Oops, I did it again :(
October 28, 2014 5:40 AM Subscribe
How can I forgive myself for exercising such poor judgment?
About a month ago I broke up with, and kicked out of my house, my boyfriend of 4 months after he lied to me about "not" drinking half a bottle of vodka. Since then, I've realized that there were so many problems and that moving in with him in such a hurry based on feelings and conversations (we met interstate and he moved in with me a few days later so we could date in my city) was stupid. He owes me a thousand dollars or so and I'm still getting bills in that he won't be able to pay as he never seems to have stable employment (apparently he lost his job the day after we broke up). It was dumb that I offered to cover things for him assuming he'd be able to pay me back "soon" because I didn't want him to have to sell all his favorite records. It was dumb that I tried to pay two people's rent and bills by myself, thinking that he'd pitch in "soon", once he was making more money at work etc.
Yesterday he emailed me and asked if I had moved on, and I said yes (I'm dating someone else, but told him no details at all). He reacted really badly and has been sending me lots of really nasty emails since and has told me he is going to be attending a small event I am performing at. He is a bigger part of that scene than I am as he's been involved for 15 years (I've only been around for one) and the idea of everyone hearing from him what a "scumbag" I am makes me feel a bit sick. I have a few friends coming for support. One of the people I perform with is his good friend (they have a band together too) and thinks I was being unreasonable for breaking up with him. His friends don't know that he owes me a this money. They also have substance abuse issues.
Previously I felt proud of myseld for not sticking aroind, but now I feel like I've gotten myself into this yuck situation and I just feel embarrassed. This is not the first relationship like this I've been in - in fact I have only had one healthy relationship in my life - and even though I caught it early it makes me despair that I am STILL making crappy choices. The new guy I am dating is not my usual type at all, and I'm hoping that will be helpful, but it seems weird to feel confident going AGAINST my gut. Part of me feels like I should just never date again because I just choose manipulative partners every time.
How can I forgive myself for making this mistake and feel confident that I should keep trying? (Not in therapy at the moment but was for years. I can see the patterns and why I do what I do)
About a month ago I broke up with, and kicked out of my house, my boyfriend of 4 months after he lied to me about "not" drinking half a bottle of vodka. Since then, I've realized that there were so many problems and that moving in with him in such a hurry based on feelings and conversations (we met interstate and he moved in with me a few days later so we could date in my city) was stupid. He owes me a thousand dollars or so and I'm still getting bills in that he won't be able to pay as he never seems to have stable employment (apparently he lost his job the day after we broke up). It was dumb that I offered to cover things for him assuming he'd be able to pay me back "soon" because I didn't want him to have to sell all his favorite records. It was dumb that I tried to pay two people's rent and bills by myself, thinking that he'd pitch in "soon", once he was making more money at work etc.
Yesterday he emailed me and asked if I had moved on, and I said yes (I'm dating someone else, but told him no details at all). He reacted really badly and has been sending me lots of really nasty emails since and has told me he is going to be attending a small event I am performing at. He is a bigger part of that scene than I am as he's been involved for 15 years (I've only been around for one) and the idea of everyone hearing from him what a "scumbag" I am makes me feel a bit sick. I have a few friends coming for support. One of the people I perform with is his good friend (they have a band together too) and thinks I was being unreasonable for breaking up with him. His friends don't know that he owes me a this money. They also have substance abuse issues.
Previously I felt proud of myseld for not sticking aroind, but now I feel like I've gotten myself into this yuck situation and I just feel embarrassed. This is not the first relationship like this I've been in - in fact I have only had one healthy relationship in my life - and even though I caught it early it makes me despair that I am STILL making crappy choices. The new guy I am dating is not my usual type at all, and I'm hoping that will be helpful, but it seems weird to feel confident going AGAINST my gut. Part of me feels like I should just never date again because I just choose manipulative partners every time.
How can I forgive myself for making this mistake and feel confident that I should keep trying? (Not in therapy at the moment but was for years. I can see the patterns and why I do what I do)
Well you could stop beating yourself up now that you've started to make the RIGHT decisions.
His friends, who apparently have bad judgement, might think badly of you but there's nothing you can do about that. They probably do know he owes you money because he probably treats everyone the way he's treated you. I also suggest writing off the money he owes you as it's just prolonging the connection.
