Confused by the outcome and would like your opinion on what caused his c

July 18, 2015 9:25 PM

I was dating someone for about 2-3 months. When I felt that his behaviour was changing slightly towards the end, I initiated a talk to clarify where things were going in relation to us. I was not expecting the response I got considering he had been the one who seemed very keen in pursuing me consistently right from the start.

I met a great guy online and we connected straight away. After 2 weeks of emailing everyday, we met up and went out for a month (2-3 dates per week). Everything was great on both sides (good chemistry, compatibility, common goals, values etc) and things seemed to be progressing well. He was coming on quite strong in the beginning and initiated almost all of the dates and daily contact (over text) but I always responded positively. I didnt really get much of a chance to do any initiation myself as he always had something planned and it didnt seem to bother him much. He was definitely more into me than I was into him at this stage. He also set the expectations as he talked about seeing good long term potential with me, hinted about us planning things together in the future, about wanting to see me more often when we became official and specifically stated that “something would probably be wrong if we were still dating on a casual basis after 2 months time”.

After the first month, he had to go away on work and he maintained contact (over text) everyday while he was away. He cut his trip short after 5 weeks and came back early so that we would not “lose momentum”. However upon his return, I felt his behaviour changed slightly in that he was no longer initiating dates as frequently but he still maintained daily contact over text. I also sensed an emotional distance so slightly pulled away myself not knowing what was going on. He was also busy with other social plans with friends and colleagues. We didnt see each other at all the first weekend back and it was unusual since we had spent most of the weekends together before he went away. The same pattern continued over the second week and from my perception we seemed to be drifting apart slowly.

I decided to ask him if there was anything wrong as I felt things were not progressing as before - he was defensive and mentioned that he had been waiting for me to be more proactive and initiate dates to show my interest. Admittedly I hadnt been doing this since he came back and I felt that this issue could be easily resolved if it was the only reason for his change in behaviour. As it had now been 3 months since we first started communicating (including the 5 weeks apart) and he was going to be away again for another month, I also told him that I didnt just want a casual relationship where I saw someone once or twice a week and was looking for something more. I also told him that I didnt feel things were progressing in that direction as I had assumed something had changed at his end. He seemed firstly surprised and he started off by saying that it was early days for us and that he liked me and liked hanging out with me so there was no drama. He also felt it was unfair of me to complain since I hadnt initiated dates either which I totally accept. When I pressed for some more info, he then was a bit uncomfortable and said that he was being hesitant because he was going away again and normally he would want to be spending more time at this stage as well. He apologised for being complicated and didnt really give me a concrete answer beyond that. I told him that we should probably decide one way or another before he went away again.

The following day I received a text stating that he was sorry because ‘he wasnt emotionally there’ and felt he should no longer stand in the way of me finding someone who can be more appreciative. It was obviously not the answer I was hoping for - I thought he would atleast leave the door open by suggesting issues that would need to be resolved first or asking for more space or time if he was interested in continuing this. I was confused and did not expect the complete 180 degree change especially after him making the effort to cut his business trip short for our sake.

In the beginning things had been progressing just fine so I wanted to get your opinion on whether I should have just gone with the flow and let things develop naturally and initiated more dates etc to demonstrate my interest to him as he wanted me to? I feel like I might have sabotaged the budding relationship by having the ‘talk’ too soon and by incorrectly reading into his actions and asking for answers based on incorrect assumptions. Did asking for an answer before he went away put pressure on him and push him away or did I actually save myself time and energy by bringing this up when I did? I know things had been a bit rocky since he got back because of our misunderstanding and he probably wasnt feeling in the best emotional state about us but I wasn’t expecting the result as he had set the expectations right from the beginning.
Thank you in advance.

posted by sara479 to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: I suspect he met someone else and is lying to you, but I obviously have no way of confirming that.

