My partner lied to me about alcohol. Now what?
September 19, 2014 3:41 PM   Subscribe

My partner lied to me about alcohol. Now what?

My partner of four months (met interstate, hit it off big time, he moved in to my house a week later) has a self-confessed history of hard drug use and alcohol addiction. He has stopped doing drugs entirely but still drinks a little. He has also apparently quit smoking but I don't entirely believe him as he often goes out to his car at night for various dubious reasons and often smells of cigarettes.

He has been very stressed at work and last night I put something in the freezer and noticed that half a bottle of vodka had been drunk. I asked him about it in a light hearted way and he said he'd poured some into two hip flasks for us to take to parties another time. Because I'd just been questioning him about why his breath and two of his fingers stunk of cigarettes (I have told him repeatedly that it's up to him whether he smokes), I told him I'd believe him about the cigarettes if he got the hip flasks for me.

He asked why I can't trust him etc (been gaslighted by another partner before so my alarm bells raang) and I pressed and found one of our hip flasks and it was empty. So he said that actually he had just filled one and it was in his car. I pushed again for him to go and get it and he admitted that he hadn't filled either of them. Then he said that he'd drank too much of it and spilled it and was embarrassed. And then that he'd just been embarrassed and ashamed that he'd drunk so much and didn't want to lose me.

Lying is a deal breaker to me. He knows this. I've told him many times that if he drinks/takes drugs we can talk about it but not to lie to me. Now I feel like... If he's willing to lie to my face, repeatedly, about this, how can I trust him about anything else?

He's very upset and repetant and has promised not to drink for 3 months to prove it to me - but as I told him, I care about the lying more than the drinking. I've asked him to go and get counselling but he says he can't afford it right now (and he can't - we are both pretty broke). He feels very ashamed but I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust the other person, and I don't particularly want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Our mutual friend called me up and told me not to be so hard on him, that all couples tell white lies (this guy's wife doesn't know that he still smokes...). I don't want to be in a relationship where we lie to each other about anything more seriously than whether we like each other's presents, according to our friend this is unrealistic.

Metafriends, what would you do? Just after some second opinions as it has been an otherwise very loving and supportive relationship and I have never felt so comfortable to be myself with anyone before - it's my best and healthiest relationship ever.
posted by Chrysalis to Human Relations (49 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
I'm terrible at relationship advice, but I feel like this is a major, major, major red flag. I think you nailed it with:

If he's willing to lie to my face, repeatedly, about this, how can I trust him about anything else?

So the question is, are you willing to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust?
posted by primethyme at 3:47 PM on September 19, 2014 [5 favorites]


There are so many red flags here, and I know you see them too. Just because it's your healthiest relationship yet doesn't mean it's totally healthy. A partner who lies to you is a dealbreaker- you said so yourself. These aren't white lies, this is repeatedly telling you lies to your face. I've been in a position like yours, and I regret that I didn't make him move out when I saw the issues at first and waited way too long to leave.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 3:47 PM on September 19, 2014 [24 favorites]


I'd break it off. I don't think that this is a white lie; it seems more like it might possibly be the beginning of a pattern that will cause you a lot of trouble. Seriously, adults who are mature enough to be in a strong relationship shouldn't lie about things like that. It's not your job to police his drinking, maybe, but it's his job to be honest with you.
posted by thesnowyslaps at 3:50 PM on September 19, 2014 [6 favorites]


What else isn't he telling you the truth about (drug use, STD and HIV status, etc....)
How was his life so flexible that he could move in a week after meeting?

This just all sounds like a bad idea all around (but then again I'm not you and not there)

It would be a total deal breaker for me.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 3:53 PM on September 19, 2014 [7 favorites]


You've known each other for four months, he moved in a week after you met, he's lying to you repeatedly, both to your face and lies of omission, and is trying to solve your upsetness at the lying by making it about the drinking, which, hello, he is LYING TO YOU ABOUT.

