why do people invite friends and family to their performances?
March 20, 2015 9:41 PM Subscribe
If you do some sort of performance art (e.g., music, dance) as a hobby, and want friends and family to come watch your performances, can you explain why? Is it for their benefit or yours? What do you hope will happen? How do you expect them to behave?
A friend (amateur dancer) invited me to a performance, and said that my attendance would meant a lot. In context, I don't think this is a platitude, which leaves me a bit mystified. I have no background or previous interest in this, the proceeds from the ticket go directly to the school (which charges enough in tuition that it certainly doesn't care), and given the format (group performance, big dark auditorium) it's quite likely that if one of us skipped the performance the other would never know.
As you may have guessed, spectators are not a thing that happens in any of my hobbies. The closest experience I've ever had was when my parents insisted on flying out to attend my college graduation despite the time and cost. I pointed out that, short of suddenly confessing to blatant plagiarism in multiple courses, I was going to be equally graduated whether they witnessed it or not. They just said that someday when I had kids I would understand.
A friend (amateur dancer) invited me to a performance, and said that my attendance would meant a lot. In context, I don't think this is a platitude, which leaves me a bit mystified. I have no background or previous interest in this, the proceeds from the ticket go directly to the school (which charges enough in tuition that it certainly doesn't care), and given the format (group performance, big dark auditorium) it's quite likely that if one of us skipped the performance the other would never know.
As you may have guessed, spectators are not a thing that happens in any of my hobbies. The closest experience I've ever had was when my parents insisted on flying out to attend my college graduation despite the time and cost. I pointed out that, short of suddenly confessing to blatant plagiarism in multiple courses, I was going to be equally graduated whether they witnessed it or not. They just said that someday when I had kids I would understand.
Because when you're performing, it's nice to feel like there's someone in the crowd supporting you, rooting for you to do well. It's a nice little boost and can help get you past any stage fright you might have.
posted by lunasol at 9:49 PM on March 20, 2015 [40 favorites]
posted by lunasol at 9:49 PM on March 20, 2015 [40 favorites]
People are proud of their accomplishments. People want to share these events, acknowledgements, performances, etc. with the people they feel close to. They are looking for affirmation and connection...and they want to share their pride in these skills with others. If you're not feeling the connection and inclination to participate, it might be best to gracefully and compassionately decline the invitation.
That said, if you feel your experience in these situations fall outside the norm, it might be worth exploring why you don't feel drawn to participate in these types of events...
posted by HuronBob at 9:50 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
That said, if you feel your experience in these situations fall outside the norm, it might be worth exploring why you don't feel drawn to participate in these types of events...
posted by HuronBob at 9:50 PM on March 20, 2015 [10 favorites]
It's about emotional support.
Presumably your friend cares a lot about their dance hobby. It is important to them. Something they've probably dedicated a lot of hours and effort to.
Presumably you care about your friend. Your friend is important to you. A way to show your friend that you think they're important is by dedicating a small amount of your time to sharing in the thing that's important to them.
It's as simple as that.
Also, man, I'd hate to live in a world where I couldn't expose myself to new things. Maybe you'll enjoy being a spectator because of the performance itself, and not just because you want to support your friend!
posted by phunniemee at 9:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [17 favorites]
Presumably your friend cares a lot about their dance hobby. It is important to them. Something they've probably dedicated a lot of hours and effort to.
Presumably you care about your friend. Your friend is important to you. A way to show your friend that you think they're important is by dedicating a small amount of your time to sharing in the thing that's important to them.
It's as simple as that.
Also, man, I'd hate to live in a world where I couldn't expose myself to new things. Maybe you'll enjoy being a spectator because of the performance itself, and not just because you want to support your friend!
posted by phunniemee at 9:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [17 favorites]
It's someone rooting for you in the audience. There's a secondary hope they'll enjoy the artistry, but it's mostly (for me) about having an in-person cheering section.
posted by jaguar at 9:53 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 9:53 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
I am in the Performing Arts. If we were friends, there are a lot of reasons I might invite you to my performance:
Don't overthink it. Go and support your friend if you want, and hopefully you'll be entertained along the way!
On preview: what everybody else said. :)
posted by Zephyrial at 9:53 PM on March 20, 2015 [43 favorites]
- I am proud of my work;
- I think the performance will be entertaining to you;
- it's better for everyone who worked on the show if we have a good-sized audience, so I want to do my part to pack the house;
- I am nervous about performing and want to know there is someone who cares about me in the audience;
- I want you to validate/compliment me when all is said and done, etc....
Don't overthink it. Go and support your friend if you want, and hopefully you'll be entertained along the way!
