Love and Connection
February 7, 2016 12:18 PM Subscribe
Thinking a lot lately about love and connectedness. I posted previously about being single, now I'm looking for ways to create more love and connectedness - for myself and others. Not in a romantic sense, but in the sense of friendship and community.
I'm somewhat shy and socially awkward, and cautious with people I don't know well, so this is a bit of a hurdle for me. I'm reading books and online material on the subject but it isn't always easy to translate that into everyday practice. What are examples of things that help create connection, help people feel loved and welcome? Books, online material, personal anecdotes welcome.
Volunteer for anything you're passionate about and you will meet like-minded people that you will become friends with in your selected community.
posted by zagyzebra at 12:25 PM on February 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by zagyzebra at 12:25 PM on February 7, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't know if NextDoor works in your neighborhood, but if so it's a great tool for just this. We have lost dogs that neighbors meet up and look for, new people moving in that want to make neighborhood friends, volunteer opportunities posted regularly, issues that require community activism, etc. There are lots of different things there to get involved with, and you are ultimately helping make your neighborhood a better place.
posted by raisingsand at 12:40 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by raisingsand at 12:40 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
is this old thread any use? i think some advice there is gender-neutral.
posted by andrewcooke at 1:04 PM on February 7, 2016
posted by andrewcooke at 1:04 PM on February 7, 2016
I belong to a group that meets for specific things (speakers, book club, etc) but periodically gets together just for Creative Afternoons - the group leader has a garage-studio with lots of room to spread out, and she puts out paint and arranges a still life for people who want to paint/draw/photograph, everyone brings snacks and something they want to work on, so there might be a knitter chatting to someone working on their cosplay costume sharing a bowl of popcorn with a writer with headphones on. Sometimes a cluster of people will split up an adult coloring book and share markers.
The framework of being able to drop in/drop out, and either socialize or just chill in the vicinity, makes it extremely low-pressure and accommodating for people with social anxiety. Everyone is super-supportive, it's not any kind of competition, the snacks are good. For the shy, it can be a lot easier to engage sometimes when it's parallel instead of perpendicular. Same goes for shared work, as well - doing a group sort-and-pack at the food bank, sharing some plots at a community garden, etc.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:05 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
The framework of being able to drop in/drop out, and either socialize or just chill in the vicinity, makes it extremely low-pressure and accommodating for people with social anxiety. Everyone is super-supportive, it's not any kind of competition, the snacks are good. For the shy, it can be a lot easier to engage sometimes when it's parallel instead of perpendicular. Same goes for shared work, as well - doing a group sort-and-pack at the food bank, sharing some plots at a community garden, etc.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:05 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Nothing has done this for me as much as volunteering. It would have to be interactive, a group with a common goal that plans and accomplishes something together (or at least tries really hard). So, for me, stuffing envelopes at a large non-profit wouldn't do it. Something more grassroots would give a better chance of everyone feeling truly involved and integral part of something bigger.
If you're not into any causes, then other communal efforts might be good too. One that springs to mind would be community kitchens where people gather to cook in big batches and everyone takes home part of the food (some set aside a percentage to donate but this isn't necessary).
posted by Frenchy67 at 1:31 PM on February 7, 2016
If you're not into any causes, then other communal efforts might be good too. One that springs to mind would be community kitchens where people gather to cook in big batches and everyone takes home part of the food (some set aside a percentage to donate but this isn't necessary).
posted by Frenchy67 at 1:31 PM on February 7, 2016
Best answer: Some of this will depend a lot on where you are. I live in a rural area, and have a nice relationship but with someone who is far away so I like to aim for connectedness in my day to day life also. Some things I do
- attend community suppers/lunches - the community lunch is once a week and is sort of created to be a socializing thing for the older people in the town but I am also home during the day and it's for anyone. I go and meet people and talk to them and hear about things and it becomes a little routine. The suppers are often at churches but are absolutely not churchy and, again it's a good way to meet people I would otherwise maybe not meet.
- serve on a local governing board - I am a Justice of the Peace and I can marry people. I offer to do this basically for free, meet some nice people, help spread joy. This position also means I am a notary and serve on some local town boards in a volunteer capacity. If you are civic-minded (not everyone is, no shame in it) there are probably ways to get involved at a hyper local level.
- attending social events like at the library or something and aim to be a welcoming force (smile and say hi to people, for starters, just small stuff. Ask a question. Tell the librarian you enjoyed it.) or ask if you can help set up or take down. I am on a little local film club and ANYONE who stays around afterwards to help put away chairs has definitely solved a problem for us.
