Advice on how to deal with failure? I lost my job due to depression.

March 6, 2016 11:28 PM

I took a job in Mexico as an English teacher. Between dealing with culture shock and homesickness, moving away from my boyfriend, a major depressive episode, anxiety and panic, physical health issues, and experiencing an extreme trauma (was raped right before Christimas break)... well, suffice to say, it wasn't the best semester. I was just told that I will not be asked back next year. I was not planning on returning, but my self-esteem has taken a huge hit. How do I move forward after such an awful failure?

Longtime reader, but this is my first post here on MeFi.

I have dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 14 years old. I take medication - too much of it. Two different antidepressants and a benzodiazepine for anxiety. I have begun to drink far too much - every day, and in large quantities - since taking on this job. My good habits (exercise, healthy eating, any self-care, trying my best to avoid procrastination, etc.) have fallen to the wayside, and any bad habits I already had have been amplified tenfold.

At the beginning of December, I was "date raped" (not sure what else to call it - taken advantage of in my own apartment after having had too much to drink). I called out of work for 2 days, then went back to it. Mid-December, about a week after the incident, I was expected to develop mid-year exams for all three of the grades I teach, administer and proctor all 150 of them, then correct them in only one day.

I'd called out sick a lot even before the rape, which was at the end of the semester. Between the serious major depressive episode, the anxiety (I've even begun having panic attacks again after years without them), and actual physical illness, I've missed more days than I should have. I realize this, and I feel extreme amounts of guilt over it. I beat myself up constantly for not meeting the mark. I also have an issue with approval seeking. I need my boss to like me. She doesn't, and it kills me.

I should also mention that I have received zero support from the administration during all of this. There is a lot of "supportive posturing," and they try to appear as though they are "always there to help and support you," but this is not the case. I had to create all my curriculum for three separate grade levels from scratch - there is no guidance here at all. I was never assigned a mentor. The list goes on.

Things were looking up! My boyfriend moved down here in January - he stayed back home while I was here the first semester so he could get his affairs in order before leaving to join me in Mexico; things have improved since his arrival. Also, I began to see a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist the week before I was raped. I believe she is helping me. Just as things were starting to really improve, I was notified last week that I would not be asked back next year.

I'm not sure how to move on. How do I face my boss for the next four months? How do I motivate myself to do a good job when I've been told I haven't been doing a good job all along? How do I reconcile all these feelings and rebuild my self-esteem in the long term after I leave this place?

When the school year is over, I will pack up my bags and head home. But my first year as a (full-time middle/high school) teacher was a failure. I have a boss who doesn't respect me and thinks I'm incompetent and lazy. I'm afraid to use her as a reference.

posted by chocolatespaghetti to Grab Bag (10 answers total)

I don't think the Mexican education system is that progressive. In some ways, it can reflect the power-structures/class system of the society. That's a complicated thing, but I just wanted to say that to reinforce the idea that you may need to look elsewhere -- friends, colleagues, boyfriend, yourself, students -- for positive reinforcement. Not all bosses are good at that, and probably less so at the schools in Mexico I taught in. Not a clear rule though, I found plenty of wonderful exceptions!

That being said, most teachers suffer through their first year. It's the year you grow a thick skin and realize its pretty difficult to manage a classroom full of adolescents. Kudos for making it through the full year. Your boss should help you and not belittle you. I hope this one experience doesn't sour you on teaching.

I think you can easily use a co-worker as a reference, or maybe a different boss with whom you got along better.

I can't speak about much more than my academic experiences, but my heart goes out to you. Don't overestimate the power of that one unhelpful person over your career. A first-year reference was unlikely to be great anyway. Many schools in Mexico don't even check references from previous employers.
posted by pynchonesque at 11:42 PM on March 6, 2016 [1 favorite]

Living in another country is very difficult. I'm just finishing up my first year in Italy living with my in-laws and I was about ready for divorce court.

You mention that you're drinking more than you're comfortable with. I'd recommend a great spiritual program that can help you with A LOT of your issues. Alcoholics Anonymous. Depressed people who drink and use drugs too much have been crawling into their doors for decades and a lot of people say it doesn't work, but a lot of people do. Hey, the price is right. Give it a try!!