Honestly your friend who's telling you not to give him such a hard time is a frigging nincompoop, because the only thing that's going to get this guy to see the light is for someone to give him a hard fucking time and call him on his shit.

You are worth so much more than what he is giving you. You said yourself that his behavior is a deal breaker for you. You are your own best friend, please listen to your gut here. Please move on before he takes even more advantage of your kindness and understanding.
posted by phunniemee at 4:06 PM on September 19, 2014 [30 favorites]


Lying is a deal breaker to me.

It doesn't sound like it has been, though. He's been lying to you, repeatedly, and it hasn't been a dealbreaker. "I've quit smoking" is clearly a lie, for example. If lying is a deal breaker, if you've been gaslighted before, why are you putting up with it now? He's been telling you that you can't trust your senses, - that's gaslighting, no?

I don't want to be in a relationship where we lie to each other about anything more seriously than whether we like each other's presents, according to our friend this is unrealistic

Some people are OK with relationships that have little white lies, others aren't, but that's beside the point. (Poorly) covering up consumption of half a bottle of vodka is not a little white lie, especially for someone who struggles with addiction.

This "mutual" friend sounds equally toxic, IMO.
posted by muddgirl at 4:07 PM on September 19, 2014 [29 favorites]


Wow. I don't want to sound judgy, but you don't let people move in with you after knowing them just for a week. Why would you do that? It doesn't make sense.

This is not okay behavior, lying, using and generally not being trustworthy are deal breakers.

If you want to see an effort, then go to AA. There's a meeting starting somewhere and there's no charge. Go with him. If he refuses to go, then you have your answer, he's not interested in getting help for his addiction.

You must have had some shitty relationships if losing this one seems like a worse choice to you than staying with a man who has lied about something that is clearly an important issue for you.

Ask him to pack his things and go. If he could move interstate to live with you after knowing each other for only a week, he can just as easily go back.

You need your own counseling. If you can't afford it, check out an Al-Anon meeting. You may or may not be co-dependent but hearing the stories of other people, and perhaps observing how they're doing better by not allowing this kind of drama into their lives, and of having higher standards for themselves, will help you see that this is just inappropriate all the way around.

Good Luck
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:09 PM on September 19, 2014 [20 favorites]


Everything about this seems fishy. Who moves in with someone after a week. Who lies about cigarettes? It is a bad habit but it isn't a deal breaker thing. And the drinking.

This man has firmly planted himself in your life. He does not want to change. He does not care about what you feel. He wants things but it isn't about you as a person.

Run.
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:10 PM on September 19, 2014 [5 favorites]


all couples tell white lies

First off: "I didn't drink that missing half a bottle of vodka" isn't a little white lie.

Secondly: no, they don't.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2014 [40 favorites]


Half a bottle of vodka? Forget the lying, I'd be concerned about the drinking. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here: addicts lie to cover up their addiction because it's created so many problems in the past and they're ashamed. Your boyfriend is likely using a lot more than youknow.
posted by fshgrl at 4:16 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


I only read about half of your intro and I was thinking "wow what's she doing with this guy". I drink a lot myself -- more than this guy probably! -- and I wouldn't think of lying to a SO about it like that. Wow. You say you put the foot down on liars, but are wondering about this guy. ..interesting..... The fact that he thinks he can even pull this lie off is a sign that he's an idiot. Move on.
posted by herox at 4:17 PM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


The guy is an addict and addicts lie to protect their habit. If you want to live with stress and lies and heartache then by all means continue on. If you'd prefer not to be lied to, stolen from and messed with then do whatever you've got to to get him the hell out of your house and your life right now.
posted by Cuke at 4:22 PM on September 19, 2014 [7 favorites]


What would I do? I'd remove him from my home and life immediately. He wouldn't even be welcome to warm the curb outside for more than twenty minutes.

