Is "meeting people" a valid life goal and antidote for neediness?

October 28, 2015 6:57 AM

I find myself too invested in a situation which has turned out to be a No-Strings-Attached relationship . This person apparently has a huge social circle, whereas I am more of a loner. The bottom line is that I sense that she has plenty of options to choose from. I don't. And she has been explicit about this fact. The prospect of seeing her is generally the high point of my week. Her cancelling at the last minute because something else came up tends to be a real bummer.

On the first few dates, there was good conversation and seemingly shared interests and values, which may have helped to raise my expectations. But later she proved to be interested only in casual hookups.
I try not to sound too eager to her in our text exchanges, but I guess she senses the interest disparity. And I don't like the power differential, specially since she likes to remind me that "she is in control".
Questions: Do you think meeting new people (including potential dating partners) may be a solution to becoming overinvested in a single person too early?
For long, I was convinced that the only activities worth spending time on were work and study (specially since I come from a background where being able to pay the bills has tended to be an issue). However, I've recently come to see that social isolation is not cool, and that it may cause me to place too high expectations on the prospect of a relationship. I have no intention of becoming a socialite, but is seeking connections (from tinder to volunteering) a valid way of spending time and reducing anxiety for somebody who doesn't have much to spare?
Thanks in advance for your insights.

posted by samufer to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Best answer: I may be answering this in a backwards way, but one of the things that attracted me to my partner was his rich life. He's been part of a book group for many years. He's also part of the cycling community and he's a huge music fan and regularly hosts concerts in his home. And these things were all appealing to me because it meant that he had a good and interesting life whether or not he had a partner. It meant he did not have to depend on me as his sole source of support and enjoyment. More than that, it gave me a model for the kind of life I wanted to build for myself. So I think following your own interests and meeting people in the process of developing your own interests is a really fine way to build a good life. Apart from that, I would like to note that this woman is being rude to you. No strings attached is not the same as being an asshole. People who cancel at the last minute because "something came up" are people who think only of themselves. So consider upgrading the type of person you're dating as well as the social aspects of your life. Or at least demanding that she treat you with greater respect.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:12 AM on October 28, 2015 [22 favorites]

She's playing with your feelings. It amuses her that you're lonely and dependent on her. Just stop talking to her, and go find people who actually like your company.
posted by sninctown at 7:17 AM on October 28, 2015 [14 favorites]

Yes, absolutely having other things to do/other people to hang out with will help stop you getting overinvested in one person.

Plus, it sounds like you want to have people/a person to do things with. This person you're seeing isn't able to meet your needs in that direction (and she sounds mean). So yes, meeting more people would seem to be the solution.

Also, having a network of friends and acquaintances is great for school and work.

And I'm pretty sure there are plenty of scientific studies showing that people with more/closer social connections are healthier and happier.

So: yes, meeting people is a valid life goal, for a ton of reasons, not just the ones you mention.
posted by mskyle at 7:18 AM on October 28, 2015 [6 favorites]

I've been where you are in terms of seeing someone being the highlight of my week when I don't occupy that much space their brain because they have more going on. It's a rough place to be.

Definitely keep looking. For someone who's a better fit, who's as eager to spend time with you as you are to spend time with them, and who isn't into a non-consensual power dynamic.

And keep looking for friends too! There's a big wide spectrum between being interested in only school and work and being "a socialite." Humans are social creatures and seeking connection is a very valid use of even limited time.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:39 AM on October 28, 2015 [9 favorites]

If she is actually literally reminding you that "she is in control" then she is being emotionally abusive and you should drop her like a hot potato.

Being socially active can be very healthy and rewarding and is an end in and of itself, so go for it.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:44 AM on October 28, 2015 [9 favorites]

This woman sounds truly awful -- while it's no one's fault that there is an interest disparity between you two, and she is certainly not obligated to give you the romantic relationship you desire, it's shitty behavior to constaintly remind you she's in control and has better things to do, and to cancel on plans at the last minute. So first thing, I would stop playing this game and move on.

More broadly, I think growing your social circle and forming meaningful connections with folks both platonic and romantic is a great goal, and I do think that investing in a variety of people will help you feel like you have a more rich life and less need to latch onto just one person. I might focus on doing this through hobbies, volunteering, or other activities like that first, before you jump back into the dating world.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:56 AM on October 28, 2015 [4 favorites]

The real reason this is going on is that this woman is not interested in a relationship with you. It has nothing to do with how you're acting, how many friends you have, what other hobbies and activities are in your life, etc.

I think doing other stuff is a good idea, since she's not interested in you and this is something that is virtually guaranteed not to change.
posted by Sara C. at 9:49 AM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I'll answer this with a question: how would you behave if you were single and didn't expect to ever be in a relationship again? What would you need to do to have a happy life in that situation?

