So...why are you single?
August 29, 2015 9:06 AM Subscribe
I am in mid 30s and not married with no children. I constantly get this question from random people I meet, co-workers, relatives -you get the picture (all married). It annoys me and quite literally ruins my day. What's the best way to answer it?
It follows a question "do you have a partner?" or "so have you met anyone since we last talked?"
I have tried saying something like "it's better to be single than in a bad relationship" but this probably sounds too defensive. I have tried being somewhat honest and said that it's hard to meet a single guy my age but then people would start pitying me. Like "Oh, I don't even know what to say. I am so glad I never had to go through that." Or they would say something like "I heard tinder is good". I even get "You know, time is running out. What's your game plan?". ALL of this just makes me feel depressed. I end up saying stuff like "Well, you know I will be fine if I don't meet anyone. I was never that into having kids so no big deal. Whatever happens, happens." *more pitying looks and sounds". The thing is, I don't want to share even that with the person asking. I am doing it out of politeness but I don't want to feel forced to share what I am not comfortable with.
I really, really don't want to talk about my single status. I feel that there is so much more to me than that and frankly, it's not anybody's business. I think it's an invasion of privacy and I feel like I should choose to volunteer that info. Yet when faced with a direct question, what's the best way to answer it, without sounding rude, but making it known that I don't want to talk about it?
I started avoiding women in general because men almost never ask me this. We talk about work and hobbies and I feel uplifted rather than intruded upon and reminded of something I already know too well.
It follows a question "do you have a partner?" or "so have you met anyone since we last talked?"
I have tried saying something like "it's better to be single than in a bad relationship" but this probably sounds too defensive. I have tried being somewhat honest and said that it's hard to meet a single guy my age but then people would start pitying me. Like "Oh, I don't even know what to say. I am so glad I never had to go through that." Or they would say something like "I heard tinder is good". I even get "You know, time is running out. What's your game plan?". ALL of this just makes me feel depressed. I end up saying stuff like "Well, you know I will be fine if I don't meet anyone. I was never that into having kids so no big deal. Whatever happens, happens." *more pitying looks and sounds". The thing is, I don't want to share even that with the person asking. I am doing it out of politeness but I don't want to feel forced to share what I am not comfortable with.
I really, really don't want to talk about my single status. I feel that there is so much more to me than that and frankly, it's not anybody's business. I think it's an invasion of privacy and I feel like I should choose to volunteer that info. Yet when faced with a direct question, what's the best way to answer it, without sounding rude, but making it known that I don't want to talk about it?
I started avoiding women in general because men almost never ask me this. We talk about work and hobbies and I feel uplifted rather than intruded upon and reminded of something I already know too well.
"People always ask me that, and I never know what to say in response and it leaves me feeling bad."
Let them be the ones who feel bad in response to their callous, inappropriate questions. You don't have to hide from them the fact that they just made you uncomfortable.
posted by meese at 9:10 AM on August 29, 2015 [95 favorites]
Let them be the ones who feel bad in response to their callous, inappropriate questions. You don't have to hide from them the fact that they just made you uncomfortable.
posted by meese at 9:10 AM on August 29, 2015 [95 favorites]
I go for somewhere between snarky and sarcastic ---
Why do you want to know? (possibly paired with, Are you proposing to me?)
[frosty glare] Excuse me?!?
None of your business.
Screw being polite: these are people who are being rude to you, so why be polite to them!
posted by easily confused at 9:12 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Why do you want to know? (possibly paired with, Are you proposing to me?)
[frosty glare] Excuse me?!?
None of your business.
Screw being polite: these are people who are being rude to you, so why be polite to them!
posted by easily confused at 9:12 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
I like meese's suggestion. These people are being rude by asking, they don't deserve a polite answer, especially if it leaves you feeling bad.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 9:15 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I used to get this a lot. I would do something similar to what Omnomnom says and say "What a personal question" and then just not go further with it. I think those questions and comments are rude. In my culture they are definitely rude. However in other cultures adjacent to my culture there is more of a puppy-pile "Oh of course we all want the same things out of life" approach and people feel that it's part of their responsibility as a social animal to help me be a social animal too. This is extra difficult if you actually would like to be partnered but you just don't want other people to be a part of the process (I was happy being single, but some of my friends were not happy with me being single).
And then part of it is your own feeling of what's good manners. That is, you feel stuck because you feel that it's rude to tell these people to step off and yet they're also being rude by getting up in your business and this causes day-ruining agitation. I would try to make your peace with that part of the equation because the day-ruining agitation aspect of it is something you can work on within yourself (and I don't mean this like "It's your fault" but just... you can't change other people so when you get in a situation that you couldn't avoid, there are strategies you can employ). So having an ally who you could discuss these situations with, someone who could support you and be like "Oh man SO RUDE" is helpful. I used to sometimes feel weird when I'd get accosted by these people because at some level I'd feel like maybe they were right.... and in the absence of feedback from good friends, this would fester.
I've got a group of friends now that is more in line with what I want out of life. I have a partner, he's long distance, when people lament this for me I say, cheerfully but with finality "This is what works for us" and if they persist I just go all broken record on them with an increasingly confused expression "This is what works for us" as in "Why would you judge what is right for me, that's so weird..." Mindfulness can help with this, acknowledge your feelings "I feel stuck because I don't want to be rude back to this rude person" and see if you can let them float on by instead of picking at the scab of what happened. It's a hard-learned maxim but you can't change other people. Working on why you have intense reactions to them can sometimes be helpful.
posted by jessamyn at 9:18 AM on August 29, 2015 [13 favorites]
And then part of it is your own feeling of what's good manners. That is, you feel stuck because you feel that it's rude to tell these people to step off and yet they're also being rude by getting up in your business and this causes day-ruining agitation. I would try to make your peace with that part of the equation because the day-ruining agitation aspect of it is something you can work on within yourself (and I don't mean this like "It's your fault" but just... you can't change other people so when you get in a situation that you couldn't avoid, there are strategies you can employ). So having an ally who you could discuss these situations with, someone who could support you and be like "Oh man SO RUDE" is helpful. I used to sometimes feel weird when I'd get accosted by these people because at some level I'd feel like maybe they were right.... and in the absence of feedback from good friends, this would fester.
I've got a group of friends now that is more in line with what I want out of life. I have a partner, he's long distance, when people lament this for me I say, cheerfully but with finality "This is what works for us" and if they persist I just go all broken record on them with an increasingly confused expression "This is what works for us" as in "Why would you judge what is right for me, that's so weird..." Mindfulness can help with this, acknowledge your feelings "I feel stuck because I don't want to be rude back to this rude person" and see if you can let them float on by instead of picking at the scab of what happened. It's a hard-learned maxim but you can't change other people. Working on why you have intense reactions to them can sometimes be helpful.
posted by jessamyn at 9:18 AM on August 29, 2015 [13 favorites]
IN-appropriate! That's all you have to say. Accent on the IN obv.
posted by Slinga at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Slinga at 9:21 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I like to respond to, "Why are you single?" with "Because I'm not married." It works for me as a non-answer.
