What is the etiquette for ending a long-term friendship?
November 3, 2015 7:00 AM Subscribe
I hate the idea of the slow fade & treasure this person but feel drained by its one-sidedness. What to do?
We have been friends for a decade and were each others rock for a long time. I believe he still considers me to be this role for him from time to time and we had specific commonalities that connected us to each other. Instead of growing apart, I feel like our interests have converged more over time. But the truth is I have grown disheartened by what I regard as the friendship slow death. They dropped off the face of the planet for two years and were very apologetic when they re-emerged. At one point, shortly before this happened, they confided their sadness at their inability to stay in touch with friends as well as regret expressed for letting friendships slide. They do not use social media and honestly I find myself worried by the radio silence sometimes.
Once they made the effort to get back in touch, we would talk for several weeks at a time and then they would disappear again for several months. At one point it reached five months and I thought - what if I had never contacted you again? But I've noticed a general pattern - I contact them after a long period of silence and they say "Oh I was meaning to contact you!" and then they express great interest in my life before dropping off the planet again.
When we last met in person, they check their watch after "one and a half hours" and said they had things to be getting on with. I was discouraged by this and yet when I reached out to talk weeks later they were really keen. What I annoyed me about this was it was the one time we met all year and he spent all his time talking about things he was unhappy about it - having a bit of a quarter-life crisis it seemed. Although on the phone he said he wanted to hear about my life, in person he did not ask me about my life. I tried reaching out with a text and an email months ago when he asked me to, but both were ignored.
I've realised that this person is not going to be the lifelong friend I thought they would be - to have this person drop to acquaintance level after having such an intense friendship for so long is something I'm struggling to bear. This is nothing to do with not having other friends - I do have other strong friendships, it's just that this one was a kindred spirit and now I feel like they don't really want me in their life without explicitly saying so. Either that, or they want to retain the friendship on some level with minimal to zero effort on their part.
I do not expect to hear from or see friends all the time, but once a year when we live an hour apart and almost zero communication is not enough for me. I dread the next time he suddenly pops up, rather than looking forward to it. So, how do you handle things as painlessly as possible while letting them that know what a valuable role they have played in your life?
We have been friends for a decade and were each others rock for a long time. I believe he still considers me to be this role for him from time to time and we had specific commonalities that connected us to each other. Instead of growing apart, I feel like our interests have converged more over time. But the truth is I have grown disheartened by what I regard as the friendship slow death. They dropped off the face of the planet for two years and were very apologetic when they re-emerged. At one point, shortly before this happened, they confided their sadness at their inability to stay in touch with friends as well as regret expressed for letting friendships slide. They do not use social media and honestly I find myself worried by the radio silence sometimes.
Once they made the effort to get back in touch, we would talk for several weeks at a time and then they would disappear again for several months. At one point it reached five months and I thought - what if I had never contacted you again? But I've noticed a general pattern - I contact them after a long period of silence and they say "Oh I was meaning to contact you!" and then they express great interest in my life before dropping off the planet again.
When we last met in person, they check their watch after "one and a half hours" and said they had things to be getting on with. I was discouraged by this and yet when I reached out to talk weeks later they were really keen. What I annoyed me about this was it was the one time we met all year and he spent all his time talking about things he was unhappy about it - having a bit of a quarter-life crisis it seemed. Although on the phone he said he wanted to hear about my life, in person he did not ask me about my life. I tried reaching out with a text and an email months ago when he asked me to, but both were ignored.
I've realised that this person is not going to be the lifelong friend I thought they would be - to have this person drop to acquaintance level after having such an intense friendship for so long is something I'm struggling to bear. This is nothing to do with not having other friends - I do have other strong friendships, it's just that this one was a kindred spirit and now I feel like they don't really want me in their life without explicitly saying so. Either that, or they want to retain the friendship on some level with minimal to zero effort on their part.
I do not expect to hear from or see friends all the time, but once a year when we live an hour apart and almost zero communication is not enough for me. I dread the next time he suddenly pops up, rather than looking forward to it. So, how do you handle things as painlessly as possible while letting them that know what a valuable role they have played in your life?
You don't need to 'end it' as such. It's already fading out, and you need only escort that process. Don't reach out yourself. The next time he pops up, you can be 'busy' (but politely so), and once or twice of that happening, and he won't pop up anymore.
It does suck, though. Friendships come and go in waves, but even so it's never nice to lose one.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:25 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
It does suck, though. Friendships come and go in waves, but even so it's never nice to lose one.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:25 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: The thing is I know he can be introverted sometimes and doesn't confide in people generally. The fact he confided in me made me think I must be an important friend (!). Last year he said he felt a great deal of admiration for me and a few months ago he talked about things "we" should do they never materialised. The only other thing is he said he was jealous of things I was doing with my life that he wants to do and yet has got bogged down with other things.
If he does reappear and I don't particularly want to talk but still like him and want to be respectful - how do I handle it?. Isn't it passive aggressive to be "busy' rather than honest?
posted by Kat_Dubs at 7:28 AM on November 3, 2015
If he does reappear and I don't particularly want to talk but still like him and want to be respectful - how do I handle it?. Isn't it passive aggressive to be "busy' rather than honest?
posted by Kat_Dubs at 7:28 AM on November 3, 2015
Best answer: There are a lot of different types of friendships out there. It's possible that your friend's behavior means what you think it does, that you're no longer special to him, but honestly there are a lot of people who I would consider myself very close to, but who I only talk to a few times a year. And as a shy and introverted 20something I was even worse at keeping in touch with my close friends than I am now. So just because he doesn't contact you, or doesn't contact you often, or is awkward when you do see each other doesn't mean he doesn't consider you a close friend.
So, what should you do if/when he contacts you? If, in that moment, you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you don't, don't. You know? But if you haven't already done so, it might also be worth reaching out and saying, "Hey, I miss you. Our friendship was special to me and I feel like it is almost gone. I would love to see you and hear from you more." You aren't *required* to say that. It's not your responsibility to say that. And saying it is really putting yourself out there: if he doesn't respond to that (either because he doesn't really care anymore or because he feels guilty) it's going to hurt. But it might be a worthwhile heroic measure to try to save the relationship.
posted by mskyle at 7:48 AM on November 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
So, what should you do if/when he contacts you? If, in that moment, you want to talk to him, talk to him. If you don't, don't. You know? But if you haven't already done so, it might also be worth reaching out and saying, "Hey, I miss you. Our friendship was special to me and I feel like it is almost gone. I would love to see you and hear from you more." You aren't *required* to say that. It's not your responsibility to say that. And saying it is really putting yourself out there: if he doesn't respond to that (either because he doesn't really care anymore or because he feels guilty) it's going to hurt. But it might be a worthwhile heroic measure to try to save the relationship.
posted by mskyle at 7:48 AM on November 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think that it's important for you to answer this question in your own head: what do you hope to get from sending him a friendship break up letter if/when he next gets in touch with you? Are you hoping that he'll apologize and promise to do better? Be honest with yourself about this. Is what you're hoping for likely?
