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The Thin Line Between Preference and Prejudice
March 28, 2014 1:18 PM   Subscribe

I think I don't like performing oral sex on my girlfriend anymore because she's gained a bit of weight. What do I do here?

I love giving oral sex. When I am dating someone regularly, I perform it about 2-3 times per day depending upon the type of access I have to them during the day. My girlfriends have loved it. Who wouldn't love this?

I've been dating someone for a little under a year now. We went at it like rabbits in the beginning. I was going down on her no less than 5 times a day. Over the last few months she's gained about 30 pounds because of a change in lifestyle (more sedentary role at work, and she has free access to gourmet food in its cafeteria). When she started complaining to me about her clothes not fitting, I brought up her weight gain. She told me that she's ok with it, the most annoying aspect being that she now has to shop for new clothes. Fast forward a few weeks later and I just could not go down on her. In the days prior, I had been thinking how it want even pleasurable for me anymore. Then I just couldn't do it.

It's been almost 10 days since I have gone down on her. Nobody has brought anything up, but she's kinda on edge and so am I. Other people have mentioned it to us, and that was my wake up call, hence the post. What do I do? Should I just buck up and keep trying it, even though I am kind of disgusted by how unattractive her areas are to me now? Should I just stop? How do I broach the subject and say something that doesn't make me look like an asshole? I'm being the asshole here, right?

Oh, and I've thought about what I would do if the problem was age rather than weight. What am I going to do when she's in her 40's, 50's...I thought hard about this and figured it would be gradual. We'd both also lose our libidos slowly; it wouldn't be a complete abrupt stop. I still want to be with her. I just don't want to go down on her anymore. If that isn't a part of our relationship anymore, that's ok with me. I want to be with her even if I never get to taste her again. I'm just wondering how she's going to feel and what she's going to say when it finally hits her that I'm not servicing her anymore like I used to.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Should I just buck up and keep trying it, even though I am kind of disgusted by how unattractive her areas are to me now?

No, you should break up with her. She deserves someone who does not find her disgusting and unattractive.

Seriously, if she read this and knew it was from you, how would she feel?
posted by mochapickle at 1:24 PM on March 28 [94 favorites]


Who wouldn't love this?

Since you asked, many women, but it's totally irrelevant to your question anyway.

I have to tell you I suspect this is largely in your head. A 30 lb weight gain would not make an appreciable difference in a woman's genitals. (And I assume genitals is what you mean by "areas" here.)
posted by DarlingBri at 1:24 PM on March 28 [88 favorites]


If you're no longer attracted to your girlfriend, I think it behooves you to break up with her.

This is prime "it's not you, it's me" territory. Do not tell her you're not attracted to her anymore because she's put on weight. Just... move on.
posted by Sara C. at 1:27 PM on March 28 [16 favorites]


Your basic question is a bit odd. Human attraction is pretty arbitrary, you can't consciously force yourself to find something attractive if you naturally find it unattractive. You need to break up and find someone who you're sexually compatible enough to not feel the need to post about it on the internet.
posted by jedrek at 1:27 PM on March 28 [9 favorites]


You need to be able to love your partner unconditionally. What would happen if she were in an accident and lost a limb, or had an illness that caused her to gain weight and lose her hair? In marriage vows this is "in sickness and in health".

You are not committed to this woman. Not really.

Also, who knows how you've changed in the same time period. Have you gained weight, changed colognes, showered less? There are things you do that probably put her off, but she's willing to overlook it because she loves you.

Break up, she deserves better.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:28 PM on March 28 [7 favorites]


30 lbs in just a few months??

This is not because of the newly-installed grand buffet at her work - this sounds like a medical condition. Pause the "talk"
Doctor visit first!
posted by Kruger5 at 1:29 PM on March 28 [13 favorites]


As somebody who had an eating disorder, I beg you to break up with this woman. If you are kind, tell her you have undefined issues that make you not ready to date.
posted by angrycat at 1:31 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]


I agree with everyone else. I don't know anyone who would want to be on the receiving end of oral anywhere near that amount, and her weight should not matter to you. If it does, you need to break up with her and find someone who doesn't care what size she is.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:32 PM on March 28 [25 favorites]


I don't think you're an asshole or a terrible person to want what you want. A gain of thirty pounds in the span of a few months is fairly dramatic and she'd look pretty different from the way she did when you started dating, especially depending on her height.

And I'm someone who thinks that, within reason, we kind of have an obligation in relationships to make a good-faith effort to keep being what the other person signed up for, within reason. So under other circumstances, I'd say sure, maybe try to find a tactful way to bring it up.

But in these circumstances, that conversation has already happened. She's already stated definitively that her weight is not a problem from where she sits, so if she's not interested in changing that for herself, there's no reason she should change for you.

I kind of think your options are limited here. Either break up, or just remove oral from your repertoire, but I don't really see an upside to bringing it up with her. Telling someone you're not as attracted to them because of weight gain is like telling someone you don't really like their band - no matter how good your intentions, there's just no way for it to not go terribly.

Ultimately, if only because of the language here - disgusted, unattractive, etc - I personally would go with the breaking up option. This isn't going to change the way you want it to. And as stated above, don't cite her weight when breaking up.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:43 PM on March 28 [18 favorites]


How do I broach the subject and say something that doesn't make me look like an asshole? I'm being the asshole here, right?

