Navigating the tricky waters of an ever-changing dating status tide.
August 3, 2015 11:16 AM Subscribe
Dear Mefites, this is my first question! I'm excited to hear from the community i've been reading since forever. Here's an issue I'm facing that's bothering me: someone i'm seeing has a some-what change of heart/mind towards me in terms of how he envisions our future/potential. I've been confused from the beginning as it started sexually quickly, then to possibly serious, to suddenly somewhat possibly just casual now. Grateful if any of you could advise me on what you observe his character/behavior/mindset to be, from the descriptions that I will best try to relate. Please excuse the extremely long post.
The emotional toll and seeming ambiguity on me has been honestly draining, but I'm also fully aware that I should be reasonable and objective too and not under/over-think or under/over-invest in this.
I met this guy almost 4 months ago, in late April on Tinder. Let's call him A. We hit it off straight away in terms of our online conversation, to which it moved to Facebook messaging. A was the one who initiated the Facebook texting by saying he deleted tinder, and found me on Facebook. We had a sporadic exchange of messages, i.e. a few lines daily, but sufficient intellectual exchange to get me engaged. The Facebook conversation tapered off when he took longer than usual to reply - 2 days instead of 1, plus also because I was caught up with feeling slightly intimidated by him (i'll explain his background later), and also my tendency to vanish and withdraw when I am uncomfortable. I didn't reply his last Facebook message for 3 weeks, and was surprised to find that he didn't leave my disappearance be, and sent another text 3 weeks later - "why did you ignore me." - to which i replied, "sorry, think i had cold feet." and his reply, "why?" I replied, "i've been almost on a year's sabbatical from work and am still trying to figure out what i really want to do in life while you're a young successful entrepreneur who already knows what you want in life and has acted upon it successfully with a good solid start-up going, so we're very different in this aspect, thus i had cold feet and decided to not continue our initial interesting conversation". His replied, "i find your honesty refreshing and i also think that a lot of us are still finding our footing in life." i then decided to deactivate Facebook and passed him my mobile number and said he could contact me if he wanted to. He replied "I will." The next thing that really surprised me was, his very first whatsapp message on my mobile phone was - "Would you say yes if i asked you out." It came as a surprise to me because we were having this undulating back and forth Facebook messaging conversation for almost a month without any signs that A was going to suggest meeting then he suddenly asked me out so deliberately after I disappeared and told him why. This was what happened next, in person:
Our 1st "date" or meeting was at a pub with a live acoustic band at 8pm. We sat opposite each other and had a good long conversation for 4 hours over dinner and drinks. We left at 12pm, to which he asked me if i would say yes to a 2nd date and i said yes. A then asked me if i wanted to have a look at his start-up office and if I was up for night-swimming. I genuinely didn't think he had anything in his mind in terms of anything intimate because all we had till that point was dinner, drinks, and a good conversation, not even making out. The next thing i knew, we were in the pool and he started coming close and kissing the hell out of me and something in me kissed him back and that's where the crazy confusion began. A teased me like crazy sexually, and even tried fingering me but we stopped short of having sexual intercourse. His smoldering sexuality and quiet, grounded confidence reminds me of the character Mr. Grey from 50 shades.
Date 2 consisted of a proper meeting in the early evening, with a program planned. A challenged me to plan our 2nd date since he planned the first. I brought him to a mini glow-in-the-dark exhibition and a baseball pitch game after. What still confuses me on hindsight was that he held my hand sweetly and intentionally for some random moments as we walked around looking at the exhibitions in the museum, and then he would suddenly yet gradually discontinue that, and that he also doesn't do that when we're in an open shopping mall. Date 2 ended with crazy making out at A's place and sexual teasing again by mostly him. I was really almost dissolving under his flames. Before we got into our sexy moments the 2nd time round, I asked A what he saw us as, because he moved sexually relatively quickly, particularly on the first date (i've never experienced that personally with anyone else i dated beforehand, so i asked him in order to clarify things). A clarified that i'm definitely "not a fuck and go" girl to him, but at that point as it was only the 2nd date, it was still too early to know if we were compatible, and diving into a serious relationship would be unwise, so he wanted to how things would progress. I vehemently agreed as i've had official serious committed relationships beginning really soon, i.e from the 4th date, which ended just as fast anyway. There was again, intense off the socks sexual tension and teasing by A, to which he said he would torture me by teasing me sexually but he also wanted to wait until the 3rd date to have sex so it would feel so much better. I was actually pretty surprised that A said that when the impression I had of him was this crazy horny and sexy dude who just wanted to get into my pants asap. The excitement really escalated that way and eventually we had intercourse on the 3rd date. Each date was a consistently held weekly, over a meal, an activity, then moving on to the heat. Things gradually went downhill from there. Next:
B, A's intern, a boy 5 years younger than us (A and I are the same age) appeared in the picture. Let's call him B. Because A owns a delivery company, B was the delivery boy for my order twice, over 3 weeks. I had no idea that B developed a massive crush me the 2nd time after I picked up my order from him, and it only became clear to me after things turned awry. B sent me a Facebook-Friend add request on a Thursday night, to which I accepted since I didn't think it was anything, but i Facebook messaged B to ask why he added me and also because I wanted to ask him more about A, and how A felt towards me, since B joked that A had a crush on me and it was the talk of the workplace. I insisted that A and I were just friends because A never made it known anyway that we were anything more than that, despite us sleeping with each other and seeing as well as texting each other on a regular basis. The next evening was supposed to be date evening for A and me, but it was also the first time A texted me to say that he might have to take a raincheck and have a boys' night out. I started feeling insecure because A's texting was starting to get sporadic after the first two weeks and I was still getting used to the suddenly sporadic texting conversation with someone I was into, A, this new love interest who happened to be completely unlike the rest of the guys I've dated and texted me regularly on a daily basis. A is this incredibly busy entrepreneur boss who is unable to multitask and text consistently, at best a reply 9 hours after my last text, and now at worst, 5 days later. On the day of our 3rd date, A still hadn't confirmed whether he could meet even after 6 hours since telling me about the raincheck at 9am that he would "soon let me know". My insecurities got in the way and when B texted me, I casually told B that A was going to stand me up. B asked me then if he could have dinner with me instead, and I agreed readily, assuming that A was going to choose to go out with his guy friends over me instead because one of them was having problems. I mean I could understand that but I was just unhappy that he was so unsure and that he did not really take our date seriously. A then told me an hour after I agreed to having dinner with B that he could meet me, and I did the sneaky horrid thing by canceling on B. B then suspected that A and I met eventually, and he got so bothered that he confronted A about it, and it was left in the open. I apologized to both and realized that B was actually crazy about me and it wasn't merely a friendly dinner request. I promised A not to continue engaging B because it was clear then that I would be leading B on if I did that, since Y had strong limerence for me, and it was clear that I was into A and that we were seeing each other. B was affected that I told him that we should stop talking after that, to the point of not performing well at his workplace. A told me that I should have told B from the start that I was not interested in him, which I did not do. Anyway, apart from that incident, A and I grew closer as A asked me if I would accompany him to his hometown in the next country and take a weekend trip with him. I agreed to it, and he brought me around his hometown, we even stayed at his home (with me introduced as a friend of course to his parents), and had a lot of fun and close moments, though he never admitted to his friends that I was a girlfriend, but merely a friend. This weekend trip happened twice and my feelings grew for him. However, I blew it again:
