My life is empty. Wat do?
July 10, 2015 7:48 AM Subscribe
19 year old dude here, history of disabling depression and social anxiety, with nothing to occupy his mind.
I live at home with my parents. I don't really have any friends or hobbies, no job or license either. Dropped out of high school & got my diploma online because of issues mentioned above. (One of my biggest phobias is writing for other people to see. Writing and posting this is a big fuck you to the noise upstairs.) I've spent the last 5 years of my life trying to self-medicate myself into a coma. I've also spent most of those 5 seeing various counselors and psychiatrists, but the relationship tends to ultimately flatline into a frustrated "Well, I can't fix your life for you." (Probably because I seem to want them to make decisions for me, sorta kinda exactly what I'm doing here! I never really got any good answers when I asked this question, though.)
I am incredibly inhibited and an inveterate perfectionist. Those two make for a super fun hikikomori party of one. I have, however, signed up with a local animal shelter to volunteer. I don't really have transportation down there, though.
I said no hobbies, though that's not strictly true, as I enjoy mucking in and around computers. I know a little programming. I simply am all too experienced at shooting myself down to get very far with it at this point. Something that has helped recently is weight-gain exercise instead of just cardio. I'd also like to do more exposure therapy type stuff à la rejection therapy. Because it works.
I just feel a little caught in a catch-22. What's some shit I could realistically do? More broadly, how could I go about becoming independent when I avoid everything so very, very much?
I live at home with my parents. I don't really have any friends or hobbies, no job or license either. Dropped out of high school & got my diploma online because of issues mentioned above. (One of my biggest phobias is writing for other people to see. Writing and posting this is a big fuck you to the noise upstairs.) I've spent the last 5 years of my life trying to self-medicate myself into a coma. I've also spent most of those 5 seeing various counselors and psychiatrists, but the relationship tends to ultimately flatline into a frustrated "Well, I can't fix your life for you." (Probably because I seem to want them to make decisions for me, sorta kinda exactly what I'm doing here! I never really got any good answers when I asked this question, though.)
I am incredibly inhibited and an inveterate perfectionist. Those two make for a super fun hikikomori party of one. I have, however, signed up with a local animal shelter to volunteer. I don't really have transportation down there, though.
I said no hobbies, though that's not strictly true, as I enjoy mucking in and around computers. I know a little programming. I simply am all too experienced at shooting myself down to get very far with it at this point. Something that has helped recently is weight-gain exercise instead of just cardio. I'd also like to do more exposure therapy type stuff à la rejection therapy. Because it works.
I just feel a little caught in a catch-22. What's some shit I could realistically do? More broadly, how could I go about becoming independent when I avoid everything so very, very much?
I would say thing 1 is get your driver's license. That's a project with clear steps (go to DMV, get permit, practice driving, take test) that will result not only in a feeling of accomplishment but also in the opening of new avenues for you.
And how you don't avoid it is just, not avoiding it.* Make yourself accountable to someone; tell your parent "hey, I want to go to the DMV on [day] and get my permit." Have them help you get your paperwork together and then day-of, just make you get your ass in the car and go. Once you're there you're pretty much going to follow through on waiting in line etc., and then ta da, step 1 done: permit.
So, if you want someone to tell you what to do with your life right now, there, someone just did. Oh, but--you're not allowed to argue with me about why you can't do THIS thing. If you tell people to run your life for you, you have to actually do what they say.
*And trust me, I know that is easier said than done. I didn't get my license until I was 21 for similar reasons.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:06 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
And how you don't avoid it is just, not avoiding it.* Make yourself accountable to someone; tell your parent "hey, I want to go to the DMV on [day] and get my permit." Have them help you get your paperwork together and then day-of, just make you get your ass in the car and go. Once you're there you're pretty much going to follow through on waiting in line etc., and then ta da, step 1 done: permit.
So, if you want someone to tell you what to do with your life right now, there, someone just did. Oh, but--you're not allowed to argue with me about why you can't do THIS thing. If you tell people to run your life for you, you have to actually do what they say.