It hurts, I know, but if what you want is to kill the friendship, the only drama-free way to do it is to be "busy" when he asks to get together. It's not passive-aggressive, it's protecting yourself.
posted by AmandaA at 7:49 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
It hurts, I know, but if what you want is to kill the friendship, the only drama-free way to do it is to be "busy" when he asks to get together. It's not passive-aggressive, it's protecting yourself.
posted by AmandaA at 7:49 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think it would be worth a shot to try having an honest discussion when he calls next. Something like, "Friend, it's nice to hear from you, I really enjoy hanging out and talking to to you, but I have to say that I am often confused and a little bit hurt because I feel like you are sending me mixed messages about our friendship. Can we get together and talk this out? " As an introvert myself I suppose I probably do a bit of the same thing that this guy does. I can be thinking a lot about someone but just not have the energy or the time to contact the them. Often I know I need to contact someone because it's been awhile and that's when someone else in my life will have a crisis or a birthday or some other event that completely drains me, then the original friend who I needed and wanted to contact gets put on hold. If that goes on too long I get embarrassed and the story in my head goes, "Well they must hate me by now since I've neglected contacting them for SO long. There's no point in reaching out I guess." Of course if I hear from them I'm grateful and relieved that they hadn't given up on me.
That's the kind of thing that honest discussion is great at clearing up. I know that if someone expressed their genuine needs and also genuine interest in keeping the relationship it would help me to quiet the rejection story when it started to run in my head.
Does your friend text? Maybe you can request a text or two if he is busy or out of contact in other ways for a long time. Text is great for busy, tired people. Another problem I run into is I HATE when strangers can hear my phone conversation so it limits my opportunities to call people, but I can text from any where.
Texts are great for letting people know you are thinking of them without using up all your time and energy on a visit or phone conversation.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:51 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
That's the kind of thing that honest discussion is great at clearing up. I know that if someone expressed their genuine needs and also genuine interest in keeping the relationship it would help me to quiet the rejection story when it started to run in my head.
Does your friend text? Maybe you can request a text or two if he is busy or out of contact in other ways for a long time. Text is great for busy, tired people. Another problem I run into is I HATE when strangers can hear my phone conversation so it limits my opportunities to call people, but I can text from any where.
Texts are great for letting people know you are thinking of them without using up all your time and energy on a visit or phone conversation.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:51 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
this isn't a reason to continue the friendship if you don't want to, but from your description it seems like your friend is struggling with depression/anxiety, not that he's just a grumpy flake.
posted by nadawi at 7:56 AM on November 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 7:56 AM on November 3, 2015 [24 favorites]
Alternatively it's possible that your friend is both depressed/anxious and doesn't want to participate in your relationship anymore, and can't deal with putting in the effort.
A way to handle this painlessly is to not contact them again, and not respond at all if they do contact you. It sounds harsh, but it's a valid option. With someone like this who flits in and out of your life, I'm not sure if it's worth it to try to get them to have a Come To Jesus talk with you about their involvement in the relationship. From personal and recent experience, I can tell you that trying to do that and getting radio silence in response will make you feel even worse.
Not all friendships are worth resurrecting, even those you feel should stand the test of time.
posted by blerghamot at 7:58 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
A way to handle this painlessly is to not contact them again, and not respond at all if they do contact you. It sounds harsh, but it's a valid option. With someone like this who flits in and out of your life, I'm not sure if it's worth it to try to get them to have a Come To Jesus talk with you about their involvement in the relationship. From personal and recent experience, I can tell you that trying to do that and getting radio silence in response will make you feel even worse.
Not all friendships are worth resurrecting, even those you feel should stand the test of time.
posted by blerghamot at 7:58 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
This is happening to me. A friend I was neighbours and best friends with since I was 12, we now live in a major city in another country and I have only seen her twice this year despite me constantly asking her to hang out. She never invites me with her friends but I always try to include her. Last week was the last straw. We agreed two weeks ago to do something last Wednesday, she went radio silence. Then she agreed to come to a party on Saturday and she didn't cancel on that either. I am not sure what to do as it hurts a lot, but I will do what blerghampt suggested which is to just ignore her because most likely she will fade on me again. These friendships are strange, and painful. I hope it works out for you, but I think it is best to distance yourself from him because he doesn't value you.
posted by akita at 8:13 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by akita at 8:13 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have a friend who is something like this. We've been friends for over a decade, and I will always consider him my friend. But we go through long stretches of time when we're not in touch.
I don't think this has anything to do with me. There have been periods of emotional intensity, and periods where we're not in touch at all, and this mostly seems to have something to do with his life situation and mental health rather than anything intrinsic to me or our relationship. If I'm frank with myself, the hustle and bustle of my own life also has an impact. I know that our friendship has been hard for him sometimes because he's struggled in certain areas (creatively, romantically) while I haven't. But things are looking up for him lately, and I'm so happy to share in his successes, and he really does seem proud of mine even if they have sometimes been hard for him.
I once spoke to him about a mutual friend with whom my relationship felt flat-out toxic. I was considering telling her. Why, he asked? Why shut a door when you can leave a window open? Maybe someday our paths will cross in a way that's healthier, and while our society (and metafilter) often highly values brutal honesty, a confrontation could have hurt someone whose actions suggested they were already in pain.
I think male-female friendships can be interesting in the way that many women are socialized to be emotional caretakers even in platonic situations, and men, not. My husband never talks to his best friend of twenty years about anything of emotional substance. Sometimes they go nearly a year without speaking before they get back in touch about video games or comics or other shared interests. But when they see each other, they pick up right where they left off.
Which isn't to glorify this type of relationship above ones where a greater degree of emotional caretaking might take place. But I do think there's something to be said about meeting people where they are, and refraining from giving when those gifts--of time, of care--only breed resentment when they're not returned in kind. Because people get busy. They get sad. But that doesn't mean they don't care about you, and sometimes their joy at reconnecting is the simplest way they show that care.
Over time, I've gone from seeing my best and most successful friendships from those that are the most intense to those that are able to weather the storm of real-life intensity. And the strange thing is, the really intense friendships often don't last, while quiet, unassuming, uncomplicated friendships often do. I know that if I'm in town, my friend--who I haven't spoken to in a few months now--will get coffee with me, and we'll laugh and joke like old times, if only for an hour or two. We'll be different people, but we'll still like each other. And that's what matters.
