Family abandon me when I was at my lowest point. Should I cut them off?
May 21, 2015 7:46 PM Subscribe
My mother passed away last year of April and as a result I had a mental breakdown. I wasn't myself..I had overwhelming grief and I was in a deep depression. Mind you I was in a deep depression and calling out for help..my family abandon and basically treated me like a black sheep.
They couldn't understand why I was so hysterical and withdrawn from them..they took it as disrespectful. I think it's more odd because they are suppose to be family and common sense will tell you I would not be my best self during that period
At times I think they wanted me dead instead of my mother. I was crying out for help during that whole time and some abandon me. My grandmother wanting nothing to do with me was hard, but she never dealt with me even when my mother was alive.
I was so ****** up from everything that I literally picked up a knife to end it..I just felt that since this is the only family I had left and they were acting this way towards me I was truly better off. My mother would have definitely been shocked and sadden if she knew this was going to happen. I'm getting teary eyed as I type this because I really wanted to be dead with my parents.. I went to therapy and worked on my grief. Now i'm in a better place and working at my new job in a bakery. I'm thinking at this point I should cut off my family because they weren't there for me when I was at my lowest point and even though I forgave them, nothing in my heart wants to form a bond. My uncles have been very supportive and I may just end up having contact with them. I do want to try to form at least a cordial relationship with my grandmother for my mother, but having a relationship with her brings nothing to my life because she is so negative.
They couldn't understand why I was so hysterical and withdrawn from them..they took it as disrespectful. I think it's more odd because they are suppose to be family and common sense will tell you I would not be my best self during that period
At times I think they wanted me dead instead of my mother. I was crying out for help during that whole time and some abandon me. My grandmother wanting nothing to do with me was hard, but she never dealt with me even when my mother was alive.
I was so ****** up from everything that I literally picked up a knife to end it..I just felt that since this is the only family I had left and they were acting this way towards me I was truly better off. My mother would have definitely been shocked and sadden if she knew this was going to happen. I'm getting teary eyed as I type this because I really wanted to be dead with my parents.. I went to therapy and worked on my grief. Now i'm in a better place and working at my new job in a bakery. I'm thinking at this point I should cut off my family because they weren't there for me when I was at my lowest point and even though I forgave them, nothing in my heart wants to form a bond. My uncles have been very supportive and I may just end up having contact with them. I do want to try to form at least a cordial relationship with my grandmother for my mother, but having a relationship with her brings nothing to my life because she is so negative.
Response by poster: I was very standoffish and just angry. It drove me off more when one of my aunts accused me of thinking I was better than them because I was grieving and wanted to be alone. I'm just having a hard time thinking of why someone would say to that to anyone that has lost their mother.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:13 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:13 PM on May 21, 2015
I was very standoffish and just angry. It drove me off more when one of my aunts accused me of thinking I was better than them because I was grieving and wanted to be alone. I'm just having a hard time thinking of why someone would say to that to anyone that has lost their mother.
It sounds like they were being really shitty about it, but remember, they were grieving too. Maybe they felt like they lost their sister and now they were losing you too. That doesn't make it right, but maybe it makes it more understandable?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:21 PM on May 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
It sounds like they were being really shitty about it, but remember, they were grieving too. Maybe they felt like they lost their sister and now they were losing you too. That doesn't make it right, but maybe it makes it more understandable?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:21 PM on May 21, 2015 [17 favorites]
It sounds like everyone was acting out of grief. So that may be worth thinking about.
If you're looking for permission not to talk to members of your family, for as long or as short of a period as you wish: here it is. You have permission to remove people from your life, or keep them, as you see fit, in whatever way is consistent with your values, your boundaries, and your continued mental health.
I may be biased; I don't view genetic ties as being particularly meaningful except inasmuch as one has a duty to one's children (genetic or adopted, doesn't matter). Your mileage may vary; do what is best for you. Maybe after some time you'll want to re-establish ties. Maybe you won't. Form, and break, relationships for you, not for other people.