*And trust me, I know that is easier said than done. I didn't get my license until I was 21 for similar reasons.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:06 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]
19 year old dude here, history of disabling depression and social anxiety,
Have you tried meds? What is the med history there?
posted by DarlingBri at 8:08 AM on July 10, 2015
Have you tried meds? What is the med history there?
posted by DarlingBri at 8:08 AM on July 10, 2015
I think your writing is good, FWIW.
Here are some ideas:
1. Couch-2-5k. Learn to run. Unless you are a runner already I can virtually guarantee you will feel accomplished if you do this. The plan tells you exactly what to do, and there are plenty of supportive apps if you'd like them. Running will probably take you to new areas, or at least let you see new aspects to where you live. You will see things from a different perspective. You will feel stronger.
2. Comment in one thread on the Blue per day, even if it seems like everybody else knows way more about it. First steps of rejection therapy, plus you'll learn a lot.
3. Learn to cook. Pick one great breakfast, one great lunch and one great dinner to start with. Make what you love to eat. Cook for your family. Cooking is practical, sensual, generous, genuinely helpful to your family, and delicious. It's a life skill.
4. I agree that you should get your driver's license if you don't have it. I recommend going to driving school if you can afford it, since it can be stressful learning from your parents.
Your self-hatred sounds crushing. I promise, you are lovable. Learn to run, cook something good, and talk about interesting issues with online strangers and then tackle getting a job and moving out. You can do it. You're clearly smart.
posted by Cygnet at 8:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
Here are some ideas:
1. Couch-2-5k. Learn to run. Unless you are a runner already I can virtually guarantee you will feel accomplished if you do this. The plan tells you exactly what to do, and there are plenty of supportive apps if you'd like them. Running will probably take you to new areas, or at least let you see new aspects to where you live. You will see things from a different perspective. You will feel stronger.
2. Comment in one thread on the Blue per day, even if it seems like everybody else knows way more about it. First steps of rejection therapy, plus you'll learn a lot.
3. Learn to cook. Pick one great breakfast, one great lunch and one great dinner to start with. Make what you love to eat. Cook for your family. Cooking is practical, sensual, generous, genuinely helpful to your family, and delicious. It's a life skill.
4. I agree that you should get your driver's license if you don't have it. I recommend going to driving school if you can afford it, since it can be stressful learning from your parents.
Your self-hatred sounds crushing. I promise, you are lovable. Learn to run, cook something good, and talk about interesting issues with online strangers and then tackle getting a job and moving out. You can do it. You're clearly smart.
posted by Cygnet at 8:38 AM on July 10, 2015 [11 favorites]
Stop self-medicating and start actually medicating. You'll need a psychiatrist, which you may already have access to, for that. Just start at the usual beginning for anxiety mitigation so you can get out of your own way. Otherwise it's just going to be an endless string of "but I can't, but I can't, but I can't."
Engage with therapy and participate fully in it. If you need to, find someone who's a little less "smoosh-mash of talky methodologies"* and a little more rigidly CBT, so that you are going there with the purpose of learning skills that you'll then practice between classes, just like if you were going to a language or photography class.
*Honestly, I went through it at 19 myself and it still makes me mad. I was 19, my problems were very small and completely overwhelming, and I REALLY could have benefitted from some structure. If she had asked me to bring in a list of 10 types of situations I was struggling with, or 5 or 2, that could have been a jumping off point to talk about what to do when I felt X or how to manage fear or...it's very frustrating to me still, many years later.
I pretty much compulsively recommend that people do The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook before starting therapy, just to get a 101 on CBT and understand the lingo and structure. If you are one of those people who's a little scared of therapy because you don't already know how to do it, this is very helpful as something to hang on to.
Real talk, there's no way to get out of this without some discomfort, and I find that the lived experience of anxiety is this constant pursuit to avoid all discomfort at all costs, when the actual discomfort is usually less costly than the avoidance is. It's a broken fight-or-flight response, so that your lizard brain that's supposed to be afraid of predators eating you has turned into abject fear of a mosquito bite.
