brain, I know you need to hope about this right now, but instead of planning every little detail for our glorious reunion, let's keep hoping that it happens, but go ahead and make arrangements as though it's not going to" is almost word for word what I've been saying to myself over the last few days.
I think it can be especially hard to disengage when the relationship is long-distance. There are a couple of reasons for this. It's almost structurally necessary that long-distance relationships involve a degree of intermittent reinforcement, and that makes them extra tough to extinguish (see extramundane's point above about withdrawal). Also, at least in my case, everything interesting that happened in my life became a sort of narrative gift to be saved up and offered in the next conversation or long email. As a result, I feel as if a thick layer of meaning is gone from everyday life.
On a practical level, I'm arranging other trips to look forward to instead of the planned visits, I'm learning some new skills, and I'm not turning down any invitations whatsoever.
Take care. Drop me a memail if you need a little extra support.
posted by tangerine at 2:05 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry, but he's not going to come. That said, I don't think hope is the inspiring, strength-giving thing you think it is. Hope can keep you chained to the past and to no-win situations, whereas letting yourself feel despair can free you for facing reality and then deciding what comes next.
What I do think is strength-giving and character-building is to be your own closest friend on that weekend when he ultimately does not show up -- whether by buying yourself ice cream and watching a sad movie with yourself, or by taking yourself on a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to be. No matter where you are, that weekend will be poignant, so imagine various scenarios and how you'd feel. Personally, I probably wouldn't take a trip if I was still clinging to the idea that he might show up, because my mind would still be at home, so I'd feel "out of body" a bit. I might go for a long run on Saturday, have a good movie to watch, and then have plans on Sunday with friends that I'd really enjoy, like an afternoon at a beer garden or something (not to get drunk, but because to me it's the ultimate in life luxury to spend an afternoon slowly drinking in the sun). I'd do all my typical weekend chores ahead of time so that, say, when I come home from running and he's not there, I have a beautiful place and can just relax.
posted by salvia at 2:21 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
What I do think is strength-giving and character-building is to be your own closest friend on that weekend when he ultimately does not show up -- whether by buying yourself ice cream and watching a sad movie with yourself, or by taking yourself on a trip to somewhere you've always wanted to be. No matter where you are, that weekend will be poignant, so imagine various scenarios and how you'd feel. Personally, I probably wouldn't take a trip if I was still clinging to the idea that he might show up, because my mind would still be at home, so I'd feel "out of body" a bit. I might go for a long run on Saturday, have a good movie to watch, and then have plans on Sunday with friends that I'd really enjoy, like an afternoon at a beer garden or something (not to get drunk, but because to me it's the ultimate in life luxury to spend an afternoon slowly drinking in the sun). I'd do all my typical weekend chores ahead of time so that, say, when I come home from running and he's not there, I have a beautiful place and can just relax.
posted by salvia at 2:21 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
So sorry you are going through this.
However, I want to unpack a few things and hopefully make you see the situation in a different light.
1) This isn't about you. I know it hurts like hell because you were gearing up to make the big commitment with the love of your life, but this isn't about you. This is about him. He made the call, he has taken ownership of his life, and he is not going to show up. He has made that decision and it is not about you.
2) You cannot change his view of the situation. You do not have that power. You cannot change his mind for him. There is nothing you can say or do that will change the situation. That was his decision to make and he made the decision to break it off.
3) You can, however, take ownership of your own situation. You need to focus on the here-and-now. You need to identify the measures you can take to improve your life. Therapy might be a good option. Be pro-active in building a life that's about your needs and desires (not your life in relation to other people). Discover your personal strengths.
4) Be kind to yourself. Go cold turkey on contact to your ex. Hang out with good people. Cry. Go for a long hike. See a great film. Take an evening class when you usually would have been Skyping/whatever. Be the best person you can be.
Good luck x
posted by kariebookish at 2:33 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
However, I want to unpack a few things and hopefully make you see the situation in a different light.
1) This isn't about you. I know it hurts like hell because you were gearing up to make the big commitment with the love of your life, but this isn't about you. This is about him. He made the call, he has taken ownership of his life, and he is not going to show up. He has made that decision and it is not about you.