I've found a lot of comfort after firings and lay offs in hearing other peoples stories of failure. Try this one for starters.

Fired!: Tales of the Canned, Canceled, Downsized, and Dismissed
By Annabelle Gurwitch
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:17 AM on March 7, 2016 [1 favorite]

In my first year as a teacher I did a shitty job because it's so stressful that I was happy just to live through each class. It was awful. The administration did not support me at all Basically I was thrown to the wolves. My anxiety spiraled out of control (panic attacks every morning at 4:00 AM). My blood pressure skyrocketed. It was 220/180 and I had to go on immediate meds for it.

I didn't have a trauma like rape to deal with either.

So you are most certainly not alone.

You don't need a referral from your boss, so don't ask her for one.

You know that drinking on anti-depressants is a terrible choice to make. So stop drinking. Try a 12-step program if you find that you're addicted, but you're endangering your health if you continue.

If you can bail now and move back to your home, do that. Move in with family and let them nurse you back to health.

Failure isn't so scary, it says nothing about your skills or talents or abilities. Failure is a series of events, influenced by environmental dysfunction. I'm not shocked that this was so hard for you that bad things happened, I would be shocked if it wasn't a recipe for disaster.

Why do you feel the need to stick out the next four months? If you have a contract, see if they'll let you out. If they won't, just stop giving a shit. You've already gone down in flames, just do the bare minimum. You have my permission to sleepwalk through your days. As for exams, Scantron is your friend. Just use the exams from the textbook. Don't wrap yourself around the axle here. All you're aiming for is to get through the next four months.
If you teach English or Literature, ping me via memail and I'll give you some ideas for easy lesson plans that kids like and that won't stress the fuck out of you.

If you have to explain the year gap on your resume, you can simply say, "I spent the year teaching in Mexico. As a first year teacher, I learned a lot about classroom and administrative dynamics. I failed in a lot of ways, and I'm proud of the work that I was able to do. I wouldn't want to repeat the experience, but I'm glad that I had it."

Stay in therapy, stop drinking and be kind to yourself. You did the best you could and it kicked your ass. I was 36 when I entered the classroom, with decades of work experience behind me and I totally fucked up on a regular basis. It kicked my ass too, and I was teaching in my own country.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:07 AM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

If you're going to fail at anything, some shitty overseas gig is the best possible thing to fail at. Take my word for it, I did it in a big dramatic way that I thought it was world ending at the time. It was crushing because I had it in my head that all my peers were being so successful at it but really, I was the only person making a huge deal out of it. Also, as an anxiety sufferer myself, the happiest time I can ever recall at work was a the first time I was told that I was being laid off at the end of a project. I just stopped giving a damn and started experimenting with new ways of interacting because it suddenly, and for the first time ever, didn't matter. Liberating. Also therapy is important, keep it up.

Sorry about what you've gone through. It'll turn around.
posted by bonobothegreat at 6:33 AM on March 7, 2016 [3 favorites]

1. >Two different antidepressants and a benzodiazepine for anxiety.
Wow. But I am not an MD, so can't say anything about this.

2. > I was just told that I will not be asked back next year.
English teachers are a dime a dozen. So are English teaching jobs. Don't worry.

3. >But my first year as a (full-time middle/high school) teacher was a failure.
You are far ahead of the curve already. You have high school experience. There are tons of private schools that always need teachers. You could find an English teaching job in Asia in a second but due to "1" I suggest maybe not to move to such a different culture or at least proceed with caution.

> I need my boss to like me. She doesn't, and it kills me.
Your happiness should not depend on your boss.

