Reference suddenly stopped responding - when to move on?

January 3, 2015 9:07 PM

What to do when a reference suddenly flakes? Just wondering what happened as it is such an awful feeling.

I had asked for a letter of reference for a training program back in November. She had been responsive. Subsequently, I had to ask for her best way to contact her, and she responded again in an e-mail with her mobile number and contact information. Back in mid December I followed up with instructions detailing how to fill out the online reference with a pending deadline for January 1st. December 28th, I follow up to ask if she needs any additional information. She does not respond. Follow up again before the deadline to ask another e-mail. Began to panic inside, and then called and left a voice mail. The 1st deadline was missed, but I there are several other programs with upcoming deadlines in the next few days that I could still submit to. Called again multiple times today and finally left another voice mail. She still hasn't responded. I basically need to hear that it's a dead cause. I can't figure out why she suddenly flaked after being helpful and receptive previously telling me that mid January was busy for her, so she would get it to me by the given deadline. I wouldn't have tried calling multiple times, but since this affects my life - I couldn't give up. Now, I just want any advice on what else to do? or to just move on. Worst feeling ever.

posted by proficiency101 to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I'm sorry you're having a stressful time! You need to move on. You won't know why she's disappeared unless she tells you and it sounds like you probably won't get that satisfaction. It could be anything. Sick, grandma died, personal crisis. The fact that you can't reach her is enough reason to move on. Even if you do get hold of her in the next five minutes, I wouldn't use her as a referee. You want someone you know will say the right things about you but you don't even know if she will answer the phone so don't use her as a reference. I hope you have a couple of other options. I've done a lot of employment screening and in my experience, have found it routine that people use friends/colleagues (ie not always superiors) from previous jobs for references. It's not great but there's not much an employer or organisation can do about it. If they can tick the box, they will be happy so just find someone who sounds good on the phone and will say the right things for you. Good luck.
posted by stellathon at 9:30 PM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

I had a student email me once in a panic in a similar situation: Letter-writer hadn't submitted a reference and wasn't responding. I had to inform said student that my colleague had an accident and was in the hospital.

I sometimes don't respond to these reminder emails (though I've never missed a deadline) because I am keeping them top of my inbox and will respond when I've sent the letter.

There's no way to know why she's not responding. If she responded initially, it's probably not ill will. Regardless, time for Plan B, ASAP.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:38 PM on January 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this under deadlines! Seems weird that she would have been cool with providing a letter just in November, and would suddenly become unresponsive about it. Like others suggested, maybe she is dealing with some kind of emergency (hopefully not!) or given the time of year, maybe on holiday?

Not sure what area you work in, but I come from a biological research background, and I've often had references warn me that they will be in the field with limited internet access during certain dates, and basically unreachable. (I once had one email me that he would be out of the office for weeks "because of climate change.") Could this be your case? Maybe see if you can get another potential reference to help you out on short notice? Good luck!
posted by Drosera at 10:00 PM on January 3, 2015

Best answer: As someone who both writes recommendations and who has had many written for me, I'm very sorry to here about this! Generally, people writing the recommendations have a few extra days built in so perhaps you could ask someone else to do one last minute?

For example, something like: "Dear XYZ, I have a big last-minute request. The person I had asked to write a reference for [attachment or link with program information] back in November is not able to do so after all. It is extremely last minute but might it be possible for you to submit something by [x-date]? I always enjoyed your class but hadn't asked earlier because I wanted to go with a more recent instructor. [no names, of course] If it's possible, I would really appreciate it; if not, I absolutely understand since it's such a big request with little time."

Like others have said, it's probably no ill will on her part and likely an emergency of some sort. As awful as it is for you, I'd try to give this person the benefit of the doubt but also move on to a back-up plan, like asking someone else.

For future reference [please excuse the pun!], I'd offer a way out in the later email, such as "Thanks again for having agreed to write my reference back in November! I am really hoping to get into the xyz program and your words of support would help make this dream come true. If for some reason you will be unable to write one in time, I understand. Please let me know and I can ask someone else."

You could also even write your own recommendation for them to simply sign, which is sometimes the easiest -- if not most ideal -- solution. Good luck!
posted by smorgasbord at 10:46 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]

Yeah, a virtually identical situation just happened to me. You have my deepest sympathies -- I've learned one of the worst feelings is dealing with someone when something really matters to you and they obviously don't care much at all.

In my case it was in fact a family emergency, though my reference came through at the last minute after I reached out through every possible communication channel (including sending a former coworker directly to her office to make my plea in person... not my proudest moment, but it worked).

Definitely work on getting another reference right now, even if you think there's a chance that your original writer will come through. I had some former colleagues who were willing to sign a letter at the last minute as long as I wrote it myself, so don't be afraid to offer that -- it's sadly pretty typical.
posted by telegraph at 5:39 AM on January 4, 2015 [2 favorites]

This happened to me when applying to PhD programs several years ago. Thankfully, my first choice program had the earliest deadline, my letter-writer sent that letter before he vanished, and my application was accepted, so it worked out. But while the situation was unfolding it was an awful anxious feeling, both having my life-plan potentially scuppered and not knowing what possible disaster had caused a previously reliable and supportive professional contact to go totally AWOL.

Smorgasbord's advice is exactly what you need to do. You need to give up on this vanished letter-writer ASAP and approach someone else, using language more or less as smorgasbord suggests. Whoever you approach will almost certainly understand (as evidenced by this thread: these things happen), and will be very prompt in either a.) letting you know that they can't turn around a reference letter that quickly, or b.) quickly writing you that letter you need.

In the meantime, get in touch with the program whose deadline has passed. When my similar situation was unfolding, one of the programs I was applying to agreed to consider my application despite the missing reference letter. Depending on the kind of program, the people running it, your other strengths as an applicant, the number of references required (asked for 3 letters and got 2 = not such a big deal, maybe) etc., maybe the same favour will be granted to you.

Good luck!
posted by erlking at 5:39 AM on January 4, 2015

Husbunny and I wanted to submit a contract on a house in Nashville. We called the realtor and asked for the paperwork to be forwarded. Nothing came, we called, emailed, etc.

Then we got caught up in selling our house, putting our shit in storage, arranging for temporary housing until the house was built. We called again and the people we spoke to were so relieved. Turns out the lady we were dealing with had died suddenly and they didn't know how to get in touch with us.

So there may be a valid reason, or not, but either way, get other references and never wait until the last minute for things like this.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:25 AM on January 4, 2015