A has a close female friend called C, whom he claims to be platonic because they've known each other since childhood days, and if anything romantic were to happen between them, it would long already have. I have felt extremely insecure over C because A stays over at C, and C has invested heavily in A's company, together with their longstanding friendship, regardless of whether it is platonic or not. What bothers me a lot was also because A and C briefly slept together for a period of time after A broke up with his ex, and the fact that A and C are still good and close friends, bothers me a lot, despite how A has asserted to me that he only sees C as a sister. Despite all the feelings of discomfort, I've chosen to give A the benefit of doubt and believe his words. However, one night when A and I were out running his errands and we were on our way to his place, A received a text message from C that she was stranded in one of the public trains which broke down, and A told me that he had to send me home so that he could send her home. I had a meltdown after that and told A the next morning that I would rather just end things because I felt that something was very wrong if he could simply choose C over me. I then proceeded to text B after that and suggested that B and I should meet over the weekend. I suggested that deliberately out of anger because A told me that he was going back to his hometown over the weekend but with C this time (C is from his hometown too) and also going to vietnam with her, and my mind went crazy. I basically threw a tantrum of what looks a lot like drama, and it ended up with A being furious after discovering that I talked to B again despite knowing that B was already feeling vulnerable over me and underperforming at work. I then explained that it was because I was feeling extremely insecure over A's relationship with C and that I wasn't convinced that they were merely platonic friends until I was reminded again that they had known each other since childhood, so they could not have been anything more. This time, A told me straight about what he truly felt about us. This is a summary of our exchange when I had a meltdown after he stopped our date halfway to go rescue C from her train disruption.
I voiced out over text that the sexual commitment between us is hardly reassuring despite his verbal reassurances that he was only sleeping with me, but i also felt that i would be ridiculous to even be upset or feel jealous because i don't have a right - it doesn't feel like we're anything beyond the bed times. i'm getting more emotionally invested than i should be, and it's unfair to both parties to expect or demand given the situation and context. i'd rather bear with this pain now and get out of the picture. He replied that from our first Facebook conversation and date, he decided it could lead to something more serious and made the commitment to halt all physical/sexual/non-platonic relationships, and to just concentrate on getting to know one person (you) better. he also said that i'm not just a body that he's sleeping with or hang out because it's convenient. We started having an argument because i then said that I could hang out with B platonically and didn't see the fuss, and he said that he has found himself a little more reserved after the issue with B, and the way this whole thing was treated still makes him feel uncomfortable. i accept the reasons of why you did, that you were feeling insecure, but he could not help feeling like it was a very bad judgment call.
Since then, we've still met up but it was mostly just meeting at his place, sex and no actual dates outside, although he has been genuinely busy (but no time for dinner? heh i wonder). i feel that A has grown cold towards me, despite me staying away from B (yes, again, i know) and besides the usual sex and post-sex sleepovers and next day morning sex then a rush to start work and get home, the little proper exchange or connection we've been having that has left me high and dry after that.
This is the part which really bothers me, that he can unabashedly tell me "i miss being in you" and then saying that "we could just take things casually and by that you may think it means sex without commitment but that could really be what it entails and more, i don't know. ideas? i'm not sleeping with anyone now for that matter" as well as that he used to think of us as something that "could potentially more serious", but after that incident with B, he now thinks of us "as something more casual that could still be serious or not" (again, this really bothers me.) He has clarified that he has not been intentionally avoiding me and that he still respects me, although a little less now because of the incident, but he still enjoys my company and the sex, and he was glad that he got these thoughts off his chest. Saying that he's "okay with seeing me casually like that but i will understand if you are not" also bothers me, because i feel that he is completely on the fence.
If it helps, A is someone who is mature, sensitive, street-smart and intelligent, though he may seem unpredictable or flippant, I get a sense that he knows what he's doing. I honestly am inspired by his discipline, his passion for work and zest for life, as well as his genuine care for his loved ones. He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional, or maybe i just haven't seen that side yet because he doesn't trust me or he hasn't let me in close enough. He can take up to 5 days to send me a text, but he would reply in a day if I asked him a question. In the event that i don't reply his "golden" texts, he would send me an email to check if i'm okay. When i ask him why he doesn't call if he hasn't gotten a reply from me, he never answers my question. When i say i miss him, he doesn't bother responding to that either. He has been completely non-committal emotionally and while it's easier for me to let go and go for the next guy whom I'm not half as inspired by or interested in, who is far more keenly interested in me, showing no ambiguity unlike him, I feel he is worth it. Then again, I've realized with enough relationships that my feelings may not always be right too. Having read countless useful advice on AskMeFi, I'm aware that it's also important to know what I want out of this. And here's my answer - i'm not sure either because i don't know him well enough- i do get a sense that i need someone who could give me way more attention that he can. but i think i've probably misjudged him because he is a serious, adorably cute horrible multi-tasker - he is so horrible at multi-tasking to the point of being deaf when he's driving or when he's on his laptop. When he focuses on something, or a person, or me, his attention is intense and I can literally be aflame and melt in a puddle of goo when he focuses on me. I honestly don't know how best i should navigate this - i don't want to be chill or be too cool, neither would i go on the offense because i know that pushing would never yield results. if anyone pushed me for my attention or try to have an extra serious talk with me and i wasn't half into him as he is into me, i would be even more turned off by that. neither do i wanna play games either by playing hard to get... I just don't want him to get into my head and heart too much if I do continue having sex with him, and I'm afraid that if I end the sex with him, it would seem manipulative, and I honestly think that if i end the sex with him, i would just end the whole thing altogether but i'm not ready to, yet. I'm not sure if it's right to be expecting commitment so early at this time either, or rushing things.
Any advice/ideas on how to best navigate this or approach him? Thank you so much in advance! And for even reading until here.