If he were actually interested in being with you, then the normal response to "Hey, why aren't we seeing each other as much?" would be, "Let's see each other more!" If I were you, I'd work toward being happy I got out of relationship with a defensive blame-shifting guy who seems to like playing games.
posted by jaguar at 9:38 PM on July 18, 2015 [18 favorites]

I hate to say it but it sounds like he just lost interest for whatever reason. It sounds like he'd rather keep it private than tell you, which is annoying but not unusual. People will stay random stuff when put on the spot like this, either out of cowardice or convenience. Perhaps you could have taken more initiative but the bottom line is that he isn't interested in you any more, and it likely wouldn't have been an issue if he were truly interested himself. I'm really sorry because I know the realization can hurt a lot; however, you're in good company as so many of us have been there at some point.

You said he "felt he should no longer stand in the way of me finding someone who can be more appreciative."

Ugh, this is his way of saying he's just not into you, now or in the future. It is annoying to hear because he's not able to say this flat out. However, he made his point: rather than try to analyze exactly what happened (easier said than done!), I'd focus on yourself and the potential to find someone who is 100% into you for the awesome person you already are.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:46 PM on July 18, 2015 [9 favorites]

Best answer: did I actually save myself time and energy by bringing this up when I did?

always always always always always always always always always always always always always

Good for you.

Sorry it didn't work out, but aren't you glad you know now instead of after another two+ months of this?
posted by phunniemee at 10:15 PM on July 18, 2015 [30 favorites]

Best answer: I had something almost exactly like this happen to me. The first time it lasted about three months and then he did a slow fade, eventually blaming it on "I don't feel like we have much in common and you deserve better" - which was total BS. He came back a year later, after we had kept in touch as friends, to tell me that he had ended up getting back with his ex and didn't know how to tell me. He apologized profusely, asked for another chance, and things went great for several months. Like, amazing. He seemed to be giving it his all, we even talked about moving in together, vaguely about feelings on marriage and kids, we were completely on the same page and crazy about each other... Until the same thing happened, where out of nowhere he became distant, claimed I deserved more than he could give me, etc etc. Blamed it on work, blamed it on being too busy, blamed it on every damn thing but the truth. Turns out he started seeing someone else and apparently no longer felt a romantic connection, although he was extremely serious about me and adamant about making the relationship work before.

The lesson here, that I still sometimes struggle to really accept over six months after the breakup: it was not about me. It was nothing I did wrong or didn't do. It was just his inability to communicate effectively about what was really going on, or to respect me enough to treat me like I deserved. He liked me enough to keep me around for a while, but when someone better came along he bailed.

TL;DR This likely has nothing at all to do with you, or anything you did or didn't do. Don't beat yourself up over what you should have done differently. It's not you. You truly do deserve better than this. It's extremely frustrating and confusing and I'm sorry that this happened to you. Be glad that this happened relatively early on in the relationship instead of after you had even more invested, and move on and find somebody who won't play these games with you.
posted by Malleable at 10:17 PM on July 18, 2015 [9 favorites]

I also thought he was seeing someone else. He was surprised you noticed so soon.

You did great!!
posted by jbenben at 10:19 PM on July 18, 2015 [5 favorites]

Wow, there's a book by Lundy Bancroft about abusive and controlling men and he has a chapter about red flags women should take seriously and Be very wary of when dating a guy, and this guy you dated (bullet you dodged) is seriously just ticking all of them off by the details you gave of his behavior towards you. I honestly feel chills reading about his behavior.

It doesn't matter if he was seeing someone else (though if he was, that poor new woman might need our prayers for her well-being) or decided to join a cult. He's not a prize you lost, trust me. He seriously sounds like the kind of guy Bancroft warns women of!

Celebrate escaping this guy. Seriously. I just had to get the book out and re read, and holy cow.
posted by discopolo at 10:53 PM on July 18, 2015 [7 favorites]

(Don't let this guy worm his way back into wanting to date you again when he eventually does, because they do this sort of drama llama manipulative stuff and he will if the new one gets away or doesn't get out. You don't know how incredibly relieved I am for you.)
posted by discopolo at 10:57 PM on July 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I've read your question a few times, and am seeing a couple of slightly more charitable interpretations than the ones above (although of course they're just as possible). I too thought it might be he'd had a flirtation, or something, maybe on that trip. (I thought maybe it was something not compelling enough on its own to force a decision or even inspire him to do anything about the other person, but enough to maybe turn his head, just a little, and get him to pull back a bit.)