Distance your performing life from your personal life. For now, this means letting your coworker have his opinion; longer term it might mean finding other people to perform with.
posted by tel3path at 5:55 AM on October 28, 2014 [9 favorites]
His friends, who apparently have bad judgement, might think badly of you but there's nothing you can do about that. They probably do know he owes you money because he probably treats everyone the way he's treated you. I also suggest writing off the money he owes you as it's just prolonging the connection.
Distance your performing life from your personal life. For now, this means letting your coworker have his opinion; longer term it might mean finding other people to perform with.
posted by tel3path at 5:55 AM on October 28, 2014 [9 favorites]
The thing that stood out for me is that you're already dating someone new.
While getting to know someone is great, you need to find out how you enjoy living on your own, before you can see if someone will fit well into your life. If you don't know when you like to go to bed, or what shows you want to watch on TV, or what you're eating for dinner, but instead are filtering all of that while considering someone else's preferences...you'll never find yourself, let alone a great match for you.
Frankly, I'd stop dating for now. Tell this new dude that you're fresh out of a bad scene and that the timing is shitty. Then spend some time evaluating your life. Think about the things you want, and what you're doing to accomplish them. Travel, create, learn, do. Keep men off the table for now. Date yourself.
Once you get some experiences under your belt, once you learn what makes you happy, you'll be in a MUCH better position to select someone to accompany you on life's journey. If you're just picking up hitchhikers...you'll continue to find yourself in these situations.
As for today, what other people think of you isn't any of your business. Why do you care if a bunch of guys who aren't fit to polish your boots, think you're a shit heel? Say to yourself, "I'm here for the performance and nothing else."
Leave after, and rise above any petty nonsense. If anyone asks you about your relationship simply say, "It's none of your business." Because that's the truth.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
While getting to know someone is great, you need to find out how you enjoy living on your own, before you can see if someone will fit well into your life. If you don't know when you like to go to bed, or what shows you want to watch on TV, or what you're eating for dinner, but instead are filtering all of that while considering someone else's preferences...you'll never find yourself, let alone a great match for you.
Frankly, I'd stop dating for now. Tell this new dude that you're fresh out of a bad scene and that the timing is shitty. Then spend some time evaluating your life. Think about the things you want, and what you're doing to accomplish them. Travel, create, learn, do. Keep men off the table for now. Date yourself.
Once you get some experiences under your belt, once you learn what makes you happy, you'll be in a MUCH better position to select someone to accompany you on life's journey. If you're just picking up hitchhikers...you'll continue to find yourself in these situations.
As for today, what other people think of you isn't any of your business. Why do you care if a bunch of guys who aren't fit to polish your boots, think you're a shit heel? Say to yourself, "I'm here for the performance and nothing else."
Leave after, and rise above any petty nonsense. If anyone asks you about your relationship simply say, "It's none of your business." Because that's the truth.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:59 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: To clarify: my last two relationships (plus new dating guy) happened in quick succession. Prior to that I was single for 4.5 years)
posted by Chrysalis at 6:02 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by Chrysalis at 6:02 AM on October 28, 2014
Congratulations for dumping this guy. You cannot control what he or others say about you in this situation or any other. Do you think you are feeling fearful about him saying negative things about you because in some manner you agree with him? Stop those thoughts by stepping back and looking at what is going on in more of a detached manner. What if this were a friend going through this experience, what would you say to them? You are so above him or anyone who listens to him, so hold on tight and let yourself be free of this dick by not responding to him ever again. I have a good feeling that you will learn how resilient you are in this situation.
posted by waving at 6:24 AM on October 28, 2014
posted by waving at 6:24 AM on October 28, 2014
you can't tell about a person right away. so you bailed quick and that's the best you can really expect.
I'd chalk this up as a win.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:31 AM on October 28, 2014 [13 favorites]
I'd chalk this up as a win.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:31 AM on October 28, 2014 [13 favorites]
I remember your previous question re: the lies, alcohol and money. I commend you for ending the relationship and trying to move on. It sounds like you are actively trying to make your life better. But are you sure that starting to date someone new already is the best decision? I realise that you were single for a long time before your previous partner, but that doesn't mean that you're in the right place yet. It might be best to let everything settle down for a while before you even think about dating again.