The emotional toll and seeming ambiguity on me has been honestly draining, but I'm also fully aware that I should be reasonable and objective too and not under/over-think or under/over-invest in this.
I met this guy almost 4 months ago, in late April on Tinder. Let's call him A. We hit it off straight away in terms of our online conversation, to which it moved to Facebook messaging. A was the one who initiated the Facebook texting by saying he deleted tinder, and found me on Facebook. We had a sporadic exchange of messages, i.e. a few lines daily, but sufficient intellectual exchange to get me engaged. The Facebook conversation tapered off when he took longer than usual to reply - 2 days instead of 1, plus also because I was caught up with feeling slightly intimidated by him (i'll explain his background later), and also my tendency to vanish and withdraw when I am uncomfortable. I didn't reply his last Facebook message for 3 weeks, and was surprised to find that he didn't leave my disappearance be, and sent another text 3 weeks later - "why did you ignore me." - to which i replied, "sorry, think i had cold feet." and his reply, "why?" I replied, "i've been almost on a year's sabbatical from work and am still trying to figure out what i really want to do in life while you're a young successful entrepreneur who already knows what you want in life and has acted upon it successfully with a good solid start-up going, so we're very different in this aspect, thus i had cold feet and decided to not continue our initial interesting conversation". His replied, "i find your honesty refreshing and i also think that a lot of us are still finding our footing in life." i then decided to deactivate Facebook and passed him my mobile number and said he could contact me if he wanted to. He replied "I will." The next thing that really surprised me was, his very first whatsapp message on my mobile phone was - "Would you say yes if i asked you out." It came as a surprise to me because we were having this undulating back and forth Facebook messaging conversation for almost a month without any signs that A was going to suggest meeting then he suddenly asked me out so deliberately after I disappeared and told him why. This was what happened next, in person:
Our 1st "date" or meeting was at a pub with a live acoustic band at 8pm. We sat opposite each other and had a good long conversation for 4 hours over dinner and drinks. We left at 12pm, to which he asked me if i would say yes to a 2nd date and i said yes. A then asked me if i wanted to have a look at his start-up office and if I was up for night-swimming. I genuinely didn't think he had anything in his mind in terms of anything intimate because all we had till that point was dinner, drinks, and a good conversation, not even making out. The next thing i knew, we were in the pool and he started coming close and kissing the hell out of me and something in me kissed him back and that's where the crazy confusion began. A teased me like crazy sexually, and even tried fingering me but we stopped short of having sexual intercourse. His smoldering sexuality and quiet, grounded confidence reminds me of the character Mr. Grey from 50 shades.
Date 2 consisted of a proper meeting in the early evening, with a program planned. A challenged me to plan our 2nd date since he planned the first. I brought him to a mini glow-in-the-dark exhibition and a baseball pitch game after. What still confuses me on hindsight was that he held my hand sweetly and intentionally for some random moments as we walked around looking at the exhibitions in the museum, and then he would suddenly yet gradually discontinue that, and that he also doesn't do that when we're in an open shopping mall. Date 2 ended with crazy making out at A's place and sexual teasing again by mostly him. I was really almost dissolving under his flames. Before we got into our sexy moments the 2nd time round, I asked A what he saw us as, because he moved sexually relatively quickly, particularly on the first date (i've never experienced that personally with anyone else i dated beforehand, so i asked him in order to clarify things). A clarified that i'm definitely "not a fuck and go" girl to him, but at that point as it was only the 2nd date, it was still too early to know if we were compatible, and diving into a serious relationship would be unwise, so he wanted to how things would progress. I vehemently agreed as i've had official serious committed relationships beginning really soon, i.e from the 4th date, which ended just as fast anyway. There was again, intense off the socks sexual tension and teasing by A, to which he said he would torture me by teasing me sexually but he also wanted to wait until the 3rd date to have sex so it would feel so much better. I was actually pretty surprised that A said that when the impression I had of him was this crazy horny and sexy dude who just wanted to get into my pants asap. The excitement really escalated that way and eventually we had intercourse on the 3rd date. Each date was a consistently held weekly, over a meal, an activity, then moving on to the heat. Things gradually went downhill from there. Next:
B, A's intern, a boy 5 years younger than us (A and I are the same age) appeared in the picture. Let's call him B. Because A owns a delivery company, B was the delivery boy for my order twice, over 3 weeks. I had no idea that B developed a massive crush me the 2nd time after I picked up my order from him, and it only became clear to me after things turned awry. B sent me a Facebook-Friend add request on a Thursday night, to which I accepted since I didn't think it was anything, but i Facebook messaged B to ask why he added me and also because I wanted to ask him more about A, and how A felt towards me, since B joked that A had a crush on me and it was the talk of the workplace. I insisted that A and I were just friends because A never made it known anyway that we were anything more than that, despite us sleeping with each other and seeing as well as texting each other on a regular basis. The next evening was supposed to be date evening for A and me, but it was also the first time A texted me to say that he might have to take a raincheck and have a boys' night out. I started feeling insecure because A's texting was starting to get sporadic after the first two weeks and I was still getting used to the suddenly sporadic texting conversation with someone I was into, A, this new love interest who happened to be completely unlike the rest of the guys I've dated and texted me regularly on a daily basis. A is this incredibly busy entrepreneur boss who is unable to multitask and text consistently, at best a reply 9 hours after my last text, and now at worst, 5 days later. On the day of our 3rd date, A still hadn't confirmed whether he could meet even after 6 hours since telling me about the raincheck at 9am that he would "soon let me know". My insecurities got in the way and when B texted me, I casually told B that A was going to stand me up. B asked me then if he could have dinner with me instead, and I agreed readily, assuming that A was going to choose to go out with his guy friends over me instead because one of them was having problems. I mean I could understand that but I was just unhappy that he was so unsure and that he did not really take our date seriously. A then told me an hour after I agreed to having dinner with B that he could meet me, and I did the sneaky horrid thing by canceling on B. B then suspected that A and I met eventually, and he got so bothered that he confronted A about it, and it was left in the open. I apologized to both and realized that B was actually crazy about me and it wasn't merely a friendly dinner request. I promised A not to continue engaging B because it was clear then that I would be leading B on if I did that, since Y had strong limerence for me, and it was clear that I was into A and that we were seeing each other. B was affected that I told him that we should stop talking after that, to the point of not performing well at his workplace. A told me that I should have told B from the start that I was not interested in him, which I did not do. Anyway, apart from that incident, A and I grew closer as A asked me if I would accompany him to his hometown in the next country and take a weekend trip with him. I agreed to it, and he brought me around his hometown, we even stayed at his home (with me introduced as a friend of course to his parents), and had a lot of fun and close moments, though he never admitted to his friends that I was a girlfriend, but merely a friend. This weekend trip happened twice and my feelings grew for him. However, I blew it again:
A has a close female friend called C, whom he claims to be platonic because they've known each other since childhood days, and if anything romantic were to happen between them, it would long already have. I have felt extremely insecure over C because A stays over at C, and C has invested heavily in A's company, together with their longstanding friendship, regardless of whether it is platonic or not. What bothers me a lot was also because A and C briefly slept together for a period of time after A broke up with his ex, and the fact that A and C are still good and close friends, bothers me a lot, despite how A has asserted to me that he only sees C as a sister. Despite all the feelings of discomfort, I've chosen to give A the benefit of doubt and believe his words. However, one night when A and I were out running his errands and we were on our way to his place, A received a text message from C that she was stranded in one of the public trains which broke down, and A told me that he had to send me home so that he could send her home. I had a meltdown after that and told A the next morning that I would rather just end things because I felt that something was very wrong if he could simply choose C over me. I then proceeded to text B after that and suggested that B and I should meet over the weekend. I suggested that deliberately out of anger because A told me that he was going back to his hometown over the weekend but with C this time (C is from his hometown too) and also going to vietnam with her, and my mind went crazy. I basically threw a tantrum of what looks a lot like drama, and it ended up with A being furious after discovering that I talked to B again despite knowing that B was already feeling vulnerable over me and underperforming at work. I then explained that it was because I was feeling extremely insecure over A's relationship with C and that I wasn't convinced that they were merely platonic friends until I was reminded again that they had known each other since childhood, so they could not have been anything more. This time, A told me straight about what he truly felt about us. This is a summary of our exchange when I had a meltdown after he stopped our date halfway to go rescue C from her train disruption.
