How do I help an ex - or not - through impending bereavement?

September 20, 2014 10:14 AM

My husband and I are separated, and he just called to say his father is seriously ill in hospital with multiple organ failure and the prognosis is pretty hopeless. I don't know what my role is supposed to be in this, if any. I'm looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation please.

We were together for a long time and I was very fond of my father-in-law, as he was of me. However I haven't seen him since the separation (about a year). My husband and I are still in regular contact and we are friendly enough (this is complicated by the fact that there are things about the end of the relationship he is unaware of, and helped by the fact that we both studiously avoid talking about any current relationships.) We meet up once a month or so for coffee and to sort out house related things, and we generally just talk about work, family etc. When he rang me he was very upset, obviously, and said he wanted me to know. I offered to go to the hospital but he said no, also understandably, but that he had wanted to talk to me about it. He asked me not to say to anyone so I'm just sitting with this now and I don't know what to do in the days ahead so I'd appreciate any advice.

Wakes and funerals are big things in my culture and even though we are estranged it would be unheard of for me not to attend (my parents are divorced, and not especially amicably, but still go to the funerals of people important to each other, for example.) I feel awful even thinking about funerals and I'm still hoping a miracle will happen but in the event that it doesn't I don't know how I'm supposed to be. I feel full of grief that I didn't get to say good bye to my FIL and so I want to be there, but I haven't seen any of the family since the spilt and I don't know if I should totally keep out of the way or offer condolences. I got on really well with his siblings but didn't hear from them after the breakup, which I understand, and I'm torn between being kind of afraid to face them and wanting to hug them because we shared a lot of family times with their Dad together. I know it is going to kill me seeing my husband cry - something I witnessed hardly ever in our time together, even at and after the split. I still have enormous guilt about the breakup and now I'm full of self-hatred because I should have been the one to be there with him and I can't be and I feel like I've let him down all over again by not being able to hold his hand in the hospital and help him with arrangements and things. I don't know how to show him I'm there for him if I shouldn't really be doing that in the first place. He said he'd call to let me know when, and I don't know what to do then. Ask to visit him and if so do I sit like a guest or do I hug him? Do I wait to be notified of the funeral? When there I know I'll sit somewhere neutral, not with the family, but do I slip out after or do I approach the family?

Once the immediate aftermath has taken place I don't know if I should be offering him support or how to do that. I still care about him a lot and want to be there for him, but I partly think I've forfeited that right, and partly think it might send out mixed messages, but I also don't want him to think I don't care about such a huge loss for him so I don't know how low of a profile to keep. He can be very sensitive but keeps it all bottled up, and I just don't know what level of caring is expected or appropriate in this case. I feel full of grief for him and want to be able to be there for him but I don't know if I'm "allowed" or if this kind of thing transcends the difficulties in our relationship.

I know this all sounds very jumbled, and I don't want it to sound like it's all about me. I know most of the family will be just too shocked to register my presence - this is very sudden - but I'm just afraid of either being too forward, so it's like I'm ignoring the hurt I've caused and that I'm not really part of the family any more, or not forward enough, so it looks like I don't care. I can't ask anyone irl at the minute so I'd really like some kind of indication about what I should do as I'm feeling a bit shocked and lost.

posted by outoftime to Human Relations (21 answers total)

If you want to be there for him, just say "If you need anything, I'm here for you." The ball is in his court then and he can decide what he's comfortable with. The last thing he needs is to worry about navigating the post-breakup minefield with you as he is grieving or dealing with his potential loss.

If he needs you, then he'll know you're open to it.
posted by inturnaround at 10:18 AM on September 20, 2014

You know your husband far better than we do. Try to put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what he would want to hear from you, both in the short-term and in the long run.

Also think about what your father-in-law might want.
posted by shivohum at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2014

Yes, what inturnaround said. Plus, do send a card to all those people you want to hug expressing your sympathy (if he passes) or your concern.
posted by salvia at 10:23 AM on September 20, 2014

First, my condolences. You FIL sounds like a nice man.
---

I'm sorry you're ex shared this upsetting news with you, and then told you to keep it a secret.


You're conflating a lot of things here.

- Are you getting back together with your ex husband?

If not, your role is to do whatever a past very-good-but-now-distant-friend would do -- maybe send flowers to the hospital to brighten his room, but nothing flashy.

If FIL is in organ failure, then he's probably not in any shape for visitors. Do not offer to go to the hospital to comfort your ex or his siblings.
---

You're ex is being ridiculous! Of course you can share this news with people who can help comfort you.

Just don't post about it on Facebook, etc., or tell anyone who would repeat the info or approach your ex during this sensitive time.
---

When the time comes, I would send flowers to the funeral. I would briefly attend the wake as a sign of respect to my FIL *IF* the ex informed me and I was invited. I would not attend any other family gatherings. I would not stay long at the wake.

I would resist letting my ex turn to me in his grief, even if I did want to get back together.


----
You should do something on your own to process and honor this man. That's natural and appropriate.