Also, is it possible that the scene you're involved in is not the best fit for you? I personally wouldn't want to surround myself with multiple individuals with substance abuse issues. (Unless I also had those issues and was in an AA/NA program or something!) Performing at an event is supposed to be fun and empowering, not a major source of stress. I saw in a previous question that you're a singer. Can you try to find a different, more sober, scene to perform in?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Also, is it possible that the scene you're involved in is not the best fit for you? I personally wouldn't want to surround myself with multiple individuals with substance abuse issues. (Unless I also had those issues and was in an AA/NA program or something!) Performing at an event is supposed to be fun and empowering, not a major source of stress. I saw in a previous question that you're a singer. Can you try to find a different, more sober, scene to perform in?
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:32 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
It is important to realize that EVERYYONE fails at EVERY relationship they are in in some way right up until they don't.
Short term relationships, early in life, are really just long-form dating.
I tend to think people have not really met 'the one' until they have been together for 10+ years but I'm an old so you probably can't actually hear this until you are too.
posted by srboisvert at 6:33 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Short term relationships, early in life, are really just long-form dating.
I tend to think people have not really met 'the one' until they have been together for 10+ years but I'm an old so you probably can't actually hear this until you are too.
posted by srboisvert at 6:33 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
we met interstate and he moved in with me a few days later so we could date in my city'
has been sending me lots of really nasty emails since and has told me he is going to be attending a small event I am performing at. He is a bigger part of that scene than I am as he's been involved for 15 years (I've only been around for one)
Can you clarify this part? How does this guy who didn't even live in your city until 4 months ago have such social power in your town?
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
has been sending me lots of really nasty emails since and has told me he is going to be attending a small event I am performing at. He is a bigger part of that scene than I am as he's been involved for 15 years (I've only been around for one)
Can you clarify this part? How does this guy who didn't even live in your city until 4 months ago have such social power in your town?
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:38 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
ps. when I broke up with my dropkick ex, he threatened to destroy my reputation. It was all bark, no bite. While there is a possibility that your ex will actually try to trash talk you, it's also very possible that he's just lashing out because he doesn't know how to process/express his feelings. Even if he does say things about you, it doesn't mean that people will believe him. If they believe him, you're probably better off without them anyway. Please just make sure that you're physically safe and that you are working through your feelings. Be kind to yourself. You did an amazing thing recognising your ex's issues so quickly and removing him from your life. I stuck around with my ex for almost two years!
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:39 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
You don't know what you don't know until you know it. You did the best you could with the information and knowledge you had at the time, and that's all anyone can really do.
posted by jaguar at 7:06 AM on October 28, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by jaguar at 7:06 AM on October 28, 2014 [7 favorites]
Honestly, I'm not sure that you have anything to forgive yourself for.
Sure, maybe you fell into that relationship kinda fast but that happens sometimes -- it's not your fault that this guy turned into a scumbag.
Let's focus on things going forward. It seems like you have a few distinct issues: Money, mutual friends, and performances.
Moneywise, first and foremost, do whatever you can to stop this debt from accumulating. Can you get a roommate? Can you cancel cable? Were you paying bills for him (like a cell phone) that you can cancel? Secondly, I know it may not seem like it but in the grand scheme of things, $1,000 is not that much money -- of course, this is dependent on your financial situation. What would happen if you mentally wrote off this debt and stopped trying to collect it? Because your life would be so much better if it was something that you didn't have to worry about anymore. If you can't just write it up, document clearly what it is he owes you and why, and communicate that to him in writing (try to avoid talking to him in person about anything). Threaten small claims court if you want.
Mutual friends -- sigh, one of the downsides in a breakup is that often, the friends get divided. It sucks. And what sucks most about it is that you don't get to decide which side any particular friend winds up on. Just be the bigger person, don't trashtalk scumbag to his friends, don't get into details of your breakup (except to counter untruths that scumbag is spreading). The people who you would actually want to be friends with will choose wisely.
Performances -- This might be the worst part, but also the best for you. It is completely unreasonable for scumbag to use his presence at your events as a threat against you. Based on how your "scene" works, maybe it's not reasonable for him to not attend at all, but it's also incumbent on him to act like a grownup in situations where you are forced together. If he starts trash talking you to everyone, while you at the same time treat him respectfully (more than he deserves, but still), people will notice, and they will notice that he's the one in the wrong. He'll only manage to make himself look worse and you look better if he pulls shenanigans.