2) You cannot change his view of the situation. You do not have that power. You cannot change his mind for him. There is nothing you can say or do that will change the situation. That was his decision to make and he made the decision to break it off.
3) You can, however, take ownership of your own situation. You need to focus on the here-and-now. You need to identify the measures you can take to improve your life. Therapy might be a good option. Be pro-active in building a life that's about your needs and desires (not your life in relation to other people). Discover your personal strengths.
4) Be kind to yourself. Go cold turkey on contact to your ex. Hang out with good people. Cry. Go for a long hike. See a great film. Take an evening class when you usually would have been Skyping/whatever. Be the best person you can be.
Good luck x
posted by kariebookish at 2:33 PM on September 9, 2015 [9 favorites]
Two more things.
One: Following up on extramundane's comparison to addiction/withdrawal: it helps me to think in the very short term. Just for today I won't indulge any of the grabby, unrealistic, unhelpful thoughts and behaviors I'm tempted by. (In my case, that's checking the ex's online presence and mentally composing texts/emails.) And then I'll resolve the same again tomorrow, and then the next day, and so on, till eventually not doing those things feels more natural than doing them.
Two: you'd made the decision, at least internally, to move out there. That means that for a while now you've had one foot out the door where you live now. With that in mind, I'm making an active effort right now to embrace where I am. You might find it helpful to do the same. If you can, make plans with friends in that vein: go do something that celebrates what's most beautiful and interesting about the place you're in.
posted by tangerine at 3:16 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
One: Following up on extramundane's comparison to addiction/withdrawal: it helps me to think in the very short term. Just for today I won't indulge any of the grabby, unrealistic, unhelpful thoughts and behaviors I'm tempted by. (In my case, that's checking the ex's online presence and mentally composing texts/emails.) And then I'll resolve the same again tomorrow, and then the next day, and so on, till eventually not doing those things feels more natural than doing them.
Two: you'd made the decision, at least internally, to move out there. That means that for a while now you've had one foot out the door where you live now. With that in mind, I'm making an active effort right now to embrace where I am. You might find it helpful to do the same. If you can, make plans with friends in that vein: go do something that celebrates what's most beautiful and interesting about the place you're in.
posted by tangerine at 3:16 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
What are you hoping for? The only thing that would make sense to hope for is a future in which this terrible thing magically didn't happen. Given that that's not possible, the terrible thing happened, there is no hope. he's burned his bridges with you. Because lookit: even if he did use those plane tickets... what's he going to say? "Sorry 'bout that, hon. Judgement error. Do-over!" Or worse, "Hi! I know we're broken up but I already had the flights booked and I didn't want to pay the cancellation fees. So... this is your place? Cozy! If it were me hosting, I'd take the couch because I'm a guest in your home, but, you know, however you want to work it. I'll get my own meals and stuff, but I'll need you to make me some space in the 'fridge and I might have a friend over. If you don't mind, of course."
If he did come back, likely you'd backpedal at top speed to avoid him. In the case that what you hope for looks like it might actually be possible, you'll quit hoping for it and start dreading it. Start hoping he tries to crawl back into your good graces so that you can say, "Aaah-hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa, as if! Thanks for calling, though, and 'bye forever! you have a sweet rest of your life."
posted by Don Pepino at 4:38 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
If he did come back, likely you'd backpedal at top speed to avoid him. In the case that what you hope for looks like it might actually be possible, you'll quit hoping for it and start dreading it. Start hoping he tries to crawl back into your good graces so that you can say, "Aaah-hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa, as if! Thanks for calling, though, and 'bye forever! you have a sweet rest of your life."
posted by Don Pepino at 4:38 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was preparing to tell him this weekend that I was willing to move for him and that I was committed to reshaping a happy future with him in the same city. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to the weekend because it was a big step for me. It was supposed to be a turning point for us but it ended up being a nonstarter.