People who don't get that I'm purposely being obtuse and persist generally get, "That's such a bizarre question. Why would you ask me that?"
posted by kinetic at 9:23 AM on August 29, 2015 [25 favorites]
People who don't get that I'm purposely being obtuse and persist generally get, "That's such a bizarre question. Why would you ask me that?"
posted by kinetic at 9:23 AM on August 29, 2015 [25 favorites]
I was single at 30 and got that question a lot but I think it's a compliment- like I'm awesome- so how come I haven't been snapped up??? and I always just said- not met the right person yet, with a big smile...
posted by pairofshades at 9:26 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 9:26 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Less than half the eligible folks in the US are married. I have plenty of company.
posted by Oyéah at 9:30 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 9:30 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Why? Do you want to fuck me?"
posted by sexyrobot at 9:44 AM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 9:44 AM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
I usually say I'm an unrepentant asshole that lives day-to-day and so consider not bothering women my greatest gift to humanity, or "well, if you knew me, you wouldn't need to ask", which is usually passive-aggressive enough to give the point that I don't want to answer, that person shouldn't even be asking those questions, but at the same time jokey enough that it doesn't sound a complete fuck you.
posted by lmfsilva at 9:48 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by lmfsilva at 9:48 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
In my experience, this kind of thing usually comes from cluelessness and a poor attempt to make small talk. The easiest way to turn it around is to change the topic and then divert the line of questioning back on the other party. "No spouse, but I do have a labradoodle. Do you have any pets?" "Nope, still single, but I did start watching Sense8. Have you seen it?"
If you do this well, you can avoid ever having to talk about yourself and the other party doesn't even notice.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
If you do this well, you can avoid ever having to talk about yourself and the other party doesn't even notice.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2015 [7 favorites]
any time i hear anyone shame women with "time is running out!" i talk their ear off about 300 yr old catholic birth records and how they aren't really that useful to use as barometers for how women should live their lives.
posted by nadawi at 9:50 AM on August 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 9:50 AM on August 29, 2015 [8 favorites]
Like PhoBWanKenobi says. I've been single for over a decade, am nearly 40, and change the context.
"Because I'm a crazy cat lady. Let me show you the latest pics of Fluffy Cat and Ninja Kitty!"
as an extra bonus this also filters for people who can't stand cats
posted by MarionnetteFilleDeChaussette at 9:53 AM on August 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
"Because I'm a crazy cat lady. Let me show you the latest pics of Fluffy Cat and Ninja Kitty!"
as an extra bonus this also filters for people who can't stand cats
posted by MarionnetteFilleDeChaussette at 9:53 AM on August 29, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm a mid-30s woman (not single) who struggles more with conversational and social norms when talking with women than I do with men. Your question makes me wonder what kind of emotional cues you give off when you're casually asked about your partnered status, and whether it's contributing to people probing more and/or asking you again about the same topic the next time they see you.
Which isn't to say these folks aren't being intrusive or rude. I've just found that sometimes less is more in answering questions about topics I don't want to get into, and the more I let the question slide off me like something uninteresting, the less likely it is that people (often well-intentioned people, and often women because they're paying more attention to others' emotional states and notice if something's bothering me) will feel like they should bring the topic up again.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:56 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Which isn't to say these folks aren't being intrusive or rude. I've just found that sometimes less is more in answering questions about topics I don't want to get into, and the more I let the question slide off me like something uninteresting, the less likely it is that people (often well-intentioned people, and often women because they're paying more attention to others' emotional states and notice if something's bothering me) will feel like they should bring the topic up again.
posted by deludingmyself at 9:56 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
Give them a confused look, like you don't quite understand the question. "Why not?"
[Shrug] "High standards." (If they are being especially condescending, pointedly look at their SO, or give them a once-over.)
You're probably getting a mix of people who are clumsily complimenting you/making small talk (as noted above), and condescending jerks. The jerks might actually be regretting some of their life choices, and are just trying to make themselves feel better (hey, at least I'm not single). It could be someone who hasn't realized what you already know: being single is better than a bad relationship, and I'd say singledom is better than anything but a really good relationship, but that may or may not be true for everyone.
Remind yourself how crazy that question is: They're asking why life is the way it is. In a way, they're asking either 1) why haven't you met and evaluated everyone on earth as as potential partner or 2) why you haven't just grabbed person B off the shelf to fill slot A in the pre-scripted narrative of your life.
For the jerks, in your head (or out loud for extra fun) turn the question around. Why did they marry Bob? When/why did they decide he was the one? What if they never met Bob, or didn't meet him for another 10 years, would they have married someone else? Do they know who their backup husband is? What if Bob isn't the one, a wealthy aristocrat is and you actually met him tomorrow?
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:04 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
[Shrug] "High standards." (If they are being especially condescending, pointedly look at their SO, or give them a once-over.)
You're probably getting a mix of people who are clumsily complimenting you/making small talk (as noted above), and condescending jerks. The jerks might actually be regretting some of their life choices, and are just trying to make themselves feel better (hey, at least I'm not single). It could be someone who hasn't realized what you already know: being single is better than a bad relationship, and I'd say singledom is better than anything but a really good relationship, but that may or may not be true for everyone.
Remind yourself how crazy that question is: They're asking why life is the way it is. In a way, they're asking either 1) why haven't you met and evaluated everyone on earth as as potential partner or 2) why you haven't just grabbed person B off the shelf to fill slot A in the pre-scripted narrative of your life.
For the jerks, in your head (or out loud for extra fun) turn the question around. Why did they marry Bob? When/why did they decide he was the one? What if they never met Bob, or didn't meet him for another 10 years, would they have married someone else? Do they know who their backup husband is? What if Bob isn't the one, a wealthy aristocrat is and you actually met him tomorrow?
posted by ghost phoneme at 10:04 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
"If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:22 AM on August 29, 2015 [31 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:22 AM on August 29, 2015 [31 favorites]
After watching this happen to one of my employees five times in one day I measured her finger and bought her a ring. That is not going to work with family but it sure did stop that shit at work.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 10:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 10:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
The only person I've ever asked that of was an ex, who I think is an awesome guy and I'm shocked (SHOCKED I tell you!) that every marriageable girl he meets isn't desperately trying to snag him. So I imagine that these people are trying to compliment you but going about it in a clunky manner. I'd probably say, "I'm not looking too hard," if I were in your position and wanted to end the conversation.
posted by jabes at 10:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jabes at 10:25 AM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Other posters had had great advice for dealing with the dating conversation once it has started. I'd try not even engaging with the premise - unless you want to discuss your dating history, you can redirect the conversation as soon as they ask about a partner. I suspect that most people are just looking for something to talk about. So, rather than answering the question and letting them come up with a follow up that's likely to be related, answer the question (or not) and immediately follow with something that you do want to talk about.