TL;DR: The best forgiveness is living well, seriously... move on and be awesome!
posted by sparklemotion at 7:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sure, maybe you fell into that relationship kinda fast but that happens sometimes -- it's not your fault that this guy turned into a scumbag.
Let's focus on things going forward. It seems like you have a few distinct issues: Money, mutual friends, and performances.
Moneywise, first and foremost, do whatever you can to stop this debt from accumulating. Can you get a roommate? Can you cancel cable? Were you paying bills for him (like a cell phone) that you can cancel? Secondly, I know it may not seem like it but in the grand scheme of things, $1,000 is not that much money -- of course, this is dependent on your financial situation. What would happen if you mentally wrote off this debt and stopped trying to collect it? Because your life would be so much better if it was something that you didn't have to worry about anymore. If you can't just write it up, document clearly what it is he owes you and why, and communicate that to him in writing (try to avoid talking to him in person about anything). Threaten small claims court if you want.
Mutual friends -- sigh, one of the downsides in a breakup is that often, the friends get divided. It sucks. And what sucks most about it is that you don't get to decide which side any particular friend winds up on. Just be the bigger person, don't trashtalk scumbag to his friends, don't get into details of your breakup (except to counter untruths that scumbag is spreading). The people who you would actually want to be friends with will choose wisely.
Performances -- This might be the worst part, but also the best for you. It is completely unreasonable for scumbag to use his presence at your events as a threat against you. Based on how your "scene" works, maybe it's not reasonable for him to not attend at all, but it's also incumbent on him to act like a grownup in situations where you are forced together. If he starts trash talking you to everyone, while you at the same time treat him respectfully (more than he deserves, but still), people will notice, and they will notice that he's the one in the wrong. He'll only manage to make himself look worse and you look better if he pulls shenanigans.
TL;DR: The best forgiveness is living well, seriously... move on and be awesome!
posted by sparklemotion at 7:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
And also, it's possible that if this dude is that unreasonable, it's no secret to most people. Even his closest friends. An ex made similar threats ("I'm going to tell everyone what a s@#$ you've been") and I was pretty upset. But after some time passed, I saw the mutual friends and they assured me that they didn't take the bait--and were basically like, "Oh no, seriously? We love him, but he's crazy unstable. He's full of it. You did the right thing."
And if this guy is universally regarded in his scene as a reasonable and good person? That whole scene is crazy and you'd probably be better off surrounded by a healthier group. Especially with regard to the substance thing.
posted by magdalemon at 7:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
And if this guy is universally regarded in his scene as a reasonable and good person? That whole scene is crazy and you'd probably be better off surrounded by a healthier group. Especially with regard to the substance thing.
posted by magdalemon at 7:14 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
The good news is, you dumped this jerk. You recognized how much of a user and a loser he really is, and you got out of the relationship toot suite. Congrats, that was a very mature --- if difficult --- decision. Now comes the hard part: sticking to that good decision, even with the jerk basically trying to emotionally blackmail you into taking him back so he can continue to sponge off of you.
I assure you, you have nothing, not one tiny little bitty iota of a reason to feel guilty. Think about it this way: does the opinion of a known liar & substance abuser matter? No, it does not. Does the opinion of his buddies that you were wrong to dump him matter? Again, a resounding No. (If they feel so strongly about it, then they can date him, they can pay his bills and support his lazy ass.) You dumped him because of his behavior; and since then, he's only proven how very, very right you were.
As for the money: I'm sorry, but the thousand dollars he owes you is a lost cause. Stop paying any other bills for him, and count yourself lucky to have wasted only four months instead of four years. Cut him out of your life entirely: don't accept, and especially don't reply to, any more emails, phone calls, texts or anything else. Defriend him on facebook, etc. Change any of your passwords he might have. (And if he still has a key to your door, change your locks!)
posted by easily confused at 7:27 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
I assure you, you have nothing, not one tiny little bitty iota of a reason to feel guilty. Think about it this way: does the opinion of a known liar & substance abuser matter? No, it does not. Does the opinion of his buddies that you were wrong to dump him matter? Again, a resounding No. (If they feel so strongly about it, then they can date him, they can pay his bills and support his lazy ass.) You dumped him because of his behavior; and since then, he's only proven how very, very right you were.