I voiced out over text that the sexual commitment between us is hardly reassuring despite his verbal reassurances that he was only sleeping with me, but i also felt that i would be ridiculous to even be upset or feel jealous because i don't have a right - it doesn't feel like we're anything beyond the bed times. i'm getting more emotionally invested than i should be, and it's unfair to both parties to expect or demand given the situation and context. i'd rather bear with this pain now and get out of the picture. He replied that from our first Facebook conversation and date, he decided it could lead to something more serious and made the commitment to halt all physical/sexual/non-platonic relationships, and to just concentrate on getting to know one person (you) better. he also said that i'm not just a body that he's sleeping with or hang out because it's convenient. We started having an argument because i then said that I could hang out with B platonically and didn't see the fuss, and he said that he has found himself a little more reserved after the issue with B, and the way this whole thing was treated still makes him feel uncomfortable. i accept the reasons of why you did, that you were feeling insecure, but he could not help feeling like it was a very bad judgment call.
Since then, we've still met up but it was mostly just meeting at his place, sex and no actual dates outside, although he has been genuinely busy (but no time for dinner? heh i wonder). i feel that A has grown cold towards me, despite me staying away from B (yes, again, i know) and besides the usual sex and post-sex sleepovers and next day morning sex then a rush to start work and get home, the little proper exchange or connection we've been having that has left me high and dry after that.
This is the part which really bothers me, that he can unabashedly tell me "i miss being in you" and then saying that "we could just take things casually and by that you may think it means sex without commitment but that could really be what it entails and more, i don't know. ideas? i'm not sleeping with anyone now for that matter" as well as that he used to think of us as something that "could potentially more serious", but after that incident with B, he now thinks of us "as something more casual that could still be serious or not" (again, this really bothers me.) He has clarified that he has not been intentionally avoiding me and that he still respects me, although a little less now because of the incident, but he still enjoys my company and the sex, and he was glad that he got these thoughts off his chest. Saying that he's "okay with seeing me casually like that but i will understand if you are not" also bothers me, because i feel that he is completely on the fence.
If it helps, A is someone who is mature, sensitive, street-smart and intelligent, though he may seem unpredictable or flippant, I get a sense that he knows what he's doing. I honestly am inspired by his discipline, his passion for work and zest for life, as well as his genuine care for his loved ones. He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional, or maybe i just haven't seen that side yet because he doesn't trust me or he hasn't let me in close enough. He can take up to 5 days to send me a text, but he would reply in a day if I asked him a question. In the event that i don't reply his "golden" texts, he would send me an email to check if i'm okay. When i ask him why he doesn't call if he hasn't gotten a reply from me, he never answers my question. When i say i miss him, he doesn't bother responding to that either. He has been completely non-committal emotionally and while it's easier for me to let go and go for the next guy whom I'm not half as inspired by or interested in, who is far more keenly interested in me, showing no ambiguity unlike him, I feel he is worth it. Then again, I've realized with enough relationships that my feelings may not always be right too. Having read countless useful advice on AskMeFi, I'm aware that it's also important to know what I want out of this. And here's my answer - i'm not sure either because i don't know him well enough- i do get a sense that i need someone who could give me way more attention that he can. but i think i've probably misjudged him because he is a serious, adorably cute horrible multi-tasker - he is so horrible at multi-tasking to the point of being deaf when he's driving or when he's on his laptop. When he focuses on something, or a person, or me, his attention is intense and I can literally be aflame and melt in a puddle of goo when he focuses on me. I honestly don't know how best i should navigate this - i don't want to be chill or be too cool, neither would i go on the offense because i know that pushing would never yield results. if anyone pushed me for my attention or try to have an extra serious talk with me and i wasn't half into him as he is into me, i would be even more turned off by that. neither do i wanna play games either by playing hard to get... I just don't want him to get into my head and heart too much if I do continue having sex with him, and I'm afraid that if I end the sex with him, it would seem manipulative, and I honestly think that if i end the sex with him, i would just end the whole thing altogether but i'm not ready to, yet. I'm not sure if it's right to be expecting commitment so early at this time either, or rushing things.
Any advice/ideas on how to best navigate this or approach him? Thank you so much in advance! And for even reading until here.
I have to admit I have not read your entire text.. I got past "I've been confused from the beginning as it started sexually quickly, then to possibly serious, to suddenly somewhat possibly just casual now, saw "I met this guy almost 4 months ago, in late April on Tinder" and briefly skimmed the rest.
Late April was 3 months ago, not 4. This is someone you've been dating for 3 months. 3 months is not enough time to get "possibly serious." It's still the very early stages of dating. If after 3 months, it's cooling to "possibly just casual," then it's casual dating. It's not uncommon for a relationship to start off intensely sexual and then cool off immediately because it's not actually right.