Nah, you're not being an asshole, it's your personal taste, no pun intended.

You should definitely talk about this, but make it a focus on you and how you're having a problem with her recent weight gain. Use "I" statements, such as "I'm having difficulty adjusting to your weight gain" rather than suggesting its her problem.

Look, there's a good chance this will upset her. That's ok, in the sense that issue is on the table and perhaps a solution can be found that mkes you both happy. But there's no guarantee this'll happen. No one likes to rejected, so be mindful of her feelings and how this will probably hurt her.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:45 PM on March 28 [3 favorites]


What do I do? Should I just buck up and keep trying it, even though I am kind of disgusted by how unattractive her areas are to me now? Should I just stop? How do I broach the subject and say something that doesn't make me look like an asshole? I'm being the asshole here, right?

I think you're just being the asshole here, yes. Because unless she gained all 30 of the pounds in her labia, there shouldn't be any difference in her "area" that I can imagine you would notice, and instead you're just generally not attracted to her on a subconscious level because of her overall weight gain.

Which isn't fair to her. She is a whole package. And I would think long and hard about how true it is that you "really want to be with her", and whether you aren't instead trying to subconsciously compartmentalize your feelings to just one part so you don't have to feel like a bad guy.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:46 PM on March 28 [26 favorites]


Nthing that that is way too much oral for the average woman, and she was probably tired of keeping up with your expectations. She might be happy that this weight gain has had the effect of dampening your enthusiasm, to be honest. And since she has no problems with her weight gain, then it's time for you to decide whether this is a deal-breaker or not.
posted by greta simone at 1:47 PM on March 28 [33 favorites]


I think this is kind of whack, to be honest. Eventually, yes, she will be old and probably gain more weight (depending on genetics) and we all get ugly as hell. And old people still have libidos, so you won't get a "get out of sex with this old, fat woman free" card. If you love her and you can still have sex with her, just not oral, I would say stay and when she asks just say your tastes have changed. If this weight gain is a dealbreaker and your feelings have completely changed, let her go.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:50 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]


I say that as someone who has dated fat people and skinny people and doesn't really get the "you have an obligation to diet once you start getting fat" relationship clause.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:51 PM on March 28 [6 favorites]


Oh, and another thing:

What am I going to do when she's in her 40's, 50's...I thought hard about this and figured it would be gradual. We'd both also lose our libidos slowly; it wouldn't be a complete abrupt stop.

Speaking as someone currently in their 40's who is also dating someone in his 40's, your libidos don't necessarily "slow down" as you age.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:55 PM on March 28 [39 favorites]


EmpressCallipygos mentioned: ... unless she gained all 30 of the pounds in her labia, there shouldn't be any difference in her "area" that I can imagine you would notice

I've been with mrs.straw through thick and thin and somewhere in between, and, yeah, around a particular threshold 10-20 lbs overall can make a huge difference in mouth feel of labia.

So, yeah, preferences and feelings and whatever, these are issues you are going to have to address eventually with a relationship, whether it's this relationship or others, but my tongue can feel the difference. Doesn't stop me from going down, but it is noticeable.
posted by straw at 2:05 PM on March 28 [6 favorites]


You're allowed to stop giving her oral sex, just as she is allowed to gain 30 pounds and feel perfectly okay with it.

I think what people are having trouble with is how disgusted you are at this. Generally, you don't ever want to feel disgusted with your partners in any sort of way (and still stay with them).

And people's bodies change, for a variety of reasons. If she were to ever get pregnant, that would be a huge change, both during and after. Your own body might change, due to age or illness or whatever. Even if she were to lose the weight, she could very well gain it back again. If your attraction to her is hinged solely on this factor, there will be lots of unpleasant fluctuations in your relationship.

That's why people are packages, and we must evaluate them as such.

And I can appreciate that you still want to stay with her and that it must feel like some sort of sacrifice to stop giving oral sex since you love it so much. And maybe she'll even be okay with this and you'll go on about your lives, but what if she gains another 10 or 15 and you are now unwilling to have penetrative sex?

I mean, of course everyone draws the line somewhere. Physically, we were initially attracted to our partners when they looked a certain way, and at some point, if their bodies have changed dramatically, they may move outside of our "attraction zone." So I think you should have a talk with her and be honest but kind about it. I think a healthy relationship involves both people taking care of themselves for the other person.

It is a tough issue for sure, and I can sympathize with you. I honestly don't know how I would handle something like this. There's the logical, obvious side to it which is to be kind and loving always, but we all know attraction can't be forced.
posted by madonna of the unloved at 2:16 PM on March 28 [9 favorites]


Her weight gain sounds like a medical problem. Has she started any new meds recently?

Anywho

Yep. It is time to break up. She has better things to do then spend time with someone who is no longer turned on by her.

What makes you think she'd want to stay with you without feelings of mutual attraction?

It doesn't seem that you relate to this woman (or women in general, TBH) as an independent individuals in the same way you think of yourself. There's something "off" in the way you talk about relationships and sex. Wish I could be more specific.

I guess what I'm saying is that when you give the whole, "It's me/not you" speech, it will be true.