Again, I'm sorry your ex told you this news, and then asked you to keep it a secret.
posted by jbenben at 10:37 AM on September 20, 2014

Wakes and funerals are big things in my culture

What is the custom in your husband's culture? I'd think that etiquette should take precedence. In your shoes, I'd certainly say "Let me know if you need anything" (I'd say this to just about anyone I know) and leave it at that. Maybe send a note/card/flowers to the hospital/hospice if that seems like something your FIL would appreciate. Honestly, I wouldn't even necessarily plan on going to the funeral. Your ex's needs and desires and those of his family are the priority.

I'd probably wait to be invited (if that's the right word) to the funeral. At the very most (and I'd be very unlikely to do this), I might ask someone else in the family you are still friendly-ish with "how would everyone feel if I came to the funeral? There's absolutely no problem if people would be uncomfortable with me not coming."

And if I went, I'd sit quietly in the back, maybe say a quick word to the family if there is a moment to do so and then leave to let them do their thing. I'd adjust my time and involvement depending upon their reception of my being there.
posted by Beti at 10:39 AM on September 20, 2014

What is the custom in your husband's culture?

Thank you for the replies so far. Not to threadsit but just to clarify, my husband and I are from the same background. Not to go to the funeral would be seen as hugely callous and disrespectful. So my question is more to do with how to act when there, rather than if I should go.

Also I understand him asking me to keep it private. They are a very private family and as this is sudden there are people that haven't been informed yet. Keeping it quiet feels like a very small thing I can do for him. But thanks for the condolences jbenben. My father in law is a gentle, kind, intelligent man with a dry wit and a twinkle in his eye that I have missed. This is breaking my heart so I'm grateful for some clarity from objective people as my thoughts are a bit confused. Thanks again.
posted by outoftime at 10:59 AM on September 20, 2014

When I lost someone very close, all I wanted was to hear from other people about how they missed him too, and here's a wonderful story that really shows his spirit, etc. I would sit down right now and think about your favorite memories of your FIL that show his humor or kindness or his distinctive personality, and start drafting a letter. How when you first met him, your impression was ___, and over time you came to see that really, _____ ... You may end up sending this letter to your ex or your MIL or whoever will be needing it most. It is a huge gift you can give them, to put down in words some of the things they will be missing about him, maybe a story they don't know about him, anything like that.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:32 AM on September 20, 2014

You go to the funeral and stop by the wake. Offer your condolences first to your ex MIL then the rest of the family. Hugs or heartfelt hand squuezes as appropriate. Treat your ex exactly like the rest of the family, don't linger, don't discuss anything unrelated to his dad, don't expect him to open up to you or want to discuss things with you particularly but let him know you're there for him if he needs you. Stay awhile, talk to mutual friends then leave before it becomes family and close friends only. Don't drink.
posted by fshgrl at 11:45 AM on September 20, 2014

If your FIL is in the hospital and you can visit, go ahead and do that. You can call the nurse's station and ask, "I'd like to visit FIL, what is the visiting policy." If anyone can stop by, then go ahead. If any of the family is there, simply say, "I loved FIL and I wanted him to know." I doubt anyone would stop you or even want to.

You had a relationship with your FIL, and although your husband wants to control things, and it's admirable that you don't want to upset him, sometimes your needs are valid too.

The family will tell you what your place in the official mourning will be.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:11 PM on September 20, 2014

What a painful situation all around. A very similar thing happened to me--both my in-laws died, within a span of a few weeks, while my husband and I were separated.

I can't offer advice about the funeral etiquette as it sounds like your relationship with your FIL and your cultural context is very different than ours. But I am very familiar with the complexities of trying to do the right thing during a breakup. Maybe too much to write here, but I invite you to MeMail me if you need a sympathetic ear. My condolences to everyone.
posted by Sublimity at 12:14 PM on September 20, 2014

Fshgrl has it. In such a situation, it's easy to send mixed messages OR to completely fail to be the person he unreasonably expects you to be because he's in a terrible spot and not thinking clearly.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:00 PM on September 20, 2014

Yeah, I think this depends on how "over" the relationship is. If it's pretty much all over but making it final, I'd keep my distance as being his #1 support system and try to keep it at somewhat of a friend. If there's hope you might get together again, then you could be closer. I'm guessing you're on the "all over but the shouting" side of things though. I think you can visit FIL in the hospital and the funeral and all that, but you probably shouldn't be a major support system for him if you won't be there for the rest of his life.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2014

"They are a very private family and as this is sudden there are people that haven't been informed yet. Keeping it quiet feels like a very small thing I can do for him."

That doesn't take into account at all you or your feelings.

You can "keep it quiet" but reach out to your support system of a person or close group of friends that are separate from him and the associated marital relationships - and you should.

If his family is the private kind - then no, I doubt you would be welcome at the hospital at this time. I'm sorry.

Again, my condolences.

