Can't love someone or just don't love someone? How do I fix this?
October 16, 2015 9:39 AM Subscribe
I have been a series of unsuccessful relationships where my feelings disappeared over time. I cannot feel love for my long term partner, but also no longer feel love for family members.
I have a history of severe depression, which is clearly an issue, but am not currently feeling particularly depressed (by my own standards, if not those of most people). I don't know how to proceed in my current relationship, as I don't know if my feelings are masked, possibly recoverable or just gone forever.
I have posted here before about other emotional issues, but I’m keeping this anonymous because the other threads would link this one back to me. The MeFi community was *amazing* last time. This is a much more complex issue, but I would still appreciate your views.
Can I learn to love - my partner, myself, anyone?
I have suffered from diagnosed depression for 20 years and emotional problems since early childhood. My depression escalated over the years, leading to an intense two-year suicidal depression and a huge breakdown four years ago. Since then, I have been generally more stable, more in control of things and suicidal thoughts are much rarer. However, I think I have lost my ability to love. I do not feel that I love my partner and have struggled to feel any love for my parents or siblings since my last breakdown.
I have reduced my AD medication to see if that has any effect on my feelings. Although I am not feeling more than mildly depressed (by my own strange frame of reference), I have had a very stressful year at work and my sleeping has been getting more unbalanced (hypersomnia rather than insomnia). I also have issues around hoarding, which vary in severity depending on the state of my overall mental health.
Background… I have been with my partner for six years, but have not felt that I loved him for a long time. I thought I loved him in the beginning. I am not secretly angry and resentful towards him as I was when we first moved in together (we were in a long distance relationship until I moved to live with him), and things have been better between us the past few years. He loves me and believes that deep down I love him too, even though I can’t say so. We have talked about some of this; I have tried to be honest, but can't tell him the most brutal parts.
I have been in a series of unsuccessful relationships with men who loved me deeply. My first boyfriend had alcohol and substance misuse issues, and deep emotional problems, which led to depression and severe debts. I stayed with him much longer than I should have, taking care of him, and my loss of feeling seemed fairly understandable in the face of drinking, drugs, multiple arrests, infidelity and massive overspending. There were significant things I liked and valued about him (and have not found since) but I was young and isolated and put up with too much.
Boyfriend No. 2 seemed so nice and happy when I met him, and he tried to fulfil what he thought a good partner should be, but never really understood me and would not share his needs, problems or personal history with me. I had very warm feelings for him, but they turned out to be more platonic than romantic love, especially as lack of emotional intimacy led to lack of physical intimacy. It all went horribly wrong when I tried (as gently as I could) to break up with him after about 8 months, and he became severely depressed and suicidal.
Boyfriend No. 3 wanted to rescue me from my misery with Boyfriend No. 2 but I went through two breakdowns in response to BF2’s anger and desolation, and struggled to sustain my initial feelings for BF3 through that. After a year, he became distant, ended up sleeping with a mutual friend, and would not sacrifice his closeness with her - so the situation was unsalvageable. I don't blame him for wanting more, but I had been trying to give him as much as I could and in spite of our problems, this hurt like hell.
My current partner was married when we first met, but his wife of barely two years left him a few months later. So we came together through the wreckages of our respective relationships and in the beginning, it was very intense. About four months in, I felt myself sliding towards depression again and tried to explain to him my fears of what it would do to our relationship. The depression escalated until I couldn’t feel anything for him, and was doubting our plans to move in together. He (and others) thought the main issue was fear of a major life change, and I wished I could believe them.
Fast forward six years and my feelings have not returned. I fell unrequitedly in love with someone else before my partner and I met, which lasted four or five years, but even those feelings are now long gone. I held onto them, partly because they were at least evidence that I could feel something for somebody. Now I can’t feel anything for anyone. Not even my parents, who I previously felt a close (perhaps unhealthily close) bond with.
I have tried to seek out information and help on this, and have had multiple different types of therapy over the years. Most recently I was in regular therapy for two and a half years before terminating my therapist, and she was not helpful. We went round and round in circles, with generalities like “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” and “you can’t love because you won’t allow yourself to accept what you need from others”, with me desperate to understand how I could learn to do this. She would never really address the queries I raised or how I had already been trying to do these things. I don’t hate myself as I used to, but I have never loved myself and have no idea what that might be like. I wouldn’t know how to begin to feel it. If anything, I think my lack of positive feeling for others intensified during therapy.