People don't gain 30 lbs that quickly, in general, because everything is OK with them. That this is less about her wellbeing and more about your desires regarding oral sex is the giant neon flag of break ups.

It's OK to move on. Your goals and interests are very likely not aligned and you should end it.

Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:18 PM on March 28 [10 favorites]


Other people have mentioned it to us, and that was my wake up call, hence the post.

Perhaps it would be constructive to think about how much the opinions of these people matter to you, and if you were satisfied before it was brought up by others. Are you feeling some embarrassment?

And for that matter: What kinds of people would mention it to you? Under what circumstances? That just seems odd to me.

And finally: "no less than 5 times a day" is a lot. Where did you find the time? Did she really enjoy it that much?

There is definitely something that seems "off" here.
posted by magdalemon at 2:24 PM on March 28 [20 favorites]


I don't understand everyone who's telling you to break up with this person. Attraction, libidos, preferences, and weights will change throughout a relationship. If you have no issue with your change in preferences vis-a-vis delivering oral pleasure, you only need to talk about it if she has an issue with it. In that discussion I would urge you to avoid bringing the appearance of her 'parts' up.

I would be more concerned about the rapid weight gain from a health perspective; 30 lbs in a few months is a lot. Unless is very tall or was already obese, it means she gained > 15% of her total bodyweight in under a year. It might be worth a trip to the doc to make sure everything's ok.
posted by sid at 2:31 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]


I'm just wondering how she's going to feel and what she's going to say when it finally hits her that I'm not servicing her anymore like I used to.

Once my brain stopped recoiling from your use of "servicing", here is what it came up with:

You aren't responsible for your girlfriend's reactions if/when you have a discussion about this. If she brings it up, I think honesty is your only option here. No need to be cruel about it, but it's perfectly fine to be truthful.

A 30 lb gain is significant, and yes, that amount of weight can easily have a very noticeable impact in the crotchety-crotch area. To some men (perhaps you are one), this can be a dealbreaker. Other men would have zero problem with it. That doesn't make you a bad guy or an asshole.
posted by nacho fries at 2:37 PM on March 28 [6 favorites]


Over the last few months she's gained about 30 pounds

What are the chances she went on the pill or had her prescription changed about that time? 30 pounds in a few months is startling. It happened to me, and I was already so insane and depressed from the pill that I was all pfft don't care doesn't matter I wish I was dead anyway.

So, that might be an important thing to stick a flag in.

But if you can't stand any change in her appearance, then don't. Be on your way. You will probably eventually meet someone who you can still be attracted to as she ages, maybe has your children, goes through stuff in her life, or a vampire who won't change.

(I do not know a woman for whom 5 sessions of oral sex a day would be physically feasible without some sort of damage or chronic vaginal irritation, so it's possible that her health is also suffering from this situation.)
posted by Lyn Never at 2:43 PM on March 28 [10 favorites]


I feel bad about my initial RAR reaction here, and feel like I should add:

If you are a guy who desires a huge amount of oral sex with thin women, go for it. Let your freak flag fly proudly. There may be a perpetually thin woman who could imagine five times per day of going down without her vulva contracting in fear. Find her and be happy.

But! As to the question of assholery: If you were to say, yes, I want the perpetually thin cunnilingus-mad woman, and I am going to try to make my current girlfriend into that: that would be +2000 negative karma points, or in other words, The Asshole Crown. Whether you call her disgusting or you get her to the doctor because, hell, you want to go down more often (and not because you are concerned for her), you would win the grand prize of an Asshole.
posted by angrycat at 2:47 PM on March 28 [10 favorites]


These two statements don't jibe:
I love giving oral sex. When I am dating someone regularly, I perform it about 2-3 times per day depending upon the type of access I have to them during the day. My girlfriends have loved it. Who wouldn't love this?
I just don't want to go down on her anymore. If that isn't a part of our relationship anymore, that's ok with me. I want to be with her even if I never get to taste her again. I'm just wondering how she's going to feel and what she's going to say when it finally hits her that I'm not servicing her anymore like I used to.

I don't quite know what you are asking here to begin with and I think that's in part because you don't see that you did oral because you like oral, not to "service" her (or anyone else). And if you like it in part because you see it as "servicing," that is still a preference that you need to own up to -- to yourself, not to anyone else. Pretending that you did this for her is not realistic.

You are getting a fair amount of grar feedback letting you know that plenty of women would not want to receive that much oral. I think you need to stop and do some soul searching here so that you can figure out what your question actually is. Because I don't think you know what you want and need to ask.

I will note that your question reads as pretty oblivious to her needs and wants. A lot of men are oblivious. (I am not saying women are necessarily better. Let's not go there, thanks.) To make a relationship work, both sides need to have reason to be there. It can't be just all about what you want.

If you really want to know how she feels and what she is going to say -- which is your closing line -- we can't tell you that. You can only find that out by talking to her, which you are kind of chickening out on doing by posting an anonymous ask. This is consistent with my points above -- that you really don't seem to have much of a relationship to her, actually.

