help me become a dom...

February 9, 2015 11:57 AM

we're both total subs (sexually, it doesn't extend beyond the bedroom). he *really* wants to be dominated. how do i switch my thinking and give him the experience he wants?
posted by megan_magnolia to Human Relations (10 answers total)

One option is to remind him that it's very rare for everyone to have every experience they want.
posted by metasarah at 12:21 PM on February 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

You might be interested in this previous Ask.
posted by Michele in California at 12:26 PM on February 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

As someone who isn't super into being dominant, I find it helps to pretend like you're in a play and just acting. You don't necessarily need to be getting off on it as long as they are. (I look at it as one of the different things I do to make my partner happy, like making their favorite dish or taking a turn going to get groceries.)

Find a couple scripts that you could follow and continually ask yourself, what would I want a dom to do to me?
posted by just.good.enough at 12:28 PM on February 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

One way that might help is to change how you think of dominating someone. It doesn't have to be all whips & chains. Depending on how he likes to be dominated, seriously fun headfuckery can be had with with thinking of the sub as a more of a pet than a sex slave. I found it an easier mental switch in a similar situation. I thought I was super subby myself, but living by the whole GGG philosphy at the time I said I'd try. I thought of it like training a dog not dominating someone. Changed my whole perception of myself as subby only, and gave my partner a whole new range of interests in the bedroom. There are a whole range of Dominate activities, just saying he wants to be dominated won't really work, unless you know exactly what he wants. Is it to be a full time switch, an occasional switch, you take turns, he's going to fulfill your needs by Dominating you another time etc. Are there any things he wants you to do that you could do, just not all of them, are they all off the table for you? There is such a spectrum of Dom & sub behaviors it's a little hard to suggest anything without knowing more.

And as just.good.enough says sometimes you just play act to make it hot for your partner, and them getting hot makes it hot for you. As long as they are willing to do the same for you sometimes.
posted by wwax at 12:32 PM on February 9, 2015 [6 favorites]

Somebody's going to give a better answer than this eventually that says the same thing better, but 'fake it until you make it' has been known to work in this kind of pairing.

First, the Dom-in-training has got to really want to do it. And not in a "I'm putting up with this bit of bother so that you will be happier" way but in a "I am interested in being in this position myself and getting better at it and also this will work for our relationship" way. Totally cool if that doesn't work for you but if it can happen, I think the desire to be there is a must.

If that's there, then it takes work and patience. Both sides have to understand that it might be awkward at first and quite probably won't be as satisfying as you'd like right out of gate. The best thing the sub can do is adjust expectations accordingly and not just be along for the ride. The Dom-in-training has to mentally prepare in a different way before they get together, which honestly is probably even harder for some people than actually playing.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:35 PM on February 9, 2015 [1 favorite]

Depending on how you both feel (and what's available in your area), another option might be for him to employ the services of a professional. You could stipulate, if you wanted, that no sexual contact / no contact beyond predefined limits would occur. Obviously you'd need to negotiate boundaries ahead of time, but if he isn't dominant either that option might even work for both of you.
posted by Gelatin at 12:38 PM on February 9, 2015

The way I usually think of it is in those counterintuitive ways that the sub is truly in charge of a scene; they present a menu of items from which the dom/me selects, more or less.

So, one way to get yourself into the dom/me headspace--if that's a headspace you actually want to be in!--is to think of yourself as submitting to your partner's desires; it's not about what you want, it's about what he wants. It may be a cliched saying, but it's true: the best bottoms make the best tops.

I'd also suggest that turnabout is absolutely fair play here, and it's perfectly reasonable to request that he switch roles for you, as well.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 12:43 PM on February 9, 2015 [14 favorites]

Develop a new persona for yourself. Have a specific item that you only use when you're being this persona, like a specific hat. When you're wearing the hat, you're Mx Persona, and zie's [x attribute], [y attribute] and [z attribute]. Those attributes just happen to align with what your partner wants.

Spend some time wearing the hat, but do it alone. Get used to the idea of wearing the hat and engaging in the behaviours. For example, your boyfriend wants you to whip him and call him names. Get yourself a whip, an empty room and start cussing at a pillow. It's probably going to feel a little silly, but nobody will ever know, and you'll get some experience of where your boundaries are and where your strengths lie. The more time you spend as Mx Persona, the easier it will be to slip into that mode.

Another potentially useful concept is the idea of the "service top". It sounds like you're being submissive to him and doing what he wants, even though you're the one holding the whip. If you're more concerned with the practical rather than the psychological aspects, engaging in milder forms of play can help you figure things out.

One thing to keep in mind is how much leeway your sub wants you to have in a given scenario. Some subs will have very hard limits around what they want, others will give their Dom/mes more leeway to go off-script. If you're a beginner Dom/me, it's probably best to have the sub give you explicit boundaries and stick to them. You could even make this part of the pre-scene warmup and have him outline to you what he wants and then decide what you're going to give him. Your boundaries matter too.
posted by Solomon at 1:14 PM on February 9, 2015 [3 favorites]

The sub to Dom ratio can't be better than 10:1. There just aren't enough Doms to go around and it is just exhausting to try and play regularly with more than a few. I frequently give young subs the advice of learning to play with other subs. They are waiting for the unattached Dom of their dreams to swoop in and collar them when they could be playing and learning more about who they are and what gets them off.

What are you into as a sub? What is he into as a sub? In that Venn diagram you are both able to play the other side. It is the thing that gets you off, but not the role. You know what elements about that appeals to you. You get to explore your own kinks while indulging his. Everyone wins!

But you have to give yourselves permission to stop a scene. Neither of you have to be a perfect Dom or sub. Any scene that you experience is an opportunity for both of you to explore yourselves, and stopping it is not failure.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:27 PM on February 9, 2015 [2 favorites]

I just do exactly to my partner what I would want him to do to me. Bonus: he usually (consciously or subconsciously) does learn new ways to dominate me how I like it.
posted by amaire at 3:09 PM on February 9, 2015 [1 favorite]