Have you unpacked all this with your therapist? If not, maybe this could be an effective thing to touch on in your next session. If you don't currently have a therapist, perhaps it would be effective to see one for a few sessions to parse out your feelings and boundaries around these issues.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:32 PM on May 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
If you're looking for permission not to talk to members of your family, for as long or as short of a period as you wish: here it is. You have permission to remove people from your life, or keep them, as you see fit, in whatever way is consistent with your values, your boundaries, and your continued mental health.
I may be biased; I don't view genetic ties as being particularly meaningful except inasmuch as one has a duty to one's children (genetic or adopted, doesn't matter). Your mileage may vary; do what is best for you. Maybe after some time you'll want to re-establish ties. Maybe you won't. Form, and break, relationships for you, not for other people.
Have you unpacked all this with your therapist? If not, maybe this could be an effective thing to touch on in your next session. If you don't currently have a therapist, perhaps it would be effective to see one for a few sessions to parse out your feelings and boundaries around these issues.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:32 PM on May 21, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My family acted similarly when my mom died, when I was in college. It took me years of distance, getting a little older and world-wise, and then participating in therapy to finally realize that they really were not equipped at all to help me through my grief, and that what I really needed was the professional help. Yeah, some of them were actively kind of shitty towards me, which I later in life realized that they are just shitty people in general, but most of them just withdrew from me because they were trying to figure out how to deal with their own grief of a family member dying so young, plus having to come face to face with some other family dynamics; they had no idea how to help me on top of their own issues.
Are you female? You might find some help in reading the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. There are also support groups built around the premise of the book. Check meetup or even Google to see if there's a group near you. There's probably an active FB page too.
posted by vignettist at 8:43 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you female? You might find some help in reading the book Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. There are also support groups built around the premise of the book. Check meetup or even Google to see if there's a group near you. There's probably an active FB page too.
posted by vignettist at 8:43 PM on May 21, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I talked about this so much in all of my sessions lol. She said to me that me worrying about them was seriously blocking myself from grieving my mother. Throughout all of this I started taking up Buddhism and it helped me to forgive some for what happened. But like with everything... it's a work in process and I for sure do have some resentful towards most. My uncle recently told me how proud he was of me, that's really something I needed to hear.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:44 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:44 PM on May 21, 2015
If I was grieving the last thing I'd want is to hang around an angry, deeply depressed, hysterical person (your words, not mine) who was going to drain all of my energy for next to zero benefit to them but a massive toll on me - family or not.
This would be especially true if there were other family members who were holding it together who I could both lean on and hold up during a difficult time without being dragged down into wherever it was you were. Even if I wanted to reach out, if you were standoffish and withdrawn on top of that (again, your words) I'd find it really hard to make the effort.
If you think it's a crime to not help somebody who, by their own admission, was distant, very difficult to be around, and sufficiently mentally ill to require professional help - all while having have stuff of their own to deal with, including their own grief - then sure, cut them out loose. I think it's a bit uncharitable, myself.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:45 PM on May 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
This would be especially true if there were other family members who were holding it together who I could both lean on and hold up during a difficult time without being dragged down into wherever it was you were. Even if I wanted to reach out, if you were standoffish and withdrawn on top of that (again, your words) I'd find it really hard to make the effort.
If you think it's a crime to not help somebody who, by their own admission, was distant, very difficult to be around, and sufficiently mentally ill to require professional help - all while having have stuff of their own to deal with, including their own grief - then sure, cut them out loose. I think it's a bit uncharitable, myself.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:45 PM on May 21, 2015 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: @vignettist I actually have the book motherless daughters and The Adult orphan. I also own other grief and self help books. I owe a lot to these books to help me in my journey.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:46 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:46 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Yes, you can cut off family when they hurt you and aren't there for you. Some connections give you strength and others just hold you down. Do what you need to do for yourself.
