How do we decide whether to move back?
January 6, 2016 8:08 PM Subscribe
Two Canadians, living in Australia for the last several years. We've built a good life here, but are constantly homesick. We both go through periods of wanting to move back, but hesitate as soon as we need to make an actual decision. Have you been through this? We need your guidance.
He (30) works for a tiny startup, and (in theory) could work from anywhere in the world.
I (29) work for a slightly bigger tech company, and have been unhappy there for several months, but our staying here depends on my work visa. Because of paperwork issues, permanent residency is about one year away, and is very expensive.
We're trying to decide whether to stay in the city we love (Melbourne), or move back to a Canadian city (Montreal is home, but we'd love to try Vancouver or Victoria).
A big part of the hesitation is based on work: I've built a strong network here, and I have a difficult time picturing what I could do in another city. The idea of starting over is exhausting.
I'm also struggling with anxiety these days, so I feel especially vulnerable and am having a very hard time making a decision.
Have you made a big cross-world move, then gone back, or decided to stay? How did you decide? What are some resources that might help us?
He (30) works for a tiny startup, and (in theory) could work from anywhere in the world.
I (29) work for a slightly bigger tech company, and have been unhappy there for several months, but our staying here depends on my work visa. Because of paperwork issues, permanent residency is about one year away, and is very expensive.
We're trying to decide whether to stay in the city we love (Melbourne), or move back to a Canadian city (Montreal is home, but we'd love to try Vancouver or Victoria).
A big part of the hesitation is based on work: I've built a strong network here, and I have a difficult time picturing what I could do in another city. The idea of starting over is exhausting.
I'm also struggling with anxiety these days, so I feel especially vulnerable and am having a very hard time making a decision.
Have you made a big cross-world move, then gone back, or decided to stay? How did you decide? What are some resources that might help us?
Best answer: I've lived cross-continentally a few times in my life, and as bluedaisy says, when you have done this kind of thing, you often feel the itch to move again. International relationships often form with those of us who are slightly restless in nature anyway, outward-facing types of folks. This is especially true when you are experiencing areas of distress or discomfort where you are, with how you feel in yourself. The inclination is to cling to the homesickness as the driver of your distress, rather than delve into other parts of you that naturally drift towards restlessness.
The thing I have learned in the last few years is that you always take yourself with you, wherever you go. My restlessness and homesickness is an inside job. Take the time to sit with your feelings of anxiety and vulnerability. What is that all about?
eg, you are at a stereotypical age and in a normative situation for considering the possibility of nesting and having a family - for me, at 29 cluckiness was a big motivator. I was longing for my home country, and my People so I could nest and have a family.
I don't regret coming home, but I REALLY WISH I hadn't prematurely left Europe before gaining PR status. I'd really encourage you to stick it out, it gives you options ahead. I say this with the benefit of hindsight of being where you are now: a year is doable!
In my marriage, we dealt with restlessness by taking more extended trips in various seasons to the place we yearned for. Six weeks here and there over a few years helped us realise that we didn't want to live in Europe again. It's still accessible but life is so much easier in Australia. We had networks and a good life. We had the means to travel there, and enjoy both places. If your partner can work remote, and you can try to handle the one year wait for PR status, maybe you make some plans to take a longer trip. Rent a place for a month in Vancouver or wherever you'd like to try in Canada. Doing the planning, researching places to live etc can help fill the time and at least make you feel you have some options ahead.
Possibly this wouldn't work for you, but when my former partner and I went through these homesick feelings, we would use our Couchsurfing or AirBnB life to have people from that part of the world come stay with us. For us, seeing our new home through their eyes and hearing about some of its advantages over old home, helped put our life into perspective. If that is not your thing, how amenable are your people in Montreal to coming to Australia for a visit?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:14 PM on January 6, 2016 [13 favorites]
The thing I have learned in the last few years is that you always take yourself with you, wherever you go. My restlessness and homesickness is an inside job. Take the time to sit with your feelings of anxiety and vulnerability. What is that all about?
eg, you are at a stereotypical age and in a normative situation for considering the possibility of nesting and having a family - for me, at 29 cluckiness was a big motivator. I was longing for my home country, and my People so I could nest and have a family.