As for the money: I'm sorry, but the thousand dollars he owes you is a lost cause. Stop paying any other bills for him, and count yourself lucky to have wasted only four months instead of four years. Cut him out of your life entirely: don't accept, and especially don't reply to, any more emails, phone calls, texts or anything else. Defriend him on facebook, etc. Change any of your passwords he might have. (And if he still has a key to your door, change your locks!)
posted by easily confused at 7:27 AM on October 28, 2014 [4 favorites]
Hey, you see your patterns! Do you know how long that takes some people? Forever. Literally. Some people keep doing the same unhappy thing ad infitum and wonder why their lives are so "full of drama" and why "everyone" around them is "so crazy" and why they never feel happy. They say things like "until I moved here I never met people that were this crazy, I don't know what it is" without recognizing that they have no one left from their past that isn't boundary-less still in their lives. They can't recognize their patterns and keep making the same mistakes.
I know because I've done this. Everyone has to an extent. Some more than others. I have a few really crummy relationships under my belt. Until my current boyfriend I'd never dated a man that wasn't abusive or an alcoholic. Seriously. Took me 31 years to recognize it. I've also never had friends that didn't grossly step over my boundaries until very recently, again because I didn't see the pattern.
And I was wondering aloud recently to my therapist: what is it about me and these user types? Why do I attract them and why do I humor them and let them use me?
And she said: look, it's a pattern. And patterns are comfortable. And you're used to it. A relationship - friendship or romantic - in some ways doesn't feel "good" to me unless it's codependent. Because that's what I am used to. So I'm working hard as hell to build new patterns and it takes time and it's hard. I've cut out all of my codependent friends and am a bit lonely as a result even though I have scores of people to do stuff with and a schedule packed to the gills. Because I miss that codependency because I'm used to it. But I am working on building a new pattern. One where I go SLOW with people and get to know them slowly over time. I space out meetings with people, friends and my boyfriend. I am learning to evaluate. And it's hard!
I just cut out another friend, someone I've known for almost 15 years, because she's codependent and doesn't respect me. She calls at six am on the weekend with crises and yells at me if I don't agree with her and never asks me how I am. And I was clinging to the idea of our friendship for awhile but then I realized I felt used. So I told her nicely what my boundaries are: don't wake me up on weekends, don't yell if you disagree with me - and she didn't respect it. And it hurt but I let her go.
Part of your new life is going to include cutting out the old people you collected that break your boundaries. This includes not talking to your ex. No contact. Not his business if you're dating. Stop replying.
Boundary breakers are leeches that will suck everything out of you and leave you bloodless and empty.
These friends you have who are addicts? They don't sound like friends with your best interests at heart. They may need to be distanced from as well.
Have you tried Al-Anon? It's made for people like you and me. It's really good for boundaries.
The book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie is also EXCELLENT.
Finally: no beating yourself up. Be nice to yourself. You're changing. Change takes time. You deserve to feel PRIDE at recognizing this pattern and taking charge. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 7:32 AM on October 28, 2014 [17 favorites]
I know because I've done this. Everyone has to an extent. Some more than others. I have a few really crummy relationships under my belt. Until my current boyfriend I'd never dated a man that wasn't abusive or an alcoholic. Seriously. Took me 31 years to recognize it. I've also never had friends that didn't grossly step over my boundaries until very recently, again because I didn't see the pattern.
And I was wondering aloud recently to my therapist: what is it about me and these user types? Why do I attract them and why do I humor them and let them use me?
And she said: look, it's a pattern. And patterns are comfortable. And you're used to it. A relationship - friendship or romantic - in some ways doesn't feel "good" to me unless it's codependent. Because that's what I am used to. So I'm working hard as hell to build new patterns and it takes time and it's hard. I've cut out all of my codependent friends and am a bit lonely as a result even though I have scores of people to do stuff with and a schedule packed to the gills. Because I miss that codependency because I'm used to it. But I am working on building a new pattern. One where I go SLOW with people and get to know them slowly over time. I space out meetings with people, friends and my boyfriend. I am learning to evaluate. And it's hard!
I just cut out another friend, someone I've known for almost 15 years, because she's codependent and doesn't respect me. She calls at six am on the weekend with crises and yells at me if I don't agree with her and never asks me how I am. And I was clinging to the idea of our friendship for awhile but then I realized I felt used. So I told her nicely what my boundaries are: don't wake me up on weekends, don't yell if you disagree with me - and she didn't respect it. And it hurt but I let her go.
