To cohabitate or not to cohabitate...

July 10, 2015 7:46 AM

Making big relationship decisions while working through mental health issues and questioning yourself every step of the way.

My boyfriend wants to get a place together (again), but I'm not sure if I'm ready. We've been together three years, and two years ago we got a place together. It didn't go well; we moved back out to our own places when the lease was up. Our sex life suffered (as in, was nonexistent), and it generally felt like I was his parent rather than his partner. We also didn't fight well, usually we'd both get too mad to talk then sleep it off, never really resolving anything.

Things improved significantly when we moved back out. The space helped (we've both very introverted), things felt fresh and like we were dating again, and we started making a more concentrated effort to talk things through and resolve disagreements (I think we've both grown in this area).

Now he wants to move back in together. My instinct is not to because I like where things are now and while there are some perks to living together, I think they're mostly monetary. I'm coming at it from "don't want to mess up a good thing" and he's coming at it from "we're doing well living apart, so why wouldn't we try living together." This has come up a few times and is becoming a point of contention. I think it's getting to where my options are try living together or move on from this relationship.

For my part, I don't think it's the commitment I have a problem with per se. We've talked about marriage, neither of us wanting kids, careers, etc. and our long-term goals line up well. But it feels like our timelines are off, like he's two years ahead of me.

The extra quirk in all this is that I've been struggling with mental health issues for the past few years. I'm in a better state now than I used to be (as in, can get myself out of the house, have a job, that type of thing), but still feel like I'm on the verge of relapse sometimes. It's led me to distrust how I think and question my decisions (as in, do I not want to move in, or am I just anxious about change? will I actually be ready to move in another year or two?).

So, is moving in because "why not, let's see how it goes" a bad reason? (seems like it)
Am I doing him a disservice staying together with all these doubts? (I'm really not sure)
Would I be doing him a disservice moving in with so many doubts? (probably...)
Is it normal to spin in circles second guessing something like this?
And as cliche as it sounds - if I love him, shouldn't I know without all of this back and forth in my head?

The big metaquestion, how do you trust yourself to make decisions when you know you trend towards depression, complacency, and anxiety?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

"why not, let's see how it goes"

You've already tried it. It sounds like it was awful: No sex, you were his mom, you fought badly.

Why do you think doing literally the same thing will yield different results? I sounds like you know in your heart that it won't.
posted by French Fry at 8:06 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

You could move in and redux all the strife and struggle. You could hang on two more years and be facing the same dilemma down the road.

All relationships end until the one that doesn't. This one sounds like it should end, if just so that your bf can find someone who he is compatible with in more ways.

I really like that you are in a good place and you want to keep working on yourself. You've got the right idea. IMHE, being like the guy's mom is a dynamic that won't change, not really.
posted by jbenben at 8:13 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

And as cliche as it sounds - if I love him, shouldn't I know without all of this back and forth in my head?

If that's a cliche it's a dumb one, because for the most part no, that's not how relationships work when they run up against real life. Love is insufficient to resolve all of the intricacies of living.

If you can't trust your instincts, trust the facts:
-your relationship does well when you live separately
-your relationship does poorly when you live together
-your mental health does well (or well-ish) when you live separately
-your mental health does poorly (or less well) when you live together

Has your partner made any moves to address the problems you had living together last time? Like, does he have a plan in place for doing his share of maintaining himself and the house so as to not make you his mom?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:16 AM on July 10, 2015 [4 favorites]

I think the only way that moving in together again may work is if you both had your own rooms, in addition to the bedroom, and that he's made changes in his own life to show that you won't be "playing mom" again. You'll have to set many boundaries about how much alone time you get, when to do things apart, how clean the house needs to be. If that sounds stressful, then this may not be right for you. I think it's mostly a question of whether he (or you) has changed enough since the last time so that this time won't be the same.
posted by monologish at 8:21 AM on July 10, 2015 [2 favorites]

Can you try it for a month before letting go of your old places?
posted by eas98 at 8:24 AM on July 10, 2015

I think moving in together tends to work well only when both partners are really committed to taking this step and making it work. And you aren't. So...

I'm also concerned that you didn't mention any concrete steps you/boyfriend have taken towards fixing the issues that arose the first time you moved in together. If you are going to move in together, I think you should have a serious conversaion about the following questions and make sure you both feel really comfortable with your plans:
--Have you identified why living together as opposed to separately had such an impact on your sex life? What would you do differently this time to work on that?
--You're both introverted, and space was an issue. Is it possible to rent a larger (i.e. at least 2-bedroom) place for what you guys are paying now? Can you make specific guidelines like "I will be out of the house Thursday nights for my bowling league, and you commit to going on a long bike ride Saturday mornings, so we both get alone time in the apartment on a regular basis"?
--What steps has he taken/will he take to ensure he's carrying an equal portion of the household chores and you don't feel like a mom? Is the problem one of laziness, differing standards, beliefs about gender roles, him literally not knowing how to do specific tasks, or what? I think it's important to get to the root of this because that will help you figure out a solution, if one is to be had (i.e. a person who does not know how to clean a toilet can be taught to do so; a person who believes women should do the cleaning probably can't be helped so easily).