I don't regret coming home, but I REALLY WISH I hadn't prematurely left Europe before gaining PR status. I'd really encourage you to stick it out, it gives you options ahead. I say this with the benefit of hindsight of being where you are now: a year is doable!
In my marriage, we dealt with restlessness by taking more extended trips in various seasons to the place we yearned for. Six weeks here and there over a few years helped us realise that we didn't want to live in Europe again. It's still accessible but life is so much easier in Australia. We had networks and a good life. We had the means to travel there, and enjoy both places. If your partner can work remote, and you can try to handle the one year wait for PR status, maybe you make some plans to take a longer trip. Rent a place for a month in Vancouver or wherever you'd like to try in Canada. Doing the planning, researching places to live etc can help fill the time and at least make you feel you have some options ahead.
Possibly this wouldn't work for you, but when my former partner and I went through these homesick feelings, we would use our Couchsurfing or AirBnB life to have people from that part of the world come stay with us. For us, seeing our new home through their eyes and hearing about some of its advantages over old home, helped put our life into perspective. If that is not your thing, how amenable are your people in Montreal to coming to Australia for a visit?
posted by honey-barbara at 10:14 PM on January 6, 2016 [13 favorites]
We made a pros/cons list, assigning a weight to each entry (weighting based on emotional/importance/cost considerations), and used that to help us figure out which option was truly best for the both of us. Helped with the big picture.
Every time I've moved cities/countries, I had a job arranged ahead of time, and they helped with the relocation costs. Fair warning - the Canadian dollar has tanked, 71 cents USD today... companies might not be so generous with that right now.
But why don't you start looking for another job in Melbourne now, and see if you can find something you like better? You could always take some leave from work and plan on a month-long vacation in Canada if you wanted to test the waters of coming back home at some point.
posted by lizbunny at 10:17 PM on January 6, 2016
Every time I've moved cities/countries, I had a job arranged ahead of time, and they helped with the relocation costs. Fair warning - the Canadian dollar has tanked, 71 cents USD today... companies might not be so generous with that right now.
But why don't you start looking for another job in Melbourne now, and see if you can find something you like better? You could always take some leave from work and plan on a month-long vacation in Canada if you wanted to test the waters of coming back home at some point.
posted by lizbunny at 10:17 PM on January 6, 2016
Come back to Canada. Stephen Harper is history.
posted by zadcat at 10:25 PM on January 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 10:25 PM on January 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
I lived in Europe for four years and then decided, in 2014, to move back. During my four years away, I had been home for a handful of extended visits; however, when I decided to move back permanently, it was a very different and quite painful experience. I spent a lot of my first four months crying and missing what I had come to think of as 'home,' as well as making all sorts of contingency plans for moving back to Europe.
One of the main reasons that I moved back though was that even after those four years in Europe, I never really shook that sense of foreignness I felt while living abroad (which I suppose was initially part of the draw for moving), but which felt increasingly alienating the longer I stayed. My parents are also getting older, and I wanted to be closer to them.
Now I live in a small city that is still a several hour plane ride away from my family and where I grew up, which may have also been one of the reasons that readjusting was so difficult. But overall, I'm happy now, just over a year later to have moved. Looking back on the whole experience, there was really no way to know whether or not I was making the best decision when I moved.
posted by twill at 10:34 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
One of the main reasons that I moved back though was that even after those four years in Europe, I never really shook that sense of foreignness I felt while living abroad (which I suppose was initially part of the draw for moving), but which felt increasingly alienating the longer I stayed. My parents are also getting older, and I wanted to be closer to them.