So maybe Job #1 is to learn to reframe discomfort. You must have learned to do that at least a little if you're doing weight-gain exercise. Sometimes the pain means it's working. And think of anxiety medication as the magnesium to improve your recovery time.
Get medication, and then learn to drive. Take lessons from a stranger IF AT ALL POSSIBLE because learning to drive from someone you know is excruciating. That's got nothing to do with a disability - most people are absolute shit at teaching people to drive, no matter how good they are at driving.
That rejection therapy game seems interesting, though I think you could learn better games from a CBT therapist. If you have a competitive nature that you can harness to motivate yourself, use the shit out of that, and say so to your therapist.
You're clearly very smart, and better-than-average articulate about your own challenges, so you are really much closer to a chain of breakthroughs than you think ...or maybe as close as you fear. That can be the scariest time, which is why it's time to be serious about constructing your support systems and going for it. Don't waste your life hiding inside, you have too much to offer for that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
Engage with therapy and participate fully in it. If you need to, find someone who's a little less "smoosh-mash of talky methodologies"* and a little more rigidly CBT, so that you are going there with the purpose of learning skills that you'll then practice between classes, just like if you were going to a language or photography class.
*Honestly, I went through it at 19 myself and it still makes me mad. I was 19, my problems were very small and completely overwhelming, and I REALLY could have benefitted from some structure. If she had asked me to bring in a list of 10 types of situations I was struggling with, or 5 or 2, that could have been a jumping off point to talk about what to do when I felt X or how to manage fear or...it's very frustrating to me still, many years later.
I pretty much compulsively recommend that people do The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook before starting therapy, just to get a 101 on CBT and understand the lingo and structure. If you are one of those people who's a little scared of therapy because you don't already know how to do it, this is very helpful as something to hang on to.
Real talk, there's no way to get out of this without some discomfort, and I find that the lived experience of anxiety is this constant pursuit to avoid all discomfort at all costs, when the actual discomfort is usually less costly than the avoidance is. It's a broken fight-or-flight response, so that your lizard brain that's supposed to be afraid of predators eating you has turned into abject fear of a mosquito bite.
So maybe Job #1 is to learn to reframe discomfort. You must have learned to do that at least a little if you're doing weight-gain exercise. Sometimes the pain means it's working. And think of anxiety medication as the magnesium to improve your recovery time.
Get medication, and then learn to drive. Take lessons from a stranger IF AT ALL POSSIBLE because learning to drive from someone you know is excruciating. That's got nothing to do with a disability - most people are absolute shit at teaching people to drive, no matter how good they are at driving.
That rejection therapy game seems interesting, though I think you could learn better games from a CBT therapist. If you have a competitive nature that you can harness to motivate yourself, use the shit out of that, and say so to your therapist.
You're clearly very smart, and better-than-average articulate about your own challenges, so you are really much closer to a chain of breakthroughs than you think ...or maybe as close as you fear. That can be the scariest time, which is why it's time to be serious about constructing your support systems and going for it. Don't waste your life hiding inside, you have too much to offer for that.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:48 AM on July 10, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yes, I read the writing of a huge number of highly trained adults with unbelievable levels of expertise in certain subjects, and I'll echo: your writing is great, clear, concise and understandable. It's more than adequate for professional purposes. You've managed to write here, so maybe consider making a point to comment on an ask a day? Writing exercises that involve setting up a routine are common suggestions from people who write a lot (like me) to people who struggle with writing for any reason. You can separate yourself from the personal scrutiny of public review by writing under a username with no connection to your personal life. No need to list any details about yourself, just a username and a place where you can see the products of your efforts adding up.
