How can I get my life in order
April 11, 2014 8:24 AM Subscribe
I'm currently 21 years old (female). I live at home with my dad and his girlfriend of 17 years. I work two jobs (one at a sandwich shop I've been at for 5 years and another at a coffee shop I've been at for 7 months). I also attend community college and this is my third year there, I will have my associates degree at the end of summer in general studies, I want to transfer to a state university in my area but don't even know what I want to go for.
posted by anon1129 to Human Relations (12 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
There are a lot of things about my life that I don't like. First off my family relationships. My parents weren't together when I was born, apparently both me and my sister who is ten years older were accidents. My mom is severely mentally ill with schizophrenia, she only has a fifth grade education and is on disability. She was in and out of mental hospitals when I was a kid, I only lived with her for the first year of my life until my sister came over and found out she was extremely ill, couldn't take care of me. She was also an alcoholic and would get drunk when I visited her on the weekends, and get extremely angry and just start shouting about stuff and how horrible my dad and stepmom were. I lived with my dad and his girlfriend who moved in when I was four with her two kids. My dad was very uninvolved, even told me that I pretty much raised myself and don't really have a family here. I didn't get along with my stepmom or her kids. Flash forward to today. I feel resentful of my parents. I haven't talked to my mom in a year as she is very emotionally abusive. My dad tries to talk to me sometimes just asking what I'm doing and I want to cultivate a good relationship with him but I just feel so angry towards him. He asks me what I'm doing today and I jut get snappy with him. My stepmom is cold towards me, but when he kids come over she is all very loving towards them. Her kids have moved out, they're 21 and 19, the 19 year old has a baby and both of them aren't in college or anything but support themselves mostly. I would really like to have positive relationships with my family but I just feel like they bing out the worst in me
Second my mental health. I feel like basically my whole life I've had depression. I also have social anxiety. I feel like I don't have any self esteem, I feel hopeless about the future. I keep thinking lately that if maybe I would have tried to be a better daughter, tried being more social and making friends in school I would be better off, but I know those are useless thoughts. When I'm home I'm basically in my room all the time, on my phone on the internet. I didn't care to wake up for my 8am class so I had to withdraw from it. I want to sleep all the time. I work out a few days a week and that helps some. I just keep falling back into the same old patterns and it depresses me, like why should it ever be different. I overthink things way too much but don't know how to break the habit
I have a boyfriend of five years. He really tries to support me and does a pretty good job of it, his family is so good and nice to me. I just keep thinking he deserves better than me, I haven't told him that I withdrew from a class because I wasn't showing up, he doesn't know that I just sit in my room all day in bed when we don't hang out, I feel too ashamed for him to know that. He is one year away from graduating as a pharmacist. I'm so proud of him and he's great, but I feel so much lesser than him and we will probably be moving in together when he graduates. I don't even know hat I want to major in, my da thinks college is a waste of money. I keep getting so stressed out about the future that I have headaches and throw up. I know there's a better person inside me, I jut need to pick something to study and do it. I haven't done to well so far in college, I have a 2.something, I know I'm capable of so much better.
I just feel really lost in life and don't know how to permanently get over my struggles. There has to be a way. I hate feeling so worthless.