Now I live in a small city that is still a several hour plane ride away from my family and where I grew up, which may have also been one of the reasons that readjusting was so difficult. But overall, I'm happy now, just over a year later to have moved. Looking back on the whole experience, there was really no way to know whether or not I was making the best decision when I moved.
posted by twill at 10:34 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
I would not contemplate actually making this decision until you have your permanent residency.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:46 PM on January 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 10:46 PM on January 6, 2016 [10 favorites]
I would not contemplate actually making this decision until you have your permanent residency.
Yep, unless this is something that is going to take many many years to complete, or you can't maintain it easily if you move away after getting it, I'd stick it out. I got my Canadian citizenship this year, and after applying they've doubled the residency requirements and generally made things much much harder. It's often really worth having the extra options, who knows what you'll want to do a few years down the line? If you're unsure it's probably worth checking out immigration forums, or, if you've got enough spare cash, talking to an immigration lawyer.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:22 PM on January 6, 2016
Yep, unless this is something that is going to take many many years to complete, or you can't maintain it easily if you move away after getting it, I'd stick it out. I got my Canadian citizenship this year, and after applying they've doubled the residency requirements and generally made things much much harder. It's often really worth having the extra options, who knows what you'll want to do a few years down the line? If you're unsure it's probably worth checking out immigration forums, or, if you've got enough spare cash, talking to an immigration lawyer.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:22 PM on January 6, 2016
It takes a lot of years for a place to really feel like home (i.e. it feels easier to stay than to go back). In my experience, the older you get, the harder it is to make a move. It's more difficult to make new friends and more challenging to adjust to a new culture. (I moved from Melbourne to the UK, where I lived for nearly 20 years before emigrating to the US. I've been here a couple of years now and while I love it, it still doesn't feel like "home" yet. I'm older than you guys though!)
Also, places and cultures change. If I moved back to Melbourne now, it wouldn't be how I remembered it. It would be great (it's an awesome city and I have wonderful friends and family there who I miss every day), but it would be like emigrating again. So much has changed. I know that it wouldn't feel like "home" again for a long time.
Comparing the friends who moved back and the friends who stayed overseas, the difference is often having kids or elderly parents who needed support, and the desire to be closer to family is often what prompted a move back. So if that's something that may be a part of your future in the next few years, factor that in.
Not liking your job is not a reason to move countries. It is a reason to change jobs (unless that particular job is linked to your visa, in which case, the question becomes whether you can stick it out until you get permanent residency and can get another job, and only you can answer that).
My final contribution - the decision you make right now doesn't have to be a forever decision. Maybe set a time every 6 months to review? Good luck! (And say hi to Melbourne for me...)
posted by finding.perdita at 11:42 PM on January 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Also, places and cultures change. If I moved back to Melbourne now, it wouldn't be how I remembered it. It would be great (it's an awesome city and I have wonderful friends and family there who I miss every day), but it would be like emigrating again. So much has changed. I know that it wouldn't feel like "home" again for a long time.
Comparing the friends who moved back and the friends who stayed overseas, the difference is often having kids or elderly parents who needed support, and the desire to be closer to family is often what prompted a move back. So if that's something that may be a part of your future in the next few years, factor that in.
Not liking your job is not a reason to move countries. It is a reason to change jobs (unless that particular job is linked to your visa, in which case, the question becomes whether you can stick it out until you get permanent residency and can get another job, and only you can answer that).
My final contribution - the decision you make right now doesn't have to be a forever decision. Maybe set a time every 6 months to review? Good luck! (And say hi to Melbourne for me...)
posted by finding.perdita at 11:42 PM on January 6, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for the kind, thoughtful answers so far. To clarify one thing: this specific job is linked to my visa, so part of the decision is whether I can stick it out for a year until we get PR, then potentially citizenship.