Many people would/will probably advise me to leave my partner, for his sake, and let him find somebody else who isn’t so broken. He puts up with a lot. I wouldn’t blame him if he felt he had to leave, even though we would both suffer financially (we have a joint mortgage, he has no savings and our city is very expensive). I don’t know whether I do still love him, and it’s being blocked, or whether I really don’t any more, and that’s why I can’t feel it. In some ways, my life is so much better than it used to be and yet I am so empty. I find it hard to separate out the possibility that I can’t love because I am depressed or that I am depressed because I can’t love. Maybe a cycle of both.
I spent the first 22 years of my life thinking that this issue was finding someone to love me. Since then, it’s been finding someone that I can love, and feeling terrible guilt when that’s not someone who loves me back. Ideally, I would work on fixing myself outside of relationships and then my untangled brains and healthy emotions would be able to direct me to the right person. But given my past history, I’m not sure I can trust my instincts on that ever again. Also, I currently have no real conviction that this is fixable and there might not be a next time. It's a terrifying risk either way.
I can imagine what love feels like. I can imagine a good relationship. But this doesn't help me any more than imagining a million dollars. I think I'm generally empathetic and good at helping other people, even severely depressed people, with emotional issues. I seem able to comfort them but they can't find a way to comfort me. That's not their fault. It's just hard not to want someone to be my rock too.
Any thoughts? Books? Relationship counselling for individuals or other schools of therapy? Advice for self love (not the messy kind)? You can be stern if you want – I’m much too old to be this inept and clueless.
I have suffered from diagnosed depression for 20 years and emotional problems since early childhood. My depression escalated over the years, leading to an intense two-year suicidal depression and a huge breakdown four years ago. Since then, I have been generally more stable, more in control of things and suicidal thoughts are much rarer. However, I think I have lost my ability to love. I do not feel that I love my partner and have struggled to feel any love for my parents or siblings since my last breakdown.
I have reduced my AD medication to see if that has any effect on my feelings. Although I am not feeling more than mildly depressed (by my own strange frame of reference), I have had a very stressful year at work and my sleeping has been getting more unbalanced (hypersomnia rather than insomnia). I also have issues around hoarding, which vary in severity depending on the state of my overall mental health.
Background… I have been with my partner for six years, but have not felt that I loved him for a long time. I thought I loved him in the beginning. I am not secretly angry and resentful towards him as I was when we first moved in together (we were in a long distance relationship until I moved to live with him), and things have been better between us the past few years. He loves me and believes that deep down I love him too, even though I can’t say so. We have talked about some of this; I have tried to be honest, but can't tell him the most brutal parts.
I have been in a series of unsuccessful relationships with men who loved me deeply. My first boyfriend had alcohol and substance misuse issues, and deep emotional problems, which led to depression and severe debts. I stayed with him much longer than I should have, taking care of him, and my loss of feeling seemed fairly understandable in the face of drinking, drugs, multiple arrests, infidelity and massive overspending. There were significant things I liked and valued about him (and have not found since) but I was young and isolated and put up with too much.
Boyfriend No. 2 seemed so nice and happy when I met him, and he tried to fulfil what he thought a good partner should be, but never really understood me and would not share his needs, problems or personal history with me. I had very warm feelings for him, but they turned out to be more platonic than romantic love, especially as lack of emotional intimacy led to lack of physical intimacy. It all went horribly wrong when I tried (as gently as I could) to break up with him after about 8 months, and he became severely depressed and suicidal.
Boyfriend No. 3 wanted to rescue me from my misery with Boyfriend No. 2 but I went through two breakdowns in response to BF2’s anger and desolation, and struggled to sustain my initial feelings for BF3 through that. After a year, he became distant, ended up sleeping with a mutual friend, and would not sacrifice his closeness with her - so the situation was unsalvageable. I don't blame him for wanting more, but I had been trying to give him as much as I could and in spite of our problems, this hurt like hell.
My current partner was married when we first met, but his wife of barely two years left him a few months later. So we came together through the wreckages of our respective relationships and in the beginning, it was very intense. About four months in, I felt myself sliding towards depression again and tried to explain to him my fears of what it would do to our relationship. The depression escalated until I couldn’t feel anything for him, and was doubting our plans to move in together. He (and others) thought the main issue was fear of a major life change, and I wished I could believe them.