Are you in a place that has public transit? Even if you don't have a license, and even if you're not in a big city with rock solid buses, taking forays into getting out to get out is worth considering. I grew up rural and isolated, and I used to hitch rides on commercial trucks just to get away from the same ol' surroundings. It was lifechanging, and ultimately a part of the exposure to other ways of living that convinced me to move away from my hometown and start my own adventure.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Are you in a place that has public transit? Even if you don't have a license, and even if you're not in a big city with rock solid buses, taking forays into getting out to get out is worth considering. I grew up rural and isolated, and I used to hitch rides on commercial trucks just to get away from the same ol' surroundings. It was lifechanging, and ultimately a part of the exposure to other ways of living that convinced me to move away from my hometown and start my own adventure.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:52 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
My psychiatrist thinks that medication is probably not the answer here. I tend to respond really badly to SSRIs, suicidality goes through the roof, bedridden, and so on. I'm currently on Remeron at 7.5mg PID. I was trying to follow a taper schedule, but the withdrawal got really scary so I'm going to stay at this dose for the time being. Everyone tells me I seem much better off the Remeron, that I'm less of a zombie, and I think that may be so.posted by cortex (staff) at 8:57 AM on July 10, 2015
I'll need to find a different psychiatrist if I'm going to give medication another try. I'm still bitter with her for taking me off benzos cold turkey. They were really the only thing that let me lead a semi normal life, but she was afraid of long-term consequences. She was open to trying odd things like Parnate, but that turned out to be hell incarnate.
Yes, a driver's license is an excellent idea. The last time I failed the road test the examiner was deliberately trying to make me uncomfortable, so I doubt it'll be that bad. Not that I'm not still terrified, obviously. Thanks for the suggestions, all!
Maybe a social worker could be helpful, because they tend to be more action-oriented than traditional psychotherapists:
Also, a big fuck you to the noise upstairs is a great turn of phrase.
posted by Little Dawn at 9:09 AM on July 10, 2015
Clinical social workers—also called licensed clinical social workers—diagnose and treat mental, behavioral, and emotional disorders, including anxiety and depression. They provide individual, group, family, and couples therapy; they work with clients to develop strategies to change behavior or cope with difficult situations; and they refer clients to other resources or services, such as support groups or other mental health professionals. Clinical social workers can develop treatment plans with the client, doctors, and other healthcare professionals and may adjust the treatment plan if necessary based on their client’s progress.Additional information about finding mental health support resources is available at the MeFi Wiki There Is Help page, including therapy and a variety of collected AskMe threads.
Also, a big fuck you to the noise upstairs is a great turn of phrase.
posted by Little Dawn at 9:09 AM on July 10, 2015
Part 2 after getting your license is going to be having something to drive. Do your parents have a car you'll be able to borrow? Perhaps try to get a part time job so you can save up for a car.
posted by salvia at 9:47 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by salvia at 9:47 AM on July 10, 2015
(If you have good public transit nearby, then I'd put your money elsewhere. I'm assuming you live somewhere where you need a car to get from place to place.)
posted by salvia at 9:49 AM on July 10, 2015
posted by salvia at 9:49 AM on July 10, 2015
Hi, I really hesitate to writing in a comment here because it is the opposite of a lot of information recommending more therapists, social workers etc. Lyn Never has a lot correct.
Have to add your hikkomori reference is spot on - especially as it was just featured in a major US newspaper this week. In Japan, they tend to coddle sufferers into a psychological diagnosis that explains the behaviors. Rest of the world, not so much. But believe me, there is nothing so awesome a blanket that keeps you covered from the world outside your doorstep.
In Scandinavia, we really don´t have therapy for young adults nor will force major changes unless you want them. Drugs are not going to be the answer, so what is?
Small steps. From your post you have a joy with "mucking about" around with computers. Even if you are stereotypical "living in your parents basement playing WoW" - you have a choice to move forward a potential interest that can earn you money and provide a backdrop to moving forward with your life.
Take some stock. Social anxiety is something that won´t go away during your lifetime. At some point whether holding a helping hand of professionals, loved ones, a friend or two over the internet, you will need to get out your door.
Maybe an online boot camp? Or an alternative is to really figure out what you love the most and want to do.