You seem to be putting an awful lot of analysis into and importance onto a very, very brief dating relationship.
If it's not going the way you want it to go, let it go quickly and move on.
posted by erst at 12:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Late April was 3 months ago, not 4. This is someone you've been dating for 3 months. 3 months is not enough time to get "possibly serious." It's still the very early stages of dating. If after 3 months, it's cooling to "possibly just casual," then it's casual dating. It's not uncommon for a relationship to start off intensely sexual and then cool off immediately because it's not actually right.
You seem to be putting an awful lot of analysis into and importance onto a very, very brief dating relationship.
If it's not going the way you want it to go, let it go quickly and move on.
posted by erst at 12:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
A wants to bang you. He doesn't want anyone else to bang you. It seems he doesn't particularly care about you, emotionally.
You're pretty much a jerk for using B to make A jealous.
You should wash your hands of this whole situation, and strongly consider both how you want to be treated in your next relationship, and how you treat other people.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:22 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
You're pretty much a jerk for using B to make A jealous.
You should wash your hands of this whole situation, and strongly consider both how you want to be treated in your next relationship, and how you treat other people.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:22 PM on August 3, 2015 [9 favorites]
I have a half-joking mental rule that the shorter the relationship, the longer the AskMe. I've seen questions about divorce that are three lines, and questions like this about a few months that are paragraphs and paragraphs.
So, I don't know you and I can't tell if this is so long because you're just a very detailed person, or because you think putting everything in will give us better insight, or you don't have the emotional experience to tell what is important and what is not, or because you're just incredibly absorbed in your own drama.
I did keep reading until the line by line recap of your conversations, but almost quit when I saw you thought it was a good idea to grill A's intern about him.
My advice is to stop being such a drama llama. Have boundaries about what you do and do not want to do on dates. Have boundaries with your dates' employees. Don't use people who have a crush on you to make other people jealous.
Don't try to control the friendships of people you've just started dating. Don't date people with whom you don't feel secure.
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [18 favorites]
So, I don't know you and I can't tell if this is so long because you're just a very detailed person, or because you think putting everything in will give us better insight, or you don't have the emotional experience to tell what is important and what is not, or because you're just incredibly absorbed in your own drama.
I did keep reading until the line by line recap of your conversations, but almost quit when I saw you thought it was a good idea to grill A's intern about him.
My advice is to stop being such a drama llama. Have boundaries about what you do and do not want to do on dates. Have boundaries with your dates' employees. Don't use people who have a crush on you to make other people jealous.
Don't try to control the friendships of people you've just started dating. Don't date people with whom you don't feel secure.
posted by Squeak Attack at 1:36 PM on August 3, 2015 [18 favorites]
Best answer: Okay, I felt guilty, so I read the rest and it looks like the conversation between you and him has been clipped out.
Here are some things I think are important places where you need to decided if this situation is okay with YOU:
He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional
he brought me around his hometown, we even stayed at his home (with me introduced as a friend of course to his parents), and had a lot of fun and close moments, though he never admitted to his friends that I was a girlfriend, but merely a friend
Since then, we've still met up but it was mostly just meeting at his place, sex and no actual dates outside
He can take up to 5 days to send me a text, but he would reply in a day if I asked him a question
It sounds to me like he's tossing you dry crumbs and you're trying to convince yourself they're lovely cakes. You have a giant crush in him, but that doesn't change the reality of the crumbs.
So the question is - right now, today, is this the relationship YOU want? Is this treatment okay with YOU?
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:01 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Here are some things I think are important places where you need to decided if this situation is okay with YOU:
He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional
he brought me around his hometown, we even stayed at his home (with me introduced as a friend of course to his parents), and had a lot of fun and close moments, though he never admitted to his friends that I was a girlfriend, but merely a friend
Since then, we've still met up but it was mostly just meeting at his place, sex and no actual dates outside
He can take up to 5 days to send me a text, but he would reply in a day if I asked him a question
It sounds to me like he's tossing you dry crumbs and you're trying to convince yourself they're lovely cakes. You have a giant crush in him, but that doesn't change the reality of the crumbs.
So the question is - right now, today, is this the relationship YOU want? Is this treatment okay with YOU?
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:01 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Fun fact - I know super shady and extremely broke bike messengers who own delivery companies! Dude's not hitting the Fortune 500 anytime soon, he's just full of himself. He wouldn't be some prize to hang around for if he was ever going to be won - and he's not, the whole "down to have you deliver sex to his apartment but will not acknowledge you at all at any other time" thing is a sure-fire tip off.
There's nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there before, we're just frustrated watching your pour out THIS MUCH ENERGY (omg! I usually scoff at tl;drs but did you preview this questions at ALL???) on a total basic worthless fuckboy.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:08 PM on August 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
There's nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there before, we're just frustrated watching your pour out THIS MUCH ENERGY (omg! I usually scoff at tl;drs but did you preview this questions at ALL???) on a total basic worthless fuckboy.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:08 PM on August 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
You're really overthinking this. Like, REALLY overthinking this.
It sucks, but everything you've written clearly indicates that this guy IS NOT INTO YOU. He will have sex with you, but it's never going to go farther than that.
Stop twisting yourself into knots, cut off all contact with him and block his number. Just move on. He is not treating you nicely and you deserve better.
(and what you did with hitting on this intern and making plans to go out with him because the other dude pissed you off, THAT should have been your "I'm done" moment, because purposely using people to create drama...it's not cool.)
posted by kinetic at 2:34 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
It sucks, but everything you've written clearly indicates that this guy IS NOT INTO YOU. He will have sex with you, but it's never going to go farther than that.
Stop twisting yourself into knots, cut off all contact with him and block his number. Just move on. He is not treating you nicely and you deserve better.
(and what you did with hitting on this intern and making plans to go out with him because the other dude pissed you off, THAT should have been your "I'm done" moment, because purposely using people to create drama...it's not cool.)
posted by kinetic at 2:34 PM on August 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
i'd rather bear with this pain now and get out of the picture.