You're giving us a lot to think about, thank you.
posted by third word on a random page at 11:47 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
You're giving us a lot to think about, thank you.
posted by third word on a random page at 11:47 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]
There's also nothing to say that you can't find another job that will sponsor you. If you're very unhappy with this company, maybe you can feel out your options.
posted by nerdfish at 2:00 AM on January 7, 2016
posted by nerdfish at 2:00 AM on January 7, 2016
Best answer: I have also lived on both sides of the Atlantic. After nearly four years in Europe, I moved back to the U.S. I wasn't exactly homesick, I adored the life I'd built, but I felt that sense of rootlessness. No real anchor. I had this anxious feeling that if I didn't go back right then, it would only get harder and harder to ever return. And if I was to become an expat-for-life, I wanted it to be by conscious choice, and not because I'd thoughtlessly stayed away too long and came to belong nowhere. I was also single and had the nesting bug and felt I just needed to find a nice American dude and settle down already.
Around the time I was preparing to move back to the US, a (Canadian!) friend's father told me: "You know, my daughter went through this moment too. I remember one day after she moved back she just dropped onto the pavement sobbing because she was so homesick for [european city]. But she had to come back to Canada to know that. You have to go home now, because then you'll find out if it's still home. I'm guessing you'll be back." He was exactly right. I lasted about 10 months in the U.S. I spent time with family, I dated nice American dudes, but I found myself painfully yearning for international airport terminals. And since returning to Europe I haven't felt a twinge of ambivalence. I'm glad I tried going back. And I'm sure I'll move back to the U.S. eventually, but for now, here's home.
(And if I'd skipped that whole 10-months-in-the-US thing I'd have permanent residency by now, which as everyone says would be a very excellent thing if you can stick it out. But oh well, peace of mind and all that.)
posted by oneaday at 7:04 AM on January 7, 2016
Around the time I was preparing to move back to the US, a (Canadian!) friend's father told me: "You know, my daughter went through this moment too. I remember one day after she moved back she just dropped onto the pavement sobbing because she was so homesick for [european city]. But she had to come back to Canada to know that. You have to go home now, because then you'll find out if it's still home. I'm guessing you'll be back." He was exactly right. I lasted about 10 months in the U.S. I spent time with family, I dated nice American dudes, but I found myself painfully yearning for international airport terminals. And since returning to Europe I haven't felt a twinge of ambivalence. I'm glad I tried going back. And I'm sure I'll move back to the U.S. eventually, but for now, here's home.
(And if I'd skipped that whole 10-months-in-the-US thing I'd have permanent residency by now, which as everyone says would be a very excellent thing if you can stick it out. But oh well, peace of mind and all that.)
posted by oneaday at 7:04 AM on January 7, 2016
I lived in Europe for 8 years, became a dual citizen, and fled back to the US and my old city. Glad to have that other passport. Happy to have EU options. Thrilled to be home. I was like a goldfish on the sidewalk. Once I got back into my element, everything was easier. Clearly, it just depends and varies by individual. Nthing sticking it out to get residency if you possibly can.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:12 AM on January 7, 2016
posted by Bella Donna at 10:12 AM on January 7, 2016
I lived in Australia for a year, but I'm originally from the UK and now I live in Canada and have been here for the last 7 years.
One thing I did find about Australia was that it does feel quite isolating in many ways. The time difference is extreme. It can be hard to reconnect with people back home because it's always just a little bit too early or too late to call.
It also really is MILES away from everyone. Flights anywhere are extraordinarily long and arduous - inexplicable for my mum to ever consider.
Now I'm only 9 hours away by flight, the time difference is only 8 hours and it just makes communication so much easier and hence, I'm not as homesick anymore.
posted by JenThePro at 2:13 PM on January 7, 2016
One thing I did find about Australia was that it does feel quite isolating in many ways. The time difference is extreme. It can be hard to reconnect with people back home because it's always just a little bit too early or too late to call.
It also really is MILES away from everyone. Flights anywhere are extraordinarily long and arduous - inexplicable for my mum to ever consider.