So that would be my advice: don't end anything. Calibrate your expectations for what a successful long term friendship might look like. Meet him where he is. Enjoy what he gives, give only what you feel comfortable giving. Leave a door open. You'll probably find one another again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:34 AM on November 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
I don't think this has anything to do with me. There have been periods of emotional intensity, and periods where we're not in touch at all, and this mostly seems to have something to do with his life situation and mental health rather than anything intrinsic to me or our relationship. If I'm frank with myself, the hustle and bustle of my own life also has an impact. I know that our friendship has been hard for him sometimes because he's struggled in certain areas (creatively, romantically) while I haven't. But things are looking up for him lately, and I'm so happy to share in his successes, and he really does seem proud of mine even if they have sometimes been hard for him.
I once spoke to him about a mutual friend with whom my relationship felt flat-out toxic. I was considering telling her. Why, he asked? Why shut a door when you can leave a window open? Maybe someday our paths will cross in a way that's healthier, and while our society (and metafilter) often highly values brutal honesty, a confrontation could have hurt someone whose actions suggested they were already in pain.
I think male-female friendships can be interesting in the way that many women are socialized to be emotional caretakers even in platonic situations, and men, not. My husband never talks to his best friend of twenty years about anything of emotional substance. Sometimes they go nearly a year without speaking before they get back in touch about video games or comics or other shared interests. But when they see each other, they pick up right where they left off.
Which isn't to glorify this type of relationship above ones where a greater degree of emotional caretaking might take place. But I do think there's something to be said about meeting people where they are, and refraining from giving when those gifts--of time, of care--only breed resentment when they're not returned in kind. Because people get busy. They get sad. But that doesn't mean they don't care about you, and sometimes their joy at reconnecting is the simplest way they show that care.
Over time, I've gone from seeing my best and most successful friendships from those that are the most intense to those that are able to weather the storm of real-life intensity. And the strange thing is, the really intense friendships often don't last, while quiet, unassuming, uncomplicated friendships often do. I know that if I'm in town, my friend--who I haven't spoken to in a few months now--will get coffee with me, and we'll laugh and joke like old times, if only for an hour or two. We'll be different people, but we'll still like each other. And that's what matters.
So that would be my advice: don't end anything. Calibrate your expectations for what a successful long term friendship might look like. Meet him where he is. Enjoy what he gives, give only what you feel comfortable giving. Leave a door open. You'll probably find one another again.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:34 AM on November 3, 2015 [17 favorites]
Isn't it passive aggressive to be "busy' rather than honest?
Regarding this specifically. Being "busy" is being honest. Whenever someone tells you they are busy what they mean is that they have something else to do which is more important to them than doing what you are suggesting. If an acquaintance invites you to watch Friends reruns on a night when you already have plans to go to a work party, you are too busy. If your long time crush asks you to go out dancing on the same night, suddenly the work party looks a lot less important.
I honestly don't think it is dishonest to say "sorry, I'm busy" to someone you don't want to hang out with. Even if what you are busy doing is looking at cat videos and eating ice cream.
posted by 256 at 8:34 AM on November 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
Regarding this specifically. Being "busy" is being honest. Whenever someone tells you they are busy what they mean is that they have something else to do which is more important to them than doing what you are suggesting. If an acquaintance invites you to watch Friends reruns on a night when you already have plans to go to a work party, you are too busy. If your long time crush asks you to go out dancing on the same night, suddenly the work party looks a lot less important.
I honestly don't think it is dishonest to say "sorry, I'm busy" to someone you don't want to hang out with. Even if what you are busy doing is looking at cat videos and eating ice cream.
posted by 256 at 8:34 AM on November 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
First, referring to your friend as “he” and then “they” makes it difficult to follow.
If you feel this friendship is no longer useful, just let it die. Stop calling him, and whenever he calls or emails, do to him what he does to you. Agree to engage but with minimal effort. He will soon understand that he is wasting his time with you. Most people take the hint and fade away. There’s really no need for drama or for a sit-down-we-need-to-talk conversation about how important he once was and how you still love him but need to bring this friendship to an end. Absolutely no need for that kind of drama.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:50 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you feel this friendship is no longer useful, just let it die. Stop calling him, and whenever he calls or emails, do to him what he does to you. Agree to engage but with minimal effort. He will soon understand that he is wasting his time with you. Most people take the hint and fade away. There’s really no need for drama or for a sit-down-we-need-to-talk conversation about how important he once was and how you still love him but need to bring this friendship to an end. Absolutely no need for that kind of drama.
posted by Kwadeng at 8:50 AM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you might be on the receiving end of the slow fade you say you'd dread doling out. Maybe it's time to stop initiating these moments of contact to leave the ball in his/their court.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:57 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:57 AM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I've done this once and I am trying to do it again and if I were you, I would do it via the fade. Don't chase people. It sounds as if you're more invested than he is and I have absolutely no idea what you're getting out of it as a result. Don't hang onto people just to have companionship. I did this which is why I have had friendships with people who weren't very nice and also very self-involved. When you're with people who only talk about themselves or ask you a question as a way of talking about their lives, it can feel as if you're worthless, so again, I wonder what you're getting out of it. It doesn't sound as if he has anything to offer. He WAS a kindred spirit and now there has been a shift and you can both go on and find that spark with others. It was momentary. The death of anything is lonely and painful, especially a friendship but less lonely and painful than being around that particular person.
FADE.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 9:05 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
FADE.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 9:05 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
To me it sound like no action is needed. He's bad at staying in touch anyway. Don't knock yourself out trying to stay in touch with him either and problem solved. If you find yourself missing him later, you won't have burned any bridges. On the other hand, if he contacts you and you're not excited about seeing him, just tell him you're busy. Friendships don't always need to be sharply defined.
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:29 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Jess the Mess at 9:29 AM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you hadn't had the "rock" friendship, how would you feel about this current friendship? If there is any merit to keeping this current friendship, without expecting it to be anything other than what it currently is, then you can simply change your expectations and keep it.
If not, that's okay too. I've done the slow fade mostly because I had spent all my emotional labour on trying to get my friend to talk to me, and I had no energy left at the end for a Big Talk.
posted by sadmadglad at 9:52 AM on November 3, 2015
If not, that's okay too. I've done the slow fade mostly because I had spent all my emotional labour on trying to get my friend to talk to me, and I had no energy left at the end for a Big Talk.
posted by sadmadglad at 9:52 AM on November 3, 2015
Kat_Dubs, you are a great person for caring so much about your friendships.
For me, the two things that stick out is I think you are in your 20s, and the second is that your friend is male and you are female, is that correct?