The way to get over this shallow point of view that her weight and age and whatever are the most important things to your ability to feel turned on is to have an actual intimate relationship to her. So you need to go talk to her. That is how you get intimacy. And if it dies, at least you grew. I don't think you should dump her over this. That only paints you into a corner of not ever growing in your capacity to relate more deeply to someone you are sleeping with. But you should have a good heart to heart with her, knowing that might lead to her dumping you. You are basically trying to retain all the control here by deciding things unilaterally, consulting outsiders rather than talking to her, etc. That needs to stop if you want to ever know love.
posted by Michele in California at 3:00 PM on March 28 [22 favorites]


As usual, I'll be the sole commentator saying that it's reasonable to feel less attracted to your partner after a 30 pound weight gain. Sorry guys, that's a lot. That's not 5 pounds. That's extreme for one year.

It is super, super sensitive. I don't have great advice about how to broach the topic. I'm just saying, if you need one person to tell you that you're not a huge asshole, here I am.
posted by namesarehard at 3:00 PM on March 28 [18 favorites]


I'm being the asshole here, right?

No, you're not (so far). Having preferences does not make you an asshole.

As for what to do...this is a tricky one. I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a partner who found any part of me - especially my lady bits - disgusting and unattractive. So that part of me encourages you to break up with her to save her any future heartbreak. On the other hand, if you truly love her and are attracted to her in every other way but this one, I think you could make it work by simply cutting the oral.

I'm just wondering how she's going to feel and what she's going to say when it finally hits her that I'm not servicing her anymore like I used to.

If she asks about the lack of oral sex, you have to be honest with her, but you can do that gently. Frame it from a place of concern rather than disgust, use neutral language, and remind her how much you love her.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:03 PM on March 28 [2 favorites]


Having preferences does not make you an asshole.

Yes, but saying "I am kind of disgusted by how unattractive her areas are to me now..." That's what makes you a jerk. That's certainly what I reacted to. People have the right to be attracted to whatever they like, but saying someone is disgusting? That's hateful.

I think this thread would have gone a lot differently if you'd mentioned how smart or kind or funny she was and said that you'd been considering long-term plans but were worried that the attraction had faded a bit. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

Maybe you're constantly fooling around because you're not connecting in other, more meaningful ways.
posted by mochapickle at 3:18 PM on March 28 [5 favorites]


Does "not interested in going down on her" basically map to "not sexually attracted to her"? Because that would change your convoluted question to a simple one: should I break up with my girlfriend of under a year, to whom I am no longer sexually attracted since she got fat? And the answer would be: yes, for your sake and hers.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:33 PM on March 28 [8 favorites]


Are you still sexually attracted to her? Most people seem to be assuming you are no longer attracted to her but I don't see you say that anywhere in the post. This seems like a very specific question about performing oral sex on her. How is the rest of your sex life? Is it still fulfilling for both of you?

Also, it's so hard to tell what she may or may not be feeling about any of this since you give no information about it aside from that you two might be on edge. You know she does not feel bad about herself due to the weight gain which seems a good thing (though I agree with others that this seems a health issue), but what about the change in sexual habits? Of course never tell her you are now disgusted by the thought of performing oral sex on her, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to break up with her, especially if you don't know what she's experiencing it and you still want to be with her long term (as it seems you do). I think there are many people who would experience a change in attraction if their partner's appearance changed so quickly. It seems like a large part of the problem is the extremeness of the situation. You went from going down on her 5 times a day to not once in 10 days. Most people's sex lives change but not so quickly that it puts pressure on making explicit a reduced attraction. But I definitely don't think you should force yourself. It's never right to force oneself to perform a sexual act you don't want to.
posted by Blitz at 3:36 PM on March 28


What am I going to do when she's in her 40's, 50's...I thought hard about this and figured it would be gradual. We'd both also lose our libidos slowly; it wouldn't be a complete abrupt stop.

Yeahhhh... that isn't how sex and people work, generally speaking. What was your plan for when you want to cash in your "never having sex again, you're old" card and she's still rarin' to go?

And, I am not saying nobody EVER does that "imagine you and your partner are old together" scenario, but most people don't sit around mapping out a mental graph of "partner is aging" vs "declining libido" to figure out when you can stop having sex with the person you love.

I think you gotta end things with your lady and get yourself right with exactly what it is you're trying to do in a relationship. Because 1) you're like 2 steps away from REALLY hurting this woman you claim to care about, and 2) I feel like you've resigned yourself to a pretty narrow dimension of sex and physical attraction, which you KNOW is unsustainable, but instead of trying to work out a sustainable sex life you're just planning its funeral.

I've been trying to work out what rubbed me so wrong about your question and I think that's what it is...it just has "control" and "anxiety" written alllllll over it, especially in all of the protest-too-much language about your super amazing hawt times nonstop chowdowns. This real fun super awesome thing doesn't actually sound FUN coming from you--it sounds compulsive.


PS no reason to assume the OP is male, unless I'm missing something in the post.
posted by like_a_friend at 3:47 PM on March 28 [16 favorites]


saying someone is disgusting? That's hateful.

Not quite. Telling someone that he or she is disgusting, yes, is indeed hateful. That's not what's happening. The OP is saying to a group of strangers, anonymously and in the context of asking for personal advice, that he feels disgusted. There are situations where it's perfectly appropriate to be honest about your feelings, even feelings that would be hurtful if told to a person directly. This is one of those situations. You're not a jerk for talking about your feelings, OP. If you feel disgusted, so be it. That's how you feel, and it's what you need to deal with. It's why you're asking for advice.