Then, I thought maybe there's no one else, and it really was just a break in momentum. You'd spent every weekend together for a month, obviously a common thing with new relationships. At some point, there's usually a moment where you come up for air, and remember that you have friends you haven't seen in a while. Sometimes both people do that at the same time, and it's fine. (Sometimes it happens to one person first, and it's a little awkward.) Maybe, the time away did it for him, and he just eased off temporarily to reconnect with his people. In which case, your question might have seemed abrupt to him (you say he was "surprised"), and depending on what you mean when you say you "pressed" him, maybe it did change his view of you, and put him a bit on the defensive, and he just said anything that came to mind, owing to feeling caught off-guard, and maybe a teensy bit irritated at having been pressured.

But if that's what happened, you'd hope he'd have had the insight to recognize the discrepancy between his early intensity and his current behaviour, and appreciate why you might feel put out, and also be invested enough to want to communicate.

Either way, he switched off, and you felt it, and I don't think you were wrong to want to talk about it. Since the conversation went the way it did, you're probably incompatible (in terms of emotional awareness, communication ability, interest, whichever), and it's for the best. (If it turns out he is actually abusive or a game-player, it was definitely for the best.)

tl;dr - no, you didn't do anything wrong.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:19 PM on July 18, 2015 [2 favorites]

I also got the feeling there was someone else involved. You only initiated "the talk" because you knew something was wrong. If you'd "gone with the flow" it would have just dragged it out and resulted in an infuriating slow fade.
posted by intensitymultiply at 11:51 PM on July 18, 2015 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for all your responses. Its reassuring to know that I didn't do anything wrong and could not have changed the outcome by having done something different. I am still in an emotional state to be able to look at this objectively so really appreciate your comments.
posted by sara479 at 12:55 AM on July 19, 2015 [1 favorite]

TL;DR This likely has nothing at all to do with you, or anything you did or didn't do. Don't beat yourself up over what you should have done differently. It's not you. You truly do deserve better than this. It's extremely frustrating and confusing and I'm sorry that this happened to you. Be glad that this happened relatively early on in the relationship instead of after you had even more invested, and move on and find somebody who won't play these games with you.

Quoted for truth! Well put, malleable. I dated a woman who behaved this way some years ago, and it took me the better part of a year to realize that it wasn't my fault. I hope you process this faster than I did.
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:00 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

Did asking for an answer before he went away put pressure on him and push him away or did I actually save myself time and energy by bringing this up when I did? I know things had been a bit rocky since he got back because of our misunderstanding and he probably wasnt feeling in the best emotional state about us but I wasn’t expecting the result as he had set the expectations right from the beginning.

I think you are right; you saved yourself time and energy. As far as him setting expectations, that is so frustrating. Some people seem to talk about getting serious way too quickly. It's nice to know if someone sees potential for a long-term relationship but in some cases-- like with this person-- making big announcements about it seems to almost cause them to back off sooner. It's as if they start to chafe under pressure of their own making. But that is their problem really, not yours. Just move on and, the next time someone gets intense in the beginning, watch out.
posted by BibiRose at 7:10 AM on July 19, 2015 [2 favorites]

Yes, you saved time and energy, and you communicated directly about changes you noticed. Celebrate those things as best you can.

I think people often get really into the idea of dating other people. In my experience, it's especially those that come on too strong that are likely to fizzle out pretty quickly. Usually because they're really into the idea of the other person without being prepared for the reality. And online dating doesn't really help that.

I'm sorry you were hurt and disappointed. Nurture those feelings as best you can without trying to analyze this into being more okay. Easier said than done, but it sounds like you acted with a lot of maturity.
posted by mermaidcafe at 3:59 PM on July 20, 2015 [1 favorite]