For most people between teenage years and 20s there seems to be patterns of intense bonding and then completely losing touch of those close friends (college roommates, for example). We are also in transitional life phases, so people that would not normally be friends become friends. Now that I am old, looking back at many of my friends from my 20s I can think of just a very few that would be a good match outside of that time in my 20s. Lots of the people from that time are still working dead-end jobs, or struggling with mental health issues. I’ve done pretty alright for myself and it’s awkward to have a conversation with someone when you used to be on a similar footing in society and economy and I have moved along and they haven’t.
But of my friends from my teens 20s that have survived, I looooove them.
For a while my best female high school friend lived less than one mile from me in our 20s. I never saw her once during those 3 years or so, and we have never lived in the same town. Once we got into our 30s and kind of settled down, we rekindled our friendship. It’s a once a year visit, hopefully, and a once a month or so text chat.
One dear male friend from my 20s straight out disappeared. I miss him a lot, but he joined an unusual religion and moved across the country. I tried to reach him via email but no response.
Another male friend, one that is both a great, great friend and has been in love with me since we were 12 (it’s just funny at this point) is in another state but we keep up online and I get to see him for a few heart-swelling hours every few years.
And that is pretty much the only friends I kept from that time. A few others, but not real intense friends like the one you are mentioning.
And your friend is male? Men are weird about friendships. My husband’s best friend comes over 2 times a year from 9-11 pm and they talk about farts. Apparently this constitutes a best friendship for a man. My best friend’s husband actually has no friends besides his wife, which is not a good situation. Who knows, your minimal participation in this relationship may actually be his most robust friendship. Sometimes men aren’t conditioned to be super emotionally sensitive and he might think the relationship you have is absolutely perfect.
And the older I get, the more I think the friend breakups are harder than the romantic breakups. There’s a framework in our society for how to break up with a partner, but losing a friend is brutal. A good girlfriend of mine lost her best friend several years back, and even though she is a serious hardass, she is still really hurt and grieving that loss at least 5 years later.
You are at a really weird transitional time in life.
You have a cultural gap in the way women and men experience friendship.
There are few good ways in our culture to navigate the loss of friendship (if this situation even is a loss).
Keep your friend in your heart, prayers, and friend list and reach out when you can. Like others here, I think there will be another time in your life when your friendship will bloom, but it’s just a bit dormant now. Try not to grieve it as a loss but as to understand it as a transition, and be gentle with yourself. Give your friend some time and support and keep the door open.
posted by littlewater at 9:54 AM on November 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
For me, the two things that stick out is I think you are in your 20s, and the second is that your friend is male and you are female, is that correct?
For most people between teenage years and 20s there seems to be patterns of intense bonding and then completely losing touch of those close friends (college roommates, for example). We are also in transitional life phases, so people that would not normally be friends become friends. Now that I am old, looking back at many of my friends from my 20s I can think of just a very few that would be a good match outside of that time in my 20s. Lots of the people from that time are still working dead-end jobs, or struggling with mental health issues. I’ve done pretty alright for myself and it’s awkward to have a conversation with someone when you used to be on a similar footing in society and economy and I have moved along and they haven’t.
But of my friends from my teens 20s that have survived, I looooove them.
For a while my best female high school friend lived less than one mile from me in our 20s. I never saw her once during those 3 years or so, and we have never lived in the same town. Once we got into our 30s and kind of settled down, we rekindled our friendship. It’s a once a year visit, hopefully, and a once a month or so text chat.
One dear male friend from my 20s straight out disappeared. I miss him a lot, but he joined an unusual religion and moved across the country. I tried to reach him via email but no response.
Another male friend, one that is both a great, great friend and has been in love with me since we were 12 (it’s just funny at this point) is in another state but we keep up online and I get to see him for a few heart-swelling hours every few years.
And that is pretty much the only friends I kept from that time. A few others, but not real intense friends like the one you are mentioning.
And your friend is male? Men are weird about friendships. My husband’s best friend comes over 2 times a year from 9-11 pm and they talk about farts. Apparently this constitutes a best friendship for a man. My best friend’s husband actually has no friends besides his wife, which is not a good situation. Who knows, your minimal participation in this relationship may actually be his most robust friendship. Sometimes men aren’t conditioned to be super emotionally sensitive and he might think the relationship you have is absolutely perfect.
And the older I get, the more I think the friend breakups are harder than the romantic breakups. There’s a framework in our society for how to break up with a partner, but losing a friend is brutal. A good girlfriend of mine lost her best friend several years back, and even though she is a serious hardass, she is still really hurt and grieving that loss at least 5 years later.
You are at a really weird transitional time in life.
You have a cultural gap in the way women and men experience friendship.
There are few good ways in our culture to navigate the loss of friendship (if this situation even is a loss).
Keep your friend in your heart, prayers, and friend list and reach out when you can. Like others here, I think there will be another time in your life when your friendship will bloom, but it’s just a bit dormant now. Try not to grieve it as a loss but as to understand it as a transition, and be gentle with yourself. Give your friend some time and support and keep the door open.
posted by littlewater at 9:54 AM on November 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
This could be a description of me and I feel chastened by your question. I value my friendships more than anything, can show up and be there when really needed, and truly love my friends, but I also tend to disappear for months or years at a time, abandon social media, drop e-mail conversations partway through, and not answer my phone. For me, this is entirely a product of my mental health stuff and inability to juggle multiple things going on in my life at the same time. When I get busy with work or personal things I'm dealing with, I reduce communication to a minimum except for emergencies. It's not ideal, it's not a good thing to do, but it doesn't mean that my close friends have transformed into acquaintances.
What I'm saying is, the way friendship operates on a day-to-day basis shifts as people grow and experience new challenges, and any friendship's ability to survive this depends on both parties' persistence in caring about the other person even if they change. If you want this to be a lifelong friendship, you may have to reduce your expectations a little and realize you don't own his time. If you decide you're ending the friendship, he will almost certainly be shocked and hurt, because in his mind you're still great friends, but great friends don't need to communicate constantly, and periods of communication can wax and wane.
posted by thetortoise at 10:20 AM on November 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
What I'm saying is, the way friendship operates on a day-to-day basis shifts as people grow and experience new challenges, and any friendship's ability to survive this depends on both parties' persistence in caring about the other person even if they change. If you want this to be a lifelong friendship, you may have to reduce your expectations a little and realize you don't own his time. If you decide you're ending the friendship, he will almost certainly be shocked and hurt, because in his mind you're still great friends, but great friends don't need to communicate constantly, and periods of communication can wax and wane.
posted by thetortoise at 10:20 AM on November 3, 2015 [12 favorites]
This is not a male/female thing and I don't think it is useful to frame it as such. Plenty of people behave within friendships the way your friend does; I am definitely female and definitely like your friend. I do not have the capacity for anything but intermittent maintenance.
