"Inside-out":Too gooey for a movie date?

September 2, 2015 6:56 AM

I recently had an interesting first coffee date with a girl. We discovered that we shared an interest in psychology and human behaviour and spent hours speaking about it. I'm thinking of inviting her to the movies next. I've found that the cartoon "Inside-out"(which explains the workings of human emotions) might be of interest to both of us. However, I wonder whether an invitation to watch a cartoon (even when "Inside-out" seems to have a serious message) might be seen as, to be frank, "unmanly". We are in our early-to-mid 20s.
posted by samufer to Human Relations (42 answers total)

Best answer: The least manly thing in the world is caring about what others think about your manliness. It sounds like a movie you will both enjoy, so you should totally suggest it, and hopefully have a great time together!
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:58 AM on September 2, 2015 [54 favorites]

Do it. It sounds like fun! In her shoes, I'd go in a heartbeat.
posted by GrammarMoses at 6:59 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

One of the great things about Pixar is that their movies, while nominally for kids, are also great for adults to watch. I say go for it. (Worst case scenario, you can have a conversation about which parts were the cheesiest.)
posted by Alioth at 7:05 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Lots of grow-up women-type people love cartoons. And if she doesn't, do you really want to date her??
posted by Halo in reverse at 7:07 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Uh, are you under the impression that she would care about "manliness"? It sounds like an awesome date, go for it.
posted by lydhre at 7:08 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

This kind of situation is made for the "Be Yourself!" advice.

You've assimilated things you've learned about this woman and believe this movie would be enjoyable for the both of you. Yay! Excellent work! Go for it!

Don't worry about "unmanly"-- if she thinks that then she's not compatible with you and this is good information to have sooner rather than later. Anyone else doesn't have a vote-- who cares if some dudebro thinks cartoon movies are unmanly.
posted by travertina at 7:14 AM on September 2, 2015 [8 favorites]

The only Pixar movies not to see on a date are "Up" (unless you can accidentally miss the first ten minutes) and any of the Carses.
posted by Etrigan at 7:20 AM on September 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

I fell in love with the man who became my husband at a Disney movie (Enchanted, FWIW). He's a reserved guy, but got so into the romance that when there was a line in the movie about true love, he blurted out "It's destiny!" in this kind of gentle, awe-struck voice. Manliness includes the ability to not take yourself too seriously, and to be struck by emotions.
posted by deadtrouble at 7:20 AM on September 2, 2015 [8 favorites]

It's supposed to be one of the best movies of the year, don't overthink this!
posted by cakelite at 7:21 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

Personally, the only thing I'd worry about at a Pixar movie, date-wise, is crying (one of the reviews of Inside Out, which I haven't seen yet, called it "Pixar's weepiest movie yet"). Not that there's anything unmanly about crying, but as Etrigan says, I wouldn't have wanted to be on a second date during the first ten minutes of Up.
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:29 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've seen the film, it's great! If she's interested in psychology, chances are she'll love it and you'll have lots to talk about afterwards. It's a very smart story. Not too sentimental, either, although it's Pixar so it has those moments, too.

To most women, it only reads as a positive quality if a man isn't worried about the norms and constraints of traditional masculinity. So don't sweat it, even if you have to wipe away a few tears (as my husband did).
posted by sively at 7:34 AM on September 2, 2015 [9 favorites]

Like the Card Cheat, I'd be worried about crying. Not just that you might, but that she might and may be embarrassed by that on a first date.

I weeped quite a lot through this, although that was because it was hitting my Mom feelings really hard. It could also be tough for anyone who has experience with depression in their own life or with a family member.