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:48 PM on May 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 8:48 PM on May 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @obiwanwasabi Until you understand how it is to lose a mother..you really can't say how one should act. Maybe they were able to hold it together But I couldn't and it should have been understanding on their part. They weren't exactly saying the right words or being considerate themselves.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:49 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:49 PM on May 21, 2015
Response by poster: I was dealing with flashbacks as well because my mother was dying in front of me, so I was going through a lot of shit. They haven't seen what I seen.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:51 PM on May 21, 2015
posted by TheBronxGirl at 8:51 PM on May 21, 2015
As a person who took care of my father as he was dying and watched him die, I can empathize with you. My family was extremely supportive, but if I hadn't had that support, I'm sure I would have lost my shit. In any case, it sucks to have family members who are not supportive in a time like this. You have two choices: give them time, or cut them off. I personally prefer the former, but it is of course your choice. Do what is best for you, and be kind to yourself.
Also, if you are considering suicide, as you mentioned in your post, please call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
posted by bedhead at 8:58 PM on May 21, 2015
Also, if you are considering suicide, as you mentioned in your post, please call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
posted by bedhead at 8:58 PM on May 21, 2015
Response by poster: I'm not suicidal anymore thank god, thank you for the number though. I had a lot of friends to get me through the storm, so I did have people to lean on. Just saddened my family wasn't able to handle it.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 9:05 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TheBronxGirl at 9:05 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I don't think obiwanwasabi is saying how you should've acted, but instead is offering an explanation of why your family may have behaved so coldly to you while you grieved.
I understand firsthand what it's like to lose a parent and be present in the (traumatic) moments before their death, and if another relative or sibling behaved like you did, I would honestly feel even more overwhelmed and unable to cope. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. Ultimately we are responsible for our own grief. You say that you were not your best self, which is understandable, and so is it understandable that they were not at their best either?
If you want to cut them out of your life, that's entirely your choice. If you have no desire to connect with your grandmother, then why keep it up, especially when she is unpleasant to be around? Make a choice to be around positive people if that's what you truly want.
posted by extramundane at 9:12 PM on May 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
I understand firsthand what it's like to lose a parent and be present in the (traumatic) moments before their death, and if another relative or sibling behaved like you did, I would honestly feel even more overwhelmed and unable to cope. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. Ultimately we are responsible for our own grief. You say that you were not your best self, which is understandable, and so is it understandable that they were not at their best either?
If you want to cut them out of your life, that's entirely your choice. If you have no desire to connect with your grandmother, then why keep it up, especially when she is unpleasant to be around? Make a choice to be around positive people if that's what you truly want.
posted by extramundane at 9:12 PM on May 21, 2015 [9 favorites]
Best answer: I've never been through this sort of grief, but my general guideline for myself, is that if someone hurts me in a way that I think they will repeat, I do what I can to reduce that possibility. I generally prefer to reduce see them as flawed people and reduce my expectations to the level that they seem to be able to operate. I see cutting off only as a last resort.
So, from now on, you choose not to expect any support in grieving your mother. Your family has shown itself unable to assist you, so you don't talk to them about it, don't participate in any group memorials or discussions about your mum - from now on, your grieving is private and you get your support from friends and professionals, as they are unable to help. You probably need to take a break from them for awhile, but I don't think you need to cut them off permanently, unless you want to.
posted by kjs4 at 9:13 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
So, from now on, you choose not to expect any support in grieving your mother. Your family has shown itself unable to assist you, so you don't talk to them about it, don't participate in any group memorials or discussions about your mum - from now on, your grieving is private and you get your support from friends and professionals, as they are unable to help. You probably need to take a break from them for awhile, but I don't think you need to cut them off permanently, unless you want to.
posted by kjs4 at 9:13 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Some family members actually wanted me to apologize..seriously I will not apologize for grieving my mother especially in the state I was in. I found that so ridiculous and it actually didn't help with me wanting to reconnect with them. I just know when someone is in bad shape like I was you don't abandon them and distanced like they did. I know I wouldn't ...especially when both parents are gone and they already feel lost and alone.
posted by TheBronxGirl at 9:16 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TheBronxGirl at 9:16 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Essentially, this is the rub: They weren't able to handle it. But neither were you, and if you're prone to depression, well, I'm guessing they're genetically related and therefore there's a pretty good chance they've got the same thing. You were all in the midst of an awful situation and nobody had any spoons. They weren't there for you, you weren't there for them. It's not "okay", but people are not at their best during situations like this. Keep cultivating a support system that includes non-family, take your time about figuring out how close you want to be to your family now, not saying you must forgive them, or apologize, or any of that. Everybody's feeling neglected right now, it seems like your best course is to get your support elsewhere but not write them off completely. You probably have friends who you know aren't the people you want to turn to in your darkest hours. It's unfortunate when you have to feel that way about family, but sometimes that's just how it goes--and sometimes even with that sort of family member, you can have a perfectly pleasant relationship when everything's okay.
