Freaking out about moving/change - NYC to California
March 13, 2016 2:16 PM Subscribe
We're moving from NYC to California to the Tahoe/Truckee area and i'm really freaking out about it. Are we making a huge mistake? Will we fit in? Will it be multicultural/cosmopolitan enough? I need to make the panic/anxiety stop.
After a lot of deliberation, my boyfriend and I have decided to take the leap and move to California. We're both from NYC but I lived in California (SF) for a year before coming back to NYC for work and family reasons. It's been two years since I moved back and we both feel like we need to make a change - NYC is great in its own way, but I don't feel like i'm developing professionally at all and we would love more access to the outdoors. We're also planning on starting a family soon (including getting a second dog! :) and would love to raise our child in nature.
We chose the Truckee/Tahoe area for its beauty, tons of outdoor activities, and relatively easy access to Reno (where we will both be working 3x/week). It's also a reasonable drive to both Sacramento and San Francisco, where we both have close friends. I only spent one year in California previously, and didn't have a chance to explore much; he's never lived there, so we're looking forward to exploring the gorgeous nature there together. I'm also excited about professional opportunities (i'm a physician trained in wilderness medicine) with the local search and rescue and ski patrol groups.
This is all great - BUT - now that I've told my landlord and current boss that i'm leaving in June, everything feels much more real, and i'm totally freaking out. I have generalized anxiety in any case and this has exacerbated it to the point that I'm having panic attacks several times per week. I'm starting to doubt my choices - are we making the right decision by moving? I know that I we can always move back if we don't like it out there, but leaving NY somehow feels so huge and final that it's really freaking me out. Interestingly, when I was in California and moving back to NYC, I was freaking out about that too. So I think it's more me, and my crazy brain, then the situation itself, but I can't seem to make the panic attacks and fear stop.
Any advice? My biggest fears about moving back is that I'll miss NYC too much, that we won't make friends/ become part of a community, and that it won't feel cosmopolitan enough (not to be pretentious, but we're trilingual and have traveled and worked abroad extensively and i'm worried that the area won't be up to speed socially/culturally). I had a therapist in California but haven't needed one these past two years in NYC. I don't want to try meds as I've usually been able to control my anxiety in the past with therapy, yoga, etc. I would especially appreciate input from anyone who has moved cross-country and anyone who lives in the Tahoe/Truckee area currently.
After a lot of deliberation, my boyfriend and I have decided to take the leap and move to California. We're both from NYC but I lived in California (SF) for a year before coming back to NYC for work and family reasons. It's been two years since I moved back and we both feel like we need to make a change - NYC is great in its own way, but I don't feel like i'm developing professionally at all and we would love more access to the outdoors. We're also planning on starting a family soon (including getting a second dog! :) and would love to raise our child in nature.
We chose the Truckee/Tahoe area for its beauty, tons of outdoor activities, and relatively easy access to Reno (where we will both be working 3x/week). It's also a reasonable drive to both Sacramento and San Francisco, where we both have close friends. I only spent one year in California previously, and didn't have a chance to explore much; he's never lived there, so we're looking forward to exploring the gorgeous nature there together. I'm also excited about professional opportunities (i'm a physician trained in wilderness medicine) with the local search and rescue and ski patrol groups.
This is all great - BUT - now that I've told my landlord and current boss that i'm leaving in June, everything feels much more real, and i'm totally freaking out. I have generalized anxiety in any case and this has exacerbated it to the point that I'm having panic attacks several times per week. I'm starting to doubt my choices - are we making the right decision by moving? I know that I we can always move back if we don't like it out there, but leaving NY somehow feels so huge and final that it's really freaking me out. Interestingly, when I was in California and moving back to NYC, I was freaking out about that too. So I think it's more me, and my crazy brain, then the situation itself, but I can't seem to make the panic attacks and fear stop.
Any advice? My biggest fears about moving back is that I'll miss NYC too much, that we won't make friends/ become part of a community, and that it won't feel cosmopolitan enough (not to be pretentious, but we're trilingual and have traveled and worked abroad extensively and i'm worried that the area won't be up to speed socially/culturally). I had a therapist in California but haven't needed one these past two years in NYC. I don't want to try meds as I've usually been able to control my anxiety in the past with therapy, yoga, etc. I would especially appreciate input from anyone who has moved cross-country and anyone who lives in the Tahoe/Truckee area currently.