However, this is a key distinction, between saying something in AskMetaFilter versus telling it to her. Don't cross that line the other way. Do not tell her that you feel disgusted.

There's an old piece of advice: a person will never forget anything you say about their physical appearance. I would suggest you keep that in mind if you decide to talk to her about this. Maybe your relationship will continue, maybe it won't. Let that be a factor in deciding whether this is necessary to talk with her about. And if you do decide to have the conversation, make sure you can find a way to do it without saying things that will stay with her for a very long time afterward. Do not sacrifice kindness for honesty, here. Kindness is more important.
posted by cribcage at 3:47 PM on March 28 [14 favorites]


If that isn't a part of our relationship anymore, that's ok with me. I want to be with her even if I never get to taste her again. I'm just wondering how she's going to feel and what she's going to say when it finally hits her that I'm not servicing her anymore like I used to.

I would guess she is feeling relieved.

If it's really OK with you that you aren't going to have oral sex with her anymore, then I would say to continue as you are and not mention anything.

Are you disgusted by the rest of her body or is it just one part? If you are still attracted to her otherwise, then again I would say to continue as you are and not mention anything.

On the other hand, your question is really striking and makes me wonder if you should be in a serious relationship at this point in your life. It sounds like you might be at the point in your life where sex is more important to you than finding a life partner. That's OK, but is your girlfriend on the same page?
posted by parakeetdog at 4:19 PM on March 28


[Couple comments deleted. Please don't debate other answerers. At the same time, JudgeMe answers are not great - please direct your answers to the OP and please aim for "constructive and helpful."]
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:34 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]


I think you need to look at what attractiveness means to you. Like does sexual/physical attraction really equate to long term happiness for you? I'm personally much more attracted to my partners personalty more than her body (though I love her body too). If my partner turned butt ugly overnight I would still have so much satisfaction with our overall relationship.

Also part of the problem may be related to time spent with your partner. You're now spending much less time doing an activity. What are you doing instead? When my partners habits suddenly change I am anxious and feel like something is horribly wrong. I think she's noticed the change but can't figure out why so she hasn't said anything.

Also, there are other sexual activities. For me I hate oral sex. I'm a lesbian so obviously this has been noticed. But we work around it and we are compatible sexually. Maybe you can experiment if your not wanting to end the relationship.

Ultimately no matter who you are with people's bodies will change and so will yours. Reacting to that change and determining what you value is part of the key to long term success in a relationship.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:06 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]


I think there's a big difference between gaining thirty pounds in a few months and gaining thirty pounds through the gradual ravages of time or through a clear, inciting event. In sickness and in health, but honestly, if I were dating someone who gained a lot of weight for no particularly compelling reason and then was like, "Eh, whatever," I'd be pretty turned off, too.

I think it might be helpful to consider the fact that there are a lot of men who would be super into your girlfriend as she is now, or heavier, and while it's unfortunate that you are not among them, she doesn't need to settle for sex with someone who isn't that attracted to her. She has options. You have options.

I was going down on her no less than 5 times a day.

I would personally be relieved if this came to an end - maybe your girlfriend feels the same? That sounds like a UTI waiting to happen. There's a fine line between guys who are generous lovers and guys who are like, "Look at me! I like to eat pussy!"

In other words, you might be overestimating the value of the frequency of the, ahem, service you used to provide.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:25 PM on March 28 [12 favorites]


I'm confused about how her weight gain changes your opinion of oral sex in particular, as opposed to other sex acts. You don't mention feeling less attracted to her during intercourse.. is it because you still find her face attractive, but no longer enjoy a close-up view of her pubic area and inner thighs since her body has changed? Clarifying what exactly is bothering you might lead to you getting more helpful answers.

I can think of a couple of reasons why your girlfriend might be okay with the status quo: firstly, as many other commenters have mentioned, 2-5 times a day is a little extreme for most women. Secondly, it's very possible that she's not as comfortable with her extra weight as she has led you to believe, and that the experience of receiving oral has changed for the worse for her, too (perhaps, in part, because she can tell your enthusiasm has waned, and it's hard to enjoy receiving oral from someone who isn't an enthusiastic participant).
posted by Pizzarina Sbarro at 7:28 PM on March 28


Is her weight gain okay for her because she was underweight before? I'm only bringing that up because I feel like a lot of posters are assuming she went from regular to obese and are answering based on that... For me at least if she went from underweight to normal (which might explain why she's not reacting like its a medical emergency) your not wanting to go down on her vibes really differently.
posted by spunweb at 8:48 PM on March 28 [3 favorites]


It doesn't seem that you relate to this woman (or women in general, TBH)

There's no reason to think the person asking the question might not be a woman themselves, is there?

To go from 5x a day to nothing for a week and a half seems pretty abrupt. Have you replaced one form of sex with another? or just cut out this form of sex? If your primary sexual relation was oral sex and you're now not having any, then it seems pretty vital that you talk about the problem. (If you still have an active sex life that is satisfactory for you both, that's a bit different...)

