Anxious like a mofo over new relationship. Please help prevent me from sabotaging!
April 8, 2011 12:47 PM Subscribe
Anxiety over new relationship is killing me. Help me to stop it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
I've been dating this guy I met on an online dating site for 2 months. Everything seems to be going well - I like him, he likes me, we have great sex, he says I'm awesome, I think he's awesome.
The problem is that I am SO INCREDIBLY ANXIOUS from the time the last date ends until the next one begins. Yeah, so I have a problem with anxiety, that's for sure. Normally it's pretty well controlled, but whenever I get into a dating situation, one that I hope will work out, I get extremely anxious and spend a lot of time ruminating about what I might have done wrong on the last date, analyzing what he says, wondering when he's going to call/email next, wondering if I've emailed called too much or not enough, and basically torturing myself into a stress filled human form.
What is it about new relationships that makes me so anxious? And is this only me or have others experienced this horrific anxiety rollercoaster? Part of my issue is that I don't have the best relationship experiences with men to build on. I had a really emotionally abusive father, and then my first real relationship was a physically abusive one, and then there was a lot of latching on to men who weren't available emotionally. So part of me worries that I might be doing it again with this guy, that I might end up getting hurt, and before I get to the hurt part, I torture myself non-stop with the anxious thoughts.
Oh, and here's the biggest anxiety-provoker - since we met online, both of us still have our accounts public. We haven't had any exclusivity talk, I think it's still too early, but I logged in a couple of weeks ago for the first time in weeks and noticed that he was logged on. I logged on again in the following days (with my sockpuppet dating account) and saw that he was continuing to log in. So although I'm not looking to date or have sex with anyone else right now (you know, the whole release of oxytocin thing seems to be making me feel attached to him), I am also not quite ready for the whole exclusive talk. It appears that he's actively looking on the site, and that is amping the anxiety that eventually he'll just meet someone else who he likes better, and I will have gone along for a few months having great sex and getting all emotionally attached just to get dumped in the end. So what in god's name does a woman do? BTW, if it's relevant, I'm in my early thirties and in therapy. Therapist suggests I "sit with my feelings" as if that's so easy. Most days I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.
Oh, and just fyi, I think he'd likely be very surprised to hear all of this anxiety exists on my end. We have a great time on our dates, it's just the not knowing that exists between dates that eats away at me.
Thoughts? Strategies? Tips? Am I just crazy? throwaway gmail account is email@example.com