Good instincts! By the way, he's lying about C. Dude can have super close platonic female friends they've slept with, sure. Dude who are using you for sex and who cancel on you at the last minute and who travel to Vietnam with their super close platonic female friend they've slept with: that friend is their girlfriend. Like, the real one.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Good instincts! By the way, he's lying about C. Dude can have super close platonic female friends they've slept with, sure. Dude who are using you for sex and who cancel on you at the last minute and who travel to Vietnam with their super close platonic female friend they've slept with: that friend is their girlfriend. Like, the real one.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:47 PM on August 3, 2015 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I'm sorry, but any person or relationship who inspires the sentence
"His smoldering sexuality and quiet, grounded confidence reminds me of the character Mr. Grey from 50 shades."
must be immediately jettisoned into the center of the sun for the good of all humanity. No actual good human who is good at relationships would ever inspire this comparison. Ever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:30 PM on August 3, 2015 [32 favorites]
"His smoldering sexuality and quiet, grounded confidence reminds me of the character Mr. Grey from 50 shades."
must be immediately jettisoned into the center of the sun for the good of all humanity. No actual good human who is good at relationships would ever inspire this comparison. Ever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:30 PM on August 3, 2015 [32 favorites]
You are doing waaayyy too much. I think it's best to just let this go and stop sleeping with him. I'm not sure how old you are but you sound very young based on the drama in this relationship.
Dump him, stop teasing B and maybe stop dating for a while and focus on yourself.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 5:04 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dump him, stop teasing B and maybe stop dating for a while and focus on yourself.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 5:04 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A common thread I see between the situations with A and B is you professing powerlessness in a way that I think had a covert purpose as a bid for attention, and maybe as a way for you letting yourself off the hook for having agency here. That text message you sent him about being intimidated made it pretty clear that you were interested in him but that you needed confirmation that he'd be okay with the fact that you don't see yourself as his equal. It's not a good sign when you need someone else's approval instead of your own to get past this and a bad basis for a relationship.
Also, with B, the "we're just friends" thing is another example of this. That's not an accurate characterization of what was happening between you and A, though "we're not exclusive" would have been. But the first formulation downplays, denies really, that you're in an ongoing sexual relationship with his boss, and is much more of a signal of availability than the second.
He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional, or maybe i just haven't seen that side yet because he doesn't trust me or he hasn't let me in close enough.
This isn't a thing. Healthy people will trust you from the beginning, though the importance of the stuff they trust you with will be in proportion to where you are in the progression of your relationship. Again, it seems like you're accepting a one-down position in order to allow this thing to continue. A lot of people would call this emotional unavailability and bow out.
I used to think patterns like this played out more consciously than I think they really do. I wonder what models you're working with for what a good relationship looks like, and whether you've been in this type of situation before with people, because this dynamic doesn't have the flavor of something that pops up all of a sudden.
A lot of the stuff you're doing here might be a way for you to avoid answering a more important and more difficult question than the one you're asking here, namely, what do you want?
To navigate this, I think you should stop dating him and read through human relations questions here on the green for awhile, until you know after reading the questions what the best answers are probably going to look like. Baggage Reclaim is another really good site. Also, please be aware of how destructive it was to bring B into this situation the way you did, and recognize that the anger you felt towards A at the time does not excuse it.
posted by alphanerd at 5:39 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Also, with B, the "we're just friends" thing is another example of this. That's not an accurate characterization of what was happening between you and A, though "we're not exclusive" would have been. But the first formulation downplays, denies really, that you're in an ongoing sexual relationship with his boss, and is much more of a signal of availability than the second.
He is slow to trust, and while he is extremely sexual, he seems extremely unemotional, or maybe i just haven't seen that side yet because he doesn't trust me or he hasn't let me in close enough.
This isn't a thing. Healthy people will trust you from the beginning, though the importance of the stuff they trust you with will be in proportion to where you are in the progression of your relationship. Again, it seems like you're accepting a one-down position in order to allow this thing to continue. A lot of people would call this emotional unavailability and bow out.
I used to think patterns like this played out more consciously than I think they really do. I wonder what models you're working with for what a good relationship looks like, and whether you've been in this type of situation before with people, because this dynamic doesn't have the flavor of something that pops up all of a sudden.
A lot of the stuff you're doing here might be a way for you to avoid answering a more important and more difficult question than the one you're asking here, namely, what do you want?
To navigate this, I think you should stop dating him and read through human relations questions here on the green for awhile, until you know after reading the questions what the best answers are probably going to look like. Baggage Reclaim is another really good site. Also, please be aware of how destructive it was to bring B into this situation the way you did, and recognize that the anger you felt towards A at the time does not excuse it.
posted by alphanerd at 5:39 PM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Dear all, I am grateful for your respective comments. Many of you have asked me what I want. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am, despite my mistakes, despite my darkness. I've acknowledged fully that it was a bad move on my part to engage B because I wasn't sure if A was playing me with C. Then again, I feel that it's been bit hurtful because people do slip up, and I just wish with all my heart that A could choose to forgive me and accept me and move on in good faith, instead of holding it against me by changing the status from "potentially serious to now casual" despite me being truly contrite about it quickly. Then again, perhaps I should be glad that A is honest with me about how he feels, rather than stringing me along because it's easy to do so with sex in the picture, but that he's made it a point to update me on things. The thing is this too, every relationship has its ups and downs; it's definitely easier to give up on things at this point and move on to the next new person(s). But it's not every day that I meet someone super special and see something more than I usually would have; and for that I feel that this perhaps needs to be given more time. I could wait say, a couple of months more at most and see whether things between A and myself will improve until then. That if, as A has said, "let's just accept that this has happened and we could let time spent make it better" and if it doesn't, I'm certain that I will walk away fully by then and not look back. Re to alpha nerd, Natlue from Baggage Reclaim has helped tremendously, and I am learning about boundaries and to love self and others properly more in the process by not acting out or accepting unnecessary drama.
posted by eustaciavye87 at 10:10 PM on August 3, 2015
posted by eustaciavye87 at 10:10 PM on August 3, 2015
Best answer: I'm sorry, but this is not likely end the way you want it to. You're making someone a priority who's treating you as an option. The feelings you want for him to have for you simply aren't there for him to have.
Maybe it's not so much that you don't know what you want as that you don't have the skills yet to divest, to disengage when it doesn't work out, or maybe to recognize when you need to do this, especially when A is working to keep pushing things in a direction you don't want. And I think that what you are identifying as this powerful force of attraction is really just fear, repelling you in a powerful way from having to face the difficult task of turning away from someone you like and admit you were wrong about him. He doesn't sound like that great a guy.
Look at the asymmetry here. You're here telling us about how special this guy is and how much you see in him, but he's not giving any evidence that he sees that in you, and you will be happier if you move on and don't settle for a guy who doesn't think you're fucking awesome and isn't willing to commit if that's what you want.
He's telling you that he just sees this as casual, and you're talking about his honesty as though it's this admirable thing, but really it's just the bare minimum of respect that people should extend to one another in a situation like this, and not more. That's one of those things that makes me think there's a lot more to unpack with your relationship history, because it's a sign that your sense of what's normal isn't calibrated in a way that's going to lead you into healthy situations.