Fast forward six years and my feelings have not returned. I fell unrequitedly in love with someone else before my partner and I met, which lasted four or five years, but even those feelings are now long gone. I held onto them, partly because they were at least evidence that I could feel something for somebody. Now I can’t feel anything for anyone. Not even my parents, who I previously felt a close (perhaps unhealthily close) bond with.
I have tried to seek out information and help on this, and have had multiple different types of therapy over the years. Most recently I was in regular therapy for two and a half years before terminating my therapist, and she was not helpful. We went round and round in circles, with generalities like “you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” and “you can’t love because you won’t allow yourself to accept what you need from others”, with me desperate to understand how I could learn to do this. She would never really address the queries I raised or how I had already been trying to do these things. I don’t hate myself as I used to, but I have never loved myself and have no idea what that might be like. I wouldn’t know how to begin to feel it. If anything, I think my lack of positive feeling for others intensified during therapy.
Many people would/will probably advise me to leave my partner, for his sake, and let him find somebody else who isn’t so broken. He puts up with a lot. I wouldn’t blame him if he felt he had to leave, even though we would both suffer financially (we have a joint mortgage, he has no savings and our city is very expensive). I don’t know whether I do still love him, and it’s being blocked, or whether I really don’t any more, and that’s why I can’t feel it. In some ways, my life is so much better than it used to be and yet I am so empty. I find it hard to separate out the possibility that I can’t love because I am depressed or that I am depressed because I can’t love. Maybe a cycle of both.
I spent the first 22 years of my life thinking that this issue was finding someone to love me. Since then, it’s been finding someone that I can love, and feeling terrible guilt when that’s not someone who loves me back. Ideally, I would work on fixing myself outside of relationships and then my untangled brains and healthy emotions would be able to direct me to the right person. But given my past history, I’m not sure I can trust my instincts on that ever again. Also, I currently have no real conviction that this is fixable and there might not be a next time. It's a terrifying risk either way.
I can imagine what love feels like. I can imagine a good relationship. But this doesn't help me any more than imagining a million dollars. I think I'm generally empathetic and good at helping other people, even severely depressed people, with emotional issues. I seem able to comfort them but they can't find a way to comfort me. That's not their fault. It's just hard not to want someone to be my rock too.
Any thoughts? Books? Relationship counselling for individuals or other schools of therapy? Advice for self love (not the messy kind)? You can be stern if you want – I’m much too old to be this inept and clueless.
Oof. This is really, really tough. It sounds likes all of the typical answers (therapy, talk to your partner, split up) aren't really great options in your situation. Not that you shouldn't do one or all of those things, but it doesn't sound like any of those approaches have addressed this issue when you've tried them in the past.
With that, I think the absolute best thing you can do is to take a break from thinking. Stop thinking about whether this is love or isn't love. Stop dissecting your past relationships for clues as to how you ended up here. Stop thinking about what your next right "move" will be.
Start doing. The first week, do one nice thing for your partner and for yourself every day. Nice things could be: talking a walk (together or alone), cooking a nice meal, putting clean sheets on the bed, showing empathy and appreciation for your partner (e.g., you look nice today, is there anything I can do for you to make you happy?) volunteer, go out with friends, go out by yourself, buy him/you a nice small gift, initiate sex. You get the idea. These things don't need to be big, most will be really small. After you've gotten into the habit of doing one nice thing a day, for him and you, start doing two and then three. Do that for three months and see how you feel.
My hope for you is that after three months of doing love you will start feeling love. I know people here say it over and over again, but I think it is really important: in long-term relationships, love is an action not a feeling. Show your partner and yourself the love you want. (I apologize in advance for that cheesy last sentence.)
posted by scantee at 10:35 AM on October 16, 2015 [23 favorites]
With that, I think the absolute best thing you can do is to take a break from thinking. Stop thinking about whether this is love or isn't love. Stop dissecting your past relationships for clues as to how you ended up here. Stop thinking about what your next right "move" will be.