Best answer: I have moved quite a few times, and honestly I pretty much ALWAYS have this exact freakout. No matter how awesome the new city/job/opportunity is, and how many reasons I have for knowing that the move is a good idea, it still pretty much always happens at some point.
Some practices I have tried to get some perspective:
1. Accept that this freakout is normal and natural, and know that it's happened before and it is something that will pass.
2. Remind myself that if I really give the new city a try and it is truly unworkable, I do have options -- this is know a prison sentence and no one can force me to stay.
3. Before the move, start a Google map with all the awesome things in the new place that I come across (this could also be a paper-and-pen list, whatever). This encourages me to actively research cool things in the new area, gives me positive anticipation, and then once I get there I have a ready made list of cool things to check out.
4. Be proactive about building community in your new place. I find that with the stress of moving it is really hard to also push myself to meet new people (or even connect with friends I already have in that area). But, I also find that the more I do this work, the happier I am. Obviously this is harder as an adult than it was as a student, but for me this means regularly attending church, actively asking my work colleagues to social things like out to lunch, and always saying yes if they ask me, and being proactive about forming new relationships when I cross paths with cool people (even thought this is totally unnatural/awkward to me). For you, it could also mean being active about joining a parents' group and getting to know your child's friend's parents, hanging out at a dog park, taking a class, whatever. Friendships/community building take time, but once you put in that effort it is so worth it to making a new place feel like home.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:17 PM on March 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
Some practices I have tried to get some perspective:
1. Accept that this freakout is normal and natural, and know that it's happened before and it is something that will pass.
2. Remind myself that if I really give the new city a try and it is truly unworkable, I do have options -- this is know a prison sentence and no one can force me to stay.
3. Before the move, start a Google map with all the awesome things in the new place that I come across (this could also be a paper-and-pen list, whatever). This encourages me to actively research cool things in the new area, gives me positive anticipation, and then once I get there I have a ready made list of cool things to check out.
4. Be proactive about building community in your new place. I find that with the stress of moving it is really hard to also push myself to meet new people (or even connect with friends I already have in that area). But, I also find that the more I do this work, the happier I am. Obviously this is harder as an adult than it was as a student, but for me this means regularly attending church, actively asking my work colleagues to social things like out to lunch, and always saying yes if they ask me, and being proactive about forming new relationships when I cross paths with cool people (even thought this is totally unnatural/awkward to me). For you, it could also mean being active about joining a parents' group and getting to know your child's friend's parents, hanging out at a dog park, taking a class, whatever. Friendships/community building take time, but once you put in that effort it is so worth it to making a new place feel like home.
posted by rainbowbrite at 3:17 PM on March 13, 2016 [6 favorites]
It's for sure not cosmopolitan, but you can get that on long weekends in San Francisco
My parents lived in Cameron Park, and there were tons of fun things to do. Apple picking, arts festivals, going to Humbolt with nail scissors...
It's VERY different, and living in a place is not the same as vacationing there.
FWIW, I too freak out in exactly the same way. Weirdly, I had a nightmare last night about moving from Atlanta back to Florida and....gruesome.
Breathe deep. You never know where your next move is, but know that you can always do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:20 PM on March 13, 2016
My parents lived in Cameron Park, and there were tons of fun things to do. Apple picking, arts festivals, going to Humbolt with nail scissors...
It's VERY different, and living in a place is not the same as vacationing there.
FWIW, I too freak out in exactly the same way. Weirdly, I had a nightmare last night about moving from Atlanta back to Florida and....gruesome.
Breathe deep. You never know where your next move is, but know that you can always do it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:20 PM on March 13, 2016
As long as you eat a lot of pizza and bagels before you leave NYC you'll be fine. Tahoe is full of great people and there is lots to do. But you can't find a decent bagel or a reasonable slice of pizza. June is the perfect time to move, the weather will be perfect in Tahoe.
posted by foodgeek at 4:13 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by foodgeek at 4:13 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hi from Grass Valley! Other side of the mountains from Truckee, but same county. If you're going to live in rural California, Tahoe/Truckee is about as sophisticated as it gets. Lots of money, wealthy vacationers, restaurants for out of town money. Truckee is also a nice small town with its own thing for locals. But it's still rural California. And Reno, not to put too fine a point on it, is kind of a sad small city.
It's a long drive from Truckee to SF; figure 4 hours with normal traffic, 3.5 absolute best case. It's a long drive for a weekend.