Part of your new life is going to include cutting out the old people you collected that break your boundaries. This includes not talking to your ex. No contact. Not his business if you're dating. Stop replying.
Boundary breakers are leeches that will suck everything out of you and leave you bloodless and empty.
These friends you have who are addicts? They don't sound like friends with your best interests at heart. They may need to be distanced from as well.
Have you tried Al-Anon? It's made for people like you and me. It's really good for boundaries.
The book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie is also EXCELLENT.
Finally: no beating yourself up. Be nice to yourself. You're changing. Change takes time. You deserve to feel PRIDE at recognizing this pattern and taking charge. Take care.
posted by sockermom at 7:32 AM on October 28, 2014 [17 favorites]
Think of it like this:
It's not so much that his friends see him as a stand-up guy and see you as a terrible person. It's more that they see him as a terrible person and they themselves are terrible people. By breaking up with him, you've called their habits, drinking, and general terribleness into question. You've shattered their confidence that they can be successful in having great girlfriends while being terrible people.
Stop hanging out with Terrible People.
But do go to your performance.
Are you sure his best friend thinks you were wrong to dump him? Has he told you that directly? I mean, he probably, out of obligation, told your Ex that you shouldn't have dumped him, but that was probably just to get your Ex to stop whining and belly aching and shut up already.
If he or any of the friends says anything to you directly, you can respond with "hey - tell your buddy to stop sending me nasty, hateful emails and to pay me the money he owes me. Until you've loaned him money and fucked him, I'm not really interested in your opinion about him." Or you can say "I'm sure he's a great friend, but he was a terrible boyfriend and he's a pain in the ass as an Ex."
posted by vitabellosi at 7:44 AM on October 28, 2014 [7 favorites]
It's not so much that his friends see him as a stand-up guy and see you as a terrible person. It's more that they see him as a terrible person and they themselves are terrible people. By breaking up with him, you've called their habits, drinking, and general terribleness into question. You've shattered their confidence that they can be successful in having great girlfriends while being terrible people.
Stop hanging out with Terrible People.
But do go to your performance.
Are you sure his best friend thinks you were wrong to dump him? Has he told you that directly? I mean, he probably, out of obligation, told your Ex that you shouldn't have dumped him, but that was probably just to get your Ex to stop whining and belly aching and shut up already.
If he or any of the friends says anything to you directly, you can respond with "hey - tell your buddy to stop sending me nasty, hateful emails and to pay me the money he owes me. Until you've loaned him money and fucked him, I'm not really interested in your opinion about him." Or you can say "I'm sure he's a great friend, but he was a terrible boyfriend and he's a pain in the ass as an Ex."
posted by vitabellosi at 7:44 AM on October 28, 2014 [7 favorites]
What mistake? You kicked him to the curb after 4 months. Good for you! It could have been years. You're dating a new guy who is different from the rest. Good for you! You didn't fall for another loser. Seriously, you're doing fine. Who cares what his addict friends think, and your sober friends will be able to see that he's the scumbag and not you.
(P.S. I wouldn't think about him "owing you money." Mentally reframe it as a gift and let go of your expectations of ever getting it back, because you won't unless you go to court.)
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on October 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
(P.S. I wouldn't think about him "owing you money." Mentally reframe it as a gift and let go of your expectations of ever getting it back, because you won't unless you go to court.)
posted by desjardins at 8:08 AM on October 28, 2014 [6 favorites]
Exactly! Four months just means you returned him before the trial period was over. Don't sweat it.
But I agree with the folks above- take some time to enjoy being single and maybe check out Al-anon if this is a repeat pattern. That way you can learn to love your insane, drama-filled, intense, creative, beautiful, charming addicts more safely.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
But I agree with the folks above- take some time to enjoy being single and maybe check out Al-anon if this is a repeat pattern. That way you can learn to love your insane, drama-filled, intense, creative, beautiful, charming addicts more safely.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:07 AM on October 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
How can I forgive myself for making this mistake
By deciding to, and then reminding yourself of that decision every time the issue arises in your thinking.
and feel confident that I should keep trying?
You're quite unlikely to feel confident that you should keep trying.