I've realised that this person is not going to be the lifelong friend I thought they would be
First off, I would suggest you recognise this as a choice you are making, not a choice dictated by your friend's behaviour. Especially as we age, friendships where people may only be in touch now and then and get together a few times a year are more common.
If you have the need for a close friendship with daily or near-daily interaction, this is clearly not going to be that, ever, but it doesn't mean you have to break up the friendship.
Also recognise that there's a level of Ask vs Guess going on here. If your friend has said he wants to hear about you, it may be his communication style to expect you to sit down and start talking about you rather than drawing you out with questions. This is not my favourite thing but I know plenty of friends like this -- they're happy to listen, just maybe not adept at back-and-forth.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:25 AM on November 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
I've realised that this person is not going to be the lifelong friend I thought they would be
First off, I would suggest you recognise this as a choice you are making, not a choice dictated by your friend's behaviour. Especially as we age, friendships where people may only be in touch now and then and get together a few times a year are more common.
If you have the need for a close friendship with daily or near-daily interaction, this is clearly not going to be that, ever, but it doesn't mean you have to break up the friendship.
Also recognise that there's a level of Ask vs Guess going on here. If your friend has said he wants to hear about you, it may be his communication style to expect you to sit down and start talking about you rather than drawing you out with questions. This is not my favourite thing but I know plenty of friends like this -- they're happy to listen, just maybe not adept at back-and-forth.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:25 AM on November 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
You're getting a variety of perspectives here, but here's another viewpoint close to the PhoBWanKenobi and thetortoise camp.
There's a natural ebb and flow to long-term friendships. Over a lifetime, there will be periods when you're barely in contact and other periods when you're talking regularly. There may be times that feel awkwardly one-sided: one of you is going through something tough or just feeling lonely and urgently wants to talk, while the other one may be busy and distracted and not entirely available. There will also probably be times when you're barely in maintenance-level contact. Those periods might look like a "slow fade", but in my experience they're just life's distractions getting in the way for a while.
Keeping in touch through the decades is really difficult. For various reasons, it's easier for me than it is for many of my favorite people. So I end up doing a lot of the "emotional labor" to keep friendships going. Occasionally I feel discouraged about it. But I've never regretted putting in the effort.
If I were in your situation, I'd try to make more friends. It's important to assimilate new perspectives, and to find people you trust and like who share and understand aspects of your immediate situation (neighborhood, job, current concerns and activities).
If your feelings are hurt, it's probably worth saying so, so that things don't fester. But unless you absolutely have to, I wouldn't burn any bridges with this person. There's no substitute for a long-term shared narrative.
posted by tangerine at 12:07 PM on November 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
There's a natural ebb and flow to long-term friendships. Over a lifetime, there will be periods when you're barely in contact and other periods when you're talking regularly. There may be times that feel awkwardly one-sided: one of you is going through something tough or just feeling lonely and urgently wants to talk, while the other one may be busy and distracted and not entirely available. There will also probably be times when you're barely in maintenance-level contact. Those periods might look like a "slow fade", but in my experience they're just life's distractions getting in the way for a while.
Keeping in touch through the decades is really difficult. For various reasons, it's easier for me than it is for many of my favorite people. So I end up doing a lot of the "emotional labor" to keep friendships going. Occasionally I feel discouraged about it. But I've never regretted putting in the effort.
If I were in your situation, I'd try to make more friends. It's important to assimilate new perspectives, and to find people you trust and like who share and understand aspects of your immediate situation (neighborhood, job, current concerns and activities).
If your feelings are hurt, it's probably worth saying so, so that things don't fester. But unless you absolutely have to, I wouldn't burn any bridges with this person. There's no substitute for a long-term shared narrative.
posted by tangerine at 12:07 PM on November 3, 2015 [7 favorites]
Oh, and one more thing:
Although on the phone he said he wanted to hear about my life, in person he did not ask me about my life
DarlingBri's point may be very pertinent here. In some conversational styles, it feels intrusive to ask people point-blank about their lives and concerns, and feels more considerate and tactful to leave room so friends can volunteer the details if they want to.
posted by tangerine at 12:20 PM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Although on the phone he said he wanted to hear about my life, in person he did not ask me about my life
DarlingBri's point may be very pertinent here. In some conversational styles, it feels intrusive to ask people point-blank about their lives and concerns, and feels more considerate and tactful to leave room so friends can volunteer the details if they want to.
posted by tangerine at 12:20 PM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'm kinda confused why you want to deliberately end the friendship and "dread hearing from him" instead of just dropping down to his level of contact (or even letting him initiate altogether)....I mean, the only offenses you mention are not contacting you as often as you prefer and being a bad listener on one (apparently busy) occasion.
Some people just don't need, or have the energy/ability to maintain, or even in some cases want, a lot of contact with their friends - especially friends living an hour away. If you need a higher level of contact to consider your friendship "alive", that's fine - you can stop reaching out if you don't want to see him again and the situation will pretty much take care of itself. But. I'm getting a sense that a lot of your current hurt, defensive, hopeless feelings are based on the meanings you're reading into his behaviour - meanings that could very easily be totally incorrect. If this is true, and you would be ok with low levels of contact if you were reassured that he actually does still like you and value the friendship, I would strongly recommend talking to him about it (or even giving him the benefit of the doubt) before throwing away a decades-long friendship that both of you seem to value. Maybe he'd be willing to make more of an effort if he knew the friendship was at stake - maybe he didn't realize it's so important to you, or he's been throwing all his energy at a stressful life situation but would shift his priorities if he knew he was risking a treasured friendship. Etc. A non-exhaustive list of things that could be affecting his ability to keep in touch include introversion/social anxiety, ADHD or other things making him absent-minded/forgetful, busy/stressful life, diagnosed or undiagnosed mental or physical illness, obliviousness/different social norms.
So, you have no obligation to continue the friendship if you no longer want to, but it would be wise to avoid making assumptions about the reasons he isn't contacting you as often as you would prefer, and to avoid acting on those assumptions.
posted by randomnity at 12:43 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Some people just don't need, or have the energy/ability to maintain, or even in some cases want, a lot of contact with their friends - especially friends living an hour away. If you need a higher level of contact to consider your friendship "alive", that's fine - you can stop reaching out if you don't want to see him again and the situation will pretty much take care of itself. But. I'm getting a sense that a lot of your current hurt, defensive, hopeless feelings are based on the meanings you're reading into his behaviour - meanings that could very easily be totally incorrect. If this is true, and you would be ok with low levels of contact if you were reassured that he actually does still like you and value the friendship, I would strongly recommend talking to him about it (or even giving him the benefit of the doubt) before throwing away a decades-long friendship that both of you seem to value. Maybe he'd be willing to make more of an effort if he knew the friendship was at stake - maybe he didn't realize it's so important to you, or he's been throwing all his energy at a stressful life situation but would shift his priorities if he knew he was risking a treasured friendship. Etc. A non-exhaustive list of things that could be affecting his ability to keep in touch include introversion/social anxiety, ADHD or other things making him absent-minded/forgetful, busy/stressful life, diagnosed or undiagnosed mental or physical illness, obliviousness/different social norms.