And it will be okay, again, eventually, once you've had more time for healing.
posted by Sequence at 9:25 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
And it will be okay, again, eventually, once you've had more time for healing.
posted by Sequence at 9:25 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
should have been understanding on their part
This leaped out at me. (Again, my biases showing.) The therapy that I was in until recently advocates reframing statements that use 'should' or 'but.' The thing about 'should' (especially 'should have') is that it does two things that can become stumbling blocks: first, 'should have' talks about an event in the past. That is, something that none of us can change. Focusing on what might/could/should have been can really block us from paying attention to what was, and what is.
Second is the judgement piece. 'Should' can set us up--whether talking about ourselves or others--to judge the action as being 'good' or 'bad.' That can lead to problems because, again, we are losing focus on the reality of what is, as well as making value judgements about whose behaviour was 'better' (or 'worse'). And by the same token, the people around you could be saying that TheBronxGirl should have been more approachable, should have been less hysterical, should have been less withdrawn.
Sometimes reframing in that way lays out what's going on with 'should' and judgements; you're (I am not judging you here) setting yourself up as the person who acted reasonably and the other people as the ones who acted unreasonably. That's normal; people do that every day (and I am certainly not setting myself up as someone who always remembers this idea). It might be effective to consider that your reaction to grief was to be withdrawn/hysterical while theirs was to behave in a different way. In both your case and theirs, it looks like everyone was looking for support, which none of you were giving each other in the ways that you each needed.
Again, that's not judgement! Perhaps you weren't capable at the time of giving them the support they needed. Maybe also worth considering that in their grief-stricken state they simply didn't have the mental bandwidth to support you; have you heard the phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first"? Sounds to me like, perhaps, everyone was putting their own on first and didn't have any energy to help the person next to them. Or maybe they're just jerks, who knows? Nobody can read minds, all we can do is react to behaviour.
So. Perhaps try reformulating away from 'should.' "They did these things, which made me feel this way." How they should or could have behaved is, probably, beside the point.
In that light, you might be able to more carefully tease out exactly what sort of relationship you'd like to have with them at this time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:29 PM on May 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
This leaped out at me. (Again, my biases showing.) The therapy that I was in until recently advocates reframing statements that use 'should' or 'but.' The thing about 'should' (especially 'should have') is that it does two things that can become stumbling blocks: first, 'should have' talks about an event in the past. That is, something that none of us can change. Focusing on what might/could/should have been can really block us from paying attention to what was, and what is.
Second is the judgement piece. 'Should' can set us up--whether talking about ourselves or others--to judge the action as being 'good' or 'bad.' That can lead to problems because, again, we are losing focus on the reality of what is, as well as making value judgements about whose behaviour was 'better' (or 'worse'). And by the same token, the people around you could be saying that TheBronxGirl should have been more approachable, should have been less hysterical, should have been less withdrawn.
Sometimes reframing in that way lays out what's going on with 'should' and judgements; you're (I am not judging you here) setting yourself up as the person who acted reasonably and the other people as the ones who acted unreasonably. That's normal; people do that every day (and I am certainly not setting myself up as someone who always remembers this idea). It might be effective to consider that your reaction to grief was to be withdrawn/hysterical while theirs was to behave in a different way. In both your case and theirs, it looks like everyone was looking for support, which none of you were giving each other in the ways that you each needed.
Again, that's not judgement! Perhaps you weren't capable at the time of giving them the support they needed. Maybe also worth considering that in their grief-stricken state they simply didn't have the mental bandwidth to support you; have you heard the phrase "put your own oxygen mask on first"? Sounds to me like, perhaps, everyone was putting their own on first and didn't have any energy to help the person next to them. Or maybe they're just jerks, who knows? Nobody can read minds, all we can do is react to behaviour.