On preview: what everybody else said. :)
posted by Zephyrial at 9:53 PM on March 20, 2015 [43 favorites]
(And I actually would not have cared if everyone had skipped my graduation. Performing arts, however, are predicated on the idea of an audience.)
posted by jaguar at 9:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 9:54 PM on March 20, 2015 [11 favorites]
I was in a school symphonic band and it is definitely more awesome when friends or family come. It made me feel like I was performing for someone who would witness the results of me practising for weeks of months, like my performance wouldn't just disappear into the ether after the night was over.
Also, it's awesome to receive flowers or to have them come backstage and come see you during the intermission or after the performance. Your attendance would be a show of support for your friend.
College graduation is different in that the results of your college career would be evident in your paper qualifications and future employment, whereas the results of practising for the concert can only be witnessed on performance nights.
posted by rozaine at 9:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
Also, it's awesome to receive flowers or to have them come backstage and come see you during the intermission or after the performance. Your attendance would be a show of support for your friend.
College graduation is different in that the results of your college career would be evident in your paper qualifications and future employment, whereas the results of practising for the concert can only be witnessed on performance nights.
posted by rozaine at 9:57 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
... which is to say, some art forms, like painting or sculpture or film or writing, are created so that anyone who views them at any time can have the same experience as anyone who views them at any other time. Performing arts are different in that every performance (a) feeds off the energy of the audience and so is different every night given the audience, and (b) is not set up specifically to be filmed or otherwise transmitted in a non-synchronous manner.
I once acted in a play in which as one character I had one short scene. In the eight performances we had, every single one of them was different -- it changed depending on my co-performer's energy and the audience's energy and how the play had been going up until then. Live performance is a very in-the-moment thing.
posted by jaguar at 9:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
I once acted in a play in which as one character I had one short scene. In the eight performances we had, every single one of them was different -- it changed depending on my co-performer's energy and the audience's energy and how the play had been going up until then. Live performance is a very in-the-moment thing.
posted by jaguar at 9:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
There's the old adage that bars/nightclubs/coffee houses will let you perform for free if you bring in a bunch of friends that buy drinks.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:59 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:59 PM on March 20, 2015 [2 favorites]
People often like celebrating accomplishments and milestones with their loved ones. People also often like seeing their loved ones showcase a talent, or the appreciable results of something they really enjoy and have worked hard at. It's for both parties.
posted by hejrat at 10:00 PM on March 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by hejrat at 10:00 PM on March 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
Three of my friends once all got in a car and drove an hour to see me sing with a group in a performance at the end of a class I took. I mentioned it, but didn't expect they would come! I had no idea how good it would make me feel that they came.
I was just thinking the other day about how loved that act made me feel. It showed that they cared about me so much that they were willing to make a weekend trip out of something that really wasn't that big of a deal. I had an audience of people who I cared about and who cared about me. I was singing *to* someone. It was a shared experience, and I like to have histories with my close friends.
Maybe it's sort of like telling people about your birthday. Perhaps you also see little value in getting a variety of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! !!" wishes? Or, if you do enjoy that, maybe you can see a similarity between the two?
posted by aniola at 10:01 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
I was just thinking the other day about how loved that act made me feel. It showed that they cared about me so much that they were willing to make a weekend trip out of something that really wasn't that big of a deal. I had an audience of people who I cared about and who cared about me. I was singing *to* someone. It was a shared experience, and I like to have histories with my close friends.
Maybe it's sort of like telling people about your birthday. Perhaps you also see little value in getting a variety of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! !!" wishes? Or, if you do enjoy that, maybe you can see a similarity between the two?
posted by aniola at 10:01 PM on March 20, 2015 [9 favorites]
Not that this is something that occurs to the person doing the inviting (it would be weird if it did!), but family and close friends can also experience a vicarious boost to self esteem (if the performance is good, or if they think it is). A "That's my girl!" sort of thing for family, and "I know that guy (or maybe "I know that guy" for friends). I can see how happy my closest are when I've done well, and I know I feel a little uplifted with borrowed pride when a friend of mine does something amazing. (Which all of them do, all the time ;) )
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:09 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:09 PM on March 20, 2015 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to forestall the chorus of "You should go!", I do intend to go.
posted by d. z. wang at 10:16 PM on March 20, 2015
posted by d. z. wang at 10:16 PM on March 20, 2015
It may help to imagine talking about something you're really excited about to a panel of blank-faced strangers versus talking about something you're really excited about to a group of people who really want to hear what you have to say because they super-interested in you as a person.
posted by jaguar at 10:18 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 10:18 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Because friends like to share experiences and accomplishments with one another.
posted by Toddles at 10:27 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 10:27 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
The only time I ever invite people to a thing (or give them my work) is when they specifically, and usually repeatedly, request it. I did not go to my graduation, any of them, and I didn't invite my family. I don't invite my family or friends to watch me speak at anything but if I was able to I'd probably let them view a recording. Some of that is behavioural - my family are redneck assholes and I'm a liberal academic and I just don't want to deal with the two clashing spheres, but even before the most recent brain-eating, I just didn't experience their presence as support and I think that has filtered through to my friends even though they probably would be more supportive.