Last, what you don´t want to hear. And believe me this is the toughest piece of advice anyone can give and it sucks to hear it. Don´t set yourself up for failure, ie no transportation etc. Switch from being focused on the negative. If you really wanted to volunteer at the shelter - you would find a way come hell or high water to be there and do it.
If someone called you up today saying "anonymous" - here is an opportunity that suits you. Would you still hide underneath that comfort blanket? Somehow I doubt it.
PM me if you want some references towards the IT world or to evaluate your potential. More than happy to be an international mentor. At your age, I was super unsure of what to do with life, but didn´t have that blanket. I was out on the street trying to figure out how to feed myself due to a really bad homelife.
posted by Funmonkey1 at 9:57 AM on July 10, 2015
Have to add your hikkomori reference is spot on - especially as it was just featured in a major US newspaper this week. In Japan, they tend to coddle sufferers into a psychological diagnosis that explains the behaviors. Rest of the world, not so much. But believe me, there is nothing so awesome a blanket that keeps you covered from the world outside your doorstep.
In Scandinavia, we really don´t have therapy for young adults nor will force major changes unless you want them. Drugs are not going to be the answer, so what is?
Small steps. From your post you have a joy with "mucking about" around with computers. Even if you are stereotypical "living in your parents basement playing WoW" - you have a choice to move forward a potential interest that can earn you money and provide a backdrop to moving forward with your life.
Take some stock. Social anxiety is something that won´t go away during your lifetime. At some point whether holding a helping hand of professionals, loved ones, a friend or two over the internet, you will need to get out your door.
Maybe an online boot camp? Or an alternative is to really figure out what you love the most and want to do.
Last, what you don´t want to hear. And believe me this is the toughest piece of advice anyone can give and it sucks to hear it. Don´t set yourself up for failure, ie no transportation etc. Switch from being focused on the negative. If you really wanted to volunteer at the shelter - you would find a way come hell or high water to be there and do it.
If someone called you up today saying "anonymous" - here is an opportunity that suits you. Would you still hide underneath that comfort blanket? Somehow I doubt it.
PM me if you want some references towards the IT world or to evaluate your potential. More than happy to be an international mentor. At your age, I was super unsure of what to do with life, but didn´t have that blanket. I was out on the street trying to figure out how to feed myself due to a really bad homelife.
posted by Funmonkey1 at 9:57 AM on July 10, 2015
Get a job and keep it. Hopefully one that will require you to interact with people just enough that it'll expand the borders of your comfort zone a bit, if not so much that the job itself becomes a source of major anxiety.
With jobs come social contacts, life skills, responsibilities, money, choices, possibilities. Finding a steady job is the #1 priority I would set for myself if I was in your circumstances.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
With jobs come social contacts, life skills, responsibilities, money, choices, possibilities. Finding a steady job is the #1 priority I would set for myself if I was in your circumstances.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:39 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
I would suggest bouldering and slack-lining as two activities that are really good at cultivating moments of psychological peace. Once you realize it's possible to do it in little increments it makes a lot more seem possible.
They are also activities where step 1 is to learn how to make mistakes (such as fall) safely.
They are also activities that can be done on your own, but can facilitate socializing with others.
Ymmv, but I would encourage you to give both a shot. I'll be rooting for you, GLHF.
posted by LegallyBread at 12:52 PM on July 10, 2015
They are also activities where step 1 is to learn how to make mistakes (such as fall) safely.
They are also activities that can be done on your own, but can facilitate socializing with others.
Ymmv, but I would encourage you to give both a shot. I'll be rooting for you, GLHF.
posted by LegallyBread at 12:52 PM on July 10, 2015
I agree with the couch-to-5k thing or some other similarly structured exercise program. Exercise is going to flood your brain with good chemicals, but lots of people without your issues are terrible at sticking to exercise regimens if it's just left vague and optional. An actual podcast saying OK NOW GO DO THIS WHILE LISTENING TO THE DAY 3 MUSIC is very easy to stick to - once you hit play it holds your hand and you're off.
Also, reading about anxieties as mentioned above or finding a support group might be good. This really is a problem that lots of people have, and that lots of people have worked through to live healthy, happy lives.