It sounds like you had this really built up in your head to be some storybook turning point for both of you, complete with the big reveal, but was your bf in on the story? Were you going to spring this move on him out of nowhere or had you talked about it before? Do you have a tendency to live in your head, in your fantasy, rather than the facts of reality? This is what I would examine and work with in order to squelch the hope - investigate your reluctance to live in reality and how telling yourself a fantasy is a coping mechanism. Where did this tendency come from and what are you guarding against and why? This is what will bring you to the here and noaw - and will make your future relationships so much sweeter. Good luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:08 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you had this really built up in your head to be some storybook turning point for both of you, complete with the big reveal, but was your bf in on the story? Were you going to spring this move on him out of nowhere or had you talked about it before? Do you have a tendency to live in your head, in your fantasy, rather than the facts of reality? This is what I would examine and work with in order to squelch the hope - investigate your reluctance to live in reality and how telling yourself a fantasy is a coping mechanism. Where did this tendency come from and what are you guarding against and why? This is what will bring you to the here and noaw - and will make your future relationships so much sweeter. Good luck.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:08 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Even if those trips are 100% not refundable, he's not coming. He'd rather blow that money and a trip than be with you, unfortunately.
He sounds like a great guy, until he STABBED YOU IN THE HEART. Right now you're still in shock that he could be a heart stabber. You can't conceive of him as a heart stabber because that side of him came out of the blue, out of nowhere. He hid that from you. Unfortunately, once that side comes out, you can't go back.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
He sounds like a great guy, until he STABBED YOU IN THE HEART. Right now you're still in shock that he could be a heart stabber. You can't conceive of him as a heart stabber because that side of him came out of the blue, out of nowhere. He hid that from you. Unfortunately, once that side comes out, you can't go back.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [5 favorites]
Assuming you guys aren't no contact, why not reach out and just settle the matter? Ask, "Are you planning on canceling your flights?" or "How should I RSVP to Alex's wedding?"
I recently learned (in a totally different dating context) that putting off actual communication in favor of wishful thinking that you will somehow get what you want passively does not do anything to get what you want. Instead it just lets you live a lie for longer than you should have.
If you want to reconcile and still have him visit, attend weddings as a couple, etc. work towards that. If it's not going to happen, all the un-returned RSVP cards in the world won't make it so.
posted by Sara C. at 9:25 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
I recently learned (in a totally different dating context) that putting off actual communication in favor of wishful thinking that you will somehow get what you want passively does not do anything to get what you want. Instead it just lets you live a lie for longer than you should have.
If you want to reconcile and still have him visit, attend weddings as a couple, etc. work towards that. If it's not going to happen, all the un-returned RSVP cards in the world won't make it so.
posted by Sara C. at 9:25 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
Send him one last email. Write.
"Dear Bob, I was very saddened that you decided that we should break up. You may not have known this, but I was planning on coming to live with you in your city. If this changes your mind, let's please discuss as soon as possible!
Are you still planning on using those plane tickets? If not, please let me know ASAP so I can get the money back.
Hope to hear from you soon!"
And then, RESPECT HIS RESPONSE and let go. If he doesn't respond within 24/48 hours, you've got your answer.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 9:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Dear Bob, I was very saddened that you decided that we should break up. You may not have known this, but I was planning on coming to live with you in your city. If this changes your mind, let's please discuss as soon as possible!
Are you still planning on using those plane tickets? If not, please let me know ASAP so I can get the money back.
Hope to hear from you soon!"
And then, RESPECT HIS RESPONSE and let go. If he doesn't respond within 24/48 hours, you've got your answer.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 9:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Hope is supposed to be an inspiring, strength-giving thing. Right now, it's my worst enemy.
Er, no. Your brain is making you feel trapped in a contradiction, when actually there is no contradiction. So maybe sorting this out will make you feel less trapped.
Your enemy isn't actually hope. Your enemies are attachment (to something that no longer exists, if indeed it ever did), and denial. Attachment and denial, when combined, force your brain to fantasize, because your brain wants to think of itself as logical.
You have all my sympathies. My brain has acted equally crazy under similar circumstances, i.e. past romantic misfortunes -- which I now recall with merciful dimness.
