Am I setting myself up to be hurt?

July 13, 2015 11:46 PM

I was dating a guy for a few weeks and now we've become friends with benefits. After we talked about experiences in the past when we were victims of sexual assault, he brought up related fantasies. I'm not sure how to feel.

Let's call this guy David. The few weeks we dated were very nice. We got along great, had a ton of fun and never stopped talking. I started sleeping over his apartment and felt like we were moving fast. I asked him for an update on what he wanted ideally and where he could see this going. He said he wasn't sure he could do commitment given his workload at school next semester, and that he likely won't have much free time for a relationship. Us being about an hour commute apart didn't help. This initially disappointed me, as it wasn't what he claimed he was looking for to begin with. After a few days I decided that I shouldn't sleep over his apartment anymore but I would like to try being friends with benefits. He agreed. The next day or so he mentioned a date flaking out on him and it bothered me, but I got over it.

One day we had a very open conversation after a few drinks about our experiences being raped by ex boyfriends (7 years ago for me, about 8 months for him). It was a good conversation and I think it strengthened our friendship.

About a week later we were having a very flirty text conversation when the topic of fantasies came up. He said he had a rape fantasy but wasn't sure he could ever go through with it. He also had a fantasy of a guy lying there, limp, while he did what he wanted (with limits set beforehand). I asked him if he had this fantasy because of what happened to him, especially because it was still so recent. He said no. I said I might be open to try but I needed to think about it.

I talked to a girl friend about the whole thing. She said she, too, was sexually assaulted and had tried out this fantasy with a boyfriend. She said it was fun at the time but it brought a lot of old feelings to the surface and I should really consider that before I decided.

I started to question if it was a good idea to have sex with someone who wanted me to act like I didn't want to, or to lie there limply. And what that said about him. In this fantasy, was I supposed to be unconscious, or dead? I didn't ask. I decided that it was not something I could do, especially given our experiences. He said he was okay with that and he didn't think he could do it either.

We still wanted to continue having sex, though. Now I'm not so sure it's a good idea. Is it possible to resume a "normal" sex life after that discussion? I think I have too many conflicting feelings. Are those kinds of sexual fantasies normal, or should I not involve myself with someone who could do those things? He has been less talkative lately, very rarely initiating conversation and responding sporadically. This is not how it used to be. We have not hung out since these discussions. I made plans with him to once, to hang out and have sex after, but cancelled the day of because I was feeling anxious and sort of dreading it. Should I follow my gut, or give this a shot? I have a history of bailing when things get rough and I worry my perception is off.

posted by blackzinfandel to Human Relations (11 answers total)

You should cut things off with him altogether. You can find a guy who wants the same level of relationship commitment you want, and if ultimately what you want is truly a friend with benefits, you can find one who isn't into things that may be traumatic to you.

My vote is just move on. Many fish in the sea.
posted by lewedswiver at 11:57 PM on July 13, 2015 [14 favorites]

People process trauma all different ways, so "normal" is relative. This is certainly in the wheelhouse of normal.

I think you should cut it off because the good vibes are gone. And he doesn't want a commitment. That's reason enough.
posted by jbenben at 12:26 AM on July 14, 2015 [23 favorites]

Best answer: Are those kinds of sexual fantasies normal,

Sexual fantasies about one person having power over another are pretty darn common. You only have to look at the subject matter of today's porn to know that. That doesn't mean everyone has them though. Lots of people don't have any interest in having sexual power over anyone, or vice versa. My partner doesn't feel that way, for instance. So, you don't have to feel weird if the idea of a rape fantasy turns you off.

Is it possible to resume a "normal" sex life after that discussion?

I guess it depends on the people. Are you going to be able to forget about what he said, or is it going to continue to haunt you? From the way you're reacting, it sounds like the latter. Personally, I think knowing that he was into rape fantasies would permanently change the way I thought about him and approached sex with him.

He has been less talkative lately, very rarely initiating conversation and responding sporadically. This is not how it used to be. We have not hung out since these discussions. I made plans with him to once, to hang out and have sex after, but cancelled the day of because I was feeling anxious and sort of dreading it.

Sounds like things are falling apart all on their own. I think you should just let them. Dreading having to see someone is a pretty bad sign. You know, you really don't need a good intellectual reason to break things off with someone. Just feeling like the situation is all wrong is reason enough.

I have a history of bailing when things get rough and I worry my perception is off.