I might not be quite as explicit/aggressive with an acquaintance, but I had spectacular success with a relative who always asked me about my love life. I'm pretty sure that she did this because marrying well was very important to her, and she wanted to show interest in my life. One year, I knew it was coming, so I was prepared to cue her in on what I think is important / am willing to talk about:
Aunt: So, are you dating anybody?
Me: Since we last talked, I've had an awesome year. This included [list of impressive things, with plenty of good conversational hooks] and you ask me about boys?
I had a snarkier followup planned, but didn't have to use it. In the years since, this relative has not once asked about my love life, and instead focuses on the things I made clear were important to me: career, hobbies, travel.
posted by Metasyntactic at 10:27 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
I might not be quite as explicit/aggressive with an acquaintance, but I had spectacular success with a relative who always asked me about my love life. I'm pretty sure that she did this because marrying well was very important to her, and she wanted to show interest in my life. One year, I knew it was coming, so I was prepared to cue her in on what I think is important / am willing to talk about:
Aunt: So, are you dating anybody?
Me: Since we last talked, I've had an awesome year. This included [list of impressive things, with plenty of good conversational hooks] and you ask me about boys?
I had a snarkier followup planned, but didn't have to use it. In the years since, this relative has not once asked about my love life, and instead focuses on the things I made clear were important to me: career, hobbies, travel.
posted by Metasyntactic at 10:27 AM on August 29, 2015 [5 favorites]
That question--and its corollary when you are married--'why don't you have children?' are both truly maddening. I know that people who ask that first question would tell you they mean it as a compliment--gosh, you don't look like Quasimodo, so what's the problem? but you have to keep in mind it is really about maintaining the status quo and, in my opinion, a form of one-upsmanship, and not small talk at all--can you imagine an unmarried acquaintance asking this of another?
Therefore in my single years I avoided sarcasm, snark, or anything that could in any way be construed as defensive. For relatives, co-workers, and potential genuine friends: smiling, shrugging, and changing the subject should do it.
If not, and for all others: look mildly astonished, as if no one had ever asked you that question before. Look amazed and amused by their amazing gall. How would you respond if someone asked you how much you weigh, or how much you earn, how often you have sex? Look at them that way. And if they persist--and some will, protesting they just can't understand why someone so pretty is still single--go ahead and ask them, very nicely, from sincere friendly curiousity,
how much they weigh, how much they earn, how often they have sex.
posted by uans at 10:35 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
Therefore in my single years I avoided sarcasm, snark, or anything that could in any way be construed as defensive. For relatives, co-workers, and potential genuine friends: smiling, shrugging, and changing the subject should do it.
If not, and for all others: look mildly astonished, as if no one had ever asked you that question before. Look amazed and amused by their amazing gall. How would you respond if someone asked you how much you weigh, or how much you earn, how often you have sex? Look at them that way. And if they persist--and some will, protesting they just can't understand why someone so pretty is still single--go ahead and ask them, very nicely, from sincere friendly curiousity,
how much they weigh, how much they earn, how often they have sex.
posted by uans at 10:35 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
I think it helps to imagine that they mean well, and that's usually the case. I get that all the time about being married but not having any kids. It mildly annoys me, and I've still almost done the exact same thing to other people about being single or childless. (Fortunately, I've always caught myself before saying it, as far as I know)
It's supposed to be a compliment in the sense of, hey, I like you. You're such a great person, I can't be the only person who likes you. I bet the fact that you are single is not because of a lack of interest from other people. Therefore, your single status must be a result of your own personal choice. There are many possible explanations for even that, such as "not interested in trying," "high standards," "extraordinary bad luck," and more. I feel like we're good enough friends to talk about things on a more personal level (not deeply personal, just non-work on occasion) so if you'd like to share more about that, it would interest me.
Which can totally turn into a tl;dr "Why no partner" remark.
On the other hand, it can also be a veiled "Are you secretly the mythical crazy girlfriend no man can put up with?" attack intentionally asked to keep you on the defensive in the conversation. I don't think that's what you're asking about, though.
posted by ctmf at 10:44 AM on August 29, 2015
It's supposed to be a compliment in the sense of, hey, I like you. You're such a great person, I can't be the only person who likes you. I bet the fact that you are single is not because of a lack of interest from other people. Therefore, your single status must be a result of your own personal choice. There are many possible explanations for even that, such as "not interested in trying," "high standards," "extraordinary bad luck," and more. I feel like we're good enough friends to talk about things on a more personal level (not deeply personal, just non-work on occasion) so if you'd like to share more about that, it would interest me.
Which can totally turn into a tl;dr "Why no partner" remark.
On the other hand, it can also be a veiled "Are you secretly the mythical crazy girlfriend no man can put up with?" attack intentionally asked to keep you on the defensive in the conversation. I don't think that's what you're asking about, though.
posted by ctmf at 10:44 AM on August 29, 2015
So I guess I take a question like that less as a literal request for information and more as a bid to take the relationship slightly more in the friend direction. You're welcome to politely steer it back to "professional only, buddy" without offense. What people don't realize is that for many people, that topic is sensitive enough to be jumping inappropriately right into "deepest friend and confidant" territory.
posted by ctmf at 10:51 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 10:51 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
There are at least two issues here:
1. How to answer the question;
2. How not to feel bad when someone asks.
1: your best bet is either keep it light and optimistic ("I'm just waiting for that special someone" ) or light and sarcastic ("because I'm not married" [as suggested above]" or "are you propositioning me?" or "it is hard to find a good match for someone this awesome" ).
Whatever direction you go, be sure and *close* the topic and redirect the conversation on to something else. You do this both with tone of voice and by having a redirect handy.
From your description, the thing to avoid is the earnest or truthful answer; this will open you up to a line of questioning you want to avoid.
2: I understand why the question is annoying, but I doubt the women are trying to be hurtful. Women are socialized to talk about relationships, and many of them are attempting to signal how great they think you are, however carelessly.
When things like this get under my skin, I try and think about why it is bothering me. One possibility is that you have some unresolved issues about being single that would be good to work through. When I am totally comfortable about some aspect of my life, other people's rude or clueless interventions really don't register.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:56 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
1. How to answer the question;
2. How not to feel bad when someone asks.
1: your best bet is either keep it light and optimistic ("I'm just waiting for that special someone" ) or light and sarcastic ("because I'm not married" [as suggested above]" or "are you propositioning me?" or "it is hard to find a good match for someone this awesome" ).