Not to discourage you; Truckee is lovely. You'll find plenty of bilingual folks there, and cultured folks, and good food. And lots of SF / LA / NYC type people who are either there on vacation or else to get the hell out of the city for a few years.
posted by Nelson at 4:17 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
It's a long drive from Truckee to SF; figure 4 hours with normal traffic, 3.5 absolute best case. It's a long drive for a weekend.
Not to discourage you; Truckee is lovely. You'll find plenty of bilingual folks there, and cultured folks, and good food. And lots of SF / LA / NYC type people who are either there on vacation or else to get the hell out of the city for a few years.
posted by Nelson at 4:17 PM on March 13, 2016 [1 favorite]
Tahoe is a mountain resort for rich city people. If you're living in a year-rounder community you will get the California version of mountain people - a lot of hippiesh looking people driving Subarus but half with Trump and NRA bumper stickers instead of the rainbow flag or human rights campaign logo.
posted by MattD at 4:41 PM on March 13, 2016
posted by MattD at 4:41 PM on March 13, 2016
I've only visited Tahoe a few times, but I have relocated several times.
I give myself at least a year to get into the swing of a place. Every thing takes time: how locals pronounce the one thing differently (just pronounce it like they do), how to get around, getting new ID (registering to vote is a great way to feel a commitment for a place), and making friends. Understand that you may not feel comfortable right away but in time, it will get better.
posted by Monday at 4:54 PM on March 13, 2016
I give myself at least a year to get into the swing of a place. Every thing takes time: how locals pronounce the one thing differently (just pronounce it like they do), how to get around, getting new ID (registering to vote is a great way to feel a commitment for a place), and making friends. Understand that you may not feel comfortable right away but in time, it will get better.
posted by Monday at 4:54 PM on March 13, 2016
Best answer: I liked the north shore best, California side. It is still close enough to the Mt. Rose Hwy to get to Reno. Get a place near enough to the lake, it is a part of your life. look at Carnelian Bay to Incline Village. I am suggesting you choose the lake basin, rather than Truckee.
posted by Oyéah at 6:06 PM on March 13, 2016
posted by Oyéah at 6:06 PM on March 13, 2016
My rule on California is you have to give it a year. If you make it a year, you stay. I see loads of people turn around after 6 or 9 months, because its different. Really different. Particularly from NY, in ways that won't necessarily be noticeable at first. But if you can push through a year, you'll most likely stay.
posted by Toddles at 7:12 PM on March 13, 2016
posted by Toddles at 7:12 PM on March 13, 2016
I once read here on AskMeFi someone say that moving is one of the very major life decisions that is relatively easy to undo. I think it's true. The worst that happens is you don't like it and you have to pay to lug your crap across the country again. It's not really something that will have a lasting impact if you decide it was the wrong decision.
I've lived in many places and I've moved many times, mostly for jobs but also just for the experience and adventure of it. I lived in Northern California and hated it. I am from the east coast originally. I gave it more than a year and decided I had enough. So I just figured out my job situation and moved again. But in that year there, I learned more about what I *did* want in terms of where to live. I realized I need an urban setting -- doesn't have to be a huge city, but I need it to be city-like. I also realized that I hate car culture and sitting in traffic, and I realized it was to blame for other places I didn't like but I didn't know at the time. So now I moved to an urban setting where I don't need a car, I sold my car and I'm happy.
Whether you love it or hate it, you're really going to be just fine. I promise. I've lived in several places I haven't liked and several I have. It's not the end of the world if you don't. Have an open mind, look forward to new experience and be ready to learn more about yourself.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:21 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I've lived in many places and I've moved many times, mostly for jobs but also just for the experience and adventure of it. I lived in Northern California and hated it. I am from the east coast originally. I gave it more than a year and decided I had enough. So I just figured out my job situation and moved again. But in that year there, I learned more about what I *did* want in terms of where to live. I realized I need an urban setting -- doesn't have to be a huge city, but I need it to be city-like. I also realized that I hate car culture and sitting in traffic, and I realized it was to blame for other places I didn't like but I didn't know at the time. So now I moved to an urban setting where I don't need a car, I sold my car and I'm happy.
Whether you love it or hate it, you're really going to be just fine. I promise. I've lived in several places I haven't liked and several I have. It's not the end of the world if you don't. Have an open mind, look forward to new experience and be ready to learn more about yourself.