Data point: I don't like my birthday being celebrated either, and the only reason I ever do it is for other people to celebrate it as per their request. So I think it's just a brain thing some of us have.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:35 PM on March 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
Data point: I don't like my birthday being celebrated either, and the only reason I ever do it is for other people to celebrate it as per their request. So I think it's just a brain thing some of us have.
posted by geek anachronism at 10:35 PM on March 20, 2015 [1 favorite]
it's quite likely that if one of us skipped the performance the other would never know.
Oh, they'd know. There will be a high point - the crowd might really respond to a particular piece. There will be a glitch that your friend might worry about (response: "it's true that the sound went funny for a minute, but right then you did that thing, and you were so good no one noticed. Honestly!").
Don't lie and pretend it was 100% wonderful if your friend does worry about something; don't comment on it, though, and focus on a few moments that stood out as successful or strong. Don't volunteer criticism (since you're not also a dancer or collaborator and used to doing this) - if they're not delusional, they'll know where they went wrong. Most creative people are harshest on themselves.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:38 PM on March 20, 2015
Oh, they'd know. There will be a high point - the crowd might really respond to a particular piece. There will be a glitch that your friend might worry about (response: "it's true that the sound went funny for a minute, but right then you did that thing, and you were so good no one noticed. Honestly!").
Don't lie and pretend it was 100% wonderful if your friend does worry about something; don't comment on it, though, and focus on a few moments that stood out as successful or strong. Don't volunteer criticism (since you're not also a dancer or collaborator and used to doing this) - if they're not delusional, they'll know where they went wrong. Most creative people are harshest on themselves.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:38 PM on March 20, 2015
Because inviting people whose opinion you care about is a good way to keep motivated. Your friends are coming, you can't be all "Oh, I'm not very good, sorry, sorry everyone," because you've committed to showing them something worthwhile. (It's generally a bad idea to act apologetic on-stage anyway, but the urge can be strong if you aren't a born performer!)
It gives you skin in the game in a way that an anonymous performance no-one will remember you in doesn't.
posted by No-sword at 10:41 PM on March 20, 2015
It gives you skin in the game in a way that an anonymous performance no-one will remember you in doesn't.
posted by No-sword at 10:41 PM on March 20, 2015
What do you hope will happen?
Personally, I tend to fall far more on the "I think/hope you will like what I'm doing" side than the "emotional support" side, but that's me, and I very well might be an outlier.
Even if the art is something the invitee has no experience with, the artist can certainly hope that the people they invite will discover a New Thing to like.
How do you expect them to behave?
Well, when I was playing in post-punk bands, I expected a certain amount of good-natured heckling and wise-ass commentary during the show . . . .
OK that's not really what you're asking.
Given the "enormous dark auditorium" aspect, after the show you should make some effort to go to wherever the dancers are milling around meeting friends & family (possibly just up by the stage after the dancers have had a chance to towel off and throw on some sweats or something) and find your friend and compliment them on the performance. You don't have to say much, they don't expect you to have developed the language for an in-depth analysis of modern dance, just a quick, "Hey, that was really good." That way they know you made it.
If for some reason you can't connect that night, you should definitely text them a compliment and a "sorry we couldn't connect after the show" that night. Maybe follow it up a couple of days later with a longer conversation.
IOW, basic etiquette is if they invite you, you should make some effort to let them know you made it & saw the performance.
can you explain why?
Zephyrial made a very good point above with "preparing for a performance is time- and work-intensive, so when you invite a friend to see what you have been working on, you are showing them a part of yourself, sharing with them something you value." Sharing aspects of yourself with friends is a major element in continuing and strengthening friendships - if you non-spectator hobby was, say, model trains, at some point it would be totally normal for you to show your model train set-up to your friends, because it's important to you, and your friends knowing about things that are important to you is part of friendship. Your friend has a performance-based hobby, so they're inviting you to a performance.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:50 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
Personally, I tend to fall far more on the "I think/hope you will like what I'm doing" side than the "emotional support" side, but that's me, and I very well might be an outlier.
Even if the art is something the invitee has no experience with, the artist can certainly hope that the people they invite will discover a New Thing to like.
How do you expect them to behave?
Well, when I was playing in post-punk bands, I expected a certain amount of good-natured heckling and wise-ass commentary during the show . . . .
OK that's not really what you're asking.