Start doing. The first week, do one nice thing for your partner and for yourself every day. Nice things could be: talking a walk (together or alone), cooking a nice meal, putting clean sheets on the bed, showing empathy and appreciation for your partner (e.g., you look nice today, is there anything I can do for you to make you happy?) volunteer, go out with friends, go out by yourself, buy him/you a nice small gift, initiate sex. You get the idea. These things don't need to be big, most will be really small. After you've gotten into the habit of doing one nice thing a day, for him and you, start doing two and then three. Do that for three months and see how you feel.
My hope for you is that after three months of doing love you will start feeling love. I know people here say it over and over again, but I think it is really important: in long-term relationships, love is an action not a feeling. Show your partner and yourself the love you want. (I apologize in advance for that cheesy last sentence.)
posted by scantee at 10:35 AM on October 16, 2015 [23 favorites]
I think "love" is not really a terribly useful concept. By love, I am imagining you mean something like, "I feel excited and get butterflies when I think of him. I cant wait to be around him. I am so happy and giddy having him." Or something. All that's tosh. That feeling lasts 3 months to a year and a half in any relationship. And you can't feel constant love 100% of the time anyway, your brain would overload and you'd never get anything done.
So, better criteria:
-share the same ethics
-same life goals
-can talk to him
-want to have sex with him
-feels pleasant to neutral being around each other
-can communicate
-feel like he attempts to "get me" listens and compromises
-gets along with my family
-do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person
Blah blah blah, those sorts of things. You get the idea. Chasing "love" is a bad idea anyway.
But I suspect you got into this relationship not for love, or for practical reasons like the above. I think you probably got into it as a refuge from bad shit in your life. This is not great because when you outgrow the bad shit you outgrow the reationship. In this category are 18 year olds who marry an older guy because they have no money and hate their family, two depressives who marry each other to find a reason to live, a woman who stays with a man because she needs a friend and to feel protected from strange men or her stalker ex or whatever, a man who stays with a woman so he can live in her apartment and not get a job, you get the idea. Codependency is a good word for it. That may be what's going on here.
posted by quincunx at 10:56 AM on October 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
So, better criteria:
-share the same ethics
-same life goals
-can talk to him
-want to have sex with him
-feels pleasant to neutral being around each other
-can communicate
-feel like he attempts to "get me" listens and compromises
-gets along with my family
-do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person
Blah blah blah, those sorts of things. You get the idea. Chasing "love" is a bad idea anyway.
But I suspect you got into this relationship not for love, or for practical reasons like the above. I think you probably got into it as a refuge from bad shit in your life. This is not great because when you outgrow the bad shit you outgrow the reationship. In this category are 18 year olds who marry an older guy because they have no money and hate their family, two depressives who marry each other to find a reason to live, a woman who stays with a man because she needs a friend and to feel protected from strange men or her stalker ex or whatever, a man who stays with a woman so he can live in her apartment and not get a job, you get the idea. Codependency is a good word for it. That may be what's going on here.
posted by quincunx at 10:56 AM on October 16, 2015 [19 favorites]
Feelings of love are just about nonexistent for me too. As a cis het woman in U.S. society that is not supposed to be the case. Entrenched sexist expectations are a real burden to people like us.
I have given up on pathologizing (and trying to find a fix for) that aspect of my life. Instead, I do loving things for myself and others. A Buddhist practice has also been very helpful.
Frankly, I would prefer to have people in my life who do what they say they will do as opposed to a partner who is continually at me with the words (and the unspoken expectations, and the grasping hand eternally out).
Your current partner is an adult. If he's unhappy with the relationship he's free to leave. If you want, you can try some loving actions as suggested above. But the persistent thought that you need fixing because you're not a fount of emotion is probably hurtful to you. BTW medications may not have anything to do with this.
Check out asexual/aromantic resources online. Also, check out George Bernard Shaw's thinking on the topic of love. You are NOT alone.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 11:04 AM on October 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
I have given up on pathologizing (and trying to find a fix for) that aspect of my life. Instead, I do loving things for myself and others. A Buddhist practice has also been very helpful.
Frankly, I would prefer to have people in my life who do what they say they will do as opposed to a partner who is continually at me with the words (and the unspoken expectations, and the grasping hand eternally out).
Your current partner is an adult. If he's unhappy with the relationship he's free to leave. If you want, you can try some loving actions as suggested above. But the persistent thought that you need fixing because you're not a fount of emotion is probably hurtful to you. BTW medications may not have anything to do with this.