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:21 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Unfortunately, there's no real way to assimilate except to do so by staying and getting used to how things work. When I moved to California I hated it, then I moved to the Bay Area and hated it. I now consider myself a Californian and lived in the Bay Area 25 years. I loved living there but it was quite a change in my worldview to get rooted there. That's just the way it works. You may hate Truckee for the first 3 months or longer then find it suddenly grows on you. Like someone said above, it takes a year to settle in, get used to the seasons and start growing a community. Once you do so, Tahoe/Truckee is one of the most beautiful and great places to live anywhere. Yes, it's somewhat rural but you knew that going in, right?
posted by diode at 8:14 PM on March 13, 2016
posted by diode at 8:14 PM on March 13, 2016
I'm currently in the process of relocating, from LA to SLC, and yeah, I too have generalized anxiety, have suffered panic attacks, and definitely get blind-sided by moments of freaking out (almost always by completely unanticipated triggers). But every time I find myself freaking out, I bring myself back down to earth by reminding myself that this is *good* freak out - it is happening because of the unknowns, rather than bad knowns - and I think that's generally a kinda healthy path to be taking (i.e. exposing yourself to significant unknowns).
I think you're always going to come unstuck/ feed your anxiety though every time you try to:
1) compare Truckee to NYC, which are bonkers different and there's nothing anyone here can tell you that's going to change that
2) compare Truckee to SF, which are also bonkers different, albethey in the same state.
The bottom line is that you - as I am - are trading in the pro's of big city cosmopolitan living for the pro's of almost immediate access to some of the most beautiful outdoors areas in the country. You really can't have it all - but being able to have part of it (cosmo city living) in one location, and then being able to move to enjoy another part (doorstep outdoors activities) in another is a pretty damn good deal.
At the risk of sounding trite, in trying something new I don't believe you can fail - you can't make a "huge mistake" - you can only have new experiences from which to learn from. And of course the best bit in all of this is that if it really sucks balls, you get to go back and appreciate NYC even more than you did before: win-win.
posted by forallmankind at 10:48 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
I think you're always going to come unstuck/ feed your anxiety though every time you try to:
1) compare Truckee to NYC, which are bonkers different and there's nothing anyone here can tell you that's going to change that
2) compare Truckee to SF, which are also bonkers different, albethey in the same state.
The bottom line is that you - as I am - are trading in the pro's of big city cosmopolitan living for the pro's of almost immediate access to some of the most beautiful outdoors areas in the country. You really can't have it all - but being able to have part of it (cosmo city living) in one location, and then being able to move to enjoy another part (doorstep outdoors activities) in another is a pretty damn good deal.
At the risk of sounding trite, in trying something new I don't believe you can fail - you can't make a "huge mistake" - you can only have new experiences from which to learn from. And of course the best bit in all of this is that if it really sucks balls, you get to go back and appreciate NYC even more than you did before: win-win.
posted by forallmankind at 10:48 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As a former New Yorker who has now lived in Miami, LA, rural Ct and now North Carolina I totally can relate to your freaking out. Moving is at the same time exciting and super stressful and there is usually that moment where you think you made a huge mistake. Sometime you do and guess what you can leave. This is of course, not what you want to be thinking going in. I had that happen to me in Miami. Having moved from NYC to the land of sun and beaches I thought it would be a great place to enjoy the Latin culture and the Caribbean lifestyle - as close as you can get in the US. But after a few months I realized it wasn't for me and six months later moved to LA. A much better fit!
I do agree it's best to give it a year before deciding what you feel about the place and Tahoe is beautiful. It's light years away from NY but it sounds like you have some good reasons to want to be there and starting a family will be a lot easier there than NY.
To me, there are great people everywhere and community is not that hard to build if you commit to the place.
Funny enough where we are now is the least favorite spot we have moved to; Durham, NC but the people are friendliest of all our moves.
I advise you to focus on what you are going there for and really enjoy the nature and outdoors which is very soothing and calming. Whenever I am not able to control anxiety I find nature will be the best solution.
Going back to NY would not be the answer in my opinion. I did it twice and it was just a temporary solution. Better to move forward than back.
posted by privatechef at 12:37 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
I do agree it's best to give it a year before deciding what you feel about the place and Tahoe is beautiful. It's light years away from NY but it sounds like you have some good reasons to want to be there and starting a family will be a lot easier there than NY.