Given the "enormous dark auditorium" aspect, after the show you should make some effort to go to wherever the dancers are milling around meeting friends & family (possibly just up by the stage after the dancers have had a chance to towel off and throw on some sweats or something) and find your friend and compliment them on the performance. You don't have to say much, they don't expect you to have developed the language for an in-depth analysis of modern dance, just a quick, "Hey, that was really good." That way they know you made it.
If for some reason you can't connect that night, you should definitely text them a compliment and a "sorry we couldn't connect after the show" that night. Maybe follow it up a couple of days later with a longer conversation.
IOW, basic etiquette is if they invite you, you should make some effort to let them know you made it & saw the performance.
can you explain why?
Zephyrial made a very good point above with "preparing for a performance is time- and work-intensive, so when you invite a friend to see what you have been working on, you are showing them a part of yourself, sharing with them something you value." Sharing aspects of yourself with friends is a major element in continuing and strengthening friendships - if you non-spectator hobby was, say, model trains, at some point it would be totally normal for you to show your model train set-up to your friends, because it's important to you, and your friends knowing about things that are important to you is part of friendship. Your friend has a performance-based hobby, so they're inviting you to a performance.
posted by soundguy99 at 10:50 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I'm a working musician -- I don't make a living at it or anything, but I usually have between 20 and 30 individual concerts in any given year, for large paying audience. I don't usually make a point of inviting family and friends to shows any more (although I LOVE it when they come); I've been doing this for a long time. The exceptions are:
* when we're doing an exceptionally cool program with music I'm really excited about
* when we're doing a piece or a genre that I know someone is exceptionally interested in
* when we're doing something exceptionally difficult that I've put a huge amount of work into.
In the first case, it's because I'm really on fire about the work and I want to be able to share it with someone I like, just like I'd recommend a book I really enjoyed. In the second, it's because I know the person in question will be sad to have missed it. And in the third? I once dragged my husband to the premiere of a work that I mostly hated and that I knew he would COMPLETELY hate, just because I had fucking bled to make it happen and I wanted him to observe the completion of the process.
So yeah, sometimes it's just "I'm doing a thing! Come share this thing I'm doing with me!" and sometimes it's "I have crawled out of Hell over broken glass to make this happen and I want you there to witness my triumph." Sometimes it's even "Live performance can be scary as shit and it helps to know that there are some friendly faces in the audience who are rooting for me to succeed."
As for how to behave afterwards: the first step is to do your best to really engage in the performance. Pay attention; even if it doesn't grab you, try to see what it is about it that might grab someone else who isn't you. If one or two moments strike you as particularly cool, file them away to mention later. If there's anything that's going on that you don't understand, file that away to ask questions about. You don't have to gush over it if it left you cold, but at the very least, say something like "It's not the sort of thing that really gives me a rush or anything, but it was fantastic to see you in your element -- that's clearly a lot of hard work and you were clearly doing it very well."
Really what it's mostly about is "This is the thing I do. Please come share it with me."
posted by KathrynT at 10:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
* when we're doing an exceptionally cool program with music I'm really excited about
* when we're doing a piece or a genre that I know someone is exceptionally interested in
* when we're doing something exceptionally difficult that I've put a huge amount of work into.
In the first case, it's because I'm really on fire about the work and I want to be able to share it with someone I like, just like I'd recommend a book I really enjoyed. In the second, it's because I know the person in question will be sad to have missed it. And in the third? I once dragged my husband to the premiere of a work that I mostly hated and that I knew he would COMPLETELY hate, just because I had fucking bled to make it happen and I wanted him to observe the completion of the process.
So yeah, sometimes it's just "I'm doing a thing! Come share this thing I'm doing with me!" and sometimes it's "I have crawled out of Hell over broken glass to make this happen and I want you there to witness my triumph." Sometimes it's even "Live performance can be scary as shit and it helps to know that there are some friendly faces in the audience who are rooting for me to succeed."
As for how to behave afterwards: the first step is to do your best to really engage in the performance. Pay attention; even if it doesn't grab you, try to see what it is about it that might grab someone else who isn't you. If one or two moments strike you as particularly cool, file them away to mention later. If there's anything that's going on that you don't understand, file that away to ask questions about. You don't have to gush over it if it left you cold, but at the very least, say something like "It's not the sort of thing that really gives me a rush or anything, but it was fantastic to see you in your element -- that's clearly a lot of hard work and you were clearly doing it very well."