You can say that you don't tolerate lying, but what you described above is a LOT of tolerating lying.
posted by destructive cactus at 4:24 PM on September 19, 2014 [8 favorites]


Kick him to the curb with *extreme* prejudice. Casual lying and concealment of substance use a mere four months into a relationship? He does not respect you, and there's nowhere for this to go but down. If you moved in together after only a week, you didn't really KNOW this guy when you became partners. Now you're getting to know who he really is, and it turns out that this is not someone you need in your life.
posted by Andrhia at 4:31 PM on September 19, 2014 [3 favorites]


He has stopped doing drugs entirely but still drinks a little.

Let's fix this: he SAYS he's stopped doing drugs, and he drinks enough that he feels compelled to lie to your face about it. I think there's a very real danger he could be on the path back to hard drugs and conceivably stealing your stuff to pay for it. Get him out of your house and out of your life. Even if it doesn't progress past the alcoholism, you just said you're both pretty poor, and if he starts (secretly or not) blowing money on alcohol (much of which will inevitably get "spilled", i.e. you're going to hear a lot more lies about this whole business), that has financial repercussions for you, not the mention the stress of living with an alcoholic.

Plus, this whole many layers of lying and slightly modifying closer to telling the truth once confronted with more and more facts is so beyond the pale for me. Plain old lying once is bad enough, but switching his lies to slightly more plausible ones when it's clear you don't believe him is so... ugh.

I also agree others above that plenty of couples don't lie to each other. That's a completely reasonable thing to want in your relationships.
posted by ktkt at 4:37 PM on September 19, 2014 [7 favorites]


He lies to you and modifies the lies until one seems to stick. No one else but you can determine whether it's a deal breaker, but you need to follow your instincts here. Even deciding that something that as sort of okay is now not okay, is okay. "You know, I thought I was up to this, but this is just unacceptable."

You deserve better and you know this, deep down inside. I'm also willing to bet that this mutual friend was his friend first. Others have made good points above, but, again, you can opt out of this at any time you wish.
posted by SillyShepherd at 4:46 PM on September 19, 2014 [4 favorites]


He's relapsing on alcohol at least, it sounds like, and really doesn't have much credibility if he says that's the only thing he's using, since he was hiding that.

As far as promises to not drink for 3 months? Well, suppose that promise is kept. What then? You can't cure real substance problems with three months of abstinence. They just get worse when the period of abstinence is over. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes a while. The lying and hiding is a real bad sign, by the way. It's a typical addict lifestyle.

If you are going to continue to let him live in your house, and he does make a serious effort at the 3 months, I still think you should be wanting to see a much more serious plan about recovery and what is going to change.
posted by thelonius at 5:10 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


You've only been together for four months? Cut your losses and move on. If it's this bad already, it's only going to get worse.
posted by barnoley at 5:25 PM on September 19, 2014 [3 favorites]


My partner of four months (met interstate, hit it off big time, he moved in to my house a week later) has a self-confessed history of hard drug use and alcohol addiction

Did he move in with you because he didn't have any (stable) place else to stay, by chance? Whose idea was it to have him move in? Did you have any reservations at all about this arrangement? What were they? What other things might you have been shrugging off up until this latest development with his drinking?

He has also apparently quit smoking but I don't entirely believe him as he often goes out to his car at night for various dubious reasons and often smells of cigarettes.

So this means he already knows that you'll disregard his lies, no matter what your words say.

He feels very ashamed but I feel like I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust the other person, and I don't particularly want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Don't worry about his feelings for the moment -- this is your life, these are your decisions to make. If you don't want to be in this relationship. . . don't be in it. It's that easy. Don't feel guilty, don't feel disappointed with yourself. Just think of it as a hard-learned lesson, because that's what it is.

If this relationship were a house, the foundation would be cracked and the building itself would be bearing a lot of stress. In a situation like this, I would break it off and kick him out before that house tumbles in on you. From what you wrote, he's already tried to persuade you that things aren't the way they seem, but keep in mind the facts at hand, keep in mind his past history, and think hard about if things would truly be any different with him in the future, all things considered.