Now I'm only 9 hours away by flight, the time difference is only 8 hours and it just makes communication so much easier and hence, I'm not as homesick anymore.
posted by JenThePro at 2:13 PM on January 7, 2016
I moved from the UK to the US in 2009. I have been here for 6.5 years now. I went through some really tough times and each time I really wanted to go home to have the support of my family. I wasn't a citizen yet and I knew that if I went home, I would never be able to come back. I am applying for citizenship and after that, I'll always have the option to come back if I do go 'home'. But my home is here and now I can't imagine going back. When I do go home it really drives home how much it's not the right place for me anymore.
I absolutely agree with those who say, go back to visit as regularly as you can, that will be the closest you can get to an answer. If you can't wait to go back to Australia then you know it's home. If you don't want to leave Canada, you know it's home.
But I really would wait until you're able to move back to Australia easily, I don't know if you can as a PR or if you need to be a citizen.
posted by shesbenevolent at 6:42 AM on January 8, 2016
I absolutely agree with those who say, go back to visit as regularly as you can, that will be the closest you can get to an answer. If you can't wait to go back to Australia then you know it's home. If you don't want to leave Canada, you know it's home.
But I really would wait until you're able to move back to Australia easily, I don't know if you can as a PR or if you need to be a citizen.
posted by shesbenevolent at 6:42 AM on January 8, 2016
Best answer: We are US transplants to Australia and spent big $$ to get our permanent residency last year. It felt a little chance-y, given that I'm not 100% certain I want to stay in Australia forever, but it's the only way to break free of the restrictions of the 457 visa, and once you have PR, you have so many more options. JenThePro nails it on the isolation of Australia. I think this does exacerbate the feelings of homesickness and disconnection with family and friends abroad. When we lived in London, it didn't seem quite so bad. But having said that, like Lizbunny, we felt that there were some good economic reasons to stay in Australia, despite feeling emotionally unsure about it at times. The job opportunities (at least in my field) seem better in Australia, and there are so many things culturally we feel are better, and on the whole, we have a better lifestyle than we could have anywhere in the US.
I've been having to spend more time stateside in recent years due to family issues, and it's made me realise that while I don't always feel truly at home in Australia, I also don't feel at home in America anymore either. If you are really wondering about this, save up your annual leave and spend a month back home. Not just as tourists, but staying in a few cities to re-acquaint yourself with what living there means: where would you live and work, what would your lifestyle be like? Is it the way you remember it? How does it stack up to life in Melbourne?
Meanwhile, if you've only got a year to go before you are eligible for PR, I'd lean towards hanging in there. There's so many options when you have two countries you can freely move between. We felt like this was a nice bit of investment in keeping options open for the future. It's quite possible that changing jobs to something you like more will change your attitude overall about living in Australia. And having PR will allow you to find the job you want.
posted by amusebuche at 10:04 AM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
I've been having to spend more time stateside in recent years due to family issues, and it's made me realise that while I don't always feel truly at home in Australia, I also don't feel at home in America anymore either. If you are really wondering about this, save up your annual leave and spend a month back home. Not just as tourists, but staying in a few cities to re-acquaint yourself with what living there means: where would you live and work, what would your lifestyle be like? Is it the way you remember it? How does it stack up to life in Melbourne?
Meanwhile, if you've only got a year to go before you are eligible for PR, I'd lean towards hanging in there. There's so many options when you have two countries you can freely move between. We felt like this was a nice bit of investment in keeping options open for the future. It's quite possible that changing jobs to something you like more will change your attitude overall about living in Australia. And having PR will allow you to find the job you want.
posted by amusebuche at 10:04 AM on January 8, 2016 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, you miss Canada or specifically Montral? (Or more likely a little if both?) Because Vancouver would still be a long way from Montreal.
Also, after 10 years, could you manage the winters again?
I lived overseas just a couple of years and then came back to the US. Like a lot of former expats, I got the itch to go back abroad very soon. I suspect if you go back to Canada, you'll want to leave again soon -- though that's not a problem necessarily.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:15 PM on January 6, 2016 [1 favorite]