So. Perhaps try reformulating away from 'should.' "They did these things, which made me feel this way." How they should or could have behaved is, probably, beside the point.
In that light, you might be able to more carefully tease out exactly what sort of relationship you'd like to have with them at this time.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:29 PM on May 21, 2015 [16 favorites]
Or the tl;dr version: none of you, it seems, were getting validation for your feelings, and so now there's friction on all sides.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:31 PM on May 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:31 PM on May 21, 2015 [8 favorites]
When I developed spectacular health problems in my twenties I went into a 24-hour panic/despair spiral, and it felt like my parents weren't there for me. I was left scarred by it, feeling like their love was conditional and they would abandon me if things got too difficult. Years later my girlfriend developed her own health troubles, had her own meltdown and became very hard to cope with. It gave me a taste of what my parents had been dealing with. If somebody is just in a total tailspin, endlessly depressed and panicking, it's exhausting and frustrating and eventually you feel like nothing you say makes any difference.
I now think that my parents didn't abandon me when I was sick. They didn't give me what I needed, but I don't think anybody could have, short of curing my damn illness so I didn't feel like I was dying all day. I was a hurricane of panic and anger and depression, impossible to be around.
I get along well with my parents now, and they've been very supportive as I've gone through cancer treatment and all sorts of other crap. But it took me years to get there. If I'd cut ties when I was 22, I would have missed out on so much.
Maybe your family was really as callous as it feels now, but maybe you won't always feel that way.
I'd say, maybe interact with your family less, for a while. Focus on your own life. Do the obligatory family stuff, let some time pass and see how this feels in the years to come.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:22 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
I now think that my parents didn't abandon me when I was sick. They didn't give me what I needed, but I don't think anybody could have, short of curing my damn illness so I didn't feel like I was dying all day. I was a hurricane of panic and anger and depression, impossible to be around.
I get along well with my parents now, and they've been very supportive as I've gone through cancer treatment and all sorts of other crap. But it took me years to get there. If I'd cut ties when I was 22, I would have missed out on so much.
Maybe your family was really as callous as it feels now, but maybe you won't always feel that way.
I'd say, maybe interact with your family less, for a while. Focus on your own life. Do the obligatory family stuff, let some time pass and see how this feels in the years to come.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:22 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]
When my father was dying and for the time after, my family was not supportive except in practical ways and that's because they couldn't be - they were all dealing with their own grief and sorting through the complex experiences they'd had with him throughout their lives. For some people he was a father (and therefore perfect), for some he was a son (and had maybe hurt them, and their hopes were pinned on him, and they certainly never expected him to die before them), for one he was a wife (and there was a lot of anger and abandonment there). None of those people could have helped me because they couldn't help themselves. I behaved appallingly at times and I'm sorry about that because although my grief was real and important, so was theirs.
By all means don't feel you have to be close to them, but leave the door open to reestablish that relationship in years to come if you feel you can.
posted by kadia_a at 11:26 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
By all means don't feel you have to be close to them, but leave the door open to reestablish that relationship in years to come if you feel you can.
posted by kadia_a at 11:26 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
My mother dropped dead from a heart attack about eight years ago. It was rough. But something I thought about in the aftermath is, it's the way of the world that in general, one will outlive their parents. It's less of a given that one will outlive their spouse, younger sibling, daughter in law, etc. That realization made it a little easier to understand the grief being experienced by my father and aunts. I thought about how I'd feel if I lost one of my sisters or my brother and it helped me understand why my aunt feels the need to mention my mother in casual conversation.
In some ways, it's understandable to want to judge a person by how they handle difficult situations. My best friend didn't know what to do when my mom died and I was upset that she wasn't more supportive. But she had never lost anyone in her life. She still hasn't ever been to a funeral. And she knows that she doesn't know what it's like. So instead, I try not to judge based on how they behave in general, because really (God willing), crises should be rare.