So, you have no obligation to continue the friendship if you no longer want to, but it would be wise to avoid making assumptions about the reasons he isn't contacting you as often as you would prefer, and to avoid acting on those assumptions.
posted by randomnity at 12:43 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have a good friend like this, so I know what you're going through. In my case, my friend suffers from a rather debilitating mental illness and has a hard time reaching out to people. Maybe that's the case with your friend too?
How do I deal with it? We don't live near each other, but I do visit him every time I'm in his city. He lives in my hometown, where my parents live, so I see him once or twice a year, usually. I always mean to call him more often than I actually do. I used to feel guilty about it, but I try to be easier on myself now. But I do try to call on his birthday.
Like your friend, my friend doesn't contact me very often and he doesn't use email or social media. I enjoy the time I do get to spend with him and the times when we do get to talk on the phone. I just don't expect much from him communication-wise, and when he does call it's always a pleasant surprise.
I used to be frustrated that all the effort seemed to be on my side. But I finally came to realize that that was my problem, not his. I do what I can, he does what he can, and we're still friends.
I guess what I'm saying is, he's probably having some kind of personal difficulties. If you don't enjoy spending time with him, or having to make all the effort kills it for you, then it's ok to not be friends. But having a compassionate approach might make the whole situation easier for you.
posted by number9dream at 12:57 PM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
How do I deal with it? We don't live near each other, but I do visit him every time I'm in his city. He lives in my hometown, where my parents live, so I see him once or twice a year, usually. I always mean to call him more often than I actually do. I used to feel guilty about it, but I try to be easier on myself now. But I do try to call on his birthday.
Like your friend, my friend doesn't contact me very often and he doesn't use email or social media. I enjoy the time I do get to spend with him and the times when we do get to talk on the phone. I just don't expect much from him communication-wise, and when he does call it's always a pleasant surprise.
I used to be frustrated that all the effort seemed to be on my side. But I finally came to realize that that was my problem, not his. I do what I can, he does what he can, and we're still friends.
I guess what I'm saying is, he's probably having some kind of personal difficulties. If you don't enjoy spending time with him, or having to make all the effort kills it for you, then it's ok to not be friends. But having a compassionate approach might make the whole situation easier for you.
posted by number9dream at 12:57 PM on November 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also, OP, re "they want to retain the friendship on some level with minimal to zero effort on their part": sometimes what you see is the effort they're making, and given whatever else is going on in their life (and in their mind), it may not be small. That hour and a half meetup may have seemed like nothing, but for some people it would mean having to put significant caregiving, work, or family demands on hold, or overcoming anxiety for a period of time.
posted by thetortoise at 1:07 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by thetortoise at 1:07 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Whoa, I thought I remembered a similar previous question from you and when I went to jog my memory, I came across a couple extremely relevant things from your past questions that you didn't mention here:
1) I see you recently moved home after a year abroad. Being away for a year can majorly affect friendships! Even if your friends keep in regular contact with you while you're away and stay just as connected to you mentally after a year away, they haven't been sitting around for a year pining - they've formed new habits and new social groups without you. Re-integrating yourself is something that'll take time and effort, which is mostly the responsibility of the one leaving/returning, and reintegration might not ever happen with some people. Sometimes people just drift apart once they don't see each other regularly anymore, and never quite connect again.
2) This might be way off-base, but any chance the guy in question is this guy? The guy who "tends to make false promises about all the wonderful things we'll do together, then drops off the face of the planet once we meet in person every so often", who has a girlfriend but hits on you anyway, and with whom you'd "cut off communication in order to get my life back on track"? Or do you have other friends-for-a-decade guy friends who drop off the planet regularly? Cause um...if that is the same guy, that radically changes my answer to this question.
posted by randomnity at 1:56 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
1) I see you recently moved home after a year abroad. Being away for a year can majorly affect friendships! Even if your friends keep in regular contact with you while you're away and stay just as connected to you mentally after a year away, they haven't been sitting around for a year pining - they've formed new habits and new social groups without you. Re-integrating yourself is something that'll take time and effort, which is mostly the responsibility of the one leaving/returning, and reintegration might not ever happen with some people. Sometimes people just drift apart once they don't see each other regularly anymore, and never quite connect again.
2) This might be way off-base, but any chance the guy in question is this guy? The guy who "tends to make false promises about all the wonderful things we'll do together, then drops off the face of the planet once we meet in person every so often", who has a girlfriend but hits on you anyway, and with whom you'd "cut off communication in order to get my life back on track"? Or do you have other friends-for-a-decade guy friends who drop off the planet regularly? Cause um...if that is the same guy, that radically changes my answer to this question.
posted by randomnity at 1:56 PM on November 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Excuse me for saying this, I don't want to come across as your parent or anything. I'm not that old... but you sound young... and I am totally up on social media and how that creates such an amazing sense of interconnectedness and inclusion - and dramatically improves lives the world over when people are separated, not only by distance, but also by circumstances such as schedules for work and family, or for simply trying to cope with the complexities of life. I am, however, old enough to recall a time when I had to leave my hometown and start fresh somewhere else when there wasn't even email. Or cell phones. Except for the really *big* ones that people kept in their cars.
It wasn't even all that far away, just a few hours' drive. The differences were such that I needed to focus all of my energy and attention on immersing myself in my new life. Sometimes disconnection is what we all need - if we are to grow and learn, and to be able to return with new life and new stories to share within the relationships we hold dear.
Yes, and I even went to camp the first time away from home, and wasn't allowed to make a phone call unless it was an emergency. We wrote letters, and they went by mail. I wrote a few to a bf once, and he sent me a number of letters in return... but since I we were in such different places and situations, I couldn't relate to his letters talking about how much he missed me. I was busy keeping busy, learning lots, making friends, and having a good time. When he called me on the emergency phone number, I thought someone in my family must have died for him to do such a thing. When it was just that he missed me *so* much, I was appalled that he would scare me so badly by making the call, and then appalled that he had created a situation where others around me thought that I must have received some terrible news.
Those times when I was completely immersed and separate from everything I had known, were the most amazing and incredible experiences I had ever had. It's really hard to describe that to someone who hasn't "been there"... and sometimes, you want to savour those experiences, and cherish them all unto ourselves.
posted by itsflyable at 6:53 PM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
It wasn't even all that far away, just a few hours' drive. The differences were such that I needed to focus all of my energy and attention on immersing myself in my new life. Sometimes disconnection is what we all need - if we are to grow and learn, and to be able to return with new life and new stories to share within the relationships we hold dear.