Whatever direction you go, be sure and *close* the topic and redirect the conversation on to something else. You do this both with tone of voice and by having a redirect handy.
From your description, the thing to avoid is the earnest or truthful answer; this will open you up to a line of questioning you want to avoid.
2: I understand why the question is annoying, but I doubt the women are trying to be hurtful. Women are socialized to talk about relationships, and many of them are attempting to signal how great they think you are, however carelessly.
When things like this get under my skin, I try and think about why it is bothering me. One possibility is that you have some unresolved issues about being single that would be good to work through. When I am totally comfortable about some aspect of my life, other people's rude or clueless interventions really don't register.
posted by girl flaneur at 10:56 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
"It suits me." (And it does, far better than a bad relationship would (and did).) Follow-up depending on the situation: "Why aren't you single?" Which sometimes makes the asker so visibly uncomfortable*, I feel like I'm doing some other single person a solid because it's less likely the title question in this ask will be sprung on someone else.
* I've actually gotten honest answers along the lines of, It was just the done thing at the time, and I don't know that I'd marry ___ again, and It's kind of nice there are more choices nowadays.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:00 AM on August 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
* I've actually gotten honest answers along the lines of, It was just the done thing at the time, and I don't know that I'd marry ___ again, and It's kind of nice there are more choices nowadays.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:00 AM on August 29, 2015 [20 favorites]
Personally I don't really care why this is being asked. It's intrusive and rude in most if not all contexts irrespective of whether the aim is to befriend you or be unpleasant. Where you're coming unstuck with the example responses you provide is that you engage with these people on a topic you don't want to engage in. So don't engage. Plenty of responses as to how to achieve that with varying degrees of directness. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who can respect your preferences.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:04 AM on August 29, 2015
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:04 AM on August 29, 2015
I'm in the same boat as you, and a shrug and "I have high standards" (or sometimes, "I have high standards") shuts things down nicely.
posted by TwoStride at 11:08 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by TwoStride at 11:08 AM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I had a female friend that used to answer this question with a slight smile and, "Because I still get laid all I want." It generally shut down most.
posted by AugustWest at 11:23 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 11:23 AM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
"There's so many examples of bad relationships out there, I'm holding out for the right one......by the way, how's your relationship doing?"
posted by diode at 11:42 AM on August 29, 2015
posted by diode at 11:42 AM on August 29, 2015
Someone posted a very similar question here before, I believe, because I vaguely recall answering it. (Not to make you feel bad for asking it, just to suggest that if you wanted to do a search, you might find more answers.) I used to answer the "Why are you single?" question by joking, "If I knew that, I wouldn't be single, haha!" They'd usually just reply "Haha" and that would be the end of it. At around 30, I started to get a bit annoyed and I'd just say, "Because men prefer thin, pretty woman." And they would say, "Oh but you're...umm...well..." and then I could actually see them panic, not knowing how to recover, and that was kind of fun. I don't have to answer the question anymore, because at some point in my mid-30s, people stopped asking. Which is nice in one sense yet depressing in another. I think if anyone asked me now, I might say, "Why are you married?" But I also quite like "Why do you ask?"
Btw I think the people who ask this sort of thing honestly have never considered that anyone could be single for "no reason." In their mind, if you are single you must have recently gotten out of a serious relationship, or you are opposed to relationships on principle, or possibly you are in a secret relationship and they want to find out the truth. It doesn't make it any less rude or difficult to answer, but I don't think they realize they're basically asking you to sum up your deficiencies.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:43 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
Btw I think the people who ask this sort of thing honestly have never considered that anyone could be single for "no reason." In their mind, if you are single you must have recently gotten out of a serious relationship, or you are opposed to relationships on principle, or possibly you are in a secret relationship and they want to find out the truth. It doesn't make it any less rude or difficult to answer, but I don't think they realize they're basically asking you to sum up your deficiencies.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:43 AM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) "wow, that is an incredibly rude question" crickets, while they melt into the floor in embarrassment
2) "if you can tell me in 25 words or fewer, graded for style and punctuation, why that is ever so slightly any of your business, I'll be happy to answer your question"
posted by supermedusa at 12:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
2) "if you can tell me in 25 words or fewer, graded for style and punctuation, why that is ever so slightly any of your business, I'll be happy to answer your question"
posted by supermedusa at 12:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm assuming the people asking are the types of people you don't really want to be rude or snappy to. But just because they asked a question doesn't mean you have to answer it.
Depending on the context, a simple "Let's talk about something else," said with a smile on your face combined with a new suggested topic, could work well enough at deflecting the question while not making you or them feel terrible or creating a very awkward situation.
Keep in mind it's possible they really don't know what else to talk to you about, especially if you aren't aware of anything you have in common with them.
posted by wondermouse at 12:02 PM on August 29, 2015
Depending on the context, a simple "Let's talk about something else," said with a smile on your face combined with a new suggested topic, could work well enough at deflecting the question while not making you or them feel terrible or creating a very awkward situation.
Keep in mind it's possible they really don't know what else to talk to you about, especially if you aren't aware of anything you have in common with them.
posted by wondermouse at 12:02 PM on August 29, 2015
"What a funny question!"
with the accent on "funny" so it sounds like I mean silly and unusual rather than rude. Because people don't mean to be rude. People don't realize that for many of us, being single is like being the color/race/ethnic background we are, something over which we really have no control. They think it's more like asking, "Why haven't you gotten a driver's license yet?" when you're 16.
I am told that I deliver, "What a funny question!" with such aplomb that nobody could ever tell that I am not 100% in favor of my own existence (and possibly trying very hard not to let on that I feel a little sorry for the tied-down person asking).
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:15 PM on August 29, 2015
with the accent on "funny" so it sounds like I mean silly and unusual rather than rude. Because people don't mean to be rude. People don't realize that for many of us, being single is like being the color/race/ethnic background we are, something over which we really have no control. They think it's more like asking, "Why haven't you gotten a driver's license yet?" when you're 16.
I am told that I deliver, "What a funny question!" with such aplomb that nobody could ever tell that I am not 100% in favor of my own existence (and possibly trying very hard not to let on that I feel a little sorry for the tied-down person asking).
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:15 PM on August 29, 2015
"I have enough problems"
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:33 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 1:33 PM on August 29, 2015 [12 favorites]
"It wouldn't be fair to marry... not... not after... not now." Downcast eyes, hurried departure.
"I only bone already-married men. I lost a bet. Well. No [slow-blooming private smile], I won that bet, actually. As it turns out..."
"Ha ha haaaaaaaaa, oh, girl! The stories I could tell!"
Or just feint a few punches at their heads and run off.
