Unsure if I should continue seeing someone

September 2, 2015 3:07 AM

Is it wise to romantically/emotionally invest by dating someone knowing that they are currently not fully settled or stable in their life situation?

This guy I met a couple of weeks ago has recently come out of a long term relationship (6 months ago) and is an expat who is unsure about where he wants to settle down eventually although he loves the city he is in currently. He is in his 30s and has a stable job but it involves a lot of travelling back and forth to his home country and he generally seems to be still trying to figure out what he wants to do next.
He is lovely in every other way and says he wants to settle down soon although he comes across as being in a 'transition' phase in his life at the moment and whilst we enjoy spending time together and like each other, I am looking for a serious relationship and he doesn't seem to be in a position to offer that at the moment. Not sure if I should just move on or wait and see how things progress. I don't want to waste my time and invest if he is going to move away soon but on the other hand if there is a chance that things continue to progress well then maybe the other factors could fall into place.
If someone is not available for anything serious because they have a lot of uncertainty and moving parts in their current life situation but then happened to meet and really like someone new, could they then become available or would the life circumstances still create a barrier and restrict them from going beyond a certain point?

Thanks in advance

posted by sara479 to Human Relations (9 answers total)

Best answer: If he were to move away in a few months and you'd consider that "time wasted," then you should stop seeing him now.

I've had short term relationships that could have been much longer term if not for known mitigating life factors that caused a disruptive move, etc, and even though, yes, it was X number of months invested into a relationship that ended prematurely, I don't consider a second of it time wasted.

If that's not something you're comfortable with, then you should end things now and find someone able to give you the long term commitment you're looking for.
posted by phunniemee at 4:10 AM on September 2, 2015 [7 favorites]

Can you date him "lightly"? I mean, for you is it possible to not put all of your emotional eggs in his..ahem...basket? And might you be willing to date other people at the same time (to help keep things light)? If so, I say forge ahead. If not...weigh the risks of spending further time with this person.

In any case, good luck. :)
posted by Halo in reverse at 5:47 AM on September 2, 2015

Best answer: I am looking for a serious relationship and he doesn't seem to be in a position to offer that at the moment.

Sounds like you're incompatible right now.
posted by headnsouth at 6:25 AM on September 2, 2015 [6 favorites]

Good grief... I expected something much more flakey. A friend of mine met a guy at a party a few years ago right before he was about to spend a year travelling (we are all in our early thirties). Then he did a Masters degree in HK that involved more travel. Despite all that, they've moved in together, she sold her apt, and they just got engaged. Talking to them a few weeks ago about kids too. I think if you're both into it, you'll work it out. Otherwise "he's just not that into you" - or vice versa... And that happens all the time anyway. Great guys are hard to find. I say go for it and see!
posted by jrobin276 at 6:25 AM on September 2, 2015

Best answer: Your question has enough ifs and maybes that I don't think you should get involved with him. You are looking for a serious relationship, and he has directly told you he is not; dating him to "see how things work out" or "if things falls into place" is wishful thinking. And being fresh out of a LTR, there is little chance that when he does settle down it will be with you. Do not be his rebound!

On preview, I'd caution that your guy is not just traveling and busy, he does not want a relationship.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:29 AM on September 2, 2015 [2 favorites]

Would you be willing to seriously consider a move to his home country if things go well between you, but that turns out to be an important desire for him? If not, you need to move on, because you aren't the right person for him, even if he's totally ready to settle down - and that, too, could be the source of the uncertainty you're sensing.
posted by stormyteal at 7:28 AM on September 2, 2015

The fact that you said it would have been a waste of your time to have dated him if he leaves answers the question. There is nothing wrong with your goals or his place in life, but it sounds like you are better off stepping away.
The last part of your question veers dangerously into "but what if he changes for me" territory. Your best hope is that both of you take care of your own needs. If he decides he wants to stay in the area and you are still around and looking for the right match maybe you can rekindle something later. For now, let him live his own life and come to his own conclusions, and keep looking yourself for someone who won't make you feel like you'd wasted your time.
posted by meinvt at 9:41 AM on September 2, 2015

Following up on Halo's suggestion of "dating light", you could restrict your relationship to just one kind of thing. Become a go-to-the-movies buddies for example.
posted by SemiSalt at 2:44 PM on September 2, 2015

Response by poster: Thank you for your responses and for helping me decide to step away before investing too much as I am not looking to date lightly and we don't seem to be compatible with our needs or circumstances at this point.
posted by sara479 at 7:02 PM on September 2, 2015 [1 favorite]