Yes, and I even went to camp the first time away from home, and wasn't allowed to make a phone call unless it was an emergency. We wrote letters, and they went by mail. I wrote a few to a bf once, and he sent me a number of letters in return... but since I we were in such different places and situations, I couldn't relate to his letters talking about how much he missed me. I was busy keeping busy, learning lots, making friends, and having a good time. When he called me on the emergency phone number, I thought someone in my family must have died for him to do such a thing. When it was just that he missed me *so* much, I was appalled that he would scare me so badly by making the call, and then appalled that he had created a situation where others around me thought that I must have received some terrible news.
Those times when I was completely immersed and separate from everything I had known, were the most amazing and incredible experiences I had ever had. It's really hard to describe that to someone who hasn't "been there"... and sometimes, you want to savour those experiences, and cherish them all unto ourselves.
posted by itsflyable at 6:53 PM on November 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
The way you describe their behaviour makes me a worried for your friend. I have behaved like that with friends and the times in between contact were really bad times for me. I was truly thinking about getting in contact again but between depression and ill health it was just too much for me. At those times I keep in contact with one very close longterm friend and that contact is mostly via email/messaging.
Saying they had to leave after one and a half hours? That would be me too exhausted by life and depression to continue being social and 'things to do' would be go back to bed and cry or stare into space.
Anyway, it's totally understandable that this friendship isn't fulfilling to you and especially if you dread the popping back but the periods of absence don't say dropping back to aquaintance level to me, they say someone who isn't coping and it isn't about you as a person or a friend at all. I wouldn't rule this out as a long term friendship ending. Perhaps he is in treatment and things will be better next year. Perhaps he needs a nudge towards some kind of treatment. You may well find yourself in 50 years giggling about your younger selves.
posted by kitten magic at 8:06 PM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Saying they had to leave after one and a half hours? That would be me too exhausted by life and depression to continue being social and 'things to do' would be go back to bed and cry or stare into space.
Anyway, it's totally understandable that this friendship isn't fulfilling to you and especially if you dread the popping back but the periods of absence don't say dropping back to aquaintance level to me, they say someone who isn't coping and it isn't about you as a person or a friend at all. I wouldn't rule this out as a long term friendship ending. Perhaps he is in treatment and things will be better next year. Perhaps he needs a nudge towards some kind of treatment. You may well find yourself in 50 years giggling about your younger selves.
posted by kitten magic at 8:06 PM on November 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all the responses, it has lead to a lot of soul searching. I think I get most upset about a lack of contact from friends when I am going through a difficult time – while I believe that although we should strive to help ourselves as much as possible (and not look for someone to fill in a hole), friends should try to be there for each other. Unless they are shrouded in a dark cloud of depression, I think if you do want to maintain a friendship it is only right to check in and say: how are you?
I think the pain is also related to change. Change can be frightening and I am reminded of a quote from the film Before Sunset – “you can never replace anyone becayse everyone is made up of such tiny, insignificant details.” I will never again be able to replace the fruits this particular friendship has brought me – although logically I know that even if I lose it, the memories will be there for a long time.
I think part of the reason I am finding long periods of silence and then a quick together unsettling is because when we do meet I feel we do not fully know each other. There is a lack of authenticity and I often find myself filling this friend in about heavy things that have happened because it had been such a HUGE part of my life he hasn’t been there for. I can’t not mention them, even fleetingly, because they have shaped me. Is that appropriate over coffee? It might be different if we could spend longer together because deeper, more authentic things tend to come out the longer you spend together.
Since I last saw my friend, I had endured two bereavements and grown in ways he can’t imagine. For me, the friendship now lacks solidity – it has taken on a dreamlike quality, where he floats into my life for a second and then leaves just as quickly. There is another friend who spends time with me like this – but the difference is that she makes an effort to stay in touch as much as she can in between. When she hasn’t felt able she will later admit it’s because she has been depressed – whereas, with this friend, he will say “sorry” but offer no explanation. It leaves me feeling left out in the cold. It leaves me feeling like the person might know about the roots of who I really am, but realistically they do not know whats inside anymore. And I don’t know whats inside of them. Likewise, I feel the core of his person, the person I loved for so long, is buried deep inside. But I do not feel he is being honest about pain his life currently and that can be difficult. The best way to describe it is that when we meet, I do not feel like he is being honest about himself and how he feels. It may take time to decide whether it is worth reaching out or letting us fade indefinitely.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 7:28 AM on November 4, 2015
I think the pain is also related to change. Change can be frightening and I am reminded of a quote from the film Before Sunset – “you can never replace anyone becayse everyone is made up of such tiny, insignificant details.” I will never again be able to replace the fruits this particular friendship has brought me – although logically I know that even if I lose it, the memories will be there for a long time.
I think part of the reason I am finding long periods of silence and then a quick together unsettling is because when we do meet I feel we do not fully know each other. There is a lack of authenticity and I often find myself filling this friend in about heavy things that have happened because it had been such a HUGE part of my life he hasn’t been there for. I can’t not mention them, even fleetingly, because they have shaped me. Is that appropriate over coffee? It might be different if we could spend longer together because deeper, more authentic things tend to come out the longer you spend together.
Since I last saw my friend, I had endured two bereavements and grown in ways he can’t imagine. For me, the friendship now lacks solidity – it has taken on a dreamlike quality, where he floats into my life for a second and then leaves just as quickly. There is another friend who spends time with me like this – but the difference is that she makes an effort to stay in touch as much as she can in between. When she hasn’t felt able she will later admit it’s because she has been depressed – whereas, with this friend, he will say “sorry” but offer no explanation. It leaves me feeling left out in the cold. It leaves me feeling like the person might know about the roots of who I really am, but realistically they do not know whats inside anymore. And I don’t know whats inside of them. Likewise, I feel the core of his person, the person I loved for so long, is buried deep inside. But I do not feel he is being honest about pain his life currently and that can be difficult. The best way to describe it is that when we meet, I do not feel like he is being honest about himself and how he feels. It may take time to decide whether it is worth reaching out or letting us fade indefinitely.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 7:28 AM on November 4, 2015
Kat_Dubs,
I'm glad that you are doing your soul searching. Yes, by all means, if you want to maintain a friendship, it is all right to just check in and ask "How are you?"... but if you're going to make the effort to even put yourself out there to ask, you really should be prepared for anything - that person could have experienced any number of things that could have affected them profoundly, and won't necessarily have processed them enough to even understand enough to express what has happened - as you well know with your bereavements.
I am so sorry to hear that this has been your experience as of late! It is a very difficult time, and very painful, and different for everyone - in the experience, in the time it takes to process, and in the manner in which it may change our lives in unexpected ways (manifests itself).
