How to get over insecurities?
September 7, 2014 6:05 PM Subscribe
My anxieties and insecurities are messing with my relationship. How can I overcome them?
My partner and I have been together for just under a year and have a lot in common, get along very well, etc. I've had some trouble communicating about issues (nothing major, really, just normal issues that come up in relationships) that have arisen, probably due to a former relationship where I was belittled whenever I got sensitive about anything. To make matters worse, my ex also cheated on me. I am working through that in therapy, or trying to at least. My partner and I work in very different fields - his job is very corporate, I work in non-profits/the arts. He's told me stories about his workplace that make me uncomfortable - coworkers being too honest about personal topics, coworkers sleeping with each other. Things that would never fly in my workplace. And because of what his work is, business trips and conferences are not rare. These two things together make me especially uncomfortable. Even though, rationally, I have never had a reason to distrust him, I get anxious about these work trips. I worry if he doesn't stay in touch, even though I know that worrying doesn't help anything.
Like I said, I'm in therapy, so I am working on this. Just slower than I need to. I would really appreciate any stories or anecdotes from people who might understand where I'm coming from and might be able to talk me out of it.
Thank you
My partner and I have been together for just under a year and have a lot in common, get along very well, etc. I've had some trouble communicating about issues (nothing major, really, just normal issues that come up in relationships) that have arisen, probably due to a former relationship where I was belittled whenever I got sensitive about anything. To make matters worse, my ex also cheated on me. I am working through that in therapy, or trying to at least. My partner and I work in very different fields - his job is very corporate, I work in non-profits/the arts. He's told me stories about his workplace that make me uncomfortable - coworkers being too honest about personal topics, coworkers sleeping with each other. Things that would never fly in my workplace. And because of what his work is, business trips and conferences are not rare. These two things together make me especially uncomfortable. Even though, rationally, I have never had a reason to distrust him, I get anxious about these work trips. I worry if he doesn't stay in touch, even though I know that worrying doesn't help anything.
Like I said, I'm in therapy, so I am working on this. Just slower than I need to. I would really appreciate any stories or anecdotes from people who might understand where I'm coming from and might be able to talk me out of it.
Thank you
What comforts me is that I control nothing. If the boyfriend will cheat, the boyfriend will cheat.
There's nothing wrong with admitting you are anxious. "I'm anxious when you go on business trips. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I can be insecure sometimes." That's human and that's vulnerability and you shouldn't be afraid to say what you're feeling.
There are no guarantees and that's true with every human. He could cheat. He could remain faithful. He could stop loving you tomorrow.
Live your life, enjoy your relationship, do your best, and know that you cannot make anyone be faithful.
posted by Fairchild at 7:18 PM on September 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
There's nothing wrong with admitting you are anxious. "I'm anxious when you go on business trips. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I can be insecure sometimes." That's human and that's vulnerability and you shouldn't be afraid to say what you're feeling.
There are no guarantees and that's true with every human. He could cheat. He could remain faithful. He could stop loving you tomorrow.
Live your life, enjoy your relationship, do your best, and know that you cannot make anyone be faithful.
posted by Fairchild at 7:18 PM on September 7, 2014 [13 favorites]
It's so hard to get past these sorts of things when you've had your trust violated like your ex did. I think there are a couple of things that might help.
1-Like Fairchild says - you don't actually have control here. It's a scary thought, but also comforting in the sense that you can at least have something to remind yourself of so you can stop spiraling with anxiety. It's not your fault that your ex treated you badly and cheated on you. It's on him - squarely.
2- It's super good that you're in therapy. Keep a list of times when you feel it's hard to trust him, things that set off your worry cycle, and talk about them with your therapist. There's a lot to unpack there. Note Marie's story above about the laundromat vs. your stories about the differences in your work cultures. They are very specific things that bring on specific anxieties for a reason, and it's worth examining why. I feel no anxiety that my boyfriend might not be exactly where he said he'd be or that he might go on a business trip. It's not because I'm some sort of brave emotional relationship warrior, it's because I have no previous experience or reason to be anxious about it! Certain behaviors are going to trigger your anxieties because you were hurt badly before and it was traumatic. That's only natural, but you owe it to yourself to examine what those things are and work through them in therapy.
3- I love This Song about this very thing. Something very freeing and warm about it.
