Distill my bleeding parts
April 30, 2008 8:52 PM Subscribe
I've been putting off this post for fear of not getting everything across, I almost completely lack confidence and a sense of identity.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total) 35 users marked this as a favorite
Over the last four years or so I've found myself becoming more and more painfully aware of shortcomings in my personality. I will begin with a summary of various feelings that plague my everyday life:
-To begin, I feel like I've lost some intelligence and cannot connect things like I used to.
-In correlation, I feel like my sense of humor has become very poor.
-This makes it difficult for me in one-on-one interactions, and I panic to say something in silences.
-When I cannot think of anything (maybe I'm thinking too hard), I begin to feel really boring- worried that I will be deemed so.
-That makes things awkward for me, and I find myself letting my self worth ride on other people or things outside of my control.
-I don't feel respected, and sometimes not even worthy of respect.
I have been to several therapists, but they've always disappointed me in diagnosing these problems. I would say I'm depressed, but not in the clinical sense- I still have fun around people, I just feel like I'm always on trial. That coupled with my already low self-esteem makes things very difficult for me socially. Being so focused on this, I think I tend to fuck up more- like I'm over-thinking it. You can see how this would lead into a self-perpetuating downward spiral.
I've tried developing mantras and reading about self esteem improvement, however as I said I feel my intelligence has slipped and with it has gone my retention. I feel like I'm always forgetting what I've learned, and when situations arise from which I should be learning, I try to remember them as best I can. Usually they are forgotten.
So it's kind of a giant fog of miserableness. But I feel like I could actually do something about all of this- I'm going to go back to school in the fall to start exercising my mind again. I want to study philosophy and psychology for very obvious reasons.
The reason I'm posting this to AskMe is to reach out and see if anyone has ever dealt or is dealing with similar reasoning behind what could be called social anxiety or depression.
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