BDSMfilter: munches, play parties, and social anxiety
July 14, 2014 4:35 PM Subscribe
How can an shy, inexperienced kinkster approach potential play partners without being too pushy or creepy?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (5 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
I’m a middle-aged kinky guy. I grew up in the pre-Internet era, and spent many years being ashamed of my desires, unaware that there was a whole community of people actually living fulfilled lives and doing all these things I’ve always dreamed of. In the last few years I’ve been making an on-again, off-again effort to introduce myself to my local BDSM community. I’ve been getting out to munches fairly regularly, and have met some wonderful and welcoming people. What I haven’t managed to do, though, is find someone to play with. As a male bottom, I’m only too aware of the miserable reputation people like me have in the community -- the FetLife femdom groups are full of dominant women bemoaning the preponderance of “do-me subs” who just want to get their kink on. So I err on the side of not being that guy. The thing is... I kinda do want to get my kink on! I go to these munches and hear all the exciting stories of the amazing scenes everyone got into at the last play party, and I feel frustrated that I can’t seem to get past the “meet-and-greet” stage. Everyone already seems to have plenty of people to play with, and as someone with very little actual bottoming experience, I don’t even know what I can offer that they don’t already have. It doesn’t help that I have massive social anxiety, and overthink every interaction to the point that I’m convinced the slightest misstep will forever brand me as just another creeper looking for a “fetish delivery service”. I get that it’s bad form to go on and on about your kinks and nothing else, but obviously people in this life do have sexy fun playtime sometimes, and I assume they didn’t get to that place by just talking about the weather.
So, I guess my question is, how can I be more proactive about respectfully asking for what I want? If I have a nice conversation with someone at a munch, and befriend them on FetLife, is it appropriate to then message them about the possibility of playing together (assuming their interests seem to match up with mine)? Or is it better to wait a bit longer before even bringing up the subject? So far, my approach of standing around at munches hoping for a connection to miraculously happen doesn’t seem to be working, so I’m hoping the kinksters of MeFi can help point me in the right direction. Thanks!