4- Consider reading a book like The Four Agreements. Finding a way to stay calm and give up anxiety and desire to control is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for your SO (and other loved ones in your life). It ain't easy - but it is good for you and it is worth it!
5- Don't get angry at yourself for your insecurities - or at your boyfriend. Try not to get angry at anyone and just observe them for what they are - insecurities brought on by a very painful experience you had, and you can get stronger and learn how to face them.
Good luck!
posted by pazazygeek at 7:40 PM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
1-Like Fairchild says - you don't actually have control here. It's a scary thought, but also comforting in the sense that you can at least have something to remind yourself of so you can stop spiraling with anxiety. It's not your fault that your ex treated you badly and cheated on you. It's on him - squarely.
2- It's super good that you're in therapy. Keep a list of times when you feel it's hard to trust him, things that set off your worry cycle, and talk about them with your therapist. There's a lot to unpack there. Note Marie's story above about the laundromat vs. your stories about the differences in your work cultures. They are very specific things that bring on specific anxieties for a reason, and it's worth examining why. I feel no anxiety that my boyfriend might not be exactly where he said he'd be or that he might go on a business trip. It's not because I'm some sort of brave emotional relationship warrior, it's because I have no previous experience or reason to be anxious about it! Certain behaviors are going to trigger your anxieties because you were hurt badly before and it was traumatic. That's only natural, but you owe it to yourself to examine what those things are and work through them in therapy.
3- I love This Song about this very thing. Something very freeing and warm about it.
4- Consider reading a book like The Four Agreements. Finding a way to stay calm and give up anxiety and desire to control is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and for your SO (and other loved ones in your life). It ain't easy - but it is good for you and it is worth it!
5- Don't get angry at yourself for your insecurities - or at your boyfriend. Try not to get angry at anyone and just observe them for what they are - insecurities brought on by a very painful experience you had, and you can get stronger and learn how to face them.
Good luck!
posted by pazazygeek at 7:40 PM on September 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
Well, I have struggled with this mightily. My ex abused me and it was pretty rough, to put it mildly. I left him about two years ago but my new relationship is really hard, even still.
A big thing for me is reminding myself that feelings are not facts. I feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me because my ex cheated and compared me to other women etc. I get afraid sometimes. Then I talk to him and say, "What'd you do last night?" and he regales me with a super-boring tale of watching television and eating a healthy dinner and stuff that's so mundane yet detailed that I know he can't be making it up.
And I breathe a sigh of relief and I think to myself, "Why did I get all upset about something that I had no basis for believing?"
So, when I feel insecure, I try to do things like:
- Write in my journal
- Talk to a friend about topics unrelated to my boyfriend
- Read a book
- Take a hot shower
- Yoga
- Breathing exercises
- Go for a walk
- Do some exercises in the Anxiety and Phobia workbook
- Knit
- Play with my cat
- Cook a delicious meal
... stuff that just helps me focus on where I am in the moment, which is not with my boyfriend, but with myself, hanging out with my very favorite friend (me, possibly also with my cat, and we can both be my favorite friend because I make the rules about that).
What I'm trying to say is this: focusing on the moment helps. Asking myself why I believe a certain thing helps. "Why do I think my boyfriend is out with another woman now?" "Because my ex would have been with another woman if he wasn't home with me." Ah. Oh. I see. Makes sense, then, but - and this is glorious - my boyfriend is not my ex. He's a much better man than my abuser ever could dream to be.
I also focus on the facts. "What are the facts?" Well, let's see. This weekend he texted me twice saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me. I saw him and we had a lovely time. It was fun and games for 26 hours straight. We laughed and did our favorite activities and enjoyed each other's company and he said some really nice things to me about how pretty I am and he did my dishes and he thanked me profusely for loaning him my car for an errand since his is on the fritz and I can go on, but I won't, because it's boring. The facts are boring. And that actually took a bit of getting used to for me, this idea of a relationship being just so lovely but also so plain and straightforward. My ex and I had nothing of the sort. It was all so much tumult and of course I'm insecure now, that kind of environment breeds insecurity.