People who do this make me ill. Also there is no foolproof way to escape them. Even if you couple up to avoid the onslaught, if you're with somebody they decide they don't like they'll start up with "Are you still with X? You know you can do better." yeah? YEAH? Can I really? You mean better like you with your trainwreck life? "O we're just so blessed! We like to think some of our happiness might rub off on our sadder friends!" Shut up, rudies! Ain' nobody want to be you! Shut up for all time!
posted by Don Pepino at 2:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
"I only bone already-married men. I lost a bet. Well. No [slow-blooming private smile], I won that bet, actually. As it turns out..."
"Ha ha haaaaaaaaa, oh, girl! The stories I could tell!"
Or just feint a few punches at their heads and run off.
People who do this make me ill. Also there is no foolproof way to escape them. Even if you couple up to avoid the onslaught, if you're with somebody they decide they don't like they'll start up with "Are you still with X? You know you can do better." yeah? YEAH? Can I really? You mean better like you with your trainwreck life? "O we're just so blessed! We like to think some of our happiness might rub off on our sadder friends!" Shut up, rudies! Ain' nobody want to be you! Shut up for all time!
posted by Don Pepino at 2:10 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
"What?? It sounds like you're asking what's wrong with me."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:12 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:12 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm also a single woman approaching the mid 30s... and I think it depends on who are the people asking, whether the people asking know me well and whether they have asked me this question repeatedly.
If they ask the first time, I would gently say that "this is what works for me".
Any questioning on "why" would be time for a change of subject about the weather, the local sports team or (insert subject in your friends' circle).
If someone asks again repeatedly... then that would be a fine time to let them know that you don't really appreciate the reasoning. And after that... "I wonder why you're so interested in whether I'm single or not." Because people being obsessed about single people being single, however well intentioned, can become pretty annoying...
posted by Tsukushi at 2:25 PM on August 29, 2015
If they ask the first time, I would gently say that "this is what works for me".
Any questioning on "why" would be time for a change of subject about the weather, the local sports team or (insert subject in your friends' circle).
If someone asks again repeatedly... then that would be a fine time to let them know that you don't really appreciate the reasoning. And after that... "I wonder why you're so interested in whether I'm single or not." Because people being obsessed about single people being single, however well intentioned, can become pretty annoying...
posted by Tsukushi at 2:25 PM on August 29, 2015
"Frankly, I'm happy with my life and the way that I live. And that's what matters."
posted by invisible ink at 2:32 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by invisible ink at 2:32 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you can get away with it: "But, Person's Name, this is so sudden!"
If you can't, "I don't know, why do you ask?" It's really nobody's business. You could also go with "That's a really personal question. How about them Sports Team?"
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:47 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you can't, "I don't know, why do you ask?" It's really nobody's business. You could also go with "That's a really personal question. How about them Sports Team?"
posted by blnkfrnk at 2:47 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I always used to say that I was enjoying my life way too much to want to change anything. (Which was true. And did discourage questions like that.)
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 3:42 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 3:42 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Asking this question is hella rude, of course it is. But being rude back tends to make me feel crappy even if the return rudeness was deserved. Consider taking a somewhat different approach, by addressing the glory that is being single:
Q. Why are you still single?
A. Because it is fantastic! I do what I want, when I want. Every. Single. Day.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:59 PM on August 29, 2015 [13 favorites]
Q. Why are you still single?
A. Because it is fantastic! I do what I want, when I want. Every. Single. Day.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:59 PM on August 29, 2015 [13 favorites]
Second those suggesting to offer a light, vague, or jokey answer that is not antagonistic, followed by a redirect. Don't give people an opening to offer advice or other commentary. If you treat it as an unimportant question, all but the most clueless or rude (or perhaps the most invested, in the case of some family members) will follow suit.
I just smile and say, "I'm working on it!". I know what "it" means to me (just at the moment, it happens not to be dating); they don't have to. Then, I ask them about their upcoming or recent vacation (because everyone wants to talk about their upcoming or recent vacation). Then, I talk about whatever it is I want to talk about.
Most of your interlocutors don't have malicious intentions, they're just working off norms, and maybe have some assumptions about you. It's unlikely you'll succeed in challenging their views on marriage etc in that kind of conversation (though you might in another exchange, framed differently). You can challenge their assumptions about you by making this question a non-issue.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I just smile and say, "I'm working on it!". I know what "it" means to me (just at the moment, it happens not to be dating); they don't have to. Then, I ask them about their upcoming or recent vacation (because everyone wants to talk about their upcoming or recent vacation). Then, I talk about whatever it is I want to talk about.
Most of your interlocutors don't have malicious intentions, they're just working off norms, and maybe have some assumptions about you. It's unlikely you'll succeed in challenging their views on marriage etc in that kind of conversation (though you might in another exchange, framed differently). You can challenge their assumptions about you by making this question a non-issue.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:01 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
A rather snarky one I thought up when talking to fellow single friends: " I am skipping my first divorce."
posted by weathergal at 4:39 PM on August 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
posted by weathergal at 4:39 PM on August 29, 2015 [15 favorites]
My terrible advice is to go back in time and develop a personality, as I have, which absolutely forbids the asking of intrusive questions by like 90% of people. Who would dare? I have murder in my eyes at all times.
My better advice is to become comfortable with pointing out this unbelievable rudeness to people. You can do this in the traditional miss manners way by saying something like "how kind of you to inquire after me, please don't trouble yourself on my account". This is stiff and formal and sort of sarcastic enough that it often reminds people of being chastised as children by adults, and will usually stop them immediately, especially if it is at great odds with your usual manner of speaking.
Or you can simply say "what a rude and intrusive question" in whatever tone you find comfortable - maybe astonished, maybe disgusted, maybe wounded.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:54 PM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
My better advice is to become comfortable with pointing out this unbelievable rudeness to people. You can do this in the traditional miss manners way by saying something like "how kind of you to inquire after me, please don't trouble yourself on my account". This is stiff and formal and sort of sarcastic enough that it often reminds people of being chastised as children by adults, and will usually stop them immediately, especially if it is at great odds with your usual manner of speaking.
Or you can simply say "what a rude and intrusive question" in whatever tone you find comfortable - maybe astonished, maybe disgusted, maybe wounded.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:54 PM on August 29, 2015 [6 favorites]
"Why wouldn't I be?" (Or "why shouldn't I be?")
posted by quincunx at 4:56 PM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 4:56 PM on August 29, 2015 [4 favorites]
Maybe they're trying to set you up but are trying to test the waters to see if you'll be up for it?
posted by lunastellasol at 5:47 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by lunastellasol at 5:47 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why not just say "I prefer it"? Or "I don't want to talk about it"? Or "I have other priorities"?