Having lost the love of my life at 32, my life was changed profoundly, and I had no words. Everyone else seemed to have busy, full, lives - and I was in a town where I didn't have any well established relationships. I realized quite quickly that I couldn't talk to any one person about my whole life - I would have sounded like a crazy person, and these people would just end up fidgeting and wanting to get to their own business of the day. So, I had to seek counselling and make a point of doing my self-care (getting out for walks with my dog, making sure that I had healthy groceries and food prepared, getting a massage so that I would actually be touched by someone again)... just so that I could try to build upon the fragments of relationships with people I knew, and develop them into something that I could possibly gain some comfort from, instead of work at.
It was exhausting, and nobody could see what I was going through. Nobody would ever know, even when I spoke of it most directly. They just could not fathom the depths of my sorrow and pain... and if they caught a glimpse of it, they were frightened and horrified. One woman even admitted that she didn't want to become a roommate with me because I was living her worst nightmare.
After a while, I realized that I was on my own - and that if I just needed to get something off my chest (and couldn't make time to see a counsellor - or didn't have the money, or just didn't want to pay someone to listen to me... because we should all be friends, and have time for each other, right?) - then I would occasionally tell little bits and pieces to different individuals... and sometimes I would hope that it would get around the grapevine so that I wouldn't have to explain to everyone what was going on... spreading the burden, I suppose...
So where am I going with this? Just that relationships change as we get older, and we aren't always able to steer our lives in the direction that we might have wanted to go. I wouldn't drop any relationship that was meaningful, but I also wouldn't remain attached to the hope that it remain the way that it was. When we let go of these attachments to the past, it doesn't mean that we don't cherish what they were and what they mean to us... it simply allows us to live our lives fully, now - and invest in our future, with those who are truly a part of the present.
posted by itsflyable at 8:13 AM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm glad that you are doing your soul searching. Yes, by all means, if you want to maintain a friendship, it is all right to just check in and ask "How are you?"... but if you're going to make the effort to even put yourself out there to ask, you really should be prepared for anything - that person could have experienced any number of things that could have affected them profoundly, and won't necessarily have processed them enough to even understand enough to express what has happened - as you well know with your bereavements.
I am so sorry to hear that this has been your experience as of late! It is a very difficult time, and very painful, and different for everyone - in the experience, in the time it takes to process, and in the manner in which it may change our lives in unexpected ways (manifests itself).
Having lost the love of my life at 32, my life was changed profoundly, and I had no words. Everyone else seemed to have busy, full, lives - and I was in a town where I didn't have any well established relationships. I realized quite quickly that I couldn't talk to any one person about my whole life - I would have sounded like a crazy person, and these people would just end up fidgeting and wanting to get to their own business of the day. So, I had to seek counselling and make a point of doing my self-care (getting out for walks with my dog, making sure that I had healthy groceries and food prepared, getting a massage so that I would actually be touched by someone again)... just so that I could try to build upon the fragments of relationships with people I knew, and develop them into something that I could possibly gain some comfort from, instead of work at.
It was exhausting, and nobody could see what I was going through. Nobody would ever know, even when I spoke of it most directly. They just could not fathom the depths of my sorrow and pain... and if they caught a glimpse of it, they were frightened and horrified. One woman even admitted that she didn't want to become a roommate with me because I was living her worst nightmare.
After a while, I realized that I was on my own - and that if I just needed to get something off my chest (and couldn't make time to see a counsellor - or didn't have the money, or just didn't want to pay someone to listen to me... because we should all be friends, and have time for each other, right?) - then I would occasionally tell little bits and pieces to different individuals... and sometimes I would hope that it would get around the grapevine so that I wouldn't have to explain to everyone what was going on... spreading the burden, I suppose...
So where am I going with this? Just that relationships change as we get older, and we aren't always able to steer our lives in the direction that we might have wanted to go. I wouldn't drop any relationship that was meaningful, but I also wouldn't remain attached to the hope that it remain the way that it was. When we let go of these attachments to the past, it doesn't mean that we don't cherish what they were and what they mean to us... it simply allows us to live our lives fully, now - and invest in our future, with those who are truly a part of the present.
posted by itsflyable at 8:13 AM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi everyone,
I wanted to give a quick update. I know most people in this thread said that I should "fade" and get on with life. But I have to say that in the end I talked to my friend and I recommend that it's better than disappearing if you really do care about the person.
There was a "last straw" moment when I was meant to meet him and he blew me off last minute. I reacted very badly, gave him a speech on how you should treat others as you want to be treated yadda yadda. He apologised very sincerely and asked to make it up to me. Well: after taking some time out, I realised the REAL reason I was so upset...was because I had feelings for him that were more than friendly (he's taken).
But at the same time, I was still upset by his recent treatment of me. In essence, I felt like the friendship had become somewhat toxic - although I still care about him very much. I'm now taking a time out, but I am so glad that I communicated my feelings with him.
I think miscommunication or not communicating at all is the root of all evil/so many problems in life. I even thought, hey, maybe he DOESN'T care that much anymore - but I do and don't mind expressing it, regardless of outcome. And I've found that keeping everything locked up places a big strain on the heart (for me anyway). We all have to make the best choices for ourselves. Thanks again folks.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 4:46 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
I wanted to give a quick update. I know most people in this thread said that I should "fade" and get on with life. But I have to say that in the end I talked to my friend and I recommend that it's better than disappearing if you really do care about the person.
There was a "last straw" moment when I was meant to meet him and he blew me off last minute. I reacted very badly, gave him a speech on how you should treat others as you want to be treated yadda yadda. He apologised very sincerely and asked to make it up to me. Well: after taking some time out, I realised the REAL reason I was so upset...was because I had feelings for him that were more than friendly (he's taken).
But at the same time, I was still upset by his recent treatment of me. In essence, I felt like the friendship had become somewhat toxic - although I still care about him very much. I'm now taking a time out, but I am so glad that I communicated my feelings with him.
I think miscommunication or not communicating at all is the root of all evil/so many problems in life. I even thought, hey, maybe he DOESN'T care that much anymore - but I do and don't mind expressing it, regardless of outcome. And I've found that keeping everything locked up places a big strain on the heart (for me anyway). We all have to make the best choices for ourselves. Thanks again folks.
posted by Kat_Dubs at 4:46 AM on December 6, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, his unwillingness to ever get in touch with you makes this pretty simple. You don't have to give him a big speech or tell him you're cutting him off, I imagine that if you stop reaching out to him, you might not ever hear from him again. I wouldn't bother telling him what a valuable role he has played in your life, I don't think he really cares. Go focus on the people who actually want to be in your life.
posted by cakelite at 7:17 AM on November 3, 2015 [6 favorites]