Really what it's mostly about is "This is the thing I do. Please come share it with me."
posted by KathrynT at 10:58 PM on March 20, 2015 [4 favorites]
When you build something cool, you want to show it to your buddies.
posted by pracowity at 11:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 11:52 PM on March 20, 2015 [3 favorites]
I was a professional performer at one point and I never invited friends or family to my performances. I actually preferred if they weren't there at all because I just wanted to "be" in the performance without thinking about how the people in my life were judging me on the stage. But then again, I did come from a very critical family so maybe that's why. Also- this might sound weird, but I always felt that my bond with the audience on any given night would be compromised or adulterated if I mixed that dynamic with the very, very different type of bond I had with friends and such. It does seem to be a thing though because many of my friends would try to get their family and friends to go to their shows. I think it's to help ramp them up and feel supported during the show.
posted by manderin at 12:35 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by manderin at 12:35 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Because they're up there on a stage exposing themselves and they're scared. And it's a comfort knowing the people who love and support you no matter what are right there with you. It doesn't matter if you're an amateur just starting out or a seasoned professional, once you're up there you need to know that you can look into that wall of strangers and find a familiar face or two.
posted by prolific at 1:18 AM on March 21, 2015
posted by prolific at 1:18 AM on March 21, 2015
Part of it is, when you love something and work hard on it, you want other people you like and love to share the thing that you love. When you're proud of something, you want to show it off. The regard of your friends is worht more than the regard of a stranger.
Another part of it is, when performing, it's infinitely preferable to have an audience than not, and infintely preferable to that to have a friendly, engaged audience. You can lean on friends to help form that audience, and rely on them to at least be polite and not heckle.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:48 AM on March 21, 2015
Another part of it is, when performing, it's infinitely preferable to have an audience than not, and infintely preferable to that to have a friendly, engaged audience. You can lean on friends to help form that audience, and rely on them to at least be polite and not heckle.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 1:48 AM on March 21, 2015
When I speak in public, having some friends in the audience makes me feel less nervous. Feeling less nervous then makes for a better performance. It's a small but real buff.
posted by shattersock at 2:55 AM on March 21, 2015
posted by shattersock at 2:55 AM on March 21, 2015
It sounds a little shallow, but I think a lot of the people who do this (the inviting of friends/family to a public performance) are also looking for the visceral reaction and plaudits directly after the show that they KNOW they will get from said family/friends. i know I sound dismissive or "prima donna" by saying that, but sometimes there's nothing better than your mom telling you she was watching you the whole time and you didn't even screw up once! (American Beauty)
posted by kuanes at 3:10 AM on March 21, 2015
posted by kuanes at 3:10 AM on March 21, 2015
Are you German? I'm sorta not kidding, because I have German relatives and they just don't get it, this American thing we have where we kinda show off our kids or our relatives or our own (negligible) talents at something even though we may not be super awesome at it. You just kinda have to deal with it, like fruitcake during the holidays. Pretend you partook and then change the subject. Nobody will be the wiser and it maintains family harmony.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 3:59 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by LuckySeven~ at 3:59 AM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
Ok, I think my previous answer was kind of flip, so I'd like to elaborate. You ask why do you "want friends and family to come watch your performances, can you explain why? Is it for their benefit or yours? What do you hope will happen? How do you expect them to behave?"
The main reason I'd even both asking someone to come to a performance of mine or my kid's would be because I really admired or respected the person. This person would be someone I thought very highly of and any acknowledgement of their approval of something that I or my kid did would make me giddy with glee for a long, long time. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. When someone you like or respect bothers to show up for your performance (of any sort), it feels validating and special -- like all of the hard work and struggle was worth it because this special person that you care about came and saw you do it. That's it. Seriously.
What do you hope will happen and how do you expect them to behave? I'd hope that they would give me a hug and say "Wow. You were really great!" (Even if I wasn't.) That's it.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:43 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
The main reason I'd even both asking someone to come to a performance of mine or my kid's would be because I really admired or respected the person. This person would be someone I thought very highly of and any acknowledgement of their approval of something that I or my kid did would make me giddy with glee for a long, long time. I wish I were kidding, but I'm not. When someone you like or respect bothers to show up for your performance (of any sort), it feels validating and special -- like all of the hard work and struggle was worth it because this special person that you care about came and saw you do it. That's it. Seriously.
What do you hope will happen and how do you expect them to behave? I'd hope that they would give me a hug and say "Wow. You were really great!" (Even if I wasn't.) That's it.
posted by LuckySeven~ at 4:43 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
For me (amateur musician) it's either because I think you'll enjoy it or because I need bodies in seats and I hope you'll enjoy it. For close friends/family, if I'm doing something obviously impressive, I might invite you because I think you'll be proud. In the very rare event I'm looking for emotional support I'll just straight up say so when I make the invite.