I don't think the cartoon aspect is the problem, but this might be better a few months from now when you're cozied up on a couch together eating popcorn.
posted by saffry at 7:36 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think this sounds fun, but I don't think a movie (any movie) is a good second date. You're sitting there not looking at each other and not interacting for 2+ hours, which to me isn't a great investment of time when you're just getting to know someone. I view early dates as a chance to see whether I have chemistry with someone, get to know more about them, and ultimately decide if I want to keep dating them. A movie doesn't really help me accomplish any of these things. I'd wait until maybe date 4-5 when you've established some rapport and know you both have an interest in continuing to date.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:51 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]

Go for it! Two things that make this a great move: 1. People that have passions for things and can share them confidently and securely can be super attractive. 2. You are already connecting on this topic! (and spent hours speaking about it) That is gold in the dating world.
posted by incolorinred at 7:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I don't think a movie is a great second date either.

Also, we're women, not girls.
posted by kinetic at 7:55 AM on September 2, 2015 [22 favorites]

This particular movie is a tough call. I found the movie to be great but emotionally intense -- about childhood, growing up, memory, parents, dealing with hard times, interplay between emotions -- probably you'll both cry a little and you'll have a ton to talk about after. That could be great or terrible, depending.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'm with rainbowbrite on this. I would not want to sit so close, so long, so quietly with someone I'd only met once over coffee.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't mention the movie, though! It'd make sense to ask her if she's seen it (it's been out for quite a while now), and whether she recommends it and/or wants to see it sometime.

Also, women in their 20's aren't girls, and manliness is not measured by movie suggestions (just a tip, not a jab).

On preview: what kinetic said.
posted by whoiam at 8:03 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

I think if you suggest it saying that it is due to your shared interest in Psychology, or that it was recommended to you as being interesting based on this etc., then it should be a great idea. Full disclosure, I went because someone described the film to me in this way and my friend and I had great conversations afterward. She will probably appreciate your thoughtfulness too. Win-win!
posted by bquarters at 8:27 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Shit dude, I have had dates that have consisted of "no wait, this kitten video is way cuter, this one is playing with yarn" followed by sex, so no, suggesting a Pixar movie is not going to make your penis fall off or something. Do what feels right.
posted by phunniemee at 8:31 AM on September 2, 2015 [12 favorites]

So for me the thing about dating is that people gotta take you as you are. If you are genuinely interested in seeing Inside Out, then that is part of who you are. And if she doesn't like that, then she may not be a good fit for you. So absolutely yes say "Hey let's go see Inside Out."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:42 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

I saw it with my kids, and we talked a lot afterwards about how we thought it's the least consistently realised of any of the Pixar movies that we've all seen. Lots of opportunities to be saying stuff like "yeah I kind of liked that bit, but then it didn't make sense when she... etc" - which was really not the tone of the conversations we had after most of the others.

IMO that makes it less of a good movie, but probably a better jumping-off point for many potentially interesting conversations about personality types, magazine-article psychology, family-movie depictions of families, gender representation, how anyone could move to the other side of the country without showing their family members even a picture of the house they'd be living in, etc etc.

So, go for it, but leave plenty of time afterwards for those conversations. And sorry for the spoiler about how they hadn't seen their house.
posted by rd45 at 8:59 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I refused to go see Rango because CGI freaks me out. I insisted my first-date accompany me to Lincoln Lawyer instead. First date and last date. Learn from my folly: cartoons are okay.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:07 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I think this is a good idea. In the unlikely event that the woman you're asking thinks this "unmanly", then you've discovered something about her personal psychology that would be worth knowing. Really, I think it's a charming idea, so go for it.
posted by Adrian57 at 9:12 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

nthing go. have fun!
posted by lunastellasol at 9:57 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

To throw in a dissenting opinion, I would find your choice of movie "unmanly". I'm in my mid-twenties and generally am more conservative about questions of sex, etc. than my peers.

She might be more timid than I am about offering these kinds of opinions, but if I were in her place I would not agree to seeing this movie if you suggested it. One option is just to ask her if she wants to see the movie. If you ask confidently as a means of getting her genuine desire, and not in an insecure way, no harm done.