It sounds like you were really hurting and you're doing better and I'm happy to hear that. I don't know what your family relationships were like before but maybe you should put a higher value on their previous behaviors rather than those around your mother's death, especially if the way they acted was out of character. One day when my sister and I were preparing for my mother's funeral, we just started yelling at each other because we were stressed. We apologized to each other immediately after because we knew what we were experiencing. Sometimes death just makes everyone a little crazier temporarily. That's understandable.
I guess I'm saying that, if this was the last straw for some people, I get cutting them out, but you definitely don't need to cut anyone out right now. I don't think it's a great idea, when you just lost a family member, to push away other family members. But I don't know your history. I'm just inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to family members who were in a stressful situation. Yeah, they should have cut you some slack but maybe you can lead by example and model the behavior you want from them.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by kat518 at 11:50 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
In some ways, it's understandable to want to judge a person by how they handle difficult situations. My best friend didn't know what to do when my mom died and I was upset that she wasn't more supportive. But she had never lost anyone in her life. She still hasn't ever been to a funeral. And she knows that she doesn't know what it's like. So instead, I try not to judge based on how they behave in general, because really (God willing), crises should be rare.
It sounds like you were really hurting and you're doing better and I'm happy to hear that. I don't know what your family relationships were like before but maybe you should put a higher value on their previous behaviors rather than those around your mother's death, especially if the way they acted was out of character. One day when my sister and I were preparing for my mother's funeral, we just started yelling at each other because we were stressed. We apologized to each other immediately after because we knew what we were experiencing. Sometimes death just makes everyone a little crazier temporarily. That's understandable.
I guess I'm saying that, if this was the last straw for some people, I get cutting them out, but you definitely don't need to cut anyone out right now. I don't think it's a great idea, when you just lost a family member, to push away other family members. But I don't know your history. I'm just inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to family members who were in a stressful situation. Yeah, they should have cut you some slack but maybe you can lead by example and model the behavior you want from them.
And I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by kat518 at 11:50 PM on May 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Everyone was grieving. Your grandmother didn't support you in your grief but then you didn't support her in hers. She LOST A CHILD, you lost a mother. Your loss is tragic but you were not the only on going through it. I would not cut ties based on the information you have presented. Everyone was hurting. Now may be a good time to try to reconcile.
posted by saradarlin at 1:08 AM on May 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by saradarlin at 1:08 AM on May 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
She LOST A CHILD, you lost a mother.
It is perhaps not helpful in these situations to compare whose loss is greater. I'm not aiming that specifically at you; your emphasis sort of added to the thought. Seems to be something the OP is doing, and I feel like in general terms when it's relatively nuclear family (for whatever definition of 'family' you prefer), everyone has lost someone with whom they had a unique bond; whether it's your mother or their daughter or the other person's sister doesn't really matter.
Which may be another reframing that could help you, ThatBronxGirl: everyone involved in this situation has lost someone with whom they had a unique relationship.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:16 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
It is perhaps not helpful in these situations to compare whose loss is greater. I'm not aiming that specifically at you; your emphasis sort of added to the thought. Seems to be something the OP is doing, and I feel like in general terms when it's relatively nuclear family (for whatever definition of 'family' you prefer), everyone has lost someone with whom they had a unique bond; whether it's your mother or their daughter or the other person's sister doesn't really matter.
Which may be another reframing that could help you, ThatBronxGirl: everyone involved in this situation has lost someone with whom they had a unique relationship.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 1:16 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: So they are demanding that you Apologize before they are willing to interact again? Or have you called them and told them how badly their behaviour affected you and they said, "well, actually! You should be apologizing!" ? Or did they actively call you to demand apologies?
If 1) drop the rope. Stay away from them, don't initiate contact. Maybe some day you will see things differently. Until then you'll just be aggravating each other.
2) same advice. Get a bit of distance between you. If your thinking about them is blocking your progress, work on unblocking with your shrink.
3) Actively take steps to block them from your life and any social media.
Absolutely see your uncles if you have good feelings from that relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:29 AM on May 22, 2015
If 1) drop the rope. Stay away from them, don't initiate contact. Maybe some day you will see things differently. Until then you'll just be aggravating each other.