> I'm afraid to use her as a reference.
Talk to her and ask her. Have a friend email/call her as a reference. For most English teaching jobs the employer won't care about your references.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 7:22 AM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

I had a very bad time in my life twenty years ago. I dropped out of a prestigious school to return to a "fiancé" who asked me to come home. When I got back everything went wrong. He was cheating on me and did nothing to hide it. I was broke and had nowhere to go. And in deep denial. We agreed I'd sleep on the couch until I found somewhere to go. I go a second job for extra money. It all ended when suddenly his aunt I never met before showed up to berate, humiliate me and throw me out that instant. My mom came to pick me up and let me move in with her. Meanwhile I couldn't stop crying at my new job. Since it was my first week they assumed I was disturbed and concocted a plan to prove me incompetent and shoved me out the door. I've never been fired before or since or been told I was incompetent. It still stings. I'm so sorry. Please go easy on yourself and find good help. I got bad help and I went down a hole for years dealing with the fallout. I turned out okay in the end but I grieved much longer than I wish I had. And didn't get the help I deserved. And dated a few losers.
posted by i_love_squirrels at 7:47 AM on March 7, 2016

Quit. Break your contract. It sounds like you won't be able to use this job as a reference and it is causing you immense amounts of daily anxiety.

Cut waaaay down on drinking. Especially with the benzos. Heavy drinking will exacerbate anxiety, your experience is case in point.

You have been exposed to SO MANY stressors:
1. Living in a new country
2. First year of teaching
3. Rape
4. Underlying depression and anxiety
5. LDR

You are going to look back on this with an immense amount of sympathy for yourself. Cut yourself some slack, spend a few days crying in bed and then focus on redeveloping those healthy habits.
posted by pintapicasso at 10:18 AM on March 7, 2016 [10 favorites]

You know how they say "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" Well, that's you. I'm don't really think it is fair to say that ' you failed" but it any case the worst has already happened. So now you have a wonderful freedom (if you want) to decide how you want to live the rest of the contract. Quit? Coast? Experiment with new approaches? Find out more about yourself as a teacher? Don't blame yourself (read all the other posts to see why not). Try to let the rest of this year be all about you and what YOU want for yourself before you move on to the next thing in your life.

(I realize this is probably obnoxiously rah-rah for your present mood - I'm just putting it out there as a different way to think about the situation. Good luck and big hugs)
posted by metahawk at 2:11 PM on March 7, 2016

Teachers these days are frequently hung out to dry, given no support, and dumped at the end of every year. Happens constantly now. This happens even to non-depressed people who haven't been through the shit year you've had.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:44 PM on March 7, 2016 [2 favorites]

How do I reconcile all of these feelings?

I just want to share a few things that have helped me with anxiety and negative self talk. Some of it you may already do in CBT.

1. Recently I've started centering myself. This involves asking myself, "what am I thinking? what am I feeling? what do I want?" I notice my thoughts and feelings without judgement (sometimes easier than others). Sometimes I don't realize I'm in a bad space until I start to do this. When you get better at noticing how you're feeling, it can help prevent a full-blown panic attack or addictive/compulsive behavior, like drinking. BUT the key is that it's NEVER TOO LATE. In the MIDDLE of an attack or an argument or a drinking binge, you can center yourself. It doesn't matter what you've been doing. You're not only as good as your last hour. Or your last job. Or your last year. What can you do going forward?

EX: What am I thinking? I don't want to have this meeting with my boss. I know she hates me. What am I feeling? I'm anxious, I have a knot in my stomach, I'm hungry, I feel embarrassed and resentful. I'm unhappy here. What do I want? To get through this as quickly and peacefully as possible. Not to leave bad feeling behind.

2. Avoiding negative self talk and self-loathing is easier if you talk to yourself either (1) like someone you love (mother, sister, best friend, etc.) OR (2) like a child.

EX: It's totally understandable that you feel uneasy all the time. You have to give yourself time to heal from a very traumatic experience, not to mention ongoing stress and inharmonious working conditions. I care about you and want you to be happy and content. Please let me know what I can do to help. OR I don't know about that drink, Chocolate Spaghetti. Maybe you want to space out and not think about things? Isn't there a new episode of your favorite show on? Weren't you saying earlier you'd like to take a relaxing bath?

3. When in doubt, think about other people. Sometimes it helps to take the focus off yourself. It might mean writing a nice email to a friend back home, or it might mean that what gets you through the next few months is connecting with your favorite students.

Good luck. You are loved, you are worthy, and some really terrible things have happened that aren't your fault. I think you can get through it!
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 2:26 PM on March 9, 2016 [3 favorites]