Can this 'bond' turn into a relationship?
January 3, 2015 6:59 PM   Subscribe

I fell for a girl...we keep a really nice and friendly connection going on between us, but nothing more happens. She knows how I feel but keeps rejecting me. She have her reasons to do so though.

As I now know - there happens to be those wery rare situations where you feel that wierd connection with some people around you even if you dont know them. Only heard about it before...but it feels wonderful. And when you feel it, you just know - you're doing the right thing.

I asked her out pretty spontaneously - the answer was - why not. :)

We initially started to talk on daily basis, she said she noticed me even before we talked.... cause I was saying hi to her time by time and intentionally and probably unintentionally doing various small "nice stupid" things for her to notice my attention.

Than the situation started to become more complicated .... pretty painful to tell the truth, but worth every moment.

We didnt went for that date we agreed to go... We were both pretty busy at that time. But we kept communicating, chatting telling/asking each other things about each other.

As winter holiday was coming and I didnt had her number, I asked for it so that I could call her and ask her out. She rejected to give it to me ... but our nice conversations continued.

Than she told me there was some hard relationship she was recently in, which she felt terrible about. I dont know it in details and its not a right thing to ask something about it anyway. As I understand it has just ended from her side.

Well at that time she knew about my feelings to her... It was not something she was unaware before as well.

Holidays started and I couldn't meet her any more.... I felt terrible. Than one day I got message from an unknown number saying hi ... I was standing outside in rain in a crowded place and never have felt more happy .... smiling all over my face.

We went out on a beautiful date (?) we both liked. Nothing more happened as I understood that she had a hard time and I didn't want to ruin anything.

We kept in touch, talking over phone, e-mails - communication initiaded by both of us - sometimes me, sometimes her. Chatting for hours and hours and having a great time ... every single day.

Though, at any time I try to complement her, try to mention some more romantic things, tease her, she either gets silent or turns the discussion somewhere else. Nothing at all. No signs of interest in me as a man. Still she initiates a lot of communication between us.

There is some kind of bond established in between us two. I feel it. And It is very, very important for me. You can like somebody, be in various relationships, but this is kind of special to me. This connection initially came from somewhere above me. And because of the value of this bond, because of how I feel, I do not want to loose it.

I dont understand - am I becoming only a friend.... How long will this continue.... And where will it lead us? Well, lt can continue as long as it needs to....if this story can have a happy ending. I enjoy her company and every small thing about her a lot, but I'm afraid that I can loose her over some time if it continues like it is? Or maybe not? Maybe time is what is needed there, but I'm afraid of that silence, rejection. Well, to my understanding this is not a friendzone and she knows how I feel as well. If it gets on for a long time It will hurt a lot though. It hurts a lot already now. Am I beeing selfish? Is there even a chance? I dont know what to do...when you like somebody so much, you get him close to you, but at the same time so far from you...
posted by Nightrunner to Human Relations (21 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
It sounds like you need to get clear on what you can deal with, and then have an honest conversation with her.

First, if she's not interested in a romantic relationship, do you want to be her friend? If not, be honest with yourself and her about that.

Either way, have a conversation where you say something like: "Hey, just in case it hasn't been obvious, I really like you and I'd love to go on a date. It's totally cool if you're not ready for a relationship or if you're just not interested, but I had to ask."

Then LISTEN to what she says and act accordingly.
If she says friendship is all she's up for, believe her. Either decide to be a true friend with no ulterior romantic motives, or just let her go entirely. Sure, it sucks, but believe me: almost everyone has been through rejection and romantic heartbreak, and while it is really painful in the moment, you can and will get over her.
Or, if she's up for dating, hooray! Proceed accordingly and take it slow given her history.

What NOT to do is continue with this weird ambiguous situation that is leaving you hurt. And, STOP with the romanticizing and fantasizing. It sounds a lot like you're building up this incredibly detailed romantic fiction about this woman in your head that has zero basis in reality. Reality being her feelings and her actions. I'm sorry to be harsh, but if she's not feeling it, your bond is not actually written in the stars and it's not appropriate to obsess about her. Bring this out of fantasy land and into reality by being honest about your feelings, really listening to what she has to say, and then respecting her boundaries.
posted by rainbowbrite at 7:07 PM on January 3, 2015 [10 favorites]


Your feeling a spark or connection does not mean that she does.