2) same advice. Get a bit of distance between you. If your thinking about them is blocking your progress, work on unblocking with your shrink.
3) Actively take steps to block them from your life and any social media.
Absolutely see your uncles if you have good feelings from that relationship.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:29 AM on May 22, 2015
Response by poster: @ Yes in the beginning they wanted me to reach out to them before they interacted with me. I just left it alone..I did reach out to my grandmother but she was still upset. I honestly didn't have much of a bond with them before. I would visit as a child, but everyone was pretty consume with my mother. At least that what I felt growing up. Thank you for all of the suggestions (:
posted by TheBronxGirl at 2:34 AM on May 22, 2015
posted by TheBronxGirl at 2:34 AM on May 22, 2015
It is difficult to reconcile
I think it's more odd because they are suppose to be family and common sense will tell you I would not be my best self during that period
with
Maybe they were able to hold it together But I couldn't and it should have been understanding on their part.
You are deserving of compassion and of forgiveness for behaving a certain way in your grief. The problem seems to be how to find a way to extend that same compassion and forgiving to the other people in your life.
posted by kmennie at 4:05 AM on May 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
I think it's more odd because they are suppose to be family and common sense will tell you I would not be my best self during that period
with
Maybe they were able to hold it together But I couldn't and it should have been understanding on their part.
You are deserving of compassion and of forgiveness for behaving a certain way in your grief. The problem seems to be how to find a way to extend that same compassion and forgiving to the other people in your life.
posted by kmennie at 4:05 AM on May 22, 2015 [9 favorites]
I’m sorry for your loss.
If you get to be forgiven for having a mental breakdown after your mother’s death & behaving in ways that drove your family away, can you extend the same forgiveness to them? They have as much right to grieve & be stricken by grief as you do.
Grief is hard. Grief takes time. Not everyone expresses it in the same way. You are no more or less deserving of compassion & support than the rest of your family, but that goes both ways.
posted by pharm at 4:22 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you get to be forgiven for having a mental breakdown after your mother’s death & behaving in ways that drove your family away, can you extend the same forgiveness to them? They have as much right to grieve & be stricken by grief as you do.
Grief is hard. Grief takes time. Not everyone expresses it in the same way. You are no more or less deserving of compassion & support than the rest of your family, but that goes both ways.
posted by pharm at 4:22 AM on May 22, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Hiya OP, I'm moderating today. Just as a general sort of PSA, Ask MeFi isn't really geared towards discussion or extended back-and-forth exchanges. So it's usually best to try and limit your comments in your own question threads to only essential updates or clarifications (more info in the FAQ). Sorry to be a stickler for protocol here. And absolutely not a big deal in this instance, don't worry -- only wanted to mention this for future reference. Thanks!
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 5:23 AM on May 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 5:23 AM on May 22, 2015 [4 favorites]
Grief can cause people to behave badly, oddly, inappropriately.
Going back over individual comments and actions from a difficult time will not help you get closure. If you carry this weight, this anger, it will only make your life harder.
For your own sanity, let it go. Forgive them.
Sorry for your loss.
posted by Flood at 6:32 AM on May 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
Going back over individual comments and actions from a difficult time will not help you get closure. If you carry this weight, this anger, it will only make your life harder.
For your own sanity, let it go. Forgive them.
Sorry for your loss.
posted by Flood at 6:32 AM on May 22, 2015 [3 favorites]
It seems like you are getting a lot of "they were grieving, too" comments and you are replying with: "no, I am angry at them".
You've already gotten permission to be angry at them. Be angry, that's fine. You cannot forgive them if you don't first acknowledge that you are angry at them.
BUT, you cannot demand compassion from them during a horrible time if you refuse to be compassionate even during better times. Be the bigger person.
posted by Neekee at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
You've already gotten permission to be angry at them. Be angry, that's fine. You cannot forgive them if you don't first acknowledge that you are angry at them.
BUT, you cannot demand compassion from them during a horrible time if you refuse to be compassionate even during better times. Be the bigger person.
posted by Neekee at 12:03 PM on May 22, 2015 [12 favorites]
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posted by AugustWest at 7:58 PM on May 21, 2015 [7 favorites]