Getting divorced. What do I owe the in-laws?
March 8, 2015 10:17 PM Subscribe
I'm getting divorced after 20+ years of marriage. Once everything is official and done and legal, what is the etiquette in terms of ongoing interaction with my ex in-laws? Is it normal (that is, expected or required) to maintain some kind of relationship afterwards (especially as there are kids involved—teens, though, not toddlers)? Or am I free to no longer have to deal with them, and leave all that to my ex-husband?
Divorced after 17 years. I send an email on my In-Law's birthdays. I also will respond (in a nice way) to their periodic emails asking how I am.
I think the only obligation you have is to not be an obstacle to your children having a relationship with them while they are still in high school. If they are paying for stuff for your kids, be nice. Otherwise, contact them as you see fit.
posted by 724A at 10:29 PM on March 8, 2015
I think the only obligation you have is to not be an obstacle to your children having a relationship with them while they are still in high school. If they are paying for stuff for your kids, be nice. Otherwise, contact them as you see fit.
posted by 724A at 10:29 PM on March 8, 2015
My parents divorced when I was in middle school. My siblings were in late elementary and high school. My parents have a good relationship, but they rarely deal with the in-laws. They don't see each other, except at a funeral or by coincidence out on the town. Everyone is civil and polite-friendly, but there is no strong relationship there. It's not necessary.
posted by Aranquis at 10:34 PM on March 8, 2015
posted by Aranquis at 10:34 PM on March 8, 2015
What is your relationship with your in-laws, and what has been their reaction to your divorce?
While your ex-husband would normally be the one to initiate the children's interaction with their paternal grandparents until they fully manage their own lives, there's no reason you shouldn't stay in touch with them too if you want to. You wouldn't expect to attend their regular family functions unless you are on very friendly terms with your ex, but you could certainly drop by or visit with the children occasionally when he's not there. And unless his parents have become hostile or unfriendly toward you, they would probably appreciate your giving them a call to catch up and visit once in awhile. It's hard to have people you love just disappear from your life - and it sounds like they've been a part of your life for many years.
On the other hand, if your relationship has been or is becoming strained, you don't have a responsibility to continue an active relationship with them. But do be aware that your teenage children are learning a lot by observing how you act toward others - including their grandparents. At the very least, you'll be seeing them again at your children's weddings and other major life events, so it's in your best interest to be able to interact on a congenial level.
Best wishes for your new life!
posted by summerstorm at 10:35 PM on March 8, 2015
While your ex-husband would normally be the one to initiate the children's interaction with their paternal grandparents until they fully manage their own lives, there's no reason you shouldn't stay in touch with them too if you want to. You wouldn't expect to attend their regular family functions unless you are on very friendly terms with your ex, but you could certainly drop by or visit with the children occasionally when he's not there. And unless his parents have become hostile or unfriendly toward you, they would probably appreciate your giving them a call to catch up and visit once in awhile. It's hard to have people you love just disappear from your life - and it sounds like they've been a part of your life for many years.
On the other hand, if your relationship has been or is becoming strained, you don't have a responsibility to continue an active relationship with them. But do be aware that your teenage children are learning a lot by observing how you act toward others - including their grandparents. At the very least, you'll be seeing them again at your children's weddings and other major life events, so it's in your best interest to be able to interact on a congenial level.
Best wishes for your new life!
posted by summerstorm at 10:35 PM on March 8, 2015
Judging by the tags, it seems you have an unpleasant relationship with the in-laws. You don't need to put up with them--just don't be an impediment if your kids want to maintain contact. Good luck with your new circumstances.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:50 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:50 PM on March 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's unclear from your post what leaving it all to your husband would mean. Will he make efforts to enable your children to have a relationship with their grandparents? Will that relationship be healthy (enough)? If so, then by all means, leave it to him. Under those circumstances it's hard to imagine why you would need to get involved.
I think the missing information here is what will happen if you do leave it to him. Is there something that you feel will not work out as it should? Other than allowing them access to their grandchildren (which, if there is no reason not to, seems like the kind thing to do for all parties), what else would you envisage yourself doing?
It's sort of impossible to answer this unless we know what you think you'd need to do in terms of involvement.
posted by jojobobo at 12:13 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think the missing information here is what will happen if you do leave it to him. Is there something that you feel will not work out as it should? Other than allowing them access to their grandchildren (which, if there is no reason not to, seems like the kind thing to do for all parties), what else would you envisage yourself doing?