Check out asexual/aromantic resources online. Also, check out George Bernard Shaw's thinking on the topic of love. You are NOT alone.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 11:04 AM on October 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
You've reduced your AD medication and are exhibiting signs of severe depression like hypersomnia, serious emotional disconnection, and hoarding. While by your own measures, the depression isn't super severe, I wouldn't necessarily trust that measure. It's very hard to monitor yourself when a mental health decline is gradual. We sort of get used to it until things are in absolute crisis mode. This is especially true if you've also had a very stressful year for other reasons.
Before making decisions about your relationship(s), I'd encourage you to talk to your therapist and prescribing psychiatrist to do a complete reevaluation of your treatment program. Once your depression is better managed, you may find that you are able to reconnect to your emotional life and things could start to look very different. Good luck.
posted by quince at 11:48 AM on October 16, 2015 [15 favorites]
Before making decisions about your relationship(s), I'd encourage you to talk to your therapist and prescribing psychiatrist to do a complete reevaluation of your treatment program. Once your depression is better managed, you may find that you are able to reconnect to your emotional life and things could start to look very different. Good luck.
posted by quince at 11:48 AM on October 16, 2015 [15 favorites]
Yeah, I used to think that romantic love and all-consuming tenderness for my family was the norm and I was somehow broken because I didn't have that. It took me a long time to realize that I'm not broken, that romantic love doesn't last and that all consuming tenderness that people believe is "love" for their family isn't always there. People fool themselves into thinking it is, but I've observed differently.
Don't get me wrong, my current husband and I are together until the day we die, but I'm not romantically in love with him. He knows that. But, if he needs me, I'm there for him. I can be angry with him without fear of him leaving me, and visa versa. He's there for me when I need him. We try our best to communicate our feelings to each other without fear of reprisal and we don't play head games with each other. We have something more than romantic love, we have trust. I trust him with everything, and visa versa. That's what I define as love.
My family and I aren't close. We never have been. Sometimes we don't talk for months... even years. But if any of my kids, siblings, or my siblings' kids called me at 2am and asked for my help, I would get out of bed and do everything in my power to help them. That's what I define as love. Not that overwhelming tenderness that other people think of when they talk about "love" for their family.
I think, perhaps, you should rethink your definition of "love", it might go a long way toward solving your dilemma.
As for loving yourself, that's a tough one. Depression makes that difficult because depression is the brain's way of bringing you into a chaotic black hole of self loathing. It's the brain working against your self esteem. It's difficult to love yourself when your own mind is actively working to bring you down. If you're not taking your AD medication, then you're helping your brain do this to you. I'd take quince's advice and go back to your therapist and rethink taking your meds at full dosage.
posted by patheral at 12:07 PM on October 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
Don't get me wrong, my current husband and I are together until the day we die, but I'm not romantically in love with him. He knows that. But, if he needs me, I'm there for him. I can be angry with him without fear of him leaving me, and visa versa. He's there for me when I need him. We try our best to communicate our feelings to each other without fear of reprisal and we don't play head games with each other. We have something more than romantic love, we have trust. I trust him with everything, and visa versa. That's what I define as love.
My family and I aren't close. We never have been. Sometimes we don't talk for months... even years. But if any of my kids, siblings, or my siblings' kids called me at 2am and asked for my help, I would get out of bed and do everything in my power to help them. That's what I define as love. Not that overwhelming tenderness that other people think of when they talk about "love" for their family.
I think, perhaps, you should rethink your definition of "love", it might go a long way toward solving your dilemma.
As for loving yourself, that's a tough one. Depression makes that difficult because depression is the brain's way of bringing you into a chaotic black hole of self loathing. It's the brain working against your self esteem. It's difficult to love yourself when your own mind is actively working to bring you down. If you're not taking your AD medication, then you're helping your brain do this to you. I'd take quince's advice and go back to your therapist and rethink taking your meds at full dosage.
posted by patheral at 12:07 PM on October 16, 2015 [6 favorites]
Consider checking out Al-Anon since your first partner was an addict. If you can get past the god-stuff, which I have been able to do but YMMV, it can be a really safe space that helps you learn to love yourself, establish healthy boundaries with others, etc. Sounds like you are facing lots of challenges. Hope you get the support and help that works best for you.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:00 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 2:00 PM on October 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you can learn to love, if we agree with quincunx about its main components (which I do).