I get that it can feel intrusive if you're insecure, but it's actually also a pretty normal question. Most people like having someone (or multiple someones) in their life. Some people are involuntarily single, and with some of them, it's pretty obvious why. Some other people choose to be single, and it's always interesting to hear why people choose to buck the trend. Obviously, people who ask you this assume you'd be snagged up if you wanted to be in a relationship, but choose not to be.
(When I was in my "I don't believe in the institution of marriage phase", I loved to share my reasons for not believing in marriage, whenever people asked "why aren't you married?" I can still tell you the reasons, and I still don't support the mix of religion and law. But I can certainly see why people do get married as well.)
If I were interested in setting my friends up (which I have done successfully once), I would want to know why each is single, and if they are interested in looking. Also, most people consider their relationship status an important part of their identity, so they're trying to get to know you better (or to keep up to date with you).
It's like... everybody wants to ask how me and my husband met, because most people have good stories about that. We met online, so it's not exciting, and I did feel a bit insecure about that. But I got used to saying in a matter-of-fact way, "We met online." And people sometimes will say something like "oh, lots of people meet online" or "that's cool" or "well, you have a really good relationship" and then drop it, and it's actually not as big a deal as I thought it was. People were only awkward because they expected a story and didn't get one. I usually follow up with a fun story from an early date. (You could follow up with some awesome thing you got to do by yourself.)
Basically, I think in most cases it's small talk. (Men wouldn't ask you this, because it would be flirting.) And it's not hostile so I don't see why you should be offensive to the asker.
posted by ethidda at 6:51 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I get that it can feel intrusive if you're insecure, but it's actually also a pretty normal question. Most people like having someone (or multiple someones) in their life. Some people are involuntarily single, and with some of them, it's pretty obvious why. Some other people choose to be single, and it's always interesting to hear why people choose to buck the trend. Obviously, people who ask you this assume you'd be snagged up if you wanted to be in a relationship, but choose not to be.
(When I was in my "I don't believe in the institution of marriage phase", I loved to share my reasons for not believing in marriage, whenever people asked "why aren't you married?" I can still tell you the reasons, and I still don't support the mix of religion and law. But I can certainly see why people do get married as well.)
If I were interested in setting my friends up (which I have done successfully once), I would want to know why each is single, and if they are interested in looking. Also, most people consider their relationship status an important part of their identity, so they're trying to get to know you better (or to keep up to date with you).
It's like... everybody wants to ask how me and my husband met, because most people have good stories about that. We met online, so it's not exciting, and I did feel a bit insecure about that. But I got used to saying in a matter-of-fact way, "We met online." And people sometimes will say something like "oh, lots of people meet online" or "that's cool" or "well, you have a really good relationship" and then drop it, and it's actually not as big a deal as I thought it was. People were only awkward because they expected a story and didn't get one. I usually follow up with a fun story from an early date. (You could follow up with some awesome thing you got to do by yourself.)
Basically, I think in most cases it's small talk. (Men wouldn't ask you this, because it would be flirting.) And it's not hostile so I don't see why you should be offensive to the asker.
posted by ethidda at 6:51 PM on August 29, 2015 [3 favorites]
I am no longer single but I get the baby question all the time, and it hurts all the more because we actually *are* trying really hard, but have some medical issues I don't always care to go into with, say, co-workers :-) I used to answer such questions with 'when the Lord will sit to be so" but I am getting to the point where I want to more aggressively inform people that such questions are not welcome. So I am practicing "that is a REALLY personal question!" accompanied by a chipper smile, and that is my new answer :-)
posted by JoannaC at 8:12 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by JoannaC at 8:12 PM on August 29, 2015 [2 favorites]
I used to deal with questions like that when I was single with a very icy smile and a ludicrously cliched non-sequitur like, "The Mets played well last night, huh?" or "Isn't it lovely weather?" That usually got the point across very quickly and no one ever tried it twice.
posted by holborne at 8:27 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by holborne at 8:27 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Just one of those things, I guess," or "I don't know," followed by a shrug and a change of subject seemed to do the trick for me when my social circle was going through that phase.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:57 PM on August 29, 2015
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:57 PM on August 29, 2015
I've told people that I'm dating but nothing serious yet. This usually shuts down follow up questions.
posted by raw sugar at 10:10 PM on August 29, 2015
posted by raw sugar at 10:10 PM on August 29, 2015
Well, no matter what retort you give, I think the problem is that it ruins your day. You're the one letting that happen.
I mean, I don't really find that anything shuts the conversation down, per se, and near strangers are always reminding me of my age and looming undateability and unchildability in casual conversation, which I think is basically insane in addition to rude and boring. But I don't let rude boring insane things ruin my life.
The thing is too, visually not being upset about it, like genuinely not upset, not fake fine, drives those nosy age reminding people nuts. They can't fathom why you're not getting super upset and they can't give you advice while patting themselves on the back for finding a partner. so it's a win win. Just feel good.
posted by zutalors! at 11:24 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
I mean, I don't really find that anything shuts the conversation down, per se, and near strangers are always reminding me of my age and looming undateability and unchildability in casual conversation, which I think is basically insane in addition to rude and boring. But I don't let rude boring insane things ruin my life.
The thing is too, visually not being upset about it, like genuinely not upset, not fake fine, drives those nosy age reminding people nuts. They can't fathom why you're not getting super upset and they can't give you advice while patting themselves on the back for finding a partner. so it's a win win. Just feel good.
posted by zutalors! at 11:24 PM on August 29, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I'm not. I'm double."
posted by persona au gratin at 3:40 AM on August 30, 2015
posted by persona au gratin at 3:40 AM on August 30, 2015
A completely undefensive:
"I'm happier single"
*Big Manic Smile!*
(If you have trouble with genuinely saying the above statement, the unsaid corollary is "I'm happier single than in a relationship with the people I currently have the opportunity to be in a relationship with").
posted by Elysum at 5:34 AM on August 30, 2015
"I'm happier single"
*Big Manic Smile!*
(If you have trouble with genuinely saying the above statement, the unsaid corollary is "I'm happier single than in a relationship with the people I currently have the opportunity to be in a relationship with").
posted by Elysum at 5:34 AM on August 30, 2015
I rotate around a few answers depending on the vibe and how I'm feeling.
"Because I'm so good at it" (only if I can say it with cheerful truth)
"Still looking for the right one, do you know someone awesome for me?" (Older people especially love this for some reason and in my experience, it actually shuts the conversation down pretty fast, I think because it puts the ball firmly back in their court. I've never actually gotten a set up out of this but that could be fun too).
"I don't know, why *am* I single?" (Again, cheerful and friendly, but kind of serious, like it's a big philosophical question they have the answer to and I'm ready to hear their revelation. Also seems to shut this subject down pretty quickly as people would rather move on than do any actual conversational work on this topic...)