It sounds to me like she has consistently indicated she does not want a romantic relationship with you, but it's certainly worth asking again -- once. Pretending to be her friend when you actually want to be her boyfriend is not very honest, though, so don't do that if she says that she does not want to date you.
posted by jaguar at 7:10 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: Well she said that we should wait now (not in the exact words) and and she clearly knows what what cards are there on the table.
posted by Nightrunner at 7:32 PM on January 3, 2015


She does not want a relationship with you. It sounds like she has made that clear. She may be having some trouble articulating it because she is not perfect and it can be hard to straight up reject someone, especially someone you like as a person. She will never want a relationship with you. Just because she likes you as a friend and initiates contact with you doesn't mean she wants a relationship with you and doesn't obligate her to want a relationship with you. If you are only being friends with her because you want a relationship with her then you need to stop it, because that is not respectful to her at all. If you can only continue this with her if it might "go somewhere" then that is not an appropriate reason to be friends. She knows how you feel, if she felt the same way she would have acted on it. She doesn't. Move on.
posted by brainmouse at 7:34 PM on January 3, 2015 [15 favorites]


She is not interested in you romantically. Or, if she is, she is so ambivalent about it that she is really not a person you want to date. Why is she still talking to you? Who knows. But let me put any fantasy you have about this turning around to bed: it will not happen. Move on. Stop responding to her.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:35 PM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


Just because she enjoys your company does not mean she is now or will ever be interested in you romantically. Just because she is a woman with whom you have a bond does not mean she has to be a romantic pursuit of yours. People of all sexes can have very close bonds with each other, but just because you are each others' preferred gender of partner, doesn't mean you are meant for each other. Obviously she likes you as a friend but she's made it clear she's not interested in you romantically, so accept that and move on.
posted by greta simone at 7:36 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


No, I'm sorry but she isn't interested.
The fact that she called you shows that if she is interested in a romantic relationship she has the ability to make that clear to you.
Instead, she is making clear to you that she isn't interested.
It doesn't even matter what the reason is--she just isn't.

Your decision at this point is whether you'd like to continue this friendship.
That's the only question that is currently on the table.
posted by calgirl at 7:43 PM on January 3, 2015 [7 favorites]


Response by poster: She still might be/is emotionally in that other relationship as well
posted by Nightrunner at 7:50 PM on January 3, 2015


It sounds like she's leaning on you emotionally but is not interested at all romantically. In other words, she's using you, and it's not fair given that she knows you have feelings for her that she isn't reciprocating. I think she's throwing you little bones here and there like giving you the phone number and going on a single "date" that sounds platonic so that you continue giving her whatever emotional connection she's looking for. She's getting her ego stroked by keeping you around, and you're getting hurt. I really think you should try hard to disengage with her, although from the sound of things, you're going to wait until she straight up breaks your heart. I'm sorry. What she's doing isn't nice.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:00 PM on January 3, 2015 [3 favorites]


She likes you and she likes hanging out with you as a friend, but she does not want to date you. She does not need a reason to not want this, and she certainly doesn't owe you an explanation. Respect that she feels this way, and either let go of the idea of a romantic relationship with her and be friends, or (more likely) admit that you don't want to be friends, you want to be dating, and cut her loose.

Pretending you're friends with someone you only hang around with because you're hoping they'll see the light and fall in love with you is a) being a really creepy, crappy friend, actually, b) a terrible strategy that doesn't work, and c) will actively prevent you from finding someone who DOES want to date you.

Stop. Just stop. She doesn't owe you anything, she's not into you, end of sentence.
posted by Andrhia at 8:01 PM on January 3, 2015 [11 favorites]


Let me tell it to you straight.

The exceptional lack of transparency on her part (another relationship, not giving her phone number, disappearing from time to time) tells me she IS in another relationship. That relationship does not fulfill all of her needs, so she is using you to make up the shortfall. She is using you. She initiates the contact because you give freely, without expectation.

She is using you because the loser she is dating (who she is likely immensely hung up on) is withholding all of the cool emotional stuff you are giving her.

I'm so very sorry. You will never ever ever win her heart. She is using you. Deep down, she has zero respect. Without respect, she can not fall in love with you.

If it is any consolation - she sounds very immature and she's going to learn a tough lesson. You can not save her. Please, do not try.

I'm worried she's been lying to you about stuff. What can I say to convince you this person is not who you think? She's being very unfair to you. If you can really internalize what I am saying, it should cure you. She's not being nice to you, and that will become a supreme turn-off for you when you finally "get it."

I'm sorry you're going to have a broken heart. I hope you can break free from this person and find someone who is genuine and won't use you. My very best to you. I've been in your shoes. You're a good person. I'm sorry.
posted by jbenben at 8:38 PM on January 3, 2015 [5 favorites]


She knows how I feel but keeps rejecting me

and

No signs of interest in me as a man.

She is not interested in you. Continually changing the subject when you make romantic overtures is the subtle way of saying "Stop that."

This sucks, I understand. It feels awful. Your best bet is to say to her "I'm sorry, but you know how I feel about you, and it hurts that you don't feel the same way, so I don't think we can be in contact anymore. I wish you all the best. Take care."

Then you delete her phone number, you delete her email address, you unfriend/unfollow and block her on all social media. This isn't punishment for her, this is for you: remove the ability to check up on her, to keep tormenting yourself with something that is never going to be.

You feel a bond. She doesn't. Unfortunately, it hurts and it's terrible and it's unfair, but that is just how life works. You will get over this, but you really need to cut off all contact and wipe her out of your life. In time you will be able to think of her fondly, without either the need or the pain.

am I becoming only a friend

You have been 'only' a friend the whole time. She went on a date with you, she didn't feel it.

How long will this continue

Forever, probably.