Think carefully, and then start doing it now. Your partner can be a great support, but should never be the only thing shielding you from sadness or loneliness. It's an impossible job, for one thing, and also gives them far too much control over your happiness. And some people, like the person you mention here, will exploit that to treat you like garbage. You need to reclaim control of your own happiness.
posted by randomnity at 11:58 AM on October 28, 2015 [10 favorites]

Best answer: Questions: Do you think meeting new people (including potential dating partners) may be a solution to becoming overinvested in a single person too early?

God, I hope not, this sort of thinking is victim-blaming and gross. I mean, if you want to meet other people or volunteer, fine, but that's REALLY not relevant to a romantic attachment to a single person because this is not how attachment works. You didn't "become overinvested;" they treated you like shit. (You're supposed to be invested! This is what's supposed to happen!) You shouldn't have to become more garbage to avoid shitty treatment by garbage people. It's not that you need broader interests, it's that they need to stop being garbage.
posted by Violet Hour at 12:27 PM on October 28, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I love what randomnity write about you being responsible for your own happiness. It is one of the greatest truths in Life but it's a tough one to internalise - especially if you are in a sticky situation where you'd like a relationship with someone who isn't a good match for whatever reason.

Listen, I get where you are coming from. I did the whole "school + work, jesus I am old and should have a partner" thing and I put up with some pretty shitty dating experiences because I thought I was doomed to die a spinster. But I realised that I could not pretend to be a trophy girlfriend or do the extrovert thing. I started getting more into my various hobbies instead and built up a social circle. Turns out that even an introvert girl with niche interests can build up a social circle. And, yes, eventually the romantic thing did happen and it's lovely.

But power disparities do not a happy life make.

Go forth and find out what anchors your own happiness. I follow Action for Happiness on Twitter and I can recommend them. And, above all things, be kind to yourself by only hanging around with people who genuinely want the best for you.
posted by kariebookish at 12:40 PM on October 28, 2015 [7 favorites]

++Bella Donna
++randomnity

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -- Joseph Campell

"Long-term confidence is derived from the knowledge that you're living in line with your values."

* A partner is the icing on the cake of your life, not the cake itself.

* Two things that turn women off faster than a light switch are being boring and lack of confidence.

* Consider taking a break from dating while you figure out what kind of life you want to have, what kind of person you want to be, and how to get there. (I mean, don't seek out women to date but if one crosses your path, go ahead.)

* Learn how to be alone without being lonely. Often loneliness happens when we look to someone else to fill our needs. To get there, you have to be believe you are enough as you are. You have to like yourself, and love yourself. If you don't enjoy your company, nobody else will, either.

* Say yes to opportunities that come your way. Make yes the default answer. I was invited to a writing group that requires a two hour drive during rush hour. It doesn't make any sense at all, except it's the best group I've been in.

* You sound like you could benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.
posted by trinity8-director at 1:03 PM on October 28, 2015 [3 favorites]

I think you should make an effort to meet new people IF you want to meet new people and hang out with them. Regardless of her. If you don't really feel like meeting new people, what is the point.
If she doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with her, you should either decide to accept this (as a real decision on your part) or let her go and find someone who wants to be with someone as much as you want to be with them. I wish you the best - it's easier to say than do.
posted by gt2 at 5:45 PM on October 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Some couples do go through life only socializing with their significant other, but I think much more often than not it's actually pretty unhealthy. Even if they are happy with it- one of them may die, or they may break up, or who knows what.

Also, very often if one partner is needy it can put strain on the relationship, especially if the other partner has a more tiring or social job and can't keep giving all of their emotional energy to their partner all the time without becoming exhausted.

Having one or two friends pretty consistently in life no matter your reationship status is a very good, heathy goal that can't hurt you and can only help you. Yes, in this particular instance, this lady is not treating you well and she should treat you well regardless of the friends issue. But, that is a separate matter that doesn't change the fact that having at least one or two friends and a hobby or two is good advice no matter what.
posted by quincunx at 5:53 PM on October 28, 2015 [2 favorites]

Being isolated myself, having just recently ended a decade-long codependent relationship with someone, and having a significant lack of close friends or family to help me deal with it all, I can say without a doubt that building a social life outside of your relationship with her is a fantastic idea. Don't be me. The longer you pour the majority of your social and emotional energy into a single person, the worse it is for you when it ends (when, from the sound of it). If it spans enough time (say a year or two) and you rely on it too much, you may end up in a void you would have trouble making heads or tails of, much less escaping. It's tough to manage on your own, and it's really tough to start over socially on your own when dealing with a loss like that. Make some new friends, and by all means date some other people.
posted by HumanBean at 11:01 PM on October 28, 2015 [4 favorites]