Just after some second opinions as it has been an otherwise very loving and supportive relationship and I have never felt so comfortable to be myself with anyone before - it's my best and healthiest relationship ever.

"Letting you be yourself" is easy. All it takes is not being openly critical, even if you want to be, and pretending to be empathetic, whether you actually feel any empathy or not. Being consistently reliable, unselfish, and trustworthy is hard (but, interestingly, not unreasonable at all to expect from someone you're seriously dating) and part of what makes up a healthy relationship and a strong partnership. So far, from what you're saying, this man is not a worthy partner at all. It takes time to build up trust and his suspicious behavior has done nothing but rightfully make you doubt him these last four months.

I know sometimes finding love can feel like finding an oasis in the midst of a vast desert. Unfortunately, what one thinks is an oasis can sometimes be just a mirage of the dehydrated. Trust what your instinct is telling you.
posted by sevenofspades at 5:31 PM on September 19, 2014 [8 favorites]


Here is my thing.

Based on this I have a million conjectures. Here are a few:

1) this guy had little attachment and security, two things you do not want in a partner.

I came to this by the fact he moved in with you in a week. An adult usually and should have some basic things set up that make this improboble. 1) people who have jobs in a field they want to keep working in give two weeks notice for reference purposes. 2) people have leases, rent responsibilities , utilities in their name 3)people have attachments. These are friends, lovers, ex lovers,family, Co workers and other people to say goodbye to. People also have obligations with various things they are involved in.

2) this person feels compelled to lie about things that are obvious. Regardless why this is a super flawed coping mechanism. More serious is his willingness to dig in and become angry and accusatory to something completely natural on your part- wanting to know the truth.

3) the substance abuse. Consequences of it lead to number 1 as mentioned. He had compulsively issues the smoking the drinking the lying regardless of your opinion.

4) his lying is indicating he doesn't trust you and he is turning back on you.

I stand by my first statement. Run.

You deserve someone more stable and honest in your life who has the ability of self reflection not deception.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:39 PM on September 19, 2014 [11 favorites]


First off, as to the whole "who lets someone move in after a week", well, just off the top of my head I can think of 5 happy, long-term couples who all moved in together (one got married) within ten days, so can we drop that one.

I am very sorry to tell you this Chrysalis, but you need to end this one, and count yourself lucky that you know now what you know now.
posted by Cosine at 5:42 PM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


You need to go to an Al-Anon meeting, because your life is being affected by someone else's drinking. If you don't like the first meeting you go to, try another. They're all different. At your first few meetings, when they ask for newcomers, raise your hand. Share a little bit about your story. You'll be helped there.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:42 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


I heard something in an AA meeting once. Someone said "I've done this drug and that drug, and the other drug, I've tried X, Y an Z, but a 12 dollar bottle of liquor kicked my ass." I really understood this statement. I'd lived it.
Addiction is a disease. It can be pretty open as to what it wants. Just about anything to keep you from facing yourself will do.
I've also said "it used to be that the best way of telling if I was lying was to look and see if my lips were moving." It's what addicts do. We're good at it. best of all we are good at lying to ourselves. And as long as we keep doing it, we are not getting honest.

Getting honest with yourself it what it takes to start getting better. Sounds like this guy isn't ready for that. And you cannot "push" someone into getting sober, they have to do it for themselves.

I wish I had a hundred dollars for every time I "quit drinking for a month" after I had pulled some boneheaded stupidity and p***d off my now former wife. Invariably, about a week after that 30 days was over, I was just as bad as before if not worse.

Getting sober is not drinking for today, even if no one will know. Thanks to a power greater than myself, I've managed to do that around 2480 days in a row.
posted by rudd135 at 5:51 PM on September 19, 2014 [7 favorites]


Are you taking care of all the rent, bills, groceries, etc? The alcohol aside, this situation sounds like he might be taking advantage of you. If this is the case, you need to run from this relationship now.