Even though you suffer from depression, you've done such an excellent job describing the dynamics that have run through your relationships, and what I trust are the key contextual factors, past and present, that it surprises me that instead of seeing these relationships and events as actions, reactions, and processes, you have settled on the interpretation that there is a single problem, and that you're at the core of it, as a fixed and unchangeable entity. It doesn't seem that way to me.
It is certainly important that you review your treatment plan, no question.
Here is my brief restatement/interpretation of what you've described. You got burned out after that first relationship. The sometimes overwhelming passion that comes with first relationships is particular to youth, I agree, or that's been my experience. It's also been my experience that a relationship with someone who suffers from alcohol addiction and is abusive is invested with additional intensity. The pain of being misunderstood, the hope for your partner and for the relationship, the deep concern and sense of responsibility for them, the apparent intensity of bonding through and after all that trauma - it burns through your body, until you fall into indifference. (For me, it was by far the worst experience of my life. Awful and sad things that happened before and after it paled in comparison.)
Boyfriend 2, who I am guessing you liked because he seemed kinder and gentler than Boyfriend 1 (maybe you thought he could be good for you? You hoped you could develop feelings for him? This is so understandable, I hope you know that :/) was simply not a match, not an equal. But you made this choice in response to the aftermath of Boyfriend 1. It was not a *bad* choice, only an unfortunate one; you were still *learning* how to make sense of men and attraction, trying to be wise, privileging safety, maybe ignoring the need to connect and be understood by someone with a like mind. And whomp. Another one who needed caring from you, and played on guilt, and that relationship then wound up mirroring your first one. But this *wasn't your fault*. I wish the cost wasn't so great, but, you were learning, wrestling with your instincts (to be safe, to care for someone suffering).
Boyfriend 3 also sounds like a person who wasn't a match. This time he's the one doing the saving.
With your husband, again, attempts at saving, mutual this time, but with someone also poorly matched. Was this one partly another "safe" bet for you, after the intensity? What if your initial hesitation was not (only) depression, but part of a recognition, on some level, that this relationship wasn't an authentic connection? It sounds like you tried to talk yourself into it, but you knew all the time, your feelings were with someone else.
It does sound like there are attachment issues at play. Strong feelings for people you fear are bad for you, or who may actually be bad for you, and then talking yourself into being with "safe" people with whom you don't, actually, have enough in common to love them. I don't know if attachment therapy exists for adults (I've heard of it for kids :/), but I agree it's worth looking into, and reading all you can about it.
I also think you should work hard to *listen* to what your gut is telling you about people, and try really hard to be honest with yourself about your feelings, and not talk yourself into affections that seem "safe", on the face of it, but really aren't. And to not try to save people or look to them to be saved.
I don't know what to suggest about your marriage, but I do think that a period of living alone could do *you* some good. For one thing, it would take you out of the loop of having to respond and care for someone else, or of talking yourself into affection. You could have a tranquil environment at home, and time to understand yourself a bit better, and to create your own safe space for yourself. And to find ways to honour your need for self-expression and *genuine connection* with other people, even if they're not romantic relationships. It's *ok* for you to want to be stimulated in a relationship. Does feeling stimulated by someone necessarily mean that person is dangerous or to be avoided? I don't think it has to. I do think it involves doing some double checking, and I think learning to create safety for yourself will help. But I think ignoring your wish to feel connected and authentic is not the way to go. The safe bet is not always the safe bet. And maybe there will be less of a need to save people if you can make things safe for yourself.
I think your current lack of feeling for family anyone at all is probably related to your depression.
Best of luck, and take care of yourself.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:07 PM on October 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
Even though you suffer from depression, you've done such an excellent job describing the dynamics that have run through your relationships, and what I trust are the key contextual factors, past and present, that it surprises me that instead of seeing these relationships and events as actions, reactions, and processes, you have settled on the interpretation that there is a single problem, and that you're at the core of it, as a fixed and unchangeable entity. It doesn't seem that way to me.
It is certainly important that you review your treatment plan, no question.