As for you being "the asshole" - well, weight gain isn't a necessity, and 30lbs can be a lot. It's not so unusual for a couple to go through rough patches over physical change or disagreement about the importance of fitness & diet. Just start the conversation, instead of worrying about what you should be feeling. You'll either work it out or you won't, but it clearly needs to be addressed.
posted by mdn at 9:34 PM on March 28 [1 favorite]


Here's the news: You're scared shitless that she's put on that weight, in that short amount of time. (Reality check: It surely is a short amount of time.) And that she's buying new clothes to fit this new body she's growing. Those new clothes clearly state that this isn't a frightening swerve off the road that's got her paying more attn to her driving but rather a change of direction; in fact, she's driving down a different road. And it's not a road you want to ride with her.

And you can't tell her, because there's so much good going on here in this relationship, aside from this weight gain that's scaring you so. Plus you think that everybody else will think you're a scrote if you decide to head out the door because she's put on that weight. So you can't tell her, not straight up. Instead, you're telling her by backing off: "Hey there Sweetie, you gain weight, me and my tongue are going to leave the building. In fact, my tongue is already gone!"

Because you can't talk about it straight up, you're punishing her. Or at least you think you are -- for all we know, she might be punishing *you* for licking her nethers raw, while she's wanting to watch TV, or play Parcheesi. I'm not saying that either of you are doing this consciously. But I damn sure am saying you're doing it intentionally, you or her or both of you -- just because you're not consciously aware that you're doing or saying something doesn't mean that you're not doing it or saying it with all of your might.

~~~~

You've definitely got one thing dead right: the tongue is the most important sex organ you've got. You know, when you use it for talking to her about stuff. And when she uses hers for talking to you about stuff.

~~~~

Vaya con dios, my darling / vaya con dios, my love.

Neat song, isn't it?

Except that people generally aren't singing to each other as they wave each other goodbye.

Breaking up is hard to do. They write songs about it. I'm not sure which sucks worse, the breaking up or the songs about it, which are a knife to my heart when I'm in it.

~~~~

You're angry at her. You're angry at yourself for being angry at her. You're scared at this road she's on, you're scared she's intending to keep traveling it, you're scared of letting her go off on that road and leave you standing next to it, gaily waving you goodbye in the rear-view.

~~~~

I don't think you're an asshole. I don't think you're a jerk. I think you just need to look in the mirror, dead on, and tell yourself the truth: You don't want to be with a woman who is overweight. If she even is overweight. But regardless she is or not you're wanting to haul ass.

And you just don't want to face it. And I don't blame you.