And that's your real hope (or you wouldn't have asked this AskMe): it gets better. The pain fades, you develop new interests, etc. etc. There are ways to speed this up, as people have pointed out. You can use meditation to unlock denial, disentangle attachments, and engage intensely with the here-and-now -- noticing subliminal pleasures in your environment, or throwing yourself into the sort of biochemistry-boosting activities extramundane suggests. Hope is about the future.
(Oh and eventually, attachment and denial will be your friends again. You'll become attached to things that didn't happen until after the breakup, and denial will help you believe you're TOTALLY OVER whatshisname. Fake it till you make it.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:08 AM on September 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
Er, no. Your brain is making you feel trapped in a contradiction, when actually there is no contradiction. So maybe sorting this out will make you feel less trapped.
Your enemy isn't actually hope. Your enemies are attachment (to something that no longer exists, if indeed it ever did), and denial. Attachment and denial, when combined, force your brain to fantasize, because your brain wants to think of itself as logical.
You have all my sympathies. My brain has acted equally crazy under similar circumstances, i.e. past romantic misfortunes -- which I now recall with merciful dimness.
And that's your real hope (or you wouldn't have asked this AskMe): it gets better. The pain fades, you develop new interests, etc. etc. There are ways to speed this up, as people have pointed out. You can use meditation to unlock denial, disentangle attachments, and engage intensely with the here-and-now -- noticing subliminal pleasures in your environment, or throwing yourself into the sort of biochemistry-boosting activities extramundane suggests. Hope is about the future.
(Oh and eventually, attachment and denial will be your friends again. You'll become attached to things that didn't happen until after the breakup, and denial will help you believe you're TOTALLY OVER whatshisname. Fake it till you make it.)
posted by feral_goldfish at 10:08 AM on September 10, 2015 [3 favorites]
This whole situation sucks and I hope that in some way you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. Heartbreak is almost as universal as death and taxes, and in many ways it's worse than either of those.
I wanted to just address one small piece of what you've said. Others before me have offered really good advice and support, but I think maybe this is just another small tool for your toolbox. Don't give so much credence to hope. Hope gets way more credit than it deserves. No, it isn't inspiring or strength-giving, in fact it sucks the life out of you.
I had the privilege of attending a few conferences held by Stephen Levine, back when he was still actively teaching. He is a meditation teacher who early on moved into the world of working with people who are dying, introduced to that realm by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. He said that the words over the gates to hell in Dante's Inferno "Abandon hope, ye who enter here" are not threats, and are not meant to be taken as curse. Rather, he says:
Hope is born of fear, of wanting. Only when we are without fear will we be able to live without hope. Those who passed beneath the arch in Dante's Inferno read, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." This was not a curse but a blessing. It says that all holding to future possibilities creates a painful inability to enter the present. ... when you have come to live your life so fully that you can abandon hope, then you will be able to transmit that fearless spaciousness to others so that they may have room in their heart for their suffering.
It's an instruction. So when hope comes niggling into your ear and whispers, I'm giving you strength for the future, say to it, "get thee behind me!" and turn instead to courage -- courage, which provides the valor for being truly present. Being present, as Levine says above, can be a gift both to yourself and to others who are suffering and sometimes it can help you through difficult times to think that you are helping others.
I have used the word "courage" as a mantra during times like that you are now experiencing, and in fact I have a little necklace with a drawing of a man leaping from one cliff to another on one side, and, on the other side, the word "courage." I wear it when I need a talisman but the word "courage" is always available, day and night.
Think of its origin and meaning: courage (n.) c. 1300, from Old French corage (12c., Modern French courage) "heart, innermost feelings; temper," from Vulgar Latin *coraticum (source of Italian coraggio, Spanish coraje), from Latin cor "heart," from PIE root *kerd- (1) "heart" (see heart (n.)) which remains a common metaphor for inner strength.
posted by janey47 at 12:04 PM on September 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
I wanted to just address one small piece of what you've said. Others before me have offered really good advice and support, but I think maybe this is just another small tool for your toolbox. Don't give so much credence to hope. Hope gets way more credit than it deserves. No, it isn't inspiring or strength-giving, in fact it sucks the life out of you.