"Just unlucky at love, I guess, and sadly at cards too, but I have a great cat."
"I know, it's not fair, I have friends who already on their * second* weddings!"
I think this is just people being kind of unimaginative and thoughtless in conversation and I try not to take it, or treat it, too seriously. I think it's one of those things that has as much conversational weightiness as your emotional response gives to it and in general it works best for me to treat it lightly and move on.
Sometimes I also take it as an opening/excuse to ask people questions about their relationship experiences, because I'm nosy and love hearing about them and sometimes people will tell you very interesting, personal, and surprising things if you make an opening and listen kindly. Most of the things I said, I could follow up with questions like, "what do you miss most/like best about being single?" "what was the most surprising to you about being married/partnered?" " If you were single again, what would you do differently?" etc.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:55 AM on August 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Because I'm so good at it" (only if I can say it with cheerful truth)
"Still looking for the right one, do you know someone awesome for me?" (Older people especially love this for some reason and in my experience, it actually shuts the conversation down pretty fast, I think because it puts the ball firmly back in their court. I've never actually gotten a set up out of this but that could be fun too).
"I don't know, why *am* I single?" (Again, cheerful and friendly, but kind of serious, like it's a big philosophical question they have the answer to and I'm ready to hear their revelation. Also seems to shut this subject down pretty quickly as people would rather move on than do any actual conversational work on this topic...)
"Just unlucky at love, I guess, and sadly at cards too, but I have a great cat."
"I know, it's not fair, I have friends who already on their * second* weddings!"
I think this is just people being kind of unimaginative and thoughtless in conversation and I try not to take it, or treat it, too seriously. I think it's one of those things that has as much conversational weightiness as your emotional response gives to it and in general it works best for me to treat it lightly and move on.
Sometimes I also take it as an opening/excuse to ask people questions about their relationship experiences, because I'm nosy and love hearing about them and sometimes people will tell you very interesting, personal, and surprising things if you make an opening and listen kindly. Most of the things I said, I could follow up with questions like, "what do you miss most/like best about being single?" "what was the most surprising to you about being married/partnered?" " If you were single again, what would you do differently?" etc.
posted by Salamandrous at 5:55 AM on August 30, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Because I love having the freedom to do what I want, when I want!"
My defense used to be to keep it positive. People who ask this question are generally miserable about some aspect of their locked down lives and are trying to project their crap on you. Shut them down by responding with energy that says how utterly happy you are with your life as is. Because you are! Because it's awesome!
I used to think this was silly, but now that I'm married and on the other side, this is the truth. I am utterly happy with Mr. floweredfish, and that is why neither one of us pester our single friends with these uncomfortable questions, including "so when are you getting married?!" They are rude, prying questions!
Also, people who expect explanations and a standard reaction of shame need to go take a flying leap.
We are now facing the baby question and my response is "wow, that's a really personal question!" Followed by an uncomfortable silence. It's because we do want kids but are running into issues similar to what someone else mentioned. People who ask these things simply do not think about how it hurts -single, childless, but these questions all reek of shame induction.
posted by floweredfish at 8:44 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My defense used to be to keep it positive. People who ask this question are generally miserable about some aspect of their locked down lives and are trying to project their crap on you. Shut them down by responding with energy that says how utterly happy you are with your life as is. Because you are! Because it's awesome!
I used to think this was silly, but now that I'm married and on the other side, this is the truth. I am utterly happy with Mr. floweredfish, and that is why neither one of us pester our single friends with these uncomfortable questions, including "so when are you getting married?!" They are rude, prying questions!
Also, people who expect explanations and a standard reaction of shame need to go take a flying leap.
We are now facing the baby question and my response is "wow, that's a really personal question!" Followed by an uncomfortable silence. It's because we do want kids but are running into issues similar to what someone else mentioned. People who ask these things simply do not think about how it hurts -single, childless, but these questions all reek of shame induction.
posted by floweredfish at 8:44 AM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
My uncle once said to my grandmother, "what's wrong with palomar, that she's not married yet?" I'm still really mad that she didn't ask him what the hell's wrong with him, that he's been married four times and still hasn't gotten it right. Because that's sure what I would have fired right back at him had he said that in my presence, and I'd have done it with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart, because fuck that shit. Ain't nothing wrong with me, son. I'm smart enough to recognize a bad deal and back out before I'm legally bound to it, just saying.
Luckily, most people asking why you're single aren't going to be as malignantly stupid as my uncle, bless his heart. Usually when I get asked about why I'm single, it's coming from someone who doesn't know me well (or at all) and is really bad at making small talk. Like, exceptionally bad. If it's a relative, a social acquaintance, some setting where I can't easily get away with shutting down conversation I might gently dodge and redirect, maybe with something like, "Oh, you know, just so busy with other things," and then inquire after them. Get people talking about themselves instead of you, which is pretty easy. If it's a complete stranger, a coworker I don't especially like, a really intrusive waiter, whatever, I just shut it down, as appropriately as I can. Lots of good suggestions up-thread depending on what kind of setting this most often happens to you. I like a nice all-purpose Miss Manners inspired sort of bland WASP-ishness. "What an interesting question. I'm not sure how to respond to it." And then just stare sort of expectantly at them and wait, like, what now, homie? You just made things weird with your party foul.
posted by palomar at 9:55 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
Luckily, most people asking why you're single aren't going to be as malignantly stupid as my uncle, bless his heart. Usually when I get asked about why I'm single, it's coming from someone who doesn't know me well (or at all) and is really bad at making small talk. Like, exceptionally bad. If it's a relative, a social acquaintance, some setting where I can't easily get away with shutting down conversation I might gently dodge and redirect, maybe with something like, "Oh, you know, just so busy with other things," and then inquire after them. Get people talking about themselves instead of you, which is pretty easy. If it's a complete stranger, a coworker I don't especially like, a really intrusive waiter, whatever, I just shut it down, as appropriately as I can. Lots of good suggestions up-thread depending on what kind of setting this most often happens to you. I like a nice all-purpose Miss Manners inspired sort of bland WASP-ishness. "What an interesting question. I'm not sure how to respond to it." And then just stare sort of expectantly at them and wait, like, what now, homie? You just made things weird with your party foul.
posted by palomar at 9:55 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
I usually smile and say, 'I already have a lovely harem of devoted men who are awesome. But if a position opens up, you'll be the first to know!'
NB: Don't use this on your 94-year-old grandmother.
posted by culfinglin at 11:02 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
NB: Don't use this on your 94-year-old grandmother.
posted by culfinglin at 11:02 AM on August 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
"By now, I'm wondering if they're even giving Dzhokhar my letters!"
posted by klangklangston at 11:20 AM on August 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 11:20 AM on August 30, 2015 [4 favorites]
"why put up with the bull when you can get the horns for free?"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:29 PM on August 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:29 PM on August 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I used to sigh, look them deeply in the eye and say, with as mournful a look as possible: "crotch fungus. It's a curse."