So: be kind to yourself. Cultivate yourself and your hobbies and interests so that if nothing else you have a distraction for when you feel bad and insecure. Take care of yourself. Learn about yourself. Being insecure is difficult, but there is a path to security, and the road is a pretty fun one to travel, for the most part. Becoming more secure, for me, has been all about being just a tiny bit... selfish? ... and learning who I am, taking time to be with myself.
Take care, and all the best to you.
posted by sockermom at 8:37 PM on September 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
A big thing for me is reminding myself that feelings are not facts. I feel like my boyfriend is cheating on me because my ex cheated and compared me to other women etc. I get afraid sometimes. Then I talk to him and say, "What'd you do last night?" and he regales me with a super-boring tale of watching television and eating a healthy dinner and stuff that's so mundane yet detailed that I know he can't be making it up.
And I breathe a sigh of relief and I think to myself, "Why did I get all upset about something that I had no basis for believing?"
So, when I feel insecure, I try to do things like:
- Write in my journal
- Talk to a friend about topics unrelated to my boyfriend
- Read a book
- Take a hot shower
- Yoga
- Breathing exercises
- Go for a walk
- Do some exercises in the Anxiety and Phobia workbook
- Knit
- Play with my cat
- Cook a delicious meal
... stuff that just helps me focus on where I am in the moment, which is not with my boyfriend, but with myself, hanging out with my very favorite friend (me, possibly also with my cat, and we can both be my favorite friend because I make the rules about that).
What I'm trying to say is this: focusing on the moment helps. Asking myself why I believe a certain thing helps. "Why do I think my boyfriend is out with another woman now?" "Because my ex would have been with another woman if he wasn't home with me." Ah. Oh. I see. Makes sense, then, but - and this is glorious - my boyfriend is not my ex. He's a much better man than my abuser ever could dream to be.
I also focus on the facts. "What are the facts?" Well, let's see. This weekend he texted me twice saying how much he was looking forward to seeing me. I saw him and we had a lovely time. It was fun and games for 26 hours straight. We laughed and did our favorite activities and enjoyed each other's company and he said some really nice things to me about how pretty I am and he did my dishes and he thanked me profusely for loaning him my car for an errand since his is on the fritz and I can go on, but I won't, because it's boring. The facts are boring. And that actually took a bit of getting used to for me, this idea of a relationship being just so lovely but also so plain and straightforward. My ex and I had nothing of the sort. It was all so much tumult and of course I'm insecure now, that kind of environment breeds insecurity.
So: be kind to yourself. Cultivate yourself and your hobbies and interests so that if nothing else you have a distraction for when you feel bad and insecure. Take care of yourself. Learn about yourself. Being insecure is difficult, but there is a path to security, and the road is a pretty fun one to travel, for the most part. Becoming more secure, for me, has been all about being just a tiny bit... selfish? ... and learning who I am, taking time to be with myself.
Take care, and all the best to you.
posted by sockermom at 8:37 PM on September 7, 2014 [7 favorites]
I'm going to suggest not freaking out and letting time and experience tell you about your boyfriend.
We don't know him. Neither do you, really.
As someone above mentioned, anything could happen at anytime to any one of us.
You can not control anyone's actions.
All that said...
I'd be upset if my boyfriend or husband talked about co-workers openly cheating w/out condemning the behavior. In fact, this happened to me!
Well, it happened and my husband frowned on it. My husband's reaction was normal for the situation - once someone cheats on their SO or spouse they proudly introduced you to, it's hard to respect them when they start cheating. It calls their entire character into question...
I'd be more worried if my BF did not express hesitation about the cheaters at his workplace. Otherwise, I think you're fine.
posted by jbenben at 9:27 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
We don't know him. Neither do you, really.
As someone above mentioned, anything could happen at anytime to any one of us.
You can not control anyone's actions.
All that said...
I'd be upset if my boyfriend or husband talked about co-workers openly cheating w/out condemning the behavior. In fact, this happened to me!
Well, it happened and my husband frowned on it. My husband's reaction was normal for the situation - once someone cheats on their SO or spouse they proudly introduced you to, it's hard to respect them when they start cheating. It calls their entire character into question...