I mostly stopped inviting my mom to my performances because she treated it like she was doing me a big favor and I didn't really care that much. But then we started doing concerts that I knew she would really enjoy... it was hard to convince her that that was why I was inviting her. Very weird experience.
posted by mskyle at 5:16 AM on March 21, 2015
I mostly stopped inviting my mom to my performances because she treated it like she was doing me a big favor and I didn't really care that much. But then we started doing concerts that I knew she would really enjoy... it was hard to convince her that that was why I was inviting her. Very weird experience.
posted by mskyle at 5:16 AM on March 21, 2015
Sir Alec Guinness made the point that all acting is just dressing up for Mummy and Daddy, deep down. The same principle applies to inviting family or friends to your shows.
As far as I'm concerned, the whole point of creative work is to put something out into the world that I drew up from the bottom of my heart. It's my family and friends that are the real intended audience for that, much more so than strangers.
Though obviously I want to have impact beyond my immediate circle, because if the best I can say about my creative work is "my mother likes it" [1] then it's time for a bit of a dark night of the soul, but you know what I mean.
Fear, or making up audience numbers, doesn't have much to do with it for me. It's about making a meaningful connection.
As for how I expect them to behave - well, unless I'm giving them comps - and even if I am - I'm still asking them to spend their time and money admiring ME ME ME and watching the Great Me Show. So I have no grounds for EXPECTING anything at all from them. I usually don't even get acknowledgement of the invitation [2], and I do find that hurtful, but I accept it because I'm the one making a demand on them.
I'm also very mindful of the fact that I've experienced this in the other directin, where I've gone to great lengths to support a supposed friend in shows that I really had no interest in, and ended up out of pocket and feeling used. The stress of performing often means that a performer can't necessarily switch gears to socialize with you after the show and also often makes people rude. I've had otherwise good friends basically snub me at showtime without realizing it. And there is the side of things where someone is all friendly when they want your bum on a seat, but cuts you dead afterwards. I read a question on the green some time ago where someone was making what he thought were friendships and entertaining people one-on-one, and when these friendships were with performers they were "reciprocating" by inviting him to their shows (presumably at least some of the time at his own expense) and not really interacting with him personally. He got what I thought were some pretty harsh responses, especially from performers - it's important not to think that, as a performer, that by giving your friend the opportunity to watch you perform you are giving them a wonderful gift (especially if they paid for it!) and reciprocating their one-on-one hospitality. That, to me, is getting into a mentality that my friends owe it to me to behave like my fans, as if that's naturally where the focus should be, and that I don't owe them anything in return because hey, I've already given my heart and soul onstage, man.
However, it doesn't sound like your situation is remotely like that. If you value this friendship, you are definitely right to attend, regardless of whether you're interested in it. If your friend did dozens of shows every year, it would be different, but this is clearly a special occasion for her.
As for wondering why having people attend a graduation makes a difference to the graduant: major life occasions are usually considered to have relational significance to most people. a graduation is not that significant to anyone but the graduand's closest relatives, and the graduant is just one of many, which is why you usually get a maximum of three tickets for stuff like that. But it's in the same category of life significance as a wedding or a funeral or a christening, even if it's not as significant as any of those things. A couple is just as married in their day clothes with the minimum legal number of witnesses as they are with a big foofy white wedding, but most people want to make more of a celebration of the convergence of their lives, and so they do. Likewise, a dead person is just as dead if they're wrapped in a winding sheet and thrown in the incinerator, but most of society wants to make more of it than that, since if we treated one of our fellow humans' passing with such total disregard we're also that much more likely to disregard them in life.
[1] Actually the tel3mum is a fairly stern critic
[2] and the tel3mum has a near-100% RSVP rate
posted by tel3path at 5:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
As far as I'm concerned, the whole point of creative work is to put something out into the world that I drew up from the bottom of my heart. It's my family and friends that are the real intended audience for that, much more so than strangers.
Though obviously I want to have impact beyond my immediate circle, because if the best I can say about my creative work is "my mother likes it" [1] then it's time for a bit of a dark night of the soul, but you know what I mean.
Fear, or making up audience numbers, doesn't have much to do with it for me. It's about making a meaningful connection.
As for how I expect them to behave - well, unless I'm giving them comps - and even if I am - I'm still asking them to spend their time and money admiring ME ME ME and watching the Great Me Show. So I have no grounds for EXPECTING anything at all from them. I usually don't even get acknowledgement of the invitation [2], and I do find that hurtful, but I accept it because I'm the one making a demand on them.
I'm also very mindful of the fact that I've experienced this in the other directin, where I've gone to great lengths to support a supposed friend in shows that I really had no interest in, and ended up out of pocket and feeling used. The stress of performing often means that a performer can't necessarily switch gears to socialize with you after the show and also often makes people rude. I've had otherwise good friends basically snub me at showtime without realizing it. And there is the side of things where someone is all friendly when they want your bum on a seat, but cuts you dead afterwards. I read a question on the green some time ago where someone was making what he thought were friendships and entertaining people one-on-one, and when these friendships were with performers they were "reciprocating" by inviting him to their shows (presumably at least some of the time at his own expense) and not really interacting with him personally. He got what I thought were some pretty harsh responses, especially from performers - it's important not to think that, as a performer, that by giving your friend the opportunity to watch you perform you are giving them a wonderful gift (especially if they paid for it!) and reciprocating their one-on-one hospitality. That, to me, is getting into a mentality that my friends owe it to me to behave like my fans, as if that's naturally where the focus should be, and that I don't owe them anything in return because hey, I've already given my heart and soul onstage, man.