Yeah, I know what you mean by that. I went through the same thing. I think there's a fine line between working through the rough patches and beating a dead horse. In my personal experience, the best approach is to listen to your emotions and instinct, because how long are you realistically going to be able to force yourself to tolerate a situation that just feels all wrong to you? When your instinct is screaming at you to get out, how long are you going to be able to force yourself to stay put? If you're anything like me, not very long.
posted by sam_harms at 12:52 AM on July 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

I'd agree with other posters that you guys wanting different things in this relationship is the real issue, not the fantasy or roleplay stuff. If you guys were both falling in love and he wanted to try some role play like this, then it would be worth trying to untangle how you feel about it and what it means about him. But you have a friends with benefits thing going on, and reading between the lines it seems like you are developing deeper feelings and he's not. He sees you as somebody he doesn't want to date, but does want to bang sometimes. That what friends with benefits means. Unless you see him the same way, there's a big problem.

In my experience in a situation like this, you can tell yourself you'll only get so attached and you'll just enjoy the friendship and banging, but then your feelings just keep getting stronger. If he is already dating other people and telling you about it, and you are not happy about that, this is not a good situation.

Seriously, wish him well and say goodbye before your feelings for him get any stronger and you wind up getting hurt. You really don't want to end up in love with somebody who doesn't love you back. That's hell.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:23 AM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I think rape fantasies are not uncommon, but the fact that he brought his up very soon after you talked about your real life experiences is a bit disquieting. I think your gut is telling you that this guy is not for you and that it is right.
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:42 AM on July 14, 2015 [18 favorites]

Best answer: It's not always a bad thing to bail when things get tough. Perseverance is for situations where there's a lot of time and history and good stuff invested, not for disappointing and triggering fwb situations. Self-preservation is not the same as just being a quitter. Take care of yourself.
posted by mermaidcafe at 2:49 AM on July 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

Are those kinds of sexual fantasies normal,

Entirely. That doesn't mean that what is a fantasy has to become roleplay, though.

In this fantasy, was I supposed to be unconscious, or dead? I didn't ask.

Just so you know, dominance fantasies (in all of their varieties) are so, so common but necrophilic fantasies are so rare that it literally would never have occurred to me to wonder about this.

I decided that it was not something I could do, especially given our experiences. He said he was okay with that and he didn't think he could do it either.

Well, so fine, what is the problem? It's reading to me like you're becoming fearful and punitive about a person because they've revealed a completely common imaginary thing to you.

All of that said, it seems like this FWB thing is unbalanced and causing you pain and disappointment because you actually wanted more than FWB with this guy. If you're looking for a reason to bail, you don't need one. There is no commitment here, and you can just say it's not going to work with your current dating goals.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:47 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

It doesn't really matter if it's common or not it just matters whether or not you want to explore that. If common means 'lots of people do it' then you have to ask how many of those people are victims of sexual assault. My guess is not many. To them the fantasy would be thrilling not harrowing. I guess it's his way of dealing with what happened to him but I find that less understandable than you not wanting to take part because of what happened to you. The question is 'do you want to?' Do you trust him to respect your boundaries/safe words etc.? As for being suspicious of the type of man who'd be into it, I understand but judge him on his behaviour.

Going by the on off behaviour, it seems as if the moment has passed in any case.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 6:12 AM on July 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

A lot of sexual assault survivors do have fantasies that resemble aspects of their assaults; the fantasies can be empowering, in that they give a survivor more control over a situation similar to the assault and can let the survivor work out some of their anxiety about the assault in a safe(r) situation (though there can be a lot of shame from survivors who think they're getting "stuck" in re-enacting the assault or aspects of the assault). And your friend sounds like he was respectful in not pressuring you and in backing off quickly (and being conflicted about it himself) when you said you weren't interested.

As others have said, though, it seems like there are other issues at play with you and him, and it's ok to decide you're not into the relationship.
posted by jaguar at 8:43 AM on July 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

It's totally OK for you to feel uncomfortable with the fantasy he disclosed, and it's ok for you to tell him that. But if you decide to talk about that fantasy with him again, please be very careful not to shame him for his sexuality. Most people who have fantasies like this - which, as everyone else said, are very common - have a lot of shame and anxiety around them. He trusted you with a big secret, so treat him gently.
posted by Cinnamon Bear at 8:48 AM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Best answer: There is nothing wrong with play acting a fantasy in a trusting relationship and such things can be therapeutic at times. But, if mishandled, they can also be really hurtful. It does not sound to me like you have the kind of solid intimate, trusting relationship that might fister this being a positive thing. When you have sexual trauma inyour past, sometimes people take a lurid, icky interest in that. The desire to shut them out when they dothat is a very bealthy impetus.

You might try journalling about this so you can sort out your complex fee!ings to your heart's content.
posted by Michele in California at 9:41 AM on July 14, 2015 [4 favorites]