Aside from that, the obvious lying and secretive behavior is a big red flag. You said you've been gaslighted before so you already know what people are capable of.

I'm incredibly sorry if this comes off as judgmental, but he sounds like a freeloading addict. He might be an addict of things besides alcohol. I've known a lot of these people and been taken advantage of them and all I'm saying is, your situation sounds a lot like that. Lying and manipulating is what they do best.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm way off base.
posted by atinna at 5:56 PM on September 19, 2014 [5 favorites]


AA is free and generally available at all sorts of hours of the day. There's no excuse for him not to go.

Moving in after one week is a major red flag. Red flags don't always mean a relationship is doomed, but they are, by definition, warnings that need to be taken into account. No one can know another person well after a week, or even four months, which is why most couples wait much longer before moving in together or committing to each other. Most relationships that rush into commitment in this way involve at least one partner who is rushing in order (consciously or not) to violate the other person's boundaries (which include analyzing for dealbreaker behavior).

If I were you, I would make him find another place to live, ask him to commit to AA daily for the three months he's already promised to be sober (most meetings will have someone who can sign a paper verifying attendance, since it's often a requirement for parole), and back WAY off to a typical four-month relationship place, which would be right about where partners probably see each other 2-3 times a week and are considering saying "I love you" for the first time.

I don't think everyone needs to follow the "typical" relationship timeline, but for people who have rushed it and found that it's really not working, pulling back and being more conventional about it can help clarify what's working, what's not working, what might work, and what will never work. Individuals can then make decisions based on solid evidence rather than projection or past baggage.
posted by jaguar at 6:18 PM on September 19, 2014


It sounds like he is heading for (if not very much in the midst of - these are only the lies he's been caught at) a major relapse -the lying is all wrapped up in that. I understand lying about something you have no real need to lie about (I've been in that stupid stupid territory with cigarettes): what it's about is not facing what you know perfectly well you're doing. Inane BS justifications of one's relapse don't hold up well to the light of objective observation. Drinking was the thin edge of the wedge and now the gap is widening. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to foster recovery. The promise to enact some statutory period of abstinence to prove repentance sounds like 100% pure gold-plated alcoholic to me. I am biased on the topic by personal experience, but I think it objectively very likely that if he doesn't get help he will become a terrible person to be entangled with in short order.
posted by nanojath at 6:50 PM on September 19, 2014 [2 favorites]


Listen - you say you care more about the lying than the drinking, but what you're fundamentally failing to understand is that the lying IS the drinking, and the drinking is the lying. For an alcoholic, the two are inseparable. He's not only lying to you about the drinking, he's also lying to himself about the drinking. And then he probably drinks more because he feels so bad about the lying.

So please don't think you can somehow magically make him stop lying to you while he's still drinking. That is not a possible thing. Even if he believed you were 100% okay with him getting hospital-drunk every night, he would spend his nights getting drunker even than that and then lying to you about it.

And everything I've said about drinking is also true of drug addiction, so you know - it all goes double if he's using.

Get him out of your home and out of your life. There's no such thing as a healthy relationship with a practicing alcoholic.
posted by kythuen at 6:51 PM on September 19, 2014 [6 favorites]


Moving interstate to live together after just one week is a red flag that fades over time as long as there aren't more red flags. But in your case there have been several; this is just the latest. Stop ignoring all the red flags. If lying is a deal breaker then break the deal. This isn't his first lie.
posted by dness2 at 6:55 PM on September 19, 2014 [15 favorites]


Yes, I think the drinking is the real worry for you here, because addicts can do awful things to the people they love in pursuit of their addictions.

Have you checked your valuables, especially things you might not use every day like jewellery or old laptops/tech? Does your boyfriend have access to your bank accounts or credit cards? Does he ask for little loans, promising to pay you back, and then doesn't pay you back?

I'm so sorry, I know you love him, but I'd be worried at this point that he saw you as an easy mark.