However, it doesn't sound like your situation is remotely like that. If you value this friendship, you are definitely right to attend, regardless of whether you're interested in it. If your friend did dozens of shows every year, it would be different, but this is clearly a special occasion for her.
As for wondering why having people attend a graduation makes a difference to the graduant: major life occasions are usually considered to have relational significance to most people. a graduation is not that significant to anyone but the graduand's closest relatives, and the graduant is just one of many, which is why you usually get a maximum of three tickets for stuff like that. But it's in the same category of life significance as a wedding or a funeral or a christening, even if it's not as significant as any of those things. A couple is just as married in their day clothes with the minimum legal number of witnesses as they are with a big foofy white wedding, but most people want to make more of a celebration of the convergence of their lives, and so they do. Likewise, a dead person is just as dead if they're wrapped in a winding sheet and thrown in the incinerator, but most of society wants to make more of it than that, since if we treated one of our fellow humans' passing with such total disregard we're also that much more likely to disregard them in life.
[1] Actually the tel3mum is a fairly stern critic
[2] and the tel3mum has a near-100% RSVP rate
posted by tel3path at 5:41 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
N'thing the folks who say it's for emotional support. After all, a bunch of strangers might not be impressed, but your close family and friends? Even if you were the worst performer on the planet, they know the rules: as your family & friends, they're pretty well expected to clap, cheer and tell everyone you were wonderful.
Look, a couple of years back I got invited to the first piano recital of a then-6-year-old. I knew dang well that A) he'd only been studying the piano for six months; B) he's a sweetie, but buckling down and studying is not his strong suit; and C) all the other kids in that recital would be just as, ahem, "experienced" and "skilled" as my nephew --- i.e., I knew going in it was gonna stink. I'm sorry to say I overestimated what I was going to be hearing...... ever sit through fourteen (14!!) versions of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in a row, by fourteen little kids? I have, and I can't recommend it! But here's the thing: every single adult, parents and all the rest of us, knew that the rule was, clap for every single kid like it's the best thing anybody ever played on any piano anywhere: sort of an unwritten "you cheer for my kid, and I'll cheer for yours."
It's far less obvious with an adult performer, but it comes down to the same thing in the end.
posted by easily confused at 11:47 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
Look, a couple of years back I got invited to the first piano recital of a then-6-year-old. I knew dang well that A) he'd only been studying the piano for six months; B) he's a sweetie, but buckling down and studying is not his strong suit; and C) all the other kids in that recital would be just as, ahem, "experienced" and "skilled" as my nephew --- i.e., I knew going in it was gonna stink. I'm sorry to say I overestimated what I was going to be hearing...... ever sit through fourteen (14!!) versions of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in a row, by fourteen little kids? I have, and I can't recommend it! But here's the thing: every single adult, parents and all the rest of us, knew that the rule was, clap for every single kid like it's the best thing anybody ever played on any piano anywhere: sort of an unwritten "you cheer for my kid, and I'll cheer for yours."
It's far less obvious with an adult performer, but it comes down to the same thing in the end.
posted by easily confused at 11:47 AM on March 21, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not a performer, but I had friends in high school and college who were, and when I and other mutual friends went to their performances, our primary purpose was to wait for them afterwards, make a small warm-and-fuzzy fuss about how great everything was, and sometimes take them off for ice cream or a drink. So, basically, to share and prolong the happy vibes.
posted by ostro at 5:53 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by ostro at 5:53 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was a theater major in college, & one of the most striking things to me was the concept of the "performative transaction." Simply put, it's the exchange of energy between the audience and the performers, which makes each performance unique, unexpected, &, on a good night, positively transcendent. Sharing in those moments dearest to you can mean the world to you both. When you invite family & friends to your performances, these are the main motivations that come to mind:
1. I want to share an incredibly important part of myself that isn't available in any other context
2. I want you to understand all those times I talked about being stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or begged off plans due to rehearsal/tech/catching my breath, especially if this is going to happen with some regularity.
3. I'm looking for honest feedback (this is only if it's stated in advance). Otherwise, just show up with some wine or flowers, hug your friend, & congratulate the person on his/her work.