Like others have said, though, maybe a movie is not a great idea for a second date. Perhaps your discomfort with making the choice indicates that you might be better off waiting to see a movie together once you have a better sense of her character and what she enjoys. I personally don't really like going to the movies on dates.
posted by poilkj at 10:03 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

It seems fine to me. On the crying thing, I must say that I have many moments in time sort of preserved in crystalline memory amber of the first days, weeks, months with my now-husband (together for over 25 years), and one of them was when I invited him to the ballet... and he cried. Well, not when I invited him :P, but while we were there, and not gasping sobs, but some wee quiet emotional tears.

It was a very beautiful, grand production of Swan Lake, and he was moved, as he often is by art / music, not that often to the point of crying unless several cocktails were involved earlier, but definitely in some live experiences. That was a thing that really struck me, and combined with all the other things that made him so thrilling, kind, smart, different, real, honest, fun and ... just so amazing inside and out, well, I consider that one of the moments that I absolutely thought, "I am falling in love now. Definitely definitely in imminent peril of falling in love."

I did, and I was right about all that. Neither of us are actually big criers, but we still pretty much both end up crying a bit at emotional moments in films or even ridiculous heart-tugger news clips or stories about dogs, or other doofy stuff, and I'm so glad.
posted by taz at 10:18 AM on September 2, 2015 [4 favorites]

I am a girl who is in the dating world and has a strong interest in psychology/human behaviour and I would be really psyched if a guy I just started seeing suggested this.
posted by raw sugar at 10:27 AM on September 2, 2015

I'm not sure what your country of origin is (or where you're currently residing) but in the United States this would not be "unmanly" at all, it's fairly common, especially with Pixar films which tend to be more "all-ages" than "for children".
posted by Ndwright at 10:34 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Early on in our courtship, I went with my now-husband to see March of the Penguins, specifically because the penguins looked cuddly and cute, and it was the best movie date ever. "Manliness" is an artificially-contrived trap designed to feed on self-esteem. Presumably you want to get to know her, and not some vague concept of "femininity," and the reverse should be true for her as well.

That said, I don't think movies in general are great early on in a dating scenario, because there is so little opportunity for interaction. I was also a sobbing snot-fest during Up, which would have been excruciating during a second date. I didn't find Inside Out as emotionally fraught, but YMMV.
posted by Diagonalize at 10:34 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Datapoint:

I and my boyfriend (both early-mid 20s) went to see Inside Out for a date a few weeks ago. We both loved it, found it deeply moving, and cried at certain points.
posted by femmegrrr at 10:59 AM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

If calling it a "cartoon" makes you feel unmanly, you could call it a "Pixar animated feature", which is what it is anyway ;-)
posted by Koko at 11:03 AM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

I had two boyfriends break down crying on dates. One was during and after The Killing Fields. One was during the ceremony at the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham on Martin Luther King day. To understate it, the crying did not diminish my respect for the boyfriends.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:29 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I've read a few "no movies on the second date" comments which I think is kind of bullshit advice. It's not some universal rule, that if broken will dash any hopes for future dates. It's a preference like any other. You feel okay about seeing a movie on a second date, she might as well. You didn't plan on demanding a movie on the 2nd date, right? So just ask her.

Try to also plan something to do before and/or after the movie, to make the date feel more eventful. If she really doesn't want to go, she'll hopefully tell you and you can make other plans.

More than anything, you sound nervous/excited about dating. Try not to overthink it (banish all thoughts of how "manly" you should be) and have fun. Ask her to do the things you enjoy doing.