Rock > You are here. < Hard Place

~~~~

I'm sure she's a wonderful woman, I'd bet dollars to dimes you love the shit out of her. But you're going to make her and yourself miserable until you walk. You can go to therapy behind this, you can spend a year making some therapists Volvo payments getting these words to come out of your mouth: "I don't want to be here. We're not lovers anymore; we're friends, friends with a history. I love her. I wish I wanted to be here. But I don't. "

Good luck.
posted by dancestoblue at 12:39 AM on March 29 [2 favorites]


You're allowed to be attracted to whatever you are attracted to. On the opposite side, you're allowed for things that don't attract you to not attract you. I'm a fat guy. Some people don't dig that. That's not a fault of them and it's not a fault on me. It just is.

So break up with her. Tell her that your feelings have changed. Don't tell her it was because of the weight gain.
posted by inturnaround at 1:24 AM on March 29 [3 favorites]


[Comment deleted; to repeat from above, "JudgeMe answers are not great ... please aim for "constructive and helpful."]
posted by taz at 3:23 AM on March 29


I sense the frustration in your post, OP. It may help to clarify your feelings on the issue. You can ask yourself:

1. Do I want something long term with this person or do I see myself dating a few more people over the next couple of years?

If you see yourself dating a few more people, it's likely you are not in this relationship for the long haul. If long haul is what you're looking for, there's a good chance you're just not that into her anymore. That's fine. It doesn't make you an asshole but there's only more suffering if you don't make your feelings known (gently of course) so you can both move on.

If you can envision a future together with her at her current weight where you're happily sharing a life together, then ask yourself...


2. Do I want to learn to accept and love her and allow her to be the way she is? Would I like my partner to accept, love, and allow me to be?


If the answer is no, time to move on.
If the answer is yes, then there is work to be done on your end. You can't force her to change but you can work towards loving her as she is. One-on-one therapy helps. There are a ton of self-improvement books about this too. IMHO it is about deprogramming what we've come to assume love looks like based on media and unhealthy models and replacing it with a real model of unconditional love for ourselves and others.


3. What role does sex and oral sex play in my relationships and sense of self?


It sounds like oral sex is important to you - ask yourself what you get out of it and be really honest. Do you like being intimate and close with her? Is oral sex more about your pleasure or hers? Are you still able to enjoy other aspects of your sex life and what are they (e.g. if it's doggy so you don't have to look her guiltily in the eye that's a red flag)?


LIGHTNING ROUND: IF NOTHING CHANGES WITH HER IN SIX MONTHS, WILL I BE HAPPY?

That's your answer. Work on yourself or let her go.
posted by HolyWood at 4:07 AM on March 29 [7 favorites]


Okay, first I want to apologize for being a little harsh earlier. Even though you flat-out asked "am I being an asshole,"using those very words, that didn't mean I had to myself too.

Anyway.

I'm noticing a lot of people are advising you that "wow, maybe she didn't want oral sex that often," but they're basing that on what they themselves would have liked; and for all we know, your girlfriend DID like it. In fact, you say that she's gotten a little uneasy at having been cut off. So I would actually disregard people's advice that "maybe she's relieved because you've been going down on her more than she'd like" because what the hell do we know? (And a word to those who say that women wouldn't like that much oral sex - speak for yourselves, luvvies.)

My original advice, though, still holds: I'd think long and hard about whether you're kind of compartmentalizing things in your head. You know? You say that you just aren't too into oral sex itself, but otherwise you're totally into her. I am a bit suspicious whether that's really the case; I have a suspicion that you're actually not that into her overall, but you're telling yourself that "no, it's just the oral sex itself I'm not into". So I would think long and hard and ask yourself which is it.

And if I'm wrong about that - hey, it's possible, I admit it - and you are totally into her but you just don't want to do that one thing any more, I would talk to her about it. Talk to HER about "hey, I know that I used to be doing a hell of a lot of going down on you and now I'm not; how do you actually feel about that?" Because you've been getting a lot of other people's opinions about this by asking us - but it doesn't sound like you're getting HER opinion about the state of things.

And then the two of you can talk about what to do based on her response. If she says "actually, I was never really into that," then hey, great. If she says that she really misses it, then you have a conversation to have. (I still agree with everyone else that if she asks why you're not doing it any more, that you SHOULD NOT tell her it's because of the weight gain.)

However, if you do think about this and realize that "actually, yeah, it is the whole of her I'm not into any more because of her weight gain," then...that's a different question. Only you know if it's something you can get past.

And in closing, I believe what you think about how "your libido slows down when you age" is a big enough misconception that I wanted to say again that it's not necessarily true. In fact, over-40 sex can be even hotter.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:22 AM on March 29 [2 favorites]


This question is odd, in that it is SO specific about oral in particular. I mean, ordinarily I'd say -- you're less attracted to her in general, so, find someone you won't lose that attraction for... but, you don't mention if you still find her attractive in general. You word it as if the only problem is the oral. If you just stop oral, it'd be fine...

Like EmpressCallipygos, I think the oral sex is a red herring for the fact you're not into her as much in general any more. I also feel the "my friends noticed and suddenly it clicked for me!!" speaks a lot about your motivation.

Why are they telling you, your girlfriend is fat, and why are you putting stock in their opinion of her? What do you think about it? Why is it their business anyway?

I wanna say a few things about the weight gain.

I'm going to assume she was an average height and on the thin side, lets say 5'5" and she weighed 120lbs. Plus 30 lbs is 150lbs-- sure it's chubby but, it's not that fat at all. I can understand if she's happy being that weight.

I am 5'5" and I weigh 165 and even I am not very big. I just hit the upper threshold of 'chubby'. Even when I say this, people insist I'm not chubby. I'm in standard store sizes, except I'm in the larger ones. Of course, it depends on how she carries the weight and such, (I'm a pear) and her height... but although the time frame is significant, I don't feel the weight itself is.

I used to weigh 220lbs and I will say this: There was a difference in my vulva, generally the majora was fleshier, and my mons pubis. It felt different too; and it looked different. However, once I hit 180 or so, it didn't really change very much in form, compared to now, today. I imagine that there wouldn't be much difference even more weight loss at this point. There was only a big difference when I was significantly overweight.

Anyway I am not intending to start a debate about whether she really is 'fat' or not-- that wasn't my point. I am mentioning it because I think people think of 30lbs as super significant weight wise or really fat -- partly fueled by images that the media sells us-- and because they cannot conceptualize it or visualize it-- when, it's really not as much as one would think if you actually look at it, and compared to 30 lbs lighter.

I think people are right when they say: This may be what she wants. Are you okay with that? She may be perfectly healthy at the weight she is now. I myself would be happy at 150, maybe forever, although there's a lot of pressure to be 'perfect' -- as long as she's living okay, and is otherwise healthy, then it should be fine.