4. A large part of whether I am booked/cast/ incorporated into the performance some way is how many audience members I can deliver. The more, the better. Even if this is some sort of non-profit/community theater/volunteer/hobby venture, the more people you bring in the doors, the more valuable you appear to be & are afforded more opportunities to grow & shine.
On a sentimental level, it's for all the reasons you invite family & friends to any event that is meaningful to you. On a practical level, more butts in chairs means more opportunities to do what you love, regardless of whether its your career or not. Hope that helps!
posted by katemcd at 9:56 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
1. I want to share an incredibly important part of myself that isn't available in any other context
2. I want you to understand all those times I talked about being stressed, tired, overwhelmed, or begged off plans due to rehearsal/tech/catching my breath, especially if this is going to happen with some regularity.
3. I'm looking for honest feedback (this is only if it's stated in advance). Otherwise, just show up with some wine or flowers, hug your friend, & congratulate the person on his/her work.
4. A large part of whether I am booked/cast/ incorporated into the performance some way is how many audience members I can deliver. The more, the better. Even if this is some sort of non-profit/community theater/volunteer/hobby venture, the more people you bring in the doors, the more valuable you appear to be & are afforded more opportunities to grow & shine.
On a sentimental level, it's for all the reasons you invite family & friends to any event that is meaningful to you. On a practical level, more butts in chairs means more opportunities to do what you love, regardless of whether its your career or not. Hope that helps!
posted by katemcd at 9:56 PM on March 21, 2015 [2 favorites]
> the proceeds from the ticket go directly to the school (which charges enough in tuition that it certainly doesn't care)
I guarantee you the school is tracking the cost vs. income of that program. If this dance group doesn't do a good job (compared to the school's other dance groups or performances) of recouping that money, this dance group will be cut. I went to a stupidly rich "surely they'll never notice" private university and the same thing happened often.
I think I'm closer to your viewpoint than a lot of people -- I wouldn't bug my friends to come if my group's performances were always packed. But they aren't. If nobody's friends or family came, there would be like 5 people in the audience. It's not the same setup as an improv group or a band where each member has to force X number of people to come, but nobody wants an empty audience (plus the group would be cut soon), so there's still a lot of motivation to rope friends in.
posted by booksandlibretti at 9:52 AM on March 23, 2015
I guarantee you the school is tracking the cost vs. income of that program. If this dance group doesn't do a good job (compared to the school's other dance groups or performances) of recouping that money, this dance group will be cut. I went to a stupidly rich "surely they'll never notice" private university and the same thing happened often.
I think I'm closer to your viewpoint than a lot of people -- I wouldn't bug my friends to come if my group's performances were always packed. But they aren't. If nobody's friends or family came, there would be like 5 people in the audience. It's not the same setup as an improv group or a band where each member has to force X number of people to come, but nobody wants an empty audience (plus the group would be cut soon), so there's still a lot of motivation to rope friends in.
posted by booksandlibretti at 9:52 AM on March 23, 2015
I've been in a variety of bands over the years - original material stuff - plus solo performances. All low level, small numbers gigs. I want certain friends to come initially because I appreciate the feedback and I trust their judgement; so when it's the first gig of a new band for example, or some other new venture, I want the feedback so invite them along. After that initial feedback I like having friends there who want to be there, as it is supportive and helps me feel that it's a worthwhile venture if they get some enjoyment from it, but I don't ask them to come as such, just make people aware of gigs and leave it up to them. I also like being able to play to an appreciative audience that doesn't have any friends or family in it, as I feel that appreciation is valuable in a different way.
It sounds as though your friend will have put a lot of time and effort into this show, and would like some support for what will be a nerve-wracking thing. For the performer, any artistic endeavour can start to feel frivolous and of little value when their confidence is low. Having a bit of support to say 'what you are doing is worthwhile and I appreciate you doing it' will make a massive difference.
posted by Sevenisamagicnumber at 3:39 PM on March 24, 2015
It sounds as though your friend will have put a lot of time and effort into this show, and would like some support for what will be a nerve-wracking thing. For the performer, any artistic endeavour can start to feel frivolous and of little value when their confidence is low. Having a bit of support to say 'what you are doing is worthwhile and I appreciate you doing it' will make a massive difference.
posted by Sevenisamagicnumber at 3:39 PM on March 24, 2015
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. We had an interesting conversation afterward about the production (some changes made after they tech'ed, the physical constraints that drove certain decisions) and I also asked why I was invited. Apparently, as many of you described, it helps to know there's a familiar face in the audience, even one that's completely invisible to you on stage and completely ignorant about the standards and techniques of your art. Not a feeling I personally empathize with, but I guess I am the outlier here.
posted by d. z. wang at 8:30 PM on March 24, 2015
posted by d. z. wang at 8:30 PM on March 24, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by d. z. wang at 9:42 PM on March 20, 2015