Again, I'm going to again urge you to do something meaningful and private on your own to help yourself process the understandable myriad of emotions you having. It's a lot.

I don't think you should let your ex direct your role in this as it unfolds.


He doesn't sound like he's thinking too clearly right now (who would be??) and his judgement is likely not reliable. Keeping to clear & polite boundaries seems best for all involved.
posted by jbenben at 3:50 PM on September 20, 2014

You're fond of your father-in-law and he's dying - the twinkle in his eye is going away soon and you won't have another chance to tell him how much you enjoyed it. Go to the hospital now.

You can still keep the information private - that's no problem and shouldn't affect the visit. Your ex called to let you know about this - he knows you'll likely want to say goodbye.

As for the funeral and wake, go if that's what you want to do. No one should fault you for paying your respects to a man who deserves them.

None of which means you have any obligation to your ex other than to offer your condolences.

I'm sorry you're losing someone you care about.
posted by aryma at 6:44 PM on September 20, 2014

Aryma is right. Think about how you will feel 10 or 20 years from now, and do what you will wish you had done. Based on what you've said here, I think you want to say goodbye to your father-in-law before he dies, and express your sympathies to his family at his funeral. They will not be horrified if you turn up at the hospital: they will be shocked and scared at what's happening. If they fully register that you're there, they won't mind, and they may be grateful.

Be a friend to your former husband. You were once each other's most important people, and it's a kindness to be there for him now. But do be a little careful -- he'll be vulnerable and raw, so it's up to you to keep the boundaries up. You sound wise: you can do this.
posted by Susan PG at 8:33 PM on September 20, 2014

Oh and you asked about your demeanour with the family. You should be aiming for "very old, very dear, friend who lives far away." As though you are a cousin who moved to another country. You have intimate shared history and all care about each other, but you're not actively involved in each other's lives any more. Don't mention your marriage at all: it just doesn't need to come up.

I haven't done this myself, but I've seen it done. This happens as we get older, and this is how it's handled gracefully.
posted by Susan PG at 8:44 PM on September 20, 2014

Your ex appears to be still a a friend and you obviously care for him. He and his Father have clearly been a big part of your recent life. Plus, you're both human and it's natural to support each other through this time.

Unless you would see this as a positive, be wary, though, about him seeing this as a way back together, so you may need to be on guard to not do anything that would suggest that to him or anyone else.
posted by dg at 12:59 AM on September 21, 2014

My ex(wife) and I had been separated for a few months, when, rather unexpectedly, my father took a rapid turn for the worse, and died suddenly. Aside from that detail, your relationship with your ex sounds very much like the kind of relationship we had. (I should mention that at the time I did not want our marriage to end, and still hoped we might get back together.)

My ex took some time off from work, and confined herself to helping out in very tangible, concrete ways - like helping my brother and me to clean out my father's apartment, accompanying us (and doing a share of the long-distance driving) on the road trip from my city to his home town, taking care of some of the funeral arrangements - and I have been grateful ever since, not only for the things she *did* do, but for the things she things she did *not* do: primarily, she never offered any support that could have been construed by me as any desire to get back together. It made a confusing time somewhat less confusing.

She didn't attend the funeral, and I was also grateful for that, because it would have been complicated and perhaps overwhelming to navigate the emotions and social awkwardness that would have arisen.

Afterwards, she remained consciously and consistently separate from me - compassionate, but not close. It was ultimately very helpful to me for her to have been thus. We eventually divorced amicably. I'm now happily remarried, and thinking about that tough time (which this thread has induced me - happily - to do) makes me remember my ex's behavior even more appreciatively.
posted by fredzo718 at 7:09 AM on September 21, 2014

Supporting him means asking to come to the funeral and wake. He'll set the boundaries.

The facts he doesn't know about the end of the relationship are immaterial now, and I get the feeling he's just looking for a word of support, nothing else.

Believe me, he's not thinking about the marriage right now.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:54 PM on September 21, 2014

Also, as someone whose parent just died and had to go through with family divorce issues related to that, yes, please let him control your level of interaction with the issue. It is not your father, it is his. He will very much need the complications of your current situation, or even your needs set aside. It is his father, not yours. He'll let you know what works.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:58 PM on September 21, 2014

Just as a sad update my Father in Law passed away today. I had taken the advice and just told my husband I'd be there if he needed anything. His Dad had actually rallied during the week to the point where things were more optimistic and my H asked me to go to the hospital. Although I didn't get to see him as he was in the ICU and it's immediate family only, H was grateful I went.

Sadly his Dad took a turn for the worse this morning and H rang me to say he had passed. Again I've told him to let me know if he needs anything and I'll follow his lead. It's a real shock for him, and me too - he was fine ten days ago and now he's gone. I have a lot of conflicting emotions but obviously that's nothing to what my husband and his family are going through. I appreciate all the replies especially from those who have been in the same situation. I am really grateful for the guidance because otherwise I'm at a bit of a loss. Thank you.
posted by outoftime at 11:13 AM on September 28, 2014