Please think about what it means to be good to yourself. There was a time when you didn't feel these powerful feelings for A. They're not inevitable. They will go away if you do what it takes to make them stop.
posted by alphanerd at 12:59 AM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Maybe it's not so much that you don't know what you want as that you don't have the skills yet to divest, to disengage when it doesn't work out, or maybe to recognize when you need to do this, especially when A is working to keep pushing things in a direction you don't want. And I think that what you are identifying as this powerful force of attraction is really just fear, repelling you in a powerful way from having to face the difficult task of turning away from someone you like and admit you were wrong about him. He doesn't sound like that great a guy.
Look at the asymmetry here. You're here telling us about how special this guy is and how much you see in him, but he's not giving any evidence that he sees that in you, and you will be happier if you move on and don't settle for a guy who doesn't think you're fucking awesome and isn't willing to commit if that's what you want.
He's telling you that he just sees this as casual, and you're talking about his honesty as though it's this admirable thing, but really it's just the bare minimum of respect that people should extend to one another in a situation like this, and not more. That's one of those things that makes me think there's a lot more to unpack with your relationship history, because it's a sign that your sense of what's normal isn't calibrated in a way that's going to lead you into healthy situations.
Please think about what it means to be good to yourself. There was a time when you didn't feel these powerful feelings for A. They're not inevitable. They will go away if you do what it takes to make them stop.
posted by alphanerd at 12:59 AM on August 4, 2015 [6 favorites]
Often, people ask relationship questions where they know the relationship is not a good one and the only possible answer is to end things, but they really want the Hivemind to tell them that the situation is actually okay. In general, questions that are longer and filled with extraneous detail all point to answers of, "This is not a healthy relationship and you need to end it," but the Asker doesn't want to hear that.
You don't want to hear that this relationship isn't good, but it isn't. You've got a little inner voice saying you're not happy, but you're twisting yourself into knots trying to prove to us that this is a great guy and you're gonna stick it out for a few months to see what happens. *and hey, you've been dating for about three months; just END it already.
You know what's going to happen in a few months? He'll continue to contact you when he wants to have sex with you, unless he meets someone else to have sex with.
Nothing else is going to change. This will not be a romantic Hollywood moment where he realizes you've been the ONE for him all along and he's going to suddenly start returning texts like a NORMAL person and take you on dates and introduce you to his family as his girlfriend.
None of that is going to happen. Don't give it a few more months. He is not Hugh Grant in a terrible romcom.
He's just a guy who is happy to sleep with you and nothing more. You deserve better.
posted by kinetic at 4:23 AM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
You don't want to hear that this relationship isn't good, but it isn't. You've got a little inner voice saying you're not happy, but you're twisting yourself into knots trying to prove to us that this is a great guy and you're gonna stick it out for a few months to see what happens. *and hey, you've been dating for about three months; just END it already.
You know what's going to happen in a few months? He'll continue to contact you when he wants to have sex with you, unless he meets someone else to have sex with.
Nothing else is going to change. This will not be a romantic Hollywood moment where he realizes you've been the ONE for him all along and he's going to suddenly start returning texts like a NORMAL person and take you on dates and introduce you to his family as his girlfriend.
None of that is going to happen. Don't give it a few more months. He is not Hugh Grant in a terrible romcom.
He's just a guy who is happy to sleep with you and nothing more. You deserve better.
posted by kinetic at 4:23 AM on August 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: These intermittent rewards he gives you feels really really good, and I get it-- you like him and you're addicted to it. He gives you just enough of himself to leave you wanting more, and then disengages at the peak of your interest, perpetuating the cycle.
You said it yourself; the entire time, even with your sex life, he's been teasing you. He's doing it with the actual relationship, too.
I've been there. Heck, we've all been there. It's a hard thing to disengage from. That sporadic reward feels like heaven.
You using B's attention as leverage in your relationship with A is your way of subconsciously trying to balance the power dynamic. I feel like it's a 'look at me, people want me too, I'm great too, let me show you by encouraging this affection!' reaction. It's a crummy thing to do, although I know why you did it. The thing is, you're treating A like he's super great because he's a young entrepreneur and has vision and he's done this and that and whatnot, but he's human like everyone else. He poops just like everyone else and probably has a weird O face. He's not that Grey fellow. That person doesn't exist. Even if guys like that do exist, they'd just be maladjusted selfish jerks and absolutely not boyfriend material. The sooner you realize that, the easier it'll be to disengage from this drama-fest. And you know it's a drama fest. You're using drama to cry out for attention. Your needs aren't being met, so you're trying to make them be met by constantly drawing attention to the issues in the relationship. Ask me how I know this.
You need to just stop talking to him and move on. This part is key-- just end it and don't talk to him-- if you keep engaging him, the cycle won't be broken. Only hindsight can help you now.
And I know it's going to be hard, and I know you probably won't do it-- when I was in your situation, I had difficulties disengaging from someone similar-- a person who I loved dearly, but constantly treated me hot and cold, like he was scared of our relationship. Like I wasn't who he saw himself with, or like he just wasn't ready to take the next step with me. It never got better. And it won't. I think you know this deep down. Eventually, he'll just find someone he CAN see himself being with, and pursue then exclusively and enthusiastically. You deserve someone who is excited to contact you, who you feel safe and secure around, who isn't emotionless, or plays games. There's someone like that out there for you, but you won't find it pining over this dude.
One last thing, are you sometimes a bit manipulative? It's not fair to play games or use someone to garner attention, like B, when you're mad at someone else. While A's relationship with C is a bit suss, yes, you're the new one on the scene (3 months, and for one of those months you just talked on FB) and C is one of his closest childhood friends. Visiting their hometown together, or going away together, really isn't that big a deal if you think they probably planned a lot of it prior to you being on the scene. I don't think it's fair to get all possessive about his friends this early on-- getting a stranded is a pretty good reason to go pick up a friend, especially at night. Sometimes those things can't be helped. If it was a male friend, would you have cared? If next time a problem like this arises, approach it calmly, take a deep breath and explain your misgivings and what you're really feeling. Throwing a tantrum because you're jealous and feeling entitled to his attention (if you cared about ME more than HER you wouldn't go pick her up right now!!) is not healthy, just creates animosity-- nor does it result in what you really want-- his attention. You really need to try to work on that knee-jerk reaction of yours in future.
Best of luck.
posted by Dimes at 8:57 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
You said it yourself; the entire time, even with your sex life, he's been teasing you. He's doing it with the actual relationship, too.