- if you are able bodied, just generally helping with things where you might be among other people who aren't where this thing that you may take for granted is a strength can be helpful AND help you feel good about yourself (lifting boxes at the library book sale is my example)
When I am not at home and on "vacation" in the summer times, I don't know as many local people and am not quite as much on that wavelength so I try to love my community a bit. I go for walks and pick up trash on the side of the road (helps beautify the place and people say "thank you!"). I review the local places on Yelp that don't otherwise get a lot of attention. I write letters to local civic groups saying I really enjoyed the thing they put on (the bake sale, the puppet show, whatever). You can really spread a lot of joy just by simply telling people that a thing they did inspired a good feeling in you. It sounds weird, but a lot of times people like to know that they made someone else feel good. Sometimes when I am feeling sort of bleh just showing up to an event in order to be a smiling person in the audience who wants to be there is the goal I set for myself but I think it helps.
posted by jessamyn at 1:50 PM on February 7, 2016 [24 favorites]
- attend community suppers/lunches - the community lunch is once a week and is sort of created to be a socializing thing for the older people in the town but I am also home during the day and it's for anyone. I go and meet people and talk to them and hear about things and it becomes a little routine. The suppers are often at churches but are absolutely not churchy and, again it's a good way to meet people I would otherwise maybe not meet.
- serve on a local governing board - I am a Justice of the Peace and I can marry people. I offer to do this basically for free, meet some nice people, help spread joy. This position also means I am a notary and serve on some local town boards in a volunteer capacity. If you are civic-minded (not everyone is, no shame in it) there are probably ways to get involved at a hyper local level.
- attending social events like at the library or something and aim to be a welcoming force (smile and say hi to people, for starters, just small stuff. Ask a question. Tell the librarian you enjoyed it.) or ask if you can help set up or take down. I am on a little local film club and ANYONE who stays around afterwards to help put away chairs has definitely solved a problem for us.
- if you are able bodied, just generally helping with things where you might be among other people who aren't where this thing that you may take for granted is a strength can be helpful AND help you feel good about yourself (lifting boxes at the library book sale is my example)
When I am not at home and on "vacation" in the summer times, I don't know as many local people and am not quite as much on that wavelength so I try to love my community a bit. I go for walks and pick up trash on the side of the road (helps beautify the place and people say "thank you!"). I review the local places on Yelp that don't otherwise get a lot of attention. I write letters to local civic groups saying I really enjoyed the thing they put on (the bake sale, the puppet show, whatever). You can really spread a lot of joy just by simply telling people that a thing they did inspired a good feeling in you. It sounds weird, but a lot of times people like to know that they made someone else feel good. Sometimes when I am feeling sort of bleh just showing up to an event in order to be a smiling person in the audience who wants to be there is the goal I set for myself but I think it helps.
posted by jessamyn at 1:50 PM on February 7, 2016 [24 favorites]
If you're a gardener, you could grow veggies and flowers and give them away to neighbors and other people you interact with.
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:18 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:18 PM on February 7, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I really appreciate all of the responses so far - lots of ideas I can use here. I'm also interested in small details that are the building blocks of why these bigger ideas work - for example, I feel loved and connected when someone acknowledges my contributions.
posted by bunderful at 2:34 PM on February 7, 2016
posted by bunderful at 2:34 PM on February 7, 2016
Something with a regular shared activity can be nice, whether it is some sort of social dance, games, cooking, photography, gardening, book clubs, or a craft group of some sort such as woodworking or knitting. This can smooth the initial social challenges because there is both something to do and something to talk about, and over time connections can develop.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 6:36 PM on February 7, 2016
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 6:36 PM on February 7, 2016
Best answer: Personal anecdotes ahoy :) Your question definitely resonates with me. I’ve realized that what I want more of is quiet intimacies- I’m awkward too and anxious so socializing isn’t enough if I have to feel “switched on”.
I feel connected when I go over to my sister’s house or visa versa and just hang around watching TV or reading or working on a project and letting conversation spark or lull. Contrast this with meeting her at a cafe to catch up, which I feel happy but also exhausted and still a bit lonely after. I also used to have a flatmate who I just clicked with in terms of quiet intimacies as well which made me think about what I’m looking for. We’d go hours or whole evenings barely talking, but would gravitate to the same room. We’d always ask about each other’s days and developed a good understanding of each other but just in an “it is what it is” way, no expectation of a long, pseudo-counselor-y conversation. As an example, I was having problems with my boyfriend, we never talked about it in any detail, I never asked her for advice or vented much, she knew what was going on and was extra thoughtful (did the dishes every night that week as soon as we’d finished dinner and cleaned the house, watched my favorite shows with me which she quite enjoyed as well). That quiet intimacy was more comforting than a rant at a bar with a friend. I think I provided her support at times just by being around- she struggled with anxiety but had more or less come to terms with the level she was at after a lot of doctors and therapists in the past. I never judged her for it or probed or problem-solved for her and I think she found comfort in that. I couldn’t believe how much I missed her when she left because the intimacy had just snuck up on me. We live in different cities now and tried talking on the phone like normal friends but it didn’t translate.