I had the privilege of attending a few conferences held by Stephen Levine, back when he was still actively teaching. He is a meditation teacher who early on moved into the world of working with people who are dying, introduced to that realm by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. He said that the words over the gates to hell in Dante's Inferno "Abandon hope, ye who enter here" are not threats, and are not meant to be taken as curse. Rather, he says:
Hope is born of fear, of wanting. Only when we are without fear will we be able to live without hope. Those who passed beneath the arch in Dante's Inferno read, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." This was not a curse but a blessing. It says that all holding to future possibilities creates a painful inability to enter the present. ... when you have come to live your life so fully that you can abandon hope, then you will be able to transmit that fearless spaciousness to others so that they may have room in their heart for their suffering.
It's an instruction. So when hope comes niggling into your ear and whispers, I'm giving you strength for the future, say to it, "get thee behind me!" and turn instead to courage -- courage, which provides the valor for being truly present. Being present, as Levine says above, can be a gift both to yourself and to others who are suffering and sometimes it can help you through difficult times to think that you are helping others.
I have used the word "courage" as a mantra during times like that you are now experiencing, and in fact I have a little necklace with a drawing of a man leaping from one cliff to another on one side, and, on the other side, the word "courage." I wear it when I need a talisman but the word "courage" is always available, day and night.
Think of its origin and meaning: courage (n.) c. 1300, from Old French corage (12c., Modern French courage) "heart, innermost feelings; temper," from Vulgar Latin *coraticum (source of Italian coraggio, Spanish coraje), from Latin cor "heart," from PIE root *kerd- (1) "heart" (see heart (n.)) which remains a common metaphor for inner strength.
posted by janey47 at 12:04 PM on September 10, 2015 [7 favorites]
Maybe I dodged a bullet and I won't know until later
Well, sometimes you dodge a bullet and don't ever learn about it.
Just keep telling yourself that you've dodged a bullet. Maybe you've avoided something about him, or some tragedy that would have befallen you in your new apartment or job in the new city. If you start to feel too wistful, look in the news for his city and think how that could have been you in that car, or that building, or in that wrong place at wrong time.
Perhaps fate has intervened to keep you safe -- and perhaps better things are in store for you in the future where you live now.
posted by yohko at 7:52 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, sometimes you dodge a bullet and don't ever learn about it.
Just keep telling yourself that you've dodged a bullet. Maybe you've avoided something about him, or some tragedy that would have befallen you in your new apartment or job in the new city. If you start to feel too wistful, look in the news for his city and think how that could have been you in that car, or that building, or in that wrong place at wrong time.
Perhaps fate has intervened to keep you safe -- and perhaps better things are in store for you in the future where you live now.
posted by yohko at 7:52 PM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Your post really speaks to me, I know exactly how you're feeling. My boyfriend of 1.5 years also broke off our relationship very suddenly right in mid-stream. We had an emotional telephone conversation before he left for a trip--me upset that he had not made time to see me or somehow connect before leaving for 3 weeks--and when he returned I painfully came to realize he had put the relationship in death mode. Would not see me, speak to me, kept me at text distance, zero affection. And let me add, we are in our 40s/50s, we were about to move in together for the summer (with my kids), and this man is a successful professional. We had been on track with monogamy, commitment and shared joy about finding each other. Or so I thought. I was stunned. It was our first and only conflict/disruption. I spent all summer "hoping" that we could recover.
I strongly suggest you set a firm boundary and go no contact. If your boyfriend does have a change of heart, make in-person communication a non-negotiable. My boyfriend spent the entire summer texting me (wouldn't speak on the phone), we went out a few times but he kept it platonic from there on out, and all he ever articulated was that he felt "ambivalent" and was afraid of rejection. It was absolute TORTURE and ended with me finally breaking it off once I realized he was lying about his whereabouts simultaneous with making plans with me. He was out but did not have the balls to do it, instead causing me unnecessary months of false hope and pain. Now, I'm dealing with depression, confusion, heartbreak, the same pain I would have had anyway but worse because of what ended up feeling like selfish weakness on his part. I think you are WAY BETTER OFF not being in contact with your ex, and you should remind yourself that if he did not "honor the relationship" and broke up with you suddenly and coldly, he is not your best friend.