My datapoint:
On our second date, I took the woman I recently moved in with to a 4 hour essay film on the history of Los Angeles. We went to a museum (her pick) beforehand and strolled around afterwards. We both had a very nice time.
posted by AtoBtoA at 12:59 PM on September 2, 2015 [3 favorites]

To address both your hesitation about this idea and others' questioning of a movie as a second date, you could come up with one other idea, and then ask if she'd like to go see the movie or do [other thing] with you.
posted by daisyace at 2:45 PM on September 2, 2015

I took a date to see "Aladdin" at a $1 theater back in the day and it was a fantastic time. I still feel wistful about it.
posted by tacodave at 4:12 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

I took a girl to a "manly" movie called Reservoir Dogs once. She covered her eyes the whole time and that was our last date.
posted by Nevin at 4:55 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Whether this is the right date for the two of you depends on you and the woman. Some women would probably be turned off by the suggestion, but others would love it. I know I would love it (Disney freak here!), and most of my female friends would also be game, especially since you'd be framing the suggestion around your mutual interest in psychology. I'd find it sweet and thoughtful, and I wouldn't think to question your manliness. If anything, I'd take it as a sign that you're confident enough to suggest something fun and a little offbeat.

As far as the suggestion that a movie isn't a good second date... What? Okay, so see the movie and then grab coffee or a meal after, and the movie becomes a convenient springboard for conversation. I've been on some awkward dates that I wish had been movies/coffee instead. You get to talk about what you liked about the film, or that person in the audience you totally watched eat a piece of candy off the theater floor (sorry, recent true story that left me horrified and fascinated -- the five-second rule doesn't apply in movie theaters).

Give it a try. The movie date, I mean. Not eating candy off the movie theater floor. Definitely don't do that, especially on a date.
posted by QuickedWeen at 7:21 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Oh, dear. Are you afraid if you're insufficiently manly you may fall prey to Spontaneous Girlification Syndrome? (Self link, but how can I resist it, if the boy is gonna tee up the ball so nice?)

It's a really good movie. (But be prepared to choke back a tear or two. It's very sad in parts.) If you suggest it and your date questions your manliness over it, she's not a good person to date. If a woman suggested going to see, I don't know, John Wick or whatever, would you question her womanliness?
posted by Ursula Hitler at 8:16 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]

Manliness is being simple and direct and honest. You honestly want to go to this movie and think she'd like it, so ask her simply and directly.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:52 PM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Manliness is being simple and direct and honest.

I'm sure you mean well, but "manliness" is a bullshit idea that's messed a lot of people up. Being simple, direct and honest doesn't make you any more or less of a man than being complicated, indirect and a liar. (Do women have to be simple, direct and honest to be womanly, or does being those things make them unwomanly?)

You are a man if you are a grownup human and declare yourself a man. That's it. You don't even have to have a dong. Nobody can take manhood away from you, nobody can force it on you, and there's no test you pass or fail to prove your manhood. Anybody who tells you to "be a man" is basically telling you that you are not conforming to their particular set of gender norms. But they don't get to define your gender for you.

Sorry if this comes across as super self-righteous. I try not to be one of those people who jumps down somebody's throat for using the wrong pronouns or whatever. But the idea of defining manhood by an external yardstick is toxic. People kill each other over that shit, trying to "prove their manhood". (And, it's got this poor guy thinking he can't ask a woman to a Pixar movie because it'll make him look "unmanly"!)
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:04 AM on September 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

Give her some options. Ask her out for a movie date, suggest Inside Out for the reasons you listed and it's popular with decent reviews but also suggest MI:3 because it's popular with decent reviews. At the end of the day, you just want to spend some time with her and go on a second date right?

If she chooses MI:3, don't overthink it. But go watch Inside Out with a friend anyway - it's really good and you can still talk to her about it as I do agree it poses an interesting frame for discussions about psychology. Just knowing the premise without spoilers is enough to talk about it.
posted by like_neon at 1:29 AM on September 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

I think the manly thing to do is have a plan for a date in the first place. Coming to her with "I want to take you to this movie at this date and time" is manly.

Coming to her with "I was thinking maybe we could hang out. I don't know, what do you want to do" is infuriating. For some reason it makes men come off as less than manly.

So, it's not the kids movie that would make you unmanly. It's the wavering in confidence. Own it! You want to see the movie and you know she does to.
posted by jander03 at 12:36 PM on September 4, 2015