Keep trying anyway.
posted by flabdablet at 9:47 AM on October 28, 2014
By deciding to, and then reminding yourself of that decision every time the issue arises in your thinking.
and feel confident that I should keep trying?
You're quite unlikely to feel confident that you should keep trying.
Keep trying anyway.
posted by flabdablet at 9:47 AM on October 28, 2014
You got way too over-involved with someone way too quickly with way too little consideration or wisdom. You are now paying the price for it: literally (paying his bills) and figuratively (suffering social fall-out). That strikes me as a perfectly reasonable outcome to a badly botched set of decisions on your part. But I don't for the life of me understand why "self-forgiveness" is what's needed here.
While you eventually do need to forgive yourself for past bad decisions, the current issue isn't a need to self-forgive quickly enough to neutralize your ongoing succession of bad compulsive decision-making, it's that you need to learn to behave more rationally, so there's less to self-forgive. And that's not a task for an AskMeFi thread, it's something you need professional help with.
You said yourself that this behavior is ongoing. Forgive (including this guy!) after you've fixed it. Meanwhile, you're not being persecuted, you're facing the outcomes of your choices. That's how life actually works. The only thing to be done is to change your decision-making. I wish you the very best of luck, and assure you that it's absolutely possible.
posted by Quisp Lover at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
While you eventually do need to forgive yourself for past bad decisions, the current issue isn't a need to self-forgive quickly enough to neutralize your ongoing succession of bad compulsive decision-making, it's that you need to learn to behave more rationally, so there's less to self-forgive. And that's not a task for an AskMeFi thread, it's something you need professional help with.
You said yourself that this behavior is ongoing. Forgive (including this guy!) after you've fixed it. Meanwhile, you're not being persecuted, you're facing the outcomes of your choices. That's how life actually works. The only thing to be done is to change your decision-making. I wish you the very best of luck, and assure you that it's absolutely possible.
posted by Quisp Lover at 9:56 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
I remember your previous question, and I also want to applaud you for NOT exercising poor judgement - you took the advice of MeFi, you DTMFA, you moved on. GOOD FOR YOU!
What you're going through is the detritus of the relationship. It's hard and it sucks. When I went through something like that, including the fear of my ex spreading lies about me to mutual friends, one of our mutual friends said to me, "Hey - anyone who knows you and is friends with you, KNOWS you. If they believe what he's saying, they're not your friends. So you haven't lost anything, in fact, he's doing you a favor by letting people show you their true colors." That friend was completely right, and I don't think I wound up losing a single mutual friend during the experience. But my ex did - some people took my side simply because I was taking the high road.
So that's my advice to you - take the high road. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't interact with your ex at all, don't respond to emails or text messages. If you are at a public event together and he approaches you, treat him like a stranger - be polite but non-engaging. Time will heal this.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:16 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
What you're going through is the detritus of the relationship. It's hard and it sucks. When I went through something like that, including the fear of my ex spreading lies about me to mutual friends, one of our mutual friends said to me, "Hey - anyone who knows you and is friends with you, KNOWS you. If they believe what he's saying, they're not your friends. So you haven't lost anything, in fact, he's doing you a favor by letting people show you their true colors." That friend was completely right, and I don't think I wound up losing a single mutual friend during the experience. But my ex did - some people took my side simply because I was taking the high road.
So that's my advice to you - take the high road. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Don't interact with your ex at all, don't respond to emails or text messages. If you are at a public event together and he approaches you, treat him like a stranger - be polite but non-engaging. Time will heal this.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 10:16 AM on October 28, 2014 [2 favorites]
Try to understand why you ignored warning signs and moved so fast. Then figure out how to learn and grow from it. The situations that still bother me are ones I just can't figure out.
posted by theora55 at 10:26 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 10:26 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
Block this guy on email, your phone, all social media, and FFS, stop communicating with him!!
The money is gone. He will not pay you back.
Stop talking with this jerk. He's just continuing to mess with you.
Again, he's not going to pay you back. You'll feel a whole lot better about yourself when you stop communicating with him entirely.
posted by jbenben at 10:45 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
The money is gone. He will not pay you back.
Stop talking with this jerk. He's just continuing to mess with you.