To me, there are great people everywhere and community is not that hard to build if you commit to the place.
Funny enough where we are now is the least favorite spot we have moved to; Durham, NC but the people are friendliest of all our moves.
I advise you to focus on what you are going there for and really enjoy the nature and outdoors which is very soothing and calming. Whenever I am not able to control anxiety I find nature will be the best solution.
Going back to NY would not be the answer in my opinion. I did it twice and it was just a temporary solution. Better to move forward than back.
posted by privatechef at 12:37 AM on March 14, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you so much to everyone for your advice and comments. I'm feeling a lot better tonight, the panic attack has stopped and I'm back to feeling confident about the move. In my heart - and my gut - this definitely feels like the right decision, I just need to stop letting myself get distracted by little things and letting others opinions get in my head. Just going to take some long deep breaths and get back to the (somewhat overwhelming) logistics. And to the person who suggested Tahoe Vista --- excellent recommendation, thank you!! We will definitely look into that area as well.
posted by nightdoctress at 9:02 PM on March 14, 2016
posted by nightdoctress at 9:02 PM on March 14, 2016
Best answer: I moved from Seattle to tiny Incline Village (it has all of 3 stoplights), which is right on Lake Tahoe and about 12 miles from Truckee. And before that, I pretty much lived and worked just outside of Philly. At first, I admit, I had a little bit of culture shock. I remember after living here for a few years how I saw a black man walking down the street, and I thought, "Oh look, there's a black man walking down the street." I would never have even thought that when I was living in a big city. After years of living in a small town that is predominately white and Republican, that is what happens to you.
But I have completely embraced small town living, in particular the beauty of living in such a glorious place like this area. People here are so laid back and so open. Living in a small town means people get to know you i.e. the mailman even knows my dog's name. I joke that you can either find what you need 5 minutes away (everything in all the small town here are 5 minute away) or a scenic hour's drive to Reno or Carson City.
But OMG, Tahoe and the Sierra Nevada - it's jaw dropping. So much to see and do here. And hey, you're a wildlife physician - volunteer for a stint at Burning Man! Winter here can get a bit crazy, but nothing a snowblower and great winter tires won't fix.
And to whoever said Reno was a podunk town - that's not quite true. There's a great, thriving art scene, lots of cool craft breweries, fantastic restaurants - nope, they're not quite SF or NYC level, but they're pretty dang good. The REAL Reno - at least the ones the local know and not where the damn tourists frequent - is one I've slowly fallen in love with.
Feel free to MeMail me when you get to our neck of the woods.
posted by HeyAllie at 9:09 AM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
But I have completely embraced small town living, in particular the beauty of living in such a glorious place like this area. People here are so laid back and so open. Living in a small town means people get to know you i.e. the mailman even knows my dog's name. I joke that you can either find what you need 5 minutes away (everything in all the small town here are 5 minute away) or a scenic hour's drive to Reno or Carson City.
But OMG, Tahoe and the Sierra Nevada - it's jaw dropping. So much to see and do here. And hey, you're a wildlife physician - volunteer for a stint at Burning Man! Winter here can get a bit crazy, but nothing a snowblower and great winter tires won't fix.
And to whoever said Reno was a podunk town - that's not quite true. There's a great, thriving art scene, lots of cool craft breweries, fantastic restaurants - nope, they're not quite SF or NYC level, but they're pretty dang good. The REAL Reno - at least the ones the local know and not where the damn tourists frequent - is one I've slowly fallen in love with.
Feel free to MeMail me when you get to our neck of the woods.
posted by HeyAllie at 9:09 AM on March 15, 2016 [1 favorite]
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But it's not NYC. There is not nearly as much nightlife, late night restaurants, and well, Tahoe is a smallish mountain town. But it's also an expensive mountain town, meaning the people who live there tend to be well-educated and well-travelled. It might be a bit of a culture shock in the sense that people often hug here when they say hi, they meet your eye when you're walking around, and strangers will make small-talk with you. That took me a bit to get used to, but I find I really like it now.
Making a big move to a place where you don't know anyone is stressful. I've done it twice. But when I moved from Virginia to Colorado, I found a wonderful community like I never had before. Then I moved to SF and found a place that actually feels like home, and my friends here are like family. I love it out here, I think you will too :)
posted by ananci at 3:02 PM on March 13, 2016 [2 favorites]