It's sort of impossible to answer this unless we know what you think you'd need to do in terms of involvement.
posted by jojobobo at 12:13 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Sorry just to add further-- aside from the children involved I don't think there is any obligation to spend time with them unless you want to.
posted by jojobobo at 12:13 AM on March 9, 2015
posted by jojobobo at 12:13 AM on March 9, 2015
Um, there's no rule you have to keep in contact with in-laws, but there's not rule you don't, either.
My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, for my father - whose own parents had passed away decades before - it was natural he would want to keep up some kind of relationship with my mother's mother. Mum sure hated that, but shit, she'd been his mum for nearly as long you know?
That said, my mum rebuffed attempts from her siblings-in-law to reach out to her, she'd "had enough".
It's up to you, just a) don't be a blocker from your kids doing what the want to do, and would like to do (don't guilt them if they want to hang with their relatives); b) don't put the burden on them - or anyone else - to navigate your family shit. Kids especially have to deal with enough bad behaviour from supposed adults during divorce; c) as a corollary, don't make any scenes about group family events where everyone will show up. Absolutely no grandstanding, no "if they're coming to your birthday/graduation/whatever, I'm not!", or being sooky or silly once there.
The above is why I would recommend a distant civility. They are acquaintances now that you may see from time to time as you share some of the same interests. Nothing more, but for the sake of your kids, nothing less. Also, no badmouthing them to kids.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 2:42 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
My parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, for my father - whose own parents had passed away decades before - it was natural he would want to keep up some kind of relationship with my mother's mother. Mum sure hated that, but shit, she'd been his mum for nearly as long you know?
That said, my mum rebuffed attempts from her siblings-in-law to reach out to her, she'd "had enough".
It's up to you, just a) don't be a blocker from your kids doing what the want to do, and would like to do (don't guilt them if they want to hang with their relatives); b) don't put the burden on them - or anyone else - to navigate your family shit. Kids especially have to deal with enough bad behaviour from supposed adults during divorce; c) as a corollary, don't make any scenes about group family events where everyone will show up. Absolutely no grandstanding, no "if they're coming to your birthday/graduation/whatever, I'm not!", or being sooky or silly once there.
The above is why I would recommend a distant civility. They are acquaintances now that you may see from time to time as you share some of the same interests. Nothing more, but for the sake of your kids, nothing less. Also, no badmouthing them to kids.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 2:42 AM on March 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you were friendly with them, remain friendly. If you were cordial, it's the same.
When over 10 years ago I got divorced after 17 married years, I kept in touch with his side of the family with emails and Facebook. I share updates on the kids and how we're doing, like one does with distant cousins. My ex has never once reached out to my side of the family; it only reinforces to them that he's an asshole.
posted by kinetic at 3:15 AM on March 9, 2015
When over 10 years ago I got divorced after 17 married years, I kept in touch with his side of the family with emails and Facebook. I share updates on the kids and how we're doing, like one does with distant cousins. My ex has never once reached out to my side of the family; it only reinforces to them that he's an asshole.
posted by kinetic at 3:15 AM on March 9, 2015
There's no rule - you do what's best and healthiest for you. If that means cutting them off, then fine - within reason. It's not healthy to obstruct your kids' relationships with their grandparents.
My family has had many divorces and in general everyone keeps up with their exes and ex-in-laws etc. My father is the champion of this - he hangs out regularly with his ex-siblings-in-law. He has lunch once a month with my grandmother, his ex-mother-in-law. My late aunt had a warm and loving relationship with her ex-parents-in-law, whom she still called Mom and Dad. I'm sure a lot of people find that incredibly weird. I'm telling you these things to show you that there's no universally accepted definition of normal in these cases. You do what feels right to you.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:49 AM on March 9, 2015
My family has had many divorces and in general everyone keeps up with their exes and ex-in-laws etc. My father is the champion of this - he hangs out regularly with his ex-siblings-in-law. He has lunch once a month with my grandmother, his ex-mother-in-law. My late aunt had a warm and loving relationship with her ex-parents-in-law, whom she still called Mom and Dad. I'm sure a lot of people find that incredibly weird. I'm telling you these things to show you that there's no universally accepted definition of normal in these cases. You do what feels right to you.
posted by Ziggy500 at 3:49 AM on March 9, 2015
I normally post answers that are pro-family, in favor of working things out. But not in this case.