Again, he's not going to pay you back. You'll feel a whole lot better about yourself when you stop communicating with him entirely.
posted by jbenben at 10:45 AM on October 28, 2014 [1 favorite]
I can promise that nobody who is reading this thinks you're terrible, and shouldn't be forgiven for being taken by a con artist. If his friends think he's all great and shit, they can support him and his lousy habits and pay his bills. It's not on you, and neither should their opinions be.
If anyone persists in telling you you did the wrong thing, tell them that the subject isn't open to discussion, and part ways from them if they continue.
posted by SillyShepherd at 7:54 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
If anyone persists in telling you you did the wrong thing, tell them that the subject isn't open to discussion, and part ways from them if they continue.
posted by SillyShepherd at 7:54 AM on October 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
Just want to nth the folks saying that they remember your last question about this guy, and are really impressed that you got out when you did. Look back at that question, and look at how hard he (and your mutual friend) tried to manipulate you into staying - and you didn't fall for it! How easy it would have been to just pretend his deception was just a one-off, let it slide just to keep the peace, and end up sucked into years of ugly, draining and possibly even dangerous drama.
And I don't think you should feel bad at all for having gotten involved with him in the first place - functioning alcoholics tend to be pretty damned charming, and pretty good at making sure (at first, at least) you see only what they want you to see. It's in their best interest to keep people from realizing their dependency, right? This might also affect some of his friends (at least, the ones who aren't themselves substance abusers) who think you did him wrong by leaving - it's possible they haven't seen his problems up close, so it's easier for them to excuse them away and place the blame on you. That doesn't make their interpretation the correct one.
Moving forward, I think it'd be a great idea to cut off contact with this guy as much as possible. Think "distantly polite" if you have to interact with him at your performances, and outside of that, don't respond to his emails, phone calls, etc. - don't open further doors for his shitty little tantrums. As others have said, you'd do well to give up on the money he owes you, as he's unlikely to pay you back and it's just another tie to him you don't need.
Overall, I really think you're not giving yourself enough credit. You exercised great self-care by getting out when you did, and I think you deserve to give yourself a huge high-five for that!
posted by DingoMutt at 12:26 PM on October 30, 2014
And I don't think you should feel bad at all for having gotten involved with him in the first place - functioning alcoholics tend to be pretty damned charming, and pretty good at making sure (at first, at least) you see only what they want you to see. It's in their best interest to keep people from realizing their dependency, right? This might also affect some of his friends (at least, the ones who aren't themselves substance abusers) who think you did him wrong by leaving - it's possible they haven't seen his problems up close, so it's easier for them to excuse them away and place the blame on you. That doesn't make their interpretation the correct one.
Moving forward, I think it'd be a great idea to cut off contact with this guy as much as possible. Think "distantly polite" if you have to interact with him at your performances, and outside of that, don't respond to his emails, phone calls, etc. - don't open further doors for his shitty little tantrums. As others have said, you'd do well to give up on the money he owes you, as he's unlikely to pay you back and it's just another tie to him you don't need.
Overall, I really think you're not giving yourself enough credit. You exercised great self-care by getting out when you did, and I think you deserve to give yourself a huge high-five for that!
posted by DingoMutt at 12:26 PM on October 30, 2014
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The easy answer to your question is that you forgive yourself. Period. Full stop.
You did the best you could at the time and you're committed to learning the lessons that that particular nasty class had to teach you.
Move on, and keep on moving.
Self-forgiveness can be difficult when we are also holding the branch that we're being beaten with.
Drop the branch, forgive yourself - treat yourself as you would treat your best friend in the world, with kindness, tenderness, compassion, and acceptance.
Again, you did the best you could at the time.
Give yourself some credit for having the self-preservation to get the hell out of there.
A few things to chew on:
1) What is the longest period that you've been single? Do you go from one relationship immediately into the next? I advise my clients that sometimes they need a breather and a break from dating. This involves extreme self-care and going against the current habits that you have taught yourself. I usually recommend a year of singlehood to really do the hard work necessary to discover who you truly are, the type of relationship you truly desire, and the qualities of the person who you can build that type of relationship with.
2) The performance. I'm glad that you have some back up, because it sounds like you are going to need it. If it gets weird or evil, get out of there immediately. Don't hang around to hear the gossip, don't hang around to speak any gossip. Have fun performing, enjoy it, but don't let the evening devolve into anything painful.
Hang in there!
Best of luck, and have a great time performing!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:52 AM on October 28, 2014 [12 favorites]