Sometimes I'd even have to stifle a sob.
posted by rpfields at 3:33 PM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sometimes I'd even have to stifle a sob.
posted by rpfields at 3:33 PM on August 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
Why do you think people ask you about your relationship status? Do you think they're trying to put you down? To make you feel inferior? In my experience, most people are not so nasty as that.
I remember after my first bad breakup, I visited relatives and everyone asked me "how things were going with the ladies…" It was obviously the last thing I wanted to talk about. I knew that they cared about me, and this was their expression of it.
If you respond to people's genuine concern by making the moment as awkward as possible, or worse by throwing their good intentions back into their faces, then people are going to understandably avoid you. Besides isolating you, this kind of reaction also makes you seem very insecure. Is that how you want to come across?
Why not try to see things from their perspective? They care about you and they are trying to empathize with your situation. They don't realize that you're so sensitive about this topic. If you see these comments as the expression of friendliness, I think you'll feel less put off by them.
The main problem here isn't that people are asking you things you want to avoid. The main problem is your insecurity, which is something you can work on by trying to be more comfortable in your own skin. Do you feel judged? Do you feel pitied? Do you feel left behind? I feel like these questions might make you uncomfortable today, but in the long run, they won't. You're doing the best you can and you can take unlimited pride in doing the best you can.
If someone puts you on the spot, and you like them as a person, encourage but redirect their genuine interest in your life. "Thanks for asking :) I'm still meeting people…" Try to keep every conversation positive. Politeness costs nothing and it pays dividends. They're no harm in having more friends who are looking out for you.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 3:50 PM on August 30, 2015
I remember after my first bad breakup, I visited relatives and everyone asked me "how things were going with the ladies…" It was obviously the last thing I wanted to talk about. I knew that they cared about me, and this was their expression of it.
If you respond to people's genuine concern by making the moment as awkward as possible, or worse by throwing their good intentions back into their faces, then people are going to understandably avoid you. Besides isolating you, this kind of reaction also makes you seem very insecure. Is that how you want to come across?
Why not try to see things from their perspective? They care about you and they are trying to empathize with your situation. They don't realize that you're so sensitive about this topic. If you see these comments as the expression of friendliness, I think you'll feel less put off by them.
The main problem here isn't that people are asking you things you want to avoid. The main problem is your insecurity, which is something you can work on by trying to be more comfortable in your own skin. Do you feel judged? Do you feel pitied? Do you feel left behind? I feel like these questions might make you uncomfortable today, but in the long run, they won't. You're doing the best you can and you can take unlimited pride in doing the best you can.
If someone puts you on the spot, and you like them as a person, encourage but redirect their genuine interest in your life. "Thanks for asking :) I'm still meeting people…" Try to keep every conversation positive. Politeness costs nothing and it pays dividends. They're no harm in having more friends who are looking out for you.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 3:50 PM on August 30, 2015
one woman i know answered 'because i managed to escape!'
posted by maiamaia at 4:23 PM on August 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by maiamaia at 4:23 PM on August 30, 2015 [3 favorites]
My shrink used to burst into tears and run out of the room when people pulled this. She highly recommends this as a way to shut up people on the topic.
I don't do bursting into tears, I just give the honest answers:
"Nobody wants me."
"I don't like anybody ever, and only the creepiest of dudes ever like me, and you don't want me to get together with them."
I don't get this question much because very, very few people are shocked, shocked! that I am unwanted and single, though. It's extremely obvious why when you meet me :P
Anyway, I hate this question because what the fuck kind of answer are they looking for out of you? "I have a fatal disease?" "I'm the ugliest girl in town?" "I couldn't get a date if I sold my soul to the devil?" "I didn't get lucky like everyone else in the world did?" "I'm a pathetic loser?" Come on. I don't feel super inclined to be nice to someone who asks this almost all of the time (one person asked it nicely so I was nicer about giving my honest answer to the question-but I gave the same answer as above) because it really sounds to me like they're trying to make me feel bad about myself. But then again, maybe I know too many passive-aggressive relatives/jerks.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:41 PM on August 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I don't do bursting into tears, I just give the honest answers:
"Nobody wants me."
"I don't like anybody ever, and only the creepiest of dudes ever like me, and you don't want me to get together with them."
I don't get this question much because very, very few people are shocked, shocked! that I am unwanted and single, though. It's extremely obvious why when you meet me :P
Anyway, I hate this question because what the fuck kind of answer are they looking for out of you? "I have a fatal disease?" "I'm the ugliest girl in town?" "I couldn't get a date if I sold my soul to the devil?" "I didn't get lucky like everyone else in the world did?" "I'm a pathetic loser?" Come on. I don't feel super inclined to be nice to someone who asks this almost all of the time (one person asked it nicely so I was nicer about giving my honest answer to the question-but I gave the same answer as above) because it really sounds to me like they're trying to make me feel bad about myself. But then again, maybe I know too many passive-aggressive relatives/jerks.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:41 PM on August 30, 2015 [7 favorites]
I always find the question kind of fun because it lets me tell them about some of the losers I've dated. And if they know some lovely guy they want to set me, I might be open to it. And if they want to keep their eyes peeled, great. They won't ask again because they'll feel bad they haven't found anyone good for you and they won't ask.
Also, most people ask because they're really surprised that a catch like you is single and it's just means to figuring out if they can introduce you to someone they know who is single.
Or just shrug, and say "Beats me!" And change the subject.
posted by discopolo at 6:57 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, most people ask because they're really surprised that a catch like you is single and it's just means to figuring out if they can introduce you to someone they know who is single.
Or just shrug, and say "Beats me!" And change the subject.
posted by discopolo at 6:57 AM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
Well, here's what to say if it's Don Draper asking you!
(But seriously, straight-up responding "Are you asking what's wrong with me?" with just the right sort of aplomb is the kind of retort that would put people back on their heels, if that's what you'd like to do. Personally, I always went with a shrug and "hard to say!" or "slim pickin's!" and moved on.)
posted by oneaday at 2:55 PM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
(But seriously, straight-up responding "Are you asking what's wrong with me?" with just the right sort of aplomb is the kind of retort that would put people back on their heels, if that's what you'd like to do. Personally, I always went with a shrug and "hard to say!" or "slim pickin's!" and moved on.)
posted by oneaday at 2:55 PM on August 31, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Then listen blankly to the reply until the person stops talking. Let an uncomfortable silence develop.
Then change the subject.
posted by Omnomnom at 9:09 AM on August 29, 2015 [50 favorites]