She said "just friends". We are. Now what?
January 6, 2012 12:47 PM Subscribe
What techniques can I use to quell or quieten emotional turmoil? Avalanche of special inside.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (16 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I am not a person who develops interpersonal connections easily. I have a few very good friends, and feel fairly distant to people outside of this circle, though I get on with most easily - I don't have difficulty interacting. As a result, friends are precious and I am also slow to develop serious enough interest in someone to consider asking them out. Some less-than-optimal experiences with other methods have reinforced this conviction.
So in short, it's necessary that I consider someone a good friend before anything else (see where this is going yet?) and it is awkward if I bump my nose against the reality of anything else not being wanted. I find myself at this point now.
First off, I'm not dropping this friendship, and I know from experience that a break won't change things, so no arguments along these lines will be considered. I'm capable of behaving in a way that won't make my friend feel bad, I'm only concerned about dealing behind the scenes with feelings that Just Won't Go Away. Part of the issue is that I was turned down in a way that allows for the possibility of a different answer at an unknown future date. I know, intellectually, that the little voice encouraging me on this point is not helping things in any way, but I haven't been able to shut it up. I would absolutely still be having this issue if the answer had been 'never', but possibly with slightly less intensity.
Further complicating the matter is the fact that meeting up recently with a friend from school who had inspired similar feelings (we'd stayed in touch with occasional meetings every year or so) reminded me of exactly why I thought so highly of her, and I learned that neither of us had changed so much that I'd think differently. I don't believe in 'one true love' or anything similar and my reason is unable to conceive of why it should be wrong to feel equally, or near equally strongly attracted to two people at once (though multiamory doesn't interest me at all) but I somehow feel guilty about it.
Basically, I want to stop feeling like my emotions are the universe's favourite snow-globe.
Ok, so that's the main party, but the other guests are:
- I have in the past dealt with serious levels of depression. I'm pretty much out of that hole now, but I still encounter self-esteem issues, and on my darker days I still lack conviction that I'll find someone.
- I have a pretty high sex drive. I am a teensy bit frustrated. Please don't suggest going solo with porn. I don't think bars and hookups are inherently wrong, but the point at which I'd be comfortable getting naked with someone is the point at which I might as well just ask them out anyway.
- I am dubious about therapists. I spent a fair amount of time there in my teens, and all I got was a label for my social difficulties and the recognition that I could hide depression from anyone including the people who were supposed to know how to deal with it.
If it's relevant, I am male, under 30 and in the UK.