Save me from my dumb brain
April 16, 2014 2:59 PM Subscribe
How can I stop thinking about the woman who broke my heart?
This fall, I had an intense fling with a woman I've known for years. We were both in a vulnerable place coming out of breakups. We both thought we needed to be single, and had intended for it to stay casual... which was naive. But because we thought the stakes were low, and we were both so raw, the emotional connection felt stronger than anything I've ever felt. We were so open and honest and intimate.
We were separated by distance in the winter, and I was distant toward her because I was afraid of letting something more serious develop. So she started seeing another man. I took it very badly. She told me she wanted to be in something real that was going to go somewhere, and said if I wanted to talk about making a future, living together, and having kids, we could. I thought hard about it and decided I really wanted to have that with her. I've never been there before, but I opened myself up to it. After a lot of talk we decided we would give it a real shot.
I came to where she lived, and everything seemed to have changed. She was irritable, impatient, critical, unwelcoming, distant. My attempts to talk about what was going on mostly made her angry. There were moments where I could feel the same connection as before, but after a messy and complicated two weeks, she concluded she just can't be in a relationship right now. It seemed like she wanted to leave the door open for some day in the future. I left.
We stayed in touch for a while, which she wanted, but I continued to demand more than she could give, she got colder and colder, and the conversations became just us getting mad at each other. I decided I needed to go a while without talking to her, and told her I'd get back in touch in May. It's been six weeks since I saw her and three since we talked.
I think she is right, she can't be in a relationship right now. Maybe I can't really either. I can see a lot of ways in which this was unhealthy and bad for both of us. I know if we're ever going to have something that works, we both need to be in a better place. I know maybe what we thought we had in the first place was just temporary and brought on by circumstances. I know I can't control her or this situation. I know right now I need to be focusing on making myself a happier and better person.
But I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop fantasizing about a happy ending for us. I feel so much loss and disappointment. And then hurt and anger. How could someone say such big this about commitment and the future, and just change their mind? I can't stop worrying about what will happen when we talk again, and I keep fighting out worst-case scenarios.
There have been times when I am distracted and with friends, when I feel okay. But any time I am a little bored, I start to feel lonely, and everything makes me think of her. It's very sad but at this point it is also maddening. I don't want to be thinking about her, I want this to go away. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't get to sleep at night, and I wake up thinking about her. Right now I am in a foreign country visiting some friends. I have a lot of travel plans in the near future. This should be a really good time for me, but thinking of her is making it really hard to enjoy myself.
Broken hearts take time to heal. Is there anything I can do to make my brain stop churning pointlessly like this?
Thank you for any help you can give.