I'd be more worried if my BF did not express hesitation about the cheaters at his workplace. Otherwise, I think you're fine.
posted by jbenben at 9:27 PM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
i have similar anxiety issues, and being honest with him as well as myself has helped a lot. i used to (and sometimes still) get anxious, then feel bad about feeling that way, then beat myself up over it, and let it spiral downward. once i was able to accept my feelings as valid, i was able to talk to him about how i was feeling. i'd acknowledge its irrationality and tell him it's not anything he did, but that i nevertheless feel it. they're not right or wrong, they just are. him being understanding and supportive has helped me a lot.
also, distractions. actively distract yourself when you notice your mind going at it again. disrupt the pattern. a lot of this is brain chemistry and you just need to rewire your negative thought patterns. regular meditation may help.
posted by monologish at 11:25 AM on September 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
also, distractions. actively distract yourself when you notice your mind going at it again. disrupt the pattern. a lot of this is brain chemistry and you just need to rewire your negative thought patterns. regular meditation may help.
posted by monologish at 11:25 AM on September 8, 2014 [1 favorite]
I have pretty bad anxiety and my marriage has gone through a rough patch in the past, leading to even MORE anxiety about my relationship. One thing that has helped (in addition to the therapy) is that my husband is exceedingly patient with me and my feelings and one night we sat together and made a list of things I need to remember when I get upset. I printed the list out, laminated it and carry it in my wallet. I pull it out when I start to freak myself out (I'm really great at that) and it does help, sort of like a cognitive behavioral thought challenging thing. My list has things like:
He loves me more than anyone or anything else.
He never intentionally hurts me.
He bought me a beautiful home.
He cleans up the house when I don't feel well.
He never ever raises his voice, even when I'm yelling.
You get the idea.
posted by hollygoheavy at 7:56 AM on September 9, 2014
He loves me more than anyone or anything else.
He never intentionally hurts me.
He bought me a beautiful home.
He cleans up the house when I don't feel well.
He never ever raises his voice, even when I'm yelling.
You get the idea.
posted by hollygoheavy at 7:56 AM on September 9, 2014
I've been there before. What stopped me was realizing how unfair it was to compare a nice guy who hadn't given me a single reason not to trust him to a guy who was a liar on multiple occasions.
If you're feeling nervous, you can tell him, explain where the feeling comes from and acknowledge it with him, and let him know that it's a habit you're working on breaking. I found that worked really well with my SO at the time; he appreciated me taking responsibility, and he worked hard to show he would never be that guy.
Sometimes I still get the pangs, but MUCH less often. And when I do I might just ask about someone when I really can't help myself, and he'll just chuckle because he knows I feel embarrassed already, but will go on to be kind, answer me anyway, and calm my temporary fear.
It'll get easier as time goes on :)
posted by sandj2014 at 5:21 PM on September 9, 2014
If you're feeling nervous, you can tell him, explain where the feeling comes from and acknowledge it with him, and let him know that it's a habit you're working on breaking. I found that worked really well with my SO at the time; he appreciated me taking responsibility, and he worked hard to show he would never be that guy.
Sometimes I still get the pangs, but MUCH less often. And when I do I might just ask about someone when I really can't help myself, and he'll just chuckle because he knows I feel embarrassed already, but will go on to be kind, answer me anyway, and calm my temporary fear.
It'll get easier as time goes on :)
posted by sandj2014 at 5:21 PM on September 9, 2014
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Ah-HA! I said! You are not where you said you would be!!!
He wasn't. He was at Wendy's, getting a chicken sandwich.
It took a long time for me to realize that he really didn't look at other women with an eye to cheat (as my ex had). His thinking was food or work-oriented. He didn't have a devious bone in his body.
So your current man is not your former man. They are two different people. And not all men are jerks. I still had and do have problems with my husband, but now it's more based on affection and "you always do this!" and "ha-ha" stuff, but not deal breaking stuff, more like how he drives or how I freak out over his slobbiness. Then he apologizes or makes fun of me (depending) and holds out his hand for me to slap.
What really works for me, is that my husband repeatedly tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He does little things for me, going to the store, feeding the cats late at night (or early morning), takes out the trash, leaves me notes, holds my hand when we are watching TV. Calls me from work to talk to me. Maybe you could tell your guy that it's really important to you to have that sort of communication. We had a bunch of rough spots, and my husband admits he was a newcomer to relationships, but willing to learn, so see how it works for you. But I totally understand the feeling. It sucks, but you have to trust someone, until they prove otherwise.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 7:16 PM on September 7, 2014 [4 favorites]