And where will it lead us?

First, there is no 'us' here. Second, it won't lead anywhere except heartache for you.

I am truly sorry you are feeling this way. I know how much it hurts.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 8:52 PM on January 3, 2015 [8 favorites]


Though, at any time I try to complement her, try to mention some more romantic things, tease her, she either gets silent or turns the discussion somewhere else.

This means she's not interested, and not going to be interested.

The bond you are certain is between you is real... for you. She enjoys being friendly with you, but that's it. I know the bond you speak of, I know it seems impossible that she isn't feeling it, but trust me - it's more than possible.

Stop hanging out with her. Find women you like as friends and be friends with them. Find women you want to date and date them.

It sucks to be where you are, I know. But I promise you it will get better. Just .. not with her.
posted by bunderful at 9:26 PM on January 3, 2015 [2 favorites]


What culture is she part of? Often this stuff is very, very cultural. Sometimes women are culturally programmed not to give direct nos. Also, was this date you went on explicitly listed as romantic?
posted by corb at 1:43 AM on January 4, 2015


Not just sometimes, but MOST of the time women are discouraged from giving direct no's, no matter WHAT culture we're raised in.

She is not interested, and has just been trying to be nice about telling you that and is trying to let you down easy, and is hoping you will take that hint. I'm sorry.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:53 AM on January 4, 2015 [6 favorites]


She just isn't that into you. Sorry, but you're not going to get romantic with this lady.
posted by J. Wilson at 7:01 AM on January 4, 2015


It sounds like because YOU'RE infatuated with her, that she MUST in turn love you. It's fate! That is bullshit.

She's using you, so she's not a very nice person. She clearly doesn't feel the way that you do, but she's feeding you crumbs of affection hoping you'll stay in the picture while she sorts out her other relationship, or until something better comes along. Again, not very nice.

You communicate, you go on dates. At some point you decide to continue dating or you stop talking to each other. She has told you explicitly that she doesn't want to date you, now or ever. Believe her. She's not lying to you.

Go no contact. Mourn the loss of your infatuation and crush.

In the future if a woman tells you she's not interested in you, believe her.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:34 AM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


If we're being charitable she's hurting you without being aware of it. But she's still hurting you. Best case she's thinking she's been clear that she's not actually interested since she never reciprocates. That's best case though and require some level of naivete on her part. The truth is likely she's somewhat aware she's hurting you, but lacks the maturity and strength of character to stop being your friend because of it, perhaps feeling the onus is on you to end things if you can't handle it.

Given how you feel, as long as you're still communicating with her you'll never be happy. You'll need to develop your own maturity and strength of character to stop being her friend. You need to realize the love-sick mind will bend and twist any scrap of "evidence" as proof that you should keep waiting and trying and hoping she will finally become your girlfriend. The people here have been where you are and we speak from experience: she is uninterested in you romantically and that's not going to change. Every bit of evidence you think you have that she feels otherwise doesn't hold up in court.

I had a friend who I was interested in and even when she got a boyfriend and invited me out to dinner with her boyfriend I still thought I had a chance if I was just patient enough to wait for him to be out of the picture. At the time it didn't seem so crazy as it does now, because the love-sick mind doesn't really care about reality. I lacked the maturity to realize this and the strength of character to end things. Hopefully you'll learn faster than I did. If I may offer you a script on how to end it, it would be this:

I wanted this to be a romantic relationship between the two of us. I've come to realize that as much as I want otherwise, you won't ever want the same thing. As long as we feel differently about each other I've come to the conclusion that I can't continue being your friend. I ask that you respect my wishes and please refrain from contacting me. I'm sorry things had to be this way and I hope you'll understand my need to protect myself from further heartbreak. Goodbye.
posted by Green With You at 10:36 AM on January 4, 2015 [5 favorites]


She's not interested. You want it to not be true, so you're moving all the puzzle pieces around, convinced that at any minute now you'll figure how they all go together, and she will fall for you. Maybe someday that might happen, although that's unlikely, but it's not going to happen because you're hoping for it, not even if were everyone on Metafilter to agree she likes you "that way".
posted by IAmBroom at 12:22 PM on January 4, 2015


In these kinds of situations, it's best to assume that anything other than a "fuck yes" is a no. Not only will it save you a lot of mental/emotional turmoil, but it's almost always true. Women are socialized to make other people (especially men) feel good - please don't make it seem like it's her fault for not being completely blunt with you. Would it be cooler of her if she flat-out told you she's not interested? Sure. It would also be cooler of you to understand that your feelings do not obligate her to do anything, including give you an explanation. She has told you she's not interested; you're just choosing not to listen.
posted by amandi at 3:12 PM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


Am I beeing selfish?

No.

But it doesn't matter and she's not into you. She will not become into you. Find someone else and stop interacting with her because you will be an orbiter looking for an opportunity and that's a crappy way to be.

You don't owe her friendship any more than she owes you a relationship. She opted out, you can too. Move on.
posted by rr at 6:13 PM on January 4, 2015 [3 favorites]


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