(You're not paying all the bills, right?)
posted by Georgina at 7:03 PM on September 19, 2014 [4 favorites]


I care about the lying more than the drinking.

I've read your post, and I say this with a lot of love.

You need to spiritually wake up. You are confusing "tweaker love" with love. You need to learn how to have boundaries just like everyone else, how to operate from a place of values in your life (like real patience, real tolerance, and real love - this is a life-long practice for some of us, and sometimes it involves asking for some space), and how to cut your losses.

You are not exempt from mistakes. You don't let a self-confessed alcoholic that you've known for one week into your home and tell him it's cool as long as he doesn't lie. Alcoholics piss on you and tell you that it's raining. This is what they do. Alcoholics knock beginnings of relationships out of the park. After that.. not so well.

The problem isn't that he's going to lie more in the future. The problem is he moved in so soon you can't see around the double-life he has, and this was a dumb move, as I've done it, too. He could be hiding a battle carrier compared to what you caught him with. And he knows this, and you don't. And this is your first whiff of something that makes you feel like shit. Because of course it would. And of course the lying is progressive. And for some of us, who doesn't love a guy who destroys things and then apologizes profusely the next day? Is this not exciting? Does this not make us feel superior?

We all have a lot of pride in the observations and decisions we make. But you can't rely on the evidence you have with an alcoholic. It is an impossible mix of truth and lies driven by the need to use and cover it up. Please don't split hairs. You're not going to find him proudly drinking vodka shots from an ice luge he built in the living room with 10 cigarettes shoved up his ass. You need to have some faith that a lot of us have had similar experiences, and the results have always been the same. It always gets worse, never better. You don't really need to go down this road. This is what I mean by operating from a place of values.

I hope this gives you the strength to tell him to go to AA for 90 meetings in 90 days or get the fuck out. There's a chance he might be ready to get sober and stay sober. You might want to check out Al-Anon. This man is not your child. You don't need to explain the concept of lying to healthy adults. There are these things called "toxic relationships" that even Buddhist monks talk about. Stop painting red flags green. You don't need to explore the depths of pain and victimization to learn your lessons. I think this is what recovery is all about. Coming out ahead of a problem is a big part of self-care.
posted by phaedon at 7:14 PM on September 19, 2014 [16 favorites]


I don't particularly want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. You know he is an alcoholic and drug addict and you are in a relationship with him. Alcoholics/ Addicts lie, especially about their addictions. If you cannot accept lying, an addict is going to make you miserable on that score.

You can't manage or monitor his addiction. You can manage your own life, and you can provide natural and logical consequences when he engages in his addictions. Go to Al-Anon. Suggest that he go to AA. Work on finding the organizations who can help you both with counseling, rehab and other services.

Is he working/ looking for work? Does he do his fair share of tasks? In short, is he functioning? People who hide their drinking are usually in pretty deep, in my experience.
posted by theora55 at 8:00 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


I can't help but refer to my post here about a fairly similar situation. Most of what i'd write would just be restating that.

Lying isn't the problem here, it's the compound lying. Like just continuing to bet it all on black and lie over and over and over hoping you'll go away instead of just admitting fault and getting it over with.

I seriously didn't read any further than that childlike if-then circuit of endless lies. It was all i really needed to see.

In a weird way, you were right; the lying DOES matter more than the drinking. But it's because that type of lying is so gross and there's no real recovery or trust to come from there.

It's deep, deep in the black hole of addict behavior.
posted by emptythought at 8:57 PM on September 19, 2014


Lying is a deal breaker to me.

He lied.
posted by Sebmojo at 9:15 PM on September 19, 2014 [10 favorites]


What Sebmojo said. Deal broken.

Some relationships might work out after moving in a week later, but like others said, he had nothing tying him down that he couldn't move at the drop of pants? No friends/family/job/home/dog, even? This smells of shifty slacker even before I heard of the alcohol and lying. Bad sign. He's literally done what you told him not to--if you let him stay, he'll just keep on drinking and lying to you because he gets away with it.