I've been there. Heck, we've all been there. It's a hard thing to disengage from. That sporadic reward feels like heaven.
You using B's attention as leverage in your relationship with A is your way of subconsciously trying to balance the power dynamic. I feel like it's a 'look at me, people want me too, I'm great too, let me show you by encouraging this affection!' reaction. It's a crummy thing to do, although I know why you did it. The thing is, you're treating A like he's super great because he's a young entrepreneur and has vision and he's done this and that and whatnot, but he's human like everyone else. He poops just like everyone else and probably has a weird O face. He's not that Grey fellow. That person doesn't exist. Even if guys like that do exist, they'd just be maladjusted selfish jerks and absolutely not boyfriend material. The sooner you realize that, the easier it'll be to disengage from this drama-fest. And you know it's a drama fest. You're using drama to cry out for attention. Your needs aren't being met, so you're trying to make them be met by constantly drawing attention to the issues in the relationship. Ask me how I know this.
You need to just stop talking to him and move on. This part is key-- just end it and don't talk to him-- if you keep engaging him, the cycle won't be broken. Only hindsight can help you now.
And I know it's going to be hard, and I know you probably won't do it-- when I was in your situation, I had difficulties disengaging from someone similar-- a person who I loved dearly, but constantly treated me hot and cold, like he was scared of our relationship. Like I wasn't who he saw himself with, or like he just wasn't ready to take the next step with me. It never got better. And it won't. I think you know this deep down. Eventually, he'll just find someone he CAN see himself being with, and pursue then exclusively and enthusiastically. You deserve someone who is excited to contact you, who you feel safe and secure around, who isn't emotionless, or plays games. There's someone like that out there for you, but you won't find it pining over this dude.
One last thing, are you sometimes a bit manipulative? It's not fair to play games or use someone to garner attention, like B, when you're mad at someone else. While A's relationship with C is a bit suss, yes, you're the new one on the scene (3 months, and for one of those months you just talked on FB) and C is one of his closest childhood friends. Visiting their hometown together, or going away together, really isn't that big a deal if you think they probably planned a lot of it prior to you being on the scene. I don't think it's fair to get all possessive about his friends this early on-- getting a stranded is a pretty good reason to go pick up a friend, especially at night. Sometimes those things can't be helped. If it was a male friend, would you have cared? If next time a problem like this arises, approach it calmly, take a deep breath and explain your misgivings and what you're really feeling. Throwing a tantrum because you're jealous and feeling entitled to his attention (if you cared about ME more than HER you wouldn't go pick her up right now!!) is not healthy, just creates animosity-- nor does it result in what you really want-- his attention. You really need to try to work on that knee-jerk reaction of yours in future.
Best of luck.
posted by Dimes at 8:57 AM on August 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
The way to find out where someone's head is at is to ask them. If you want to know what he's thinking/feeling about you, ask him. Reading tea leaves is not a way to have any kind of solid relationship.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:17 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 10:17 AM on August 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
A received a text message from C that she was stranded in one of the public trains which broke down, and A told me that he had to send me home so that he could send her home. I had a meltdown after that and told A the next morning that I would rather just end things because I felt that something was very wrong if he could simply choose C over me.
I... don't think this is that weird? I've driven across town(or rented a carshare, or taken a cab, or whatever) to help out friends in situations like this. And yes, i would probably choose to help out of a friend i'd known forever who needed help over someone i had just started seeing, because otherwise what's the point of serious friendships? I've also gone on trips like that with my close ladyfriend when i was seeing someone and yea, it was just a vacation.
I think A's interaction with C is a red herring here, and your jealousy over it as well. The real problem here is his weird behavior in general. A lot of my friends would call this guy a fuckboy. He's playing you, and using you as his plan B for sex whenever his plan A(which i really bet exists, but likely isn't C) cancels or is unavailable.
I really don't believe this guy is just sleeping with you, honestly.
As a side note, i know a bunch of bike messengers/delivery guys, and it really does seem like a lot of people who work that job are assholes and terrible at relationships. Why? I have no idea, but i've watched dumb situations like this play out over and over.
If it helps, A is someone who is mature, sensitive, street-smart and intelligent, though he may seem unpredictable or flippant, I get a sense that he knows what he's doing.
As this goes on, you list a lot of conflicting qualities that make no sense together. It's like jello cement, or something. I'd think long and hard about what qualities he's presenting and trying hard to show he represents versus which ones show up during hard moments, fights, when someone annoying jumps up in life.
Basically i think he's fronting that he's a lot more mature than he actually is or realistically acts. I've done it, a lot of guys have done it early in a relationship. Guys like this basically live that. And you end up with lots of contradictions in their "character" with traits that make no sense together without a lot of mental gymnastics.
Pretty much, i think this guy sounds like a lot more of a mess than you realize.
posted by emptythought at 2:03 PM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I... don't think this is that weird? I've driven across town(or rented a carshare, or taken a cab, or whatever) to help out friends in situations like this. And yes, i would probably choose to help out of a friend i'd known forever who needed help over someone i had just started seeing, because otherwise what's the point of serious friendships? I've also gone on trips like that with my close ladyfriend when i was seeing someone and yea, it was just a vacation.
I think A's interaction with C is a red herring here, and your jealousy over it as well. The real problem here is his weird behavior in general. A lot of my friends would call this guy a fuckboy. He's playing you, and using you as his plan B for sex whenever his plan A(which i really bet exists, but likely isn't C) cancels or is unavailable.
I really don't believe this guy is just sleeping with you, honestly.
As a side note, i know a bunch of bike messengers/delivery guys, and it really does seem like a lot of people who work that job are assholes and terrible at relationships. Why? I have no idea, but i've watched dumb situations like this play out over and over.
If it helps, A is someone who is mature, sensitive, street-smart and intelligent, though he may seem unpredictable or flippant, I get a sense that he knows what he's doing.
As this goes on, you list a lot of conflicting qualities that make no sense together. It's like jello cement, or something. I'd think long and hard about what qualities he's presenting and trying hard to show he represents versus which ones show up during hard moments, fights, when someone annoying jumps up in life.
Basically i think he's fronting that he's a lot more mature than he actually is or realistically acts. I've done it, a lot of guys have done it early in a relationship. Guys like this basically live that. And you end up with lots of contradictions in their "character" with traits that make no sense together without a lot of mental gymnastics.
Pretty much, i think this guy sounds like a lot more of a mess than you realize.
posted by emptythought at 2:03 PM on August 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
« Older When to say "thanks, but no thanks" | Where can I buy a couple hundred plain cost... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by KateViolet at 12:45 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]