I’ve also personally found the right kind of working environment (and the right kind of work) to be a place that has given me a real sense of contentedness. I spend 40 hours there a week there with the same people, so a level of comfort does form naturally. I care about the work that I do and am fascinated by the industry I’m in so there’s instantly that connection with co-workers who feel the same. I take the time to get to know co-workers a little. Some people are hesitant to do this, and of course I totally respect that (although in my industry there tends to be real sense of comradery due to the nature of the work so it is the norm to be friendly with colleagues). For me personally I’m often happy to put in the emotional labor because in the context I don’t feel I am being exploited- I get connection from it and it is largely reciprocated. (Apologies if I’m misunderstanding the concept of emotional labor or if it sounds as if I am belittling the imbalance that it serves to highlight- I do believe that it is a very important concept and super explanatory, particularly as applied to imbalance, particularly gender imbalance). As an example, I have a colleague who is approaching retirement and pretty sick of the challenges of her role and we chat fairly often- usually venting a bit about work then chatting about her retirement hopes and dreams. I get a lot from being able to share the odd eye role and smile with her in the hallway. My car broke down last week and as soon as she found out she lent me her husband’s car for a couple of days and to be honest it did make me feel loved. Baba Ganoush recipe from a recent middle eastern immigrant colleague, too-spicy-for-her curry to take home from another, feeling good after a colleague I helped out with studying for an exam told me how clever she thinks I am and seeing how much effort she put in and how delighted she was with her mark etc. I don’t like framing it as what we “get out of it” by putting up with each other because it’s not about that, or it is but it’s also about a fleeting and small but nevertheless important connection.
I think the common thread here for me is that I’m looking for quiet intimacies along with acceptance (as contrasted with indifference or insecurity) and I’m trying to cultivate relationships in this vein.
posted by hotcoroner at 6:45 PM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
I feel connected when I go over to my sister’s house or visa versa and just hang around watching TV or reading or working on a project and letting conversation spark or lull. Contrast this with meeting her at a cafe to catch up, which I feel happy but also exhausted and still a bit lonely after. I also used to have a flatmate who I just clicked with in terms of quiet intimacies as well which made me think about what I’m looking for. We’d go hours or whole evenings barely talking, but would gravitate to the same room. We’d always ask about each other’s days and developed a good understanding of each other but just in an “it is what it is” way, no expectation of a long, pseudo-counselor-y conversation. As an example, I was having problems with my boyfriend, we never talked about it in any detail, I never asked her for advice or vented much, she knew what was going on and was extra thoughtful (did the dishes every night that week as soon as we’d finished dinner and cleaned the house, watched my favorite shows with me which she quite enjoyed as well). That quiet intimacy was more comforting than a rant at a bar with a friend. I think I provided her support at times just by being around- she struggled with anxiety but had more or less come to terms with the level she was at after a lot of doctors and therapists in the past. I never judged her for it or probed or problem-solved for her and I think she found comfort in that. I couldn’t believe how much I missed her when she left because the intimacy had just snuck up on me. We live in different cities now and tried talking on the phone like normal friends but it didn’t translate.
I’ve also personally found the right kind of working environment (and the right kind of work) to be a place that has given me a real sense of contentedness. I spend 40 hours there a week there with the same people, so a level of comfort does form naturally. I care about the work that I do and am fascinated by the industry I’m in so there’s instantly that connection with co-workers who feel the same. I take the time to get to know co-workers a little. Some people are hesitant to do this, and of course I totally respect that (although in my industry there tends to be real sense of comradery due to the nature of the work so it is the norm to be friendly with colleagues). For me personally I’m often happy to put in the emotional labor because in the context I don’t feel I am being exploited- I get connection from it and it is largely reciprocated. (Apologies if I’m misunderstanding the concept of emotional labor or if it sounds as if I am belittling the imbalance that it serves to highlight- I do believe that it is a very important concept and super explanatory, particularly as applied to imbalance, particularly gender imbalance). As an example, I have a colleague who is approaching retirement and pretty sick of the challenges of her role and we chat fairly often- usually venting a bit about work then chatting about her retirement hopes and dreams. I get a lot from being able to share the odd eye role and smile with her in the hallway. My car broke down last week and as soon as she found out she lent me her husband’s car for a couple of days and to be honest it did make me feel loved. Baba Ganoush recipe from a recent middle eastern immigrant colleague, too-spicy-for-her curry to take home from another, feeling good after a colleague I helped out with studying for an exam told me how clever she thinks I am and seeing how much effort she put in and how delighted she was with her mark etc. I don’t like framing it as what we “get out of it” by putting up with each other because it’s not about that, or it is but it’s also about a fleeting and small but nevertheless important connection.