Also, it sounds mean to say it, but this guy is not your "partner." Partnership should be earned with time and good relationship things going on. "Life partnering" after 4 months is waaaaay jumping the gun when you don't even know if he's up to that sort of thing yet. And clearly, he's not.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:58 PM on September 19, 2014 [1 favorite]


You know the correct answer already. I hereby give you permission to stand firmly within your boundaries and break this off with no remorse or guilt. And this wasn't just one lie. This was multiple lies stringing you along before he got caught fully. If you let him get away with this one, there will be others. MANY others. Because he will learn more and more how to mollify you after each one. I know people who are in relationships with alcoholics who lie about their drinking - I was in one myself. They are the opposite of healthy. At their worst, they become codependent enabling nightmares, and take a long time to heal from. Please don't do this to yourself.

tl;dr

DMFTA. Run.
posted by ananci at 10:06 PM on September 19, 2014


Response by poster: Thanks for the reinforcement. It feels sickening because I love and care for and was happy with him, but I know this is not a healthy path for me. I changed my credit card pin as he has it at the moment (yeah, I know) and asked him to move out. He owes me a bunch of money and the best I can hope is that he pays it back over time but if I never get it back at least I got off the ride only a few stops in. Cheers all.
posted by Chrysalis at 10:20 PM on September 19, 2014 [25 favorites]


Response by poster: And now I'm off to cry for a while :(
posted by Chrysalis at 10:28 PM on September 19, 2014 [6 favorites]


*hugs* Just need to voice agreement you did the right thing, even though it hurts. You're protecting future your future self from something that would only have gotten worse.
posted by pahalial at 11:31 PM on September 19, 2014 [5 favorites]


Mark the money down as lost forever, and consider it cheap. I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now; but you did the right thing.
posted by Sebmojo at 11:42 PM on September 19, 2014 [7 favorites]


Best wishes for your new life, Chrysalis.
posted by Cranberry at 12:25 AM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


You're doing the right thing, but sometimes, doing the right thing hurts. This is for the best and one day, after this painful part of it is over, you'll be glad and relieved that you don't have this burden to deal with anymore. Hugs.
posted by SillyShepherd at 1:25 AM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


Good luck!
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:48 AM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


Wow, your post is so much like mine a week ago! And in my case, the lying is so much worse than the drinking itself as you posted. I know this is tough but you are smart and you're doing the right thing even if it hurts like hell right now.
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 7:00 AM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


Lying is a deal breaker to me.

You answered your own question.

Good luck.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:19 AM on September 20, 2014


Best of luck, and good for you. We've all been on the ride, or one like it, and once you know you're on it, the best you can do is get off as soon as you can.
posted by not that girl at 7:38 AM on September 20, 2014 [3 favorites]


Good for you, and I'm sorry it's so painful. Be nice to yourself, and try to surround yourself with healthy supportive friends right now.
posted by jaguar at 8:42 AM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]


Please think about going to Al-Anon anyway, it's a wonderful support network in the aftermath of something like this. It can also help you identify why you would be attracted to this type of relationship and move on to better things. If this has been a pattern in your life, I urge you to seek out ways of helping yourself to break out of it. We tend to accept the love we think we deserve, but you absolutely deserve better than this.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. Be strong <3
posted by ananci at 1:29 PM on September 20, 2014 [3 favorites]


Hey, I'm super proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Here's hoping things look up and up and up from here.
posted by Andrhia at 2:32 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


Except that my ex hates smoking, I could think you were with my former husband. I've been there. And it hurts like hell to let go of a relationship that is so wonderful except for this one little thing. Except, as you already know, this is not a little thing - it is a sucking chest wound that will bleed you until there is nothing left.

I feel for you as you hurt & grieve but you should be proud for moving on now, before it gets even harder. Good luck & congrats for taking care of yourself.
posted by pointystick at 5:30 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]


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