You owe your ex-in-laws nothing. Anything due them regarding the children should come from their son.
You only obligation is to not poison your children's relationship with them.
But you do not owe them any help to maintain or re-build the current relationship. That is on them and their son.
That said, grandparents can often be a wonderful part of someone's life. If you like and respect these people, if you want them in your children's life, then can absolutely help foster that.
But from the post, it sounds to me like you would rather be done with them, and that is fine too.
You owe them nothing here.
posted by Flood at 3:57 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
You owe your ex-in-laws nothing. Anything due them regarding the children should come from their son.
You only obligation is to not poison your children's relationship with them.
But you do not owe them any help to maintain or re-build the current relationship. That is on them and their son.
That said, grandparents can often be a wonderful part of someone's life. If you like and respect these people, if you want them in your children's life, then can absolutely help foster that.
But from the post, it sounds to me like you would rather be done with them, and that is fine too.
You owe them nothing here.
posted by Flood at 3:57 AM on March 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you like them, keep them. If you don't, then leave them alone. Your kids are old enough to give them their numbers. His family is no longer your responsibility.
posted by myselfasme at 6:55 AM on March 9, 2015
posted by myselfasme at 6:55 AM on March 9, 2015
If they are difficult, I would say leave it to your ex-husband. Help the kids if they want to see their grandparents on his side, but your ex isn't stepping up. If the kids can't drive yet, they can call grandma and grandpa to set up the visit, and you can always drop them off at a neutral location for the grandparents to pick up and drop off. I have a lot of friends whose parents did it this way - none of the adults had to interact, and the kids still got to see their grandparents.
Also, I agree with the above advice to remain cordial and polite if you have to see the ex-inlaws at things like weddings and funerals. Don't be that person, the "if they're coming I'm not!" person, if you can at all help it.
All of this supposes that they are normal-difficult and not abusive-difficult. Abusive of course is a whole 'nother ball of wax.
posted by RogueTech at 9:37 AM on March 9, 2015
Also, I agree with the above advice to remain cordial and polite if you have to see the ex-inlaws at things like weddings and funerals. Don't be that person, the "if they're coming I'm not!" person, if you can at all help it.
All of this supposes that they are normal-difficult and not abusive-difficult. Abusive of course is a whole 'nother ball of wax.
posted by RogueTech at 9:37 AM on March 9, 2015
From an oft-divorced family (both parents twice, currently on my second brother-in-law on one side, multiple ex-uncles, etc.), I can tell you that being cordial toward them is helpful - be polite when you run into them, when picking up the kids from a place where they are, etc., - but you are not expected to sit with them when mutually attending school plays, sports meets, or weddings, and sharing holiday events with them like dinners, etc. is (almost entirely) unheard of. You are divorcing that family to whatever extent you wish.
I have (former) aunts and uncles my side of the family has not seen in 30 years. When you divorce someone, you get to choose whether or not you want anything to do with the extended family.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:03 PM on March 9, 2015
I have (former) aunts and uncles my side of the family has not seen in 30 years. When you divorce someone, you get to choose whether or not you want anything to do with the extended family.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:03 PM on March 9, 2015
As others have said, there's no rule.
I found it painful to maintain contact with them as my ex-wife was the leaver in the relationship, so I chose to cut it off, more or less. I'm cordial in conversation and I regard them highly, but it's painful to associate with them and got in the way of my healing.
You have to do what's right for you. You shouldn't have to maintain a relationship just to make your divorce palatable for others to digest. Not maintaining contact does not make you an "asshole" as another poster mentioned.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:43 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I found it painful to maintain contact with them as my ex-wife was the leaver in the relationship, so I chose to cut it off, more or less. I'm cordial in conversation and I regard them highly, but it's painful to associate with them and got in the way of my healing.
You have to do what's right for you. You shouldn't have to maintain a relationship just to make your divorce palatable for others to digest. Not maintaining contact does not make you an "asshole" as another poster mentioned.
posted by PsuDab93 at 11:43 AM on March 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
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But if their father can't keep them in contact with his own parents, you may have to step in to support the relationship till they're well and truly old enough to manage it themselves.
Kids have a right to see the (non harmful) family members they care about. Help them if he won't.
But if nobody needs your help you can totally , "Not my monkeys" it.
posted by taff at 10:24 PM on March 8, 2015 [3 favorites]