Here is my brief restatement/interpretation of what you've described. You got burned out after that first relationship. The sometimes overwhelming passion that comes with first relationships is particular to youth, I agree, or that's been my experience. It's also been my experience that a relationship with someone who suffers from alcohol addiction and is abusive is invested with additional intensity. The pain of being misunderstood, the hope for your partner and for the relationship, the deep concern and sense of responsibility for them, the apparent intensity of bonding through and after all that trauma - it burns through your body, until you fall into indifference. (For me, it was by far the worst experience of my life. Awful and sad things that happened before and after it paled in comparison.)
Boyfriend 2, who I am guessing you liked because he seemed kinder and gentler than Boyfriend 1 (maybe you thought he could be good for you? You hoped you could develop feelings for him? This is so understandable, I hope you know that :/) was simply not a match, not an equal. But you made this choice in response to the aftermath of Boyfriend 1. It was not a *bad* choice, only an unfortunate one; you were still *learning* how to make sense of men and attraction, trying to be wise, privileging safety, maybe ignoring the need to connect and be understood by someone with a like mind. And whomp. Another one who needed caring from you, and played on guilt, and that relationship then wound up mirroring your first one. But this *wasn't your fault*. I wish the cost wasn't so great, but, you were learning, wrestling with your instincts (to be safe, to care for someone suffering).
Boyfriend 3 also sounds like a person who wasn't a match. This time he's the one doing the saving.
With your husband, again, attempts at saving, mutual this time, but with someone also poorly matched. Was this one partly another "safe" bet for you, after the intensity? What if your initial hesitation was not (only) depression, but part of a recognition, on some level, that this relationship wasn't an authentic connection? It sounds like you tried to talk yourself into it, but you knew all the time, your feelings were with someone else.
It does sound like there are attachment issues at play. Strong feelings for people you fear are bad for you, or who may actually be bad for you, and then talking yourself into being with "safe" people with whom you don't, actually, have enough in common to love them. I don't know if attachment therapy exists for adults (I've heard of it for kids :/), but I agree it's worth looking into, and reading all you can about it.
I also think you should work hard to *listen* to what your gut is telling you about people, and try really hard to be honest with yourself about your feelings, and not talk yourself into affections that seem "safe", on the face of it, but really aren't. And to not try to save people or look to them to be saved.
I don't know what to suggest about your marriage, but I do think that a period of living alone could do *you* some good. For one thing, it would take you out of the loop of having to respond and care for someone else, or of talking yourself into affection. You could have a tranquil environment at home, and time to understand yourself a bit better, and to create your own safe space for yourself. And to find ways to honour your need for self-expression and *genuine connection* with other people, even if they're not romantic relationships. It's *ok* for you to want to be stimulated in a relationship. Does feeling stimulated by someone necessarily mean that person is dangerous or to be avoided? I don't think it has to. I do think it involves doing some double checking, and I think learning to create safety for yourself will help. But I think ignoring your wish to feel connected and authentic is not the way to go. The safe bet is not always the safe bet. And maybe there will be less of a need to save people if you can make things safe for yourself.
I think your current lack of feeling for family anyone at all is probably related to your depression.
Best of luck, and take care of yourself.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:07 PM on October 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
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It's also important to clarify whether you're having attachment-specific problems or if this is anhedonia or what. Because if you can't feel good no matter what you do, your problem isn't relationships at all, and if you don't feel connected to your parents or your siblings or your coworkers or anyone, then your problem isn't particularly about intimate relationships.
Emotional blunting from medications is supposed to mess with all the emotions (up and down, external and internal, trivial and significant) from what I remember. So if Bugs Bunny is hilarious and What Dreams May Come makes you cry but you don't care about your boyfriend, that's (probably) not from the meds.
It might help to do some exploration of what you do feel about your partner, by the way. Just write down words that come to mind when you think about him. You may find that you admire him, find him interesting, think he's hot, want to spend time with him, but can't quite use the word "love" because there's some other thing going on.
Oh, also, it's likely that you'll never again feel exactly the same way as you did in your early 20s. Your brain has changed a lot since then (it was in the middle of huge changes as the time,) and you almost certainly were a good deal more intense and impulsive than you are now. Trying to find the thing you had when you were 21 is why we have stereotypes about men in their 40s buying stupid cars.
posted by SMPA at 10:27 AM on October 16, 2015 [16 favorites]