I think the common thread here for me is that I’m looking for quiet intimacies along with acceptance (as contrasted with indifference or insecurity) and I’m trying to cultivate relationships in this vein.
posted by hotcoroner at 6:45 PM on February 7, 2016 [3 favorites]
A caveat re NextDoor: its effectiveness depends on your neighborhood. Ours, in a suddenly fast-gentrifying neighborhood, started out fine but has become a nightmare of trolls and fearmongering.
posted by mmiddle at 6:54 PM on February 7, 2016
posted by mmiddle at 6:54 PM on February 7, 2016
It is possible to feel lonely even in a friendly group, and I understood your question to be asking how to mitigate this, not specifically what kind of groups to be in. So apologies if I misunderstood and this seems vague.
From church I've learned that people tend to feel disconnected and unloved if they feel they are not "known" on more than a superficial basis, or if they feel that no one really cares if they are there or not.
Whatever kind of group you are in, people will feel more loved if you make the effort to really get to know them, to make opportunities to share thoughts and feelings, to care about their situations. When they mention a personal situation, remember to follow up, ask them how it's going, give them space to talk, show some empathy. One person left because nobody said anything to comfort them after they experienced a painful personal situation, and it made them feel very alone and like their connection to the group was merely superficial.
And if someone starts to fade away from the group, reach out to them and find out why, see if everything is ok. We've had a couple of people who started doing the slow fade at church for various reasons, who started coming back regularly after someone at church reached out to them to say they missed them and ask if everything was ok. We recently went through a period where we were barely attending due to basic life stress, and a couple of people contacted us in a low-key way to let us know we were missed and to see if we were all right. It really does make you feel cared for.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:11 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
From church I've learned that people tend to feel disconnected and unloved if they feel they are not "known" on more than a superficial basis, or if they feel that no one really cares if they are there or not.
Whatever kind of group you are in, people will feel more loved if you make the effort to really get to know them, to make opportunities to share thoughts and feelings, to care about their situations. When they mention a personal situation, remember to follow up, ask them how it's going, give them space to talk, show some empathy. One person left because nobody said anything to comfort them after they experienced a painful personal situation, and it made them feel very alone and like their connection to the group was merely superficial.
And if someone starts to fade away from the group, reach out to them and find out why, see if everything is ok. We've had a couple of people who started doing the slow fade at church for various reasons, who started coming back regularly after someone at church reached out to them to say they missed them and ask if everything was ok. We recently went through a period where we were barely attending due to basic life stress, and a couple of people contacted us in a low-key way to let us know we were missed and to see if we were all right. It really does make you feel cared for.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:11 AM on February 8, 2016 [3 favorites]
Singing in a choir. Research you can find with Google shows that singing with others creates a sense of connection beyond that found with other group activities. There's just something really special about singing.
In my part of the world there are lots of non audition community choirs that will accept anyone. Maybe there are similar opportunities where you live? Many people in one of my choirs are essentially tone deaf and/or can't read music but we all have a great time anyway.
I wasn't a great fan of singing when I joined my first choir but quickly came to love it and notice how it buoyed my mood instantly. After a year or so, my range has improved and my voice quality, and I'm a reasonably good singer. But in any case you can sing badly and still have fun!
posted by Stephanie_Says at 3:50 AM on February 9, 2016
In my part of the world there are lots of non audition community choirs that will accept anyone. Maybe there are similar opportunities where you live? Many people in one of my choirs are essentially tone deaf and/or can't read music but we all have a great time anyway.
I wasn't a great fan of singing when I joined my first choir but quickly came to love it and notice how it buoyed my mood instantly. After a year or so, my range has improved and my voice quality, and I'm a reasonably good singer. But in any case you can sing badly and still have fun!
posted by Stephanie_Says at 3:50 AM on February 9, 2016
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posted by phunniemee at 12:23 PM on February 7, 2016 [6 favorites]