In terms of your mental health, I would be extra concerned about shaking up what is currently a stable situation. Honestly, if you're not feeling confident that this is the right thing for you, it's okay to say so and move on from this relationship. Plenty of people actually DO make a relationship with separate apartments work, but it's only going to work if that is what both people actually want. Or, you may find another guy who is better suited to living with you.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:25 AM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]

Just want to say, all of your concerns are valid, and it doesn't sound like you're just being anxious. You're thinking things through, and not just putting up random road blocks.

Especially with your history, have you discussed how you're just starting to feel stable, and you need to relearn to trust your instincts before adding more complications? He may see all the strides you've made and think, wondeful, all better! Without realizing you're still navigating some stuff. Having an open dialogue about it (if you haven't already) could help you to see how good he is at thinking about others, sort of as a check to see if he may relapse into the child role.

If you have had that explicit dialogue, and he still maintains a "Why not?" attitude... I won't say he's hopeless, but he's still got some work of his own to do.

Just out of curiosity, does he realize what didn't work well last time, and know how he will be different? Because if he's thinking it was all just you're depression/anxiety...again, he's skipping out on the work he needs to do.
posted by ghost phoneme at 8:27 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

Have you heard about LAT? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Living_apart_together This might be something you are interested in regardless of the person you are with.
posted by CMcG at 9:15 AM on July 10, 2015

Agreed: prioritize your mental health. You have achieved stability, now is not the most effective time to upend that, probably.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:41 AM on July 10, 2015

I don't think you should distrust your instincts here. You don't want to live with him because you remember that the last time you did, it totally sucked. That's pretty rational thinking!
posted by cakelite at 10:01 AM on July 10, 2015 [5 favorites]

My instinct is not to

Question answered.

If you're not even sure you should BE together, living together is not a logical step.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:42 AM on July 10, 2015 [1 favorite]

How has he changed his habits when it comes to, "it generally felt like I was his parent rather than his partner", which I take to mean that he didn't really contribute to domestic needs like being responsible about housework and other basic responsibilities that come with being an adult. Feeling like you have to be a mom to your partner is a great way to ramp up fighting and resentment and kill libido. Unless he's recognized this part of the equation is in his court, I'd say no.

There's no harm in waiting and there could be real harm to your mental health if you get right back into the same dynamic as you had before. Risk is high and reward is an unknown quantity right now. If it were me, I'd want to have a detailed plan from him about how he's going to avoid playing the role of undisciplined child. Follow your instinct to wait and find other ways to reinforce the importance of the relationship. I think that the choice of move in or break up is a false one.
posted by quince at 11:41 AM on July 10, 2015

What has changed about you both since you were last living together to make you more compatible-living-together-type-people? If you can't answer that question, or can only answer with "nothing", then you're going to be screwing up if you move in together. You have actual evidence that as you are right now, you two living together doesn't work. Ask your boyfriend the above question, and his response will tell you a great deal about the sense behind you moving in.

Your mental health should be your number one priority. Like, right up there with "having enough food to eat" and "having a roof over my head". It's THAT important. it's essential to your continued functioning. Don't do anything to jeopardise it.

With regards to your final question, make a list of pros and cons. Do it with a pen and paper, and make each pro or con's size relative to the impact it will have. For example, in the con column, hurting your mental health should be in 20pt font, bolded, italicised, etc. It will likely overshadow things like "boyfriend wants it just because".

Sometimes, you have to try a thing and see how it shakes out. That's often the only way to get actual results. Thing is, you already did that. You know how it works. You've gotten better while being apart, yeah, but that's different to "staying better while together".
posted by Solomon at 2:29 PM on July 10, 2015

So gender stereotypes are bad and everyone is different and this does not apply to all people everywhere forever blah blah blah, but...

A lot of times men get the better end of the deal living together. Women tend to do a lot of the housework, the sex gets even more accessible and taken for granted, and there's a lot less "courting" involved.

I don't blame you for wanting to keep your place. Can you tell him you think you want to be married first? That line, while quaint and silly to some, is now my de facto position. Makes it so conversations about moving in together rarely come up anymore. This may backfire if he actually is, like, ready to propose yesterday, though.
posted by quincunx at 2:50 PM on July 10, 2015

I think it's worth noting that for a lot of people, a relationship is basically a train track. You're either going forward, or you're going backwards/out. Moving in together is an inevitable, next logical step. Some people get pressure from family, other people(and many, many people) just have this programmed into them by socializing and society.

This "track" mentality is often ascribed to being more of a womanly thing, but many many men think that way as well.

Have you specifically discussed that with him to see if this some kind of thing where he thinks that since you're not living together, then the relationship is stagnating or stuck at some really low inherently casual level?

I know quite a lot of people who think that way, and who think that Serious Big Person Dating only occurs once you're living together.

This is by no means a reason to move in together, but it's definitely something to take his temperature on. He may be inherently unhappy having been together this long and not having been moved in, even if you've tried it before and backed off. At this point i see difference of opinion on living together(when/how/etc) as nearly as big of a thing as kids/marriage plans.
posted by emptythought at 3:46 PM on July 10, 2015 [3 favorites]