I'm not sure about the car thing - cars can introduce a lot of stress. Driving can be stressful; costs add up; cars break down. Maybe start with a bike.
For jobs - yes, you are a good writer. Maybe you can get a WFH job writing documentation for software or something. You'd have to interact with others but it'd be in bite-size, safe increments. I know a guy who is super anxious and has been editing manuscripts from home for like 20 years. It's enough to live on and he can step out socially at his own pace. He plays music so he meets people that way.
Lastly, never let a single day go by without leaving the house. Walk around the block, bike, whatever. Doesn't matter why, but staying in your negative surroundings is bad news. Wear headphones if you want to avoid people saying hi to you. It's amazing how often I have this cycle:
at home, bored, bummed -> go for 2 mile walk -> think of random stuff to do -> see a cool bird or something -> go back home -> suddenly get productive for a couple hours (repeat as necessary)
Good luck!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:28 PM on July 10, 2015
Also, reading about anxieties as mentioned above or finding a support group might be good. This really is a problem that lots of people have, and that lots of people have worked through to live healthy, happy lives.
I'm not sure about the car thing - cars can introduce a lot of stress. Driving can be stressful; costs add up; cars break down. Maybe start with a bike.
For jobs - yes, you are a good writer. Maybe you can get a WFH job writing documentation for software or something. You'd have to interact with others but it'd be in bite-size, safe increments. I know a guy who is super anxious and has been editing manuscripts from home for like 20 years. It's enough to live on and he can step out socially at his own pace. He plays music so he meets people that way.
Lastly, never let a single day go by without leaving the house. Walk around the block, bike, whatever. Doesn't matter why, but staying in your negative surroundings is bad news. Wear headphones if you want to avoid people saying hi to you. It's amazing how often I have this cycle:
at home, bored, bummed -> go for 2 mile walk -> think of random stuff to do -> see a cool bird or something -> go back home -> suddenly get productive for a couple hours (repeat as necessary)
Good luck!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:28 PM on July 10, 2015
Do 10% more.
That's what helped me. When I was having suicidal ideations, or having a depressive or whatever episode, just doing 10% more of what I was already doing was enough. So, I'd be taking a shower, and I'd spend a bit extra time lathering the shampoo into my hair. I'd be brushing my teeth, and I'd spend an extra minute making sure I did a good job. I'd walk to the shops, but take a slightly longer route back. I'd make an effort to comment on the weather to a cashier in a shop, rather than the please and thank you that I'd normally do.
It's a small enough thing that it's easy to do, but it's a definite push to the comfort zone. It's not anything new or different, it's just a little bit more of what I was already doing. Easy peasy. Pushing my comfort zone made me realise that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. You are, too. Human beings are wonderfully adaptive creatures.
Also consider CBT. I found it immensely helpful for challenging my negative thought patterns. If money is tight, set up an Amazon wishlist and ask the mods to forward me the address and I'll buy you a copy.
posted by Solomon at 2:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
That's what helped me. When I was having suicidal ideations, or having a depressive or whatever episode, just doing 10% more of what I was already doing was enough. So, I'd be taking a shower, and I'd spend a bit extra time lathering the shampoo into my hair. I'd be brushing my teeth, and I'd spend an extra minute making sure I did a good job. I'd walk to the shops, but take a slightly longer route back. I'd make an effort to comment on the weather to a cashier in a shop, rather than the please and thank you that I'd normally do.
It's a small enough thing that it's easy to do, but it's a definite push to the comfort zone. It's not anything new or different, it's just a little bit more of what I was already doing. Easy peasy. Pushing my comfort zone made me realise that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was. You are, too. Human beings are wonderfully adaptive creatures.
Also consider CBT. I found it immensely helpful for challenging my negative thought patterns. If money is tight, set up an Amazon wishlist and ask the mods to forward me the address and I'll buy you a copy.
posted by Solomon at 2:40 PM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by k8t at 8:02 AM on July 10, 2015