I get the hope, the pain, the heartache, and I'm right there with you. I get how empty and insane it can be for people to tell you to do yoga, take a class, etc, when you feel like shit and don't know what to do but walk around your house in a stupor of disbelief. The betrayal is huge, and if you have your own issues with self-worth it leaves you doubting and questioning everything you did or said, wishing you could re-do this or that, wishing you could explain. Hold onto the only hope that really will help you--that in two weeks, two months, six months, you will probably look back on this as less of a tragedy. Your bf was not bringing enough to the table to make it work, and that was either a reaction pattern of his or a conscious choice he made. You can't control it, and you would be much better off with a man who can be there for you, wants you for you, and will honor the relationship.
Two thoughts/quotes to consider:
My Dad once told me that how a man ends a relationship shows his true character. If your bf cut you off suddenly and was cold/withdrew completely without any courage to comfort or at least respect you, he's not up to much at this point in his life.
Eckhart Tolle: "Acceptance is to have no story around the simple reality of what is" When you realize you are hoping/storytelling/reliving/wishing/explaining in your head, recognize that is the story, which keeps you from accepting what really is (he's gone), and try to gently let it go. Like a balloon into the sky. Go into the pain, it's a passing wave no matter how much it sucks. You have to dive through it to get past it.
Wherever you are, know you're not alone! I'm dealing with much the same and it hurts, yes it does. Hugs.
posted by trinka at 5:58 AM on September 16, 2015 [13 favorites]
I strongly suggest you set a firm boundary and go no contact. If your boyfriend does have a change of heart, make in-person communication a non-negotiable. My boyfriend spent the entire summer texting me (wouldn't speak on the phone), we went out a few times but he kept it platonic from there on out, and all he ever articulated was that he felt "ambivalent" and was afraid of rejection. It was absolute TORTURE and ended with me finally breaking it off once I realized he was lying about his whereabouts simultaneous with making plans with me. He was out but did not have the balls to do it, instead causing me unnecessary months of false hope and pain. Now, I'm dealing with depression, confusion, heartbreak, the same pain I would have had anyway but worse because of what ended up feeling like selfish weakness on his part. I think you are WAY BETTER OFF not being in contact with your ex, and you should remind yourself that if he did not "honor the relationship" and broke up with you suddenly and coldly, he is not your best friend.
I get the hope, the pain, the heartache, and I'm right there with you. I get how empty and insane it can be for people to tell you to do yoga, take a class, etc, when you feel like shit and don't know what to do but walk around your house in a stupor of disbelief. The betrayal is huge, and if you have your own issues with self-worth it leaves you doubting and questioning everything you did or said, wishing you could re-do this or that, wishing you could explain. Hold onto the only hope that really will help you--that in two weeks, two months, six months, you will probably look back on this as less of a tragedy. Your bf was not bringing enough to the table to make it work, and that was either a reaction pattern of his or a conscious choice he made. You can't control it, and you would be much better off with a man who can be there for you, wants you for you, and will honor the relationship.
Two thoughts/quotes to consider:
My Dad once told me that how a man ends a relationship shows his true character. If your bf cut you off suddenly and was cold/withdrew completely without any courage to comfort or at least respect you, he's not up to much at this point in his life.
Eckhart Tolle: "Acceptance is to have no story around the simple reality of what is" When you realize you are hoping/storytelling/reliving/wishing/explaining in your head, recognize that is the story, which keeps you from accepting what really is (he's gone), and try to gently let it go. Like a balloon into the sky. Go into the pain, it's a passing wave no matter how much it sucks. You have to dive through it to get past it.
Wherever you are, know you're not alone! I'm dealing with much the same and it hurts, yes it does. Hugs.
posted by trinka at 5:58 AM on September 16, 2015 [13 favorites]
trinka, I wish I could favorite that a billion times. What happened to you is beyond hideous but how you're handling it is as inspiring as what happened is awful. Thanks so much.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:08 AM on September 16, 2015
posted by Don Pepino at 8:08 AM on September 16, 2015
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(I'm sorry, this is awful)
posted by getawaysticks at 10:55 AM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]