I think a better question is to ask yourself: What do you want?

Do you want her to be thinner again? This probably won't happen. Even if it does, if she's happy being where she is, you need to accept that. She may gain even more weight. What are you going to do if that happens? Is that a dealbreaker? If so, the best thing for you to do is walk at this point. You're not into her: But there will be guys that think she's beautiful and sexy as she is. You wouldn't want her to stay with you if she secretly though your genitalia was 'disgusting', right?

And I know you said you could go without-- but do you want to go down on her again? Would you really be happy never tasting her again? What would need to happen for you to want to again? Her losing weight? And do you, deep down, wish she were thinner again so you could do this thing (that is really something YOU like doing) again?

And do you love her? Really love her? Would you still find her cute if she was old and had nose hair? Do you want to grow old with her? Do you want it to be her?

Think about these things. Think long and hard.

Yeah, it's totally okay to have preferences. You're not being an asshole, but I think there may be some underlying superficial thinking here. I think that having a firm rigidity in your preference is going to bite you in the ass in the end-- you'll face this problem with the next person you're with, unless she's physically perfect. You say, 'it'll be gradual aging together and I won't have a problem with it if it's like that!' -- I disagree. The mind doesn't age like the body ages; my experience is that your preferences stay the same if you let them. There's no reason to think you'll suddenly be okay with an older, fatter, person if no part of you feels any kind of attraction for that today.

You need a real solid foundation and an open mind to continue to be receptive to being attracted to and loving somebody. And if you're having problems with her change in looks now-- doesn't matter how gradual it is when you get old, you'll probably hit this again and again.

So basically, my advice is to work on yourself. Because this is going to happen with anybody-- we all age and get a bit gross-- and, it's kind of lame to be that guy at 55, looking longingly at perfect 25 year old bodies and not getting any with his contemporary wife because she's old and imperfect.

The reality is human bodies are kind of gross; they stinky and are hairy and get cellulite and get old. All of them. You need to have the mental strength to overlook that-- it needs to be about more than that, because without it, you will just peter off and assume 'old people don't have sex because they look gross and gross people don't get it on and our libidos will fade away!' when this is 100% not the case. At all.

So you can be the guy who sits there pining after 20-25 year olds with perfect bodies because of his preferences, or you can be the dude who kind of... grows up and finds intimacy and beauty in imperfection.

I'm not saying you are that guy, but I do feel that society as it stands kind of like to sell us women as objects of perfection, and yes-- I think it's a shallow mindset that would benefit you to shed.

Because I feel your reaction is a bit extreme; disgust is an extreme reaction. Going from pure lust to complete disgust... I feel it's too extreme for the situation-- 30lbs will not make someone look even remotely morbidly obese-- unless they were already in the first place. And even if it did change the overall look of her 'area' -- it shouldn't have changed it significantly enough that you would be outright disgusted by it. Maybe less turned on, sure... but... to me the disgust signifies something else.

So basically, why the disgust? I'd think long and hard about your preferences in women. I'd wager the entire thing is psychosomatic: You don't like 'fat' or 'chubby' women, and, you're also ashamed of her (my friends noticed she's fat!) and suddenly it's manifesting in this way.

So ask yourself what you want?

If the answer to all that is, yes, you love her and you want her and you would like to go down on her again one day, ideally.

Then ask yourself: Are you willing to try to change your preferences?

Thing is this. Preferences are arbitrary and can be changed. My longest relationship was with a guy who was ridiculously thin and weedy. He easily weighed 100-110lbs and was a bit shorter than me. He was kind of nerdy looking. Yet, I was super into him on a physical level, I thought he was wiry, and taut-- and I was into how thin he was compared to me.

Being with him absolutely shaped my preferences in men-- I started to be into bodies that looked like his. The weedier and more lithe, the better. Even when we broke up, I still had a preference for this kind of man.

I used to never like guys who were taller and more muscular; they used to be a turn off. I had a friend who is 'conventionally' attractive in this way, who women kind of went stupid for-- and I never 'got' it because he wasn't what I liked in a guy. I wasn't even remotely attracted to him when I saw him. When I got to know him, and I started to connect with him, I noticed I suddenly found him very attractive, even if nothing about him was my 'type' initially.

When I look at men, I notice men that look like him now-- dark and tall and muscular. If I look at men, I like to look at men who remind me of him, physically. I noticed that the more I admired and appreciated men with a form similar to the guy I was into, the more I became into him.

Weedy guys don't do it as much for me any more, by comparison. My 'type' changed completely.

My type changing gave me a lot of happiness; because it made me receptive to a person that is 100 times the person that my ex could ever be. Had I clung to my physical preferences, I wouldn't have found something wonderful.

I know this thing is long winded. Sorry. My point is, preferences can be changed. If you love her and want to be with her, then, see if you can love her as she is, today.

Try changing your porn habits; viewing habits, and thinking habits. Try connecting with your girlfriend on an intimate level and really looking at her body. Try falling in love with her all over again. Try looking at porn with women who have a body like your girlfriend as she is now-- try and find nice things to focus on about parts of their body that remind you of her. What do you find sexy about it? What does it do for you? Try looking at their genitalia and finding something you might like. Try imagining enjoying going down on someone who has a 'similar' area. Try imagining how much you would please her and how her reaction is your motivation.

Studies show that being exposed to different body shapes make us more used to them. The opposite is true, too. If we focus on certain kind of images -- like thinness -- we find other bodies kind of jarring when we look at them.

If you can do this and shift your preferences, then, stay. If the disgust is too great; if you imagine that you could never do this, then, you need to go. I mean, everyone deserves someone who is crazy about them physically, within reason.

Good luck. Sorry for length.
posted by Dimes at 12:26 AM on March 30 [7 favorites]


I am a female who has enjoyed being on the receiving end of the amount of the type of sex you are discussing here. If she did enjoy it, I guarantee she IS on edge, doesn't understand why you don't want her like that anymore, or even worse, does. It also strikes me as odd that you don't mention the rest of your sex life. But if you were once that into her and are now just... Not, I promise it is hurting her feelings and will affect the rest of your sex life (if there is one). And I'd also be curious to know, like another poster, if she went from rail thin to average or from chubby to overweight, just to clarify health things. If she was super skinny, for all you know she had a goal of gaining weight to be healthier. If she is now overweight, it seems strange to write off the potential health issues because the shape of her vagina has you in a state of alarm. I would say this is probably not going to work out between you two. I would tell her you realized you had different longterm goals while being as non-specific as possible.
posted by jitterbug perfume at 11:45 AM on March 30 [2 favorites]


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